How to Deal with Tantrums Without Losing Your Cool | Tips for Staying Calm During Big Feelings

0:00 did y'all know that parenting is about 80 mindset and about 20 the tips and tricks i truly believe that i truly believe that it is more about our thinking and our perspective and our mindset as we you know navigate difficult things when it comes to parenting little ones it's so helpful to have more awareness of what

0:30 we're thinking um in our minds during the most challenging parenting moments because that is where the gold is and i know that during tantrums i mean our our minds like to go um all over right and they like to tell us all these unhelpful things right like this is an emergency i need to fix this right away i need to get my child to stop crying it's my job to keep them happy all the time and i am

0:57 failing i'm a bad parent i have a bad child man if they're like this now how are they gonna be in a couple years i mean we just we just go all over the place right we just we you know our brains in stress right because that's what tantrums bring they bring a lot of stress and overwhelm and when we feel that right when we take those emotions on our brains like to tell us all these

1:24 unhelpful things and so i really think that building more awareness around what we say to ourselves during these moments is so important because it colors how we responded tantrums right usually the way that we're thinking is how we are going to respond so if we are thinking like i need to fix this this is an emergency i have a bad kid i'm doing a bad job well it's we're more likely going to feel angry we're more likely going to

1:54 go at it with force and get into all these power struggles our ego is going to be um all involved and hurt right so it's so important to think about our mindset okay because this will help us stay calm right and that is the point of this video is how to stay calm during tantrums well again it's 80 about our mindset during these moments and you know 20 tips and tricks what to say which i covered in my last episode

2:23 um but a lot of it comes down to our mindset now really quick before we get into the mindset tricks that i have for you guys i just want to share with you that i have an upcoming live master class uh on december 5th which is a saturday and all the all the um details will be in the description box that i wanted to be sure to share with you if you are struggling with tantrums struggling with aggressive behaviors and

2:50 just your child you know being uh emotionally disregulated a lot of the times and you not feeling very confident in how to navigate it navigate it then this class is for you um it's all about how to ride the wave practical tools tips and tricks for handling tantrums and aggressive behaviors like a pro so i'm going to teach you how to teach your child about emotional intelligence how to really become their emotional coach i'll also teach you you know ways to respond

3:21 effectively um during these times of of tantrums and aggression like how to best show up during these moments and then how to begin teaching your child coping skills so i'll kind of share with you where to start in this journey and really practical tips and practical games and activities that you can do with your child to begin to teach them emotional regulation so it's going to be jam-packed full of information there also be a q a

3:50 be sure to check out more information um in the description box if you're interested in attending this live let's get into the mindset tricks so mindset trick number one is i want you to get in the frame of mind to expect tantrums okay i know that there's a lot of talk about you know why tantrums happen and ways to prevent them and that is great right we always do want to be a proactive parent and we want to do our best you know to

4:17 prevent tantrums but at the end of the day we can't prevent all of tantrums and tantrums are actually a healthy part of development it's actually a really good thing for your child to express their emotions and their feelings with you and so if we can come to just expect them like i expect my two little girls i have two little girls um two they're two and three i expect them to lose it at least once a day and if they don't

4:44 i'm like what's wrong girl do we do i need to establish some limits and push again so you can just let it out do we need to schedule a tantrum because it i know that it's healthy right i'm walking in with the mindset that it's not about me it doesn't mean i'm doing anything bad per se you know if you've ruled out all of the their needs be you know their needs and all of that then

5:05 we can come at it like i expected this to happen um and it's okay and the second thing is to remind yourself like these are their emotions not mine i think that is so important i like to envision myself as i'm in a really windy sandstorm which is their emotions right and all of it is coming around me but i can stay anchored right i can plant my feet on the ground and i can wait this out right these are

5:35 their emotions this is their sand not mine i just need to do what i need to do to ground myself through this right because feelings come and go and these are theirs i don't need to get sucked into this this is not an emergency um and that's okay it's okay for them to express themselves but i can have my own emotions right i can stay calm in this i don't have to take on their feelings right those feelings are not mine that

6:03 is so grounding and anchoring to remind yourself of that um and the third mindset trick is um to not take this as an insult to your parenting right it's so easy to take their tantrums personally and feel like we're doing something wrong now you know of course you always want to go down the list of their needs right are they hungry are they tired are they over stimulated are they bored do they want connection and attention

6:31 from you like you do want to kind of go down the list of all right let me make sure all their basic needs are being met um but even then right even if you know we're where we've struggled to meet a basic need that's okay right that's just their way to communicate hey i have a need that needs to be met and that's okay i'm gonna meet your need but i'm not gonna take it personal right

6:54 this is you know a relational thing and you're trying to tell me what you need i like to always to remind myself that you know when our when our little ones were babies you know it was okay for them to cry we understood on a cognitive level not that it didn't stress us out right but we understood that like they're babies they can't talk they're this is their way to express their needs right this is an

7:20 instinct that they have and this is healthy right this is good this means that they're expressing something to me and now i can help them and then you know as they get older they learn more skills and they're becoming a little bit more sophisticated and they're communicating with us and i think we forget like they're still babies they're still babies and it can be helpful for me to remind myself like they're still babies right even though

7:46 they can talk a little bit more and they seem so sophisticated and even maybe the day before they were able to like communicate really well and we had just such a great smooth day um it still doesn't mean that it's gonna be perfect right and they're still babies they are still babies and they need to cry and that's their way to communicate right doesn't mean we're not gonna help them communicate doesn't mean that we're not going to promote them using their words

8:13 and solving problems and all that higher order thinking um but it just means that we can remind ourselves and have some more compassion and hold some more space that they're still babies i think it's really easy to forget that just yeah that's the launcher for today they're babies they're two okay they're three they've only been on dessert for three years um the other thing other mindset trick is to remember again that tantrums are healthy tantrums release stress hormones you

8:44 know our tears when we cry uh we are releasing stress hormones which is a good thing we don't want them to hold this in and especially if your little one is going to school right or they're separated from you for for you know periods of time during the day they are working really hard during the day to keep it together right to hold it all in and make friends and play and listen to the teacher or whoever

9:09 right um and so it's not uncommon when kids get off of school or when they get you know reunited with you that they want to release all those feelings to you because they've been holding it in all day and you're the trusted one they trust you with their feelings so this is good this process is good right we want them to share with us how they're feeling i know it's not always you know pleasant it's it's not always stress free but if we

9:36 can remind ourselves this is healthy it can fight back that you know thought in our brain that says no this needs to be stopped this needs to be fixed this is not good because it is good it is good it is good um the other thing is minimize your words um that's a mindset trick i think sometimes you know as adults we are so used to talking things out we are so used to using all this

9:57 communication and trying to meet our child with logic when they're in this really heightened emotional state so it's less about your words minimize your words you know like if you haven't checked out my last video about what to say during tantrums check that video out you know pick one to two things to say during tantrums pick some one to two things to fall back on like mine is let it out and you can you know watch the video for

10:24 more tips on that but i always say let it out let it out let it out okay my my words are simple and they're minimal and i'm just allowing them the space to you know express themselves right so keep your words minimal it'll decrease your drive your pull your pull right your urge to conceptualize things and meet them with lots of logic the other thing you want to do is focus inward on grounding okay

10:55 so if you're starting to get frustrated if you're starting to feel like oh my god i want this to stop that's your cue to focus inward and center yourself ground yourself right if it's a mental picture um like the one that i have about me being in the emotional stance sandstorm whatever it is ground yourself remind yourself where you're at remind yourself of who you are and that you are able to handle this and you are strong and confident and

11:23 competent and you are a mommy boss whatever you need to tell yourself to get yourself back into the zone of i got this okay i got this we got this we gonna be just fine okay so focus inward on grounding whenever you start to you know imagine escaping imagine you know this being over whatever it is just channel your inner your inner goddess your inner your inner grounded mommy um the other thing is trust the

11:56 process okay and you can even tell tell yourself that i trust this process i trusted myself to handle this and show up in this moment um and i trust my child to process their feelings out this is all healthy and i can trust this process remind yourself feelings come and go this is not going to be forever and i'm okay i've got this and the last thing is view it as an opportunity to connect um with your child on a deeper level

12:28 how amazing would it be if you could tell yourself that instead of this being something i need to fix instead of this being something i need to shut down and make it stop i can say you know what no bring it on this is a chance for me to show up and connect with my child and be the mom that i want to be right and this is what i want them to remember i want them to remember just like how i

12:52 remember when my mom would tell me jazzy i love you when you're mad i love you when you're sad i love you when you're angry i love it right i love you regardless of your feelings and i remember that as an adult right and that really helped me growing up right and so isn't that what we want our children to remember about us right we don't want to rip them to remember that mama used to lose it mom used to tell me

13:17 to stop crying right we want them to remember oh yeah like i remember feeling deeply connected with my mom and she never judged me for my feelings and in fact she loved me regardless of my feelings and i can show up for this right and so remind yourself these are opportunities to connect these are opportunities to show up and the more that you practice this i know sometimes you know not sometimes but a lot of the

13:43 times especially now during all the things that are going on um we're gonna be imperfect about this right we're not gonna always show up as our best self we're not always gonna get this right okay myself included i don't always get this right my mom didn't always get it right she wasn't always perfect but the more we practice it um the more it'll become just second nature okay so have a couple mantras again check out the video i just filmed

14:08 about what to say during tantrums have a couple mantras you fall back on um knowing that those are more for yourself than your child oh major key right it's more for my mindset and trusting the process than it really is about for you because you i know you gonna do what you need to do to release your feelings i trust it it's just sometimes my adult brain needs some good reminders so have you have your mantras on deck

14:35 and then just just practice and forgive yourself when you don't get it right okay knowing that that's that's okay too right we're all human we are all imperfect and sometimes we get overwhelmed right and we fall back on old things and that's okay we can give ourselves compassion and then get right back up and try again just like we would encourage our child to do right if they made a mistake just just try again okay there's always

15:02 next time um i hope this video was helpful for this episode if you're watching on the podcast um let me know your thoughts on this and again i hope really hope to see you in the upcoming class that i'll be having this saturday so we can do a deeper dive into these things and really learn ways to be our child's emotion emotion coach right our their emotional coach through these storms that they go through how to teach them coping skills

15:28 and how to show up um and i will be ending with some q a so you guys can get your personal questions answered of course um so yeah the descriptions will be down the link will be down below for more details about the uh master class and if you got any value from this episode please give me a thumbs up let me know um your thoughts in the comment section and don't forget to subscribe um to my channel so you don't

15:56 miss any videos alright guys i will see you in the next one bye