The ONE Discipline Hack You Need to Know!

0:00 hello beautiful people and welcome back to my channel if you are new here hi hello and welcome I'm doctor Jasmine from the mom psychologist calm and in today's video I'm gonna be sharing with you the one discipline hack I think you need to know in raising your little ones [Music] because here's the thing raising little ones to be happy and respectful takes a

0:31 lot of work and it can be really challenging at times am i right go ahead and give this video a thumbs up and you can relate to having a hard time with disciplining your little one and I think it can be met with a lot of big feelings on our part like guilt shame regret confusion and frustration when we set a limit and our child then has these whole big feelings and tantrums and meltdowns and we're like ah like what's going on

1:03 what am i doing the right thing right is this what I'm supposed to be doing what's happening right and this video was actually inspired by a recent conversation I had in my Instagram stories which if you're not following on Instagram go ahead and do so at the Hmong psychologist but we were having a conversation about discipline and especially about setting limits and this mom shared how frustrating it is when she sets a limit and she tries to

1:33 validate her child's feelings and do all the things and her child still has a meltdown and I think that a lot of parents can relate to this which is why I'm doing a whole video on this topic because it's no secret that dealing with our child's big feelings is completely overwhelming right and especially during these times where we are cooped up in the house there's so much stress there's so much trauma there's so much unknown there's so many different transitions

2:04 and changes happening day to day that we have our own stress and big feelings when we're trying to manage and make sense of that it's you know it makes a lot of sense that even there especially during these times our child's big feelings are gonna overwhelm us right they're gonna stress us out and they're gonna feel like too much and so I want to start there like and I want to start by saying I get it like this is this is

2:32 hard right and we're dealing with hard times and I want to be sensitive to that but I also want to share the one discipline hack I think you need to know to make it a little bit smoother if you will and it's really about changing your mindset around discipline and around our child big feelings because here's the thing if we have a belief that if our child has a meltdown or a tantrum from

3:04 our limits that we must be doing something wrong or that if we are doing all these parenting tips and tricks like they have to work and they have to like calm our child down if we're doing all these tips and tricks in an effort to control our child's feelings and their moods we're gonna have a hard time right because the simple fact of the matter is we cannot control our child's big feelings right that is their own process

3:35 to take control of right just like somebody else can't come in and tell us how we should feel right or that we should just calm down we can't do that for our child right and we can't expect them to just calm down when we do all these tips and tricks like validating and I think if we come from a space or an energy of like I'm validating your feelings I'm doing all this stuff now just calm down then we're

4:02 gonna get into a power struggle right and that's gonna lead us to be feeling it to feel really frustrating and really confused in my up this whole thing doesn't work and that is the discipline hat that I want you to walk away with is to change our mindset around that and to take it a step further to try as much as you can now I know these are hard times but as much as you can expect the big feelings accept

4:31 the big feelings and even welcome the big feelings the better off you will fare okay it's kind of like we have to kind of surrender and not in his in a space where we're just like self sacrificing ourselves and not taking breaks and just being a punching bag I don't mean that I mean just coming from that simple mindset of if I set limits and my child gets upset with me that's okay I'm gonna welcome that I'm gonna hold

4:58 space for that and yes I can validate and do all these parenting tips and tricks but it's gonna they're gonna calm down in their own time and when they're ready and I don't have control over that and if we can come from that space I think we will fare better especially with our own mental health right and our own frustration and anger also want you guys to know that limits and structure are actually one of the best things you

5:22 can give your child they just might not always be like they're not gonna say that to us but on a psychological level limits and structure and routine actually help your child feel safe it's just like the same idea of baby gates right if you put your putting baby gates around the house to let your infant know where they can go and where they can't go setting limits let your child know what's appropriate and what's not

5:54 appropriate and that helps keep them safe it helps them learn how to predict their environment and navigate their environment and and all of that good stuff okay so here's some takeaway tips I want you guys to have before I wrap up this video okay so the first tip that I want you guys to do is if you struggling with discipline and you're struggling with misbehavior is first take an inventory of all of the challenges that you're facing in the

6:24 parent-child relationship right and where and notice the patterns and notice when and where you guys tend to have struggle the most and maybe tend to engage in more power struggles right like is it when you go to turn off the TV or is it at mealtime and they're throwing their food is it at bath time is it trying to go to bed like take note of where those patterns are and then I want you to in step two I want you to

6:56 pick one behavior you want to address okay just one for now we'll work on the other ones a little bit later but pick one that you want to address and step three is I want you to tie your values as a parent with your why okay so it's like why do you want to address that behavior what is that value underneath that so for example if one of the things you want to address is feeling more

7:23 confident and setting limits around TV time then you're gonna want to ask yourself well why is that important to me what is my value behind that and for example it could be you know it's really important for me to set limits around screen time because I don't want my child to be on the screens all day right it's important to me that I provide my child with plenty of other stimulating opportunities throughout the day and that's really important to me and I want

7:51 to start implementing that and I want to start feeling confident in that because here's the thing you're more likely going to feel confident in your parenting decisions and your limit setting if you understand your values as as a parent right if you understand your big why like why am I doing this so that then when you go to set that limit let's say you're on screen time you're like okay but remember my value is that I

8:15 want to provide my child with lots of other opportunities throughout the day I am on the right track here I'm not doing anything bad they're just having a hard time with my limits and that's okay I can say with that but at the end of the day I want to play the long game right this is not just about today this is about their whole future and their whole development so this is important to me that before you're going to want

8:38 to come up with a game plan for how you're gonna address your those behaviors and how you're gonna set limits like what is what is your game plan what words are you gonna use what are you how are you gonna respond when your child melts down like come up with some ideas for that now if you're struggling with your game plan be sure to check out my book let's talk discipline because I give you all kinds

9:02 of strategies those prevention strategies and in the moment strategies that you can use to help you feel more confident in your disciplining and then step 5 is you're gonna want to be very consistent okay that's the only way limit setting really works if we are very consistent and predictable and we follow through with what we say we're gonna do okay that's the only way our child is gonna learn over time that we mean business right because if we're

9:32 setting limits and we're really wishy-washy and it's dependent on the mood and how we're feeling and all kinds of other variables then the misbehavior is gonna continue right they're going to continue to push against those limits and I mean let's be honest children just naturally do that anyways but they're really gonna do it if we're not coming from a place of confidence and if we're not coming from a place of being consistent okay and then bonus tip

9:58 number six is when your child melts down when you place up a limit which is gonna happen right we're gonna expect it we're gonna welcome it you can say this one thing this is the one line I say to my kids and it helps me and it helps them and when they're Carney I say let it out baby I say let it out tell mommy how you feel let it out because that signals not only to them that I'm not into

10:27 by your big feelings I want to hear all about them I'm holding space for them but it also tells my brain it reminds my brain that it's okay for them to be feeling this way and they can just let it out let it out baby let it out because again mantras I mean if you don't doubt the phrase doesn't work for you find a mantra that does work for you because our self-talk is really important during times of stress like in

10:55 general that's like one of the big predictors of how we deal with stress is what we tell ourselves in those moments okay and meltdowns and tantrums are stressful so we need to have a good game plan on how what we're gonna tell ourselves and what are our go to fall backs and so you want to find your style find what works for you try different things out but you're gonna want to play a different tape okay so you're gonna

11:19 want to replace you're gonna want to replace that with let it out I surrender tell me how you feel I'm still gonna set this limit and I'm still gonna follow through but here let let it out baby let it out so I hope that was helpful be sure to also check out my recent videos I have a whole playlist on tantrums I also have a recent video on how to set limits around aggressive behaviors how to handle them in the moment and how to

11:49 feel more confident and like you have a game plan so if you're struggling with aggressive behaviors be sure to check out that video don't forget to give this video a big thumbs up if you enjoyed it and subscribe to my channel if you like this content and I will see you in the next one bye [Music]