How to teach kids about body safety & consent

0:00 but you want to explicitly send the message that they are the boss of their body and so if anyone ever touches your body in a way that you're uncomfortable with that it's important you let us [Music] know I don't know about y'all but I was never taught about body consent and body safety or my growing body or sex growing

0:31 up like those were just not the kind of conversations I had and I had to kind of figure it out on my own and a lot of the times I relied on media and my friends and peers at school and I was just kind of fumbling around in the dark and as a parent now I want different I want to change it up I want my kids to grow up feeling empowered and feeling like they know how to assert themselves and keep

0:58 themselves safe they know how to understand their body and all of that good stuff so I am a huge fan of teaching kids about body consent and body safety starting early I think that's the key to all of this is making sure that we don't inadvertently teach kids that our body is taboo or bad or secret or you know anything like that we don't create any kind of Shame when it comes to bodies and I think the key to

1:26 this is starting these conversations early and then keeping the conversations going as your child gets older so what I'm going to do in this episode I'm going to share a bunch of resources to help us parents so we're not fumbling around in the dark so I'll share some of my favorites as we go through this episode but what I'm going to do in this episode is break down my seven step process and what it's going to do is

1:50 we're going to start in the toddler years and it's going to grow as your child grows you're going to learn different things to do as they get older and as they mature so let's just dive in okay so step one during the toddler years you want to start to teach them the correct names for their body parts or parts of their body okay so just like they're learning their colors their shapes and their name and all kinds of

2:15 language we want to give them a name for the parts of their body like penis vulva vagina nipples butt Etc okay so we don't want to use you know nicknames like kitty or cookie or pee pee you know to describe parts of their body I'm not talking about like going pee but describing their penis as a peeee we want to be very specific and this is important because in the unfortunate case if your child is trying to report

2:47 something that happened to them we want to make sure that they can correctly report it so there's no confusion and they get help right away that's the main point of this so some great books that are perfect for toddlers And preschoolers like around 2 to 6 are your whole body who has what an amazing you and I'll be sure to link those down in the description below okay so step two around the age of three you want to

3:15 start to teach your child about body boundaries now keep in mind throughout this episode I forgot to mention I'm going to be saying like age ranges just keep in mind that you know your child best and so every child is different so kind of use your judgment call in terms of when they're ready for these conversations but I'm trying to just help you give like a general gauge of when to start these conversations anyways around the age of three you want

3:38 to start to teach them about body boundaries and you want to start to teach them the concept of body bubble and you can say something along the lines of we all have a body bubble which is like this invisible Zone around our body and nobody should come into your body bubble unless it's okay with you and we shouldn't go in somebody else's body bubble unless it's okay with them now you can use like a visual cue like a

4:06 hula hoop to kind of show what this boundary like how much of this boundary we're talking about and you can also use your hands to like outline the you know the parts around their body and and kind of what symbolizes a body bubble so you want to empower your child with the word no which they already know how to use but just let them know you can absolutely say no thank you and go get help from somebody that you trust if

4:32 somebody ever gets in your body bubble and say no and they're not listening you can let other people know about this now this verbiage was inspired by the book my body what I say goes which I absolutely recommend it talks about the body bubble so you can like read it to your child and talk about it again children's books are such a wonderful way to kind of approach these conversations in an age appropriate way but also in a way that like engages them

4:57 and keeps the conversations going okay step three is around the age of three you want to talk about private parts so just like in step one we started to label the private parts what naturally we start to transition the conversation to is helping your child understand what parts of their body are to be kept private and those are the areas that are covered by a bathing suit and your child's mouth but you want to explicitly send the message that they are the boss

5:30 of their body and so if anyone whether it's me or another caregiver ever touches your body in a way that you're uncomfortable with that it's important you let us know so during this conversation and conversations because ideally speaking these are conversations that happen over time but you want to just let them know that they can of course explore their private parts but that it's important that it's always done in private whether that's in the bathroom or their bedroom alone you also

5:58 want to talk about about how certain people may see their private parts from time to time like you or other family members or you know a pediatrician when you're at the doctor's visit and you're present but that they're the boss of their bodies so if at any point they ever feel unsafe or uncomfortable with how somebody is touching their body that they can say no and let them know and you also want to talk about because a

6:25 lot of the times around this age they're still in diapers we're still helping them you know at bath time and with getting dressed so you just want to like let them know that you know I do these things to help keep you clean if at any time again if you ever feel uncomfortable let me know I want us to work as a team and of course you know as they're getting older you want to let them have more control over the process

6:48 of cleaning themselves and then of course they'll be potty trained and Shameless plug if you need help with potty training I have a bunch of videos on this channel related to the topic but of course as they get older will gradually be more and more independent and you just want to let them know that nobody should be touching their private parts in ways that make them feel uncomfortable and there's only really a select few who will even do that like

7:12 you when it comes to changing their diapers or helping them bathe or maybe at a pediatrician's office when you're present the the adult to do a checkup or something like that okay so step four around this age you want to help your child understand different types of touch so around around ages 3 to 4 you want to help them understand what Safe Touch is unsafe touch and unwanted touch so Safe Touch is the type of touch that

7:39 feels good and we want it like you know a hug a high five cuddles there's also the safe touch that might not feel so good but it's done to help keep your child safe like when you have to remove a splinter or put a Band-Aid on their Boo Boo or change their diaper now unsafe touch is anytime the touch hurts our body like if somebody hits us or pushes us that is never okay and we want

8:05 to tell our child you know to speak up for themselves if that ever happens and then there's unwanted touch that might feel safe but it's unwanted it makes them feel uncomfortable and you want to teach them to say no thank you please stop I don't like that okay now step five is when you want to start to talk about safety rules so this is around ages four or five you want to be very explicit around some of the really

8:30 important rules that will help keep them safe so you want to explicitly let them know that it's not okay for somebody to touch their private parts it's not okay for somebody to touch their own private parts in front of your child it's not okay for someone to ask you to touch their private parts it's not okay for someone to ask you to take your clothes off or for them to take pictures of you with your clothes off or for them to

8:57 show you pictures of somebody else else with their clothes off so you want to explicitly let them know this in the exact language that I just said just so that everyone is on the same page and you can end this conversation with what questions do you have or does that make sense is there anything that feels confusing about that okay step six is around the age of four or five you want to start to have a conversation with

9:21 them about the difference between a secret and a surprise so surprises are things that are happy and fun and they're eventually going to be shared with the person like it's a birthday gift surprise or the fact that we're going to surprise grandma with a visit something like that it's happy it's fun and again it's eventually going to be shared with the person who's involved now what you want to explain to your child very matter of factly is that we

9:48 don't keep secrets so usually somebody asks us to keep a secret because it goes against a safety Rule and you want to help them understand that we don't ever keep Secrets especially if it comes to somebody touching our private parts or showing us their private parts or showing pictures of private parts that these are things that we never want to keep secret no matter if they say you know oh you need to keep this a secret

10:14 or you're going to get in trouble or I'm not going to be your friend or I'm going to be so mad at you you never want to keep those types of Secrets remember surprises are fun and it's happy and it's eventually going to be shared with that person versus a secret usually means that there's a rule that's being broken and they're trying to get you to not share it with somebody that you trust and we don't ever want to keep

10:38 those kinds of Secrets and so you just want to let them know very explicitly to always come to you or another trusted adult if somebody has ever told them to keep a secret and just let them know they will never get in trouble for sharing a secret and of course you want to make sure your actions aligned with that okay step number seven is about trusted adults so around the same age around four or five you want to help

11:03 your child understand who they can go to whenever they need help whenever they feel uncomfortable whenever somebody asks them to keep a secret or they're just not sure about a safety rule you want to help them understand who can they go to for help and you want to identify three to five trusted adults now trusted adults it's really important to help your child understand it's not about what role that person fulfills you know they're not necessarily going to be

11:33 a trusted adult just because their Mom Dad Grandma it's about the relationship that your child has and how they feel around this person and the actions that these people take right so that we get to choose who the trusted adult is and it might you know fluctuate and Vary just depending on your child and the relationships they have and how old they are and all those kinds of things this can be a parent this can be a teacher a

11:59 neighbor another family member but you want your child to identify them and when it comes down to it a trusted adult is somebody who is going to listen and take your child seriously if they disclose that they ever feel uncomfortable or unsafe now again children's books are a wonderful way to have these conversations in an age appropriate way and make sure that you continue these conversations over the years so some great resources to check out around this topic are my body what I

12:30 say goes also check out yes no another great one is let's talk about body boundaries consent and respect and also I said no I'm going to be sure to link all of these books down in the description below and that is it for this episode let us know too if you're tuning in on YouTube if there are any other great resources that I haven't mentioned that you think are great for parents to check out let me know if you

12:56 have any other questions related to this topic and Shameless plug before I wrap up this episode if you are struggling with discipline if you're struggling with getting your child to cooperate and you want them to listen without you having to yell and constantly threaten and punish them then definitely check out my free discipline Workshop you can go to the mom psychologist. c/w workshop for all of the details all right that is it for this episode I'll

13:22 see you in the next one bye [Music]