How to Deal With an Overbearing Mother-in-Law | Dad University

0:00 I get questions about in-laws quite a bit it seems a lot of people are having issues what if I don't want my in-laws to watch my child or how do I get my in-laws to follow my parenting rules but the question that I get the most is how do I deal with an overbearing mother-in-law so in this video I'm going to give you some high-level broad advice first but you're gonna want to stick around till the end of this video

0:29 because I'm gonna get very specific on how you can deal with your mother-in-law [Music] hey guys I'm Jason crimen and welcome to another episode of dad University be sure to give this video a thumbs up subscribe to the channel and click on that notification bell so you know when our videos are uploaded also it really helps us spread our message when you share these videos so maybe you have three friends that might enjoy it please share it with them so I have some

1:00 general advice first and this doesn't matter if it's your mother-in-law your father-in-law your wife's sister her brother anybody on her side of the family if there is a problem you stay out of it let me repeat that because people may not understand that it might not be clear but if there is any sort of major problem on her side of the family you stay out of it I feel pretty strongly about this one this this was

1:30 advice that my mother had given me many many years ago she was a best-selling author seminar speaker on relationships and an expert in communication but she had some issues with my father's side and basically said you don't go over family lines crossing that line is a no-no and so I learned very early on that if something has to happen on the other side of the family it is the responsibility of your significant other if something bad was to happen you could

2:02 potentially not recover from that because here's the situation with your own family your blood family unconditional love is usually treated a little bit differently but when you get an argument with a significant others family there is the possibility of no return you discuss the issue with your partner and they are the ones that have to handle it they have to discuss it with their mother it's their responsibility to deal with that not yours if they are unable or unwilling to deal

2:33 with it then that's a different issue and then you have to deal with that issue between you and them if something happens with your parents you need to handle it so you handle the issues with your family and they handle the issues with theirs it goes both ways okay now we understand we're not going to get involved with the other side of the family but when you have a child it seems that we get more sensitive to

2:59 people's advice or parenting suggestions or even other aspects of our life we seem to be a little bit more sensitive to it my mom used to say what happens at Grandma's house stays at Grandma's house and I got to tell you I didn't like that phrase at first she had given my son candy one time and I was really upset about it because we were pretty clear that we weren't giving our son candy and he was very little and she came over to

3:28 me afterwards and said you know what Jason if giving him a little bit of candy make some memory and he enjoys himself that little bit of candy is not even close to what the relationship and what I'm building with him is worth and and I I took that to heart and I really understood that that I had to pick my battles then you know what my son having a little bit of candy and having a great

3:53 time at Grandma's house maybe it wasn't that big of a deal and so I was the one who had to get over that now that my mom has passed just looking back at that and realizing how valuable it was you know whether it's a mother-in-law it's your own parent any of that you have to pick your battles and in some cases you have to just take a step back and realize the bigger picture and my mom was trying to

4:17 create a relationship with her grandson whether it is our in-laws or our parents they may choose to do things a little bit differently than we do maybe your overbearing mother-in-law has an opinion on how the baby should dress or what kind of foods your baby should eat or how you hold the baby it doesn't matter they're going to have an opinion let's get to some of the specific tips on how to deal with an overbearing mother-in-law

4:43 number one it's a package deal when you're committed to someone and then it includes a child that also includes the parents the siblings the cousins the aunts all of them it is a package deal especially if they're close with their family then for sure the package comes along so you have to be prepared for that and keep that in perspective number two be nice yes I'm saying that you should smile and be nice you don't have

5:12 to have the perfect relationship with your mother-in-law and you certainly don't need to fake a relationship if it isn't there but you should be nice and respectful being nice doesn't harm anybody and it's going to help you as well so in many instances yes you just bite your tongue and smile number three set boundaries well your partner needs to set those boundaries you have the discussion with your partner and then your partner goes and has that discussion with your

5:42 mother-in-law does she need to call before she comes over is there a certain bedtime that needs to be followed are there other rituals or things that are really important to you that you want to make sure your mother-in-law follows you can have all of those written down and set those boundaries just realize that they may not be followed but it's certainly up to your partner to have that conversation and then see what happens setting boundaries can often solve a lot

6:12 of the issues setting boundaries means that you're having communication now if your mother-in-law is someone that is willing to listen then setting those boundaries will probably be okay and will work if not then you might have a different issue on your hands number four don't take it personally now I don't know your mother-in-law but she could be a really unhappy woman and if so that's her problem not yours maybe she's just really opinionated she has an opinion about how

6:44 you should do this with the baby or how you should parent or how you're doing something else that's great let her have an opinion but that doesn't mean it needs to affect you and you certainly don't need to take it personally number five take it into consideration when your mother-in-law has some advice that she feels is really good she's got some great suggestions for you a really good phrase to use is we will take that into

7:10 consideration what it does is it shows that you're at least listening to what the person is saying and taking it in now you don't have to use the advice and maybe you have no intention of using the advice but when you say that you'll take it into consideration you're being honest you're taking that information in and you're at least listening and sometimes that's enough for them to just back off number six get to know her and I mean really get to

7:37 know her ask her questions about who she is and where she came from this might give you a little bit better perspective of why she is the way that she is and how she might be completely different from you did she have a rough childhood did she grow up privileged maybe in the area of where she grew up this will give you a little bit of insight as to why she is the way she is if you're looking

8:02 for an explanation it might also give you a little bit of empathy that you didn't have before you might be able to see things from her perspective number seven take responsibility for your own actions now I know this is revolutionary but could you have had any part in the breakdown of the relationship if it is broken or in the way that you deal with each other and the dynamic between you is there any part of maybe how you had

8:34 dealt with something in the past that maybe could have been dealt differently sometimes it's hard for us to look at ourselves and realize maybe we could have done something a little better maybe we could have been a little bit nicer maybe we could have been a little bit more inclusive to a situation so take responsibility for your own actions and evaluate if there's something or some things that you can do to fix it number eight stop having

9:00 expectations when you have a child you may have the desire for your parents and in-laws to spend a lot of time with the child but the reality is they may not call or they may not be interested in spending as much time as you would desire so you have these expectations and in the end you end up getting disappointed so you have to stop having expectations and putting those expectations on other people maybe you had expectations of what kind of

9:28 activities they should do or what kind of foods they should eat while they're with them you have to stop having these expectations because you will be disappointed number nine look at their intention instead of looking at what was said or what was done try to evaluate a situation based on what was their intention in many cases their intention was good they loved their grandchild they love their child your significant other and so their intention was good

10:01 they may just go about doing it differently than you do or you know you don't agree with how something was done but if the intention is good that is a great way to evaluate the situation and take a different perspective understanding intention can help you in all kinds of situations maybe I should do a video just on intention but when you learn to evaluate situations based on the intention you don't take things personally things don't bother you and

10:31 you realize that somebody might just do something in a different way than you but their intention was still good their intention is still pure and that is typically what matters so those are some tips on how to deal with an overbearing mother in law in most cases it's just not worth the argument you know if you're holding resentment and anger and other negative feelings just let them go it's not worth it you know your child having a relationship with your in-laws

11:01 or with your parents it be so valuable and wonderful and when somebody is overbearing oftentimes that is just something that we need to learn to process and we need to learn to deal with it I recently did a video in which you know if things are bothering you it's actually you you're the one that needs to work on that you can't change somebody else in most cases although I gave you many tips of setting boundaries and talking with them and getting to

11:28 know them but in many cases you can't change who somebody is so you have to look at those positive aspects and the relationship that's being built and of course their intention I'd love to hear from you do you have an overbearing mother-in-law tell us some of the things that are so overbearing let's discuss them leave your feedback in the comment section below if you found this video helpful you don't want to miss what we have for

11:54 you in our other videos give this video a thumbs up subscribe to the channel and click on that notification bell also share this video with your friends and family we'll see you next week [Music]