# Becoming the One: Sheleana Aiyana on Healing, Love, and Awakening **Creator:** Dr. Shefali **Platform:** youtube **Duration:** 32m **Source:** https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0IgVbNyXtvk ## Summary Dr. Shafali interviews Shellena Ayana, a best-selling author and founder of Rising Woman, who shares her transformative journey from a traumatic childhood in foster care to becoming a devoted mother and healer. Their conversation explores the importance of inner work, the complexities of motherhood, and the healing potential that comes from facing one's past. - Shellena's background includes a tumultuous childhood marked by trauma and instability, leading her to deep inner healing practices. - She emphasizes that healing is about reclaiming one's true self rather than becoming someone new. - The importance of having at least one supportive person in one's life during difficult times is highlighted as crucial for healing. - Shellena discusses her evolving relationship with her mother, recognizing the complexity of their bond while also acknowledging her own healing journey. - The conversation touches on the challenges of motherhood, including the need for self-compassion and accountability in parenting. - Both women reflect on how their past experiences shape their parenting styles and the importance of modeling healthy relationships for their children. - They discuss the societal pressures surrounding motherhood and the need to prioritize emotional well-being over external achievements. - The episode concludes with a reminder that personal healing can lead to generational change and a more loving, connected future for families. ## Transcript [[0:01]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0IgVbNyXtvk&t=1s) Hey everyone, welcome to a very special episode of parenting and you with me Dr. Shafali. Today I'm thrilled to be joined by such an inspiring woman, somebody who I look up to. Her name is Shellena Ayana. Shellena is the best-selling author of Becoming the One and the founder of Rising Woman, a global community devoted to self-healing, relational transformation, and spiritual embodiment. Her work beautifully weaves together somatic awareness, inner child healing, and grounded spiritual insight, offering millions around the world a path through heartbreak, love, and a profound personal rebirth. I always learn so much from her, and you will, too. I'm so looking forward to this conversation. [[0:47]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0IgVbNyXtvk&t=47s) She is a best-selling author, a devoted mother, and the founder of Rising [music] Woman. Shellena Ayana, who I call Shay, was raised in foster care and she broke so many cycles in her own life of a lot of trauma and heartbreak. But her wisdom literally comes from such a deep place within her. It's so authentic. It's so luminescent. It's from her lived experience. And that's what has really attracted me to her and her work. And I really look to her as a true inspirer and a creator. Through rising woman, Sheay has helped millions remember that healing isn't about becoming someone new. It's about reclaiming who you've always been. Oh my goodness. Okay, Shay, welcome to the podcast. I'm so happy that you know our paths crossed. We both connected. We felt a synergy. I feel like such an alignment with you when I'm with you in your presence. You know, I wish people would go check out all your work because you just have this way of being that's very, very deep and grounded. So, thank you for who you are and for what you do. [[1:57]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0IgVbNyXtvk&t=117s) I know you have a young daughter now. So, how old is she? >> I do. Yeah. And thank you. Thank you so much for all of that. And I feel the same. Really have a deep admiration for you and the way that you work in the world. My daughter is turning three in October. So, >> oh my goodness. >> Wild. Because I mean, as you know very well, it just flies by. >> Yes. And I remember meeting you when you were not a mother yet. [[2:23]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0IgVbNyXtvk&t=143s) >> Mhm. >> I think just before you even got pregnant and I met you when you got pregnant and now you're with your young daughter. So I know that your own past was something that you had to really work through. So as comfortable as you are, can you just share with people, you know, where you came from? Because I think people look at women like you and me and they somehow naively assume that we just kind of plopped on earth and oh, we're just so smart or we're so lucky or we have a great partner or we attribute something other than the torturous inner work we've done, you know. So tell us about your torturous inner work and how you've arrived to be this human being. [[3:08]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0IgVbNyXtvk&t=188s) [laughter and gasps] >> Yeah. Well, I mean, so you know a little bit of my story. You know, I was born to a mom who really, really struggled with her mental health, had severe trauma and um mental illness. And so I was in and out of foster homes until I was about 12 when I became more to the government. Was addicted to hard drugs at 14, hanging with people who were in and out of jail, you know, getting into all sorts of illegal trouble in a really abusive relationship at 19. That was sort of one of my beginning awakening points. And then, you know, married to somebody in my early 20s who really was not even a romantic partner. It was really just a soul contract that we had to play out. And when that ended, it was a very abrupt rug ripped from underneath the feet moment. It was everything falling away. My beloved cat disappeared, you know, which I had a very deep soul bond with. my partner, you know, my husband at the time, he left for another person, left me with all of our belongings and all of our bills and just kind of ditched me there. [[4:13]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0IgVbNyXtvk&t=253s) My business was gone overnight. So, I lost all of my income. My health crashed, I gained tons of weight, got rashes all over my body. Like, my body was really sick. I was really reacting from the trauma that had not been dealt with. And so that was really when I started to have some spirit guide messages come in that this is not about him. This is not about this present- day situation. This is all of that unfinished business from your childhood. [[4:40]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0IgVbNyXtvk&t=280s) And I started to have visions of when I was three and when I was dropped off at a foster home and feel those feelings again. So it was agonizing. It was horrible. But it was also the best thing that ever happened to me. And from there I went on to do a lot of deep inner work. I started off with doing breath work rebirththing. I was doing inner mother father work. I was doing transpersonal therapy, shadow work. I was also doing plant medicine ceremonies at the time. I was literally just doing everything because I was in so much pain. I thought I might die in my sleep when I would go to bed at night. And I really didn't want to do this over again. And I knew that we are operating on patterns. And so if I didn't work on this, I was going to be doing this same dance again far too soon. And so that's how I got started. And from there, that's when I started to shift my writing more. And then I eventually built Rising Woman and went down the training rabbit hole and and now it is what it is today. So that's the very abbreviated version. Wow. So I just want people listening to hear that if she could go through you know a very disruptive childhood with very you know dysfunctional attachments because her maternal figure and where was your father at that time? [[5:57]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0IgVbNyXtvk&t=357s) >> I had never met my father and the only thing that I knew was that there was a lack of safety and that you know he was potentially stalking us. So I actually, you know, another element to my own story with my own inner runner is that we actually left the hospital when I was born from the back door because we were running away. And I spent my first 10 years of life always needing a buddy to go anywhere with me so that I didn't get kidnapped. [[6:23]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0IgVbNyXtvk&t=383s) >> Wow. >> There's just a lot there, you know, and I'm still working with that inner runner now. Really? >> Wow. Do you see her come up? The inner runner. >> Oh my gosh. Yes. Now, it's an impulse and it's a part that I can really look at and just work with and breathe through, but it's still there. And, you know, I think for those of us who have gone through this level of turmoil and trauma, when we're survivors, when we are literally the people who got us through life, I think it's inevitable that that part will always be there, but it's just about not letting it sabotage. [[6:57]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0IgVbNyXtvk&t=417s) So, I do my very best not to let her actually lead or sabotage my life, but the amount of times, you know, I've wanted to run away is you can't count. You can't count it. I mean, it's just what you've had to go through and overcome in this short life. You're so young. Just speaks to how healing can occur and that our wounds are not bigger than our healing potential and our past is not bigger than our present. However, it does take the life out of you, you know, but you know, people think so you had big tea traumas, right? They're called those are like legit legit big te's like like solid te's. But I think no matter what your one's trauma is, small tea, you know, periodic tea. I think that the most important lesson here or what I'm hearing is that there is a path out, but there was a part of you that didn't give up. [[7:56]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0IgVbNyXtvk&t=476s) >> What was that part that you know your body is inflamed, you're in your 20s, you've been quote unquote deserted, abandoned again by this man? Can you go back and tell us what was the voice in you that you kept hearing to get up and try to go for the plant medicine to go for the coaching because many people don't have that voice. I've always had this guide with me that has you know given me pretty clear direction and so I try to listen. So when that guide comes in and says hey this is what's happening here and this is what you do next I tend to do that. Um it's always worked for me. It's always guided me on the right path. Even though I was on my own and I had virtually nobody. The difference I think between people who don't have that drive to continue healing or that they don't have that drive to make their way out is having at least one person in their corner who really loved them or who was on their side. And I did have that. You know, I had really good social workers. I had a few that are, you know, they're acknowledged even in my book. [[8:58]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0IgVbNyXtvk&t=538s) I'm still in touch with them today because they really made a huge difference in my life. And when I had nobody and I was really rejected by everyone around me, I knew that I had at least one person that I could call. And so I think that we all need that in order to feel like there is something there for us. There's something more for us. Which is again I think why you know your work is really powerful and important. Why my work matters because we can be that for somebody. We can be that for a lot of people hopefully who maybe don't have that person in their immediate sphere because you know we are so community oriented. We are so relationship oriented and we need to know that you know we are important and that we belong. [[9:41]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0IgVbNyXtvk&t=581s) >> Yeah. I mean you're just incredible. What is your relationship with your mom like or what has it been over the years and what is it now? >> Yeah. You know I think I spent a lot of time in my 20s really in this codependent I want to save you. I want to fix you cycle. So, I was just, you know, constantly daydreaming about buying her a house and paying for everything, making her healed and spending time on the phone with her trying to teach her concepts and spiritual foundations. And I really had to give that up. And we had a probably 5 year or more period in my 20s where then we didn't really speak much at all. I had sort of just taken that distance. my husband now, Ben, who we've been together for 10 years now. Ben has been a really beautiful bridge for us and he has always been so welcoming and playful with her and encourages that connection and, you know, he books all of her flights and he just takes care of her and so it's been really beautiful. We've sort of had this new 10-year relationship where I do support her in many ways. I am really the caretaker still, but with my own boundaries, so I'm able to do what I can and hold some lines for myself as well. And so we see each other a few times a year and she's in our lives and we talk to her on FaceTime and you know we have a relationship and I think it will always be a little bit complex but something that just feels really true for me is that I do feel that my soul chose her and so I don't feel anger at her or resentment to her for what we went through. In fact, I feel really grateful because I feel that it's what propelled me into this path that I'm in now. And you know, I love my job. I love my work. [[11:25]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0IgVbNyXtvk&t=685s) I love what I do and I feel that it tempered me. I feel that my history bringing me to this point was the tempering that I needed to actually do this work. And so I'm grateful. And so, you know, we're just doing our very best. And it's not perfect. And I don't expect it will ever be. >> Wow. Do you remember a pivotal moment in your life where you had to grieve the fantasy of what that mother would be and realize that she will never be that? [[11:53]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0IgVbNyXtvk&t=713s) >> You know, I think I spent a lot of time suppressing and denying those painful feelings. So, it took a long time before I could get past the anger and the resentment to actually get to the tenderness and the grief. And that was really just like a long gradual process. But you know there is a time where I was in a medicine ceremony. My husband and I way back in the day we weren't even engaged yet and we had gone to a ceremony together and there was a moment in the night where I actually became my mother. I like went into her mental illness. It was really horrifying. It was not a fun experience, but I had this whole night of her. And then I had a moment where it was sort of like a split screen where there was these two bubbles up, one on the left and one on the right. And one was, you know, mother, the mother archetype who owed me something, who was supposed to be a certain way. And then the other side was woman, just woman on her path, woman who was just fighting to survive. And there was this split for me. There was this realization that I could let go of that archetype in this life, like that she was not going to be that for me in this life. She couldn't be that for me in this life and that it wasn't her fault and that it was okay. And so that was really impactful for me. And I carry that with me always because that teaching that I received has carried me through of it's okay to expect. Of course, we expect that our mothers will be mothers to us, right? Of course, it's okay to grieve and to feel that longing, but eventually we have to just accept what is in this life and to understand that we can separate the two. And that underneath those archetypes of expectations or the roles that we want people to play, there's still just a human being who's a soul trying to figure this out, right? They're trying to figure out how to survive as well. [[13:44]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0IgVbNyXtvk&t=824s) So, that was a big one for me. >> Yeah. that shift from that archetype that we all want from our mothers and that we want to be as mothers. So you're going to see this come up in your life because I wanted to be that archetype and I have actually not been that in some ways for my daughter. I don't think anyone can actualize that archetype in its perfection. So then when you drop from grace, right, of course your mother dropped further down, but all of us are going to drop from grace from that perfectionistic ideal. We all want to be that mother. We all want to project that mother and we all want to have that mother, but we're all going to fall short to some degree or the other. How do we show grace for ourselves in our humanity? And I loved what you said, a woman on her path. If we can just accept at our most elemental level, we are just ordinary women on our path. And let go of this illusion that we are these martyrs, these amazing utopic women. Not that we have to fall so down into despair as your mother did, but of course she didn't mean to either. [[14:55]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0IgVbNyXtvk&t=895s) >> No, she had no choice really. She had no choice because no one helped her and she just wasn't at that point of her transformation. So, how do we show grace that we are at the end of the day more than and less than that mother archetype? We are just really simply on a different plane. We are a different bubble. We're always going to be just a woman walking on our path. And that's humbling to realize, but it's also liberating right now when I can tell my 22-year-old, I'm so sorry I hurt you. I'm just a woman. I'm just trying. I'm just a human being. It is liberating. But we have to do it in a way that's also understanding of our children and staying in connection. Right. That would be the ideal balance of us and them. [[15:43]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0IgVbNyXtvk&t=943s) >> Yeah. >> Right. >> Yeah. Totally. It is such a humbling journey. And you know, I think one of the things that we as a collective could work on is realizing that the mother archetype is not synonymous with God. >> Yes. >> Right. That's what we've confused is we've really made mother God. And it makes sense. You know, she is the land that we walk upon. She is our everything. And she's a human being, right? If we really want to commune with God, there are better ways to do it than to looking to our human mothers. So yeah, it is this constant journey. Even for me, you know, my daughter's just about three now. You know, we had our honeymoon phase 0 to one. I always tell parents, I think it's the honeymoon phase because it's like what could go wrong? You know, of course it's hard and you're not sleeping and they might have a really rough start or they might have collic or whatever, but it's like the problems are really small and they're not talking, they're not saying no, they're not fighting back. There's nothing. It's just They're just a little potato sack, >> right? [[16:43]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0IgVbNyXtvk&t=1003s) >> You know, once they hit toddler years, there's a lot of intensity. There's a lot of stimulation and it can make you snap, you know, and I have lots of moments where I do where I'm like frustrated or I'm short-tempered or I'm impatient with her. And I have to pause right in that very moment and be like, "Okay, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have snapped or I shouldn't have, you know, said that. I shouldn't have reacted that way. You know, I'm sorry. I love you." [[17:08]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0IgVbNyXtvk&t=1028s) and I have to repair in those moments. It's like if I had it [clears throat] my way, I would never lose my cool, >> right? >> And I'm just doing my best. And so, yeah, it's this battle of, you know, facing the disappointment that we have with ourselves for being human, >> but giving ourselves that grace and remembering, you know, our kids really don't need us to be perfect, but they do need us to be accountable. [[17:31]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0IgVbNyXtvk&t=1051s) >> Yes. >> I think that that's the best that we can do in modeling. And of course, if our behavior is really off the rails, we need to change that. Yeah, >> little moments where, you know, you're just not being your perfect self. You're not being endlessly patient. You know, that's normal. And what we can do is really show them that we're aware. >> Yeah. >> Remind them that we're just our own people. >> Yeah. How has it been for you to mother her when you remember yourself at that age? Or you may not remember it consciously. [[18:02]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0IgVbNyXtvk&t=1082s) >> Yeah. >> But that you were unmthered. How is that experience? And do you ever try to mother yourself in those moments while mothering her? >> Yeah. You know, I remember I even have preverbal memories. I have a wild memory. So, I do remember being her age. And, you know, I said to my husband the other day, she was having a really hard time and she was just being two and a half, you know, say no. [[18:28]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0IgVbNyXtvk&t=1108s) >> Yeah. >> And I, you know, was supporting her and working with her and getting her all settled. And then I just looked at him. And I said, "I can't believe that's the age that I was when I was going through so much. Like, I can't believe that that's how old I was cuz she's so tiny and innocent and she's such a baby, you know?" And so I do remember it and it really helps me sometimes when she's in the middle of a real throwdown, you know, she's a fiery one. And if I just look at her and I really look at her, I can remember the feelings of helplessness or fear or powerlessness of just so much happening internally and not really knowing what to do with that. [[19:04]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0IgVbNyXtvk&t=1144s) And it really softens me immediately so that I can just completely drop into space holding and presence with her and see her truly, you know, see her tenderness underneath whatever reaction she's giving me. And it's so healing for me to love her in the ways that I didn't receive love. It's so healing for me to hold this deep wide container of space for her while she's just throwing down when what was true for me is that I would just get locked in a room and left, you know. [[19:36]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0IgVbNyXtvk&t=1176s) >> And so it's just really all of us working out our own attachment stories. You know, I had a conversation with um Michelle from Anate Traditions before and we talked all about how every one of us is working out our own attachment stories through our mothering. And for me, that's just been such a gift and it's been beautiful and very fullon, very immersive. We're going to take a quick break. Don't go anywhere. When we come back, we'll have more with Chilena. [[20:07]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0IgVbNyXtvk&t=1207s) you know, without, [music] you know, ingratiating and, you know, keep going on about you. You you are so amazing because I just want to say, you know, that for you to overcome not being motherthered at such a young age and truly show up for your daughter even the ways you are, which to me are even more than I ever showed up really and not to compare, but the fact that you can do this is really the testimony to and a testament to that whole process of reparing yourself. I mean that's what you did for 20 years. But it really can work. Like you are that shining light to show people listen you can be damaged. [[20:48]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0IgVbNyXtvk&t=1248s) You can be in a dysfunctional early attachment. You can have really disruptive early experiences. But boy this healing process does work if you stick at it long enough and you can then become a fully beautiful present human being for your next generation. I mean, when you look back at that 14-year-old girl who was into drugs or bad relationships, negative relationships, could you have ever imagined that you would be this container for your daughter back then? Right? It must have felt so elusive to you back then. [[21:21]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0IgVbNyXtvk&t=1281s) >> I mean, the level of dorky that I am at this age, 37, I could never have imagined that I would be here, you know? >> Yeah. >> And Yeah. Like I could just never have imagined this life. Though I think that there was always an inkling that I yearned to create something bigger. I had been writing my whole life, you know, and I had big dreams and it's slowly unfolding for me that most of the things that I dreamed for or dreamed of are coming to be in some way, shape or form. And then there's also a reimagining. I'm becoming a mother where I'm having to put everything on hold in a way in order to prioritize our attachment. You know, like even this morning I had to text you and be like, "Hey, I can't even get on this podcast yet. My daughter's not awake and I have to be there when she's awake." You know, I just had a big opportunity to speak on a pretty big stage and I had to turn it down because I didn't want to lug her halfway across the world for it. And so it's just, you know, at every stage I feel we are also reimagining what it is that we want to create and what life it is that we want to build. [[22:31]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0IgVbNyXtvk&t=1351s) And it's possible, you know, we many of us were born at the time that we were born to break cycles and to change the lineage story for all the ones behind us and all the ones that come after us. And even if we choose, you know, not to have kids or if we can't have kids, you know, for aunties or uncles, like we have such a big impact in our communities and so it really does matter. [[22:56]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0IgVbNyXtvk&t=1376s) >> Yeah. you know, for whatever it's worth, I promise you till my daughter was 13 or 14, I really didn't travel much either. >> And I had to really measure, you know, how far, how many days away and really create a replacement community. But when she was two or three, I couldn't even go for my internship. I remember I used to feel a panic attack which was like 20 minutes away. >> So, >> I'm with you. This is a phase. And I used to always tell myself because there was a part of me that felt a little resentful, right? Look at all my co-P PhD student friends. They're all chilling and going to the club and oh, they're hanging out again and look at me. I have to run back and just do diaper changes. There was a little bit of a whiny part of me, like a princess entitled like this shouldn't be my life kind of part of me. I also had a wise part of me that used to say, you know, this if you stay here, Shafali, if you really do this well, 10 years from now, you're going to be a kick-ass teacher because of what you went through. Like she is teaching you like absolutely >> this is the wisdom you need to emerge later to lead other women or to help other women. You're not going to be able to do this later if you don't do this well now. So I just took it like take your time because when you emerge from the tunnel, you will be a force. And so I really took it like I'm learning. I'm learning. This is my school. This is my school. Oh, Shiovali, you want to be a an amazing author later or you want to be a teacher later? You better be paying attention right now. And I knew that this was the sacrifice quote unquote I needed to make to really do what I wanted later. But had I missed those deep mothering struggles and moments, >> I wouldn't have anything to really teach. You know, really, this is your lesson. The stage can wait. The fancy talks can wait because when you show up there for having done this, you're going to be such more the illuminated one, you know, the powerful one. [[24:54]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0IgVbNyXtvk&t=1494s) >> I let go of a lot of stuff. And I remember feeling time is running out. I'm too late. I'm going to miss the boat. But I also like you was very clear that this is the mission. The mission is this. So if I miss this mission, I'm lying, right? I'm inauthentic. >> Yeah. Well, and at the end of the day, it's not going to matter what stages you spoke on, but it is going to matter how you loved your family. [[25:15]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0IgVbNyXtvk&t=1515s) >> And I knew, you know, before I even conceived my daughter, Serea, I remember I was walking in the woods back behind our home. Then again, this guide came in and was like, you know, if you really want to go deeper, you want to get to the next level of your inner work, you actually have to put your work on hold and you need to have a family because that's where your work is next. And I kind of grappled with it, you know, because it was a big choice like do I continue to propel my career forward. I had just got a book deal and I was in the middle of, you know, publishing my first book and there was a lot of opportunity. But this voice in me knew, you know, it makes sense. Of course, my deeper inner work would be to have a family because of everything I've been through. And so, and I did. And it's been the most beautiful, confronting, chaotic journey I've ever been on. And I also just like to remember that for a lot of women, we don't even hit our peak success until we're in our 50s. And I'm 37 now. I like to just remember that cuz I'm like, I'm already doing great. I'm happy with where I am. and I'm okay to say no to things right now and you know I hope that I have a long life and that I get lots of opportunity but it is true that we tend to prioritize the external in our culture but really what matters is like how are we loving our family and are we really happy at home and that's the foundation that if we had that the world would be a really different place like look at the political climate I guarantee you that these politicians that are just wreaking havoc in the world did not have a safe and secure loving family because if they did they wouldn't be acting this way 100%. I did a video on that that the narcissists the power- hungry leaders that we're seeing out in the world are doing this because they're on a rampage for this external power because they're missing what it means to just be still. And when you're still, you don't need to, you know, masquerade as a tyrant. You don't need to dominate others. You don't need to show your power in these very obvious ways. It's a very subtle, silent, you know, just uh settling in of who you are. That's power. But all you know, this kind of narcissistic domination is such a, you know, surrogate for this deep internal void. and this early bonding that you are now giving your daughter. You know, I can tell you that now my daughter's 22 and even though we go through bumpy times in my body, I know what I put in in those first 10 years. I know the time I did, I know the hours, I know the connection, the presence. I remember while going through it like you. [[27:57]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0IgVbNyXtvk&t=1677s) >> I'm sure you too like I did every day. We are registering. You know, I did it. I did it. Check. I may not have done it perfectly, but I showed up. I tried I tried again and I remember doing it literally every day and I still do it every single day and I still have messed up but deep internally I know that her foundation is pretty tight and that allows her to fly and then you in your 50s and now I'm in my 50s. I can pretty much start flying now. I have just started. She's just turned 22. It's a long journey, but I think it's so worth it because this is really ultimately when we parent our children with beauty, we're actually parenting ourselves with beauty, right? [[28:40]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0IgVbNyXtvk&t=1720s) >> Absolutely. And I mean, I saw that podcast that you did with her where she was, you know, sort of giving you the laundry list, but I was like, you know what, that to me is a sign that she's really feels safe with you. like >> a child, an adult child or a child who can actually bring their truth to their parent and have their parent hold that. What more could you want? >> I know, right? [[29:01]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0IgVbNyXtvk&t=1741s) >> So, I feel very inspired by that and it's really beautiful what you did and you know, I think every child yearns to be able to bring that to their parent and have it held and not rejected or dismissed or denied. Um, and that's secure attachment. It really is. And and what Shay is referring to is a video of my daughter and me that's on YouTube right now in in my podcast where she really, like Shay said, gave me a whole list of things that and you're doing this wrong and this wrong and you keep doing this wrong. And what she realizes, but not yet until she becomes a parent herself is how amazing it is to be able to tell your parent dead face, boldface, you're wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong. I mean, that is the therapy, right? [[29:47]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0IgVbNyXtvk&t=1787s) There's no people then go oh then what's going to happen later or how did you process that I went and I say this is the work the saying the ability the safety there's nothing else needs to be done because the therapy is in the ability to step into your power in front of this authority you call your parent and tell them that they are wrong and not have any repercussion right and as she tells me very often how wrong I am I let her because I know it's her just finding her voice and finding herself and many of us don't get this chance but you know when we can give it to our children it means that we are secure inside ourselves right that we don't need to prove >> yeah well and I mean it's a hard job in many ways because you know I say to people we basically sign up to break our own hearts you know we sign up to love this being more than we've ever loved anyone in the entire world like love so deep it feels like it could kill us some days. And yet our entire job is to help them feel so safe and so secure and so true in themselves that they are ready to leave you and fly the best. And in what other reality would we ever do that to ourselves, right? It's that we do that. But that's what we do. And so it's a job like no other. It's a deeply spiritual initiation for many of us if we choose to say yes to that initiation. [[31:12]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0IgVbNyXtvk&t=1872s) And it's painful and messy and joyous and all the things. It truly is, Shay. Thank you. Thank you for being who you are. Thank you for your story and just being a light and an example that we can get through things that seem pretty unimaginable. You're awesome. I learn from you each time. I so appreciate you. Thank you for being here. >> Thanks so much. It was a pleasure. I hope all of you listening could really pick up on the truth that when we do our healing work, when we have the courage to look within and break our old patterns, there is a way forward, there is a way to have a beautiful life that integrates and owns our pain, but also can alchemize it and transform it into wisdom, just like Shellena has taught us to do. Thank you so much for listening to this episode and I will see you on the next time of parenting and you with [music] me Dr. Shafali. [[32:11]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0IgVbNyXtvk&t=1931s) Parenting and you with Dr. Shafali is for [music] educational andformational purposes only. It is not intended as [music] a substitute for professional medical, psychological, psychotherrapeutic, coaching, health care or other qualified [music] professional advice, diagnosis or treatment.