Older Child Hurts Younger Sibling, Then Shuts You Out, Saying "You’re Not on My Side" — What Now?

0:00 [Music] that thing that happens where you're sort of trying to deal with a situation and the child just takes it really personal in that sibling relationship and says, "Oh, you know, you always take their side or you love them more than me. It's such a difficult one." So, I would say it kind of depends on the situation. Depends on if your youngest son's okay. If your younger son's okay to be left, it can be uh good to go after him because he's clearly off track. Yeah. Saying that you're not on my side, he's storming off. So, it can be good to, you know, if your younger son's okay to really sort of um go after your older one with that kindness and calm if you can muster that. That's a whole another uh conversation about how we can stay calm in these really challenging situations. It's not easy, but I think it could be really helpful for your son that you're going after him. You're showing that uh care and connection and you know what you say will be sort of individual to your family, but in my family it might be my love, you know, I'm here.

1:13 Um and you know, you might get a door slammed in your face, but there's something about offering that connection which will, you know, allow, you know, the underlying feelings to come up. So going with the scenario of the door sort of slamming in the face. Um you know sometimes it um can be useful to sort of put notes under the door sort of I love you notes. So um kind of saying you know I'm not going away you know I'm here listening um if you know if you do um you know want my my company. I think it's a real balance because you want to respect you know a child might then move in to go away. I don't want you. That certainly happens in my family. And I think it is that kind of balance of respecting their needs um and what they're saying, but also knowing that you're there offering that connection that and I I often am thinking in the moment about the right balance of respecting what they're saying. You know, sometimes be really clear, I just need space. Please leave me alone. La.

2:11 Um and sometimes I'll sort of compromise. I say, "Okay, well, I I'll just sort of be outside your room for a bit, you know, if you want me because you're upset and I, you know, I don't want you to be alone um while you're upset." Um, so I think, you know, if we always leave them to it, so it might be kind of, you know, doing a bit of both, but if we always leave them to it, if we never go after them when they're upset and try and offer that connection and that listening space, then the feeling the underlying issues are never going to or unlikely to to kind of be resolved because it all just gets kind of shut down.

2:51 um our connection going after our child when they're upset, you know, our connection actually um does bring up feelings and it might look unpleasant and difficult and sometimes it can bring up anger which can be shown in you know go away you know leave me alone. Um and that is some of the feelings coming out and so it is this balance of actually your presence is bringing up the feelings. Um, and that can be really helpful. Um, but then sometimes, you know, you might want to sort of respect what they're saying and sort of back off a bit. So, it is a bit of a dance that we have to kind of feel into um each time. But I do think broadly speaking if you can go after him, kind of offer that connection because he's clearly upset.

3:39 There's clearly, you know, stuff going on for him. So, you're showing that you're really there for him in that difficult moment. I hope that makes um some sense. I just want to say a bit about the courses Handinhand um offers. Um there's a six week foundation course. I want to say a bit about the courses because I think it's just a lovely way to immerse more uh with the tools, get, you know, really personalized kind of input um and feedback and also to really connect um with other parents. I think that's so profound to actually kind of have that community of parents and really deeply realize you're not on your own with this and really have that kind of support. And so I hope I hope that was um gave you something to go