Toddler Hitting

0:00 good afternoon and parents this is Shelly Macey from hand-in-hand and I'm delighted to be here with you again on the topic of toddlers hitting scratching and other kind of pushing other kinds of aggressive behaviors Monday patty with her the founder of hand in hand and I presented our initial broadcast on this topic and we have some technical difficulties but there are 20 minutes of that broadcast that's

0:33 available to you on the face on our Facebook page and so that can give you some additional information and perspective and I'm building off of that today so if if you feel like I've missed something or you missed something because you didn't get to see or hear that broadcast please feel free to ask a question as we get to that part so we have about 15 minutes together today and

1:04 I want to save a little time at the end for questions again my name is Shelly Macey I've worked with children for 40-some years much of that with toddlers infants and toddlers and also many years with preschoolers I taught in Montessori education and home daycare and I also have worked with many many have start teachers and and childcare providers in tribal communities I was the early

1:36 childhood education instructor at Northwest Indian College I say thee because for many of those years it was a solo assignment and sometimes I got to work with colleagues my own heritage is Cherokee and I am very pleased to be here with you today so just following briefly on what we did on Monday one of the things that happens for us when our

2:07 toddlers start hitting or otherwise hitting biting and we'll talk a little more about biting next Thursday so I'm gonna try and focus a little more on hitting and scratching and things like that today when our toddlers start this they've been this adorable precious baby that we have treasured and that has treasured us really and it's been this incredible relationship excuse me as a

2:38 parent and when our toddler sometimes they laugh when they hit or they take a look at us I know my my little grandson will just get this most delighted look on his face he'll just look so happy and then there's something that's sort of shift in his face and he'll bring his fist back and just be ready to wallop in his sight what's happened to my precious little guy you know the one who just

3:09 came up to me and loved me and hugged me with all the joy in the world or they'll get they'll do something well one little guy that I had in child care would take his little fingernails boy his mom would cut those fingernails but he couldn't scratch so hard and his face would just didn't ever have a blank look like he didn't really notice he'd done anything and those little thing you're not nails with draw blood and we would just feel

3:37 you know his mom would just become so upset with him she would get angry and so there are a variety of feelings that we have when our children do these things we can be heartbroken this child who loved us has suddenly turned on us with them with incredible intensity we can feel angry we can feel just so discouraged we can feel like we're a bad parent and we're trying so hard or we can feel

4:10 like oh my gosh I have a bad child and it just you know just a sinking feeling we get we can get very frightened we can feel very ashamed all of those feelings can become just this kind of this overwhelming sense that we get when our little toddler our precious baby falls off and hits us or someone else and someone smaller than them and we we don't know what to do so

4:42 the first thing I just want to say to you is you are a good parent your child is a good and precious child and those feelings that he wrote in us and the intensity of it is an indication really of what happened to us when we were little around anger aggression violence in the family violence around us the love that

5:13 we expected from the adults who were often either way overwhelmed by their lives or or kept from us really by the mores or the standards of people in their social position or just any number of things that separate us from our parents so that we were heartbroken as little ones or scared or frightened or angry those feelings will sort of erupt in a tidal wave when our little one just

5:47 does an aggressive behavior so one of the the big message here on what I wanted to encourage you is it every single one of us when we're parenting toddlers deserves and needs really to have moments during the day and sometimes a large chunk of time during the day where we can tell someone what it's like what it was like when it happened with when our child hauled off

6:18 and hit us I remember myself but one of the things that really convinced me that listening partnerships were we're going to be life-saving for my children and also for me I grew up in a violent household we're doing things I wasn't supposed to do resulted in getting yelled at or hit and I was very frightened and my children are about two and four and when they would when the older one would go

6:49 after the younger one or the younger one would do something it was like here's my precious baby turning into a little monster I would just want to physically hurt them and I had a listening partner and she was so kind and she just looked at me we had both grown up in violent homes and so when it was her turn to listen to me she it was middle of winter and she handed me this big wool coat of

7:14 hers and she said Shelly tear them up and I was like what just tear up your children and I was shocked but I knew that she was right my children weren't there they weren't gonna get hurt and I just got to rage and cry and let my heartbreak about how this was what was happening and whatever you know I didn't really think about what happened to me as a child I just was filled with these

7:45 feelings and it was really a very short time it was probably 10 to 15 minutes of her listening to me and then my time was up and she asked me some question that wasn't related to this and I responded I took a deep breath and then I was able to pay attention to her and from that day forward my children were never I never felt dangerous to them again and I had felt very dangerous so it was

8:16 a very big deal and it convinced me of the importance of listening partnerships okay so I want to go into a little bit more about toddler aggression and tell a couple stories and then I'll have some we'll have some time to take some questions so okay so what toddler aggression is one way we can there's two

8:47 ways you know but the first one is sometimes they're just experimenting you know like whack what happens when I do that and piece of information oh I can't let you do that or just no or just cuddling them and saying we don't do that they'll kind of get over it they'll just experiment see that it's not something that anybody wants to do and stuff I would say that the majority of my experience in childcare and with my

9:18 own children is that toddler aggression was really a signal for help here's a child who's got a bunch of feelings just uh and what they what can they do with it they can't when children are feeling frightened and that's almost always the root of aggression when they're feeling frightened they can't think they need a place to this way they

9:49 can't think they need help and they don't know what to do they're frightened and and if the aggression is like I have to fight for myself because I do I'm scared that signal if we can to meet that that change in perspective from I'm a bad parent and my kids a bad kid - ah you need help let me help was like it was huge permission for me to keep

10:21 thinking and not to fly into my upset with them and so so my if I can see this as a call for help then I don't have to respond with harshness or with hitting back or with marching them up to the corner or any of those things that if I if I see it as a call for help those kinds of things when we talk very sternly or we try to teach them no we

10:54 don't do that in our family we do this um the best teaching approach to me was always disabled sucked and sucked hands and sometimes that was a piece of information that could use but other than that they can't really take in the information because they're so scared so if we respond by harshness or with sternness or with teaching or with physical mm-hmm what it does is increase

11:25 the amount of fear that they're then carrying around so whatever triggered the fear in the first place that led to the aggressive behavior gets exacerbated or increased by our edition of scary voice and scary action and then they're more likely to be aggressive again and then we're like why aren't they learning and so here this new approach of seeing this aggression as a signal for help is

11:55 extremely helpful when a toddler does an aggressive behavior probably our what we what we call it in hand-in-hand is when we're setting the limit and we've all talked about setting limits but when we're setting the limit we want to bring the limit to the child and with a little toddler it's we come over to them as quickly as we can and we gently stop that behavior and we might

12:28 say something we know haha and we put our hand where it in front of that little fist that's coming at us or in front of or we reach around to stop the block from flying and we hang on in a way that really stops it they actually need us always say I can't let you do that and we listen we're there it's like we're the attentive barrier to them

12:59 carrying out the aggression now sometimes people say how can I get there in time they're really fast and that's where as a as a parent we often know the times that they're going to be into behavior like that so we get to think ahead and go okay I know it always happens right before breakfast or right after I come home pick them up at daycare or when does it happen then we can be prepared and we can get in there

13:29 and stop them that reaching in that getting there that stopping and being a attentive barrier then gives them the chance to let to let the feelings that are driving the behavior drain off and it's often it it's sometimes it's a laughter draining they'll start laughing because they don't get to or they might

14:01 look at us and just get angry and have a tantrum or they might dissolve into tears as they try still try to get but that physical gentle but firm stopping is a way to let the feelings that have terrified them get out it's get expressed and dissipate the fear inside and really the more vigorous

14:31 the reaction the deeper that can cry the harder they can cry or be angry or laugh then the better the outcome will be because they'll be able to think again the more they get out the more they can think and be able to be that wonderful precious gentle delightful inquisitive toddler that they really are so I had a couple of stories own to tell and then I'm going to ask you if you have

15:01 questions one is about a little boy that he was in our childcare center at the college where I was working and his mommy and his auntie actually were two of the teachers in his room and they asked me for help because he would scratch other children draw blood and they had learned hand-in-hand approach this idea of setting a limit getting near stopping it and Anna he

15:32 would just stop and then you'd say I'm sorry cuz that's what he was taught to do and then moments later there would be another sneaky scratch and someone would be crying and he'd be looking kind of blank and Anna and what I realized went so they asked me to come in I knew him hi it was a bundle guy and they asked me to come in and they said he doesn't cry and I said what that happens often time

16:02 when a child has repeatedly been stopped so and not really been able to cry because we give our kids so many meshes it everyday not to be upset and there's there's good reasons for that I mean we are really overburdened as parents so there was a yeah so I was doing friendly patrol because I knew it was going to happen and it's like they brought me in at a time when it usually happened and I stopped him and he went after somebody

16:34 and I reached in and I said huh I can't let you do that sweetie and he just stopped and I said I'm sorry and I thought oh this is tricky well then we went outdoors they were outdoors and and um it's tricky because he didn't show any effect really he just I'm sorry and it was over and then we went outside and I was a gun doing friendly patrol and he just shoved his friend locked down on

17:03 the ground they're both two years old and was rather startled and I went to the little guy and I said sweetie I can't let you push your friend down and he started to get up and he started you up he started after the little boy who was on the ground and I just said and he started he's again didn't make noise he started kind of struggle in chocolate and what I realized was he couldn't really tell I was there so I

17:31 just moved in closer I put my cheek next I my hand on his cheek and then he started to get upset and at some point I put my cheek on his cheek and he just burst into tears and he had a great big cry and he fell on the ground and I just lay on the ground with him and just stayed closed closed just making physical contact cheek to cheek her hand to cheek you know big cry and then his

18:00 mummy came out and she was like no yes she understood that he needed a cry but she wasn't sure and so it was time for them to go and they got up and big Manton so I went out the gate the other way and he had been crying for a good while since probably 10 to 15 minutes and he came running after me and he said Shelley Shelley hi sweet man he gave me a big hug and that's the first time he

18:29 ever acknowledged he knew my name so it was an interesting you don't always get that kind of reaction back but it was really very sweet one other story I have is about my grandson Tommy who is just [Music] we go to pick up his brother it's foolish childcare and a staffer delighted with him because Tommy because Jamie is still out combing but what they

19:00 do is respond to him as if he is five or six and he was really only two and a half and they reach him and kind of tickle him and Jamie would laugh and be but he'd get this tense I think I mean I could tell that and I try and step in and say ah we don't tickle and you know but they just hi and they're always a little excited jamie is excited but it's kind of new and let me

19:24 go outside and get in the car and I go to buckle Jamie in and he punched me in the face whoa that was new so I stopped Tiffany nestled in with my hand and I said okay hit me and he giggled and yeah so the next week we went in and I was ready for it and I was again helping them not tickle him but they still kind of chased him around and didn't really run after

19:51 him but they kind of an o'clock they're going to and he's scared so we get back in the car I go the buckling him at this time I'm ready because I know he's gonna punch me at the face and this time I just have to go huh and he started to struggle with the other huh huh and he started to cry and you just had this sweet little cry and and uh I didn't last very long maybe five minutes his

20:19 brothers just sort of hanging out and then we went home and then when I went in next time I was much more verbal with the staff that I wanted that that he's getting scared when you do this so so he likes you so much but it's a little scared so can you just tone it down although and they did okay um I know our time is just about it and I want to

20:50 check and see if there are any questions and um [Music] I'm getting used to doing this Facebook live so it's uh oh good hand in hand prop posted a couple of articles about secret fears driving your child's aggression one on setting effective limits with children and foster cooperation that's great and if

21:21 listening partnership is a new term for you so there's a lot of references here for you that's great it's fun to have that kind of backup and support someone said this is off topic but I love all the pictures your kiddos behind you yes my grandchildren and my children and my parents so um is there anyone who has a question or comment oh I see I can show

21:53 comments so there's one about listening partnerships Maxine asks how long would you let them cry it out you know the my rule of thumb let's even get rid of this comment it depends just so much on how much time attention and space I have I'm

22:27 sorry there okay so let me let me reframe it a little bit they'll work that there what you're doing by setting the limit in giving them room to release the feelings is you're giving them space to go inside and do the internal work of cleaning up old fear so it's kind of

23:00 like when you when you're cleaning house and you're doing your you know doing the laundry and you're vacuuming so how much time do you have how much energy do you have and especial especially if I've prepared myself I've got okay I know this happens and I'm going to actually be ready this time instead of having a three course before I don't have three course breakfasts but instead of cooking breakfast we're gonna plan on breakfast cereal because I know

23:31 every morning there's a meltdown about getting about getting ready to go to daycare so I said if I set things up maybe even get up a little early so that I have time attention and the the kind of the perspective that this is a good thing is going to happen then I can allow for a larger amount of time and if I'm and my analogy about cleaning house

24:02 if I want if I have set things aside so I can deep clean these carpets that have been driving me nuts or get to the corners of the kitchen then the more I can get done easier the house is going to be to keep clean after this so if you give don't chant no more that I'm able to give my child a chance it can a deep-clean what they're carrying around inside then that easier their life is going to get

24:30 and the easier mine is gonna get how long you have I listened to children anywhere from a few moments to an hour hour even in a yeah my own son had a kind of very long birth and he just sat on a lot of fear he he would he was so precious and then he would just turn and be just hurting his sister and I just would mmm like I told you about that listening partnership I had so I

24:59 wouldn't tear him up when I could figure out how to set a limit so he could actually release some of that boy I would want to take advantage of it as fully as I could children basically they'll use the time that an attention that you're able to give them so they can do that work and they'll trust you more than ever although you can feel like they're gonna hate you for the rest of your life it's

25:29 a funny thing but in order to do that release it's like they have to aim their fears at somebody or something and you stand in for whatever it was that terrified them so remember I was doing daycare ahead a little guy who'd said I hate you yeah I thought worst teacher in the world and he said you have B oh I don't know where you got that but I still love you

26:02 and I'll always love you and I can't let you do that okay um I think we have time for well I'm gonna take time for one more question if there is one all right I have to tell hand and again I'd have to tell bill mother I'm not very good at 15 minutes okay okay

26:37 I'll just say I appreciate parents so much we work so hard in an hour it's like we have our hearts on our sleeves or running around the room and the love that we pour into our children always matters and the one of the biggest reasons why our little ones come at us with their feelings you know why they

27:09 take it out on us take it out on it's not because they are trying to put something on us but because they trust us so much so if your child is directing aggressive behavior at you [Music] that's the highest compliments they're saying I am carrying this around and and I know that you want me free so I'm going to show you what it is that I'm

27:42 carrying around can you help me so it's not about them wanting to hurt you it's about them saying I know you want to help me and again I refer you to the articles on the hand-in-hand website and there's also a lovely one of those self-guided courses that you can take about toddler aggression I think they're $39 are just wonderful and various on the parents club and various things that you can do thank you very much for being

28:12 part of this time with me and next Thursday at one o'clock at the same time as today wherever that you are in the time zone so next Thursday the 27th we'll be looking at fighting and why especially those times when you're so cuddly and warm and then all of a sudden there's a painful bite all right thank you so much and I look forward to seeing you again Thursday if you can buy her now