Mentoring Our Kids in Skills, Wisdom and Faith | Ep. 25

0:00 [Music] hi everyone welcome to this edition of the connected families podcast we are in a five-part series called the magnet says it all I'm Stacy belward I'm so glad you're joining us today is the fourth in this series by co-founders Jim and Lynn Jackson explaining the core framework of connected families teaching today's principal from the framework is coach and you'll learn how to proactively draw kids away from misbehavior toward their god-given

0:30 purposes by mentoring them in skills wisdom and Faith let's dig in we love this principle of Coach we actually have parent coaches who spend a whole bunch of time doing what teaching parents the concepts on the magnet indeed uh but we're going to hone in today on this concept as it relates to our parenting of children and you may remember we mentioned in segment one that when we do the assessment for parents about becoming a proactive coach to teach and

0:57 train and Mentor our kids in the skills and wisdom and Faith they're going to need a lot of parents sort of get dear in the headlights looks like what is that and what does it mean to be proactive and we don't really have a plan and we're really not on mission to do that and so we want to dig in today just a little bit to help parents start to develop a vision for being proactive to intentionally teach train coach is

1:20 the word that encapsuled in the skills and wisdom and Faith they're going to need to launch well into the world right and this really fits with the rest of the framework because it again it all starts from our foundation of us taking a hold of God's grace and truth for us so that that's what defines us not our children's behavior and we can really love them unconditionally and and enjoy them and that just tends to make kids so

1:44 open to our influence our teaching our coaching our building values and skills and wisdom and faith and all the good things and often times when we interview parents and we ask them when do you do your best teaching to your children they'll tell us well when my children don't do what they're supposed to I come alongside them and teach them and train them and you know help them understand right from wrong there's a problem with that isn't it why don't you take that

2:06 apart just a bit well how many good coaches wait for game time to really teach skills to their players that's really not how it ever works yeah the best learning happens in those off times when brains aren't under stress and kids can really think and process and have fun light-hearted discussions and learn in practical ways and watch their parents model and that's when the best coaching happens so don't wait for game time to do your coaching be proactive to do your

2:36 coaching and that brings us to today's key question which is what do you do or might you do or even what do you want to do to help your kids discover and grow in their God purpose what God built them to do that's a great question because our sense of our kids actually having a god purpose and that our parenting is in harmony with that and leading towards that really is a GameChanger and you know I think of all the times that I had

3:01 that long-term perspective with our kids as I thought about how to teach and train and Coach them that was defining so even the sibling issues in her home became less about oh jeez he's picking on her again and it became more about I want for my kids the kind of relationships in life that Jesus bought for them on the cross therefore what values and skills and what verses do they need you know is going to be

3:26 helpful to them and what skills can I develop and just the whole thing took on a coaching perspective rather than a corrective perspective so this whole idea of becoming a coach to our kids is far less about coaching them for immediacy and getting them to do or not do the things we want them to do or not do right now for expediency sake and far more about helping them to start to have a vision for how their actions now and

3:50 the things they're learning now will play into their long-term life and progress as members of the body of Christ exactly and we start to become more concerned about inspiring our kids with the value of what they might learn in a situation versus just stomping out unhelpful behavior and I think one of the reasons that parents often look at us with that deer in the headlight look when we talk to them about that is they they'll think well okay spiritual

4:16 training life skills training they're getting that someplace else like somebody's doing that for them over here and today more than at any time in human history we tend to Outsource the development of our kids and especially in the Western World the United States of America where we've got resources and clubs and opportunities Galore we have this tendency to push our kids toward those things so they have all the best opportunities without recognizing that the best opportunity that they have of

4:41 all is the relationship they have with us to be the conduit for the faith the values the skills they're going to need to function as productive members in the body of Christ someday and so that's not to say we ought not have our kids in dance or in music or in sports it's to say I think it's been helpful for a lot of parents to develop a mindset that that's stuff there are Partners in the development of our kids they're not the

5:02 ones who are developing our kids right we're still the primary ones and it's our job and it's up to us to have that General sense of vision for our kids that they are created in Christ Jesus to do the good works which he has prepared in advance for them to do and that's one of the key verses on the magnet under this principle is about having vision for our coaching and then the next one is don't exasperate your kids but raise

5:24 them up in the training and the instruction of the Lord so you put those two together have a vision in ways that encourage them not exasperate them train them up in the Lord to walk toward that Vision there's a lot of things that we unwittingly do that exasperate our kids on every side of the spectrum right like what kinds of things have you seen well I'll share an example from our own life as we wait minute Jim and Lyn Jackson

5:47 exasperated their kids oh yeah so we actually got pretty good at it we're yeah so on the magnet we talk about mentoring kids in skills wisdom and faith and before I really had a mindset like that we had three kids with a high high level ADHD genetics and let's just say apple didn't fall far from the tree and so we were a pretty disorganized household and we could get really frustrated with our kids especially me I

6:09 could get frustrated with the kids about losing things and leaving things all over and forgetting to follow through and I ask him to do something and then they'd come back and they're still playing with Legos and it just went round and round and so I began to think okay this is hard for them they are super creative super distractable high energy kids love how God made in that way sometimes and so how can I deal with the downside of that which was

6:35 the distractability that made it hard for them to follow through in a way that encourages them so I came up with this kind of silly I don't know if it's technically an acronym we've called them FPS foolproof forgetfulness prevention plans which the kids have come to call the f y and it's fpfp and actually one time I got a text from one of them saying yeah I'll make an FP fppp FTW about that and I I texted back and what's that about

7:02 and the answer I got was foolproof forgetfulness prevention plan for the win just like within the last year but they sensed my heart to train them to grow in the skills they needed to just accomplish the best in life that they wanted to and so instead of nagging them and coming back time and time again I'd you know I'd say okay this needs to get done what is your FP about that yeah and sometimes I'd hand him a Post-It note

7:29 with a pen and they'd write it down and sometimes we'd make up a little rhyme about it and you know other times there'd be picture schedule or whatever it was but we began to support them in the skills they needed to not be so distractable to be more productive with a long-term view of I'm teaching you how to work with your nervous system to just walk the most effectively in life and that was such a different perspective

7:52 yeah and one of the things as you're telling that story that I think about early on there in school we're trying to help them learn to make habits about foolproof forgetfulness prevention plans and they would fail sometimes inevitably just like you and I would fail and so we'd get the phone call from school I forgot my lunch can you bring it to me we'd be like okay so what's our best coaching do now and sometimes the best

8:14 coaching we decided was to allow our children to experience the impact of their forgetfulness as a motivator to getting a better foolproof forgetfulness prevention plan in place tomorrow and so our answer on the phone would be boy that sounds like a tough deal but if I'm going to bring you lunch it's going to cost you are you willing to pay the price and usually the answer was no I'll figure it out and then tomorrow they wouldn't forget their lunch on their own

8:38 without any nagging or reminders from us because we'd allowed them wearing the coach hat to experience the natural impact of choices they made on the way to learning but it wasn't like boy you blew it see you don't get lunch you're going to have to go hungry when you forget like there wasn't any shaming engagement at all it was just like wow that's that was kind of a bummer wasn't it and how did you get by at lunch today

8:56 and well I you know I talked to some friends and they helped me out and so now this childb built community and a sense of resourcefulness and got to grow in a number of different ways because I resisted this temptation to cover up their failure right and as I remember we even said you know in families we serve each other and so kind of once a month you can have that ride to school or that lunch delivery but then that's it and so

9:19 it was a blend of I want to serve you but then if you're not developing in this skill the natural impact of it will be a good teacher for you as well so we're talking about developing the skill of remembering stuff there's a bunch more skills and I know you're talking all the time about engagements you have with parents that you're coaching that help them with kids really of all ages across the Spectrum 3 to 13 develop the

9:41 skills needed for life skills for practical stuff of Life can you just give a little detail to a couple of those yeah one in particular that's super helpful for kids is when parents begin to help them identify what am I feeling and how do I want to deal with it and just like shrinking that to a quick catchphrase in your mind it's feel and deal and identifying feelings and then problem solving what to do about them and that's one of the most

10:03 essential skills that kids need it's basically emotional intelligence and it's clearly been shown to decrease tantrums and outbursts and sibling conflict and aggression and all the things and was looking back through old coaching notes and there was one that said and I'll change names Jason has done a great job at spending time connecting and encouraging Abigail their relationship has grown tremendously they were able to share their hearts and hurts ask for forgiveness each other and agree to work on areas they were

10:31 struggling and then it talks about how she's done a great job identifying her feelings rather than acting on them she's less aggressive and she's doing better in school this is Abigail this is abil and how old was Abigail I think about eight okay yeah so feel and deal just another example of when we start to share our feelings encourage kids do the empathy then what what do you want to do about that and it's just a powerful

10:57 skill to build inid well it's a powerful question behind the development of that skill we got a course coming up soon about the power of questions but this simple question of how do you feel and what do you want to do how do you want to deal with how you feel so it's not my job to do it it's your job to figure it out name it and make a plan and I'm here to help you and that's really powerful

11:16 effective coaching isn't it yeah and it kind of builds wisdom which is what we're going to talk about after our break yep so let's take a break and we'll come right back and talk about developing [Music] [Applause] wisdom hey everybody are you wondering what the connected families framework refrigerator magnet that Jim and Lyn are talking about actually looks like are you interested in using it to help you parent with peace and purpose we'd love to get one in your hands the magnet is

11:47 only $5 and shipping is included you'll find all the information in our show notes or go to our website connected families.org many parents have found that the magnet has been a great quick reference that guides them through heated parenting moments for me it's been a valuable tool that I've used many times and has completely changed the way that I've shown up in hard parenting moments it's really changed so much in my family I just can't recommend it

12:16 enough be sure to check out our show notes or go to connected families.org and get your framework magnet today we're talking about coaching our kids mentoring them in skills wisdom and faith and we touched a little bit ahead of the break about this idea of building wisdom and allowing our kids to experience failure and the natural impacts of their failure as a part of their teaching and coaching let's make sure we don't just rescue our kids from

12:39 the negative Fallout of their poor choices but let them experience the natural what we call the natural impacts of their choices Lynn as it relates to building wisdom again you're coaching parents all the time talk a little bit about what it means to allow a child help them understand and then allow them to experience natural impacts well it's really just about being thoughtful about huh you know what's kind of going on here and what's happening as a result of

13:03 what you did and is that what you were hoping for or were you wanting something a little different and what would you like to do about it and you know just kind of having that relaxed approach to really looking for the nuggets of wisdom that are just little baby things in your child but that can be nurtured and can grow if they're just given an opportunity to think it out you might even for a younger child sort of have

13:26 them draw the different possibilities of their choices is in a certain situation so we're back talking about this idea of you know coaching our kids in the skills wisdom and Faith they're going to need and we kind of got a start on wisdom and this idea of natural impacts what are the natural impacts of forgetting your lunch there's a lot of natural impacts aren't there there's natural impacts that happen when kids mistreat someone whether it's an authority figure or

13:50 sibling there's natural impacts when they leave messes that they're supposed to clean up in order to keep their toys what are the questions that you ask parents or that invite parents to ask their kids to help those kids understand natural impacts better because what parents tend to do is they tend to say you forgot your homework too bad so sad you left a mess you're going to lose your toys you mistreated your sister go to your room and don't come out until

14:13 you can say you're sorry and that doesn't teach wisdom that's just a set of consequences that tell kids that they've got to do something or not to get on with life right so you might even just even say well what happens when you do X Y or Z and the kids will probably go I don't know yeah there's the key but that's the key and then you can get more more concrete well what happens when you leave your

14:33 toys all over the front entry I don't know well what happens to the toys what happens to people's feet and you can get more specific and more concrete till they finally go well I guess my toys get broken and people step on them and their foot gets hurt yeah yeah okay and is that what you want to happen is to have your toys get broken and to hurt people's feet no oh well then what do you want to do about the mess well I

14:55 want to clean it up maybe and if not well then if you're not willing to clean up the mess so that doesn't happen I'll clean up the mess you'll lose the toy and you'll lose another privilege until you're ready to clean up another mess that happens in the house and get on with your life to make things right with the people you're in conflict with right and that's a good example of using questions to build wisdom and we we're

15:13 actually building an online course about questions but sometimes parents best way to build wisdom in kids is sharing their own lives and their own example and we knew a family who had just intense physical violent conflict between their two children and the parents just they shifted I mean it was really a good example of working through the framework in their Foundation they moved away from all the shaming thoughts and beliefs and statements they had either to themselves

15:40 or their kids and they began to connect and enjoy their kids more and then they began to Mentor their kids and just wisdom about relationships and when they' tuck them in at night they'd tell them stories about their own childhood conflicts with their siblings or they might even share a little bit about a spat they had with their spouse that day and the kids were like what you get invits too and just that sense of oh we

16:03 can learn and grow and you know what makes for a good friendship and what doesn't and all that stuff they just began to have these really good conversations with their kids that was a significant piece of being able to turn the ship from so much conflict to much more connection and peace in their home this reminds me of a day long ago when I came home i' had some struggles at work and and particularly with my supervisor

16:27 and I was feeling discouraged and it was the kind of discouragement that I wanted to hide but I knew that I wanted to build wisdom in my kids share my life with them share the struggle of how to deal with stuff like that cuz that's real life and those kinds of things happened to all of us and so I shared my struggle like I was feeling disrespected today I was actually honestly somewhat disrespectful myself today and I'm

16:50 feeling really discouraged and this is with singled digigit aged kids one in particular and I just basically said you know not just as a wisdom building thing but also as a faith building thing which is where we're heading next would you come and sit with me and pray with me about this and I don't even honestly remember if he prayed and if I prayed but you know it was just a simple prayer Lord forgive my attitude help me to do

17:12 better when I'm not treated the way I think I should be give me strength to talk about what I need to talk about and let go of what I need to let go of you know little buddy do you want to pray with me or for me too and maybe there was a prayer and maybe there wasn't but it was you know it was this bridge of I'm going to share my life in a way that

17:27 helps kids know how life work sometimes and then invite them into the faith aspect of that which is the last part of Coach mhm as I've watched parents make changes in their home it seems like the thing that is most significant is when they really sense God's grace and mercy at work in their midst and they help their kids understand that as well and this couple that I was just talking about that had the the two kids that

17:52 were really violent with each other one of the things that that really shifted that momentum was for the family they began to overtly celebrate God's grace and one of the daughters that struggled the most was actually part of this and she brought home a a favorite song of drops in the ocean just about God's grace is like drops in the ocean and they they all made up motions to it together and would dance in the living

18:15 room with it and it was just crazy and that just made a statement of God's grace and mercy is here in our biggest messes real it's not Sunday school it's not sermon it's here right now and maybe you're not a dance and wave your arm family but what are the ways that you can help kids be so aware of God's grace and mercy in our struggles and I sometimes ask parents if you could take the helicopter ride to the top of

18:40 perfect parenting mountain and you are wise and calm all the time and guess what you have wise calm children but you somehow missed helping them understand that God's Mercy is in the midst of your messes how big of a Miss would that be the expression on their faces it's like that's a really big deal so we don't want to overlook the opportunity we have when it all goes Haywire to build a sense of God's grace is right with us to

19:07 say that out loud to even celebrate it and that's incredible Faith formation for our kids yeah and I think too just very pragmatically about how we know of so many families who make a priority of building faith and it's not just about reading devotions every day not that we ought not do that but it's about how do we make that practical how do we celebrate what God is doing maybe not when we're we having devotions but after

19:29 dinner when we've had a meltdown and we've reconciled and do we pray and do we acknowledge God's work in our lives are we opening the Bible on a regular basis even in simple ways so that it informs us it informs our children and again back to that Foundation that we're growing in are we Allowing God to speak to us through his word in ways that we can then make simple and share little by little with our kids as we're learning

19:54 and growing in it so that we build this value in our home of of opening the Bible and you Lynn used to have this phrase you Noti anybody been learning anything from the Bible and so prolific was this practice in Lyn's early days that when one of our sons helped us set up our passwords in the house the password is from the Bible 41516 which is a reference to Hebrews 415 and 16 about how Jesus gets us right and became

20:18 you know talk about pragmatic and real and and ground level faith and that's really what we're working toward here we're not by any stretch suggesting we don't do the regular kinds of curriculum driven things but when we can bring our faith to life in the messes the nitty-gritty bring our journey to our kids in a way that it's real that's when they see that it's real so we've been talking about this principle of coach and if you really think about it it's

20:44 like we can take our example from athletic coaches and life coaches and athletic coaches are thoughtful to plan learning experiences for their team for their kids quote unquote that they need to just really Thrive and life coaches are so thoughtful about the questions that they ask that help kids sort through who am I and what's important to me and what's important in life so this is just a really fun and fulfilling aspect of parenting that we sometimes

21:13 just kind of move right past as we either loving our kids or correct them when they mess up it's just such a valuable part of parenting that draws kids and parents together as they learn the important things in life so you just mentioned correcting and that's where we're headed next session so join us to explore how we might bring this whole framework into the context of correcting kids misbehavior thank you for joining us for this episode of the connected

21:39 families podcast we hope you got Insight that you can use in your parenting today we look forward to next time when Jim and Lind will talk about how to guide kids to take responsibility for their actions and make right what they've made wrong you won't want to miss it for more information about connected families or to pick up your own connected families framework magnan visit connected families.org [Music]