Parenting with Power and Love - Q&A with Stephanie

0:00 I'm thrilled to be here with each and every one of you. with some it's a reunion for some uh uh it's the first time that I get to meet you and I'm really really happy and uh yeah to the happiness is really to see how there are no boundaries right we can get together from different parts of the world and our passion is what unites us and uh you may know I well I'm Italian um I was born and raised in Florence and I have been living in the United States for the last 30 years. So, uh at the moment I am living in Florida, so eastern part of the United States south. So, it's uh it's 8:00 in the morning for me and uh I know that it's the evening for you. So, thank you for making time to be here after what I imagine is a is a long day for for each and every one of you.

1:03 So I would like to share uh some uh um yeah some some thoughts and some practices that have been helpful to me uh in my parenting journey. So as you know NVC is a practice that can apply can be applied to so many different areas of life and I uh met Marshall when at that time I only had two children and now I have three. Um, and my oldest, who is now 28, was four, and my second son was just born. So, he was really a newborn when when we went as a family to a three-day workshop with Marshall Rosenberg. So my my focus has been you know from the beginning um on family life on parenting and to how nour to how to nourish the bond with my children with my spouse and I see parenting as one of the application of NDC that can really support uh social change as Gandhi was saying you know if we want peace in the world we start with the children. So nurturing the next generation um gives me hope that we can shift the yeah the dynamics in the world from domination to partnership and from violence to love.

2:29 So I will be offering some uh um as I said yes some practices and I will be using a PowerPoint that I prepared for this session which uh Kunal and I will share after the session. So just be present. I hope that the you know the slides may support for those of us who are more visual and um you will get the information afterwards. So before I start is there any question that you have about me which would help you relax in this space just to know something about myself very briefly.

3:15 Okay. So I will be going. So as Alo was sharing uh I am also a mindfulness-based stress reduction uh certified teacher and so for me you know it has been a journey of integrating NVC and also uh mindfulness and I do see NVC as you know one way to actually practicing mindfulness.

3:46 So as you may have received in uh in the notice for this in the invitation for this uh workshop uh we will look at how to transform power struggles into meaningful connections. We will look at uh mindful communication strategies for everyday life and explore in inclusive and nurturing approaches to parenting and cultivate compassionate family dynamics. Of course, it's a lot for you know a 3540 minutes uh session and at the same because we also want to keep space for Q&A and you know more information about the program uh that will happen in January the foundation program and at the same time I tried to really um address the core of uh these topics and so I would like to start with asking all of you what are some of your needs and values. So what is most important to you in your life and uh what are your learn long-term hopes for your children if you are a parent or you know if you are a teacher for instance what are your long-term hopes for the children you work with any kind of relationship with children and I would love to hear you know either very briefly open your mic or if you want to put it uh in the chat What is meaningful? What drives your life? And what is meaningful in your relationship with children? Any children you may have in in your lives. So, nephews and nieces, grandchildren, neighboring children.

5:32 Okay. Freedom, integrity, joy, respect, resilience. Thank you. Deepak is writing. Faith and nurturing, trust, safety, play a partner. Uh, okay. Raising good humans. Yes. My need, freedom, connection, contribution, freedom, justice, and empathy. give children enough emotional nourishment to minimize any traumas.

6:05 Thank you Annie for sharing that. Yes. Yes. There is so much happening in our world that uh impacts all of us in terms of traumatic experiences. What is meaningful in life is growth for the children, peace, safety and joy. Yeah. Self-exression and acceptance. And with self-expression, how many of us have been raised with this idea that children need to be seen and not heard, right? I see we do. Yeah, I see some people nodding. So, so how to support our children in expressing themselves fully while also guiding them in life, of course. Connection and freedom and choice, empathy, compassion, self-love, non-judgment, connection, openness to share. Yes.

6:55 to sit with them as they fail and watch them grow. Thank you, Puja. Yes. So, whatever we may define as failure, just being there, present for them and with them, right? Love, trust, connection, respect, compassion, respect, welladjusted human beings, right? Discover themselves. Yes. Brave, kindness, love, care, freedom, exploration. Yeah, connection and respect, curiosity, learning.

7:30 Yes, thank you so much for all these sharings and I see some of the needs get you know uh reiterated. Yeah. Security Pal is writing. Yes. Okay. My vision for my daughter is that she can be herself. Yes. And how many of us again struggle between really being ourselves and ensuring belonging in the spaces that we are part of, right? And how many times we actually uh experience that as either or either I am myself or I belong. And so how to raise our children in a way that belonging is ensured and uh authenticity is uh treasured and u celebrated.

8:21 >> Yeah. Thank you. Thank you all for sharing. And so of course in you know in this way we touch the core of uh our humanity. So what in NDC we define needs really the the deep longings of our heart and at the same time when you know we engage with with children uh we at least I know in my journey and in supporting so many parents over the years and professionals who work with children we also experience so many challenging uh moments and challenging emotions. So um Kunal and I prepared a poll for you to respond to three questions. So Kunal if you would be willing to start with the first >> you'll see the quiz or poll on your screen.

9:22 So let's take a moment to respond and it will be anonymous. Answers are still coming in. [clears throat] Okay, we have answers from 25% people.

10:23 I'm going to end poll in 10 seconds. >> Thank you, Kuna. You can see the result on your screen. >> Mhm. Yeah. So, it's a Yeah. anger and frustration on a daily basis. 51% 40 uh 49 said no. So, that is a big celebration. It's almost half. Uh guilt at least once a big. That seems to be a big one. Yes. 68% and 63% feelings of inadequacy, a sense of there is something wrong with me and some shame and of course when we have experiences uh with those uh difficult emotions, you know, that disempowers us, right? So um it is important to learn how to approach those difficult emotions and those difficult moments with some grace and and we see uh in my journey and again in you know witnessing the journey of of many many parents and professionals who work with children has been of finding having ways to recognize those difficult emotions and those difficult experiences and be with them, learn how to be with them and in being with them we can start to transform them.

11:58 So one important piece for me in uh learning about how to be also in the difficult moments of life um is to remind myself of what are some of um the childhood needs. Of course needs are universal. So we all have the same needs as adults or children and at the same time particular needs are particular particularly relevant for our uh little ones because their brains are developing and they are learning about themselves the world and relationship.

12:40 So there are particular needs that are, you know, are important for me as the adult to track when I'm relating to children. And one quick way for me to remind myself of those uh core needs um is an acronym that I learned by a psychiatrist, a US psychiatrist, Dr. Daniel Seagull. And he speaks about the four S's. So s like in Stephanie uh of childhood. And so he speaks that he says that you know particularly children need to be safe to feel safe to feel secure.

13:22 So physically safe, emotionally secure and psychologically secure and to be soothed when they experience difficult emotion and to be seen. And so we know that, you know, NVC can offer us ways to be present with our children and convey to them that they are safe, secure, seen, and soothed. So in NBC, we focus our intention and our attention on prioritizing trust in the relationship. So regardless whether we are talking about children or you know between adults, right? but prioritizing trust in the relationship and one of the principles is to hold everyone's needs with care. So not just you know uh them the needs of adults at the expense of the needs of children or vice versa to prioritize the children to avoid you know being uh in in a power over mode but then letting go of our needs and to focus on connection, authenticity and compassion and learn how to share power. And this is you know very challenging because we don't have enough models in our lives. So what does it mean to be in power with so spending you know five days together in a training supports us in together exploring what does that mean and how does that how can we manifest power with in relationship and then of course in tapping into the joy of giving from the heart. So contributing to one another is a human need that we all have our children included. So our children also want to support you know adults uh parents their adults in their lives teachers when they have a sense that their needs matter too.

15:21 So for those of us who are already familiar with the the practice of NVC, we know that basically NVC has three core practices to support this connection whether with ourselves or with others. And those practices are self-mpathy. So looking at you know with compassion at our own experience and particularly what we are feeling and needing and then empathy. So receiving with curiosity the experience of another person and really uh engaging with their feelings and needs regardless of how they express themselves. And so a child could have what we label, you know, as a temper tantrum and really with curiosity see okay what is what is the child needing right now right beyond the behavior. So seeing the behavior as a communication and then express ourselves honestly you know when we see that we reach a limit for example or when there is something that deeply matter matters to us that we want to share. So right now I would like to um to share a practice that I have learned from you know my mindfulness trainings but that I have also seen shared um by other NBC trainers. So um yeah I would like to um to offer that to you as you know one of the possible takeaways for for you for this uh for this time together and this is the practice of stop. So using the word stop as an acronym for reminding ourselves of taking moments particularly when we are experiencing a challenge. But usually it is helpful you know to practice in non-challenging moments to then have you know uh a the the narrow paths to actually retrieve the practice in a challenging moment.

17:32 So the S stands for stop what you're doing. So when you notice that a situation becomes challenging for instance, take a moment and stop. And we can al all now take a moment and stop right here and now. And then the T stands for take a few mindful breaths. We are always breathing, right? But mindfully bringing attention to the breathing.

18:05 So noticing the breath going in and going out with no need to controlling it. Just noticing the natural flow of breath. And then observe body sensations, feelings, thoughts and needs that may be present. So we can you know if we are in a moment of challenge we can notice uh our shoulders getting tense or the tightening of the stomach the jaw also clenching whatever body sensation may be present and then look at what feelings and what needs are present and uh if you want to engage in this practice you know also if you go on the CNBC website you can find lists of feelings and needs.

18:54 And for me, it's also important to just acknowledge my thinking. What am I thinking? Maybe I'm thinking, you know, that that this is impossible. I can't handle it or whatever it is. Just noticing the thoughts. No, no, knowing that they are thoughts and they may not be the truth. And then the P is for proceeding. for proceeding and again in uh the NVC practice you know the proceeding would be do I want to empathize with my child right now or do I want to express but so the stop is one way of practicing self-mpathy so I want to pause for a moment and maybe just with a show of hand see how many of you were already familiar with this practice is omesh I see your hand okay if I'm pronouncing your name correctly okay V Christopher okay so some all right we've great thank you yeah so just revisiting for some of us and uh just learning a new practice if it's meaningful for you to yeah just uh try it out try it out and as I said try it out in nonstressful moments to then learn and so that the brain gets into the habit before you know uh being asked to retrieve it in in challenging moment. And you know the the stop can also then uh be a moment where we can ask ourselves what would be the most compassionate thing that I can do right now for myself.

20:41 It could be just taking a pause and taking a sip or a bathroom break whatever it is you know to bring ourselves back to presence or another question could be if we have enough presence and enough self-regulation how can I what is the most compassionate thing I can do for my child so those two questions can also support us in understanding okay how is it that I want to proceed And I want to pause for a moment because I see two new things in the chat. Two new um entries.

21:23 Yes. Checking request for connection or action. Thank you Deepak. Exactly. Yes. Yes. And the more challenging the situation is and the less trust there is this in the in the relationship, the more starting with connection request can support the relationship. Yes, thank you for that. So any questions so far?

21:55 any comments that you would like to briefly bring forth because then I would really like to you know give you some possible proceed. Okay. Uh okay. Ground myself first cause no harm. Thank you. Yes. The causing no harm for me is has been yeah uh you know it's it's in nonviolence right? So reducing yes harm and I say reduce because I also have the aspiration of causing no harm and the reality I I am connected to and my perceptions are that you know there is yeah I I it's hard not to harm also because you know we are so interconnected every action has so many impacts Right. So my intention is of not harming and the impacts can be of harming without you know awareness or we are just taken into a a web you know like I'm going grocery shopping and I may buy you know apples uh that have been treated you know if I don't have access or the means for organic food.

23:17 I'm just giving an example that are treated with pesticides that uh you know have negative impacts on bees. So it's I'm I'm just say saying how interconnected we are and how challenging it is to create no harm and at the same time keeping that aspiration. Ah thank you. I lost the four S's. Yes. Seen soothed secure and safe. Yes. Thank you for um recapturing and you will get to the slide but yes the scene was not in the slide. Yes. Yes. The practice of stop before actually feeling stressed.

23:59 Exactly. Yes. Yes. So one of my first teacher in Balkashan who uh you know was very much uh focusing on NBC and parenting and who died a few uh years ago. She taught me to just put a a timer on my watch on a you know every hour or so of the day to just pause and check in with myself. How am how am I feeling? What am I feeling and how what am I needing? So you know building in some ways to learn how to check in with myself.

24:32 So you can build in also or maybe you when you have a task that you know is kind of routine washing dishes or you know whatever it is uh or you are you know waiting at the red stop at the you know at the stop or a red uh light just checking in with yourself what am I feeling what am I needing so using those moments for self-connection and now I would like to give you also some possible um ways to address challenging moments.

25:10 Okay? And so to address the proceed and I'm giving you some sentences that have been helpful to me and again helpful to parents and teachers and professionals who work with children and you definitely you know you will find if you haven't already find your ways of addressing that. But so one way to proceed to increase you know your self-regulation which basically it's it's a it's a word that means you know a that your brain is back in a state of balance and the more we are balanced the more we can contribute to our children's brain returning to balance when disregulated. or when out of balance is to to recognize when it is becoming challenging for us and naming that. So a sentence like oh my I'm starting to feel flooded right like there are so many emotions coming up. So just naming that it has been shown scientifically that naming feelings actually you know uh brings back some regulation in the brain. So just acknowledging that I'm starting to feel flooded. Can we take a pause? Saying that to a child can be meaningful because it's also modeling.

26:30 They learn that, right? Give me a moment. I'll be back. And you go and take a sip of water. Whatever it is to take a mini break. Okay. If you can, of course, if it's, you know, a situation where uh there is um yeah, maybe two children fighting and you want to make sure that everybody is safe, that is not the way to go, you know, but depending on the moments, you know, just taking a moment for yourself.

26:59 Let's take let's take a break. So together you choose to take a moment and it could be staying together but taking a breath together or you know building three blocks together in silence whatever it is. Can I have a kiss? Can I you know can I have a hug? So contact can bring regulation into the brain. Again those are just ideas for you to play with and adapt to your life and your situation. A second way to proceed is actually taking responsibility for our part. So when there is a challenge, it's never one-sided, right? We have always contributed in some way. So taking responsibility for our part, I want to take that back. So maybe I said something and I'm I'm I just regret it.

27:49 So I want to acknowledge that as well. I I really regret. Let me try again. I really value. And so you share what's important to you. I can see my part in all of this. So again taking responsibility how can I make things better. So one way in which you know we step as step out of the the blaming game which usually it's always you know the brain goes out to to uh yeah to assign blame and this is just how you know the brain works and how we have also then been conditioned through socialization to find blame outside. It's it's the child, it's the the parent, uh it's you know the situation, it's the world. So how can I come back into my power and take responsibility for my part?

28:48 And another part another way is appreciation which is really important to contribute again to nourishing the relationship. And so even in a moment of challenge, we can find something to appreciate, something that we agree upon, you know, we are both saying uh or one I admire in you. I really enjoy your point of view about this. I agree with part of what you are saying.

29:19 I never thought of things this way. And so this can be an enriching moment for us, right? Or I'm thankful for. So I'm not minimizing the challenge. The challenge is still there. But because you know the brain and it's called the negative bias of the brain if you want the scientific term but you know the brain is um is so geared to looking at what doesn't work to consciously bring awareness to what actually works and bringing appreciation to that can rebalance our brain and our children's brains.

29:57 So I said a lot and want to pause here and again check um if there are questions or comments we have a few more minutes together and then I will pass it to Kunal again. How is this all landing for you?

30:27 still processing. Yes, very clear. Thank you. Okay. I'm glad it's okay. Okay. Very useful. Very okay. Efficient. Sounds good. Would you seek more? Would you Okay. More on the appreciation part. Absolutely. Yes. Yes. So you know many times and then I I'll come to you uh Rei u many times we we look at what doesn't work right and so I know that you know now it's very playful but you know um when I say to my daughter desire I I would like to speak about something so she's playful with that but she says and she's 20 now so she has been raised with NBC busy what did I do mom so often time we addressed our children when something doesn't work do we tell them when they are contributing to our needs so you know it's like u filling up the bucket the emotional bucket the heart and the relationship and so when we do that more and more then we can also learn to do that in the midst of a struggle um and so that can be really helpful because it it rebalances because it's never all negative or all bad, right?

31:55 And I'm using those terms in quotations, right? So, can we find something to celebrate even in the midst of a challenge because that the relationship are so important, right? Okay. I'm reading yes the many comments here and Rei I want to come to you. Yes, >> thank you so much. Um I was just wondering after all that you said uh that we notice in a lot of people there's a lot of generational um ingrained behaviors, right? Which could be disregulated emotions or even just um tendencies to become violent. A lot of these do fall under intergenerationally passed on behaviors.

32:50 Uh and I'm wondering in those kind of situations um of course there's one aspect of how all of this is easier said than done but how do we you know address or help such people become more self-aware in such situations? >> Yeah, thank you. Yes. So I'm hearing the desire to contribute to raising awareness of you know how we have been conditioned and how this conditioning many times is life alienating if we want to stay with the uh key differentiation of life life alienated and life connected and for me you know uh part of contributing to a transformation and so a societal transformation starts with me. So first of all see where is it that the conditioning lives in me. These uh you know domination systems live in me.

33:43 And so um again the parenting journey is a very fertile ground to see that more and more because in all intimate relationship reactivity can arise very quickly and reactivity is also linked to you know how we have been conditioned. It's it's how the brain reacts to stress but then there is also the conditioning. So it it starts for you know with transforming myself and then uh really bringing awareness and power with and care for the relationship in in my world and then slowly slowly again with empathy and self-expression because those are the practices also you know uh engage in conversation when it's when it's doable with uh with somebody uh whom we we want to uh enter in a conversation in dialogue to possibly contribute to raising awareness. But of course conditioning is not changed overnight. It's you know it we are carrying hundreds of years of conditioning and so it it it doesn't happen uh uh quickly and so having patience with ourselves and with others and so that is why for me it's so important that you know we learn and we also practice to in togetherness and so whenever there are there are opportunities to create community like at this you know five days foundation training. So we are together and so we things will arise and so how do we address those challenges and when we are in the midst of it and we find new ways of transforming challenges into dilemmas conflicts into dilemas so something that we carry together then we can bring that out into the world.

35:44 There is much more really that I could share and I also noticed that in the chat there were specific questions about for instance yeah phone and and and study time and all of that and uh yeah in in the you know time constraints of this workshop it's difficult to address all those uh applications and my hope is that together if we are together in uh at the foundation training in January we will have the time to really explore. So this is is just an overview but how do we practice? How do we bring this awareness and there is one more slide I would like to share. Kunal can I take one more minute? Okay thank you for that. So yeah.

36:44 Okay. So I want to close with this uh quote by Dr. Daniel Seagull uh the the doctor that I already um named for the fours of uh children's needs. So to be seen, soothe uh safe and secure. It's not an exaggeration to say that the kind of relationship you provide to your children will affect generations to come. So this comes from a brain scientist. So in really uh integrating this consciousness and in manifesting up manifesting it in our relationship can really contribute it to social change and to a world where we have less and less of this you know life alienating conditioning and more and more of life connection. So thank you for your presence and I pass it back to Kunal.

37:45 >> Thank you Stephanie. I really uh like how you integrated like this is an internal journey and it should start with oneself and even to do that we need a community. We need we need a a group of people to work with and that's that's where I would like to invite all of you all of you to come and join Stephanie and uh three other trainers Stfan from Germany Vega from Korea and uh Manetsi from India in this 5-day retreat which we are organizing it's called foundation training in nonviolent communication I see you guys have more questions on the uh chat so the session is not over yet.

38:28 We'll come back to all the questions. Uh but before we go to the question, I just want to invite you. The purpose for this webinar is to uh you know explore the possibility of coming together in a retreat format in in-person retreat format. Not just zoom 1 hour but like a full 5 days of coming together and creating a space where we can you know ask these questions explore about it and you know support each other because this journey is not meant to be walked alone.

38:59 This is journey where we co-create things together and learn from each other. So this is an invitation and uh uh yeah I have something to share with you all about how is this 5day foundation training going to look like. This is the first foundation training by center for nonviolent communication. Uh we used to have 9-day trainings then we realized that in the busy life of uh 21st century it's so difficult to get out for 9 days. So we have reduced it for 5 days. Uh and I have a video to share with all of you. So bear with me for a moment.

39:44 This was just a ch sound check. Were you able to hear the sound? >> Okay. [laughter] >> Yes. >> Yes, I was. >> We might going to have a lot of music in the retreat. So, yeah, you can expect that. But this is the main video which I want all of you all of you to see and uh yeah, enjoy probably. [music] Every heart carries stories. Some spoken, some silent. Most of [music] us were taught to talk, not to truly listen. We learn to hold things in, to smile through our pain. [music] Forgetting what it feels like to be fully seen. That's why we gather to create spaces where it's safe to speak, safe to listen, and safe to just be. And for nearly three decades, I've been [music] walking alongside parents and uh child focused professionals, helping them understand [music] better themselves and find more calm in the cows of life through the practices of [music] nonviolent communication.

40:53 It's remembering what it means to be human together, where conversations [music] heal, presence nourishes, and love becomes action. I'm going to offer ways to meet our [music] uncomfortable emotions, understand them, and turning them into alleys in our path. In a world full of noise and disconnection, we come together to slow down. My offerings will have a particular focus on nonviolent communication in the workplace, leadership, collaboration with teams and also holding difficult conversations.

41:32 >> In Kerala, a land [music] of timeless beauty and quiet transformation. The earth itself invites [music] us home to what truly matters. I support people to transform their relationships with themselves and with each other, whether it's [music] at home or at work or in their communities, one conversation at a time. Join us for the foundation training retreat, a space we co-create together where it's safe to learn, safe to feel, and safe to simply be.