Episode Summary 04: Reparenting Yourself: Break Your Family's Trauma Cycle

0:00 [Music] Hello and welcome to the Your Parenting Mojo podcast. Today I want to share something with you that might sound a little bit strange at first. It's a magic trick. Yes, a real magic trick, but this is not the kind where someone pulls a rabbit out of a hat because this one can actually make your parenting struggles seem way less overwhelming. And this technique is also a really powerful form of reparing yourself, which means giving yourself the patience and understanding that you may not have received as a child. When you learn to use this magic trick, you're not just changing how you respond to difficult moments with your kids. You're also healing old wounds and breaking cycles that may have been passed down through many generations.

0:50 I'm going to share this really simple but powerful technique with you in just a few minutes. But first, I want to tell you about the kinds of situations in which it helps because I'm pretty sure you've been in some of them. There's something that many of us can relate to. That voice in our heads that's constantly judging us. And this is what we call the inner critic. It's that relentless voice that makes parenting seem so much harder than it needs to be.

1:13 Understanding where the inner critic comes from and learning to identify it is the first step toward freeing ourselves from its grip. These inner critic examples show up everywhere in our parenting. So when our partner seems frustrated, it whispers, "I've done something wrong again." When your child has a meltdown in the grocery store, it knows everyone thinks you're a bad parent. And when your child talks back, it insists, "You're raising a disrespectful child." When you lose your patience and you yell, your inner critic shouts, "You are damaging your child forever." And when other parents seem to have it all together and we don't, it compares us with them and says, "They are better parents than you will ever be."

1:56 Understanding where that inner critic comes from is crucial for healing. The voice does not appear out of nowhere. It's often an internalized version of the critical voices we heard growing up. So maybe you had a parent who constantly pointed out what you were doing wrong. Maybe you grew up in a household where mistakes were not tolerated. Maybe you learned early on that love was conditional on being good. When we think about what is childhood trauma, most people focus only on the big obvious things like physical abuse or neglect.

2:28 But you may have experienced a form of trauma during any kind of experience that left you unable to safely be your authentic self. You might have had a parent who couldn't handle your big feelings. Maybe you grew up in a household where you had to be the easy child because there was already too much chaos. Or perhaps you learned that your own needs didn't matter as much as keeping the peace. I also work with parents whose own parents really did the best that they could. They praised their kids for trying hard even if they didn't get the best grade because that's what we're supposed to do, right? We're supposed to praise effort. But sometimes that can end up with parents who now struggle with incredibly difficult perfectionism because after all they could always have tried a little bit harder, right? They could have tried harder in school with their kids. Now anytime their child answers back, they see it as evidence that they aren't trying hard enough as parents.

3:20 And these experiences become trauma from our own parents that we carry into our parenting. And that shows up in our inner critic voices. When we have unresolved trauma and parenting stress today, that critical voice becomes louder and more vicious. So understanding how trauma affects parenting helps us to reparent ourselves so we can break the pattern instead of passing it on to our kids. So how can we identify this inner critic and separate it from what's actually happening? What triggers our inner critic? There are four patterns to look out for. First, notice thoughts that use absolute language. Words like always, never, terrible, awful, ruined, red flags. Real life is not usually that black and white. Secondly, pay attention to thoughts that make sweeping judgments about your character. I'm a bad parent versus I made a mistake. The first is a judgment about who you are. The other is about what you did. Judgments about who you are are your inner critic in action.

4:22 Acknowledging your mistakes is helpful and it tells you what what you might want to do differently next time. Third, notice when your thoughts jump to catastrophic conclusions. One moment of losing your patience does not mean you've damaged your child forever. And your child is not necessarily doomed if they don't learn up how to tidy up after themselves or follow through on something they said they do or finish their homework every time. When we catch ourselves catastrophizing about the awful things that will happen 10 steps ahead if we don't fix this thing right now, we can be pretty sure our inner critic is speaking up. And then fourth, watch for thoughts that sound like voices from your past. If your own inner critic sounds suspiciously like your critical parent, then that is a clue about where it might have come from. The thing is, these thoughts can seem so real and so true, but they're not facts.

5:10 They are stories our minds tell us, which are often based on old wounds and unresolved pain. So, this is the magic trick that can interrupt that cycle. It's surprisingly simple, but incredibly powerful. You don't have to believe everything you think. Now, I know that might sound weird because in our culture, we're taught that our thoughts are reality. If we think something, that is how it is. But what if that's not actually true? And what if understanding that could make parenting so much easier? Instead of me explaining how it works, let me show you. So, close your eyes for a minute if you can. Obviously, don't do this if you're driving. And please bring to mind something you've had a hard time with recently related to one of your kids. Don't pick the hardest thing in the world while you're still learning this, but something that was big enough to be activating in a difficult moment.

6:02 Remember what your child said or did, what you said or did, and how the situation escalated. And now think about the bigger meaning of that incident. What will it mean for your child's future if you don't address this? What does it mean about you as a parent right now? And just notice what's happening in your body at the moment. Are your shoulders tense? Is your jaw clenched? Are you breathing more shallowly?

6:40 This physical tension is a sign that you're caught up in that story. And now I'd like you to try something different. I'd like you to repeat what you just said and add the words I'm thinking that before it. So instead of I'm a terrible parent, you're going to think I'm thinking that I'm a terrible parent. Instead of my child doesn't respect me, you'll try I'm thinking that my child doesn't respect me.

7:12 Instead of I've ruined my kids forever, you'll think I'm thinking that I've ruined my kids forever. And do you notice something different? Many parents find that just adding those few words, I'm thinking that creates a little bit of space. It's like taking a step back from your thoughts instead of being completely caught up in them. And this simple phrase can help you overcome negative selft talk by creating that distance between you and your thoughts.

7:43 You're not dismissing the thoughts or pretending they don't exist. You're just recognizing them as thoughts rather than as absolute truths. and just check in with your body. Again, most people notice that they're a little bit more relaxed. There's a little bit more space, a little bit more breathing room. So, that's the magic trick in action. I want to share an example from a parent who has used this tool in a real situation. So, Amy, a parent I work with, shared an intense example. She described a moment when she completely lost it with her kids. She was postpartum, sleepd deprived. Her older daughter had just hit her younger sibling, and Amy found herself pulling them apart roughly and yelling, "Why did you do that?" And as she did it, she saw the terror in her daughter's eyes, and the thoughts that followed were brutal.

8:33 She told me she was thinking, "I damaged her for life. I'm a terrible mother. I'm just repeating the cycle of how I was raised." And these are classic examples of how parental trauma gets triggered when we're stressed and overwhelmed. Amy's background helps to explain why this situation was so triggering. She'd grown up in what looked from the outside like a loving family, but behind closed doors, it was often volatile and scary. And she learned early on that when she had big feelings or intense reactions, she would be told her needs were too much. She was too intense. She should just simmer down. Now, Amy learned to create this outward appearance of having everything together. She became a straight A student. She was a great athlete. People thought she had her stuff together, but inside she was learning to ignore her own needs because she'd been told over and over that she was too much, too intense, and started to question whether she even had needs at all. So, when her own children had big feelings or conflicts, it triggered all that old fear and pain and brought back memories of being scared by her parents' explosive feelings. those moments when the people that she looked to for safety were the ones causing the fear. And this is where reparenting work becomes so powerful. When Amy was in that moment, seeing terror in her daughter's eyes after she'd yelled, her inner critic was firstly telling her kids should behave, which is why she pulled them apart. And then it reminded her of how she wants to do things differently, and she's messing that up, too. But reparing means becoming the caring parent to yourself that you wished you had had. So instead of letting that critical voice take over, Amy learned to ask herself, "What do I need right now? What would I say to a close friend who just had that same experience?" And the answer was not more criticism. It was understanding. It was recognizing that she was overwhelmed, postpartum, and sleepd deprived. It was acknowledging that her reaction made sense given her own childhood experiences, even though she wanted to do things differently.

10:38 When she learned to add, "I'm thinking that" before these statements, she could respond differently. She could see these are thoughts, not facts. They're stories her mind was telling based on her own childhood experiences, not the absolute truth about the present moment. I'm thinking that I've damaged them for life. I'm thinking that I'm a terrible mother. I'm thinking that I'm just repeating my parents' mistakes. This shift didn't create a massive change overnight, but it gave her space to make different choices. So, instead of staying stuck in shame and self- attack, she could acknowledge she'd had a really hard moment and think about how to repair and reconnect with her children. Amy described another situation that shows how this worked.

11:22 She came down with stairs one morning barefoot holding her baby. Bottom of the stairs, she steps in a blob of oatmeal. Her immediate reaction was intense. fist balling up, shoulders tensing, heart beating super fast, and her first thought that came up was something she'd heard constantly growing up. Look at that. More work for mom. But now Amy could slow down the experience. As she described it to me, part of this kind of change and transformation is it's not sudden. And I yes, I'm stepping in oatmeal cuz it still bothers me. Just being able to come and slow down the whole experience.

11:58 We hit the slow-mo button. She could say to herself, "I'm thinking that the kids are plotting against me to make messes when I want them to clean up." And realize this is a thought, not the truth. Then she realizes she's feeling cold and clammy cuz she had worked out but hadn't eaten or had any water yet. She can see her body's having a reaction to the sensory experience. And from there, she can choose an appropriate response rather than having an explosive reaction. Amy also noticed she would so easily slip into what she calls the role of the resentful mother.

12:30 She remembers a time when everybody's wailing. Nobody's fed me. It's 2:00 in the afternoon and I haven't eaten today because nobody's made any food for me. But she could step back and see people had offered to make her food. And she could ask her children for help while still letting them be children and not parentifying them. When we're completely caught up in our thoughts, when we believe them 100%, we can only see one version of reality. the version where our child is being defiant, where our partner doesn't appreciate us, where we're failing as parents. But when we can step back and see these as thoughts rather than facts, suddenly other possibilities open up. Maybe your child isn't being defiant. Maybe they're overwhelmed and don't know how to express it. Maybe your partner does appreciate you, but they're stressed about something else entirely. Maybe you're not a terrible parent. Maybe you're a human being having a hard day while trying to break generational cycles.

13:26 When you can see these other possibilities, you can respond differently. And instead of reacting from a place of anger or hurt, you can respond from curiosity. Instead of assuming the worst, you can look for what might actually be going on. This shift from they're doing this to me to they're having a hard time and need help is how we break that generational cycle. Instead of reacting from our own childhood wounds, we can respond to what's actually happening right now. Amy described how learning this skill helped her to see that when her kids were fighting, it was not a personal attack on her. They weren't scheming to make her life difficult.

14:03 They were just kids who didn't have the skills to handle big feelings. And she could offer herself a moment of care and affection that she wished she had had when she was a child. And this is what reparenting yourself looks like in action. What What does reparing actually mean? It means becoming the caring, curious parent to yourself that you wish you had had instead of repeating the harsh critical voice that you learned as a child. How to reparent yourself starts with the simple practice of questioning your thoughts when you notice self-critical thoughts. Try responding to yourself the way you would to a dear friend or your own child.

14:43 Instead of, "I'm such an idiot for losing my temper," you might try, "I'm having a really hard time right now, and it makes sense that I'm struggling. Let me take a moment and hold myself with the care that I wish my parent had held me when I was young, so I can then do that for my child." This is such a powerful reparing exercise you can do anytime you notice your inner critic taking over. The ripple effects are so profound. When Amy learned to pause and to check her own thoughts, her whole family started developing these skills.

15:13 Her children began solving their own conflicts instead of just reacting to each other. They learned to ask, "What might my brother be trying to communicate right now?" Instead of just assuming he was trying to annoy them, this is how we start healing the wounds we carry from our own childhoods. This approach uses tools like the magic trick to create space between our triggered reactions and our conscious responses. When we learn these skills, we can parent in a way that heals both ourselves and our children. What makes this magic trick so powerful is that it is actually a reparing tool. Every time you use I'm thinking that and follow that with some grace and some self-compassion because you're having a hard time, you're practicing giving yourself the patience and understanding that maybe you didn't receive as a child. You're learning to be curious about your experience instead of immediately judging it. You're creating space for yourself to be human, to have difficult thoughts and big reactions while still choosing how you want to respond.

16:13 So, let's recap that five-step process you can use yourself next time you find yourself in a difficult situation. Step one, notice the story. Start paying attention to when you're telling yourself stories about other people's behavior. Usually involve assumptions about motives. They did this because or they always or they never. Pay special attention to thoughts that trigger strong emotional reactions. If you notice your body getting tense, your heart rate rising, heat rising, that's a sign you're caught up in a story. Step two, you're going to add the magic words. Uh, try adding I'm thinking that or I'm having the thought that before these statements. It might sound silly at first, but stick with it. Instead of my child is defiant, I'm thinking my child is being defiant. Instead of my partner doesn't care about what I need, I'm having the thought that my partner doesn't care about what I need.

17:02 Step three, get curious. Once you've created that little bit of space, get curious. What else might be true? What other explanations are possible? What would you say to a dear friend in this situation? You can ask yourself, what might my child be trying to communicate? What might be going on for my partner right now? What do I actually know for certain versus what I'm assuming? Step four, check your body. Notice the physical difference. When you're caught up in your thoughts, you'll notice it in your body. That tension, the shallow breathing, the heat. When you step back from them, you'll usually notice your body relax a bit. That body awareness is crucial because it helps you catch those thought patterns earlier before you're completely flooded with emotion.

17:46 Step five, practice self-compassion. Remember, learning these skills is part of how you reparent yourself. You're giving yourself the patience and understanding that you didn't receive as a child. Remember, learning to question your thoughts and offer yourself compassion is reparing work in action. Because many of us grew up learning we had to be perfect to be worthy of love. We learned that mistakes meant something was wrong with us as people. And reparing means giving yourself what your parents couldn't give you. They couldn't handle your big feelings. They needed you to be the easy child or they only showed approval when you performed. And now you get to be different with yourself.

18:28 When you notice you're caught up in old patterns, you can respond to yourself the way you would to your own child having a hard day when you're regulated. And you can also acknowledge you're doing your best while also learning new skills. When you notice you've gotten caught up in old patterns, don't add self-criticism on top of it. So instead, try I'm thinking that I should have done better and then offer yourself the same compassion you would give a friend. We have a printable one-page infographic on the page for this episode that will help you to remember the steps for these. If you need help, just go to your parentingmojo.com episodes and search for reparing magic trick to find it. So, there you have it.

19:10 The magic trick that can change so much. It's not complicated, but it's not always easy either. Like any skill, it takes practice. Start small. Next time you notice yourself getting worked up about something your child or partner did, try adding, "I'm thinking that before" before your interpretation of their behavior and see what happens. Remember, you don't have to believe the things you think. Your thoughts are real, but they are not necessarily true. And in that small distinction lies enormous freedom. You have the freedom to respond instead of react. The freedom to stay connected to your values even in difficult moments. And the freedom to model for your children what it looks like to be human, to have big feelings and difficult thoughts while still choosing how to show up in the world.

19:55 The freedom to break generational parenting patterns and create something new for your family. Because this is what conscious parenting looks like. Parenting that includes tools to repair and reconnect when we do make mistakes. That's the real magic. [Music]