Jagriti66 - #6 Behaviour (Respect) - 13 Feb 2026

3:27 Hello. Good evening. >> Good evening. Okay, let's uh let's kind of dive in straight away. Um I I want to just buy a couple of minutes to let other people also join in uh by asking the ones who are here uh a simple question. Who's whose behavior do we want to work on?

4:04 Yeah. Please uh >> I would like to work on my behavior. >> Yeah. Type in the chat so that it stays there. No, you can you can come on the mic also. I'm just joking. >> Sure. >> Even on my it is getting recorded. Okay. Lana saying my SA saying mine. Wanda saying my people who are joining now we ask the question whose behavior do we work on? is saying everybody working on self.

4:47 >> Sorry, can you please repeat the question? >> Okay, the question is whose behavior do we want to work on? Okay, or let us let's put it this way. Whose behavior do we want to um work on and whose behavior do we want to understand okay is seeing our seeing ours then there is no need of this session Everybody just start working on your behavior.

5:35 Okay. Really? Well is saying everyone around us. Oh god. Then you have too much work. You must be very busy man. We have to work on everybody's behavior. Okay. Okay. Fair enough. Um well we have a very low turnout today. What's the is it like people are out for for the Friday evening or is it the topic is no more interesting okay now that we are you know above all these behaviors into feelings and images and beliefs then why bother about behavioral is saying mine I want to work on and understand childs okay you you know the pali so if you want to uh you know just get the session in one statement just do the session in one statement and not bother about two hours uh I can say mine I want to work on by understanding um my behavior because when I understand my behavior I understand the child's behavior I don't know if that makes sense the more I understand my behavior understand I'm only talking about understanding not judging not feeling good bad ugly about it but just understanding my behavior I'll automatically understand child's behavior does that make sense no >> hi I just joined may I know the question >> okay the question was whose behavior do you want to work on >> okay >> and uh And there's an overwhelming response on mind mind now I'm under pressure even I have to work on my behavior. I thought everybody will say child child and I'll be ah child behavior work.

7:42 Okay. Okay. So let's start with a small video clip um and um and see what So there are two two uh there are three people in this video and uh behavior of so what two are adults and one is the child and I would like you to just look at the two two adults since you said mind mind I'm assuming you're talking about so-called adults. So uh forget the child in this video in the sense you just see but you don't really observe observe the child really observe the two parents and and then see what is it that we can we can learn from you know this clip yeah let's watchama Go ahead. Go ahead. Let's go.

9:09 I need to clean that up. You have to go to school. Say hi. >> Okay. Hey, more people on videos. Come on, behave better in the sessions. Come on, videos. Ah, this is much better. I I like to see faces, please. Uh, I don't know about others, but I love seeing your wonderful faces and and then I feel like interacting with you all.

9:43 Okay. So you all saw the clip I am assuming and understood it to even if you couldn't follow Hindi there were some subtitles. So as my question was um there are obviously two adults in this one you can see one you can't see but there are two adults in this situation and uh you heard both the adults saw in the in a way both the adults. Uh so when you hold both of them in front of you, what is it that you learn from this clip or what is it that is your thought process um with respect to these two adults and their behaviors?

10:21 So specifically you're talking about their behaviors. We're not talking about the child and child's behavior that my child also don't forget the child. Yeah, please come on mic share. >> So, um what I saw was one parent was obviously enjoying the humor of the situation and taking it in a light-hearted manner whereas uh the other the mother was uh really stressed about the situation and trying to rectify.

10:57 >> Okay. >> So, in my >> what we all saw >> Yeah. >> Right. So what you're you're telling us what happened in the video. I want you to now tell us or everybody to tell us what do you get from all of this? We all saw that it's very >> Yeah. Yeah. I I feel it's the approach like you know what approach that we bring to the situation or as you say our own images or our own uh um our own feelings to the situation. So here there are two very disparate uh uh approaches and responses to the situation and it both can be right.

11:38 >> Sure. Okay. more thoughts >> as a child as in what I saw was uh the child gets two different responses and uh which one is right would be the child's thought or >> no wait I very specifically said forget the child don't focus on the child just focus on the two adults and say what are you getting out of the two adults forget the child okay >> not thinking about the child at all >> right so the chai as in uh okay Now, take a moment, think about it. What is it that you see two adults and you see two adults in the same situation doing things differently? What is all of that telling you?

12:33 >> Two different kinds of behavior in the same situation. >> Mhm. Yeah. So what is that telling you? >> That you can take it certain situation >> in an lighter way or in an angry way. >> Mhm. Okay. So you're saying that you always have at least two choices if not more. >> Yeah. >> Mhm.

13:03 Okay. We can approach a situation in different ways like there are multiple approaches to to one situation. >> Okay. There are multiple approaches to one situation. Okay. Anybody else?

13:40 One parent is being in that moment and the other parent is looking to get the child ready and move towards >> Sure. Yeah. Yeah. That's what we saw. But tell me what is that telling you? uh sinking with the child's energy that part aligns with me. That one parent who was going with the flow with the child's uh momentum and what was going on is more I'm more aligned towards that.

14:17 >> When when you say you are more aligned towards it, what do you mean? Do you mean how you want to be or that is how you usually are or what? >> I am I am usually I am. >> Mhm. But are you the other way also? >> Yeah. Yeah. When it I when it comes to school and all I'm very particular about the timing. So >> Okay. So you are both sides. >> Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

14:43 Okay. >> So living in the moment makes things lighter and easy. That father in that video is actually enjoying with the child living in that moment rather and the mother is worrying about getting late to school which is the future. >> Mhm. Okay. So are you saying that uh so what are you saying? You're just still telling me what is happening in the video which we anyway also what to you you do are you saying I wish I was more living in the moment. Is that what you are saying?

15:27 >> What are you saying? >> Yeah. I'm saying like >> why we all live both in moment and not in moment. No, aren't you this kind also and that kind also? Moment also and fugury also. >> Yeah. Yeah. But then >> maybe living in the moment makes it makes things a bit better. Then again we have an image now I'm the moment liver kind of a person you know >> again caught up with that then the moment we are not living in the moment we feel guilty then you have to again transfer to me >> um is it about reacting to the situation >> any which way we react to a situation you may give it nice names like response react respect and all of that but any which way whatever we do something Right.

16:17 >> Yes. Yes. >> So two people did something. >> So that is what like we as a third person what we observed right that we need to share. >> No no no what we observe we already observed right? We all of us observe the same video. What do you get out of it? What is it? What's an interesting thought insight? Something interesting that okay. Yeah. Oh this. Yeah. Interesting.

16:48 Like somebody said living in moment is interesting. Fair enough. Somebody said I want to align with that kind of approach. Fair enough. But anything else? Anything else for anybody? Anything interesting. Okay. A couple of responses in the chat. Sha saying one is accepting the reality. Yeah. Yeah. That we all saw Sharia. So you are still telling us what is happening in the video. But we all saw the video shar. Now tell us what is this telling to you? You know let's go one step deeper.

17:38 >> Yeah. What you are still telling is what was happening in the video. So what about it? If you if that is where you are that is what is video telling you then what about it? What is interesting? What is insightful? What is amazing? What is whatever disturbing whatever Let me see >> connecting with the child versus fixing the child.

18:17 >> Um >> hello. >> Yeah. Yeah. >> Uh I found that you know husband was uh trying to irritate the mother his wife and >> Okay. I felt it's quite >> disturbing that you sorry and then I found that mother was not having empathy towards child like she was >> so what is all of this telling you >> she was trying to fix him? >> Yes. Yes. What is all of >> She doesn't know how to wait. So most of you are still telling us what we saw.

18:52 >> Yeah. You're just telling it in your words but you're still telling us what we saw. That's fine. We mean you can still tell that. But what did you get out of it? It's like the moral of the story. Not not necessarily like moral moral as in what what you get out of it is what is more interesting to me. >> I don't know. >> Okay. >> Okay. uh like how the child can be the way parents can also be the way they want and figure it out.

19:32 >> Yeah. A is saying we can be lava is saying you behave as per your belief. Lesson number one learning number one super yeah you behave as per your belief. Yes. So maybe she's what I can understand from Lavana's statement is that she's seeing two sets of belief systems there. And that is interesting actually interesting. We don't go to the belief we directly talk about what is happening. Yeah. But there is somewhere the belief is coming in. Okay. So let me move ahead. Let's see how this unfolds. So the obvious question is what do I want? Do I want to be this way that way? As somebody said being in the moment to being fixing the situation if not the child um and so on.

20:17 Um um okay. U so let me let me at least uh actually narrate one one more incident. Uh this happened way back many many years back almost 20 24 years back. Um we had just started working with children for about a year a year and a half we would have spent and uh we were we had a little office and uh you know me and my wife Aditi both were sitting there and one one mother walked in and uh she wanted to know about our programs and what we do and all of that and while she was talking she suddenly asked me so what is your disciplining policy and I was like yo what do I I was like caught totally off guard and I looked at Aditi and Aditi looked at me and we were like both totally zoned with no idea what to say. So finally after a huge silence I told that lady ma'am we don't have a disciplining policy as in we had no idea what is this disciplining policy and obviously um the lady went away never to come back again so we lost one so to say customer um oh Shadai is saying the person who carries the responsibility also carries the pressure okay is the responsibility a belief So let's can I translate it to the person who carries the belief of responsibility also carries the behavior of pressure maybe. Okay. Anyway coming back to my story. So when the lady had gone away and all of that both of us start start thinking hello why don't we have a disciplining policy and we had no answer. We didn't even know really what is disciplining.

22:11 And we said chua let's go to some bookstores let's buy some books on disciplining. Now till now though we didn't need it but now we might need it or now that we have to make a policy you know we went to bookstores we flipped through some books you know cheat red in the bookstore itself without paying any money but we couldn't find any book which was interesting enough so we left everything and we came back and we sat thinking yeah if one and a half year we have been able to work without a disciplining policy then something must be working for Yes.

22:47 Does it make sense? Something must be working. Now if for one and a half years one can work with children that to different different ages. That time we had up to 12 and 13 years. So if I can work with children from 5 6 years to 13 years for one and a half years without having a disciplining policy then something must be working for us. So then we little thought about it and if you want I can share the the magic formula. Do you want the way I put it I'm almost telling it.

23:28 >> Yes. obviously. Um okay. So and and interestingly it's now almost 20 yeah roughly about 25 years. You can say 25 to 26 years and we still don't have a disciplining policy. So now you can say it has been kind of working for us for the last 25 years. I say kind of because I don't know what is working in your mind and what is in my mind could be different. But any which way it we still don't have a disciplining policy we still don't have a book on disciplining or behavior or whatever whatever whatever right so so that is the situation so the same in a way the the we we we are just the same for 24 25 years so what has worked for us at least for one and a half years was this yeah when we thought through it we came up with This statement no matter what happens be relaxed.

24:35 Now you will say what rat so much suspense you built and all you give is this no what? Say something. Throw some rotten tomatoes at me. Say what is this? This is nothing. What is this bean? But tell me do you like it in the sense? >> Yeah. Yeah. It aligns to what you had shared in the last few sessions that nothing can be done.

25:07 So the best thing is to relax. Okay. So would you like to be relaxed? Why? What will it do for you? If if you're saying of course says a ka then what would this relax do for you? Why would you like to be relaxed? >> I think instead of reacting, we will first be in the listening mode if we are relaxed. >> Okay. So, you are saying this will help you listen. >> Yeah. Listen better.

25:38 >> Yeah. Before you >> listen better. Okay. I'll make it better. >> It will also uh help in uh help us in uh mental peace. Mental balance. >> Mental peace. Okay. And what does it balance do? >> It gives us a it gives us space to be curious >> curious. Okay. >> Be judgmental. >> I'll become happy and think more about myself. Okay.

26:09 >> I think when you are relaxed or in general like you can choose from your you know what you would like to do or what you would like to behave. If you're not relaxed, what will happen is you might get into autopilot mode and you will just do whatever comes. >> You can think more options. Is that kind of the way I have understood it? >> You can choose from which you from where you would like to operate or >> Okay. Choose. That's a very interesting word. You can choose.

26:37 >> Yeah. when we feel relaxed, we have more options uh you know uh to do or to uh to opt you know we we look for more options I think. >> Mhm. >> Uh also >> the solutions >> sorry somebody is saying the voice was breaking can you please repeat? >> Uh so when we are more relaxed uh sometimes we uh take ourselves out of that situation and we look from a third person point of view rather than being a parent or anything and we >> okay >> uh and come up with a better solution or make it less stressful to the child.

27:24 >> Okay. So you are saying it will give us more perspective I think I >> Yes. Yeah. Yeah. better. Yeah. >> Sorry I'm picking up from I joined a bit late. I'm picking up from where I heard uh so I'm the context is about uh you don't have a discipline policy >> and this statement is replacing the discipline policy right >> wait wait wait that is not the context the context is in any situation uh we are we are saying that if we are relaxed that is a good state to be or that is a profitable state and we're trying to find out why being relaxed is profitable.

28:10 >> Okay. >> Okay. >> This is still an assumption. The profitability or that it's a better situation or is a desirable state of mind is still a >> um you can say an assumption which we came up with that that's what was our disciplining that's why we didn't need a discipline policy. >> No. Uh I I just thought that uh uh uh the hypothesis that uh having a disciplining policy doesn't assure guaranteed results.

28:43 >> No no no also can be true policy. No no no let's not get into that. I was just saying we didn't have a disciplining policy. We still don't have an ROE a disciplining policy although we have lot of indisciplined people here like me. Um the the the whole crux is that no so the the the talisman the formula is no matter what happens be relaxed and so we are thinking why would being relaxed be something which we would desire or feel which we want or which will be beneficial.

29:25 Okay. Nagaraj is saying uh when I'm relaxed I would let the child okay so maybe you're saying if I'm right I will invite the child more invite the child to think act whichever way okay any any other reason why we would like to be relaxed see because it's important it's first important to think that if we really really want being relaxed because then we can figure out how. How is always easy. The what is always more complicated. So if you are saying hey me being relaxed is important then we are trying to see how important it is because if it is very important then I will focus on on the how part of it.

30:20 More sensible. Okay. Um any other thoughts? Okay. Shar saying when I'm relaxed the child will feel safe. Interesting. So that will also create us. Yeah. React differently. Yeah. There so many people said that. Yeah. When I I can think more. I can come up with more option. I have choices. Somebody's also saying we have child will also feel safe.

30:52 Because being not relaxed doesn't change the situation in a better way. Okay, maybe maybe sometimes being not relaxed might just change it in a better way maybe. No. Okay, fair enough. So, do we all want to be relaxed? I'm not saying 100% like not like that way 100% but do we all want to be relaxed you know in in let's say some situations most situations more situations whatever sometimes yes >> sometimes >> sometimes you want to be relaxed but sometimes you will anyway be relaxed now do you >> but do you want this as like a big want when I say what do I want I want to be relaxed then you're obviously saying when I'm I'm saying I'm I'm wanting to be relaxed. You're at the same time not saying I want to fix the child, right? See, I'm going to come up with hard choices. You want to fix the child or you want to be relaxed? Which one?

31:52 >> Being relaxed is like being stressree. >> Yeah, you decide whether that's stress free or not. But I'm saying which one do you want? Do you want to be relaxed? How much >> is it just sometimes or is it you really want it? Yeah, want to be relaxed most of the time. >> Okay. Only few people said not always. Most people are saying only sometimes then there is no desire to be enough. I want to be relaxation. How much you have to be really wanting it. No, then only we'll work on it.

32:30 No, there is desire there is fire. Where there is fire, there is cooking. So really do we want if you want then we can we can work towards it. >> Yes definitely I want to be relaxed. >> Mhm. Okay saying I want to be relaxed all the time. Okay. Well I don't know all the time. Um but any at least um oops sorry I think the presentation got closed.

33:11 Just give me a moment. Yeah. So I'm saying sha it's not about being relaxed all the time. I don't know if that is even practical but let us say in situations uh let's say at least with with my child at least some some good percentage whatever you know what do you say yes yes okay let's not build Yeah, I was just getting out of this.

33:58 Just give me one moment. Okay, meanwhile, I will talk while I get this presentation. I wanted to type on the slide and that's why it came out of the slideshow view. Okay. Okay. Okay. So, okay. Let's look at it this way. So, if we really want to be relaxed then all we need to do according to me is that we need to see which beliefs will lead me to be relaxed. Does that make sense? If I work on my beliefs, somebody said I think Tawanya had said that the belief system of both the parents or both the adults in the um in the situation looked different and that's important because if we are saying no I I react I I you know it's impulsive it's spontaneous no no then we are trying to think in only in terms of behavior but what is driving our behavior is our belief system and if you're saying our belief system is important then what I can do is I can think of hey what beliefs if I adopt will keep me relaxed then I just need to go ahead and adopt those beliefs and then well I'll be relaxed at least most places unless some other belief kicks in which case I will not be relaxed but till I'm more or less with this whatever belief system so let's together spend few minutes important five minutes at least in collecting What beliefs will help me or lead me not even help me lead me to be relaxed? So give me a belief statement which will lead you to be relaxed. And if you put down all those belief system or belief statements and then we adopt at least some of them then we'll be relaxed. Simple.

35:47 So the work has to happen at the belief level not at the behavior level. It's like people say count 10 to one and all of those things. Well, I know I'm not saying those don't work. But those are still tricks. But when we work at a more fundamental level and work at our belief system, then we don't need to apply any tricks. Then we don't even reach there. Then we are totally in a different space. So what kind of beliefs would help you to be relaxed in let's say situation with respect to your child. Right? Now let's stay with the children's situation, right? So whatever age your child is, whatever age the child will be in future, think which beliefs will help you be relaxed. So don't just stay with the present. You can also think in terms of the past sorry future.

36:37 Yeah. Go ahead. My belief is that uh there is something uh beyond me that will protect the child. So leaving it to nature because I can't guard the child 24/7 and I and it's not possible also and I have seen certain situations where uh she has been safe. So uh once you know somebody >> you're only talking about safety what if the situation is not related to safety.

37:08 >> Yeah. In general uh I I believe that there is something beyond I I would say nature or universe something where is protecting the child and >> yeah but when you're using the word protecting that's not really about behavior that's only about safety >> right >> right you will only protect somebody against the situation of safety but we are not talking about safety we are talking about behavior any behavior it could be anything it could be I I did not like another child's way of saying something and I slapped her. Now there's nothing to protect in that sense. Then the other child started crying and went away and that behavior happened. Let's say my child slapped another child.

37:51 >> Okay. >> So in that sense this it's a protection thing but maybe you can reward your thought. I'm not saying that your belief is but maybe just reward it to be make it applicable to all situations because only then it's a belief, >> right? Sure. Uh my behav I mean I believe that my behavior is my responsibility. My child's behavior is not my respons. Okay. My child's behavior is not my responsibility and my behavior is okay.

38:34 Fair enough. uh accepting the child as she is acceptance. >> Okay. So again my question would be what acceptance is a state. So uh it's not a belief by itself. What belief will give you the acceptance? A am I making sense? Acceptance is a state of mind. >> Correct? >> Am I right? At at this moment let's say I'm accepting the weather. Then it's a state of mind. I 5 minutes later I need not be accepting but some belief in me is helping me accept the state the weather let's say or the child's behavior or anything for that matter.

39:17 >> She's capable of handling herself. >> Okay. She is capable of handling herself. Okay. more more more any any belief that you think will help you keep thinking in terms of will this belief help me be relaxed that's the important thing one more thing I'd like to say uh that uh uh one more belief I have uh I need to learn before I teach her okay is it only before we can also learn together now so Is it that I need to learn or I am also learning? Is that what you want?

40:05 >> I'm also Yeah, I am also learning before I mean to say uh I should not uh put pressure on the kid >> to learn fast. >> Okay. Okay. Okay. So, so go to the belief when you say I I should not put pressure on my child to learn fast. What is the belief behind that? uh like uh social uh you know at social uh circle social go to social circle wait come back to your belief your statement not belief statement statement that I should not u what whatever is learning >> it can be anything >> yeah yeah so what is the belief about the child >> that I should not put pressure I should not >> but what is bringing that belief when you say I should not uh what is the belief behind it what is what belief is bringing this that I should not put uh >> if she doesn't want want to learn a particular thing or uh uh let's say any hobby which I want her to learn like music we can take an example of uh music >> yeah just tell me the belief wait tell me the belief what's your belief Yeah. I uh my belief is uh if she doesn't want to learn uh >> No, no, no. That's not the belief.

41:32 What's the belief? >> Pressurizing on kid. >> No, no. Is your belief that she can decide what to learn? >> Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. She can behavior situations. Is it about learning? No. No. We not talking about art, sciences, geography. We are talking about a behavior. So what is the belief in that situation? >> Behave. Yeah. If she doesn't want to uh talk to uh you know one uh you know two kids for example she doesn't want to talk to two kids amongst all.

42:13 So I >> say her choices are whatever her choices her choices are important. >> Her choice of even action and behavior is important. >> Important. Yes. I should not >> sure this is what you're saying. >> Yes. Yes. Yes. Her choices are important. >> More important than mine. >> than mine. >> My choices. >> My choices are also important. But I should not. >> But my choice could be that she should not hit and her choice is to hit. Then whose choice is more important?

42:47 >> In that case uh my choice beliefs are universal right you can't say in that case in that case then it's not a belief. >> What is your belief? >> That's why I'm saying step back. Keep stepping back. What is your belief that will lead you to allow her to take her choices? Believe >> what belief will if that is what you want >> another one that >> yeah sure sure >> you complete then we'll go to the work yeah >> yeah I want her uh to be a nice person >> no no no that is a vision I want that she can't be a nice person I'm telling you right only why you want to image her into a nice person the one moment she can be nice when she want she can be terrible just like me and just like you we are all rascals anyways >> right why do you want okay but that is your want that is any that is a want that is not a belief >> yeah think >> I need think about it >> yes yes think more think more yeah that >> yeah so I'm just saying in in reference to what can help me to be relaxed in a moment so like if if I tell I mean if I'm telling myself that I still don't understand where she's coming from or I don't I still don't know uh uh where you know or I don't understand fully uh that has me >> yeah but that is still that is still your thought what is the belief behind it >> my belief is I >> is your a good reason to behave like this >> sorry >> is belief that there is a good reason to behave like I may not know it >> or I may >> I don't know yeah something like yeah >> no we have to work out the belief so this is the thought I don't know but the I don't know is not important when I say what she must be having a good reason to be behave like this >> here >> my sorry yeah >> no go ahead go ahead >> I'm saying whatever is happening in front of you has a reason. Uh I might not be aware of it.

45:12 >> Yeah. As I said that to me is not a belief that is just a thought. At that moment you're thinking I don't know something. >> Okay. But if you are ready to accept that not knowing, if you are saying that it doesn't matter whether I know or not because I think she has a good reason for her to behave like that and that's good enough then that's a belief in which case my knowing not knowing is immaterial because this knowing comes very fast because I know how to behave I know why child child is seeking attention child is doing this child is doing that you know what I mean so that thought that I don't >> so maybe so itself is not a belief. It is only a thought. If that thought comes, you may be okay. But if that thought doesn't come, then you may again go back to non >> maybe maybe the other person has a point to behave like that or or maybe I'm saying that that everybody has a good reason to behave like that.

46:09 >> Okay. Fine. I'll write that. >> Yeah. Um Javan >> uh yeah my belief would be I don't need to fix my child. >> Okay so uh what belief will okay not normally beliefs are not in the not so what would be your other way around statement?

46:39 >> My child is okay as it is. >> Okay. My child is okay as it is. Mhm. That's a big one. >> There are few more on the chat. >> Sorry. >> Uh there are few in the chats. >> Oh, there are few in the chats. >> Resh. Uh whenever I am relaxed, she's also relaxed. So >> that's a benefit of being relaxed. That by itself is not a belief. That's just a benefit. you it's like your knowledge that okay this is a benefit of being relaxed >> okay >> but what is the beliefs that will help you be relaxed >> okay >> um okay ka is saying we have our own journey child can understand and handle emotions okay u child can handle and understand emotions Okay. And you're also saying both have our own journey. But how is that leading you to be relaxed? Meaning are you trying to say that uh what are you trying to say Nancha? That is the the child will learn in his own time. He's learning he will he's creating his own whatever thinking is that what you're saying?

48:01 >> Yes. >> Come on Mike then can I can Yes. >> Sorry. So say it in your words >> like I earlier I used to think that you know >> tell me what you're thinking cut it short hit on the belief that he's not dependent on me for his emotions this journey okay like he has his own journey and >> yeah what does that mean what's so what what does that mean when you say he has his own journey as in he his own journey for what? For learning. For >> for learning to to understand any situation.

48:40 >> Okay. So >> to fix his own problem >> he can manage. >> So he can manage his own problems and do you want to say he's learning or that's the word I put in your mind? >> No no no I just wanted to say that. Yes. Okay. Anybody else?

49:11 >> So, Radesh, I have a question. >> Mhm. >> I think I'm a little confused about this belief part. >> So, if like the place where I get most worked up about and I want to be more relaxed is to help my children utilize their time better. So, I I want to say that it's okay to just be in the moment. I I want to uh go there. >> Okay. It's >> okay to be in the moment.

49:41 >> Yeah. >> Yeah. Okay. It's fair enough. If you say it's okay to be in the moment, then it's okay to be in the moment. >> But yeah. So I have to work on that to internalize that because I'm not there right now. >> Not internalize. You should say this is my belief from now onwards. Right. This second you can say I this belief is at the top of the pile. It is okay to be in the moment if you say so.

50:07 >> Okay. >> The moment you say it is okay to be in the moment that is my belief. >> All right let's try it. See that's what I'm saying. It is it cannot be a formula. It has to be a belief. It is something that you believe in and you you might have to adopt it like how we can adopt so many things. I would like to adopt this belief that it's okay to be in the moment.

50:42 >> I feel that I don't know how far I can. >> So then why explore more beliefs beliefs which seems that you can hang on to right? Sometimes we make very big statements okay which looks like a awesome belief but then we aren't yet there or we don't even need to be there. Maybe some other beliefs can be better functional beliefs >> like for example which is why I was pushing Akancha on that one said he is learning. So let's let's take for an example this belief child is learning.

51:18 Now is this a easier one? How many of us agree with this belief that child is learning? Just like he's learning maths and he's learning how to ball and cricket and she's learning uh you know how to swim and so on. The child is learning but there are few more in the chat. So there's no hurry. Okay. Yeah. So Shishi if I ask you why there is no hurry is the answer oh he's still learning. Is that what the answer is or is it a different answer? So you can tell me Christie is also saying universe always works in my favor. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. She will learn eventually. Yeah. So she she will learn eventually what she wants to learn, right? Not what you want her to learn. Resources are abundant. Yeah. But let's get more specific, right? So if you're saying she will learn eventually and she are saying there's no hurry which means she's learning uh yeah learning mistakes okay you want to call them mistakes you want to call them moment situations the child is learning think about this child is learning is this a belief how many of you think that you can adopt this belief that the child is learning just like it takes whatever 30 years to learn how to whatever okay 20 years to learn let's say mathematics or whatever uh history or whatever politics I don't know how many years it takes to learn all these things but let's say whatever it takes to learn master a guitar how much time it takes to master guitar at least 10 years like so if it takes 10 years to master guitar at least 10 years to master my my behavior no couple of people said yes is I hope that was for child is learning others that's not a good belief child is learning One thumbs up, couple of yeses.

53:21 Okay, few more coming up. Okay, so uh you know you know what? Let me let me little let me bring in a little perspective Yeah.

54:02 Okay. I've come up with a term called inging. Sorry, I I'm ignoring. Yeah, some yeses. Okay, inging. Have you heard this word before? No. Yes. Inging. Inging. No. Yeah. Probably because it's not there in any dictionary, but it's just a more our word. What does this inging means? Okay. Let me let me first start little bit list and then you tell me if you are sing. So, one of the ing word is learning. Another word is trying.

54:42 Another word is exploring. Another word is experimenting. Another word is okay. Give me a few more words. Is your child doing all of these? Learning, trying, exploring, exploring, >> evolving. >> Evolving. Huh? Any more? >> Creating. >> Creating. Okay. More >> nurturing.

55:12 >> Nurturing. Okay. More. This is for the child. Huh? >> Okay. >> How else is your child inging? Are you getting the meaning of the word inging? >> Crying. >> Thinking. >> Crying. Yes. >> Understanding. >> Understanding. >> Wondering. >> Knowing wondering. Okay. More. More. More.

55:43 >> Behaving. >> Behaving. Mhm. Okay. Solving. Resolving. >> Testing. >> Dissolving. Testing. Resting. >> Defending. >> Yeah. Yeah. depending anymore. >> Experiencing.

56:14 >> Oh yes, we missed experiencing. >> Relaxing. >> Experiencing. Yeah, relaxing. See, experiencing went into the black part. Okay. Sorry, I've run out of space. But by now you know what the word ing means. Yeah. Do you like it? >> Yes. Because if the child is not doing any of these then or rather we are not doing any of these then where what are we doing? Okay, maybe we should add living, right? We are alive. Because we are alive, we are learning, trying, exploring, experimenting, evolving, creating, nurturing, trying, thinking, understanding, knowing, wondering, depending, laughing, dissolving, solving, behaving, discovering, testing, resting, experiencing, and so many more.

57:02 Which means we are ringing. That's the belief that we have. We believe that children and us are all in game. We are all the time learning, exploring, experimenting, creating, thinking, trying, trying, laughing, joking, pulling, pushing, challenging, testing, resting, solving all the time.

57:44 handling. Somebody said she's capable of handling. So handling child has a good reason to behave. So behaving, you know, so many understanding. Yes. How is that? >> Playing. >> Yeah. Playing. Yes. Why not? What if we adopted that the child my child is an ing child and so am I. I'm not saying only the child and if the child is inging if I see the child as an ing human being then what happens?

58:23 Child could also be fixing fixing himself or herself and refixing also and defixing also. What do you say now? If this is something I'm not saying you have to adopt the word ing. I'm not I'm not there. I'm just saying if this or any of these beliefs or few more I'm sure you can think of few more beliefs um and if you sit down if you really really want to be relaxed just think of which beliefs will help you be relaxed for us this belief that the child is ingame this helps us relax sometimes not in that moment but 2 minutes later 5 minutes later half an hour later it will help us relax and then we can go back and say oops I blundered half an hour back.

59:33 But do you do you like it or you don't like it? Do you like this the idea that the child and I am are all learning, trying, exploring, experimenting, evolving, creating d thinking. See when we think in terms of images we think we are a bag of images, adjectives but when we think in terms of habits of mind and when we think in terms of all of these ing words then we realize we are a bag of verbs.

60:05 So which one do you want? Do you think your child is a nice child which is a bag of adjectives or an Indian child which is a bag of verbs of action of evolution? Which one? Yeah. So you decide you can liking, watching, expressing. Oh so many came in chat window. Sorry. Enjoying, observing, depending. Yeah. All of this whichever you feel like that this is your child and and to me these are these are graspable beliefs because I can see all of this happening right the day I say today I will see is my child an observing child I will see that is my child a creating child I can see that is my child a wondering child I can see that and when I can see that I can believe that and then I operate from that belief in some way. If I go back to the father uh in the father or the or the man in the in the in the video with which we started, he was seeing the ingness in the child.

61:27 So he whether he did it in a mockery way and dig a smile and all of that that all is okay. That is his style. Let's keep that aside. But what was important was he was focusing on the ingness of the child. Well, mother was focusing on sending to school and blah blah blah. Nothing wrong with that. I'm not trying to say that the other person is wrong or right. I'm just trying to say what was helping him to be relaxed. Maybe after that photograph he will also rush her to the school. So school is not the issue.

61:57 But if at that moment am I with the inging then ing comes front or first to me then other than that's where the habits of mind come more important. No because all of them are operating words. Now which one you want to choose you decide. What do you want? Your thoughts?

62:31 Yeah, this ing mode is better than not doing not trying. See, it's a belief system. Now your belief system or my belief system could be made out of images. You know child should be a nice person. Child should behave in a particular way. So those are the belief system that I have let's say acquired or have right now. As I said I can adopt a new belief system and one of the belief system I'm not saying there are so many others that you have recommended and I think all of them are fine. Whatever works for you. Another belief system is the ingening kind of belief system where we say the child is work in progress and so am I. Are you a work in progress?

63:27 >> Yes. >> Is the child a work in progress? >> Yes. >> Does it need to become perfect yesterday? >> No. >> And if we are not perfect then what? We are work in progress. WIP. >> Yes. Till we become RIP, we are WIP.

64:01 Any quick thoughts? Then we'll take a small break. And I'm and I'm not trying to say you should agree to what we have written down on the on as beliefs. You can create your own beliefs. Absolutely you can adopt your own beliefs whichever you want to whatever works for you. But if you want to be relaxed so that you are resourceful as you said and the child is also getting the space and etc etc etc then we need to work on the beliefs whichever way you want to work on.

64:48 why this worked for us has all has worked all these 25 26 years is you know even if I'm not seeing it somebody else will nag me hey you see how he's thinking I didn't think of it yeah thinking at least he's developing thinking even if he's sitting or somebody will say something else or somebody will or or I myself come to oh what else ising in him and that relaxes even if not in that moment little later maybe next Okay.

65:41 So in a way the first belief that was shared my child's behavior is not my responsibility it is child's responsibility that itself means that this responsibility is in gameing isn't it? Do we learn responsibility in a day? Noa we we're exploring responsibility constantly. So we are inging we are we are inging with our responsibility. We are responsibling if there's a word like that.

66:19 Okay. Um couple of chat messages. Let me check that. Yeah. The thing is is sayinging mode. It's not a mode. It's it it needs to or rather if you want it to be to be relaxed then it that's the belief to adopt. It's not a mode mode. It's more of a a belief system that the child is ising, the child is learning all the time.

67:00 You know, it's like one child is shouting at the other child and somebody's saying, "Rat, why are you not doing anything?" The one who is shouting is learning how to shout because that's an important skill in life. And the other one who's being shouted at is learning how to deal with shouting at and that's an important skill to learn in life. And they're both ing so why should I bother? And they say these guys don't do anything but I'm doing lot of thing. I am also ing by by looking at them and observing them and how each one is trying their thingies. daring game that's why I don't need a disciplining policy what will I do this is a such a beautiful learning opportunity A is also learning B is also learning why should I bother two beautiful people are learning two beautiful things if two children are really learning nicely will you interfere but here you need to see both of them as as the ones that they are learning. You know, one is learning how to shout. One is learning how to be how to deal with the shouted being being shouted at I I don't know if I can see it.

68:33 Um, nice. Okay. Okay. Well and you in the in the break you think what you want to say or if you want to say or not say take your time right that's okay we all you can always say in the WhatsApp group you can always say any other way also yeah so let's take a small break and then we will move ahead of this and you can decide number one do you want to be relaxed number two if you want to be relaxed what beliefs you want to adopt uh yeah between these two the ing part was just what how we look at children. I just wanted to share um yeah so let's take a small belief break sorry and we'll come back and little move ahead little make this more intense and then maybe wellw your question might automatically get answered right although I don't know what your question or thought is okay so let's take a small break we are at 97 so 5 minutes that that's good enough so maybe by 912 let's we'll be Okay, let's uh start again.

75:18 Ka is asking, no, not Acha. Sorry, Shadma is asking, should we allow them to fight and hit each other? No, no, Shadma, we are not talking about whether what we should allow or not allow that you decide. We are just saying whatever we are doing if you want to be relaxed then what is what should be our belief system. If my belief system is that they are learning then I can decide how I want to respond. Even when my belief system is different that belief system will drive here my belief system is different and this belief system is keeping me relaxed and then I'm deciding what I want to do. I may still stop them. I can still shout at them. I can do whatever I want. Even in a relaxed mode, I can shout on them.

76:05 It is not that relaxed means some shantam you know that image of Buddha coming to you. No no no no relax does not mean that relax is only my state of mind. My I can still use action to do whatever I want to do. >> Uh Rnesh I have one point to add. So in some of the cases where let's say at that particular instant I was not thinking the child is ing >> uh but let's say like you said I I shouted I yelled uh so typically what happens is that particular ingu becomes a negative uh emotion in the child.

76:47 >> Sure. So how do I work around? I understand the relaxation part it works well most of the time but the negative cases I feel very bad after that because that ing if you are valuing the inging rather than the uh the behavior okay then it becomes different let's let let's let's continue you will get there uh by the end of the session to understand the singing little better Yeah. Allow me to just continue. Let's see how it how it shapes up. Yeah. Um is that okay?

77:30 >> Yes sir. Resn please go ahead. >> But what I'm trying to say is that the the idea is to see understand this ing what is this ining all about? Okay let's come to a quick situation. Let's say the situation is now we are not talking about child behaving. It's our behavior. Let's assume we are the one who leave the tap open. not very often and today also we have left the tap open. How would you like your family to say or do?

77:56 What what would you like your family to say or do? You can type in chat. You can come on mic. Anything will do. >> They can give a polite ultimatum. >> What do you mean by polite ultimatum? >> I mean politely uh make me understand that this is not acceptable. Ah, so you it's you you want them to say politely to you. >> Politely? Yes. >> And just say that this is not acceptable. Dear, dear, dear. Next time don't do it. Dear, dear, dear. That's no.

78:30 >> Is that polite enough? >> Not by dear. >> No, no. I'm just obviously exaggerating, but I'm saying politely, right? >> Fair enough. Fair enough. Fair. Fair enough. So, Shika wants to be told this is not acceptable politely. What about others? Wandat saying just go ahead and close the tab. Don't even bother me which is which is awesome. Chandra Kant is saying remind me and how do you want them to remind you Chandra Khan? Uh same way that you suggested in the example. Hey uh you know the uh uh child is ringing in the same way I would I may not >> say it out. Say it out. Act it out. How would you want them to remind you? Give us some.

79:12 >> Yeah. But you did not see the tap was running. So somebody would I would expect somebody to come and nudge me tell me that hey you left the tap open. Ah nicely sweetly politely. Okay. Others how would you like? Oh I've got about three responses. Come on others. What what would you like your family members to do or say? Remember here we are what will I like? We not talking about what would you what will they do?

79:42 I'm asking what would you like others to do? Whatever you would like. >> Yeah, I would like them to ignore it and just close the tab for me. >> Okay, super. Ignore and close the tap. >> They close the tab but tell me again like, "Hey, you for you forgot to >> turn off the tab again. >> Hey, you forgot. >> Don't repeat. >> Don't repeat." Yeah. So why why are we wanting these kind of responses you know don't even bother me or bother me but just gently remind me or politely remind me why are we wanting these kind of responses >> maybe we maybe I think that this is not such a trivial thing not such not very important >> oh okay then we can make it a more important situation what is the big deal >> is >> okay you don't think that's big enough so tell Tell me what is big enough where you you would like people to shout on you.

80:47 >> In my mind, this is not so important for me. I mean, in general, if I'm forgetting something like that, >> that's not the point. Wait, wait, wait. You're digressing. Okay. >> The point is that I have misbehaved. Let's just stay with that. And how do I like being told? I'll tell you. You are you're driving a car. You you skip a signal. Let's say a red signal. You jump a red signal, okay? And the policeman stops you on the other side and you get asks you to come out of the car and when he comes out of the car, he slaps you right there in the middle of the crossroad with all the people there.

81:21 Is that okay with you? >> No. >> Is that was that serious? >> Yes. >> No. The offense? >> It is very offensive. >> No. No. No. The offense that you did the of jumping the signal. Was that serious? Serious enough? >> Yeah. >> It can cause an accident. No. >> Yeah. >> Yeah. So, he slapped you. Now, what do you say? >> I don't like that. >> Why? It's very effective. I'll tell you, you will not stop jumping signal soon.

81:57 Why? Why? Why do you not like getting slapped? You are the one who did the mistake. Now take it. >> Yes. Um >> all like to be treated with respect >> which is what happened in the tap situation. So it's not about the situation. Is it about the situation or is it about me? >> Me. >> Yeah. It's not about the situation. It's not about the tap. It's not about whether the situation is small or big.

82:32 It's about how we want to be treated. So you want to be treated with respect. >> Yes. >> Is that the reason why we want it this way? >> Yes. >> So when when we misbehave, we want to be treated with respect. And others misbehave, what how do we treat them? We want to be accepted for what we are >> right. So we want to be accepted, respected and when others do it then they also want the same thing now.

83:15 >> Yeah. >> Okay. Let's look at it more deeply. Let's go one step deeper. I'm just taking you for a deep dive. Slowly slowly. Let's take one more situation. Okay. Uh let's say you step out of your apartment and you see three teenagers who are bullying a six-year-old over his new cycle. Six-year-old has a new cycle. These three teenagers are are bullying this 6 years old. You don't know the teenagers. You don't know the six-year-old. They don't know you. So this this is not known people, unknown people. Okay? And you are anyway stepped out of your flat to go somewhere, let's say shopping or wherever you wanted to go uh office or wherever. Okay? And you don't know these. What would you do?

83:56 In this situation, remember you don't know them. They don't know you. And you are you're going somewhere wherever you are going. What will you do or say or whatever? >> I might just stop and ask the teenagers why they are troubling. the six years. >> You know, auntie, we're not troubling him.

84:29 >> He doesn't seem to be enjoying what you're doing either. >> Yeah. Hi, auntie is like this only bugs us a lot. Nantie, >> what does And as a six-year-old, how are you feeling about it? >> No, no, no. Auntie, okay, auntie, don't worry. Auntie, you can carry on. Auntie, we'll take care of him. Every day comes and plays with us. >> Then I might just carry on. >> Yeah. And I'm nudging my friend and saying, "Yeah, let's look out for this auntie interferes others. What will you do?"

85:14 um uh so I have two thoughts. One is that if I chime in now um will the child be able to take care of himself later on? Uh there is other side of me who thinks that this is not fair and probably whatever you are thinking tell me what you will do. It's a life situation right now. These three teenagers you've seen them bullying this six year old at least you think they are bullying this six-year-old. What will you do? Whatever number of thoughts you have.

85:46 I'll probably go and ask questions. >> Okay, ask. I'm one of the teenagers or the six-year-old, whichever. >> What are you doing? >> Hello, uncle. We just playing, uncle. >> Okay. Doesn't look like the other kid is, you know, liking whatever you're doing. >> Yeah. Yeah. He is like that only. Uncle, he comes and he troubles us, bugs us. That's okay, uncle. We'll take care of him, uncle. Uh, I'll ask the other kid also.

86:17 >> Mhm. >> Let me let maybe you can wait while I check with him if he's okay. Sure, uncle. >> What if that that the child's complains that these these boys are you know whatever uh not they are holding my cycle, not letting me cycle. Let's say he complains. Then what will you do? Ask them why are you not >> I'm there. I'm there.

86:48 >> Why are you not giving him his >> We were just playing with him uncle. He's just like that telling you uncle. >> But he's not enjoying the same way you do. >> Uncle is he bugs us more than what you're just seeing for a moment and you are jumping. Uncle you don't worry. We'll take care of uncle. He's been our friend for so long. Uncle, don't worry. anchor. >> Yeah. And maybe I'll walk away then.

87:22 >> I'm good at convincing. >> My immediate reaction would be I think I would shout at them. Hey, what? >> Please shout, shout, shout. Please also score. Wait, wait, wait. Do it, do it, do it. Let's do it like a role play. No, then it's more fun. Hey, what's going on? What are you guys doing here? >> Nothing, Auntie. We are just just hanging around, Auntie. >> It doesn't look like that. Maybe you should leave the child. It looks like you're >> Yeah. Yeah. He's free to go wherever he wants to go. He only keeps coming to us.

87:57 Auntie, >> then move away from him, from his way. >> Okay, we'll go. Yeah. Okay. Thanks, Auntie. Bye. >> Bye. >> Wait, let's not. When this auntie is around now, we'll need to take care of this auntie. Yeah. Just stay away from her. >> I'm just talking to my friend. Auntie, don't don't take it. >> And don't repeat it. Don't don't tease any other child. >> What do you think will happen next day?

88:27 >> They do it in my absence. You see the problem? >> Yeah. But evening is also not working right. >> Sorry. Sorry. >> Convincing is also not working right. Like >> wait wait wait wait wait. We still not in the working zone. >> Okay. I'm just just seeing what how do we >> Hey guys, what are you doing? I didn't get an opportunity to do it in in my college days.

89:05 >> What uncle? What? You didn't get opportunity. >> What are you doing with these kids? Where with the with the kid? >> Nothing, uncle. He is only troubling us. Uncle, >> what is he doing? >> He just keeps on bugging us with all kinds of questions and this and that. Uncle, >> since you did not do it in your college, you want to join us, uncle? Oh, >> another teenager. >> Whose cycle is that?

89:38 You're asking me uncle obviously it is his cycle such a small cycle then I saw I saw you all were I I saw you playing with the cycle >> yes uncle we we are all same block uncle we play he comes to us every day you're playing any problem >> any problem uncle the question for the six year old do you know him do you know by the way uncle any problem Uncle, >> uncle, any problem?

90:07 >> No problem as such. I was I was thinking I would I wanted to join you. >> Ah, you wanted to join us. >> You want to try the bike, uncle? >> You You want to join this this this little kid? >> It seems to be a too small bike for me. >> Uncle, you want to join Rahul, the little kid, or you want to join us? >> We were going to play basketball. You want to join us?

90:27 >> Sure, let's play. >> Come. I thought you were going shopping, uncle, with all these bags. What happened to your bags? I had >> It's okay. I'll skip the shopping today. >> I hope auntie won't scold you. >> Okay. But by the way, d what are you trying at? As in what are you getting at? >> Uh distract the conversation. >> Why? >> Firstly, firstly distract distract them from >> doing what they were doing. >> Why? Why? Why?

90:56 >> And to gain their confidence. Oh, by distracting you are gaining our confidence in in the conversation. In the conversation, >> do you think we are not able to as teenagers not able to figure out what you're trying to do? Distract us? >> Okay. And uh uh I mean it's like uh I I go back to the situation of that kid uh who was in the park. No, >> he entered the park. >> Okay.

91:30 Okay, we'll we'll pause here. We'll come back we'll come back to all these situations. Let's me move to a third situation. Okay, let us say um let us say you open a window and on opening the window you see that there is a boy who is hitting a dog quite mercilessly. Yeah, there's a boy who is hitting a dog.

92:04 What is your thought about the boy? What's your first few thoughts about the boy after seeing him hitting >> is not wellmannered that boy? >> Okay. >> Not in his right chances. >> Sorry.

92:36 Uh, not in his right state of mind. >> Not in his right state of mind. Okay. >> Mean >> what else? Anybody else? >> I think he's scared. >> Okay, that's how he's feeling. But what is your thought on the boy? >> He's showing his frustration. >> Yeah, that's his feeling. Okay. >> But what do you think about the boy who is hitting the dog quite badly?

93:12 >> Full of anger. >> Mhm. That's also what he's feeling. But I'm saying what is your let's call it image of the boy or whatever. What do you what what adjective comes to you about the boy? >> Bad. >> Bad boy. >> Mean. Bad. >> Mean >> aggressive. Aggressive. Sorry. >> Aggressive. >> Aggressive. Cruel. Yeah. >> Now let's let's take this little uh more. Let's say let's say you had the option of opening a previous window in terms of timeline, right? What happened few seconds before you opened the other window? And that window showed you that the dog was trying to bite the boy's little sister.

94:04 Yeah. Now what is your view about the boy? Not his emotions about the boy. What is your view? >> He is protective. >> Protective. >> Protective. What is your view about the boy? >> Responsible. >> Responsible. Protective. >> Courageous. >> Courageous. Yeah. What is your view about the boy now that this previous window has got open which was not there available that the dog was trying to bite the boy's little sister?

94:45 What's the image of the boy or what is the u yeah what not the image image is not like a static image but what do you think about the boy now now that you have both the windows more words no >> the villain became the hero >> sorry the villain be >> the villain become the hero yeah >> yeah so has the image changed now clearing >> yeah 180° flip.

95:16 >> 180° flip. >> Maybe one more window. >> Yeah. Yeah. Could be more windows, but as of now, let's just stay with this. So, we call the the the window on the right hand side, if you're seeing the slide, the behavior window, you know, when we when we saw the boy hitting the dog and the window before is what we call as the intention window. Yeah. So when we saw the child through the behavior window, we saw one the child in one way and when we saw the boy through the intention window, then we saw the boy in the other way.

95:55 I'm not saying boy is either of the two. I'm just saying how our perception changed when we looked at behavior versus when we looked at intentions. Mhm. Now let's make it a little more one more step. Okay, I am making a statement. I'm saying every behavior and I mean every behavior, everybody's behavior, every behavior has a positive intention. That is what I'm saying.

96:30 What do you say? >> No, not always. I'm saying every behavior has a positive intention. >> Not always. Sometimes >> somebody at least agrees with me. Shushi agrees with me. Shushi, can you convince Shika, please? Yeah, I have got somebody to help me. Oh, two more people. Dawal is also there. Yes, Daval and Shushi are in my team. I'm saying every behavior has a positive intention. And so Shika you have to tell us uh an example where you think not you're saying not always. So give us an example.

97:14 >> If if a person has killed someone >> Mhm. >> then in that case uh the behavior was not positive. >> Yes. Yes. Behavior was not positive. Nobody but we are not talking about that behavior is positive. >> We are only saying that the intention is positive. Intention was not also intention also was not positive. >> What was the intention to kill? >> He wants want to earn money.

97:44 >> Is earn money a bad intention or a good intention? >> But in this way it's a bad no we are not talking about the way the behavior behavior could be good or bad. We are saying the intention is positive. His intention was to earn money. Shika do you also have that intention to earn money? Yeah, in that case intention is okay. >> Yeah. So, we are only saying intention is positive. We never said behavior is positive.

98:11 >> We are saying every behavior has a positive intention. >> But in some cases, >> yeah, give us an example. >> Others who disagree, Dal help me. Shushi help with Shikha. Actually I I I also think maybe let's take an example where uh wife has given a cup of tea to husband in which there is a teaspoon of sugar less than husband hits his wife because sugar is less in his tea >> then what kind of positive intention are we seeing here? Okay, now I will need some help. Let's ask Dal. Let's ask Shushi to help me. Anybody else had agreed with me? Two people. Ah, Shhatma also had agreed. Sha >> see husband wants to have a tea which comforts him. So his intention is his he he he is being responsible for his comfort and he just wants to have it. Now what he does it out of that is something else but I want to feel good and that is that has been served me is not being good. So it's not serving purpose. So I mean yeah >> so Shika Sindhindu I am on your favor but this example doesn't suit the uh the the statement because uh >> no no it perfectly suits perfectly suits >> we are talking about the behavior over here the behavior of hitting. No, no, no. We're not talking about behavior.

100:04 Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. We're not talking about behavior. We're talking about intentions. >> Intentions. >> And as double pointed, I say his intention was to have a refreshing. >> That's what That's what I'm favoring. I'm favoring you. I'm favoring you. >> Oh, you're you're on our side. Okay. >> No, I am on their side, but this example doesn't suit. >> No, this example also suits. Even in this example, the intention is to have a good cup of tea to refresh to refresh myself.

100:28 >> Exactly. So just like in the previous one was to earn money. >> Now if somebody else chooses on behalf of me I mean the other person can still have a good intent that person is thinking about me. But if I would like to make my choice then then why somebody's doing that maybe I can take it as a disrespect. >> That's what I'm saying. Let's let's take at the example of killing. So uh the intentions of killing can be number one money. Okay. It's a positive intention.

100:58 Uh sinya has written killing out of jealousy. Uh that's not definitely a positive intention. >> What is the intention there? >> No, jealousy is also part of the you you feel wait let them tell us what is the intention. Okay. So what is the intention? When you say somebody's killed out of jealousy, what is the intention? to feel better about themselves.

101:29 >> Is that a positive intention? Doesn't all of us want to feel better about ourselves? >> Yeah. >> Yes or no? >> Yeah. >> So the intention is fine. The action may not be fine. >> We are not trying to say that the action is good. We nowhere in the slide it says behavior is positive. We are only saying the intention is positive.

102:00 Hey RN I agree 99% part the behavior 1% I would still agree because argue otherwise the words like sadistic pleasure sociopath would not exist right let's say example of sadistic pleasure some teenagers tying a string to a butterfly >> wait when you say the word sadistic pleasure sadistic just remove the word sadistic say pleasure >> you say pleasure is >> yeah the pleasure is the intention you may call it whatever kind of pleasure. The pleasure is is the intention.

102:32 >> The behavior is sadistic. >> Okay, let me put it through example. Maybe that'll >> Yeah. Yeah. But I'm I'm just saying you've yourself shown us that the intention is pleasure. The way the pleasure is being got is not acceptable, which is fine. We are not talking about behavior being acceptable. including the boy hitting the dog, including the teenagers bullying the child, including you leaving the tap open, all of those behaviors are not acceptable, but our intentions are.

103:04 So sometimes, let's say a teenagers like they're playing in the garden and they I've seen times probably tie a string to an insect or a butterflies being >> Yeah. What is what is their intention? What is their intent? >> What is the intention there? >> You tell me. You tell me. >> How does that >> You tell me. What is the intention is it gives me happiness. >> Huh? >> I doubt the intention also that's not happiness because that there's a misguided intention it seems like.

103:28 >> No, no, no. But the intention is to feel happy. Whether it finally makes me feel happy or not is a different thing. But the intention is to feel happy. So many things we do to make feel happy which may not end up making us feel happy. That's a different thing. But the intention was to feel happy. You yourself are saying it's to feel happy and feeling wanting to feel happy or having fun is is intention. We all want to have fun, feel happy, feel joyous, feel laugh, you know those are our intentions.

103:59 >> I have a one question. >> Yeah. >> If in the hospital uh patient is on ventilator. >> Yeah. >> Right. And doctor is lingering on without any reason. He is uh for example he's no more. >> Uhhuh. >> Okay. >> But doctor is not declaring >> that. >> What is doctor's intention? >> To earn more money. >> Earn more money. Just like we just now we said the intention of earning more money. Don't we all want to earn more money? Okay. In different scales.

104:33 >> I think I wait pause. You're confusing two things. Look at my hands. Can you see my video? >> Yes. Yes. >> Okay. Now there are two things here. One is the intention and one is the behavior. >> Okay? You have to separate them out. You you're confusing the two. One is the intention. The intention is to earn more. Is that okay? >> Is it okay to have the intention to earn more? Can you see my one hand moving up and down?

105:01 >> Okay. Wait, wait, wait. And the other is the behavior which is not removing the ventilator >> and and delaying the bill. So is the behavior wrong? >> Yes. Is the intention right? Can you see my video? Can you see the difference? >> That's what we are trying to tell that don't get confused. Intention with the window. The intention is the positive one which is moving up and down. The behavior is not okay which is thumbs down. But you have to separate the two out. If we confuse intention with behavior then even the intention gets maligned.

105:38 But if we are able to separate the two out, then we are seeing that this is the intention and this is the behavior. >> Does that make sense? >> No, you don't have to get convinced. Wait, wait, wait. I'm not trying to convince you. I'm just giving a proposition. I'm just giving a window called intention window. >> Most of us don't. You are right now when you're getting agitated with the hospital example, you're still with the behavior window. You're seeing the doctor's behavior which is fine. I'm saying be agitated with his behavior. I'm not saying his behavior is good. I'm with you on it, Shika. That his behavior is terrible and it's all right for you and me also will get agitated.

106:26 >> But I'm saying if you choose to see the intention window, let me go back to the previous slide. If you see the intention window, maybe he he needs more money for whatever he needs more money. He wants to earn money. All of us wants to earn money. We all want our children also to earn lots of money. Right? So if you look at the intention, the intention is positive, not necessarily the behavior.

106:57 Now you we have to decide which window we want to look at. the intention window or the now we don't need to go to to all of these extreme examples because that's not what we are dealing with dayto-day daytoday we are dealing with these three teenagers in the in the apartment right and we are dealing with this person who jumped the red signal I forgot who jumped the red signal right somebody jumped the red signal here right few minutes back >> me >> yeah what was your intention what was your intention jumping the red.

107:31 >> Yeah. One more thing I'd like to say. >> I'm in rush. >> And what is your see? Exactly. See, she's in rush. She's justifying herself when it is our turn to do something. Why did we leave the tap open? I'm in rush to go to office or I have to make breakfast or whatever for all the family. So my intentions is what I want to be respected. When you say I want to be respected, realize what we want to be respected for is not the behavior. We know our behavior was wrong to jump the signal to let the tap open. What did you wanted to be respected of?

108:04 >> What did you want to be respected of? Tell me. Tell me. Tell me. Tell me. Anytime you have said to people in >> Have you ever heard yourself saying that guy but that was not my intention dear? My intention was this. This this this. Have you said this to anybody? >> Yes. Yes. Yes. Many times. >> Many times. What are we trying to say? Respect my intention. Respect me for my intention. In a way if you remove me from there respect my intentions >> because intentions are always respectable.

108:33 >> Yeah. One one more thing I want to clarify. >> Yeah. Just one moment. So what what I what we are trying to come at is is that two separate windows. That's my only request right now. Even if you can just able to separate these two out and see them as two windows. Whether you agree with this statement or not is obviously your desire. I I am none of the things that I say I want you to believe or agree with me. Right? It is for you to explore. But what I'm trying to say that there are two windows. The behavior window and the intention window and they are separate.

109:08 >> Yeah. Now you tell me your example. In uh in the case of uh kids uh uh the teenagers uh does not have right intention right >> which one these three teenagers they don't have right intentions what is their intention you tell me >> they were teasing the >> yeah that's the behavior wait again you put the behavior window what was their intention >> intention was to tease and >> No no no no that's the behavior to have fun there you go have fun >> and is it all right to have fun. Do you also like to have fun, Shika?

109:45 >> You see the moment I say ah even I like to earn money, even I like to uh whatever you know feel have fun or feel happy. Now I'm in alignment with the child >> or with the other person. When I was saying this was not okay, then I was in opposition. And if you see my hands again, you >> know, I'm in opposition to the behavior, but I'm in alignment with the >> with the intentions.

110:16 >> Now I have understood. >> Now, which window you think will work? Which window is an understanding window? Is the behavior window understanding where anyway you are opposite to the behavior. You're opposing the behavior. You're not okay with it. Will that will that opposing thing will the child listen or anybody listen or connect with you? >> No. >> Will you be able to any which way make any impact to that person in an opposing window or will you be able to connect with the alignment window where I'm aligned with the other person?

110:50 >> Yeah, alignment window is >> No, no, no. Don't hurry. Don't hurry to say yes also. >> No, I I >> I'm just showing you the two windows. Let me detail it out a little. You can see it on the screen. >> The moment we think of a behavior window, it's like the other person is bad. You know, it's cruel to hit the dog like that. It's not okay to bully a child. You know, we we were on to the behavior. We were uncomfortable. How many of you felt uncomfortable inside the moment you heard about these three boys bullying a six-year-old? Already our temperatures were rising. BP were rising. You know, we were already uncomfortable. You see because because if you see my video now okay again please see my video we are here the the the teenagers are here. Was it like this? You were here you were you were above the three teenagers and the three teenagers were lower down in terms of respect. Was it like this?

111:47 >> I'm not just talking to Shika saying yes. >> Yeah yeah we we had the moral high ground. Yeah. >> Oh yeah we had the moral high ground. And when they when we have when we are here and the child is here, see no connection, >> right? >> We miss the whole thing. >> But the moment we come on to intentions, if I say, "Oh, these boys are having fun." >> Fun. >> Okay. Oh, at least I come to the same intentions.

112:12 >> At least I can go to these boys and say, "Hey, you guys are having fun, man. >> And while you're having fun, take care of the little one. I can still put in my request. Can I? >> Yes. Yes. Yeah. This is the better way. >> I don't know better or not. Wait, wait, wait, wait. Don't go on to this better and worse. >> It's it's about windows first. We have to see >> which window we want to operate. Don't go by my statement. I just said something and you liked it. But that's fine. But don't immediately like it.

112:42 Hold the window. The window is more important. When I'm with the behavior window, I'm having disconnection. I'm usually blaming. I'm telling the other person you are wrong. In the intention window, I'm saying this is okay. >> You see the big difference? Then I'm not not lecturing, preaching or problem finding. But when I'm with the intention window, I can have some understanding of what this person is trying or going through or wanting or desiring. I'm with the other person's desire, not my desire.

113:19 If the traffic guy would have told you, ma'am, you seem to be in great hurry. Uh maybe you have something urgent to meet. Okay. Well, now then you can say, "Oh, wow. The traffic guy understands me. I didn't want to break the rule. Who wanted to break the rule?" You didn't wanted to break the rule for the sake of breaking the rule. You wanted to break the rule because you had some intention and suddenly you you really like that traffic guy. I'm not talking about slapping. That was just a example. But you see the the difference the difference between intention window which I what I call as the understanding window while the behavior window is the disconnection window or the disrespecting if you want to call it where I'm as I said on a higher ground.

114:11 I'm up there. I'm looking down. I'm saying hey this is not okay. Yes this is not okay. We know that very much. >> Oh you are saying that intention never holds that higher ground like let's say in case of the traffic signal maybe he wants to slap the person because he wants to be in authority. >> Yeah. Yeah. In which case that is his intention. Now we were talking about our intention. >> So is that intention good or bad?

114:43 >> Yeah. Yeah. Who doesn't want authority? Who doesn't want to grow higher, rise up, feel powerful? Isn't that a positive intention? To feel powerful, to feel big, to feel strong. That's a positive intention. All of us want that in one form or the other. So, I I here absorb this that the moment you go open the intention window and level up with that, right? It opens up an opportunity because earlier we are approaching it from behavior point of view. So now it opens up an opportunity to replace the behavior while withholding the intention.

115:22 >> No no no no you gone too fast ahead. Just moment. Okay. >> It opens the opportunity to understand the other person. At the beginning I was asking whose behavior you worked on actionable >> and so many people wrote we want to you know we want to work on our act behavior but we want so some of you wrote we want to understand the child's behavior right now how do we understand the child's behavior not by holding the behavior in front we have to understand the behavior with the intentions that's why we say intention is the understanding window or if you want I want to actually go one step ahead. I want to say intention is actually the acceptance window. A lot of people say you know acceptance is the big deal. But what is this acceptance?

116:13 Unless you are connected by with my intention how will you accept me? If you connected only to my behavior one or the other behavior will trigger you off. But when you connect with my intentions that I am trying, I'm exploring, I am learning, I am extending, I am I'm caring for my needs and not for his needs. Then you can be with my you can actually accept me. Think about it. If I if I only operate out of behavior window, how will I somewhere I'll end up not liking the behavior? Now there goes acceptance.

116:48 Poof. So whether you want to understand or accept which is to me very similar because the moment we understand or start understanding somebody acceptance automatically happens but it doesn't happen necessarily the other way around I can't theoretically say oh I will accept you know lanya that does not mean that I will start understanding right just by saying I accept somebody I accept Arpan does not mean that I will understand but the moment I start understanding Arpan I will start accepting him just as we wanted to be accepted in jumping the signal and leaving the tap open or whatever else you want to do.

117:31 At least I misbehave as much as children maybe even more actually. And I also want to be accepted. >> So let me let me elaborate through an example of this. Right. A child is eating a lot of candy. >> I think we have enough enough examples. >> Okay, quick quick quick one. In fact, would like to hear thoughts from the group also. Earlier I would have like why you eating so much candy? It's bad for your teeth and bad for everything.

117:58 Now I understand the child wants to have fun. He enjoy the sweetness. He has the pleasure. So naturally then once I've leveled with him I know he wants to have fun. >> Okay. Okay. Panarpan since you have brought this situation. Let's say I am the I'm the child. I am eating candies. What will you say to me? >> Correct. >> Say something. >> But I think you you love the candies. They are very sweet. They are very they give you happiness. So then uh is that correct? Do you like candies so much?

118:29 They are very sweet. They are very yummy. >> Yes. Apa or whatever or uncle. >> How about I give you how about I give you this homemade jaggery candies. >> Wait wait wait wait. You have already started going. >> Correct. Correct. So my point was I understanding the child but ultimate result still remain the same. So there is like it goes back to mention the parent interview you're still to fixing the child for that you have to go back to inking wait I don't know if you were there with the inging that the child will learn >> that the does the child have the ability to find out what works for me what doesn't work for me but first of all are you on my side see when I when when when you said that ratnes you are you look happy eating these sweet candies. I felt we both were sitting together and looking at this beautiful sweetness of the candies.

119:24 >> But if you jump and say so many candies, these are bad for your teeth. We are opposing each other. You know this way. Otherwise, we are both together. We are both sitting and both looking at the same scenario called sweetness and happiness. Now you are with me. Ladies and gentlemen, we are with the child. Isn't that good enough? Or you want to start? Hey I >> you you can I am not for the 50% of the journey the other 50% was to >> the other 50% you keep I am >> to bring about right behavior >> ah we will that >> that will decide I am not going to talk about that you will not get that I have no idea how to do that I have only ideas of how to connect to understand to accept so Many people say I accept children but when it comes to children they don't accept them because they accept their own beliefs.

120:23 Can we step into the child's windows but for that we need to capture the intention window. So any which way you want to do whatever you want to do after that I don't know interval key story is yours after interval you decide what you want to do I'm talking about before interval can we make the connection can we really understand the child do we even want to be with the child what do we want do we want to fix the child fair enough I have no problem with that please do that in any case you may need to do it in many things please go ahead do whatever you want to do it but I'm not there I'm still with the first step the connection the understanding which will give me relaxed the moment I say >> this gives you sweetness this give you happiness I'm automatically relaxed and because I'm with the child the child is automatically relaxed feeling connected at par if you you know this thing high ground low ground now we are at par where the sweetness happiness I'm remembering my childhood days of sucking on candies endlessly I'm feeling the same happiness and sweetness I had with laddus after ladus the good boy you know >> and then there is togetherness then I'm with the child then there is parity to me that is the definition of respect not like respect as in the word respect but to me respect is when we are aligned we align we are respecting each other there is no disconnection there >> this I completely agree the intent don't agree so much better than no I am honestly genuinely saying >> yeah wait pause pause try it out >> okay let's try it out tomorrow let's go to the child see his intentions talk about the intentions see how she is doing something talk about her intentions if you want so what we used to do is so so intentions are very interesting. So we uh from the sources that I have learned this from they say that uh which is very interesting there are three ways in which can connect with the in intention either you can agree with the intention for example I may say I agree candies are very sweet or and and give lot of happiness or it's it's it's fun to you know it's fun to whatever mingle around with other children and and play around with people or whatever or I can Okay, I respect I respect your need for you know uh whatever having candies or having wanting the sweetness or I can use the word I appreciate I appreciate that you are trying to save your sister. Yeah, in the dog example I appreciate that you're trying to save your sister. Now see if I start with any of these I respect, I agree, I appreciate obviously followed by the intention. You can't do any of these three with the behavior. Correct. We can't say to the bullying behavior I agree with you bullying the child or I respect you for bullying the child.

123:31 Obviously we can't say that but we can say I agree for you with you to having fun or I respect for your need to feel powerful or I appreciate you want to have have have fun in the evening together. So when I use these statements because they are connecting with the intention then what happens? I automatically relax. Then I can see the child as the child is not as how I was seeing 2 minutes before. Now I can connect. Now I can see what I want to do. Maybe do nothing or maybe say a line like like I was saying.

124:09 Hey just take care of the little one. Yeah. Continue having fun because I'm with their intention. Yeah. Or if you want to take care of the teeth. Okay. You can say okay just see that you you don't run into cavities. Okay. Maybe maybe I don't know whatever you will do. However you will do that is later on. Meaning whenever you want to do it, you can do it immediately. 1 hour later, one day year later, one year later, 10 years later, whenever you want. I'm not there with what you want to do with the followup.

124:39 But have we understood the child? Many people say I understand you. >> No, I understand you to me is now coming to two things. One is I understand your feelings. Do we do we give importance to the feelings? And do we give importance to the intentions? And if you want to, you know, still argue about it or still think more about it, which I think you should, just look at your behavior. Anytime you think your intention was bad, go about you don't have to go into a streak. What's your behavior tomorrow?

125:13 Every behavior has a beautiful intention. Every behavior. Even when you smack somebody, even when you kick somebody, even when you, you know, trick somebody, even when you manipulate somebody, everything has a positive intention. You know, it's like that that dad saying, you know, I slap my child because I I wanted to be, you know, help him realize something. Hey, what is his intention? He wants to teach his child a lesson. So now, no more guilty. Your intentions are good. at least even if you smacked your child.

125:49 So, so watch out. Watch out. First, let's start with our behavior. Forget forget everybody else. Let's start with our behavior. Let's start with our intentions. And when we see throughout the day, our intentions are are only positive. Then you come back and tell me, I've watched 13 of my behaviors and in 13 how many were of positive intention? And then you tell me what do you think about this? Then we have really started understanding ourselves and then we'll start understanding the child and then whatever else you want to do about fixing please buy quick fix.

126:30 Oops we are at 104. Sorry I didn't realize the time. Okay. Any quick quick thoughts? Well, one did was your thought answered or not answered or you still want to share it now or later maybe whenever you want. >> The question kind of went away. I mean the first 15 20 minutes I wanted to run away from the session. I even tried but um thank you Ratn. >> Welcome. >> But I do have a question. So um you talked about intentions.

127:04 >> Mhm. Uh yes, intention is one thing that drives our behavior. >> Mhm. >> But on the other side is also helplessness. My mother asks me to lock the door every day and I forget to turn the light off outside >> and I want to it's not that I don't want to do it. I want to do it. >> So but sometimes uh >> Yeah. Yeah. So your intention is good. That's exactly. So that's that's for your mom to understand you and for you to understand yourself and say my intention is good. I still keep forgetting. It's okay. I'm seeing it like you well one I have to forget 100 things and here children slap me meaning not physically slap me they keep say uncle you can't even keep your one cap in place right every day how much scolding I get you come and stay with me you will see how much scoldings I get but both of us are happy with each other's intentions so there is no problem I don't need to feel bad about myself yes that's okay there are so many other things I remember right well one I'm sure you remember 100 things in terms of taking care of your mom or yourself or your other family members or the world around you. So that's okay.

128:09 It's not that we are trying to be perfect but we are if we are with our intentions we don't bate ourselves. We don't need to bate anybody else. We don't need to hate anybody else. Thank you. Then we can work out of understanding.

128:52 Okay, let's end this with a story. Small story. Uh there was this uh kind of a monastery where there was a you know retreat being held and uh on consciousness or whatever whatever you know how these monasteries announced these beautiful peace of mind and all of those kind of retreats. So about 100 150 people were there who had joined the retreat and then this crowd of 150 people started realizing that one of them is a thief and he's stealing belongings from different people's luggage. You know they were all staying together in that monastery. So they approached the monastery officials, they approached the main monk and they all said okay okay we will we will take care we'll take care. But they did nothing.

129:36 Okay. So after some time you know whole lot of people got very agitated and they said what is this our stealing is happening this is happening. So they when when the evening when they were all supposed to meet together they all stood up and you know faced the main monk and said that you know we are leaving if you don't do anything about this. You see what the mean monk said? He said surely uh if you all are learned, you all already know uh what is right, what is wrong. Okay.

130:09 But our our our poor man still are working on himself and I would rather be with him than with you all because you already learned it. So please carry on. I will stay with him and work with him. That's the story. Thank you. Have a good night's sleep with all your intentions and all your ringings.

130:52 Thank you. Thank you. >> Thank you. >> Thank you. Thank you. >> Thank you so much. >> Yeah. Thank you, Rish.