# Parental Favorites: What to Do When Your Child Only Wants One Parent **Creator:** The Mom Psychologist **Platform:** youtube **Duration:** 15m **Source:** https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3UjUhjXpJpE ## Summary Toddlers often exhibit favoritism towards one parent or caregiver due to their developmental need for attachment and independence. This behavior can be influenced by the amount of time spent with each caregiver, the child's desire for control, and the comfort they feel in their relationships. Understanding these dynamics can help parents navigate feelings of rejection and foster stronger connections with their children. - Toddlers are blunt and impulsive, often playing favorites with caregivers. - Attachment theory explains that children attach to the caregiver they spend the most time with. - Favoritism can reflect a child's need for independence and control over their environment. - A child's preference may also stem from a stronger bond or intuitive understanding with one parent. - Rejection from a child can indicate a secure attachment, as they feel safe expressing their preferences. - Parents should avoid taking favoritism personally and focus on understanding their child's needs. - Spending one-on-one time with the unfavored parent can strengthen the relationship. - Discipline should ideally be shared among caregivers to provide consistent messages to the child. ## Transcript [[0:00]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3UjUhjXpJpE&t=0s) it's no secret toddlers are wildly blunt and honest they will let you know what's on their mind they are also incredibly impulsive they tend to be more self-focused and they crave independence like nobody's business so for all of these reasons and more it is incredibly common for toddlers and preschoolers to play favorites [Music] hey all what's up welcome back to my channel if you are new here i am dr [[0:31]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3UjUhjXpJpE&t=31s) jasmine i am a clinical psychologist wife mom of two little girls author parent educator and founder of my private parent coaching community called the mom sisterhood and if you are new here around here we talk about parenting especially especially positive parenting child development and how to keep our own sanity as parents so if this is your jam just be sure to stick around subscribe to my channel for more i post every week and before we get [[0:59]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3UjUhjXpJpE&t=59s) into this video i just want to share with you i have a free resource called my positive parenting checklist bundle which is full of checklists that you can easily print and leave and stick around the house wherever you see fit to remind you of how to best show up for the most difficult parenting moments like tantrums aggression not listening um and all kinds of other issues how to increase our patience how to combat our own anger and frustration [[1:25]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3UjUhjXpJpE&t=85s) as parents so we can show up um as the parents that we want to be so the link will be in the description or the comments section and if you want it's just the mompsychologist.com forward slash bundle to grab those checklists for free okay so let's get into this video because this is a common question i get is how the heck do i handle when my child is playing sides either they only want me or they only want another [[1:54]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3UjUhjXpJpE&t=114s) caregiver or my spouse right how do i navigate these things so first before i get into those practical tips i want to just talk about why they do it in the first place because i feel like it's really important to start there because commonly it's so easy to take this behavior personally right it's so easy to feel like we are being rejected and that's gonna color how we respond in these situations right and then actually it can work to reinforce [[2:21]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3UjUhjXpJpE&t=141s) this behavior that we don't like in the first place so let's lay a foundation here let's talk about why um our young child is doing this and one of the biggest things is that you know our children need to attach right they need to attach to us a caregiver um this is called attachment right attachment science um and there's secure attachment and there's insecure attachment i'm glad to make another video about attachment if you guys are interested in let me know [[2:48]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3UjUhjXpJpE&t=168s) in the comments below but children need to attach right this is based on their own survival and evolution in general and so what that means is that they're going to typically attach to the caregiver who they are with the most so this is common now this is not every situation of course but commonly what happens is if your child is mostly with you or maybe mostly with somebody else they are going to attach to that person and [[3:12]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3UjUhjXpJpE&t=192s) has nothing to do with you right per se has nothing to do with you it's more of the fact that they are with that person more and so they are just naturally going to attach with that caregiver okay um also another a really important um thing to know about young children especially toddlers and preschoolers is that they need and they crave independence this stage of their life is all about finding their own identity and learning more about themselves [[3:43]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3UjUhjXpJpE&t=223s) learning more about their environment and their place in the environment and so they crave independence and what that means is they want to exert their opinions right they want to tell you what they want and what they don't want what they need and what they don't need what they like and what they don't like right this is because they are they are fixated on finding their own identity and gaining more independence and and telling your opinion is a great way [[4:09]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3UjUhjXpJpE&t=249s) to exert some control and exert some independence and so an opinion of hey i want to be with you i want to be with you mommy i don't want to be with you daddy or i want to be with you daddy i don't want to be with you mommy or i want to be with you grandma i don't want to be with you right whoever right it's it's a way to exert their own independence and their [[4:26]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3UjUhjXpJpE&t=266s) own control which we all have a healthy need for control which i always talk about on my channel but it's so true and if we can kind of come from that place and normalize that hey we're all craving control from one extent to another it can help us show up you know best for our child another reason why uh children will play parental favorites is that sometimes it's because one parent tends to do things that work more [[4:54]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3UjUhjXpJpE&t=294s) in particular with the child right they tend to kind of understand or they just have this you know understanding this bond um and they kind of just can know in an intuitive sometimes nature what works and what doesn't and so the child will pick up on that and naturally prefer that parrot and an example for you and this kind of goes to just overall family structure routine is when we welcomed our little one um who is there 15 months apart so when we [[5:26]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3UjUhjXpJpE&t=326s) welcomed the youngest to the family well we naturally had to divide and conquer me and my husband right and so i was with the baby and my husband was with our toddler and so we kind of you know we split the the the responsibilities there and so naturally what happened was my oldest tended to prefer um her dad right because she was counseling with him they were doing the routines he intuitively knew you know all you [[5:54]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3UjUhjXpJpE&t=354s) know all of the things all the preferences and stuff and so i wasn't surprised but of course it made me feel some type of way sometimes but she would prefer her dad and it's still kind of like that where you know they have you know they each have their own little bonds and it naturally just works itself out and so it necessarily doesn't have to do with your own failure as a parent right um but it's just kind of how the [[6:18]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3UjUhjXpJpE&t=378s) relationship goes okay another reason why children play favorites is that it's a sign that they feel confident in the relationship with the parent they are rejecting this is really important and i think this really will help you shift your perspective uh when our child is rejecting us or or acting out it's a sign i know it doesn't feel good in the moment a lot of the times but it's a sign that they feel so comfortable so secure with us [[6:46]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3UjUhjXpJpE&t=406s) that they know we're not to go anywhere they know that if we reject if they reject us that we're going to still be there at the end of the day we're still going to love them unconditionally right if you think about it when they're outside in other environments let's say school well they're working all day really hard to keep it together right they're working really hard to keep it together to behave to learn to grow to play to make new friends [[7:08]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3UjUhjXpJpE&t=428s) and so when they get home they're like oh i can finally be myself i can finally let loose a little bit i can finally say no a lot of times that happens right um which i don't want to go on a tangent on some other things but i just want you to know and i want you to walk away feeling especially if you are the rejected parent right now that that is a sign that your child [[7:29]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3UjUhjXpJpE&t=449s) feels secure in the relationship they know that you're not going anywhere and i know it doesn't feel good in the moment but sometimes just trusting in that um and and knowing that is is will help you show up in the best way possible and then the last reason here is that um or the last thing that i want to mention is that sometimes it can be really hard to figure out why your child is playing favorites of course i gave you a lot of [[7:55]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3UjUhjXpJpE&t=475s) different reasons why but just know this is not an exhaustive list and that you know it's okay right it's okay if you don't understand because it can be based on so many different factors like gender sex um temperament and personality it could be dependent on the situation or the context like how i did i earlier described with my own family right um and so these things can change over time and it can be different um and so it can be linked to so many [[8:24]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3UjUhjXpJpE&t=504s) things um and so just know that i think what's the most important though and what i want you guys to walk away with is how to best show up for these moments okay so let's get into that it's like what to actually do what are some quick things to keep in mind so the first thing and what i've been saying is try not to take this personally try not to get jealous if you are the if you are the parent who [[8:47]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3UjUhjXpJpE&t=527s) is being rejected right now try not to take it personal because it oftentimes has nothing to do with you okay um and actually when you get that way when you become jealous or you become frustrated or resentful um or you take it personally it can actually reinforce these dynamics right and so something that may have started naturally or because of your child's developmental you know aging stage or whatever can actually turn into something that is [[9:18]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3UjUhjXpJpE&t=558s) reinforced and can can linger because of your own feelings your own reaction to the situation right if you are you know getting upset or asking questions why why don't you want me to do this or no you know getting frustrated in that moment which i understand right i understand i've been there um but it can actually reinforce it can make it so that um these things will just occur right and continue to occur in the relationship so you don't want to do [[9:45]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3UjUhjXpJpE&t=585s) that okay or you want to avoid to you want to try to catch yourself as much as possible and instead ask yourself what can i learn here right what is this moment trying to teach me or what is my child trying to communicate in this moment that they of what they need or what they want right and what works for my child what is working for my child um and how can i help them through this [[10:09]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3UjUhjXpJpE&t=609s) this situation this moment okay that's a better question to ask instead of uh why me or why are you treating me like this right it's what does my child need here or what is the lesson for me in this moment okay um and keep in mind kids change their mind often as we all do right um and so they're still learning about relationships and they're still learning about their place in the family and they're they're susceptible to [[10:35]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3UjUhjXpJpE&t=635s) change their mind so just know these things will come and go maybe one day or one season they prefer uh mom and then another season they prefer another caregiver or your spouse or your co-parent it all ebbs and flows and works itself out in the end okay so keep that in mind that this very well could just be a season and that the best thing you can do is not to take it personally okay now if you are the unfavored [[10:59]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3UjUhjXpJpE&t=659s) caregiver or parent what i want you to work on doing is trying to spend as much one-on-one playtime with your child as possible okay so i know sometimes you know your your schedules might be super busy but you really want to place an emphasis on working towards just adding more connection time maybe you guys have a weekly date right on the weekends where you guys go and just do something go to the park or wherever um where it's just youtube right where [[11:29]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3UjUhjXpJpE&t=689s) you can work on just having some more bonding time right um get in the game as much as possible basically is the message for you um because also what this does is it alleviates the parent who is the favored parent it alleviates their load right it takes some some pressure some responsibility off of them and make you know and so that will also help the situation not only will it help the connection relationship um and it'll help you feel better about [[11:58]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3UjUhjXpJpE&t=718s) it but it'll also help the other parent who is the one that is being favored in this in this moment or this season okay um and the other thing to remember is that discipline um should be between all caregivers and parents ideally right and that it shouldn't just be one parent who's doing the discipline and one parent that's sitting back and watching right that ideally both parents are equally involved in discipline which means to teach um [[12:27]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3UjUhjXpJpE&t=747s) and i have so many videos about discipline if that's an area that you're struggling with but just keep that in mind ideally speaking all caregivers are involved in the discipline process so that it's not just one person trying to handle that okay that'll be very important not only for that parent right to feel like they're supported but it's also important for the child to know that the message is consistent across all caregivers ideally i know this is not something that's doable for [[12:54]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3UjUhjXpJpE&t=774s) every situation every family context and i realize that but this is just ideally speaking this is the what we're striving for always and then you know i want to say if you are the one that's the the unfavored unfavorite parent if you will try not to demand or push back in that situation when they are you know rejecting you in that moment or it feels like rejection i should say um so avoid forcing your child um [[13:23]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3UjUhjXpJpE&t=803s) to like you or connect with you right of avoid forcing them to hug you or do anything of that nature right you want to let this come naturally and you want to ultimately send the message hey i love you unconditionally kid i will be here when you're ready no no you know no upset feelings i'm not taking this personally i know this doesn't have anything to do with me on the back end i'm gonna work on [[13:48]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3UjUhjXpJpE&t=828s) spending more time with you i'm gonna work on just picking up any cues or any subtle preferences i'm gonna do my best but ultimately it's okay it's okay if i'm not the favorite i don't take it personally i know that you love me and i love you and um i know that this is probably more than likely just a season okay but i know in the back of my mind that the best way for me to not make [[14:13]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3UjUhjXpJpE&t=853s) this a prolonged issue is for me not to take this personally not for me to demand or or put force on the situation because remember children have a healthy need for control and oftentimes this parental favorite is for them to exercise that so the last thing you want to do is to get into a power struggle with them and start demanding you know things demand oh do you love me or give me a hug or what [[14:36]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3UjUhjXpJpE&t=876s) what's going on why don't you like me right you don't want to play into any of those dynamics because it's a lose-lose i promise you it's a lose-lose and i'm sure you've already felt that right that that doesn't really work and so overall you want to constantly reaffirm your unconditional love for your child and that you understand you want to be sure to spend lots of one-on-one time with the child and then you want to make sure that the discipline [[15:02]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3UjUhjXpJpE&t=902s) responsibilities are split evenly ideally and that they're balanced in the best way possible in the best way that makes sense for your unique family in your situation i hope this video was helpful leave any other questions you have about this topic or just parenting motherhood in general i'm always listening in on your questions and what you guys want to see more of from me again don't forget that free resource which is my positive parenting checklist bundle all the links will be [[15:29]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3UjUhjXpJpE&t=929s) down below in the description and the comment section if you got any value from this video make sure you give it a thumbs up subscribe to my channel and i will see you guys in the next one bye