We Can Do Hard Things Crossover

0:00 I'm Dr Becky and this is good inside so I just put out a book and as part of my book tour I talked to a lot of different people on a lot of different podcasts maybe one of my all-time favorites was being a guest on we can do hard things the podcast hosted by Glenn and Doyle Abby wach and Amanda Doyle if you haven't heard of we can do hard things definitely go check it out wait wait wait not right now cuz you're

0:30 here and I have an amazing episode for you I asked the good inside Community for questions they wanted the four of us to discuss and that's exactly what we're going to do together in this episode let's jump in right after this I have Miss Amanda Doyle Miss Glennon Doyle and Miss Abby wach right here we're all waving as if you could see us but because we're all excited so if you want to wave back and you're not

0:57 driving please do and the other really special thing about this episode is that I went to the Goodside membership Community to Source questions and we received so many amazing questions for Abby and Amanda and Glennon and really I just want to jump in and hear from them so you can hear their brilliant answers no pressure all right let's jump into questions I am really curious what you're going to say to Brook's question so let's hear from

1:28 Brooke hey hey Dr Becky and hey Glennon Abby and Amanda I listen to both of your podcasts regularly and love them my name is Brooke I have a six-year-old son and a three-year-old daughter and I would love to know what is the best parenting decision that you ever made do you all want me to go first I can go first okay so I don't know if you're GNA have to like cut this answer I don't know this is what we were

1:58 expecting but think that with a lot of um Nuance I would say that the the most important parenting decision I ever made was to get divorced I I was in a really broken marriage to a good man which is a tricky place to be because we're all supposed to be grateful for what we have right and um much ensued I fell in love I almost didn't go for what for you for Abby I almost didn't follow

2:30 the great love of my life because I was so afraid to hurt my children I was raised in a family that was together that was never divorced and divorce was considered to be such a failure in my mind and um one day I was looking at my daughter and I've told the story in the book but I just remember thinking oh I'm staying in this marriage for her but would I want this marriage for her and I realized that I was modeling

2:59 bad love for my children and calling that good parenting and that was because I had this idea in my head that a mother was a martyr right that we just do whatever we have to do to avoid our children having any discomfort and so I I did well I guess I just decided I have to to if she came to me in 20 years and described this marriage to me and then said Mommy what should I do what would I say to her and

3:29 I would say to her get the hell out you have one life you know what to do and so I got divorced came out as queer married Abby and it was really messy and hard and horrific as divorce always is in the beginning and I think that in the end what happened is that our kids learned that we are true to ourselves even when it causes discomfort to other people and that we have decided together that a a broken family is any family

4:02 regardless of structure even if they're still together well where people have to break themselves to fit in and that a whole family regardless of whatever structure it is whether it's a single parent whether it's divorce whether whatever it is is any family regardless of structure where everybody gets to bring their full selves to the table and I think that our family is messy and weird and and imperfect but it is a place where everybody gets to be thems elves even if

4:30 it makes everybody else uncomfortable and even if there's a constant rebalancing of the collective so that I think getting divorced and coming out were my best parenting decisions which would interestingly enough didn't have anything to do with direct parenting but did I I don't know if it's a decision as much is it's a constant effort to redecide on a daily basis um that is my answer

5:03 but I think the most powerful thing to me as a perfectionist performer person and that has brought a lot of good and a lot of pain into my life is practicing the decision on a daily basis that my kids triumphs and quote unquote successes and achievement are not a reflection of me and that

5:35 their behavior and struggle are not a referendum on me because I think that that when I look underneath my reactions to some of their struggles what is really driving that is that I think that it is re seats of me failing to parent them correctly and

6:05 then when I take away the me centeredness of everything their struggles and their triumphs are their own and I can just react and be with them and guide them through that as their own thing instead of taking the perspective that this is either something I've done or failed to do and I think it allows me to actually be in relation ship with them instead of being in relationship with myself via them oh

6:36 that's good that's really good I would say the my favorite parenting decision or my best parenting decision was when I made a mistake early on in our marriage with a child with a kid I didn't go and comfort her I I had like the i parented in the way I was parented kind of an avoidance you know our kid was having knee pain injury and I was just kind of like suck it up sort of thing and I Glennon and I were

7:07 talking about it in bed that night and I was like I just don't feel that good about it and Glennon she suggested maybe I talk to Emma about it tomorrow and I looked at her confused I was like what like like a parent like I'm going to apologize to a child like that had never happened in my life I had never known that that was even a possibility and so the next morning I prepare my whole

7:32 speech in my head during the night and I talk to Emma and I tell her all the reasons why I didn't respond in the in the way that I wished I had responded and I was so sorry and that I would keep working on it in the future and of course she was like you know getting ready for school and she was like yeah no problem like it was no big deal to her but the art of repair had been

7:52 something that I had never experienced or practiced before so I think that that has helped me learn how to constantly go back and try to repair things that I've done faults that I've had issues that I've made in our kids lives cool and being in therapy I think the best decision any parent can make is just be in therapy themselves which I always tell my community weekly therapy like me me too like I just always want

8:20 to make sure everyone knows that and not to like be like look at how amazing I am like no I don't have it all figured out therapy is hugely helpful for me and when I think about my best parenting decision I guess I'm thinking like what has been some of the most impactful ones and I feel like when my kids are struggling the decision like nothing's wrong with my kid I and I I really really do believe

8:46 that like so much comes from these two pasts like am I looking at my kid and they feel it y like they're a bad kid doing bad things or am I looking at my kid like they're a good kid having a hard time time and especially with one of my my deeply feeling kid it was a struggle in those oh my those Tantrums The animalistic the Caged animal the the viciousness and just deciding over and

9:20 over in the moment as much as I could after in the way me and my husband would talk about it and how i' talk about it with friends and what I thought to do I have a good kid I have a good kid I have a good kid good kid and and like trying to decide that just over and over I think that would have made a big difference for me I think I had a beautiful family I also had parents who

9:44 I think were afraid of me I think I had parents who were afraid of me and who were trying to protect me but what I always felt like they were doing is trying to protect me from myself which made me afraid of me and so my entire life has been trying to figure out that am I bad am I bad am I bad and so I I think that that is everything you're good well these kids these deeply

10:11 feeling kids which I know you identify and there's a lot of us deeply feeling adults like that that is such a core thing in our approach for these kids or my passion project that even saying to kids in those moments I say this to I recommend all the time and people tell me their kids the way they look when they hear these words it is everything I am not scared of you right now I am not scared of how you're feeling

10:31 I'm not scared of how big they are that's why I'm staying here I know you're screaming at me to get out you don't have to like it I'm not scared I'm sitting here I don't even have to look at you but we are going to get through this together and your presence and you're showing them exactly the feelings that overwhelm you aren't actually so toxic and destructive in the world and if you can't show that to your kid of

10:51 course they can't internalize that about themselves it's everything and you can say that even if you don't feel it it's Tri what if you're no I mean that really honestly like if you like sometimes I I naturally get scared when I don't know what to do because I feel like in 95% of my life I know what to do and sometimes I feel like I hide from parenting because it is the one area that I don't know how to do

11:21 exceptionally and so when I'm in those situations I am a I not necessarily afraid of them I'm afraid of how I feel in that situation CU I don't know what to Doh so two things one shorter one longer I'm sending you my deeply feeling kids workshop and bring the tissues and bring the pause button because you'll have to digest it but like it I mean this more than I would say about anything else I do it will change it

11:46 will change your conceptualization and it will change your sense of knowing what to do and when you're overwhelmed it's very different to say to a kid in those moments you are crazy or I can't stay here when you're acting this way versus saying I I need a moment I love you you're a good kid I'm going outside and I'll check on you in a few minutes totally different totally different and that is another way of kind of removing

12:12 the I'm too much for people and removing the blame because you're you're owning that and then I really think with these deeply feeling kids the more you actually understand their core fears the more clarity you have and then the more clarity you have the more you can use those skills in the moment all right let's hear from Kristen this is a good one hi my name is Kristen and I'm so excited that Glenn and Abby and Amanda

12:32 are here uh my question is about faith and religion I know the three of you are raised in somewhat stricter religious environments and have chosen not to continue that with your kids so what does that look like I want to pass on my faith to my children while making sure that they don't soak up any poison in the pews thank you oh god um literally yeah right I mean I'll tell you my things they're not necessar really right or you

13:00 know they might feel awful to some people and good to some people I don't know I mean I am a person with such wild passionate Fierce Faith do I know what that means no can I put it into words anymore no does it have a religion no but I had some point had to get to the point where I had to lose my religion to keep keep my faith because

13:30 it kept getting bigger than whatever container I was trying to put it in okay I have my kids I have in the be I was a Sunday school teacher okay so I would go to every new church and then I would be scared about what the Sunday school teacher was going to teach my kids about God so then I would become the Sunday school teacher and then everybody else was terrified about what I was going to

13:50 teach their kids about God which I preferred so my I had a child and I want you to picture this like I would be teaching the Sunday School in front of the whole church congregation because we did part of the lesson in front of everybody and so I would be reading a passage you know like about Jonah or something okay and you know he got swallowed by a whale okay and allegedly allegedly Alle well listen so my kid my

14:18 child would raise her hand in front of the whole church while I was reading the scripture and I would not call on her because I knew that she was going to mess me up yeah she's a hair tick yeah and so she would wave her hand and wave her hand and then I would start to look ridiculous so I would go what and she would go so Mom so you're telling us that this guy got swallowed by a

14:45 whale and lived in the whale and then got spit out and and I would just be sitting there and I would go I guess so do not rely on your own understanding right exactly so here's what I think I think that if you can find a religion to share with your children that is not based upon them doubting themselves what I have found about a lot of religion is that in order to keep the collective what is taught to the person

15:18 is do not lean on your own understanding this is what I was taught the heart is wicked God works in mysterious ways so whenever you have an instinct a knowing a personal then you are taught no it's like sometimes religion can be a per a complete gaslighting right of the self to in order to buy into the collective and that is also what a cult is so what I decided was that I kept trying to tell

15:44 my children what Rel what faith was as if it was math okay like I could tell it to them and my our family's Faith Life opened up very much when I stopped telling them and I started asking them yes I ask my children stories I mean questions about what they think about God what they think about the afterlife what they think about this what God is to them now what faith means can they put it into words and they have the most

16:11 beautiful answers and it starts beautiful questions and conversations that the answer to all of those questions is we don't freaking know yeah so let's have beautiful conversations about how we all don't know and how we just have beautiful guesses and um faith is more like an art than a than math yeah and so there are no answers there are just beautiful questions that we can all ask together yeah and just because you have a specific Faith or religious angling

16:43 doesn't mean your kid will right like we all do get indoctrinated by our parents as much as the churches and the temples and all of the institutions in religion and so just make sure that it's their choice I think that that's when our kids talk to us about their faith I'm like that is so cool because I don't I don't have it I was indoctrinated Catholic you know was told I was going to hell so I

17:07 was like [ __ ] you religion and now I'm like curious about I'm like that makes sense to me I could get on board with that so it's kind of like this they're teaching us now and if you do choose a religion please God make sure that it's one that is not accidentally or purposefully teaching your children that anybody on Earth is out of God's favor or is flawed one of the things I think is so revolutionary about Dr Becky's

17:36 work is the good inside framework because that can sound soft and it is not what I learned in Christianity is that I was bad inside original sin the idea that we are all especially women put here to lead people astray and that our Badness is inherent in us and that we are shameful feeling and being taught that you were bad inside is something that it takes a lifetime to recover from and in a lot of institutional religion women

18:07 gay people people of color a lot of religions are just patriarchy in concrete and with a god decal on top and so make sure that if you're bringing PE your children to pews or to wherever you're bringing them that you actually believe what is being taught because it's being em bibed into them whether you know it or not and it is not okay to bring your kids to a place where you I don't know how many people I know who

18:38 bring their kids to churches where women aren't allowed to to to teach and speak and then they don't actually believe that but what are you teaching your kids by doing that so be intentional about it there is a whole theory that is in spite of the in spite of the I I love 90% of it there's just this 10% that I have to overlook because there's so much good of it and I think it's important to

19:04 be real careful about that because you are an adult human that can make those distinctions and a child may not be able to so if you are asking them to swallow the 90% the 10% is going down with it and that's very very hard to get out and the studies that have shown that it's actually much harder for for people who come out later to recover precisely because the 90% was so good they really

19:38 feel disembodied and cut off from their communities and from the safety of their home base two other things about it I think there's also this idea of like well it's all or nothing like our kids are either going to have a faith and that means we have to find a church and get involved in it or they won't have any of that and I was a kid who was very that was a big deal to me when I was

20:03 young like I would pray all the time it was a source of comfort for me it was a source of peace for me when I was a little kid I would get scared and I would pray and so I think that it is really cool to think about like what Glendon is thinking about that it isn't All or Nothing it isn't like that you can be talking about those things be even suggesting that there might be a

20:26 source of power and comfort for them and a way of processing the world around them that isn't tied to this whole other structure and then I also just throw out because I think that people don't think about this as much talking about our bodies and sex and sexuality is such an important piece of all of this and so yes to the lgbtq affirming yes to the having leaders of color having women of

20:57 color having women and it's also be very very careful about the messages that your kids are receiving about their body and their desire and their worthiness and what about them has value because that sets up like we are our bodies and so you cannot say that you are teaching people that they are good and that their bodies are bad and you're

21:27 teaching them that they can have everything that they want in life and that all of their dreams and their desires can come true and that they need to kill the part of them that has desire and it it's just I have spent a lifetime trying to undo that piece and I haven't done it and I think that it is very important to not Overlook that piece of what you're learning in churches that's good so on

21:58 this topic of bodies I'd love to hear from another member from Genevie hi my name is Genevie and I'm mom to three-year-old Adelaide and one-year-old Eva and something I'd love to hear from you all about is I've really just been feeling the weight of responsibility when it comes to raising these two girls and just believe so strongly as does my partner that we want them to be raised from an early age knowing that they are Made for More and

22:30 just to have the space to grow up untamed and just to be able to embody that and have this be that safe and supportive space and at the same time I know that as they are increasingly out in the world they'll be exposed to spaces and to voices and experiences that give other messages like Diet culture and kind of patriarchal structures and all of those things and so would love to hear from you all kind

23:00 of what you think about that and maybe any experiences that you've had with those situations yourself I haven't had any of those experiences no no experiences like that I think we should move to the next question no I'm good I'm good I'm good jenevie um I just sometimes feel like I shouldn't have named that book Untamed it should have been UNAM because it just feels like nobody's untamed and I sure as hell I'm not and it's just an

23:26 actually a process each day to enter as opposed to something that you can be or not um I can tell you some things that I feel like we did right with our kids the first thing that I would say that I to Genevie is that if I could do anything over it wouldn't have been anything I said or didn't say to my girls or or boy it would have been that I would have had myself in therapy about all of this

23:55 earlier like I I wish wish that I I there I was saying all the right things with this there is nobody there is no parent out there who wasn't saying more Untamed things to my kids I just accident had raging body issues the whole time so perhaps had I in all seriousness I wish that since our kids don't take in as much what we say as

24:26 what we are I wish that I had been working harder earlier on my own taming what I will say that we did that seems to have manifested in our kids so far is that I always think about that quote that probably isn't true but the one about all the water in the world can't sink a ship unless it gets inside and sometimes I think about the toxic messages about women being just all the water in the world it's the it's the we

24:53 can't even see it because it's the water we swim in we're like fish and we're in it and we don't know it because it's incessant and it's like in every single thing that anyone says to us and it's in on every billboard it's in every commercial and it's in it's everywhere and so one of the things we try to do is I that everywhere really made me very sick as a kid and still and I'm still trying to

25:17 get unick about it because it all got in because I couldn't see it and so one of the things we're try to do with the kids is make everything that's invisible visible which means we did did the opposite opposite of what I think we tend to do as parents which is try to hope they don't notice it and turn it away from them and turn the commercial off and turn them away from the billboard and and instead we would

25:37 always Point them straight toward it we would like stop and be like oh my gosh you guys look at that billboard look at that magazine what do you think that magazine is trying to tell you about what what kind of woman's body is valuable and you know they would start thinking like oh it looks like they're saying that white bodies are more valuable or like skinny bodies blonde bodies or whatever it was it was like they started to develop this

26:03 Consciousness or they were becoming wise consumers of things as opposed to just swallowing everything whole and I think like in the they got they got pissed for a while I think in this culture little girls either get really pissed or really sick and so we chose pissed and now they're older and they're critical of the culture they're in and I think that they're less self-critical because of that and one thing I've noticed recently is their take on body

26:34 positivity which in lots of ways is as toxic as all the other [ __ ] my daughter told me that she didn't even know that her cellulite was a problem until she saw this big thing online that said love your cellulite your cellulite is not a problem # body positivity and she was like well holy hell I didn't even know right so we have to analyze the body positivity just as much as we analyzed all the negativity which is a whole

27:03 another layer but I guess making the invisible visible and getting ourselves into therapy is my takes I think it's also just all day long I think it's you know reading the books noticing the pronouns that are used when we talk I mean I was we were playing a new card game the other day with my daughter and she was so excited to play it and got out the directions and it was like when the

27:33 first player goes he passes three cards to his left yeah then the second player he gives four cards to the third player and she was like why would they assume that the person playing this is a he I mean it's just the I think I think we think exactly like Glennon said that it's going to overwhelm them and hurt them and kill a little part of their spirit that we identify the truth of how

28:04 ragingly male heteronormative the world is but it's not like they're not going to notice and in fact if they don't notice that's worse because if they don't notice by the time they realize they don't fit into the system they think it's because of their deficiency but if we can say yeah this is bogus that this say says he and it shouldn't be that and so we like wrote a little email to the person yes turn it into action yes I mean I will

28:36 she crosses out all the time on the back on books that she's reading if it says he she crosses out and says slash she on all the books she's reading so she's she's putting herself where the world is not putting her and and I think that that I mean the question before about religion like if you do choose to go to church great trust yourself and your decision that you've made on that that's awesome and then if something comes up during a

29:06 sermon if your child wants to know why father why son like maybe we can talk about that maybe we can talk about why is God a father how come maybe um and and I think just naming it is so huge and naming the places where you still struggle is huge because they aren't missing that either yeah and it's it's like what Dr Becky always teaches us it's like if you are noticing it you are

29:37 not it if they are not not noticing it then that's then they are it but it's like what we talked about with when you notice your anger you know suddenly you're not the anger you're the wiser thing if our kid is noticing it that means they are not it which is the whole shebang that's good and also not identifi like the assumptions we had a conversation with Hannah gadsby and she was talking about how a really

30:02 moving thing where her mother who had a hard time because of culturally the way they grew up with her coming out later in life and that she she came around to saying that her greatest regret was Raising her assuming raising her as if she was a straight girl and I think we do a lot of that the the the realization I came from from a place of is that I was Raising neurod Divergent children as

30:34 if they were neurotypical so I was projecting on them the way they were experiencing the world and trying to protect them from it but that was not the way they were going through the world and I think that we do a damage when we assume anything with my daughter all the time or my son I'll say do you have any crush on any boys or girls or do you like is there anybody out there you have a crush on or who would you

31:02 like to and and just not making assumptions because assumptions are burdens to them that they have to it's it is an expect an assumption is an expectation that they will either live up to or will have to come and confront you and let you know you weren't right about that and that's not a burden you want to give them and the one thing I want to add there for everyone listening okay is a lot of times we think we have to know

31:29 something or be able to fix something as a parent to talk to our kids about right this diet culture right patriarchal structure I don't think any of us task ourselves with single-handedly fixing that or knowing everything and actually that's the stuff our kids need us most so just to raise a question hey what is that why do they have he there what what is going on there you notice that and again I think we say and then what

31:49 that's it that's it you've done the thing as long as you can question something the water doesn't flood in you've already kept it outside so to end one last question it'll be short answer I'm big on mantras right I think a go-to mantra for me related to the stuff I'm working on is always like Becky right now you're doing enough you're doing exactly what you need to be doing when i'm trying to not maybe be productive

32:13 and I'm curious if each of you could share I don't know some type of Mantra or message that you feel like in your own you know personal development Journeys a quick one like one sentence that you might say to yourself we can do hard things mine is you don't need to suffer to succeed mine I'm working on is things can come easy to me because I think that I try to earn the good things I have by

32:45 suffering for them and Glennon said something earlier on that don't worry so much about raising good kids that you forget get you already have them that we can just rest in ease that our kids are good that we are good that good things can come to us without manufacturing all of the suffering for

33:20 it thanks for listening to share a story or ask me a question go to good inside.com SLP podcast you could also write me at podcast atg good inside.com parenting is the hardest and most important job in the world and parents deserve resources and support so they feel empowered confident and connected I'm so excited to share good inside membership the first platform that brings together content and experts

33:50 you trust with a global community of like valued parents it's totally gamechanging good inside with Dr Becky is produced by Jesse Baker and Eric nuum at magnificent noise our production staff includes Sabrina fary Julia Nat and Kristen meller I would also like to thank Erica abelski Mary panaco Ashley Valenzuela and the rest of the good inside team and One Last Thing Before I

34:20 Let You Go let's end by placing our hands on our hearts and reminding ourselves even as I struggle and even as I have a hard time on the outside I remain good inside [Music]