Can a Child Be Too Attached? Debunking the Myth | Gordon Neufeld

0:00 There's this idea in our society that children can be too attached. It's a dreadful idea. Uh the short answer is absolutely not. A child can be too insecurely attached. A child can be too superficially attached. If you think of plants, it becomes obvious. Can a plant be too attached? No. A plant can be too insecurely attached through its roots. A plant can be too superficially attached. What has given us this idea that a child can be too attached is when a child is too preoccupied with attachments. And children become preoccupied with attachments when there's no release from them. It's just like physical hunger. A child would become totally preoccupied with physical hunger if they were not full. But would we go around saying that uh the child is too hungry? Of course, we wouldn't say the child is too hungry.

0:46 Our job would be to fulfill the hunger that is preoccupying them. Exactly the same thing with attachment. If we fulfill the attachment needs of children, they would be released from it. Just like in hunger, such a child is not preoccupied by it. The second idea that has generated this myth that children can be too attached uh is the fact that we've confused attachment with simply physical contact and closeness. And so we think that a child is too attached if they cannot separate from us physically. But in actual fact, the opposite is true. If a child is deeper attached through sameness, through significance, attached through a sense of belonging, of loyalty, uh emotionally through emotional intimacy or feels known, they have many ways of holding on when physically apart. And that's the answer. Just like is one too attached to one's spouse? No. One could be too superficially attached or too insecurely attached. But the more deeply attached uh a child is, the more they can they can separate physically.