iPad Moms & Unlimited Screens – Why Parents Are Choosing Tablets

0:00 I'm a mom who doesn't restrict screen time for her toddler. I don't have rules. I don't like restricting my kids from anything. The fact is that it is absolutely 100% the parents role to restrict their children. You need to put the seat belt on. You need to make sure they brush their teeth. You need to make sure they don't fry their brain. Unlimited screen time. Does this make kids self-regulate or does it make them even more screenobsessed? Today we're going to react to Tik Toks of moms who are raising iPad kids, kids with unlimited screen time, and we're making the case that this makes their kids actually more regulated, less obsessed with the forbidden fruit of the screen.

0:44 And we're going to react to see what we agree with and disagree with. Welcome back to Hi Fam. I'm Abby Tal. I'm here to help you build a strong family culture. One of our biggest challenges as modern day parents is with the question of screens. How do we balance the use of screens and technology in our households? I'm going to share with you what I do with my children, what I recommend that you do throughout this video. But let's start by reacting to some of these lovely moms over on Tik Tok. Let's have a look. I don't I don't have rules. They can have their iPads, the TVs on whenever they like. But hear me out.

1:22 The reason I do this is so they're not obsessed. and they aren't obsessed. They'll have their iPad, they'll put it down, they'll go do something else, they'll check it back in on it a couple hours later, they'll put it down. We've always got like the TV going, but it's usually just like songs and educational stuff. Mainly for the babies, just like the bouncing fruit and stuff like that because those songs are fire, let's be honest. But no, Marley's got an iPad.

1:46 She's five. She's got like a whole bunch of educational games. She's got a few like non-educational games. Um, and then they just have their YouTube kids that they sometimes watch shows on as well. Indy's got one, too. She's three. So, they're their own iPads. So, they'll look after those and they'll have them for however long. Billy and Broady obviously don't have iPads yet. Um, we don't really introduce them until they're like maybe 2 and a half, three, maybe, maybe not till like 3, three and a half actually. Yeah. When they can start like using them. Um, but yeah, I didn't I've never really had any like screen time rules. Um, if they've been on it for too long, like if we've been sitting around and I just kind of have like this mum girl wave, I'll just say, "Let's go outside." And they would prefer to do that anyway. So, they just chuck them down and we go. There's never really any fights on the iPad because they know they can just have it. Like, it's not like there's no like restrictions. And not because I'm responsible. Um, I believe that if I did have rules, they probably would be obsessed and would want it more and ask for it more. Um, whereas now like they're just kind of around and like they've been playing on them for a little while. But if I went over there now and like set up a craft activity or put some pens down or something like that, they would prefer to do that.

2:45 That's my mentality. That's how I've always done it and that's how I will continue to do it. So, thank you very much. Goodbye. Okay. So very interesting and I've heard this theory many many times before especially in the unschooling world where the idea is that when you put boundaries and restrictions on things it makes kids even more obsessed with them. They want to do them even more. Which by the way I don't know if that's true. I don't know if that's always the case. I don't know if that's a temperamental thing. I don't know if that's always solid logic because you know like I don't let my kids run into the road. That's a really clear boundary and a really strict restriction that they have and it doesn't make them more obsessed with running into the road. So, I don't know that this would be a very good reason not to limit screen time.

3:26 It's just so that they wouldn't become obsessed. Like, we do limit certain behaviors simply because they're harmful. Whether or not that makes them more, you know, attractive and seductive. In other words, I think it's more important to look at screen time usage and ask, "What is this doing for my child and to my child?" rather than look at the restriction and ask what is the restriction doing for and to my child. I agree that sometimes when something's very tantalizing, when everybody's doing it, and when I'm the only one not allowed to do it, it could potentially make it even more attractive. If I have that rebellion streak in me, if I have that desire, if I'm not very fulfilled and inspired in all the other areas of my life, then maybe it's going to make me more obsessed. But I'm not entirely sure that this logic really holds up. Now, she says the reason that I don't limit screen time is so that they're not obsessed. And one of the things that she's pointing out that this is so great about the way she's doing it is that there aren't fights and conflicts over it. And again, it's nice not to have fights and conflicts over something, but I have to question the logic. In other words, just because it leads to some peace in the house, that is really the reason that most parents use screen times is just cuz they need that digital babysitter and they don't want to argue over it, doesn't make it a good or bad thing for your child. the actual content and the actual effects of the iPad usage is what makes it good or bad, not whether or not it leads to conflicts.

4:46 So, she's probably right that I have a couple of kids who are probably more screen obsessed than hers, who probably want it more. There's probably more conflict in my home over the conversations of can we have screen time than there is in her home because she has unlimited screen time. So, I get that payoff that she's getting. The tradeoff is there. the peace of mind, the quiet, the no one's whining at me, no one's demanding it of me, we don't have conflicts about it, and they're not obsessed with it because they have it unlimitedly. But I do question that logic. If this is a good thing for your children and for their de their development and for the family as a whole, then it's a good thing. And if it's a bad thing, then it's a bad thing.

5:22 Do it if it's a good thing. Don't do it if it's a bad thing. But whether or not it leads to tensions or conflicts or conversations or you needing to reinforce boundaries or them really wanting it doesn't indicate the quality of the activity itself. That's not really a good indicator or a logical argument about whether or not you should do it. Let's keep going. So, I have to read the caption on this one. Gabby Castro says, "I don't limit my daughter screen time, and yes, I'm still a good mom. I'm not proud giving her screen time, but it's the only help we have sometimes. We don't have any family next to us. It's just me and my husband raising our daughter the only way we can. When I became a mom, I told myself that I will never rely on screen time, but we don't have any choice most of the time since we really have no one here.

6:04 And yes, sometimes I'm afraid that one of these days she will no longer go on with her life without watching TV. But honestly, it helps a lot. Most of her known phrases and songs were from the shows that she is watching and I'm very happy about it. It really depends on how you communicate with your child, how you talk, and how you teach such things to them. Remember, children develop their own pace and they have different personalities which affect how they see and interact with the world. Some people may not agree with me, but that's fine.

6:28 You do you and I do mine. End of story. Fair enough. End of story. But as I often say, if you're going to put it on the internet, then you know, it's part of the public discourse and part of our conversation and we can discuss it with you. I want to actually offer this mom some hope and some awareness. You know, the previous mom said that when she feels too guilty that her kids have been watching screens too long, then she says, "Okay, let's switch off and let's go outside." And this mom is also expressing, I think, what most of us feel, which is that we don't actually want our kids on screens for hours a day. We don't actually think it's great for them. We don't actually think that's the stuff of childhood. It's not actually the ideal image that we had in our minds before we had kids. And this mom is saying, "Before I had children, I promised myself that they wouldn't be using screen time." and we're seeing a very young child, maybe a one-year-old, watching the screen time. Now, my heart goes out to this mom because I moved country with two little kids and then I had three little kids and I was solo parenting. My husband wasn't even home most of the time. I had no family around. I had no support. I had no nanny. I had no help. I had no household cleaning or anything like that. And my kids were home and I was running a business. And so, I totally get that isolation. I totally get the pressure of taking care of multiple children with one adult in my case. and she's talking about two adults with one child. Either way, it's hard. It's a lot. It's fullon.

7:41 And it depends on the child's temperament and on your physical setup. But here's what I want to say. Children of this age are designed to play. That's what they're designed to do. They're not designed to be passive consumers of a screen. And yes, it does affect their brain development. It does affect them in mostly negative ways. Now, she's saying she's learned some phrases and learned some words and vocabulary from the screen. research is pretty clear that the way that children learn language is actually through humans talking to them. So yeah, she can learn some things from the screen. There are educational programs. There are educational games like the previous mom said, it makes all of us feel better when our kids are doing educational things. And there are some educational games for older ages that I think are actually really great and I encourage my children to play. But I think that there's a difference between passively consuming content as a one-year-old or a 2-year-old, right? very different than what a six, seven or eight year old are doing in an educational game in a specific setting. Now, the hope I want to offer her is what I just said, which is that children this age are designed to play. When you get children playing independently, they can play for hours a day. You can do your housework. You can do your work work. I built an entire business, worked out every single day, and ran all of my housework with three and then four and then five children at home. I homeschooled for many years. I did not have all that much help on and off sporadically here and there.

8:57 sometimes more, sometimes less, but what I could rely on no matter what, whether there was a pandemic, whether I was, you know, on Zoom calls back toback, whether my husband was at home or working night shifts and sleeping through the day or working all day, I knew that I could rely on independent play. And no, my children aren't special unicorns. They don't have some weird special temperament. It's just because I learned the secrets. I learned how to set up the environment for play. I learned what to say and what not to say to stop sabotaging their play. And I just never had to rely on screens. I mean, here and there, a movie once a week, you know, a game here on a long drive. Sure, we've all done that. I use screens. We have screens. We're not technophobes. We're not completely screen free, and we never were. But you know beyond that maybe half an hour a day or a couple hours a week that you are doing there is a whole world available to you of independent play of children playing imaginatively with their toys with sensory materials with creative expression with moving their body. And the amazing thing about play is that it's not only free but it's also really good for your child. You don't need the nanny you don't need the Netflix. This is something that's actually not going to induce mom guilt, but it's going to induce mom pride.

10:10 There is no feeling so satisfying as a mother as watching your child sink into their imaginative world, building things, learning, expressing themselves, you know, straining their skills and their muscles and getting stronger and getting smarter and solving problems. Their growth and fine motor development, their academic skills, their social, emotional, verbal skills, all of that is benefited through play. And it's all the way mother nature intended. It just happens naturally. So to all the moms on TikTok who are saying, "Well, I have to go unlimited screen time because I don't have support." Don't judge me. It's not fair. Don't worry. We're not here to judge you. But I am here to support you and tell you that there is another way that's better for your child and better for you and that you don't need to worry about all the ill effects that are pretty well evidenced of unlimited screen time for toddlers. Let's keep watching. We offer unlimited screen time in our household and I'm going to explain my theory behind it. Just for reference, I am a mom of two. I have a six-year-old and a 1-year-old. And believe me when I say over the last nearly 7 years of being a parent, I have tried different things when it comes to screen time. And this is just what works best for our family. Now, if you are a screenfree household or you don't agree with me, that's totally fine. You don't have to. This is just what works for us.

11:15 And I'm just going to explain why we've done it this way. For us, when it came to screen time, I have restricted screens in the past or gone completely screen free. We've even tried doing a certain amount of screen time during the day. And for us, it just came down to I don't like restricting my kids from anything. Okay. She says, "For us, it just came down to I don't like restricting my kids from anything. I don't like telling them what to do. I just like guiding them." And I want to say, you know, hand of my heart, this really tugs at my heartstrings. This is a perfect example of something that I talk about quite a lot, which is that we parents in the modern day and age in Western society are very squeamish and uncomfortable with our own authority.

11:52 We're not comfortable leading our children. The fact is that it is absolutely 100% the parents role to restrict their children. You need to put the seat belt on. You need to make sure they brush their teeth. You need to make sure they don't fry their brain. They do not have the prefrontal cortex development to make long-term decisions that are planned out, that are well thought through, that are evidence-based, that are based on wisdom and life experience. They just don't have that. And so, if you hold no restrictions on them, where is the limit to that? I know that you restrict them running into the road. I know that you restrict them snorting cocaine. I know that you restrict them jumping into a fire. I mean, why is it different when it's a neuronal pathway fire when they're frying their brain, not their bodies? Like, I just don't really get this mindset of, "Oh, I just would rather be the guide from the side. I don't want to actually take action."

12:40 Now, I know it would be completely inappropriate for these parents not to take safety precautions. They're putting seat belts on their kids, but why are they so uncomfortable to put seat belts on their emotional development, their psychological development, their brain development? Why is that so hard to do to restrict and to say, "Yeah, no, this is not something we're going to be doing with our time. Let's just run this to the extreme." And I'm not going to use running into the road as another metaphor cuz I've burnt that one out.

13:07 But you know what? If this six-year-old wanted to watch porn, why shouldn't you restrict them? Why are you going to impose your values on them? Why are you going to say that's not okay? Why don't you just guide them and say, you know, I don't recommend that you watch that. I think it's better to watch something else. Why are you restricting them? That's so restrictive of you. My entire parenting style is to guide them rather than tell them what to do. If that makes sense. I want my children to be able to grow up and think for themselves and be able to make the decisions that are right for them without me telling them what that decision is. We all want our children to grow up and be able to think for themselves and make decisions that are right for them. That is something that is universally true, I think, for most parents. We want our kids to have critical thinking skills, to be able to make right choices even when we're not hovering over their shoulder. And I agree with you that just being overly controlling and forceful and restrictive in general is going to cause kids to not be able to think for themselves. But first of all, my friend, you're talking about very tiny children. A 2-year-old and a six-year-old cannot think for themselves. They literally do not have the brain capacity to make long-term decisions. Are your children making decisions about their physical health?

14:11 Like, are they deciding whether or not to take medicine? Why would you enforce medicine that they need when they should really be thinking for themselves and making those decisions for themselves, right? It just doesn't hold up to logic. It just doesn't really make sense across the board. Why would it make sense around screens? Also, this hyperindividualized language that we modern parents use, I want them to make decisions that are right for them. This is just what's right for our family.

14:36 This is born of our massive fear of being called judgmental, of us judging other people, of us making it sound like our lifestyle choices are superior or are better. And it's true. There is a wide range of temperaments, of lifestyles, of family choices that could all be viable. But also, there are some universal truths with a capital T. There is some evidence-based science of what we know so far when it comes to screens. There is also general received wisdom that we all kind of understand and that's why all of these moms reference mom guilt. They all reference the fact that they once restricted and now they're not restricting. They all reference the fact that they sometimes feel bad about it but you shouldn't judge them. Why? Because we all feel that hours in front of a screen is not appropriate for childhood. It's not good for them. It's not good for their bodies, their brains, their minds, their hearts, nothing. It's not good for their social skills. We all know they should be spending hours outside. They should be spending time in play. They should be spending time in a relationship. And we know that the screen takes away from that and puts them in a sedentary lifestyle, in a consumer lifestyle, in a lifestyle that is virtual. We all know they should be touching grass. We all know what's happening to teenagers and to Gen Z and their anxiety and their depression and their obsessions and their addictions. So she knows that these decisions are not good for her children, but she's saying, "Oh, I want them to make the right decisions for them." As though her children might be these magical unicorn specific special type of children that have a completely different set of characteristics than the rest of humanity. This is, you know, it's good to tailor things to cater to personalize. It's good to be attuned to our individual children and their idiosyncrasies and particular characters. Yes. But we can also just say some generalizations like it's good for kids to play outside. That's a pretty easy generalization to make. It's not good for kids to spend hours a day on a screen. Again, a pretty easy generalization to make. Are there some extreme cases? Potentially, sure. But in general, we do actually know what's better and what's worse for kids. And you can try to justify it by saying, "I don't like restricting, and this is just what works for us, and I just want them to do what's right for them." But look, there are going to be six-year-olds who think that what's right for them is just YouTube kids all day every day. That doesn't make it right for them. Just because they think that. Let's keep going. Another thing that came to my mind when we were making this decision is I don't restrict food from them. We all know the dangers of restricting food from our children. And no, that doesn't mean that Arya is allowed to eat and drink whatever she wants whenever she wants. But I don't label food as good or bad. We do definitely have conversations about what food has, you know, more nutritional value or how food makes us feel. It's obviously been age appropriate conversations in the past.

17:17 So the same goes for screen time. I find when you fully rest sorry this just I never understood this. I never understood this. You know you removing the words bad and good and replacing them with the nutritional value and how it makes us feel makes zero difference to the reality of what foods do to our body. There is just a reality. There is just a capital T truth that is objective. That is not about your truth.

17:43 It is not about your subjective experience and it is not about the narrative or how you frame the food. There are just scientific facts about what proteins, carbs and fats do to our body and what our body needs in order to grow and be healthy and be strong and expend energy in a healthy way. And you labeling it as nutritional values rather than good or bad. It's the same thing. You're trying to say some food gives us positive energy and actually helps us grow with the nutrients, the minerals, the vitamins, the fats, the proteins that we need, and some foods make us lethargic or hyper or make us put on too much fat on our body and aren't good for us. Right? You're trying to say that without using the words good or bad, but you're not actually doing your kids a service. I never understood this idea of not labeling foods good or bad and not labeling behaviors good or bad. I don't get it. Is it just political correctness? Is it wokeness? Is it timidness or squirmishness about being judgmental? What do you think is going to happen to your kids if they understand that some foods are bad for you and some foods are good for you?

18:45 What do you think it's going to do? It's going to make them only want bad foods. I think it's just going to equip them with nutritional knowledge about how to treat their body well. Why can't we just tell kids, actually, some foods are good for you and some foods are bad for you. Have only a little bit of the bad ones and have a lot of the good ones. What? What? What is wrong with that? Why can't we tell kids actually hours in front of a screen is bad for you? It hurts your eyesight, your attention span, your imagination, your ability to come up with new ideas. It takes away from your social skills. It takes away from time spent outside. Your body is sedentary during that time. All of that is bad for you. So yeah, you could do it for a little bit, but you can't do it for a lot. Why is that a bad thing? Why isn't that just helping our children learn and understand how their bodies and minds work, how the world works, and being able to equip them to make better choices? Make it make sense.

19:31 restrict something from yourself. It's the same as an adult. You always want what you can't have. We are living in a world where screens are inevitable. I don't want what I can't have. I don't know what she's talking about. I don't know why this is seen as just a universal truth. I want what is good for me. I really do. I really want healthy nutritional foods. I want great sleep at night. I want to move my body every single day. I want to do productive, meaningful work. I want meaningful relationships. And I have every belief that my children are going to make good decisions for themselves because they see how inspiring, how uplifting, how positive, how healthy all of that looks on the adults in their life. They see adults around them with strong marriages that are really fulfilling and lifelong.

20:08 And they see, wow, I really want, you know, partnership and companionship and a respectful relationship that lasts me my whole life. They see adults around them who work out and take care of their bodies and are at a healthy weight and really strive to eat well and they think, "Wow, you know what? I love my sugary snacks, but I also want to make really wise decisions so I can build muscle and have a low body fat percentage and be healthy into my old age. They see adults around them who work hard and really have a strong work ethic and try to be productive and do good in the world. And they think to themselves, "Wow, I really want to have a meaningful job that pays well so that I can pay my bills, be financially independent, support my family, and do good in the world." Why is it that you always want what you can't have? I actually don't. I don't want to binge on alcohol or on drugs. I don't want to destroy my body with processed foods. I don't want to destroy my body with sleepless nights. I don't want to watch porn graphic imagery that imprints itself on my brain. I don't want to watch things that induce anxiety and give me nightmares. I don't want what I can't have. I don't think that is true.

21:09 I think we can guide our children with good things, good choices. Let's do this with our bodies and with our minds and with our time because it's better for us. Again, this logic just doesn't hold up. And so I found that when we were restricting screen time from Arya and then gave it back to her, it was like this huge novelty that she couldn't get enough of. It was almost like then when we restricted it again, she was waiting until the next time that she could have it and that was her reward. The only rule I have surrounding screens is that there is to never be any screens at the dinner table or when we are eating as a family. Other than that, they pretty much have unlimited usage of it. The other thing I will say on this is as a parent, I obviously guide them into other tasks that I feel are better for them. It works so well. don't have much screen time at all if I'm honest. And half the time they are having screen time. They're actually not even focusing on that and they're doing a different task. Another reason we chose to do this is I truly believe we are in a season where I'm raising two small children. We run a business. I solo parent quite a lot. So I think there was just a lot of factors where our life is so busy and so chaotic a lot of the time that I don't need to set another rule for myself.

22:05 Limiting screen time and having to think of things constantly just made me feel so pressured that I also did it to take the pressure off myself. And in turn that actually made me a better mom to my kids. Okay. Now, that's a point I can get behind. It was taking pressure off herself. In turn, it made her a better mom for our kids. De facto. They were spending actually less time on the screen because it just wasn't an argument. And now she's actually redirecting them to other activities that she thinks are better. Those points I can really get behind. The idea of I don't want to restrict my kids. They should just make good decisions for themselves at 6 and 2. I don't restrict foods or tell them what's bad or good.

22:40 Why not? You're the parent. You're the spiritual guide. Tell them what's bad and good. None of that. I can't get behind any of that. But if you want to tell me that in actual fact when you just don't set a rule, that you don't communicate the rule and in fact you just spend less time on screen and it takes that pressure off you, fine. I totally get that. Let's keep going. I'm a mom who doesn't restrict screen time for her toddler. I let my kid watch TV.

23:02 I want to explain why I allow screens, when I allow screens, and how long I allow them for, like what limits I set. So, first, why do I let my toddler watch TV? I let him watch TV or even play his little cell phone games, especially on days when we're go go go. Let him watch TV when he's spend his day at the babysitters or when he had preschool that day. The reason why is because his brain has been go go go like all day.

23:27 He's been learning, he's been playing, he's been absorbing. And sometimes it's nice for all of us to have a little brain break. Also, I am a working mom. I run my own business. I work from home while also being a stay-at-home mom. when I need to get some work done or I have a meeting while he's home. Honestly, letting him watch some TV while I'm doing that keeps me sane and it makes my life so much easier. Also, I'm just a type B mom and I'm okay with screens. TV and games are fun. My son is smart. He's fine. Do not have them in the background though when we are doing playtime or Montasuri time or things like that. And I allow for screens. We always have TV time first thing in the morning cuz that's when we have our breakfast snuggle and we watch some TV.

24:05 for how long just kind of depends on the day and how early we've woken up. We also have screen time for a bit mid to late afternoon because that time it's quiet time and he doesn't nap anymore. Also, sometimes I have a meeting while EMTT is home or I need to get something done for my business that can't wait and that's when a screen is usually on just to give me that time. How long do we do screen time each day? Usually, it works out to be about 2 to 3 hours a day of screen time. Do you allow screen time in your home for your toddlers or kids? Why or why not? Let me know down in the comments. Okay, again, I don't think you need to completely restrict screen time for your children. The rule for toddlers really is less is more and 2 to three hours a day probably is going to have some negative impact on his development.

24:43 However, I'm also a working mom. I've also had to stick on a show so that I can get through a meeting and I get that. But I want to remind this mom of what I said earlier in this video, which is that this is not your only choice. I would save those screen times for the times when you absolutely need it because your kid is not playing independently, because they're exhausted, because you don't have any other help, and because you have to be in a meeting or something like that. I would not just use it as a default way to start your morning or to end your afternoon. I think that what this type of content does is that it downplays the negative effects of screen time, and it also makes it sound like it's the only option. Independent play is a very real, very healthy, very available option when you just learn the basics of it. And so getting a kid, a toddler, a baby even to play independently so that you can get your housework done, your selfcare done, your phone calls done, and then saving the screen time for the times when you absolutely need them to be completely quiet and not disturb you because you're in a meeting and you can't get any other help. That's fine. That totally makes sense. But it doesn't just need to be a lifestyle that's always going on in the background because that does ignore the real harms that it does for them. I think it's actually appropriate to think of it a little bit like, you know, sugary candy. Like, look, once in a while you have that because it's Halloween or because it's a birthday party. But if it's just a regular thing that you start your morning with it because you don't want to have restrictions and you don't want to deal with meltdowns and you really like having no conflict around it and you want them to make good food choices for themselves that of their own nature, then I think you're misunderstanding how the human brain actually works, how addictions work, how dopamine works, and how yes, these things have actual harmful properties that actually disrupt children's development. So, it's not just that it's this neutral thing that gets people obsessed when it's restricted. It's that it's actually a thing that has genuine harmful effects, negative effects, and almost zero positive effects, except that it buys parents a bit of time, which is a real positive effect, and I'm not downplaying that. But there are other things that are healthier that also buy parents [Music] time. Okay. and her caption says, "Listen, I get it. We have businesses to run and messages to send to clients and we're adults and have amazing technology at our fingertips. And frankly, most adults can't go a full day without reaching for their phone. Whether to talk to someone, check the weather or traffic, find out something, mindlessly scroll social media." The truth is, I don't worry about my girl screen time because the phone isn't the problem.

27:13 Parents are. If you set a few round rules, you will never, and I mean never, have to micromanage their screen time. My kids know their tablets are a privilege, not a right. They know what they're allowed to watch and do on their tablets and what they can't. And when they break the rules, they get it taken away. It's called learning responsibility. Listen, they're in school 7 hours out of their day, then have after school activities. So, they don't just veg out all day. Yes, weekends and holiday breaks and definitely a bit more plugged in because guess what? That's life. Most adults veg out on their phone for hours and then wonder where all the day went. Am I right? Our kids play outside. They play makeelieve together. They have playdates. They build Lego and blocks.

27:51 They draw with pencils and paper. They dress up. They get dirty outside. They work out with dad in the garage. They have a life. They don't sit for 12 hours a day mindlessly plugged in. Therefore, in our household, I don't micromanage screen time. I don't worry about it. They love watching their movies and shows on Disney Plus. They draw their tablets and then they go off and play in real life. So, I think as long as your kids are being safe on their tablets and they do get outside or other activities besides screen time, then you don't have to stress about time limits and such.

28:17 But that's my two cents. Thanks for coming to my TED talk. Okay, so this is from Mama Bear Review and I want to say that on the whole I agree with her. If her kids are spending time in school, spending time outside, doing creative activities in real life with social skills, then you know watching a bit of movies here and there is not a bad thing. But I do think that quantity does matter. If you're spending hours a day on a screen that it does affect them and the comparison to adults is not great.

28:46 First of all, screen time harms adults, too. It's not good for us either. What she's describing about adults not being able to go for a full day without reaching for their phone and checking for traffic and tracking for weather is actually a massive cause of anxiety and discombobulation for adults. Adults are frazzled. Their brains are fried. They are feeling greater anxiety. Their sleep is terribly disrupted. And that's after their brains are fully developed at 25 years old. So, it is more serious for kids. And the fact that adults are doing it doesn't mean that it's good for kids.

29:20 Adults might be alcoholics doesn't mean kids should be alcoholics. Adults might be sex addicted, doesn't mean kids should be. So, everything that's good for adults doesn't necessarily follow that it's great for kids, so we should just let them do it. I think what would be more appropriate is to help adults get off our phones more. I spend an entire weekend off my phone and it's amazing for me, for my relationships, for my brain, for my body, for everything. And so, I don't think that the answer is to get kids on the phone more, but rather to get adults on the phone less. Also, why do they need to start so early? Why do they need to start with the effects while their brains are still developing, while their social skills are still developing? This is pretty well researched and well evidenced. It actually lowers every single score that they have from the physical to the academic. And so I don't really get why saying, "Well, adults do this harmful thing, so kids should do it, too." is a logical thing to say.

30:13 With that said, I understand what she's saying. Like that mom who said, "Well, in the end, de facto, the actual results are that my kids are hardly on a screen at all. They're just watching a movie here and there. Fine." Like, I understand what she's saying. I understand that she's teaching them responsibility, that she has set up rules over what content they can watch. Hopefully, she has parental controls because kids often lie about this type of thing. But I do think one thing many of these parents are overlooking are the actual addictive content of what goes on on a screen and just how easy it is to get into dangerous territory on a screen. So again, I hope that she has parental controls set up.

30:51 [Music] [Applause] [Music] Okay. Again, I get the point she's making. you get to clean up your house if your kids are addicted to a screen. Fine. But my point is don't overlook the downsides and the harmful sides of screen addiction or of overuse of screens, even if it isn't an addiction and obsession. And please also know that there are other ways of getting things done. Your kids can actually help you with the chores. Wouldn't that be good for their development? For me, I actually want my kids to do it alongside me so that they learn to be givers, to be contributors, to be collaborators, to develop life skills. Your kids could play next to you. Wouldn't that be better for their development, develop their imagination and their social skills and their academic skills, etc.

31:38 So, yeah, you can stick on a movie and get stuff done. We've all done that, and I do it and will do it again. But I'm trying to make the point that that's kind of the last resort. That's kind of something that we do, you know, when all the other things have been exhausted and then we really just need that, you know, completely zombified state of being on a screen or when, wow, we're doing family movie night or this is our dedicated screen time and we get to play our games, but not as a default thing that you just reach for, not as a band-aid and not because you're afraid of conflicts around it. And just to linger on that point for one more minute, some kids have screen time restrictions and they become very obsessed and really uh you know want more and more screens and whine for it and have a lot of conflicts about it. But some kids have screen time restrictions and they learn to fill that time with many other interests. They suddenly grow all sorts of interests and hobbies and life skills and ambitions and innovations that they wouldn't have got to if they weren't bored for a time, if they didn't have to fill their time.

32:41 And I just think about all the different things my kids have learned to do and all the different games they've come up with and all the different independence they've developed because screens just weren't an option in our house. Yeah, there have been times where there's been conflicts over screens, but those have just waned with the years when they've just learned, "Oh, this just isn't a negotiating point. I don't need to push mom on this because she's not changing her mind. It's just a fact of life."

33:06 I'll give you an example from my own personal life that I know is not relevant to everyone, but because we observe Sabbath, we don't use any screens, adults and children for the entire weekend. And that's true for us, but for most of our community around us as well. And I've never ever seen a kid whining for the screen on Sabbath. It's just a completely restricted thing. Yes, it's adult-driven. They've decided for the children that they are not allowed to have screens. No one is allowed to have screens. None of us do it. It's for religious reasons, but it's also for psychological reasons. It's to make space for family time, for quality time, for time to play board games and read books and go on walks and look each other in the eyes and not be distracted by screens, even to check the weather or the traffic. And because of this, I know that when restrictions are rock solid and non-negotiable, you actually get zero push back. You actually get zero conflict and zero obsessions. My kids have never asked for screen time on the Sabbath because they know it's a no-go.

34:05 It's just not an option. It's just not even a question and not even a conversation. So you can absolve yourself of conflicts and of obsession by offering unlimited screen time, but you can equally absolve yourself of these things by offering completely limited screen time. If it's just a no across the board or a no at certain times of day or for example, we only watch on the TV but never on the tablet unless we're traveling, right? Where you have very strict rock solid rules, you also get to excuse yourself from all of the conflicts and the whining. You also get to buy peace of mind because kids who are faced with boredom find solutions. That's when they get really creative. That's when they go to a friend's house to play. That's when they become independent and come up with new games. That's when they learn new skills and take on challenges. That's when they come and help you around the house with household chores. And so, it's not really the case that you just have to stick on the tablet in order to limit those conflicts. And the truth is that because there are downsides to using the screen, it might be something to consider that you allow your children the space and time to go through a little bit of those tantrums and a little bit of that push back and a little bit of the obsession. Get over it and the conflicts and find the solutions for themselves. I'm not saying that all screen time is created equal. Like I said, we have some games that I actually appreciate and think are good. I'm happy to link them in the comments below. and my kids watch some shows once in a while and we do a family movie once in a while. But I do think that there is so much evidence to suggest that real life activities that do not involve the virtual world at all are so much more beneficial for children and that excess screen time, call it anything above 1 hour a day, is harmful. It takes away from everything else they're doing in their life. And so it's a reason to take it kind of seriously. Now let me know in the comments below. Do you limit screen time? Do you restrict it? Or do you just say it's going to be unlimited in our household, but de facto? They actually watch less of it. What works for you?

36:13 How do you feel about these mom's philosophies? Let me know in the comments below. Just keep the discourse respectful. We're all doing our best here. And if you want help creating a strong family culture, a culture where you set the tone, you set the values, and yes, you tell your kids what's good and what's bad, then make sure to head on over to highfam.com/studio. Inside the studio, I will offer you the content, the coaching, and the incredible worldwide community of parents who are building a strong family culture, who aren't afraid of their own shadow, who are guiding their children towards the values and the vision and the type of lifestyle they think would be best for them. That might include limiting their own screen time, being careful about what they consume online, avoiding things like pornography or building meaningful relationships. If you want help guiding your kids away from materialism or away from hookup culture and into your values, then make sure you're inside the studio at highfam.com/studio. And if you want help getting your kid playing for hours a day, then make sure you head on over to reclaimplay.com and grab the course today. Just give me 3 weeks and I'll have your kid playing for 3 hours a day independently, imaginatively, and allowing you to get everything done that you need to get done, like your work and your self-care and your housework without any screens and without any guilt. Now, if this spoke to you, you're going to want to watch my video all about screens for kids, whether or not you should buy them a phone, when you should buy them a phone, what kind of restrictions you should have. Watch that video next. Keep on living that high fam life and I'll see you in the next