What Can You Do for Separation Anxiety?

0:00 T Harrison. I'm a handin-hand parenting instructor. Um, so my story is I've got two children, ages six and nine. I came to Hand in Hand gosh maybe three or four years ago. I'd been introduced to peaceful parenting, connected parenting, all those different branches of empathic child rearing. And um I was doing another positive parenting course when someone referred me to hand a very specific hand inhand course which was the handling aggression course and I just loved everything about it. I love that there was one spot where you could get all the different tools that come together. And I found that a lot of other places they had um taken bits and pieces of of a hand in hand. But I think just having all five tools used in conjunction with one another. There's sort of there's not much that you can't overcome if you can use all of those in conjunction. And now I know in the real world that's not always possible, but I just find it great to have somewhere that you know where you can go, okay, this isn't working. I'm going to check this. I'm going to check that. And I want to thank everyone for being here.

1:11 Um it's really great that you're taking this time out of your day um to help your children with this very sensitive topic. So I'm talking about separation anxiety today. Um, and I did a talk on this recently and just doing all the research on that and um, yeah, just having a look over all the information and coming up with what I want to tell parents. It was so nice to realize I'm on the other side of that now. And just, you know, it was it was a big big part of our lives. Um, and it is heart-wrenching. like it's, you know, it's really really hard knowing that you have to leave your children and that you know that they're not that happy about it and and you're not sure how long it's going to take for them to settle into that experience. And it certainly brings up those feelings of guilt and um and it touches on um our own sort of histories and our own sort of feelings around being separate separated from our caregivers or from the people we trust.

2:18 Now hand inhand's five tools are listening time which is the parent ccentric tool. So that's about you getting yourself listened to by a loving listener who does nothing but listen to your every word and honor that you are wise that you are um clever, that you can solve your own problems and that you are a loving parent. And so they hold that for you even when you can't hold that for yourself. and they allow you a really safe space free of judgment um advice um you know their story just allowing you to express anything you need to express. Hello Julie. Yes, absolutely. That's right. It's not easy juggling all these things and that's the reality. We're all juggling a million different things um as well as our own traumas and histories. So that's why listening time is just an invaluable tool for you. Um, and it was also the last one I came to, but it's now my number one tool. I I sort of thought I didn't need it because I had strong friendships with other parents and things like that. But it's so different from another parent relationship where you do give advice sometimes. You do sort of interrupt, you do tell your own story. I've got to turn my phone off.

3:34 So that's listening time. And then stay listening is sort of a similar process for your children. So understanding that their emotions are all valid um and that the ones that we find tricky so anger uh frustration um they can often be how they offload tension. So ideally we would love to see them just having major um tears and laughter because those are great um ways of getting the emotional backpack emptied. And um for most kids when it comes to offtrack behavior, so you know, hitting, kicking, whining, um all that sort of stuff, it's tends to be because their emotional backpack is full. So tears and laughter are really great at getting those big feelings out. Hello.

4:28 Thank you. Um and so we we like to go to those. Sometimes though, you have to stay listen to anger, which is harder. So stay listening just involves connecting with your child um if you can give warm eye contact um and light touch if it's possible. And in that time you're doing the same as the listener that I was talking about before. You're just holding them. You're accepting that they're feeling these things and that they're going to feel much better once they get all of that out out of their system. And you don't need to know what it's about. So, you know, the classic, you know, tears and tantrums we get are over what most of us just sort of have a little joke about how insignificant those little triggers are, but we call that a pretext, which is they're just using something that makes sense to them as a jumping off point to offload feelings. And it doesn't matter what it's about. You don't ever need to work out what it's about, but it could go back to birth. It could go back to womb.

5:29 there's we don't know some of those deep fears and anxieties and separation issues that may be buried deep down and we don't have to. We just have to be able to show up um and do the work by just being there and um holding that space and and being able to just say I'm here um and not trying to fix or distract or um you know do anything but just simply showing that you have the empathy and that their feelings are welcome here. Um, so that is day listening. Special time is one-on-one, really connected, intense, um, delighting, and it's child-led.

6:07 You'll set a timer and tell your child that you have from 10 minutes to maybe um, 30 minutes, not much more than that because it is intense. You want to be again giving warm eye contact and you just want to be in pure delight. And at times for special time, you don't feel like you're delighting in your child. So um you may have to remember when they were a baby in arms and that sort of thing. So I always say start with the bare minimum because people say oh I don't I don't have any time in my day.

6:37 So if you start with 10 minutes each child hopefully you can find just that and see how that goes for you. It's a connection superfood in my opinion. Um, and so you just spend that time doing whatever they want you to do and just purely delighting in them and remembering everything that you love about them and just letting them have that little moment in the sun. Um, and then setting limits with hand in hand. That's obviously when you have to set a limit or a boundary or you know you need to hold um something that's important to you. And the process we use for that is listen, limit, listen. So first, you know, listening to their con issues around so getting in the car for example. So they don't want to get in their car seat. Listen to that. You know, I know it's hard. I know you don't like feeling, you know, you can't move around. I I understand that. And we do have to go now. So I'm going to put you into your seat. And then just listening again to the big feelings that come after that. So it's a another sort of gentle approach. You don't have to um you don't have to change your limit. Um I do think it's important to make sure that your limit is age appropriate um and that it is important. Um but hand inhand encourage limit setting early and often. So um and then just listening to the feelings that come to that come out of that and that's another great spot for stay listening. And if anytime they do offload like that, you know that they've got work to do. And hopefully you can encourage that and feel like, okay, we we're right where we need to be.

8:11 And um I'm thinking, what have I missed? Listening time, uh special times, day listening. Um what have I missed? Oh, play listening. Sorry. Um so that is where we use play to work through issues. Um, so getting kids out the door on time, you know, turning into a race, um, following the giggles. That's the best way to describe playlisting is just seeing those little moments that bring out the laughter and really jumping on them. And playlisting is where you really just give yourself over to that playful parenting as Dr. Larry Cohen talks about where you are just the bumbling fool.

8:50 Um, you are always, you know, the village idiot. the child is the victor and it's a moment there to really turn the scales and let them have some control, have some fun, have some laughter again, that great release and just, you know, relax into it. So, I want to hone in today when we're talking about s separation anxiety. I just want to hone in on stay listening and listening time because I think this is just such an area where everyone just has massive feelings that we need to take the edge off to be able to function.

9:23 So I think the biggest barriers with um separation um anxiety obviously time. Most of the time we don't actually have you know half an hour to really work through whatever it is that's um that's sort of yeah really work through any of it. We have to just sort of go and we feel that tension to get to work or to get to you know school or whatever it is that you're doing. Um and so that can add an enormous amount of pressure. There's also um the fact that other people sort of seem to be able to do this, that other people seem to be able to just drop their kid at, you know, playgr, kindergarten, preschool, um school, and there's no fuss. So, I think all those different things, expectations add that little layer of um of fear and of um frustration, of guilt. You feel like, oh, there's something wrong with me. Why can't my child do this? Why can't I do this? Um there's often pressure from the um the caregivers to do it quickly. I know that there's a lot I I think it's getting much better now and we were lucky where we were that it wasn't such a big issue, but I think a lot of caregivers still think um you know the rip it off like a band-aid approach is the best approach. Um and then you know for for most of you've probably tried that and seen that that can be really really hard. Um, and particularly because at the other end there may or may not be someone to listen to the feelings that come from that. Um, and then yeah, there's different processes.

11:00 There's feeling like you're being watched if there's other parents there, feeling like they're sort of looking on and going, "Oh, come on. This is this has gone on too long." So, um, the reason why children feel fear separating, um, often it reminds them of something. And if you've sort of had the pleasure um and been able to be with your child for most of their life up until this point that you're trying to do the separation um it's obviously going to be a little bit harder because they're not used to it. But it also could remind them of earlier times really early times. So sometimes there are things at birth that we have no control over. For example, my daughter had jaundice and had to go into the incubator. Um, and you know, I think there's definitely some trauma around that. There's some some, you know, fear still stuck in there around that time, which obviously that was the best thing that for her at the time. And and as a parent, I made that decision and it was the right decision, but there's still um pent up emotions there for both of us.

12:07 And so that's where um she might have feelings when it comes to separating and things like that. Um, and when when children feel off track, it doesn't matter who you're leaving them with. So, you could be leaving them with the most lovely person in the world, they're just not going to feel safe because there's just too much muck in there. Um, and so it's really important to just allow them to offload, to let go of any of those deep feelings. Um, and so it's a good idea to allow that time when you are doing drop offs if you can factor that into your routine. Um, have some time that you sort of sit in the car first or um, if you're allowed to sort of spend a bit more time at the at the center or wherever you're dropping your children off, if you can just allow that time there too. Um, and it's just basically a just welcoming any big feelings that come out. So, with my son, we had a lot of trouble with kindergarten. We had a great first term and then we went on a holiday and we came back and it was just completely different scenario. Um I was lucky in that the center then they said look can we have a little meeting we'll sit down together and come up with some strategies. So I think that's one of the most important things is is getting together a separation plan. Um and routine is obviously something that children thrive with. Um knowing what's going to happen next helps create safety. Um so I sat down with the teachers and we discussed um the situation and they said look you seem to be quite happy to spend some time here um first so maybe agree on doing one or two activities and then with the second activity make sure it's got a beginning, middle and an end. So, a book is a great example of that. And you set set the expectation that you're going to say goodbye and then um you you just say goodbye and then hand over. And so then that's where I stipulated, okay, that's that works for me. That sounds like a really good idea. But then at the point where I have to say goodbye, if there are tears, then I would love for you guys to welcome those and empathize with those. though I had heard them say at different times I'd heard them looking after a kid saying it's okay you're okay which are pretty standard responses to children offloading emotions but it that's also a way of fixing or moving them on from those feelings. So in stay listening we would be encouraging those tears and welcoming and accepting those.

14:58 So I said, you know, if he does cry, I would love for you to say, I know it's hard when mommy leaves. Um rather than you're okay because he's not okay and it is hard when mommy leaves. And um and they they we actually had to have a little bit of a talk about all of that and why why that's why I wanted to approach it. And they were fantastic. I was really happy with the way that they were able to hear all of that. Um and I felt comforted in that as well. So, I went away with that plan. And um and so the next time I went to to do the drop off, that's exactly what we did. I sat down, I played Play-Doh. Um we read and I'd said to him before, so I'd spoken to him the night before. I said, "Look, what's going to happen tomorrow is I'm going to come and I'm going to do whatever game or activity you want me to do, and then I'm going to read you a story, and after the story, I'm going to say goodbye, and then I'm going to leave. and if you need anyone to come and cuddle you, it will be either Mia or it will be um Claudia and they're gonna just take you and give you a cuddle. And we'd agreed on that. And so I was very lucky in that that worked. So that day there weren't even tears and I just couldn't believe myself. But part of that I think is that I had I also had the expectation of how that was going to go. I felt more confident going into that. I'd had a lot of listening time for myself around what my fears were and and also, you know, leading up to this big thing and I was thinking I'm going to be leaving my crying child in the hands of these carers. Are they going to be able to do all the right things? And I honestly think that having offloaded my attention um in that listening, having given him that warning of how it was going to work and made that agreement with him, I think that's why it worked. Um, but I also know it's not going to be as magic as it that was for me. So, lots of listening for you um even in coming up with your plans. So, whilst you're working on um what you think feels right for you and your family, have have those talks in your listening time. And with separation, I think it's again, it's so deep rooted that it's important for you in your listening time to assess what that looked like for you. if you um had screamed or do you remember screaming um when you were dropped off at preschool?

17:18 Uh for me, I think I just remember really being easily handed off. Um but I think that maybe I'm just remembering, you know, the glory days and not any of the in between. Um and I just remember terrorizing opairs and things like that. So obviously we weren't that down with separation but we made sure to get rid of all that can't give us quick smart but anyway um so yeah having a a think about how your parents might have responded to big feelings especially because it's not something most of us were had the pleasure of being brought up with um the idea of being able to offload our tension without judgment and without um you know okay um it's enough now or you I'll give you something to cry about.

18:06 That sort of thing. We would have heard those messages ourselves many times. And there's a lot of pain there. Um it's a really hard thing for some people to wrap their head around stay listening because it obviously leaving a a child to cry um is very isolating. But that's exactly what stay listening is not. It's the opposite of leaving someone to cry. It is being there for someone who cries. So the best way to think of it in adult terms is, you know, I I'm sure a lot of us now we have that understanding that yes, crying can be a great offloading of of tension. Crying can be a great release. Have a good cry is now more of a commonly recognized um concept. But sometimes even when I cry alone, I still just sort of, you know, feel a little bit of despair. Sometimes depends on where I'm at. I feel alone. Um, just think about if there was someone who you trusted innately, um, and who just had so much love for you and you knew that that person had your best interest at heart. And if they were just looking at you or maybe putting their hand on your shoulder, just looking into your eyes and just saying, "Yep, yep, I'm here right now."

19:26 Yep. Let that out. Yeah, I've got you. And just think about how that would feel to just be held by someone whilst you're feeling big things and just feeling like any of those feelings, any of those gked up feelings that you have, they're okay. Um, and then just that feeling afterwards, if you're able to get to the end of that to really just release all of those tears and fears, how good you'll feel after. Um, and that's just so that's the magic of stay listening and what it can do is it's just it's emptying out all of the gunk um and allowing you to think clearly again and I've seen it many times in children. Um now the other thing is obviously laughter as well can help and we had a lot of um success in that field as well because I'd sort of asked my son you know what is it that you you know why don't you want he'd say every morning I don't want to go to school that's what he called preschool or kindergarten um and I said why don't you want to go to school and he'd say oh because I'm scared and and I said so I said oh okay and like at other times I'd ask you know what he's scared about and he couldn't really put his finger on it or anything like that. So then we'd get to the car park there and I say, "Oh, are you scared? Are you still scared?" And he'd say, "Yes, I'm scared." And I said, "Okay."

20:51 um, "Are you this scared?" And he'd laugh and he'd say, "Yeah, yeah, I'm that scared." I'm like, "Oh, that's pretty scared." I'd say, "Are you this scared?" And he'd say, "Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm that scared." And um so we did that for a little while and and in the parking lot maybe 10 to 15 minutes and then we'd go in and and just you know brushing off that top layer. And the other thing we do is um you know is is it as scary as a hm is it as scary as a dinosaur with a big green booger hanging out of his nose and and he'd have a laugh at that. So that's kind of a playlisting approach as well.

21:34 Um, and again, just, you know, listening to those feelings. Um, and being careful not to mock them. So, you know, not not making him feel like there's anything wrong with being scared about it, but just sort of trying to give him a chance to laugh about the fear as well. Um, and then hopefully clear out the pipes and and feel a bit like, okay, I can do this. Um, the other approach Henand has is a long tearful goodbye. And that's actually about having that process at the the place where you're leaving your child and giving yourself quite a decent amount of time to to just let them cry and cry and you know step dance in and out of that. Um so I'd suggest you have a look at that approach. Have a look at um or if Julie could possibly pop the link up to the long tear for goodbye because I haven't tried that so much myself but I know a lot of people have had success with that.

22:30 Um, and I'm just trying to think. So, yeah. So, that it's it's a it's a plan. Um, it's um you may may not be able to fit those things in before you do the drop off. And that's fair enough. So, jumping on any opportunities at other times that you can let them have those big feelings come out. So, you know, when you've cut the toes strong um or the wrong color cut um you know, don't fix that. just sit down and be like, "Oh, okay."

23:01 But that that was really upsetting. I can see and and and and you know, and they could scream and say, "Yes, you're an idiot. I don't know how to make my toast properly." And you go, "Oh, like, yeah, I'm I'm here. That that's frustrating." And and just sit there and just let them and and especially when you're not sort of rushing to fix the situation. That's definitely going to encourage feelings. it's going to encourage them to really sort of go with that process. And so any little moments you can find to jump on those, then do um and I'm focusing on listening time and and stay listening today, but also if you can fit in some special time before or definitely after the separation, that can help as well. Um and arming your caregivers with the information. Um also honoring any caregivers that can't go with that. So if if it's not possible for someone to listen um if you can do all your listening beforehand and just be aware that it's not going to make anyone happy um if that caregiver is having to force themselves to do something that doesn't fit for them um if you haven't had any success in breaking through those barriers. And just yeah, loads of listening for you. Just um remembering what it was like um when you were separate. Um thinking about your first feelings of separation from any of your caregivers. Um thinking about what it would have looked like if you'd had any of the sort of releases your child has when being um left at at you know with a caregiver or at some sort of center or school. Um what would your parents have done? um how do you feel in that moment and and think about the worst the worst thoughts that come into your head? Um what's the worst case scenario? What's your fear if you can't fix this situation? Um all of the those things like listening time is really about exploring just the deepest most hurtful parts of um of your you know of of your thoughts, your mind chatter and things like that. And then being allowed and then being welcomed. And you know again clear thinking is what comes out of you letting go of those harsh thoughts or those um you know worrying thoughts or fears or you know hurts and and just maybe you crying for long periods about what it feels like when you do walk away. Um I used to have a lot of listening time after I'd done the drop off. I would schedule some listening for as soon as I got home and I would just, you know, cry about that about how hard it was about, you know, how it feels to be putting my child in that position and and all that sort of stuff. Um, so that's pretty much it. I am open to any questions. Um, anything you guys would like to know, please feel free to ask me now. Um, and I'm Auntie Ask, so I'm at um, www.antask.com.

26:00 Um, if you want to ask me questions there and on the Facebook page and I would encourage everyone today who is listening to do some further research into Handinhand. Um, we have a parent club which the links will come into the comments. Um, and there's a lot of support there. So there's a lot of, um, listening support, there's great articles, there's live talks. um all included in your membership. So, highly recommend you get on board there. Um I mean the basis of hand inhand parenting is obviously about supporting parents.

26:32 It's about um you know understanding how hard it is to do and that the best parents are well supported parents. Um and we've got to be there for each other. And um it it's just great to feel held and to feel um like everything you're doing is good. It's right. You're doing the best you can with the tools you've been given. Um and I just hope that for everyone it gets easier. I know how hard this is and I can say how wonderful it is to be at the other end of it now. And um I empathize with all of you who are in the thick of it. Um it's not easy and you are doing a great job.

27:15 So thank you guys.