Katie's Crib - What is a Conscious Parent

0:01 [Music] hi everybody and welcome to Katie's crib this is this is just a very very very special episode this is a special episode we have one guest and one guest only and her name is dr. Shefali sabari and she is a clinical psychologist who specializes in the integration of Eastern philosophy and Western psychology she is the author of three books the conscious parent out of control and the awakened family here's how I came to know her I got pregnant on

0:33 scandal I went to Kerry Washington who as we know is the most incredible actress mother activist I mean the girl is just incredible and I said oh my gosh I'm sitting here amongst piles of how to parent books and I don't know what to do and I'm very overwhelmed and I'm pregnant and Kerry said if you're gonna read one book and only one book it has to be the conscious parent and the book blew my mind and I am sitting now across

1:01 from you staring into your gorgeous eyes in Great Neck Long Island you guys which is literally the town next to where I grew up at Noir Washington's thank you so much for being here of course it's such an honor to meet you I am a super fan so this book the conscious parent that you guys run don't walk to read what is a conscious parent that's what is that the first question you get from everybody sure and then I

1:30 get an indignant affirmation from these parents saying I am conscious I'm already conscious so then we have trouble deconstruct what consciousness really means and I'll just tell you a little bit about the inspiration behind oral conscious parent you know having been a meditator for almost 15 years before I had a child I was exposed to the concept that we have this thing called the ego and this ego is a false

2:01 self a false persona that gets created because our intrinsic innate self was never seen heard understood or validated by our parents and all of us had very unconscious parents so they pass on this unconsciousness to us and because we want to preserve and thrive and survive we create this false self called the ego now the ego is not who we truly are and we talk about who we truly are it's the things we think we should be

2:31 which society tells us culture tells us so we should be beautiful we should be skinny we should be tall we should be short whatever it is the flavor of the common wisdom yeah whichever culture whatever the the most exalted qualities are so we grow up thriving to be that in order to feel validated and it's this thirst to fill the inner self that actually propels most of our life and we don't realize that we're doing things because we're

3:02 hungry and it's coming from lack and which is really fear and so we're not doing things because it's truly us we're doing things because we think we should and having children is one of them getting married is another all of these prescriptions yeah one after the other and so then we have kids and then we think we're having kids because the kids wanted to be saved from wherever hell they were at but it's not true they were

3:29 fine wherever they were at we think we should have kids because we have it on our checklist because it's one more thing we think we should do and of course we want to have kids but I don't know how many of us really deconstruct so then consciousness becomes about really becoming aware of who it is you are and who it is you've been playing all these roles you've been playing Wow because you you really can't you cannot

3:59 raise a conscious child unless you yourself are conscious yeah this is nothing to do with the child this is all Molly you're telling me okay so the work all has to do with me I knew that the conscious is about you realizing that you have been playing to your false self and you've been raising a false self within you and if you don't become conscious of that you will then negate and dismiss and eviscerate the true self

4:23 in the child and raise the child to now play to the tune of your false self and this is what we do we've been doing for generations every generation lives false and raises false and we have a culture of false alright right how what is the kind of work that a parent could do to get to be conscious to consider them you know if if I'm gonna raise my son to be a conscious being and and I want to start

4:48 with me which is what it sounds like I have to do how do I do that yeah well it's there's a simple answer than a complex answer the simple answer is understand that every time you react to your child it's because of something that the child has reached in you so it's not the child's bad behavior the child's temper tantrum or the child triggering you it's because you have an inner void within that gets if we're

5:15 awakened and triggered by your child so it's all you so that's the simple answer okay - no it's all you yeah at least start turning the spotlight within and then the complex answer is you have to undertake a process you have to go through a journey right it's like going to the gym do you go one time or do you commit to a lifestyle so it's a lifestyle of awakening a lifestyle of the self-help and deconstruction and

5:41 healing your childhood wounds it's it's a lot of work when we talk about making a lifestyle change like it's the gym like that would include what feels right for you meditation therapy yoga I don't know are these the types of things that we're abusing well I don't know how much yoga necessarily but yoga is a great exercise yes and it does bring you into the ground at present moment but I think what you what everybody realizes when

6:09 they have a child is that the child lives in the present moment like no other and we don't so there's a huge discrepancy there's a huge mismatch misalignment so we're always out of sync with our children if you know you know especially infants they're so in the moment or they don't know and they don't care that you have a party they don't care that they just vomited on your beautiful dress but they teach you to strip yourself of all those ego at

6:38 I was talking about they teach you be in the moment mom who are you without that so let go of your party let go of your phone remove your outfit let go the outfit all your machinations in your mind and focus on me now here and because they're so impetuous they really make you keep up with them meaning moment after moment so all the spiritual wisdom that you learn through meditation gets applied in parenting so when I mean what I mean by a lifestyle

7:07 changes you begin to see that you're not in tune with your child if you are an aware person and you begin to see that you're frustrated with your children not because of them but because of your inability to slow down drop your agenda be in the moment and right go slow you might be having like a totally disproportionate reaction to something small good thing because you just read an email yeah that stressed you the hell out something at work then they throw

7:31 something on the floor and all of a sudden you're so pissed off exactly and it has you know you are not there with your kid with exactly what they just did correct but many parents are oblivious to the fact that they're not present they just presume it's the kid and they fix the kid and they blame the kid and they shamed the kid so my work is all about toppling that paradigm and making the parent have the onus to

7:56 turn the spotlight within know what is it about you how did you react why did you react it's nothing to do with your child it's all about raising yourself oh my god it's all about raising yourself guys but it's complex now yes but it's for me it really when I read the conscious parent it really took in some ways the pressure off because I all of a sudden felt less responsibility like I have to teach him everything I know

8:27 because good lord I don't know a lot of stuff like when he asks me difficult questions in the future like what is God or why is this person mean to this person or something like there's gonna be a lot of times where I I don't know the answer I really don't and there's a huge topic in your book about you know my son is here to teach me you know my son is here to bring me to another level

8:49 of consciousness my son has been born because he's my greatest teacher and so it for me that might stress some people out for me I felt incredibly a weight lifted like I didn't have this responsibility to teach him the ABCs and how to divide and alt I mean please let him learn that stuff but like whatever I mean I was a terrible maths do it myself because you're an easygoing parent and you were okay with giving up that

9:16 control many people aren't they want the pedestal of being superior and being the ones who know and they want to fix the kid it's very hard for them to turn all that onto them and kind of fix themselves so but I hear you it's it's a relieving message for me too and many people who get it say the same thing a weight is lifted off my shoulders this is the only way to parent because it is

9:38 actually the truth is everything in life is only about us nothing is happening to us against us nobody is here to ruin our lives it's all about our ability or inability to handle our inner terrain and our children show us that more than anything I mean we become one year olds if they're one year olds we become three-year-olds and they've become five you know we're having temper tantrums because we were never raised in our wholeness so the moment we lose we feel

10:07 like we're losing control with our children like they're pressuring us too much or they're they're too shy or too withdrawn or making us look bad in front of our friends that's a huge see that's where I think I'm gonna fail is like see I can say all this and it's wonderful to have a one-year-old alby's about to be one I can put my phone down there's nothing as wonderful to me is like if I get one hour that I'm not working and I

10:32 know that it's gonna be a very present exchange of an hour like I'm not gonna look at my you know I have this but but I'm speaking from a place where it's not that hard yet I know that when he gets older and he is throwing a temper tantrum in public or he's not behaving how he should be behaving at whatever thing we're at that's really we're conscious parenting is going to be challenged and hopefully utilized and

10:59 and made stronger because it is an opportunity but the problem is what about everyone else raising my son yeah how do you work with family is where it's very difficult to get maybe one person on board but the spouse isn't on board or the nanny I mean how do you factually didn't like this right so just understand that just because it's your conscience doesn't mean you're not taking action so if your kid is throwing a tantrum you will still

11:26 address it but in a very different way first you won't be reactive you won't take it personally of course in your in your head your your little mind may get you know all upset and your ego of course you care in your mind but you know better as a conscious parent to return to the breath to not take it personally and to help your kids through their big feelings because children just have big feelings and they don't know

11:49 how to deal with and they need control the feeling out of control that's all it is but we get so threatened by their need for control then we up our control and now we have a power struggle so that's one thing and then dealing with unconscious people around you is extremely hard so I have always been misunderstood people have always told me that I'm a bad parent because I am NOT doing things how they think I need to do

12:14 it oh yeah always because they believe in control and domination and timeouts and I don't believe in any of that so I look like a loser parent in front of them and my kid is out of control is that real like response you would get like if your daughter was acting out or something anymore and putting her in a timeout completely judge you and I have been just a Clarion declare I've been judged maybe just still a few days ago

12:38 when I don't react my daughter was at a party the police were called she's 15 and a half now but she hasn't it's but she handled it so well however all her friends were vomiting and and my husband got upset like you shouldn't send her uuuuu and all I could see was her strength like this was amazing I didn't understand what he was talking about so it's diametrically opposite from mainstream and it is lonely but once you

13:06 get it you can't go back like I can't go back to mainstream ever again so it doesn't matter to me if I get disapproved or people scarf or people laughs how do you think it's affected your daughter as far as like is she good at knowing bound I mean I'm selfishly asking for myself because like I'm like okay if I'm choosing to raise Alby and a conscious parent style what type of adult is that going to make yeah

13:30 but who have you seen like what how does it work but yeah but you can't again focus on the other because they were I though they will be raised according to the tune of their authentic destiny you are here to assure them to that destiny with love with support with presence but you're not invested in how they turn out to be so I'm really not invested so for example it was my save was my crown I

13:54 don't care if you've been dr. everywhere it's if I care it's my ego that cares because my ego would feel good to know she's secure but who's to say if hope her that makes her happy if her path is circuitous and she first wants to be homeless in a third-world country and then you know then ends up in jail I don't know I'm just being extreme right now who's to say that path doesn't ultimately make her a more mother Teresa

14:22 than mother Teresa I don't know we don't know you know so these are all projection cultural projection so weed that we don't of course take our kid to drugs and we don't offer them alcohol we definitely teach them the ill effects of everything and the blessings of living it's not about being a less a fair it's about having wisdom and the detachment of your ego in their life their life as their life so say my daughter had called

14:49 and she had been vomiting then I would look at it as an opportunity to reallocate to rehaul to reconnect everything is an opportunity to come back to center so fear is not the response you see and fear is the typical response of the typical parent I refuse to go into fear now do I get scared sometimes of course do I caution her all the time of course but I won't be trapped in fear and her future will

15:14 certainly not be my obsession my future will be my obsession because I need to fix myself if I am body-consciousness that's the best thing I can do for everyone around me now she chooses to wake up to it she chooses to embrace it or she chooses to experiment in some other I'm here for her on her life path so this is the philosophy you know that we're here spirits assuring spirits they just happen to be smaller and less mighty but

15:42 my daughter is more strong than me right right yes you can but you're not here too right you're here to usher alongside them and to lovingly and spiritually guide them but you're not here to to control their life and and I don't want her to live a controlled prescribed life I wanted to live a mistake filled unordinary non-traditional fully experimented fully alive fully well lived life I don't want to have not

16:12 given her a prescription I didn't tell her who's to pray to I didn't give her a God to believe in I really didn't give her any of that but she knows right from wrong because right from wrong doesn't come from external sources it comes from a spirit connected to their own heart so if your kid is connected to their own heart they won't harm anyone else right so it doesn't we've been fooled to think I've got all these external

16:34 prescriptions create a good self you know and what is a good self you know so I've turned everything on its head and I challenge all prescriptions because I've seen their futility and I see how people just hold on to them like a raft in in turbulent waters only because they are frayed we're all afraid afraid really of the inevitability of our death really at the end of the death what it is all fears lead to that yeah do you feel so

17:04 you behaving and existing in this fashion alone is enough to influence the other caretakers around you I mean I'm personally asking because I have a nanny and a husband like yeah know what I mean it's not a no unfortunate oh I this was a huge continue to be a very humbling experience like I can cuz I'm also a being traveling alongside my husband who I have chosen to make a child with but remember whoever you

17:36 choose Nanny has been mother father if there is contrast meaning you're not clashing means there's something for you to learn and you're learning through contrast and most of us in our first 40 years because we were raised devoid of worse we typically will choose people of contrast where there's conflict where this back and forth where there's argument and let's let's talk about it we don't because we haven't yet learned to flow

18:08 with our own authentic selves we're really living false selves so we're going to attract lots of people who also are living in fall selves so we're all going to clash as we evolve and I've seen this happen in my own life those people kind of dissipate and then you begin attracting more synergistic people more aligned people who you flow with but this ain't the party is this number it's I think it's after 40 like late forties all right guys no this is really

18:38 good you know because I was I have to evolve evolution takes time so there has to be a passage of time you know I started meditating at 21 it didn't matter I still fell into cultural prescriptions and still had to evolve so to answer your question it's not about influencing everyone this was my biggest and continues to be my most humbling experience because I have so many people who learn from me but the ones who I

19:02 want to learn from me may not so I can't pick and choose who's ready for consciousness I can just only shine with my own light and it's annoying as hell but this is what you have to just keep coming back to shine with your own light don't interfere in another's path everyone's path is their own path they have a right to their own consciousness you just stay in your lane you know so I just keep telling myself that because

19:25 otherwise you keep wanting everyone else to change and no one owes you transformation no one owes you yeah yeah no one owes you anything so just because I'm talking consciousness doesn't mean people owe me to be conscious yeah too bad yeah what about in the same way like teachers in school yeah I have the teachers look at you like what the hell like has that ever happened when your kid like I know you mentioned this event issues fifteen

19:52 and a half that happened but like did you notice when she was growing up and in school like well you're not other parents or teachers who are all stressed out about grades or yes what to talk about this is a huge cultural prescription grades I mean I just looked at eight or nine preschools in Los Angeles and it's like it's just very already lining up with chores and jobs and like all this stuff and and it's

20:18 interesting cuz I'm a little bit more i'ma go with the flow I think although no I super have anxiety I don't know but I but I I don't know is what a lot of my answers are like I'm figuring it out like I'm just trying to figure out what feels right to how to raise a kid yeah but never done you very soon realize that apparently every parent knows this is how I was - at the age of eight I

20:43 took my daughter for her first ballet class yeah and they said they're going to put her with the four-year-olds and I said what do you mean apparently all the parents knew to start kids at four Shannon started out like I do what hell are you I didn't know so apparently this I will figure it out and this time is not the way but but it's it's the right thing let me tell you because but it was

21:08 fascinating to me when I came out of you know my little wooden boxes at home and homegrown everything and came out into the real world to see oh let me try and enroll her in a few classes she was way behind the curve by eight like I had already disadvantaged my kid and I wanted to know how did all the other parents know you know having a meltdown I I was terrified I was like what if I

21:32 did a disability I preferred my cars already yeah like she's so way behind now like she could only do solo activities because all the group activities she was behind so she did horse riding and tennis I mean what should you do one racket in one horse one animal because all the group activities she was behind she was a four year old yeah I hope she doesn't hear this I just told her she loves horses and loves tennis

21:54 and I've put that into her but really she didn't get into anything because she was so bi oh please but everybody's doing sorry and four oh yeah I'm day everything is so over schedule that's it's really but but here's where I empower parents out of out of my own legacy of shame that you know you don't buy into this this is an insane culture don't buy into it don't buy into it and the moment you don't and you free yourself and

22:21 extricate and of course work on all the insecurities that come up because you're the odd one out you realize that oh I don't have to subscribe to all this anxiety and all this achievement pressure I want to live my life differently so yes I live my life differently my daughter may never go to college she may never you know learn anything you'll save five hundred billion dollars exactly but she won't be anxious as much she won't be pressured

22:47 as much but most importantly she will learn to tune into her own rhythm and find experiences that match to who she is versus filling up a college application and what looks good on that what about talk to me about this awesome that this natural consequences thing because I like to see how conscious parenting again I think it's I think it's really wonderful to subscribe to when things are in flow and you're having a good day

23:17 but when hits the fan and you're really dealing with a kid that that is a let's say a biter Adam and I always joke what if we what if our kid in kindergarten is the biter right and the teacher is like holy crap outages is biting everybody like what do you do in that situation like how do you not I feel like conflict is the biggest opportunity to practice conscious parenting right because that's when things accelerate very quickly it's when

23:44 your does come up so how what would you do like what is the natural consequence how do you if you don't believe in timeouts or grounding or yeah okay so let's just let's just think and create the two paths that people could take so the kid is biting the traditional path and the non-traditional which is I'll call the conscious path let's go with the traditional path what would the traditional path say my kid is biting therefore he is what would you

24:12 call that kid so say Sean some kid shot a Shia yeah so Sean is what's the first thing all the parents in the class will think he's bad he's a bad boy right so first came up in one second how was that I was like oh my god he's the bad kid yes absolutely absolutely languish Sean he's the bad kid correct so when Sean starts biting and Sean is just a poor little two-year-old who doesn't know how to do anything but bite

24:36 because that's how he expresses his frustration he remembers that he's a primate you see all the other girls have forgotten he's like no I Know Who I am I snarl growl and I bite right you guys are pretending to be human I'm a primate okay so but but look how we adults will quickly judge him and of course we call that kid bad now traditional culture would say what do you do to bad people you must to bad children especially pun

25:00 is straight right so straight now we punish so what are the techniques of punishing you have to take something away right you have to yell what a school that is cold you know you have to threaten threaten yeah okay so now that's that's the mainstream paradigm okay it's just so predictable it's so linear and it ends up well let's imagine how it ends up so now you've put Sean in a timeout he doesn't even remember he's

25:25 bitten he's like I don't even know what you're talking about right I have no clue what to do instead nobody's teaching me no one's helping me you're just telling me I'm really bad I really don't know what I've done right but I I guess I'm bad so now what do you think is gonna happen in Sean's psychology after this he's nothing he's bad right is he getting up the next day thinking wow I'm the most awesome kid no

25:47 he's now because Sean says sedimented with the psychology that he's not so he's not that cool right now imagine this continues for five six months and imagine the parents are truly traditional they only know control only punishment you think it'll stay up just the timeout no to become from timeout to our little ass were paying to a little bit isolation then the kid is crying I mean I've had clients at the age of two who were locked up in closets and

26:15 basements you know my god and they remember so Sean will grow up and remember this so you can go ahead and spend all that money in therapy because it's coming right for sure but and you're creating disconnection right so the very tenets of parenting which is to create confidence and comfort and warmth and worth are being eroded through this linear paradigm okay so that's the traditional great so my work lately debunks it like you're not allowed to do anything react so the

26:42 moment there's a trigger I tell I teach all parents to pause and what are so big right and watch because I show them where they're going to go watch how they're dying to label the kid and they just have to pause till they come back to neutral so they're like please can I call my kid bad now and I'm like nope you can't talk to your kid till you go back to neutral and they're like but

27:03 what about now my kid told me to F off and told me I was an evil witch can I now call make it bad nope nope so we're not allowed to go down the path of judgement because judgment leads to hierarchy leads to superiority leads to righteousness leads to punishment and violence so you're not allowed to go down so parents like what do I do so then you cause first you pause and then you come to the other side now if

27:29 you're willing and you haven't gone down that trainwreck path yeah you now say what is my kid needing it's a need what is the need beneath the behavior who is my kid developmentally who is my kids spiritually consciously who is my kid emotionally you begin to seek to understand the human just like you would want to be understood if you have a temper tantrum at a lunch and you monopolize the entire lunch and the next day all your friends say you know what

28:00 she's an attention-seeker we need to teach her a lesson we're not gonna speak to her for six months would you like to be treated like that no you want to be understood you want to be heard heard and validated so it is with our children and they don't have sovereignty because we are a controlling culture that strips children of sovereignty so when they cry we seek to understand we seek to give them words we sue them we let them be heard and

28:27 then if we want to teach them we can then do some role-playing where we show them how biting hearts doesn't mean you bite them to hurt them but you could like playfully show you know this hurts and then you can short create empathy and do it with a dog that's what I was just thinking I would use the door I mean not make the dog bite him but I'd say the dog and the dog Oh a dog that's a good idea and you can

28:51 and you can here can practice okay a dog but you use creativity right you teach through creativity but you can only come to this place of compassion if you don't make the judgement that he is bad you stay in oneness you stay in compassion right the moment we make judgments that's it the trainwreck starts right does it this is brilliant does the judgment work if it's positive because see I already see it happening with my son a lot

29:21 my son is I don't know if it's because my husband and I smile a lot I don't know but my son smiles a lot when he sees people he if we're in an elevator and and someone's there he makes it a point to smile at that person and if we take him to a baby class he's gone and he's I would describe him as social and very jolly in his disposition now I associate with that he's a really

29:52 good baby but I'm already like oh my god we're already labeling him as such and I want to be sure that on moments in times where he's sad or maybe phases of his life where he's not social or has separation anxiety or we no longer can pass him around to people like right now we pass around he loves it it's fine but that might not always be the case and then are we I don't want to associate

30:15 that with oh no it's bad right so your silly way yeah yeah so you're very aware that you're already getting attached Oh a hundred I'm being jolly and him being social pressure yeah so be just watch watch how you're getting attached already rather than saying that's who he is right now very aware that it could flip tomorrow so don't set yourself up you see this is what we do we set ourselves up because we're like ah my

30:42 kid now you know is potty-trained and then in two days they're not every breast so bad yeah just don't get invested because that smiling behavior could also be the makings of a people pleaser like don't be so excited you know we don't know who I am Shefali you and we've only been talking for what how long 20 minutes so look how we we just put all these adjectives and it's all our need as parents to feel good about

31:13 our emptiness it's really that all this projection onto these children they're just being who they are and they're going to flip and change tomorrow and we're like look my kid my blood my DNA look how amazing look what I've created it's because we are empty inside that we need this that's why we cling to our children that's why we want them to become something so that we feel good about ourselves yeah it's horrible oh well it just is human nature I think I

31:42 don't think it's horrible it's very predictable it's universal and we're all doing it and it's our ego that is doing that yeah um what happens when my child asks tough questions like is there a god what are you saying yeah it's only tough for you because you haven't deconstructed it yourself right oh no no I Hey so so you could say what some people say da da da da da and others say da da da da da but I really because I don't know

32:11 if that's what you really believe just we'll keep exploring I don't know you know you just have to say the truth so you know I I I have deconstructed already so I was able to give my daughter an answer but you you say it from your truth but I do have an issue when parents put on to their children very rigid belief systems right because I want us to expose our children to what's out there and maybe even what we

32:42 believe in but allowing for them to have self expression and self ownership but we don't most religious people will put on their children their religion and again it's another it's another unit another another attachment that you're putting on them without the discovery of who they would want to be is it ever too late let's say someone has been an unconscious parent for years and years and years and read your book and they

33:12 come into it I mean yeah I was already too late but then I became conscious because I also took time I mean you have to really try you know I had to see my ego at play to believe that I was so unconscious I couldn't believe I was so unconscious so I myself was 3-4 years late so the answer is no you're you know you're never too late and you're always late so just let just let it got it just let it

33:39 whatever time whatever coming to do this practice and you within yourself and for your family is the perfect environment is it's too late and and never too late it's just the perfect moment so stop worrying now it's another way to worry right now oh I messed up for the past 15 years no forget the past 15 years you're here now let's start aligning now the moment is now and when you can hit the reset button in every now that's the

34:08 best you can do don't look at the past I mean we all can already cringe I'm sure you already in your one year can cringe at the mistakes you've made at home the scowling faces you've shown your kid scared your kid we've all made mistakes there is no perfect parent I was completely unconscious til my daughter was three or four and I was a meditator for twenty years so please there is no podesta here there's no hierarchy it just is

34:33 everybody's evolution whenever they arrive at it is when they were supposed to arrive at it hmm and your children chose you you know I tell very unconscious parents who then wake up and they have full up they're full of guilt I just tell them you your children chose you to you know they knew how effed up you are chose you so relax like don't they we have many lifetimes you know many lifetimes and he's mine my child

34:59 for a reason right now like we're really here to teach each other so obviously he came to learn from you so once you let go of this hierarchy that you need to do it perfectly and it's about you raising this child and turn it around to we are both raising each other we both chose each other at some energetic level to wake each other up then the anxiety goes away you know you can look at your kid

35:22 when you act crazy and go well why did you choose me you know you should have known better to have chosen me as your mom you know you can just play with it it's just once you have the right perspective of us all being spirits or energy just incarnated in this moment then it you just have the right lens you know I know we got into a little bit about like grades and getting into the college and you wanting what's

35:48 best for your child is what you think is best for your child it's not necessarily what's best for your child I mean your child gets to figure out that for him or her and guess what it's not even what you think is best for your child it's what you've been puppeteered that's what I mean and you're a parrot to what culture says is best for you yeah like college like he's a doctor like he went to this school or got these

36:10 grades or is a member of this many you know or he went to a third world country and build houses whatever is that you want to prescribe to what is this idea of ordinariness like what is that because I think I don't know I mean you're from India I don't I don't know what it's like there but I think there really is this concept here and it wasn't my parent to of this being special and you want your kid to be

36:36 special which might is that the opposite of ordinary I don't know well I think every kid is unique and we all unique but I don't know whether anyone is really special well we're not I mean it's like right right we're just unique I think that's the thing and when we can focus on each person's uniqueness actually then we will not fit everybody into the same mold but we want our kids to be special which means better than

37:00 other kids think about how sick that is really oh it's horrible we still have that for sure so we're so anti children actually when we know the social media is because it's like everyone and myself included like posting all of the the first birthday parties the first steps like look at how special but yet like a lot of it like it's all the same like it's not it but you see now it's so beautiful that our

37:26 social media exposure lends a light to our dire desperate need to be seen I mean it's so sad oh my gosh but they party first piece of spinach first poop first leaven inverse tooth pulled out I mean really do I don't I don't need to know about your kid but you have a need to tell me about your kid because you get something from it yah Manson like your than sound my god

37:57 we definitely do it we definitely I'm admitting it right here right now Albie went to his first dentist's appointment this morning and let me tell you something that is gonna be posted to the iCloud sharing for the whole family to see and it's gonna be so special and I'm gonna get so many texts about how cute Albie is and how lovely is teeth and what a good mommy man I'm gonna feel amazing because you you're acting as if you're going through

38:17 milestones like you are achieving something exactly I just talked about this because it's one-year birthday my husband's like who cares is his one-year birthday like he's never we don't have to this whole thing but I'm like but it's about me I've done a great job raising him for a year so his first year birthday it's my birthday I mean if you shouldn't that you should just be real and say have a party for myself yeah and

38:39 everybody's like where's your kid you're like Quinta I'm drinking my favorite rose' like I'm doing what I wanted to send your kid out for a playdate because it's nothing to do with music he loves this music clean up he wants to go have a nap and just be with his five toys and let him go and you have the party then I am so let's not pretend we're doing this so selflessly like that's what is the biggest force that

39:00 always such selfless parents when it's so clear that we're eager maniacs and so thirsty so coming back to the concept of ordinary is we're all ordinary and we should have no pressure to be anything but whoever it is we are which is really which is people we're just some of us are talented in something but everyone has something unique who cares does everyone have to be on a stage as everyone needs to be having accolades and medals this is our sickness because

39:31 we feel so empty inside our children don't have that need you know my daughter why I say the story all the time she once did an assignment with a tutor and I paid $100 and all this big fancy assignment with all this these poster boards and after the tutor left she began taking pictures and sending it to all her friends so here he okay my competitiveness I was like what are you doing she's like oh I'm just sharing look what a great

39:57 job I did let them all have the benefit and I went ballistic I was like did their parents pay hundred dollars like why are we sharing what I paid for no no no no no no and she's like mom I don't care if they do well I was like I didn't my head I knew she was saying really great pearls of wisdom but in that moment my ego was roaring I was like I don't care that you don't care I

40:18 care like this is about you I did this for you and I saw my venom and my small mind and my competitiveness but thankfully my daughter didn't care about what I said either and so she just went ahead and sent it to everybody anyway and she did it anyway because she truly was divested of the desire to be the one see we want our children to be the one but that's a sick mentality because the one at the cost of

40:43 others right because we don't care about other people's children we just want our kid to be the first and we're sick in that and she taught me a lesson and I stopped caring as much now I as much I don't know I've let it go because I want the higher vision of what's good for all and the system is set up in a skewed way to be competitive so again once we let go of this dire need for us to all be

41:11 the best the most perfect the most beautiful we will realize that we're all one all our children are important there is no need to be the best because we're all good at whoever it is we are so we as parents need to propagate this because children are good at that children don't need to be the best the prettiest they've learned that from us so we need to really reallocate our children and ourselves to take away all

41:39 this to take it away and say no you don't need to be the best you be the best at who you are you fight toward your standard not to the standard because the standard is not an objective standard it's an acculturated conditioned often toxic standard so you figure out who you are and just play to you you play to the tune of you it really this is gonna be a real adventure Shefali that's how I feel because I I

42:06 think this is gonna be real it already is it's just very challenging like to just keep yourself and your expectations and your wants and desires to be the best which obviously I was definitely raised with and not put that on him it's gonna be like and what's great about your book in it I you have to see it as an opportunity for the chance to get to practice over and over and you have to ask what is my mission

42:35 my ultimate mission as a parent is to allow my child's true self to unfold whatever that looks like it you can't decide and of course I can hear all your audience perhaps some of them saying oh well what if his true self is an addict what if his true self is a criminal well that's again fear talking and lack and jumping to conclusions the true self isn't that doesn't have to be anything like that the true self is simply their

43:02 real self not conditioned and produced by you that's all it doesn't mean now we're raising criminals mm-hmm right people get so afraid that unless we micromanage our children they're going to be criminals my child grew up without a religion my child grew up without competition without achievement pressures and she's a good kid she's a just an ordinary good kid and I don't expect her to be anything other than that if she chooses some other path it's

43:28 her choice it has nothing to do with me if I want success I need to go get it for myself if I want fitness I need to go get it for myself if I want good eating I eat good at for myself and I model it and if she chooses she chooses you know and of course when they younger you have more quote/unquote control yeah because I'm putting the food you're putting the time but soon you'll have to

43:52 you know give and take there'll be a lot of compromise this was so amazing I can't tell you how mind rocked I am and how excited I am to have my husband listen to this podcast and like everybody I know are there any closing words or statements or advice or anything you want to add if not we are chock-full of a million gems but if there's anything else but I just I would

44:23 just end by saying that every parent needs to decide if they want to do it the traditional way or be daring to try a new way so that we can raise a new generation of kindred spirits who are truly illuminated for their own sense of divinity Worth and well-being thank you so much dr. Shefali zibari thank you

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