Watch 4 Years of Procrastination Make Sense in 16 Minutes | Coaching with Joe

0:00 I've been trying your two tips, the 10% of attention and the gut and then enjoy the moment 10% more. >> Yeah. >> And the question is, how can I enjoy my work if doing those two things keeps bringing up grief over and over again? >> >> Grieve. >> Yeah, grieve. >> No, I'm I'm giving you the answer, grieve. >> Oh, I see. >> Yeah. What makes grieving that What makes grieving unenjoyable?

0:30 Or what makes it that you can't feel into your gut when you're grieving? >> It feels like it gets in the way of working. >> So, it sounds like the thing is like Joe, how do I feel all my emotions around work and not stop working? Is like how how much is that the question?

1:04 Or let let me just say that differently. What is your question since the answer is what do I do if grief comes up? Grieve. And then you're like, I don't want to do that cuz I might stop working. So, what's your question? >> I guess the question is more how do I How do I start working more effectively cuz my whole procrastinated in my PhD a lot for the first like four years.

1:39 >> Grieve. >> >> That's what everybody else I'm talking to in AOA saying too. >> >> Yeah, you've been beating the out of yourself, which is what's creating the procrastination. And telling yourself that it has to be a very particular way or has to look a particular way and you're forcing yourself into something. And you can either grieve or continue in that process and those are the those are the options.

2:14 Both will work. You'll get your PhD done either way. One will just feel a lot better and probably happen quicker. The other one will continue on the four years of procrastination. So, this thing that you're doing right now where you kind of like leave out the back of yourself and it's kind of a like a dissociation of sorts. What is that? How did you learn that?

2:52 >> I I was trying to like what you say think, but what actually happened was the dissociation. >> Yeah. What is that Where did you learn that? What is it protecting you from? Don't think too hard. Just quick answers. >> >> Schizophrenic mom braiding me at the table for like three years straight. >> That'll do it. Oh, yeah. Right. So, it sounds like some part of that schizophrenic mom braiding you at the table is now in your head braiding you and during your PhD process.

3:29 How accurate is that? Don't think too much. Just Yeah. >> The words are pretty similar. >> Yeah. Great. So, you didn't deserve that. You still don't. And it hurt. And it still does.

4:05 >> Yeah, that's what I'm resisting. >> Yes. Yeah. So, what happened when you were a kid when your mom got her way? She's berating you at the table. And you let it affect you. Instead of Instead of going out the back door, you just like actually like it actually affected you. What was What was the result of that? Probably only happened once or twice before you learned not to do that.

4:46 >> I don't remember. I'm like really disassociative. I can't I can't remember most of it before middle school. >> Got you. What do you think happened if you had to guess? >> really angry sometimes. >> Yeah. And what was her response to your anger? >> Mhm. I I want to say more angry, but I actually can't remember a lot of a lot of it, you know.

5:19 >> Yeah. So, do me a favor and just in a really angry voice say, "I get to grieve." 10 times. No thinking, no stalling, just I get to grieve. I get to grieve. I get to grieve. You can't tell me that I don't get to grieve. I get to grieve. >> I get to grieve. I get to grieve. I I grieve. You can't tell me not to grieve. >> Yeah. >> I'm going to grieve.

5:53 >> More. >> I get to grieve. I get to grieve. I get to grieve. >> Yeah. What happens in your system when you do that? >> A lot of anger. Yeah. >> Yeah. >> It's white hot. Yeah. >> How much of your procrastination is repressed anger?

6:24 Or repressed anger meaning anger at yourself instead of anger out. >> This is what the inner criticism is. I also get angry at my sadness. Yeah. And I also get angry if I ask myself what's underneath the sadness, it's like anger everywhere. >> Got you. >> >> Yeah. >> And it all turns into just negative self-talk is what I'm hearing.

6:58 >> >> You're angry at >> Except for except for when I feel the anger that's under the sadness, but all of the other ones are. >> Got you. Great. So then that's the job. Grief isn't just sadness, you know. Grief is also anger and fear. Grief is like the transition of one thing to another, the transition of being ruled by your schizophrenic mom to the not being ruled by the schizophrenic mom.

7:32 And it includes tears, and it includes anger, and it includes fear. All right. The issue is no matter what I say or do here, I'm going to be a lot like your schizophrenic mom, meaning anybody forcing you to do something needs to be resisted. Right? Anybody like trying to get you to change needs to be resisted, like your mom was. Do you feel it in our relationship right now?

8:06 Do you feel the resistance? >> feel like I like a a large part of me like hates you or something. >> Yeah, exactly. >> And it's happened even with like I do like a lot of Kelly's meditations and I glimpse and I glimpse and what happens is I feel angry towards him on the video. I'm like, "What the That makes no sense." Like >> That's what it is. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Brilliant. Yeah. You can be angry at me all you like. I'm totally happy with it.

8:30 But that that's that's the relationship. Now, anybody who's in that authority figure needs to be resisted like your mom needs to be resisted. Cuz your mom did need to be resisted. But it makes the relationship of like this relationship challenging because it's like I'm going to be resisted. But I'm okay with that. I'm not going to attack you for that.

9:09 Even now, when you're still angry at me, I'm okay with that. Yeah. And it's not just me, it's you have to resist that voice in your head, too. It's not just that your mom that your voice in your head sounds like your mom, it's that you have to resist it the way you resisted your mom, which is what creates It's stagnation that's happening in your life.

9:43 >> Okay, so what do I Wait, I'm confused now. What do I do differently? >> What do you what? >> What do I do differently if I'm also resisting the voice? >> But anything I say is going to be need to be resisted. >> >> What does it matter? I can say whatever. And if it if it isn't resisted, if you're like, "Okay, I'm going to go do this thing." You're going to go do it for whatever one or two or three weeks and then you're going to resist it.

10:07 Cuz it's going to be the next thing that you tell yourself that you have to do like your mom did at the table. >> Yeah, that happens a lot when I'm listening to the AWA podcasts. >> Right. Exactly. So there's like it doesn't matter what I say. It'll just become part of the Yeah. But let's see. We'll do one experiment, see what what could potentially work. I want your help.

10:40 Say it to me three times. >> Oh, Oh, yeah. Wow. >> >> Yep. >> >> >> I mean, if you don't want your help, my help I should go.

11:22 >> your help. I want your help. >> That's two. One more. >> Oof. Yeah. I want your help. >> Great. And now three to your mom. I'm not saying she's capable of giving it to you, but I know you want it.

11:52 Can I say I want your care and stuff? That's what I've been Yeah, that's fine. I want your care.

12:23 One more. I want your care. Now you're going to tell her I want your help. >> >> I want your help, Mom.

13:01 Mom.

13:38 >> One more time. I want your help, Mom. >> I want your help, Mom. >> And now the last one. I want your help towards yourself. Towards that voice that is such an to you.

14:10 >> I want your help. >> Can you give that one to me a couple more times? >> I want your help. >> Yeah.

14:42 >> I want your help. >> Yeah. Of course. Of course you do. It's like 100% natural. Notice this war that you've been having with yourself. Notice where it is right now. Notice the quiet that's not dissociative.

15:26 >> I actually just feel very scared. Like a lot of >> Go ahead. You're scared a lot of what? >> Tingling. Yeah. It's like everywhere. >> Yeah. So, savor the tingling for a minute. Like see if that can actually be a pleasure. >> Oh, it's pleasurable. >> Okay. >> >> All right. Yeah.

15:58 Pleasure anxiety is a thing. This is the work that you have to do. >> Oh, and that I want help. Take care and be scared. >> Stop pushing it away. Yeah. >> The desire for help? >> No, stop pushing the the the help away. If you go in the desire that you actually can allow for the help. You can see that you can be cared for.

16:28 >> Okay. >> By yourself and by others. >> Mhm. >> Pleasure to work with you. >> Me too. Thank you. >> You're welcome. Thanks for watching the video. And if you're interested in having this level of conversation not as like a video that you watch, but something that happens in your daily life. It's an easy thing to learn and we teach it all the time at the connection course. As a matter of fact, right now, there are a whole bunch of people having transformative conversations in the connection course. So, if that's something that turns you on, go ahead and click the link below.