The Oprah Show: Your Life in Focus Tour

0:00 and are you able as ww teaches to treat yourself with compassion having reverence for yourself is what i mean when i say be the love you need and that's a beautiful word think about that for a moment that word reverence do you have reverence do you revere yourself it's a it's a powerful thing to have reverence for yourself i want to introduce now dr shafali now if you don't know who she is oh my goodness she's a clinical

0:32 psychologist the author of a trailblazing new book coming soon called a radical awakening i have read it i'm telling you you should pre-order it now if you want a radical awakening a shake-up in your life her earlier book though let me just tell you the conscious parent changed the way i think about parenting forever i think i probably have i counted the other day because i just gave a book to someone else 21 copies on in in my personal private

1:00 library because anytime anybody in the world hints that they might be pregnant i send them a copy of the conscious parent so best book ever and all the years i've ever been talking to experts on television which is since 19 something um dr shivali's book on conscious parenting is the best i've ever read hi dr shafali hello oprah thank you for having me here today great to see you so will you please

1:32 share with us the radical awakening of what it means to be the love you need what does that mean to you it's so powerful you know this conversation around being the love you need is one of the most profound and pivotal conversations we can have so i'm so glad to be part of it you know as a clinical psychologist i have observed that not being this love is the cause the ultimate cause of our human

2:04 suffering across the board as a psychologist i have observed family after family that there is one common human denominator and that is the childhood abduction of our authentic self you know as children we were raised to be puppets and minions and soldiers in our parents and cultures army to fit into the boxes that they imposed on us and because of this we gave up our authentic self we suppressed

2:35 our truth we became anything they wanted us to be oh you want me to be a pleaser okay you want me to be a comedian okay you want me to never show my feelings okay you want me to control and micromanage and overachieve and over uh produce okay and so we split off from this inner truth this inner knowing this inner connectivity and this abduction from true self actually created shame within us this guilt to be our true self that's

3:04 why we women especially because we especially are trained it's in our emotional dna to be lost to ourselves so we have shame now when we want to reclaim that true self so this radical awakening that we need to go through is this epiphany that this true self is a stranger to us and we've been looking for her or him through our food through our lovers through our children through our beauty

3:35 through our body and really this recklessly our things through our things through the acquisition of our things and you know oftentimes as you state in the very beginning of radical awakening it takes something major in your life to shake you up and wake you up because you know i just celebrated 67 years going around the sun and i've been paying attention and listening all of these years to all the great people i've had the opportunity to speak to

4:06 and so many different walks of life and one of the things that things that i know is that the universe the forces of life are always trying to guide you to your best self that's why you're here and when you don't pay attention would you allow that authentic self to be smothered to be covered to be shown in other ways to to behave the way other people want you to it is constantly the forces of life are

4:36 constantly constantly consistently trying to move you choice by choice in the direction of your best truest self and sometimes it takes a major accident sometimes it takes something tragic to happen in order to wake you up that false self i liken it to the shell of an egg so it is going to keep cracking in order for the truth to emerge so sometimes it takes this epiphany this pain portal that we're in right now this pandemic to

5:09 birth us into our authentic self where we realize that in order to be the love we need we need to endorse ourselves more than any other we need to care about our intimate communion with our voice more than another's voice our approval of ourselves matters more than another's and when we arrive at this place this radically awakened place now we are ready to embrace our sovereign truth it takes so much undoing because

5:40 cultures voice our parents shame their guilt their unmet dreams their unmet expectations that is the inner plague and the real diet the real awakening comes when we change that inner tape and disrupt those patterns okay you say that we must honor our worth by asking at least one question and what is that question well in every moment we have to understand that we can align

6:12 with who it is we truly are so every choice can match how we truly feel so we need to ask does this does this role does this yes does this know does this choice match with how i truly wish to feel and when we turn inward and keep checking in with our truth with our voice and let go of the false voices now we begin to align with our authentic truth well i know that for so many people uh

6:45 who are joining us today you you you make choices because i did this for years you make choices not based upon what you feel you make choices based upon what you feel you have to do this sense of responsibility this sense of obligation so how you know i think that's a beautiful question but not everybody is in a position of their life where they can just make choices that are in alignment with how they feel i now do that but it has taken me years

7:18 to get to that point it's not like oh i'm going to hear you say this and now tomorrow i'm just going to make choices that are in alignment with exactly how i feel because we've been trained to do things on the outside we've been trained to be attuned to the external voice so what we are talking about today is a paradigm shift that we need to now stop the doing and stop the external craving and shift it around

7:46 to the internal and the being this is the paradigm shift and yes we have to go on a journey we have to reclaim that truth because we have so left that inner child on the sidewalks of our childhood in puddles of tears with broken teddy bears so now this journey involves going back on this quest to reclaim who we left behind but until we do this oprah we will be foraging the earth for love and worth

8:14 on the outside from lovers to botox to butt implants to careers we'll be searching but it's right here and this is the paradigm shift that we have to go you know i know the the the the wizard of oz i i mean one of the greatest spiritual teachings everybody's out here looking for the yellow brick roads in their life and it's always always right here in your own heart in your own backyard now i know you believe that by sharing

8:42 dr schwali our stories we collectively rise so let's do that now by getting out our workbooks together and uh learning where we are on our self-love scale this is just a fun uh assessment of how you think about yourself and the love you have for your own person today's workbook pages were included in the email that we sent you all when we when you uh registered at www.com your life in focus so you can still go there now to register

9:14 and get your workbook including all you folks watching on facebook and youtube but if you don't want to do that we're also going to put the pages up on the screen and you can either write down your answers at home or if you're on the zoom you can enter your answers at the prompts on your phone or laptop and then zoom is going to tally our collective scores so that we can all find out how we're

9:35 doing in loving ourselves okay look at the top of your workbook this is the love intention that i want you to remember as we move through this exercise so the ability to give ourselves the love we need is the most valuable gift we'll ever receive all love begins with the love we have for ourselves showing ourselves loving kindness when we get off track like jen said be gentle with yourself tenderness in times of trouble reverence

10:08 in both moments of elation and uncertainty help us to become stronger and ultimately healthier in all ways this is how we're gonna score first number one is not me at all number two is sometimes me and number three is often that's me number four is ah that's me okay now read through each question and select what most resembles you and then we're going to register that

10:39 in to the zoom poll or you can just write it down on a piece of paper okay remember this is a check in to give you an idea of where you are in this moment number one i appreciate and accept myself at any point in my wellness journey is that not you at all is that sometimes you often that's me or number four that's me okay i appreciate and accept myself at any

11:11 point in my wellness journey all right number two i have a self-care ritual that is important to me and i make time in my day to prioritize and practice it is that not you sometimes you often you or that's you number three when i get off track over indulge in a favorite

11:44 food hello potatoes or skip a workout spend more money than my budget allows i'm able to change course without a lot of negative self-talk is that you sometimes often not number four when i'm alone i rarely feel lonely i am able to create joy for myself have a great

12:17 party of one is that you sometimes often not [Music] number five when uncertainty takes over i practice patience giving myself the time i need to understand the situation as best i can not me at all sometimes me often that's me that's me

12:49 [Music] okay forget to scroll down and hit submit at the end if you're doing this on zoom now everybody add up your score and we're going to talk about what those scores mean okay raise your hand if you scored a five to eight raise your hand let me see you five to eight anybody on here five two eight

13:19 rebecca did you raise your hand yeah rebecca no you did not raise your hand okay nobody even scored five to eight this is good oh oh george did i see your hand there tell me what hi george there's george there in a burgundy sweater it looks like guys pull him up hello

13:50 hello can you hear me hi yeah i can hear you george go ahead we can all hear you so um yeah i scored an eight which i was like going maybe i could change one of my interests and get back above eight but i didn't i was honest with myself and um yeah i i i do well for the most part and then when i do start to fail or start to go off track i kind of go

14:16 just keep going keep going don't worry about it just keep going and i'm gonna and i let myself go worse and then i feel worse about it so it's kind of like a ritual perpetual perpetual thing i go by if i fail i keep going till i feel worse and then i feel totally terrible but then usually the next day i can pick myself up again but it's what about what about that what about that beautiful

14:40 uh advice we just got from jennifer garner about you know being able to tell yours be gentle with yourself george well so george this is what your score and everybody else who scored five to eight uh says about you it seems like there's an opportunity to actually show yourself more love and this will help make it more likely to achieve what you want replacing as we've just said negative self-talk with some kind of thoughts be gentle

15:08 with yourself can begin to shift your mindset help you feel just a little better in the morning moment and that's all you need is a little and then a little more and before you know it your whole vibration has changed so thank you so much george for being honest enough to share that uh eileen from illinois scored also an eight and describes life right now as just spinning plates and says it feels impossible to put herself

15:35 first tell us about that eileen hi oprah um so during the pandemic that's completely accurate i feel like i'm doing nothing but constantly spinning plates between homeschooling cooking cleaning bedtime bath time and most importantly to my children is the role of snack servant and it's like groundhog day every day um snack servant i love that term so you managed to get everybody

16:05 out for this warning how'd you do that well you'll be surprised how easy it is to find a babysitter when oprah's involved that's the truth because i haven't had this in a long time so thank you oprah virtual high enjoy so dr shafali you say because you've heard uh a a bit of eileen's story our producer shared with you and you say that eileen is using control to keep

16:36 herself distracted explain that i think eileen is overwhelmed like so many people yes and because she's spinning out of control on the inside that's what we women do especially as us mothers because we don't allow ourselves to honor what's going on on the inside we get lost in the doing and the caregiving and the helicoptering and over managing on the outside until the helicopter crashes to the ground so eileen was

17:07 able to drop some of her plates this morning when she's coming on with oprah and this is a perfect symbol of how we give up ourselves because we don't think of ourselves as worthy but she considered this moment with you worthy so now she could drop some of those plates so those spinning plates really are a sign and symbol of her inner world you know outer world reflects the inner world so the only way for eileen

17:34 to let go of this control that she's trying to manage everything and do it all perfectly these are the masks we women wear over competency over perfectionism overdoing overachieving over caretaking until we drop those masks drop those roles there will be no space for the real quest the real mastery which is the inner mastery of her inner world that is really spinning out of control what do you want to say to that eileen

18:05 you know what i feel there's a lot of valid points um that there's so much going on i almost feel like i'm constantly in turmoil because i'm i'm everything to this house you know the teacher the cook the cleaner and i've always loved and appreciated teachers so much um i really appreciate them more now than ever because i've taken on their position and i know how hard they're working because doing anything in real life and then

18:33 doing something on zoom are two different things being in person is so much easier and um i wish i didn't have to have all this control that i have to have and all these i didn't wish i didn't have to wear all these hats that i do but i do so i'm just trying to stay afloat during and survive and keep my kids healthy during a pandemic and it's just really difficult right now like whatever as it is now dr um and and and you know

19:01 one of the reasons why we wanted to talk to you eileen is because you represent a world of other people you are speaking snap your fingers nod your head is she not speaking for almost everybody here today and uh you know it's easy for for for anyone to say um you know you need to start looking inward and you need to drop some of the things that you're doing so how do we how do you do it which is

19:30 what i one of the most important lessons i learned in the 25 years on the oprah show is it how you begin to do that is the key because it's not going to happen all at one time so dr shafali what is the one thing eileen and every one of us listening today who feels some of that spinning can can begin to do well if there's one thing i need people to recognize is that this outer doing

20:00 is a distraction that we have created in order to feel worthy and if we don't get it that it's not really that we have to be the perfect teacher we have to be the perfect parent our children need to be fantastic students it is not that that is how we have fooled ourselves because this is how we were trained to get an identity for ourselves to get love for ourselves to get people to eat your children need to eat

20:29 they need to eat but if they can't eat gourmet food today they cannot eat gourmet food if the kid cannot get an a grade they cannot get a grade we must first be sane and healthy on the inside the achievement and the perfection has to go that is a false way we have been trained to get love and we're getting distracted and this pandemic is telling us hey slow down slow down let it go the world

20:56 is not perfect the way you thought you are not in control death is around the corner step into the now and this is a wake-up call and we must shed those old roles of overdoing and over achieving our children are suffering because of it and we are suffering so it's not a longer conversation we need a longer conversation about this because i i know this for sure that this pandemic is here to help us move forward

21:26 into the light and if we don't use this moment the moment will be lost forever and you know i hate to think of what you know what what shows up next if we didn't listen to this but eileen i just want to say that what it took to get i'm looking at at your background and what it took to get your house this clean on a saturday morning may the lord bless you for that i mean there isn't a speck or of nothing

21:56 really incredible thank you so much thank you thank you okay let's go back to our scores who scored a 9 to 12 keep your hands up uh okay i see you genie genie genie right there 9 to 12. hello what tell me tell me what's going on genie that's jenny odd it says odd ginny hi

22:27 yeah yeah we hear you yeah i do have you okay it's your name where where where are you zooming from uh starts in california oh good good good hey yeah so nine to 12. it's probably easier for you to forgive others than it is to forgive yourself yet there's no reason not to direct the same or more kindness and compassion your way what's going on in your life um i find that i just i give advice to my friends but i can't

22:58 take my own advice and i've always been that way but it's so hard to like listen to what i want to say to people and hear it for myself it's really difficult to get past that and that's something i have started working on uh i finally reached out and started speaking to someone to get my mental health on track so we've started talking about that and giving myself a positive enforcement to say you know yeah you have

23:25 struggled but here are why you've succeeded and what you're good at what you've done so far it's okay that mistakes have happened but you know you're moving forward and they are making you who you are so it's okay so to embrace those mistakes but also learn from them well the fact that you're here this morning and that you are self-aware enough to be able to express that means that you are obviously on the right track so give yourself a

23:52 big high five for that jenny give yourself is we're gonna give you a big high five for that thank you patrice scored a nine and says that negative self-talk takes over when she gets off track what's going on patrice hi oprah hi dr shafali me supporting myself is really a work in progress i try to be kind to myself but then the negative self-talk and constantly comparing myself to others kicks in to help fix that in 2020 i made a vision

24:25 board on the vision board i decided to focus on my career losing weight and finding a romantic partner then the vision board went completely out the window i tried to stop the negative self-talk continue with that continue with the vision board but i just feel stuck and i'm wondering what should i do dr shafale well you know the thing about these vision boards is that it's gotten us all confused so i think i want to

24:58 challenge us all to create a completely revolutionary transformed vision board most of our vision boards are about who we want to be in the future and because they are about who we want to be it's about who we are not in the present right there are two big mistakes one it's future based two it's lack based then we often put a perfect body on the vision board or mansion or a bentley again we're

25:29 focusing on objects not feelings so the external the lack and objects takes us further away from the present moment so instead of the vision boards that you're creating and we have been trained to create let's create a new daily vision board for the now so these are the kinds of questions that we can begin asking instead of just pasting pretty looking shiny shiny glossy things on the vision board we can ask each day who am i today

26:01 am i being my truest self today and what do i want more of in my life right now so that i can be more authentic what do i not want more in my life right now so that i can be my truest self what do i need to do now to arrive at a new inner state of being and when we begin to focus on the being state in the moment in the present now we shift from craving

26:29 and lack and the what if in the future to the now to the abundant to the plenitude to the what is it is a return to the present moment oprah i mean we have to train and retrain our mental muscle because we've been so conditioned to look out there we need to now start pointing that finger to the inner state of alignment every single day yes it's a moment by moment practice so you i i agree and you said

27:00 this at the very beginning too that you that that it was a it's a daily journey and it's a daily it's a it's an ongoing process and it never stops and but do you not think that having long-term goals are you saying that a person shouldn't have a long time long-term goal or vision or idea about what they want to do in the future they can but it can be a trap because then you're just focused on something way out there and

27:32 in the moment that doesn't match up so i rather us shift the paradigm to let's start with the present moment is my current moment aligned expand that to the current home situation to the current relationship to the current career stay very tight and connected to who am i now and extricate eradicate all that i am not now and as you begin saying no to the dysfunctional to the toxic to the unworthiness that we

28:04 feel to the shame as we start letting that go and shedding that now the true self emerges with power and might and the true self begins to tell you now go next to that that place now go there it's a very intimate connection yeah i i see what you're saying so what what you're saying is that you want to be able to have a a a vision for your future but have every step that you take every

28:34 choice that you make in the now move you in the direction of that so that you're not not focused on what's out there but you're focused on what's happening in this moment that that's a great way to live is to have the vision but let every every you agree but oprah look at what this pandemic showed us we were so ready to go to tahiti and bali and all these fancy places in 2020 in the summer i know i was

29:01 and the pandemic showed us there is no future there never was a future there never will be a future the only time zone we have is the present so it has been the most marvelous wisdom teacher albeit through pain because we humans seem to be suckers for pain we only seem to really crack that egoic shell through pain but look what it's taught us there is no future so i teach all my clients ah your thoughts are about the future

29:31 and they're based in lac these are the two things we do future and lack come back to the present where are we now how do we clean up our life in the now what do we take out in the now and i'm telling you when you reorient your life to the present moment you not only emerge more sovereign you also allow yourself to play with life you know when you get fixated on that outcome on that four-year college on

29:56 that ivy league education on that skinny body then you're not open to something that could happen like this pandemic when we are open in the now now we can play with the now now we can enjoy in the now we're not just fixated on oh my future did not happen we stop we stop based living based in the future we must focus and expand our consciousness to the present yeah the now that that's been the greatest greatest

30:24 greatest teaching most beneficial lesson i ever received is being able to just be in this present moment and it's actually what's gotten me through the pandemic is just focusing on how i'm feeling right now not what's going to be a month from now or two months from now none of us would have predicted that we'd be still in this situation uh 11 months later and uh i've gotten through it just concentrating on the present moment is is this helpful to you patrice has

30:52 this been helpful yes this has been extremely helpful and something i've actually been working on with a counselor so she's been trying to get me to see that but the way you explained it really brought it home a little better so thank you okay and you don't even have to pay me no counseling fees here for me or dr shafali okay thank you so much uh bless you in the journey okay back to scoring how about a 13 to

31:22 17 that means 13 to 17 oh that makes sense all y'all on here hello alexandra up there with your 15. uh self-love is definitely part of your personal uh toolkit means you use it often hello i see you jamie uh but there are those moments where more self-acceptance without judgment could work well for you think about what helps you show yourself love identify ways to bring that into life in tough moments okay that means y'all are doing really

31:51 okay 13 to 17 really doing okay on the journey of course you would be that's why you're up here on a saturday morning okay who got 18 to 20. hands clap in because you're giving yourself the love that you need i see joyce very good very good by regularly practicing acceptance of and kindness towards yourself uh you have lots of space to take in love being the best version of yourself jocelyn was that you two you scored 18

32:22 to 20 jocelyn in red nope okay 19 i see there coach books coach books you need to score 19 you're a coach okay okay uh fantastic guys okay let's see how everyone did as a whole five percent zoom we're five to eight that means of course because if you're if you're on this zoom it means you're moving in the direction of giving yourself the love you need um those of you who are five to eight we're

32:54 happy to have you here because it means more self love is needed 29 scored 9 to 12 47 were in the 13 to 17 range and 19 were 18 to 20. that's our self-love success story for this morning dr shafali i can't you you know i could talk to you forever i can't wait to talk to you on supersoul about your book radical awakening i think the world needs to know um and needs to hear what you have to say

33:24 again i say conscious parenting best book ever for anybody who's having a baby has children thank you so much for being here today thank you thank you all thank you radical awakening coming coming soon you can pre-order it at a radicalawakening.com i've read it and i got to tell you life enhancing one of those books that you'll end up keeping on your nightstand and want to refer to over and over we