Video Games - what for??

0:00 very few video games they start late so I would say at about maybe 9 or 10 years old and they play very little uh I would say about maybe one to two hours a week and I get asked about this a lot and I recently shared a clip about video games and uh why I think that they disrupt real life play and I got a really interesting comment on YouTube and I just wanted to use it as an opportunity to go live and

0:31 have this conversation because I think that there are a lot of really legitimate opinions when it comes to video games and uh screen time in general and I think it's a really important conversation to have and I also think it's really okay for us to disagree as parents just like I think that about everything else like you know your child best you know your situation best you know your resources best uh you have access to the same information that

0:53 everybody else does with the internet right and so first and foremost I just want to say trust your own stins and your own guidelines and if you disagree with what I'm doing with my kids then don't do it with yours that's absolutely fine but I also think we should have a high IQ High intelligent uh intelligence you know a real indepth critical thinking conversation about this that evolves and changes with time sometimes I get a little bit of shade thrown at me

1:19 for the ways that I change over the years but whilst that might feel inconsistent or unpredictable uh I also think there's a really big strength to being open-minded to being being consistently critical uh analytical um aware and flexible enough to change and grow with the years and change our opinions and evolve right uh we've got to be flexible and we've got to be uh I guess really responsive to our specific children and our specific

1:50 situations okay so here's the comment that I received and let me know uh if this is you in fact if you're here live just let me know in the comments right now do your kids do any video games do they have a smartphone do they play um on it on an iPad on a computer uh do they watch TV do they watch Netflix like what where are you at right now in terms of your screen time and squeeze

2:13 screenwise Journey okay so uh by the way the comment was really respectful which I really uh appreciate because I really appreciate complex debate and you an debate and here's what you said um just want to hop in and give some push back cool I really welcome that this isn't an either or situation a child can have access to Lego and Minecraft acting as though any amount of video games or Tech will somehow poison the child just leads

2:40 to people who can't properly understand how to use Tech properly and isolation from peers so let's contend with these assertions one piece at a time just using logic rationale and evidence okay the first assertion that he makes is that if you don't allow your child to use Minecraft or other video games they won't know how to use Tech properly and this happens to be an argument that I'm unconvinced by I don't

3:11 think it's true that you have to learn these skills in early childhood I didn't and I've built my entire career on Tech uh I know basically everyone in my generation uh leared very quickly how to use computers and video games and even how to be become Tech engineers and that kind of thing um so I don't think at all that young children say under the age of 10 even need to be exposed to Tech in order to develop 21st century skills do

3:42 you agree with that do you think that they can develop 21st century skills even after the age of 10 and still be just as fluent as their peers when it comes to being techsavvy and being able to perhaps and potentially build a career in Tech I would love to know what you think about that uh the second reason I'm unconvinced by this comment is that Tech changes so rapidly and with AI now you know threatening to displace almost all um

4:13 all of the careers that we have had over the last decade in the field of tech I don't actually think we as parents know which skills our children need in in the world of tech and I certainly don't think they're going to be developing them playing Minecraft or Roblox right or brawl Stars I don't think these are the skills that are necessarily going to help them I mean you might learn some generalized skills like you know uh

4:37 being responsive very quickly delayed gratification uh you know working towards a goal teamwork you could learn all sorts of things in Tech potentially like in a video game but I don't think that it's a compelling argument to say children should play video games because they need to learn Tech properly certainly not at these ages um I also think it's a little bit like they need to run before they can walk like there are so many basics of Education that our

5:04 children need to learn in the early years you know proper reading and writing which has got completely lost in our education system uh proper in-depth mathematical you know understanding um proper social skills uh proper vocabulary all sorts of things that are actually often harmed by Tech use and so I think it's putting the horse before the cart and first they actually have to learn all of those more classical more traditional more social uh more physical

5:34 um development like fine and gross motor skills and that kind of thing and only second do they need to develop Tech skills Tech skills change so rapidly and they are so easy to pick up that they can certainly be picking that up after the age of 10 so that's the first logical argument that he makes here that I'd like to contend with the second is isolation from peers now this is a slightly more I think uh poignant

6:00 argument if everybody in my class is playing Minecraft if everybody in my class is on a WhatsApp group if everybody I know is playing video games and I don't get to I'm not allowed to or I don't have a device I can certainly see how that might lead to isolation from peers but uh this kind of goes back to the I guess the old-fashioned phrase if all your friends jump off a bridge are you going to jump off a bridge too

6:26 right and this idea that we somehow need to offer our children something just because peers are doing it I think it's very compelling uh to consider that very soon or even now with Jonathan Height's work and research uh using a smartphone for example is going to be seen a little bit like tobacco usage was seen you know 50 years ago um in other words we're going to one day turn around and be shocked that we put these devices in the

6:56 hands of small children right we're going to be like what were we think you know they had the research you know they knew it was giving them lung cancer and they still smoked the cigarettes and they still smoked the cigarettes in the doctor's offices and in the kindergartens and everywhere what were they thinking and I think that's going to be easily the way we look back at this time and so if my kids are isolated from their peers because they're the

7:19 only ones who aren't on a smartphone then in some ways I think well so be it right so be it they're going to have to pay the price of social isolation but I have to say I also don't don't find this all that compelling because the truth is that social behavior is contagious if I decide that my kids are not going to be on a smartphone when we get together with friends I'm more likely to influence my friends to make that same

7:42 decision I can kind of Lobby and work in my schools uh to help other parents make that same decision we can bring research we can talk about it we can make uh screen-free times you know I happen to live in a community where everybody is tech-free on the weekends right they observe Sabbath there's no Tech and so a lot of this is about what you create and the social cohesion around it is something that you can actually

8:04 influence you could be a leader in you could decide to have screen-free afternoons or uh smartphone free schools in one of my kids schools all the parents got together and signed a petition that no one would be giving their kid a smartphone before the age of uh before they finish sixth grade and it's fantastic because there's the opposite peer pressure right we don't have the peer pressure to get the smart phones we have a peer pressure that we

8:27 can't and it gives us parents this great excuse for those of us who have trouble setting boundaries with our kids our kids like I really want a smartphone why can't I have a smartphone and we say sorry we've signed a petition with part of a group of parents no one in the school is getting a smartphone before the age of sixth grade and so the the social isolation is something that's within our control like we choose

8:48 our social Frameworks we choose who to hang out with we choose what are the fads what are accepted who are the other parents that we're you know connecting with and combining forces with the schools uh with the library with the churches with the social uh fabric to set a new social Norm just like it used to be socially normal and normalized and accepted to smoke everywhere and now it isn't uh it has been socially accepted to stick a smartphone in a small child's

9:16 hands and we can decide that it no longer will be we can decide that we are not going to allow that because we've read the research and we understand the ramifications right so that's another argument that I I I don't compelling here's the next point he writes Minecraft is a really good example of a video game that is great at delayed gratification Lego and Minecraft are nearly one and the same especially with our ability to build you can't place

9:41 blocks randomly they need to be attached to each other not just like Lego not to mention needing to keep your hunger bar full or dangerous mobs which teaches them situational awareness okay I couldn't disagree more I have played Minecraft I have played Lego for hours each I don't think that they are similar yes there are rules in Minecraft of how you can build by the way in creative mode you can certainly build just in the middle of the air you can build things

10:08 that don't follow Newtonian physical laws right um so that's not entirely just like Lego um and I think that the situational awareness that you receive from you know avoiding zombies or dangerous mobs or whatever is not a useful skill in real life it's not the same as situational awareness in the playground or on the street or of a car and the fact that when you die in a video game you then just come back to life I think actually is even a

10:38 counterproductive message right it teaches you that things are virtual that things don't have real lasting long term ramifications the worst that can happen to you in Minecraft is that you just you know play again H you don't you don't get injured in the same way in other words I it's fine you can learn things from a video game I'm not trying to discredit that I'm just saying those aren't transferable skills to real life skills that doesn't teach you to cross a

11:03 road properly that doesn't teach you s situational awareness that is 3D that is multisensory right that involves smells and noises and uh and real world Dimensions right so this fantasy that we parents have that somehow video games are going to be transferable skills to real life I think needs to be put in its correct box it's true people like Elon Musk talk about playing video games for hours a day and it somehow develops so much of their reaction their creativity

11:34 he uses it as a kind of test for his brain for how sharp it is right and no one's denying his his great success in in his various Endeavors um and I'm sure that there is plenty that you can and do learn from video games in fact that's pretty well researched the problem is that this ignores the very clear and obvious and well researched downsides as well just because you can learn something from a specific situation

11:59 doesn't necessarily mean that the pros outweigh the cons right children who watch fast-paced media right for prolonged periods of time they show increase of attention problems uh there is a real displacement of real world play when you play online right too much screen time easily crowds out crucial developmental activities like imaginative play without a screen social interaction face to face Hands-On Exploration with sensory input uh you

12:30 know these things Foster creativity problem solving motor skills and screens that become the default entertainment really lead to the fact that kids are missing out on experiences that help them really learn to self-regulate to develop spatial reasoning to build resilience through trial and error in the physical world and so again I I I I wish it was true I wish it was true that you can just learn all these things from Minecraft and that's awesome but not if

12:57 Minecraft is taking taking away from real life experiences you know if you're telling me Oh my kid does Minecraft for one or two hours a week fine you know that's that's not taking away from big chunks of time that they're doing other things but if they're doing it for one or two hours a day that becomes a real problem right that becomes um it displacing real world interactions physical experiences fine and grow motor skill development and maybe potentially

13:22 worst of all is social skill development right we know from research that the generation that has grown up on screens can't read facial expressions as well as the rest of us as as the older you know as Millennials um they can't actually uh read social cues they have a lot of trouble expressing themselves with words to other people face to face and prefer to use emojis and text messages um because they struggle with uh with actual um expression and vocabulary and

13:54 being accurate and articulate and these are the types of things I'm sure that you want for your child and know I want for mine and therefore avoiding you know video games in the early years allows them and and in some senses forces them to develop these other imaginative skills all right let's relate to the second Point uh that this very kind commenter has uh made here kids aren't being given other choices he says children adapt to their surroundings for

14:21 better or worse and if a child isn't given other fun activities like Lego or going for walks or drawing of course they will go back to their Tech the tech isn't the issue here it's a symptom the issue is neglect for children's needs of a variety and quality time there is nothing wrong with a child drawing on a tablet versus paper the issue is when they aren't given the choice and the opportunity to okay so in a sense I

14:45 agree if children aren't given other opportunities then of course they're going to go back to their Tech but I think the reverse is also true if children are given the opportunity for Tech many of them are going to avoid other opportunities in other words if I have the the option of playing Minecraft and I have the option of playing Lego for many children it's going to be very likely that the Minecraft will be uh you know really kind of something that they

15:10 a seduction and a Temptation that they can't and won't and have no reason to say no to and so I know because I have five children that children come with different temperaments um and different temperaments are going to respond differently to the availability of things like video games but if a video game is available many children are not going to opt for real life experiences if they can draw on a tablet many children are not going to draw on paper

15:36 and this commenter says there's nothing wrong with a child drawing on a tablet versus paper and I disagree there is something wrong with that if that's their exclusive experience there is something wrong with flattening the world the 3D sensory complex nuanced world into a purely virtual and screen-based World there is something wrong with a child growing up you know in in one of my children's schools they don't even allow markers okay they don't even use markers because markers are too

16:04 instant right and the gratification of markers is too instant they actually use watercolors so that children get a lot of a a more sensory deeper slower uh process of understanding colors and the use of colors right now that might be a bit extreme I think it is we have markers at home I don't mind markers at all um and I don't mind drawing on a tablet but it can't be the exclusive artistic expression or experience of a

16:27 child if that is the thing that they are offered uh instead of real life experiences then I do think that they're missing out on something very important now here's the most important piece that I want to say here is if a child doesn't have video games say until the tween years what are they missing out on then I've already established that I don't think they're missing out on Tech skills I'm in the 21st century I'm I

16:55 realize what's coming up with AI I understand the tech uh is absolutely part of our life I'm not technophobic but I just don't understand why small children have to have those skills that's something that they can easily develop later on uh it's really I mean I just know so many kids and I know so many teens who have developed those skills in their teen years they have not developed them in early childhood and I've seen no downside to it they're

17:19 completely on par um with their peers when it comes to Tech skills but they have the added benefit of having developed all the social skills right all the physical skills uh all the ability to have face Toof face interaction and read emotions and use their bodies and find motor skills and all of that stuff so what are we missing out on here why would we not delay um I I see Zero benefit I see Zero upside and

17:46 I see only downside I see only downside to early video games now I started this and you may or may not have heard me at the beginning say my kids are allow of video games once in a while right but it's going to be in the vicinity of say between one and three maybe four hours per week right and not more than that and it's going to be past the age of about nine or 10 earlier than that maybe

18:09 they watch a show once a week maybe they you know engage a little bit here and there I don't know someone's playing a game and lets them play and they play that's fine we're not going to be like you know forbidden fruit about it but it's just not something they need it's just not part of their day-to-day thing why because they're playing because in their free time when they're not reading when they're not helping out with chores

18:29 when they're not cooking with me when they're not walking our dog when they're not out with friends they're playing they are playing imaginative physical games right they're playing it could be with Lego but it could be dress up and it could be drawing and it could be creating things and if they had just you know full access to Media there is zero chance in the world that my children at least this particular portion of five children would uh opt instead to spend

18:58 hours as imaginatively as they do right creating things physically coming up with their own games using their bodies being in the the space including other children um really a lot of creativity and so that is something that I just I just can't understand why we would want to overshadow that why we would want to take that away from them to Rob them of that opportunity when it's literally the way that children learn the most right

19:28 it's literally Mother Nature's gift to our children is free play is independent play is the urge and the impulse and the pleasure that all mammal Cubs including human children get from playing right and that is how she kind of sneaks in Mother Nature that is sneaks in all of the lessons they need to learn their fine and gross motor development uh their spatial awareness their vestibular system their balance system all of the physical things that they need but then

19:55 also all the academic things they need right number sense letter sense uh story narrative and then all the social skills that they need right being able to take turns being able to share being able to negotiate rules uh give and take uh reading other people's emotions all of that stuff so my friends am I getting this completely wrong I would love to hear what you think let me know do you feel that there are significant and important

20:21 Pros I'll tell you the one pro that I can see for video games and screen time there is one pro that I think is hard to argue with okay it's hard to argue with which is that the digital babysitter right it's a digital babysitter it's true you stick your child in front of the screen they most likely not going to move right most likely if you're concerned when they're playing freely right when they're playing independently and you stick a screen in front of them

20:45 then you're not concerned you can have your shower you can go cook whatever you get them out of your hair that is true right that is the one thing that it could be reserved for is when you're in survival mode is when you're having a really really hard day is when you're really busy with something else when they just won't play for for whatever reason right but I would say okay but first establish independent play as the

21:05 default activity right by the way if you haven't got my book yet get my book reclaim play the one on the shelf behind me it's in Amazon it's on Audible um and I'll just plug it quick here because that's how you get your kids to play independently and that's how you get all the juicy benefits of that and you don't need to take the risks that are involved in screen time uh in excess screen time right ex screen

21:30 time really can lead to attention difficulties it really does displace Hands-On imag imaginative play that is really vital for developmental growth so I think moderation is important I don't think that we have to you know have practice complete abstinence but if you have moderation you will allow your child to benefit from technology whatever benefits they might have without losing interest in offline experiences which is critical for them right all right let me know if this spoke to

22:02 you make sure to subscribe to leave me your comment to hit the like button to let me know you want more of these and I will be very happy to go live to answer your questions and comments if you leave them under my videos on YouTube or in Instagram um feel free to send those in and I will do my very best to be going live and sharing my takeaways I know screen time is a huge paino for so many

22:23 of us parents myself included when do they use a smartphone how much should they use what kind kind of Parental guidelines should we have on it how do we make sure that they are part of their peers and friend Circle are not feeling left out you know what should we allow them to watch what shouldn't we etc etc um I think it's a really really a key a key conversation for us to just apply logic to I know it gets really emotional

22:47 really quickly but I just want to help you clean all of that up and apply logic uh Tara says hello thanks every tell I have this book and have been using these techniques since five years and they work like my kids can play for four or five hours independently that is amazing Tara I'm so happy to hear it and you know so can mine and so can thousands of my students around the world and I just

23:07 whenever I see people being like Oh but screen time screen time screen time I just my heart goes out to them it's like I just want you to discover the joy and the benefits of independent play uh Venita says so true huge pain point for us I know it's a huge paino I'm here to help um yes I'm always going to bang the independent play drum first because how can I put this you know I've written a whole book about it there's so

23:32 much to say but I'll just try and put it succinctly there are no downsides to Independent play and there are so many upsides so it's this guilt-free option that allows you to do your housework to do your work to do your selfcare whilst knowing that your child is busy with the thing that is best for children to be busy with right they're going to be developing academic skills these are all this is all research proof by the way

23:58 here let me just show you the bottom of this book all right I just want to show you so that you understand okay at the End of This Book I have Pages upon pages of citations okay citations these are all citations why because it's all completely evidence-based it's all completely based in science okay it's all evidence based you see how many citations there are each chapter and the

24:30 I say that because it's not just fluff it's not just oh independent players nice and and video games are bad it's that we have years of research uh about this and years of indepth understanding like decades this goes way be way before screen time right we've been researching independent play and the Decades of research just show all the key benefits right and I know that so many of us parents struggle today with things like behavioral problems right children who

25:01 have a lot of Tantrums children who won't listen children who fight the whole time with their siblings children who are rude and talk back and aren't happy to be helpful right like character development which is something that no one talks about anymore it's very out of fashion to talk about developing your character developing your morals develop but it's so important character development if you struggle with your child's character okay that's hard to say out loud I know

25:28 it's unpleasant but hey all of us do we all want to develop we all want to grow children to be kind patient respectful capable right to have a strong mindset to overcome challenges right that's what's that's something we all want okay so if you struggle with that if you struggle with academic success or with attention right attention deficit disorder is a huge huge huge issue in our society today in fact I think it's somewhere in the

25:54 vicinity of 40% of children who are being diagnosed with ADHD or something similar to it right if you struggle with that if you struggle uh with a child who has very addictive or uh kind of impulse control uh issues right they always want something they very very intense uh emotionally or with their behavior or maybe a child who is just very shy very quiet very timid um a child who doesn't make friends easily a child who could be

26:21 very bossy to their siblings uh a child who struggles with self-confidence all of these just just basically thing and then of course all the physical stuff okay a child who has trouble using their fine motor skills putting pieces together cutting holding a pencil pin grip all of that stuff gross motor skills balancing um you know swinging rolling over all everything everything you want for your child to develop okay to be a happy healthy well-rounded

26:52 person is available for them to practice through play okay through play this isn't one big advert for my book but let's just say it is also because I really want you to get the information in here whether it's through my book or through the course I have a course reclaim play.com you can take the course or through the Audi book or through all my many many free videos on YouTube I just want to make sure you get the

27:16 information all of those things can be addressed for free for fun right in a completely natural and easy way through play through independent play not on a screen through independent play okay not with you not with an occupational therapist not with a physiotherapist not with a speech therapist not with a psychological therapist so you know what just this week a mother called me and said I'm so worried my one and a half-year-old is hitting and this mom in

27:45 the park told me he needs occupational therapy and this other mom in the park told me it's because I must have hit him he must have seen it somewhere he must learn it somewhere I was just like oh my goodness oh my goodness I felt so bad for this poor mom maybe I should save this for another live because it's a really important story and I'm at the end of this live now but I felt so bad

28:05 for this mom that her child was immediately being um being diagnosed being pathologized for something that is very developmentally normal for a one and a half year old okay a one sorry the title of the book is reclaim play yeah reclaim play reclaim play and it's available on Amazon and it's available on audible also you can go to reclaim play.com and then you can get the course where I show you the playrooms I show

28:35 you the Play Zone I I talk you through everything it's a very comprehensive course and you'll really go I mean I just know I say this with absolute confidence because I've had thousands of students go through the course now you will go from a child who does not play clingy bored screen addicted to a child who can play for like upwards of three hours a day or as uh as someone in the comments was just saying four or five

28:58 hours a day it's I can't guarantee it but it's almost guaranteed right like it's it's in the vast majority of cases that's what's going to happen if you follow these steps and I'm just trying to explain why that's so good anyway back to this Mom with her one and a half year-old he hits or whatever and everyone in society was so quick to pathologize this child right oh he must have some kind of diagnosis he must have

29:21 some kind of neurodivergence he must have gone through some kind of trauma it's your fault you did it to him like oh my goodness have you never met met a one and a half-year-old before do you not know that they sometimes hit and then you set a boundary and then you move on and you don't make them into some kind of you know big struggle that they don't have and she was GNA go and spend her

29:41 hard-earned money on various therapies uh which whatever I have a whole lot to say about that but let's leave that for another time or you can go and watch my latest video on YouTube all about how are we just traumatizing our kids because I mentioned the idea of bad therapy of therapy that is uh iatrogenic as Abigail shrier calls it right therapy that actually harms and when you just pathologize your kid all the time and you just show them like there's

30:07 something wrong with them all the time then that's therapy that actually harms them taking a one and a half year old to physiotherapy or to occupational therapy because they hit a friend that's pathologizing completely normal behavior instead of just doing the thing that people have done throughout generations and Millennia which is parenting them right just parenting them setting the boundary teaching them and helping them move forward through that phase that is normal that all children go through

30:32 right so anyway all of this is to say that when you reclaim play when your child plays independently then so many of these other ailments they just clear up naturally not everything some things are going to need therapies some things are going to need a diagnosis absolutely okay but many of the things that we pathologize today in modern society that we treat as though there's some issue they're not an issue it's just that children need to play for hours a day

31:01 children need that that's how they develop everything and so when you first do that you first get your child playing independently for hours a day if you see a child who can play deeply imaginatively socially for hours a day then you allow them okay some screen time on the weekend right or anything else that they might need that you might layer on okay I still need a bit of physio I still need a bit of occupational therapy or we still need a

31:29 diagnosis fine but at least you have the basis down it's a little bit like uh if someone has say a skin issue right and you go straight into the say steroids or laser treatments or whatever without first addressing hey are you drinking enough how's your diet have you slept right just the basics and the basics of parenting the basics of raising a child is independent play that is the basic thing that a child who plays is a child who is healthy is a

32:01 child who is mentally healthy is a child who is loved and supported because children who are terribly traumatized who don't have a secure attachment they can't play that's one of the key indicators that's one of the things that we see most with children who have been seriously harmed is that they can't just go and play they don't have the relaxation for it they don't have the confidence for it they don't feel secure that there's an adult they're protecting

32:22 them right so the ability to play creatively is an indicator and uh an initiator of mental health right it's like a virtuous cycle it both indicates the health and it promotes the health and continues their health right just like a child who can drink water it's an indicator that the system is working but it's also good for them to drink the water okay so it it perpetuates something positive and that's what we want so uh we started off talking about

32:52 video games and we ended up with a pitch for independent play because I think that's the answer the the reason that I don't have a big difficulty with my children playing in video games is because they can just play actual games uh Venita says thank you aval can I request you to share more on parenting Twins and teens on your channels including the studio yes been following you since my kids were sixish and now they're 12ish and it's a different

33:15 landscape completely agree and yes I have a twin I have a teen and I'm very happy to answer questions about twins and teens um will you please post your specific questions inside the studio for those of you who don't know the studio is my membership you're welcome to check it out at ham.com Studio post your specific questions about twin and teens there for me or in the comments on YouTube or on Instagram we will collect those and I will address them now I

33:42 would like to make a request of you all I want to answer your burning questions I want to be of service to you I'm here because I'm here to help you build a strong family culture I'm here to help you to love parenting and to parent from love I'm here to help you feel really confident in your leadership skills I'm here to help you get really clear on your values and create a lifestyle that works for you that runs smoothly that is

34:06 a pleasure to behold so that you can say like I'm so grateful to be able to say that you just really enjoy parenting yeah there is times that you struggle there are times that are hard but overall you're so thrilled that you're on this path you feel cut out for the journey you feel like you can handle what's on your plate you feel like you have the skills you have the tools you have the scripts you have the mindset

34:26 you know what you're doing you feel strong you feel feel capable and your home is your most favorite place on Earth right like you come home and this place is just a place of positive habits of healthy communication of deep bonding and togetherness a real sense of family and you just feel like you are capitalizing on what on this path that you've chosen of parenting if that's not exactly how you feel if there are some kind of impediments to that sense of

34:51 growth if you feel like you struggle with maybe cultural ideas with specific interactions with your mother and all with your sister and all with your children with your husband with whoever that's what I'm here for I'm I literally dedicate my life to help parents all over the world to feel a sense of joy of accomplishment of confidence and I do that because I I have a deep-seated belief that family is the most meaningful project of Our Lives

35:19 that it's very difficult to find another project that's going to be as important as meaningful and as impactful on the future I mean you and I we're raising the Next Generation with literally shaping the future of the world and so how do we do that with a sense of confidence and with a sense that we're doing great that we're acing this that we're not perfect not no one's perfect but that we're okay you're okay I'm okay

35:41 our kids are okay and in a world that is addicted to anxiety okay how do we wean oursel off of anxiety how do we wean ourselves off of guilt and get on uh to a very different drug right to a drug of a positive drug of a sense of feeling uh a little bit High a little bit high on in-depth relationships on a meaningful lifestyle like I have to share with you that honestly most days I'm really

36:08 excited to get out of bed in the morning I'm really excited to see my kids to start the day to go through the day I feel that it's an immense privilege and pleasure even with all the grief and loss and diff difficulties and frustrations that I experience in my life and I do uh even living through a wall even many other things besides uh physical struggles uh health issues Financial downturn all of those things are real for all of us

36:33 but even with all of that how do we get up with a feeling of uh inspiration and excite excitement that we can we can do this okay uh hi slabby I hope I'm saying that right says I live in the UK where lately there have been an increasing numbers of young people stabbing and killing people do you think this could be related to a video games addiction so I don't want to express just an offhand opinion on whether it's

37:01 related to video games addiction because I'm sure that we can kind of research that and come to empirical evidence on what it's related to um and I know that these issues are always more complex than they seem at first blush right uh there have been many waves of violence throughout the generations that have not necessarily been linked or have definitely not been linked to video games so I don't want to blame blame it on that but I do want to say that the

37:29 youth are not okay and this is empirically proven right this generation that we are raising and the generation that's just Rising now is the least happy generation despite having the most peace and prosperity of any generation prior they objectively have the most privilege you might call it right the most safety despite what the world looks like today despite the wars that we're living through Etc they have the most safety they have the most prosperity they have the lowest rates of

37:59 poverty um Etc and yet they are uh the most uh fragile emotionally and mentally so they're the most likely to suffer from self harm um and from anxiety and depression and from violence like you're saying now you know that is a spin-off and that is part of that right the school shootings in the states could be uh linked to that decline in mental health and that can be linked to many very clear things such as by the way the

38:30 dismantling of family okay sa says also makes me anxious how to let kids go when how when they grow up because of the increasing violence between young people how do I deal with this anxiety okay so do me a favor just write that question for me in one of my videos or posts so that I have it and I will go live again and I will address that um actually overcoming parental anxiety is one of my

38:56 pet passions it's one of the things things that I most want to help you with I personally have overcome clinical severe and crippling PTSD after living through extensive Terror uh my children have are and have been living through a w we've lost family members they've lost their teachers they've lost friends um it's it's been devastating and cruel um and and so I'm not saying this from a place of like just oh you know hunky dory everything's

39:27 fine rainbows and and sprinkles no I'm saying it from a place of deep pain and grief and loss that I absolutely think and believe and know for a fact from my own experience in my work with thousands of parents from all over the world that overcoming parental anxiety guilt and shame is not only possible but it's really desirable it's really something you want you want to raise your children with a sense of confidence that your you

39:54 have conviction in your values you have Clarity on your path um you don't feel crippled by doubt and hesitations and am I doing this wrong and what will be and what's the world going to be like and oh no and violence and depression and again no you feel like I've got this I know how to raise kids who are going to be great in this world they're going to do great with AI and with you know all of

40:14 the political unrest and with the polarization and they're going to be good and that feeling of confidence is what you owe to yourself and to your child right to not grow grow up and not to raise them in this sense of feeling crippled all right so back to what I was saying when you said is it because of the video games it's not because of the video games necessarily might be but I think it's more to do with the fact that

40:35 our families have been really devalued really disintegrated right our communities have lost their power people are lonely people are so lonely and we have put such an emphasis on individualism that we are raising children who think that the only thing to think about in this world is what benefits me right how can I get mine how can I succeed how can I be liked how can I be uh you know AED on social media and

41:06 the indivi the the the the the Rabid individualism has excluded and dismantled our sense of community of purpose of mission of giving of belonging right and when people are lonely when they don't belong when they don't have deep friendships when they don't have deep connections when they don't feel that they are C to a higher purpose to serve a community to be part of something larger than themselves then they do often disintegrate into self harm or violence

41:38 of others right because they're not raised with a clear and compelling sense of values and of Direction and of purpose who am I what am I part of what's my identity and this will open a whole other C can of worms but just to jolt your brains a little bit and again I would love to get those questions from you the gentle parenting movement has unfortunately exacerbated this problem right now I love gentle parenting and a

42:04 lot of the tools that it teaches but as a movement it's become so hyperfocused on the individualism of children how does your child feel right it's all about what they feel what they want what their preferences are and it doesn't demand anything of children it doesn't place any expectations of children of what do they owe others right what how can they respect others how can they offer help to others um how can they delay uh and even uh maybe even control

42:37 their own emotions and their own uh you know desires and and and impulses uh for others and that unfortunate focus on individualism and on personal growth and personal happiness and personal satisfaction um has very unfortunate Downstream effects for our children right because Downstream uh that leads them to a place of extreme loneliness and extreme

43:10 isolation and extreme confusion and a lack of moral Clarity and moral conviction um and real real fragility right fragility in the face of life's inevitable challenges so those are the types of things that we want to avoid right we want to raise children who are resilient children who feel that they are belonging to a very concrete tangible real Community not an online community

43:41 okay a real in-person Community uh children who uh feel that there are expectations of them of how to behave of what to focus on on what they can give um that there are Rights and Wrongs in the world right they need to know that some things are wrong and some things are right and it's not just about what feels good and it's not just about your rights right that's a huge focus of parenting today is the children's rights

44:09 right okay that's important um but what's also important is their obligations is their duties uh is what they owe everyone around them not just what everybody around them owes them um so these are the types of things that we focus on inside of the studio where we build a strong family culture and I think a child who grows up in a strong family culture is going to be really immunized right it really is going to inoculate them from things like anxiety

44:37 and depression and violence and all of those kind of things um and it's also going to set them on the path uh so that you don't have to worry about them being derailed right if you look at every single one of those kids Who's involved in stabbings in the street I can promise you I can promise you blindly I can sign any document that they don't have a strong family culture at home right I know they don't I know they don't have a

45:05 father who's there teaching them right from wrong and making sure they have logical consequences to their action I know they don't have a mother who's there able to offer them you know a deep interest and connection and bonding and expectations and predictability and routine uh I know that they have not been their socialized to take care of their siblings to take care of their surroundings to show respect to their Elders to be part of their Community to

45:31 work hard uh you know all of these different things that they didn't get from home right for very tragic reasons that aren't you know are no fault of their own um but but if you show me a child who's embed in uh you know juvenile misconduct I'll show you a home that did not have a strong family culture I mean and that's going to be 99.9% of the time and so that's that I think is where our focus

46:00 goes right is in the early years you want to really give them a lot of independent play a lot of Independence a lot of sense of Competency a lot of imagination and all the developmental Milestones that they need physically emotionally academically you don't want to pathologize them you don't want to turn them into a problem child you don't want to teach them they are victims even if they are victims okay do not teach them victim mindset that is one of the

46:24 biggest ailments of our generation of our time us Millennials have been brought up on it but even worse we're bringing our children up on this idea that they're victims and it's terrible for them um but then but then beyond all of that you want to create a strong family culture a family culture that has rituals that has Traditions that has routines that has expectations that has teamwork right where they're part of something where they belong to something

46:50 a family culture that has friendships and kinship and community and control over their influences right I always say if you don't raise your child if you don't influence them then Kim Kardashian will happily do it for you and you might not like the results of that right so you've got to build that strong family culture and unfortunately it comes down to us we're the leaders we're the captains we're the ones who make the decisions who make the calls when people

47:12 tell me oh no my kid is on video games on video games I'm like well who bought the device who bought the device the kid didn't buy the device right your eight-year-old isn't buying an iPad so we we have to kind of take back those Reigns of being the parent of setting the tone of making the decisions in the household and of offering our children uh that Clarity love love love says I agreed uh needed this reminder thank you

47:43 so much all right let me know what your key takeaway was right now in the comments I'd love to know and make sure to leave me your deep burning questions uh about family culture about independent play about uh raising kids with Clarity around our vision and our values about being a leader in your own home setting boundaries about managing your relationships with your extended family or with your partner with your husband um all of these things are

48:10 things that I cover inside of the studio but I'm bringing it all out here and I'll try and go live regularly so I can give you those answers here on the socials sending so much love may we hear much good news and keep on living that high fam life bye [Music]