Help! How do I keep a conversation going with my child? | Ep. 59

0:01 Hi, friends. Welcome to the Connected Families podcast. I'm so glad you joined us. I'm Stacy Bellward, your host in today's episode. I'm going to chat with Chad Hange about how to keep conversations alive with our children. Chad has been with Connected families for over 15 years. He's a marriage and family therapist and does a lot with one to one parent coaching. He also leads the Connected Families coaching certification program. Among other things. Chad and I work together to write and produce an online course called the Power of Questions.

0:36 Less arguing, more wisdom. That course is available on our website, connectedfamilies.org you'll hear more about that during our break. But right now I'd like to invite Chad to the microphone. So. Hi, Chad.

0:49 Hey, Stacy. Good to be with you again.

0:51 Yeah, good to be with you too. We love this topic, don't we?

0:54 Yeah. This has kind of inspired us to jump into the online course arena.

1:00 That's right. But we're pretty proud of that online course, aren't we?

1:04 Absolutely. Absolutely. Really good.

1:06 And we get the question a lot from parents about how to keep conversations going. I know I was doing a workshop just a few weeks ago and I had a mom ask me about that. And so it's something that we think about and talk about a lot. And we've had our own journey.

1:24 Yes.

1:24 Learning how to ask questions. Learning rather than tell, which is kind of the opposite. Right. You're either oh my goodness, you're asking or you're telling.

1:32 Yes.

1:32 So tell me about your journey as a marriage and family therapist and as a young parent and even personality wise, how did you come to be more comfortable with asking questions?

1:43 It started, I think fairly early on in just ministry working with teenagers, recognizing that I could bark out all the orders that I wanted and they likely were going to be met with some resistance depending on what those orders were thinking about, like doing a retreat with a bunch of teens or, you know, whatever that might look like. And so I think early on started to recognize that's not going to get me places in relationship that I would really like to get to.

2:12 And then, I think, you know, going through training as a marriage and family therapist was helpful, but doing my coaching certification was by far the most helpful in thinking through and having a perspective of I don't have to have all the answers here. I think that the person that I'm talking to has some pretty good answers themselves and that was really helpful. And then receiving some training and solution focused brief therapy, which is really views asking questions as the sharpest tool that you have from a therapeutic perspective.

2:44 All were intermingled and helped shape me in terms of just being more comfortable asking questions rather than leading with telling. So how about you? What would you say for yourself on that?

2:55 Somewhat of a similar journey. It was when I was actually Bible study and teaching, doing a lot of lay ministry at my church, and meeting with people and a young mom. And I started to realize that the pressure of having to have the information, giving the wise counsel, knowing what was the answer for people, that was a heavy weight to bear. And so then the Lord led me to coaching. And you're right, for me, it was like just a, you know, brain explosion moment when I realized I don't need to have the answers for anyone.

3:30 Actually, I can help facilitate them, you know, even find the inner wisdom that God's given them. It doesn't have to be some big spiritual thing, but he's, you know, he's given everyone a lot of good wisdom, but also that we can also guide people to hear from the Holy Spirit and that having just these open conversations can help them tap into maybe even where the Lord's been guiding them already. So that's actually the coaching side. But in the midst of that, I was a mom.

3:58 My kids were kind of elementary age when I started getting trained. So I practiced I all my coaching skills on them.

4:07 And how receptive was that?

4:10 Well, so I have two girls, as many people know, and it was interesting because one of them lapped it up, like loved it. And interestingly, she's the one that I would struggle to have conversations with in the past, but I had asked her questions and it would just open her up and she would love to answer them and have that conversation. My other daughter, though, she wasn't super crazy you about all the questions I would ask her.

4:39 Sometimes she just wanted. She was like, mom, can you please just give me an answer?

4:43 Right, yeah, just. Just tell me what to do. Stop asking all these questions.

4:47 Yeah, but it was a journey with my kids. It became my filter for how I parented them because I didn't want to be the teller. I knew that telling was shutting down them. Being able to blossom as girls, as individuals, coming into all that God had for them, and it was shutting down our relationship, our conversations, and. And so I didn't want that pattern to continue.

5:11 I think now, looking through the question lens, one of the things that I'm most grateful for is asking good questions helps develop kind of a capacity for the child to have to think for themselves a little bit. And even if they don't answer it right away, I would at first take that as like, oh, they're annoyed with me, or they don't like that, or. And they could be annoyed and not like it. That could be, you know, part of what was going on.

5:37 But I think more it was seed planting and being able to just go, well, have you thought about this? And not demanding a response right away was a big learning opportunity for me to say, oh, I can just let that question sit there and not have to have an immediate, you know, pressure, you know, for the child to respond right away. So. But that capacity building was what really helped me continue to want to grow and asking questions to help them think for themselves.

6:05 Right. Because as parents, we want our children to grow up into wisdom and responsibility and capability. And, you know, we want them to be able to do all of the things from, you know, write papers when my girls are going to be going into college sooner, you know, all the things we're thinking forward all the time as parents. And if I'm just telling them what to do all the time, there's no growth. There is.

6:28 Yeah. It's what should I do next? And now what? And now what? And now what? Right to the asking me or you didn't tell me. I didn't know.

6:37 Yeah.

6:38 So I think working through that has been helpful and questions have been a great tool for that, A really great tool.

6:44 But kind of back to the question at hand, which is how to keep the conversation open, because I know that we're often asked, you know, what if my child just doesn't want to talk? And so let's just spend a moment on what are the difficulties? What are the reasons why it can be hard to have these conversations and even start with a question, have any kind of conversation at all with our kids, because there are many parents at that place.

7:08 And I think you started just even by contrasting your daughter's experience with you, asking them questions. Would you say that one just personality wise was more of a verbal processor? So the questions kind of unlocked that desire to process verbally. What were the differences? Because I think personality is one of the one reason why it might be hard to lead with questions with some kids and really easy to. To do with others. So what are your thoughts about that just in your own kids?

7:36 Yeah, Well, I mean, I think the daughter who really loved it when I asked her questions, she really hated to be told it was our relationship that was shutting down faster when I just told her, because she would perceive that as attacking or as maybe Me not trusting what she was thinking or what her plan was. And so when I would approach her, and I still do so much with questions, she got to answer in any way that she wanted.

8:06 And. And I then was ready to hear what her responses would be. And so I think that was one thing that helped her to really love, you know, me asking her questions. So Chad, how about you? How about the personalities of your girls?

8:21 I think similarly, one just super verbal processor loved being asked questions because it brought like an open door to say all the things. And she's like me, so I need to say my 500 words to figure out what I'm thinking. And so she would do that. So I just felt like, oh, wow, this is going great. And then maybe a little bit less. So with the next two daughters to the place where there was kind of like this, what are you doing to me here?

8:50 Are you trying to like manipulate or. So I think there was a little suspicion there, like are you trying to do that therapy thing stuff on me or what is this all about? And so, you know, at first I think it's easy to get defensive about that, but I think recognizing it's like, no, I really want to know you, and this is one of the ways that I can do that. But if there's a different way for me to know you, if there's a different way for me to understand you, then I want to know more about that.

9:18 And so kind of taking the pressure off of having to have the right answer. I think that's where I learned too, to be able to ask a question and not expect an answer right away. But I might say, hey, you know, I don't really need to talk about this right now, but I'm wondering if you would think about this and could I ask you about this in a couple of days or you know, tonight or whatever that might be.

9:39 So I think personality is a big reason in terms of why it can be hard to have conversations.

9:45 And I think that you just had a good point with your daughter when you said, hey, can I just throw this out there and we can talk about it tomorrow. Because sometimes kids just don't know what to say, right? They just don't know have an answer right now. And they also don't want to have a long conversation with you. Like, oh brother, like, right, mom wants to talk. I have no idea when I'm going to get out of this.

10:05 And I was not self aware to recognize that, but I know that that's a part of it now. Because if you Start talking to dad. It's never going to end. Right. So let's not have this conversation because I want out.

10:18 Right. So they want to shut it down really, really fast then because they don't know when, when they are going to end that conversation. Yeah. Yes. I think also sometimes kids just don't want to talk because the timing is off. I think about parents who, you know, their kid gets in the car after school and they're like, so tell me all about school and I want to hear about all the things. And that's the classic and did you turn in the test and how the tests go and you know, all the things and then how does the child respond?

10:47 It was good. Yeah. And we feel so dejected and you know, oh, my child doesn't want to talk to me. And the bottom line just really is that they used all their words. They're just tired, they've been in a noisy place all day and they just need a bit of down time.

11:07 Or it could be a combination of things here too where that's the reality or more maybe they didn't hand in their test or maybe they got a poor grade on their paper or whatever it was. And now shame is kind of infiltrated in and we don't want to talk about it. I don't want to talk about that because I feel like a failure or I let you down or you know, whatever it might be. So I think sometimes the reasons why it's hard to have a conversation, there's multiple facets and layers of that.

11:34 That's a really good one because that even happens at home when we want to have a conversation about a problem to solve or you know, maybe a behavior that we need to address. And then there's such shame there that the child doesn't want to have the conversation and makes it hard. We want to have a really safe heart and I want to talk about that safe heart and I want to talk about that safe, safe heart.

11:58 Because from that place we can ask curious and light hearted conversations. We're going to talk more about that after the break. Sound good, Chad?

12:06 Sounds good.

12:09 Hi friends. We have an online course that you could start today called the Power of Questions. Less arguing, more wisdom. We get lots of questions from parents every day. Here's one of them. My 4 year old son struggles to focus. I often find myself repeating requests like go get your jammies on multiple times before I believe that he's even heard my request. What can I do to help him hear me sooner and encourage his follow through?

12:39 Well, we have an answer for that. Parents, my co worker Chet Hengay and I are certified coaches. We learned really early that asking our kids to curious questions instead of telling all the time was a complete game changer. I mean telling over and over, go get your jammies on. It gets tiring, doesn't it? Well, the Power of questions online course will teach you how to make a big shift instead of a me versus you tone where the parent feels responsible to get the child to do what they're supposed to do and the child resists.

13:12 Chad and I learned that we can shift shift the tone of our house to a teamwork mentality where parents and children of all ages come together to solve problems. You know, problems like the wet towels are on the bathroom floor 90% of the time. Well, the power of questions, less arguing, more wisdom is a four session course. You can sign up yourself and take it today or grab a few friends and do it as a group.

13:39 Sandra said this after finishing the course. The Power of Questions online course gives a solid foundation for why and how to ask thoughtful, meaningful questions. I love how the course takes you through practical steps that helped our entire families start to build the life skill of asking quality questions that build understanding and grow wisdom. We even watched parts of it with our 8 and our 10 year old children to ignite problem solving.

14:10 Well, I love that testimony. And you can find the power of Questions online course@connectedfamilies.org or you can find a link in our show notes. Chad. I want to cover in this half of today's podcast what we call in the power of questions the online course, what we call the conversation model.

14:32 Yes.

14:33 Right. So the model is not rocket science, is it?

14:36 Not at all, no. Pretty basic.

14:38 Very basic. But given that us parents love telling so much, so we need to be reminded that the first step to a really good conversation with our kids is asking is asking. We want to be someone who asks curious questions and then after we ask, we need to have the ears to listen because we want to hear the answers that are kids are going to tell us. And from there, here's the thing, parents, you're going to have something to tell.

15:05 You are going to want to respond to what your kids are saying. But what Chad and I would like to suggest is that you don't tell yet you ask another question. Maybe it's a clarifying question. We say ask more, ask something about what they just said, listen some more. And then when the time is right and when you really feel like you, you are not judgy and you're really open hearted, then you say what you need to say.

15:33 Because we know that the Bible tells us in Deuteronomy, parents need to teach their kids.

15:38 Yeah.

15:39 And so there are things that we need to say. And so even in the course of this whole conversation, we are not saying, are we, Chad, that parents just ask questions and don't tell sometimes?

15:49 No, absolutely not. And I think the key words that we're focusing in on and even how we ask questions is from that place of a light hearted, curious posture. We've all been asked questions by people who aren't very curious about what the answer is or they already have the answer in their mind and they're just trying to get us to say them to validate kind of their perspective or whatever. And that's really hard to be engaged in that kind of a conversation.

16:14 But when you're lighthearted and curious, truly want to know the perspective of your child, they can tell just like we can tell as parents.

16:24 Oh, like for example, why are you so picky? Right. That's not a good question.

16:29 That's a question. It ends with a question mark.

16:32 Not so good. But how about, well, what is it about tomatoes that you don't like? That's from that safe hearted place, isn't it? I'm really curious to hear about why it is you don't like tomatoes.

16:44 Yeah, the way they feel in my mouth is slimy and gross. They don't like it.

16:48 Yeah.

16:48 And that's where the parent might be tempted to tell. Right now you're asking the next question rather than going into telling to kind of deal with it or get over it.

16:58 So you brought up the core of the conversation which is to be safe and lighthearted.

17:05 Yes.

17:05 And this is where we even started kind of at the top of the hour in our own journeys to learning, to coach and to ask questions of our clients and our kids and the people that we work with. It's this place of curiosity of what's going on in.

17:22 Yeah. Without it, we move into some places that are very difficult for our kids to engage in with us. But when, when we're curious, it keeps the conversation open. We want authenticity in our relationships. And I think those kinds of questions allow for, for our kids to be real and we can affirm them for telling us the truth. Even in situations where it might been easier to, to lie or to kind of fudge on that a little bit or just tell us what they thought maybe we wanted to hear.

17:51 We don't want our react. Shutting our Kids down those reactions that feel unsafe to them. So they think, oh, I can't tell mom that again, because she's gonna either blow up.

18:06 Yeah.

18:07 Get mad. She's gonna, like, show all this disappointment on her face. She's gonna then all of a sudden go into full anxiety mode and be, like, all stressful. And now she's gonna be telling. Because she's so anxious about what I just told her.

18:22 Yes.

18:22 That I now cannot. The.

18:26 It's the parent that I was working with where they found their daughter talking to a boy for the first time. And, you know, you're like. And it's out of the blue, and you're like, what are you doing? Yeah. It's a question. Like, but it's not very curious, like, who are you talking to? Was that. Was that a boy on the. What? You know, just. You could feel all the anxiety. It's like, that's one of those things where I think it probably is, like, okay, don't talk to mom or dad about this.

18:54 I've got to be here about it, because they're going to lose it. Right.

18:58 So as coaches are trained in. Chad, you're a marriage and family therapist. I think you probably even take classes on presence, don't you? Yes, I often think. Right. Calm, cool, and collect. Like, how can I let my face not show that my insides are fluttering?

19:16 Yes. I would have, like, even little placeholder scripts to get me to buy some time. Like, oh. Oh, wow, that's interesting. That would be like, I'm buying time right now. I don't know what to. To say right now. This has caught me off guard right now, so. Oh, wow, that's really interesting. Tell me more. You know, or things like that were lifesavers. Because my natural default response could be, what. What are you talking about? Not very helpful.

19:47 I love. Say more about that. I think that's what you just said. And we teach a few of those in the course. It's what to do when you don't know what to do next. Next in the conversation. Right. This is how to keep the conversation going. And I love those phrases. Those are even coaching tips that.

20:03 Yes. Right on.

20:04 Say more about that. Yeah. Or keep going.

20:07 Right.

20:08 And. Yeah. Like, you can just, you know, tell me more. Just tell me more about that.

20:14 Or take one or two of the kind of the loaded words that you heard the child say.

20:19 Yep.

20:19 And repeat it as a question. I was so embarrassed. Yeah, embarrassed. Love it. Right. It's like an invitation to keep going. And in those situations, I still might be Trying to collect myself, to stay calm, to stay curious, lighthearted, to just keep the conversation going.

20:37 Because at all different ages, our kids are going to come home and have, you know, say things to us that could trigger us. Right. I mean, I think, you know, even little ones. Right. Kindergarten seems to be like the age where our children will always come home and say something. Like, right now, Johnny showed me his privates and he wanted to see mine. Like, what in the world?

21:00 You didn't show him, did you? You didn't do this. And all the anxiety that comes out towards our kids and it seems pretty innocent and, you know, those kinds of things can shut down again, the conversations.

21:11 But yeah.

21:12 Yeah, I think the spiritual side of things, too. Right. I mean, you start thinking or your child says, well, I don't really want to pray. And I don't even think God hears me anymore.

21:20 That's a big one.

21:22 I want to jump in and start telling or promising that God does.

21:26 Or let me tell you my experience, because these were answered prayers. Don't you remember?

21:33 Yes. Right. Yeah. So I think those are, you know, two areas. The one that you just said and then the faith one creates some anxiety. But we can. And I want to make sure that parents hear this. We can learn to live in that place of safety. Child, you are safe with me. Which is the foundational first message we talk about in discipline that connects with your child's heart, is that we want to be safe with our kids.

22:00 And part of safety is asking curious questions and staying out of telling initially.

22:06 You know, Chad, for me, I am able to do that because of my faith. Faith in God and my. Yeah. So it's my. Sure. Foundation that I am not parenting my kids by myself, not even with my husband. It's God, you know, that he is guiding their journey more than my husband and I could ever guide their journey. And I can stand on that knowledge even as I think about my own story and I think about the great upbringing that I had with Christian parents, and I think about the years.

22:41 There's nothing huge Right. In my story, really, but there were years where I kind of walked away from the Lord. It was like he's just kind of in the backseat for a while.

22:50 Yes.

22:51 And I think about how that just must so pain my parents and how they just so would have wanted, you know, like, what's going on with Stacy.

22:59 Yes.

23:00 And yet how I think of those years and how the Lord was so gentle and kind with me and how he brought me back to deep faith in him. God's Going to do that for my kids. Kids, too.

23:12 Our story, our journey is not our kids journey. That's where the faith comes in that God's working. I'm going to do what I can do to keep strong connection with my kids, to faithfully pray for them and encourage them, guide them where I can. Right in faith, model for them. But when I parent from fear or anxiety, I know I become way more controlling. So so much of this is like, hold on a second. God is parenting with me.

23:39 He's for me, he's got my kids. Okay. So. And I think that would always bring me back to strong connection. How do I stay connected with my kids?

23:48 And I'm staying connected because I want to have the influence in their lives so that when it is time for me to say what I need to say, they will have ears and a heart open to hear it.

24:00 Yes.

24:01 And so I don't want to sacrifice a momentary, like, big reaction over something that shuts down, shuts down conversations, shuts down our relationship. And for me and one of my daughters, Faith was a really big one around that. It was that when I did hear, like, those comments, like, I don't know if we should pray, like, it didn't work last time. You know, there was a lot at stake.

24:27 Yes.

24:28 If I was going to react out of that anxiety and stress, because it would then shut down conversations of doubt. Because for me, I thought, well, that comment's coming from someplace deeper, and I want to know what that is, and I want to, at the right point, have the influence to be able to speak into that.

24:46 So what's the response to that? So that one. I could feel my heart skip a beat where it's like, well, we prayed last time. It didn't work. I don't think prayer really works. I think it's. I think it's kind of dumb and useless. Waste of time for me.

25:00 I often answered those first with just some empathy. Yeah. I can understand that you would think that.

25:06 Yeah. And so even just you saying that to me right now, I dropped it down a notch because I was kind of lobbing something at you.

25:13 Yeah.

25:13 You know, because I know your faith is really important. And so I'm. As a kid, I might just throw that at you a little bit. And now you just said what you said and I went, oh, okay. We're not going to fight here.

25:23 Yeah. I think about the phrase we say a lot in probably all of our courses that connected families. I'm okay even when you're not okay. Mm. And this was A big one here. I'm okay. My faith is solid and sure. Even when you're doubting right now.

25:37 Yes.

25:38 And so I'm really okay with you being in this place of doubting. And so. And again, back to my trust in my heavenly Father that he has my girls on their journey of faith and that the Holy Spirit is working to bring them to a place where he will provide the answers to their questions that they have in their mind.

25:57 The posture that you're talking about is one that I think for so many parents that I coach with, and I coach with lots of parents every year, that that is the game changing posture. For the rest of the framework that we talk about. If that posture can be adopted and not perfectly, but just ending there, it's like, hold on a second. I can be okay even if you're struggling right now. That creates so much kind of certainty in relationship.

26:26 That's okay. I've struggled too. It's all right for you to struggle and it's not going to shake my foundation because you're struggling. Our kids don't need that from us as parents. They won't do well with us kind of coming from that anxious or anxiety filled place. Even as you're talking and I'm putting, you know, just loosely putting the role the child on, I'm just like, wow, huh. Maybe there is something to this faith thing that my mom's got this that I don't know about or you know, like I don't have to change right now.

26:54 She's okay with me.

26:55 That heart position is something that I have had to keep putting on each day. You know, I have teenagers now.

27:02 Yes.

27:02 Right. It's not a one and done.

27:04 No. Right.

27:05 It is always back to my grounding in my faith isn't is in my father. So those conversations then are then open. So I'm telling you the days then that we are able to have conversations that go deeper about faith or about anything, about any hard topic or even about chores around the house. You know, anything is work well done.

27:28 Right.

27:28 Well, Chad, I know we're coming to the end of today's podcast. Any final things that we want to impart on this topic of keeping conversations alive for our community?

27:39 I think the expectations going into asking questions is important to have accurate expectations. Just because you start asking questions doesn't mean your kids are going to be like woohoo. My parents are really helping me build wisdom now.

27:51 Yeah, right.

27:52 It might be a little suspicious. So even just, you could even just start with saying hey, I think I've been telling a lot. I don't know. What do you think? Do I tell you a lot of stuff? It's like, yeah, you talk. You tell me stuff all the time. It's like, oh, man, I don't want to do that. I would like to try something different. And maybe just this next week, I'm going to see if I can ask a few more questions to get your perspective.

28:12 And if you don't know the answer, that's totally okay. But I'd like to work on this and grow in this area because I'm kind of tired of telling, and I think you probably are tired of me telling selling, too, so. So if you hear me asking some more questions, that's what I'm up to. Something as simple as that. But putting expectations in line with reality is always a good start.

28:30 And saying them out loud to your kids, I love that. So you're. You're not pulling something that they don't

28:36 try to trick you.

28:37 I like that. I also, as far as, like, expectations go, I think having clear expectations myself for what I, you know, want to see happen is good, too. And I think that we should really think about having these kinds of conversations with our kids. I think about the ocean, and right there's. There's maybe a sunken ship way down deep. And in one conversation, I'm not going to get down to that sunken ship. So my goal as a parent, when I have a.

29:05 Want to have a deeper conversation with my kids, is just to go a little bit deeper and then leave it at that, knowing that I'm going to be able to swing around to that in the future and have a conversation that might go a little bit more deep. This can be about all sorts of things. I think about, you know, middle schoolers and video game and how much time they're spending on it. And you just want to have a conversation around that and grow their own wisdom.

29:30 Let's just. Let's just touch on it today. We'll touch on it again in a couple of days, and we're going to just slowly grow this conversation to build wisdom in our kids.

29:40 Yeah. And that's having some proactive kind of vision for where we want our kids to be down the road, so.

29:46 Good. Well, thanks, Chan. This was a fun conversation with you on this topic.

29:50 Yeah, really fun. Thanks, Stacy.

29:52 Are you enjoying our podcasts? Please rate and review so others can find us more easily. And don't forget to subscribe so you don't miss a single episode. All of the information about the Power of Questions online course is found through a link in our show notes and@connectedfamilies.org register. Registration is open. Sign up today. For more information, go to connectedfamilies.org.