Let your child break free from you

0:00 I've fallen right into your trap. I am now the parent that needs the coaching. Dr. Shamali, [laughter] what advice do you have for parents who are trying to be more connected with their adult kids as the kids really are craving their independence? >> Right? So, when we say connect to your adult child, it's not about being in close proximity if that's [music] not what the child desires. When we say connect to the adult child, it's connect to the need developmentally that [music] the child needs to exhibit. And the developmental need of an adult child is to leave the roost. So connect to that need, meet that need. How do I do that?

0:42 Right? Which is so counter because it's not meeting my need. You see, the battle is my need to have you be my proxy surrogate medicine to make me feel good. Yes. >> Don't take away my drug. >> No. Exactly. But what does the child need developmentally? >> To live their life and to leave. >> To leave. To take risks. To be a failure. To learn to fly. That is what they came to this earth to do. You did your job [music] by getting them to this place. And now if you hold them back through tentacles of guilt and shame and control, you're clipping the very wings you work so hard to help expand. Because holding on to [music] somebody else not only robs you of somebody else flying into their destiny, it actually robs you of flying into yours.

1:30 >> Correct. Because it's not the authentic thing to do. When the authentic thing to do is to release and you're grasping both the one [music] you're grasping and you shrivel and die. So are you ready for your next iteration? You don't even know who the next Mel is going to be. We all better watch out because you have no idea what is going to be birthed within you when your [music] last child leaves for college. Now, aren't you excited about that?

1:58 >> Well, now I am. So, what is the balance between support [music] >> Yes. >> versus control. >> We're fighting reality. My child is leaving for college. I'm panicking because I don't know who I am without my [music] child. I don't like my partner and this is going to bring all my couples issues to the four and I need my child to be around. or [music] I have a terminal illness and I thought I was more special. I should not have a terminal illness or I got fired from a job and how could that happen to me. We are resisting reality in the here and now. So when we keep resisting pain, pain becomes bigger. It [music] doesn't go away. So what is pain here to teach you? To surrender. When we surrender, we not only release the pain, the pain actually becomes shrunken. We expand [music] into the next evolution. I tell my clients all the time, you know, you're not ready because you're not in pain enough. So come back to me when there's more pain. Because when there's more pain, then the ego will be ready to release its dogmatism. I need to have it my way and I will release to the surrender of the isness.