Want to Connect With Your Teenager?

0:00 [Music] hey everybody welcome back I'm Stacy belward the host of the connected families podcast Welcome to our community we are people committed to pursuing God's grace and truth for ourselves and then daily working to pass that Grace and Truth onto our children I'm so glad that you're here today you know today I'm going to have a really fun conversation I bet you there's going to be lots of laughs with Josh and Rachel Keller about how to stay

0:27 connected to your kids through the team years we're going to talk about three ways you can rally around your teens and it's going to be fun but first I want you to know that in just a few weeks we are going to be releasing two podcast episodes bonus episodes in Spanish everybody espanol a few of our Spanish speaking coaches gathered across continents via zoom and recorded two episodes that explain the framework in

0:58 Spanish okay so stay t tuned for those episodes so that you can pass them on to the Spanish speakers in your life you know in just a quick note we have certified parent coaches around the globe that you could meet with so check out our website for the full list and to find out where around the globe they are so today Josh and Rachel Keller are joining me Josh and Rachel are a mared Duo from Central Minnesota they believe

1:27 that teenagers are a Wonder to behold not a problem to be fixed they've been married for 15 years have three kids one dog a bunny and a bird and after becoming connected fam certified parent coaches they launched the Freedom Center Minnesota we'll have a link to that in our show notes it's a mental health practice in Wilmer Minnesota so welcome to the connected families podcast Josh and Rachel thank you so much we're so glad to be here we are so happy to be

1:58 here we love having the connected families parent coaches on the podcast and this is your first time so we're glad to have you and you know this podcast episode today is a little bit of the content that you spoke at a workshop at our parents Summit here in Minnesota so we're excited to share it with our greater audience Josh are you a youth pastor right now or were you I was yeah I was for the better part of 18 18 years

2:27 or so and then was a care pastor and now I'm a spiritual life director and advancement director at a Christian School in Wilmer Minnesota working with all the kids is where all the laughs comes from and the lighthearted yeah and Rachel you're a therapist so you bring the brain science don't you yeah sometimes also the laugh I think right oh yeah oh yeah for sure you love to laugh too but that's gonna be good okay I have a quick question for you guys

2:55 which connected families tool is your favorite I think when we first went through our coaching with Chad it was clear that we both probably needed to slow down get low and listen so slow low and listen has been something he was cling up for you Rachel I heard that that's just changed it's changed a lot for us and what's so interesting is I've even had couples that I've coached that said if we would have just even had that

3:22 tool maybe we maybe wouldn't have even had to go through the coaching process because that changed so much of our relationship with our kids so I'm so grateful for that tool well hey everybody just a quick heads up pay attention at the break in today's episode because we have a brand new product that's called quick guide for parenting cards that's like quick sheets for you to hear learn about the things or remind yourself of those things like

3:47 slowo and listen so just a big heads up all right here's my first question to you Rachel I read your bio in the beginning of the podcast and the two of you have a big idea and your big idea is teens are not problems to fix but wonders to behold that quote is from somebody named Mark ostriker Mar Striker yeah he's the president of an organization actually called the youth cartel which is funny but it's a youth

4:13 ministry resourcing organization out of San Diego and he is just a tremendous voice in the youth ministry World okay Rachel why is that quote just really important to you in your ministry it's a great question I think you know a lot of times when you think about teenage middle middle schoolers especially you think of oh my goodness these awkward years hard to connect just a lot of problems socially awkward different different things right that it feels

4:40 like a difficult time identity kids really trying to figure out who they are as people I it can feel like a really confusing time but I think when you have a mindset these are not people with problems to be fixed but they're in a season of life that they are really wonders to behold like God created this season in this time in Being Human for such purpose I think when you understand what's going on in their brain and just

5:05 the real valuable time that it is you can see them not as these awkward kids trying to figure it out but really these wonderful beings that God created that we get to be part of this like really impactful season of their life if you know like we're allowed into it so I think when we heard that both Josh and I it just resonated with us so deeply it's such a mind shift because Josh the truth is is that we as adults and parents we

5:32 can miss the boat like we just have trouble connecting sometimes with our kids we feel like there's a big gap like we're almost speaking two different languages in a sense we are right all the new lingo and all that stuff we got to keep on top of the things it's so mid that's so mid Stacy so mid you just need to be more busing like I mean it it's we do we live in we live in a different era

5:58 we live in a different time frame than what we were raised in and I remember my oldest brother was the classic overachiever and so in his Junior and senior of high school he took Japanese and one of the professors who was from Japan his parents came over to visit and he needed a place for them to stay and so they stayed with us the issue is is that they didn't speak any English and my brother who could translate was on

6:22 construction sites every day during the summer and so during the day it was my dad my mom and myself at home with them and my dad had this had this idea that if he just talked louder he would be able to get through to them they would be able to understand him and so he would just say something to them and then they would look confused and then he would say no dinner is ready come into the kitchen you know and they would

6:55 just smile and nod their heads so sweetly having no idea what he was saying and my mom would just laugh and look at him and say Gary what are you doing yeah they can't understand you you're not speaking their language no matter how loud you get it's not going to help them understand and I when I think about the way that we often try to relate to our kids we just think that sometimes the louder we get the more

7:16 they'll be able to hear us but I think if we've learned anything through the framework sound loudness does not equate connection and so I think what we found is that there are ways to connect uh with our students most of the time they don't like to be called kids our our students and so I think this is exciting time JH I know our babies I know this is this is going to be an exciting time today to be able to dive into some of

7:43 those ways that we can connect and really rally for our kids that's right that's good yeah you mentioned the word rally I love that word you used it in the workshop at that parents Summit so today we want to go into dive into three of the ways that you taught parents how to Rally so could you talk about that word rally and and what are the three ways and then we'll go into them yeah for sure I mean isn't it true that even

8:09 in sports when you talk about teams that are rallying they're going for the win woo and I just feel like don't we want to win we want to win with our with our students we want to win with them we want to we want to take the steps needed to win in this task that we have as parents and I think a lot of parents a lot of parents whether um they are or not I think a lot of times their

8:34 perception is is they're not winning and some of that is us just getting caught up in our own emotional mess and dysfunction but some of it is is just the perception that we have on how do I even win I don't even know how to win in this and so youth ministry background a lot of Youth Ministries and churches have these terrible acronyms I'm not an acronym person but as I was coming together with it coming together for

8:58 this content for this Summit it just felt right and so I'm stepping into the acronym and so rally so rally stands for remember ask listen limit and the word yft so we'll dive into yft last okay but but remember ask listen limit and yft and so today we'll dive into a few of those just to sort of help us step into rally mode for our students they they need it in fact they need us even the

9:28 season where act like they don't need us they desperately need us and it's part of who God's made us to be and the role that he's given us in their lives that's so good I want to take a little quick tiny little break everybody hey if this conversation is just striking you as wow this is good please share it with somebody else send it to someone who you know could get some value out of it and

9:51 let me back up with you Josh one second when you use the word win like you feel like parents aren't winning with their kids can you explain that because I feel like maybe I have a negative connotation of that like I have to be the like I have to be the boss and wi oh um and I'm not sure that's how you meant to use that no no no no no no when it comes to winning I'm talking about just winning

10:17 in parenting not winning battles this rallying is not about winning a battle against them in fact if if if you've been exposed to the framework you understand that that any problem that we face the the our kid is not the problem it's it's what we said earlier right they're not a problem to be fixed but a Wonder to be hold any problem that we Face we Face together moving at it together and when it comes to winning and parenting

10:43 that just means accomplishing what it is that God has set out for us in our responsibility to help Shepherd our kids towards the Heart of Jesus and so that's what winning for me winning is successfully stepping into who God's made us to be as parents and none of us have done this before so for the most part we really don't even know what it means to win because again all of us come from disfunction all of our

11:08 families are dysfunctional to one degree or another and so we come from dysfunctionality is that a word but we come from that and we are now trying to capitalize on what was great that we experienced in our childhood and build some New Roads towards success and parenting and so winning is not about winning a battle or a game against one another against our kids it's about stepping into who God's made us to be and what he's called us to do as parents

11:36 it's really good okay we're going to dive into those three but first we're going to go to a break and when we come back we're going to start with remember and I just can't wait for the rest of this conversation do you love yourself a good cheat sheet or have you ever purchased a short form book you know the very abbreviated version of the longer non-fiction book well I confess I am a huge fan of reading and books I've got a

12:06 bunch of them but I have purchased a short form book before well if you do like that kind of thing I think you're going to love the new product that our team put together we put together a set of cards that gives a digestible summary of our 11 Core teaching tools it's called the connected family's quick guide for par guing it gives simple practical reminders of the connected fames toolbox each card is a different tool you could

12:37 keep these 11 cards in a diaper bag or your mom bag or the car side pocket or maybe even on your kitchen windows to okay you get it and you might need more than one right they're less than $10 tap through to the show notes you can find them but these cards are really handy when you need reminders about the gifts garai or doovers the ABCs of affirmation or restorative consequences there's more you know the quick guide will help you

13:05 to remember what you learned in our online courses on this podcast or maybe in your coaching sessions they're designed super cute and readable so you can glance through and remember the points and how to use that tool when you need it I love that we're really glad that you are a part of our community and we hope that the connected familyes quick guide for parenting cards will be useful to better equip you to lead your family with Grace the quick guide for

13:37 parenting cards are on our website connected families.org or you could just tap through to the show notes right now to get your set of cards all right we're back from the break and we're going to dive into three of the points of the acronym rally and the first one is remember so Josh why is it so crucial to be in a place of remembering when it comes to our kids

14:08 and I can't wait Rachel you're going to start interjecting some of the brain science and other things so feel free to feel free to jump when you want to the reason why I think it's so crucial to remember is because it's so difficult for us to actually remember what it was like to be 12 13 15 18 years old and it's so easy to forget in the midst of conflict and challenge who our kids are why we love them where they're at in

14:38 their process and what they need in this season from us and so I just think stepping into that place of slowing down and remembering gives us perspective as to where we take our next steps in that moment in parenting and I think Rachel can really help help us in that what do we need to remember about the process location of our kids and who they are at this stage in the game okay I am so excited to talk about the teenage brain

15:11 it is fascinating so I know you guys are listening so this might feel a little challenging but some people are auditory listeners other people you know more tactile so I'm going to do a little bit of snapping so if you can like our bodies crave Rhythm Rhythm regulates our body so if you think about just a steady beat like this as I'm talking there's part of our kids' brain that is currently developed it's functioning at a rapid rate and that is their emotions

15:38 so they're you know they're they're angry they're joyful they're happy they're sad their emotions are regulating at a normal rapid Pace the other part of their brain that's that is already developed is their Reward Center of their brain so that like you think about the things that make you feel good sometimes it's a dopamine hit of you know adrenaline or it could be running it could be like chocolate cake it could be you get a smile from somebody and

16:02 you're like oh or somebody affirms you in some way and that just feels so good so we all have kind of a motivation about why we do things right so that's like the reward center of our brain so for teenagers or kids usually 10 to 24 is like an adolescent that's kind of the age range we're talking about so 10 to 24 they're that part of their brain emotion and the reward center of the brain is functioning at a rapid Pace

16:28 like this okay the part of their brain that is currently developing which is not developed yet is the prefrontal cortex and that is the part of the brain that manages decisionmaking impulse you know the quote of like you're smart but not wise that deep wisdom it comes from the part of the brain that is not connecting as fast as the others so when we're thinking about sitting with our kids and a lot of times they make

16:52 decisions and you think why on Earth did you do that most of the time it is because they had a feeling or emotion and there was a reward maybe connected to that that led their decision their brain wasn't able to connect the reasoning maybe why that would be a good idea or not a good idea you know they have a heartbreak and they you know are overwhelmed with sadness and grief why because they're feelings you know

17:16 they're leading and they don't have the capability to think I'm 12 I'm likely not going to marry the person that I was you know dating so for us as parents we can think good grief but understanding their brain development and like this is where they're at in this season where again the reward and the emotion quick so that's that quick snap and the slower snap I don't know if you can hear the difference not really not so

17:44 well but what we're picturing is Rachel has one hand snapping quicker and one hand snapping slower I don't know how you do that rhythmically Rachel but I get it and my question then is how does this help a parent on a daily basis you know remember and then work with their kids their teenagers yeah so I think it's just again it's that slowing down recognizing that the emotion is there the reward is there but trying to see

18:14 beyond that and we have to sit with our kids to create a space for them to build wisdom in their like for themselves so if we're going to sit down with our kid and we're just going to tell them what they need to do they're learning how to be an obedient child they're not gaining wisdom in their own life experience for your child to think about you know what the consequence of their behavior might be or what the reward of their behavior

18:37 might be sitting with them and processing with them not getting frustrated that they're not choosing the right thing every time or choosing the wise thing every time or can't you see this as a terrible decision like honestly they couldn't in the moment it felt fun they didn't know that that was a terrible decision it takes their brain a while to connect that so we want to try to not create shame in our kids but we want to give them a space where we

18:58 want to hold space for their brain to be able to grow in wisdom and process understanding that that is where God like that's how God created them in this season of their life yeah and one other thing I'll just touch on here is about two years before the onset of puberty kids part of their brain gets just dumped with all of this capability and just opportunity for growth so this happens in this season of life and

19:23 research says that this is the the optimal time for learning in your whole in the lifetime of of a person the most optimal time for learning starts two years about before puberty and then when puberty hits our brain starts deciding what it wants to keep and the beliefs it wants to continue believing are true and then the rest it starts pruning off because we can't hold all of that for our whole lives so I feel like that also

19:47 in thinking about our Junior highers and kind of those prepubescent years where it's kind of awkward and kids a lot of times get really emotional the world feels confusing it's a we as parents our caregivers have an incredible opportunity to start instilling in our kids beliefs that they will have about themselves and the world around them for the rest of their lives and that doesn't mean that our brains can't change but it's harder it's harder to change as

20:13 they as you know like these ideas and thoughts get ingrained you need to slow down be patient remember their brain development and then the opportunity that we have in this season of their life so good and you mentioned in there they're smart but not wise and by having understanding of the brain science then I can come around them and have conversations which are growing wisdom in them and not having more shaming conversations which really leads us very

20:42 well into the very next point of connection to Rally which is to listen because in those conversations they are going to start with questions and listening so that our child does know that hey we're on your team we're in this together I am for you not against you I remember saying those words to my teenagers I am so for you right now like um so Josh let's talk about listen yeah one of the things that I was thinking

21:12 about even as Rachel was talking there was if we could ask every listener today what they wanted what they needed from their parents when they were younger all of these things would come forward I need someone who's going to be patient with me I need needed someone who was patient I needed someone who was going to listen I needed someone who wasn't always going to try and give me a solution to every problem that I faced I

21:38 I what I needed and if we would just stop and consider what we remember us needing which is only a fraction of frankly probably of what we really needed because we don't remember everything I think it would I think it would just be so helpful to us as parents looking like what I needed so my kid needs that too and it's not going to be a natural tendency for me to give that to my kids and so I have to I have

22:05 to step into that in a way that will help my kid and one of the ways that we can do that is by listening and I think that being an active listener is super important that means not being preoccupied with anything but what our kids are saying and being actively emotionally and physically and verbally engaged with them being a verbal listener a visual listener an empathetic listener like our kids when they bring us things that are heavy

22:35 when they bring us things that are light they need someone who's going to be able to try and put themselves in their shoes and understand why they're feeling the way they're feeling and really they they need us desperately to be unphased listeners because in this journey of being a parent there are just things we're not prepared for when they say them even though often times they say them frequently I remember in our coaching time this whole idea of not

23:03 being surprised was something that was like oh yeah that makes total sense I shouldn't be surprised because this has happened like 10 times already but every time I just am totally shocked that they said this your room is a mess again din every night what how how in the world am I so phased I'm so phased by this stuff yeah and so one of the things that I suggest is is getting a good friend or your spouse to with you

23:32 and having them tell you every possible horrible thing that your kid could ever say to you the things that would make you cringe that your kid would say to you so that when they actually say them to you your face is not messed up okay Josh give me one yeah I hate the way you look Mom I hate the way you look you are embarrassing to me you know like how am I doing how am I doing Josh I I feel

23:58 like your face was pretty good it was pretty I know it was Josh I have been practicing it's your phase right what do you say you sayy parents fix your face that's what you say Josh that's what you teach people I love it I know like how about your kid coming home and saying hey I snuck out last night I got totally blasted drunk and I took this pill that I wasn't even sure what it was right

24:25 this girl was at this party and she just started making out with me and I didn't know what to do so I just did it and man it went you know I mean what are the things the things that the things that scare the crap out of you those are the things that you need people to look at you and be like I'm your kid and I'm saying this to you because when and if when and if those things happen we've

24:46 got to be okay it's right it's what's going on in me right it's that first step of the framework yes what's going on in me that if I can be safe if my kids can be have a safe place to process these things there's going to be so much positive that's going to come out of it and so it so being a good listener an unphased listener and an unas listener which I just love that phrase fix your

25:10 face I think you coined that I know Jim and Lyn used to talk about calm face and and this all fits into even when my kids were little they they told me you look angry are you an you know you're angry all the time I know I think a lot of parents have heard that and so this is really important for parents to like hold up a mirror what does your face look like and what is it communicating

25:34 to the kids and I'm telling you we can start these things at any time but the earlier you start with that the better because you're right Josh you threw some heavy things at me I remember some heavy things coming home too and to be an unfazed listener does not mean that you don't comment later does not mean that you don't talk about the things later yes it means that in the moment you're unfaced you're you have a calm face

25:58 which means that you're approachable you're not going to react you're not going to you know fly off the handle what in the world that was dangerous you're going to be calm and then deal with it when it's the right time that kind of is coming into the power of questions course and all the material that we taught there yeah which I actually wrote with with Chad h a coworker when I had teenagers so yes this stuff is really

26:25 good so I love that fix your face is really a good one there are plenty of times there are plenty of times where Rachel has been like you've got to go see your face right now cuz it is so it's just really bad you know claim to not be angry however look at your face Joy of living with a therapist is that what that is Josh that is definitely the joy of living with a therapist yes okay we got

26:51 to get to the last one and I know we're coming to the end of the time of our podcast but the third one we're going to cover is yft which did you make up that word what is that word y i ft you can use it in Scrabble I encourage it okay it is a real word but it it means to move or shift quickly and effortlessly indicating agility and gracefulness the idea is a d Glide D Glide flow to move

27:17 or shift quickly and effortlessly indicating agility and gracefulness and as parents if we want to connect and keep a healthy relationship with our students we' got to be committed to growing in the area of yft and being able to move or shift quickly or effortlessly it's not a skill that most of us have naturally we all need to grow in this whether adaptability is in our top five strength finders or not practicing it helps us because our kids

27:48 so desperately need us to be able to meet them where they're at and and where they're at is constantly changing it's constantly all over the place and so our ability to be yft moving or shifting quickly and effortlessly it's so crucial it's so crucial so Josh what does it look like can you just paint a picture in daily life yeah and some of it comes in preparation honestly that we would that we would prepare for needing to be

28:19 flexible and some of that comes down to the idea of creating space for flexibility and that means this whole idea that we sort of came up with called protecting the perimeter if we can be people that protect the perimeter of our lives so that we have space we have capacity our ability to be adaptable is going to be greater than if we're constantly moving at a burning red hot Pace all the time and and here's the

28:49 thing we need this for our own lives we need to be flexible and adaptable being able to shift quickly and effortlessly for ourselves first and then we've got to have space to be able to do that for our kids and so that's my two cents on it I just think how we engage the perimeter of our lives and what we allow ourselves the space to do or not to not to do is going to crucially impact the way that we

29:17 engage our kids in the way of adaptability and you can imagine this playing out when you have you have planned to do an activity with one of your kids and they come home and you're so excited to connect with them and they're grumpy and they have an attitude and I don't want to do that and you know and so then you you don't have to forego your plans but you allow yourself to step into where your child is

29:37 emotionally right remembering like their emotions are leading them their Reward Center their brain is leading them so stepping into that emotion saying wow you know you're seeing super frustrated is everything okay is anything going on like take the opportunity to to have a conversation with your kid to slow down to not just push them to the thing that you have planned I think that's that like effortlessly shifting through through it's us recognizing where our kids are at maybe what they need and

30:02 forgoing maybe some of the plans that we have to connect in order to meet our kids where they're at you know and then to do the thing that we maybe have planned yeah no that totally makes sense or I can imagine it could be something like you know shoveling the driveway or cleaning the kitchen this is my agenda and my timing you know and can I if can I say hey you know in the next hour

30:26 could you get it done you don't have get it done right now when I want you to get it done cuz I'm feeling the need for this job to be done yes I could feel that's that's some yft because I'm paying attention to where they're at yeah that's good what does and what does it look like for us to maybe even step into those things with them it was like months ago that in my own life I was

30:47 just feeling convicted about I'm always asking my kids to do this but what if I did it with them versus just well we can be more productive if I'm doing this and they're doing that but sometimes what they really need is they need that connection even in doing that thing together and so being able to have that flexibility and also the perspective when we remember hey this thing is going to be here tomorrow and me connecting

31:14 with my kid is going to be so much more crucial In This Moment than than me just trying to get my things checked off my list this conversation has been so useful I think there's a lot of parents that are are going to be able to really grab a lot of meat out of it so I appreciate that so much Josh and Rachel I mean we covered we covered fix your face which was right in the middle of the listen

31:42 point of rally but we covered three things which was remember and you brought so much Great Brain science into it and then listen which was fix your face and then yft the new word everybody that you can like write on your chalkboard we're going to be paing who y That's right love that and I'm swaying back and forth everybody if you can't see I want to be a parent who Ys for sure so I wonder Josh if you have any

32:09 final words of encouragement to parents and then Rachel I would love to ask you to pray us out and pray for all of the parents that are listening yeah I just want to encourage you number one you're not alone the things you're facing there are so many of us that are facing those same things I think the only difference is that some of us have had this information longer than others and so we've actually had time to try and put

32:37 it into practice but on the daily we're all failing at things we're all getting things wrong and we're all having opportunities to redo them and so I just want to encourage you today that taking one thing from this and putting it into practice is going to help your relationships with your students in ways that maybe you couldn't even imagined and so may you just know that God's grace is there for you and more often than not so is your kids's Grace they're

33:07 ready and willing to extend that to you as you come to them and say hey I'd like to retry that and so may we be the kind of people that step into relationship in the way that Jesus steps into it with us extending Grace and receiving Grace good words Josh Rachel would you close us in prayer father I thank you so much for this time that we could be together all across the world with one heart towards

33:33 you God just seeking your wisdom and your discernment and raising our kiddos who are in this season of life God that is so incredibly wonderful I thank you for each student represented God and just the plans and purposes that you have for their lives I pray that you help us as parents and Guardians and aunts and uncles to just be able to see the Wonder the wonder that each kiddo holds that you help us to extend Grace

34:01 to ourselves and Grace to our kids remembering where they're at in their development I'm remembering that you are equipping them and you are allowing trials and struggles and great joys in their life to prepare them for the calling that you have for them so I just pray that we would be intentional in our relationship with you that the wisdom that we can offer them will be from you in your unchanging wisdom I'm in a world that is Shifting and changing every day

34:30 but you don't and so I pray that we would seek your heart for ourselves and that we could overflow um that wisdom and into our kiddos help us to hold space for their processes and where they're at and just continue to encourage us God we thank you for the opportunity that we have to be where we are with the people that you have entrusted us with in our lives what in your name I pray amen amen amen Josh and

34:55 Rachel thanks so much for being part of our community and on the podcast today thank you yeah we had a great time thanks for having us thanks for tuning in today friends will you share this podcast with a friend you know I was just in Nashville last weekend with a couple of ladies from our community who told me that a friend sent them the podcast and that's how they have been receiving the encouragement for their parenting especially because they're in

35:22 the throws of heavy driving with their kids to all the places I'm sure you know how that go sometimes well and if you have another minute please rate and review and thank you for that we are listener supported organization over 50,000 parents like you listen to the podcast every month your individual donation make the work to equip and encourage families possible for more information about connected families follow us on Instagram or Facebook or go to Connected families.org I will see you

35:54 next time [Music]