5 Phrases to Avoid Saying to Your Child (& what to try instead!) | The Mom Psychologist

0:00 but we have to understand that intention and impact are two different things so Our intention might be to motivate our child and get them doing to do better and make better choices but the impact is what matters most right how we make our child feel how they interpret the things that we say is what matters [Music] most it is estimated that we speak anywhere from 7,000 to 14,000 words a

0:31 day and in the sea of endless words that we are speaking throughout the day we tend not to forget the words that are said out of anger and I think it's so important to recognize our power as parents because there's just certain things we don't want to say right we can't say as parents and you know what we say has the ability to either Speak Life over our children or or not it has the ability to either build their

1:03 confidence and their self-esteem or tear them down and make them feel horrible about themselves you know we're either breeding their self-confidence and their sense of worth and agency over their lives or we're causing a lot of doubt and low self-esteem and it's you know not that these things are necessarily always so black and white but I do want to just emphasize the point that our words are powerful and so in this episode I'm going to be shooting it to

1:32 you straight okay we're going to be talking about the top five phrases we just don't want to say as parents right they have such a negative impact on not only our relationship with our child but most importantly our child's development and their sense of identity how they see themselves and their place in the world and also how they interact with other people and the relationships they choose and how they navigate these relationships so we want to avoid these

2:01 phrases like the plague okay really quickly before we get into the phrases to avoid I would just want to say I'm Dr Jasmine I am a clinical psychologist in a mom of three I often forget to introduce myself so I'm trying to get better at that um around here we talk about all things parenting Child Development and really our mindset and our own mental health and how all of those three things intermingle with each other but anyways let's dive into the

2:28 episode phrase number one that I want you to eliminate from your vocabulary is you're making me so angry right it's really important that we take responsibility for our feelings our child is not responsible for how we feel sure their behaviors their choices the environment they impact our feelings right they influence but at the end of

2:58 the day those are our feelings and we have to take full responsibility for them I want you to understand too that when we say phrases like this and when we hear phrases like this let's say somebody else is telling us this this is a form of subtle manipulation right it is to say okay I am feeling so angry because really I feel powerless I've perceived that I I've lost my control in this Dynamic and I want to regain that control back so

3:30 I'm going to cause you harm I'm going to inflict fear and guilt so that I get you to do what I want you to do so that I'm in the driver's seat right this is manipulation and I know we don't mean it like this right we don't mean to manipulate our child and their emotions and their choices but we have to see it as this cuz this is what it is we also need to recognize that this Dynamic and

3:54 these types of phrases really negatively impact the parent child relationship right it's going to weaken your connection with your child and it's also going to cause them stress so what happens in our brains when we perceive threat and we are in fear is that our body goes into a stress response right we're either going to fight back which means we're going to get defensive we're going to get angry back we're going to attack you back or we're going to flee

4:24 we're going to Jet out of there right kind of just get out of there at all costs run away or we're going to freeze and we're going to become numb and Frozen and we don't respond at all right so this is what your child does when they're stressed and when we're saying you're making me so angry right we're attacking them it's an incredibly scary place for our child to see us angry and feel responsible for our feelings right

4:55 feel like they are to blame for how we feel that's an incred incredibly scary place to be as a child so they have no other choice but to perceive that threat and then do something about it right and either fight get defensive and attack you back leave the situation run away or just emotionally shut down and go numb I also want you to realize is whenever we make somebody else responsible for how we feel we are giving them power right

5:29 we are essentially saying now you fix me right and nobody else can fix us that's not their responsibility anger is an inside job it's on us to self-reflect recognize how we're feeling understand our triggers and take action to change the situation our mindset what have you right this is an inside job that nobody else can do especially not our child who can barely even do that for themsel right so and instead when you find

6:00 yourself wanting to say phrases like this like you're making me so angry I want you to pause take a step back and I want you to say I'm angry right now right I'm upset I'm feeling overwhelmed because I feel like something is off between us we're not really working as a team so I'm going to take a step back I'm going to take care of my body so that I can think clearly about this situation and so that most importantly

6:26 we can work as a team and we can get back on track right right that is calm confident leadership in action you're taking accountability and you're showing your child you're modeling for them how to emotionally regulate how to take accountability for our feelings and reminding them that the connection that you guys have is most important right this this thing this conflict this little mishap we're going to get through this okay we're going to get through this as a team is not going to come

6:55 between us but first I recognize I need to take a step back and calm my body down so that I can think more clearly always remember if you take nothing else from this episode children are not responsible for adults feelings right that is our responsibility it is our job to calm oursel down be the mature person in the relationship not our child okay as much as we wish for that to be in the moment we have to put put our big girl

7:23 and boy pants on and take leadership and this is what leadership sounds like like in the moment right I am feeling angry I take responsibility for those feelings okay number two phrase to erase from your vocabulary is you're dumb you're stupid you're you're you're whatever fill in the blank right whatever kind of put down that you want to say and often times you know there are parents in the world unfortunately that say those things and you might have heard this

7:52 from your parents but there's also those subtle forms of criticism those jokes SAR ASM right it's like a joke masked as a form of criticism it's a way for us to get you to try to change your behavior something that we don't like and we're trying to criticize you into better Behavior if you catch my that right um so it can be as blatant as you're so careless or stop being so stupid or quit

8:24 being so annoying or it can be well that was smart right where you're being sarcastic rolling your eyes and all of that good stuff right that is also again criticism and what we know about criticism in for children who are raised with critical parents research tells us that what children come to learn is to use avoidant types of coping skills to

8:56 navigate and survive so they will be more likely to procrastinate use passive aggression or rumination as a form of coping another interesting thing that comes out of the research on children with critical parents is that they come to avoid the emotional facial expressions of others both good and bad and so what this does is it negatively impacts their relationships right where they are not as good as re at reading

9:28 other people's you know cues understanding social dynamics communication right because they're more avoidant of those emotional facial expressions they're not picking up as much and it also hinders the connection that they feel with other people now this is all you know research-based and it's not like a onetoone relationship where this causes this but there is an association between those things and so we want to be really mindful of the critical statements that we give our

9:58 child especially when we feel judgment towards their behavior so when children get it quote unquote wrong it's important to focus on problem solving not the actual problem my mom used to always say if you're not a part of the solution you're part of the problem and I really love that statement because when I remind myself of that in the moment it helps me focus on what's most important which is to stay connected with my child stay you know in a kind of

10:27 we're a team spirit and focus on problem solving it also reminds me that when most issues are fixable it's my responsibility to take the lead as the parent and find the solutions to the problems right of course I want to allow my child to have input and say but It ultimately is my responsibility to take the lead and model what problem solving looks like it also reminds me that tearing my child down does nothing to improve their

10:57 behavior it actually makes it worse and that I can't use my child as a means of venting out my emotions right whenever I feel anger bubbling up that's my sign to slow down take a pause take space and you know take care of myself and then to focus on problem solving okay what's the next best thing that I can do in this situation to move towards the goal of resolving the issue so I this is just

11:25 your gentle reminder that In the Heat of the Moment choose your words very carefully children do not forget what we say to them um especially when it comes to the negative critical statements that we make about them and their character and if you're needing more help with managing your triggers and you know dealing with your intense anger in the moment don't worry I got you I that's why I created one of the biggest reasons why I created my online program the

11:53 positive Discipline Academy is to help support parents through their emotions because I realize we can't help children through their emotions if we're losing it and we're spiraling and we're totally overwhelmed right like those two things have to go hand inand we can't talk about one without talking about the other so um be sure to check out my Discipline Academy you can go to the mom psychologist. comom Academy and the um links will be in the description in the

12:23 show notes of this episode now phrase number three is why can't you be more like your Fillin the blank brother sister cousin peers at school what have you right why can't you just be more like that person right it's another form of criticism right I'm upset at you I don't think you're measuring up I see somebody else who's doing it better and I want you to be like that person now we might say these things in an effort to

12:55 help our child improve and motivate them towards better but we have to understand that intention and impact are two different things so Our intention might be to motivate our child and get them doing to do better and make better choices but the impact is what matters most right how we make our child feel how they interpret the things that we say is what matters most and the fact is is that whenever we compare our child to

13:25 somebody else like their siblings we are causing resentment we are winking the parent child relationship and we are fueling sibling rivalry and sibling hatred we are doing nothing to improve their behavior we're actually worsening it I also want you to realize too that when the other child the one who's being glorified the one who's the better one when they're put on this pedestal now all of a sudden they have immense pressure to keep their status right and that is also really

13:57 unhealthy for that child child these statements um are dysfunctional and they cause weird Dynamics between whoever you're comparing I'm thinking siblings let's just go with siblings so they cause weird sibling Dynamics and they lower your child's self-esteem and they weaken their connection with you and so really you want to avoid any comparisons whether it's a good comparison or a bad comparison and focus your language on the actual event not your child not

14:29 their character their personality right just keep it focused on what happened and what your child did the behavior not who your child is you also want to keep your language focused on what you observed not what you speculate or what you fear or what he said she said no what do you know what are the facts as you understand them and then most importantly like I said earlier how to problem solve right we don't that's the

14:56 most important thing how do we get through this if it's not focused on the solution we no I don't want it okay that's really really important because again dwelling on the negative and dwelling on the issues and dwelling on the critical statements it's not moving the needle forward it's moving us backwards and it's also causing you to spiral and feel more overwhelmed so it's just it's a no it's a no for me dog and remember you know children in general

15:25 they make better choices when they feel better about themselves right tearing our child down and talking about their character or pinning them against another person and comparing them to somebody else that is not making them feel better about themselves right that is making them feel like they don't measure up and so as parents you know you're the one that they look to for the messages right messages about who they are and their identity and how to feel

15:50 about themselves and how to understand their place in the dynamic of these relationships and in the family system right they're looking to us because we are the leaders for information on these things and so it's really important that we make sure that our language is positive as best or neutral at best right if anything and just gentle reminder children do better when they feel better right tearing our child down and talking negatively about their

16:21 behavior and comparing them to their sibling does nothing to build them up it actually tears them down which leads to even more negative behavior and more sibling rivalry so remember children are looking to us for information on how to perceive themselves right what type of person they are are they good are they bad what um are they a valued member in the family system right and how they compare to other people as well as you know how to understand and relate to

16:50 others right they're looking to us because we are their confident leaders for this information and so while they are developing especially we just need to be really careful on the language and we want to avoid comparing them to anyone else right they are one of one okay another thing I want you to stop saying is stop talking to me or go away and you know I'm really passionate about parents taking breaks I don't think we get enough breaks parenting can feel

17:21 very stressful and overwhelming we can feel really touched out I mean the list goes on right so I am a huge advocate for taking space and taking breaks as much as we can right this is a marathon this is not a Sprint but there is a difference between pushing our child away versus taking space on our own right it's very subtle but it's very important right I'm going to go take some space is very different than saying

17:51 you need to go take some space right you need to leave me alone and we have to realize that whenever we push our child away in that way it is a form of rejection and it's going to send them spiraling you're going to they're going to have more intense feelings they're going to tantrum they're going to get aggressive or they're more likely to tantrum and get aggressive they're more likely to engage in power struggles with you and all of that right because you're

18:19 rejecting them you're telling them go away leave me alone and so I what I want you to get in the habit of when you need a break cuz again breaks are a necessity in parenting especially when you're parenting little ones but you just say I'm going to go take a break right I'm going to take a quick break I'm feeling overwhelmed I need some space I'm going to run to the bathroom real quick and I'm going to take space or you just

18:41 don't even say anything at all and you say just I'll be right back I'm going to go to the bathroom and then you debrief you reconnect when you're in a better head space okay the fifth final thing to avoid saying to your child is why are you being so difficult what what is wrong with you or why are you doing that okay now it is very different from hm I wonder why you did that H help me

19:10 understand your choices and why you decided to do it that way I'm I'm curious versus why did you do that okay so often times it's not what we say it's how we say it right in the tone and basically what we're saying what we're implying why did you do that is like you did something bad right right um that is again another form of criticism and so it's just worth stating again when your child's Behavior starts to overwhelm you

19:38 take a step back and focus on problem solving because we have to just be real with oursel asking those rhetorical questions does not move the needle forward okay they're just knee-jerk reactions when we get overwhelmed and we're angry and we want our child to change in that moment okay so instead of asking them a question and that puts them down I want you to train your mind to ask a better question and the better question is how can we move forward

20:06 right how can we work better as a team H let me think about this I'm open to your suggestions but that's what I'm focused on I'm focused on moving the needle forward in this interaction so in summary you want to avoid phrases that make your child feel like they're responsible for your feelings subtle forms of criticism disguised as jokes and sarcasm blatantly attacking your child's character personality or comparing them to someone else like

20:37 their siblings and when we encounter conflict or an issue in the relationship the most important thing is to slow down take a beat gather yourself as best as you can we're not going to be perfect with this take responsibility for your feelings right this also helps with with your regulation okay I'm feeling angry right now all right that's all right I take responsibility for my anger and most importantly Focus your energy on problem

21:08 solving because words are powerful right words matter children don't forget what we say In the Heat of the Moment now I've been shooting it to you straight this episode right can you tell I'm passionate about this I'm passionate about children's overall well-being and I know how impact ful the language that we use with them is and so I hope that this episode helped shine some light on some things you can avoid or just look out for and instead what to focus on but

21:41 I want to end with just a brief discussion on self-compassion right we cannot shame ourselves into better parenting and just as critical statements towards our child harm them critical statements towards ourself harm ourselves right and so it's most most important again the spirit of this episode if we are not a part of the solution we're part of the problem so yes take accountability reflect on your anger remember like I said anger is an inside job this is our job to do to

22:14 understand recognize our triggers and deal with whatever issues we have or strengthen our mental health and take better care of oursel whatever it is this is our work to do and there's a fine line between taking account accountability and bashing ourselves and I don't want you to get into that area right because that leads to doing more of the things we hate right it's just like when our child feels better about themselves they're going to make better

22:40 choices well when we feel better about ourselves we as the parents make better choices so I just want to end off by reminding you that self-compassion during this journey is so important right we're all learning we are all life Learners in this game of life okay parenting specifically and so there's no way for us to get this 100% right so if you're like oh my gosh as you're listening to this episode I've said this I'm such a horrible parent I'm ruining

23:10 them I'm ruining their childhood you know you're kind of starting you're finding yourself spiraling okay notice that notice those critical statements okay this is very meta right just like we're doing with our parenting we want to do it with oursel but notice it offer yourself compassion and instead ask what is the solution here right what is the next best thing I can do to strengthen my mindset and strengthen my Approach and if you are looking for more guidance

23:38 more tools on your mindset and your approach Shameless plug uh check out my online parenting program positive Discipline Academy because like I said earlier it not only walks you through how to be a more calmer regulated parent but then it teaches you how to do how to teach your child those same skills how to overcome you know challenging behaviors and issues with parenting in a more connected grounded intentional way

24:11 I'm really proud of the program I've had hundreds of students go through it and they've seen such incredible results in their families within uh months not years okay so you can go to the mom psychology.com Academy if you'd like to learn more again all the links will in the description in the show notes and let me know down in the comments you know what is something that your parents said as to you when you were a child

24:38 that you will never forget I think it's important like self-reflection question if you feel called to you can share your responses in the in the comments below if you're watching on YouTube but either way like reflect on some of those things that really stung as a child and what really stuck with you um that can be really eye openening exercise for yourself and just kind of put yourself in your child's shoes in that way all right that is it for this episode I'll

25:08 see you in the next one bye [Music]