Transcript
0:00 My older child says I favor the younger one. I know that's not true, but I also don't want her to feel that way. What should I do? The best thing to do is lead with curiosity, not proving. I have a tendency to leave with proving, too. It would sound like this. What are you talking about? Tell me an example. Wait, I took you to ice cream today. I haven't taken your younger sibling to ice cream in a long time. It's not true. I'm proving that I don't favor my younger kid. If I lead with curiosity, it sounds totally different. That must feel bad to feel that way. Okay, tell me more. I want to better understand. We're going to figure this out together. We often mistake something. We feel like if I don't say to my kid, that's not true, then I'm saying to my kid, it's true. I favor your sibling. That's actually not the case. If you were talking to a partner or a friend and if you said to them, "I feel like you never help out at night." And they say, "Well, that's not true. I helped out two nights ago and I helped out on this date. Let me show you my calendar." Not that helpful. If they say to you, "Oh, tell me more about that." That's actually what we're looking for in that moment.
Summary
- Lead with curiosity to understand your child's feelings rather than proving them wrong.
- Acknowledge your child's feelings; it’s important they feel heard and validated.
- Avoid defensive responses that focus on proving your point, as they can shut down communication.
- Use open-ended questions to encourage dialogue and exploration of feelings.
- Recognize that dismissing a child's feelings can lead to misunderstandings and resentment.
- Compare the situation to adult conversations, where validation is more effective than rebuttal.
- Aim to work together with your child to resolve their feelings and concerns.