# Breaking down the definition of trauma with Dr. Nicole Wilke **Creator:** Connected Families **Platform:** youtube **Duration:** 5m **Source:** https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=95hqpZBNNd0 ## Summary The discussion centers on the definition of trauma and its implications for children, emphasizing the distinction between stress, adversity, and trauma. The speakers advocate for a constructive approach to discussing trauma with children, suggesting that parents use the term "challenge" instead, to foster resilience and hope. - Trauma requires both early adversity and a subconscious perception of threat. - Stress can be positive or negative, while adversity involves significant challenges that may not be developmentally appropriate for children. - Trauma can lead to long-term consequences if untreated, affecting physical and mental health. - Experiencing trauma does not determine a child's future; healing and recovery are possible. - Parents should communicate about trauma in a way that acknowledges hardship but also emphasizes hope and potential for growth. - Using the term "challenge" can help frame difficult experiences positively, encouraging resilience. - It’s important for parents to engage with their children about these experiences, providing support and a vision for healing. ## Transcript **Speaker 1** [[0:00]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=95hqpZBNNd0&t=0s) Foreign. **Speaker 2** [[0:13]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=95hqpZBNNd0&t=13s) Society seems to be really confused about the definition of trauma. And it's used all the time for all of the things you write in the book about the college student who got fired and couldn't do life for two weeks because she was so traumatized and just. Yeah. So will you define it like as short as possible? I guess and. Yeah. And then talk about healthy ways for parents to use that language or not use that language in everyday life with their kids? **Speaker 1** [[0:45]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=95hqpZBNNd0&t=45s) Yeah. So the definition, I would kind of have a three tier definition. Stress is going to be challenge that everyone experiences. We know we can have positive stress, like giving a public speech. We can have negative stress, like a bad grade, but everyone will experience stress. Adversity tends to be circumstances that require children, early adversity in particular, that require children to respond in a way that we wouldn't consider developmentally appropriate. So things like divorce, death of a parent, extreme prolonged illness, you know, somebody who, a family member who's in prison, things like that. **Speaker 1** [[1:26]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=95hqpZBNNd0&t=86s) And early adversity is something that's objective, it's measurable. We can see that these things have happened. Trauma is something that requires both early adversity and a subconscious perception of threat. Okay, so not only am I experiencing early adversity, abuse, neglect, but I'm also experiencing psychologically that this is a threat to my well being or the well being usually of my primary caregiver, somebody that I love that's really close to me. **Speaker 1** [[1:56]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=95hqpZBNNd0&t=116s) So if my mom is being, if there's a domestic abuse situation and I fear for her life, that could be really traumatizing. The thing about trauma is it does require that early adversity, something fairly extreme typically, but it also requires that instantaneous, subconscious perception of threat. Now, to be clear, this is not something where it's, you know, you can convince your child that there isn't a threat. It's boom, they've experienced that and it often has. If untreated, if not dealt with properly, it can have these long term consequences that can show up in physical health, mental health, behavior, all sorts of ways. **Speaker 1** [[2:37]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=95hqpZBNNd0&t=157s) Now, for the parent whose child has experienced this, I think it's really important to note that even trauma is not deterministic. Okay. So it doesn't mean that because you've experienced trauma, you'll always be traumatized. Right. This is something that is very, we're very capable of healing, of, of bringing hope. And sometimes we do need to engage a wonderful credentialed Christian counselor who knows what they're doing in this space. And there are lots of ways that we can work with trauma in terms of how we communicate this to our children. **Speaker 1** [[3:15]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=95hqpZBNNd0&t=195s) I think that given the current context and the way that trauma is being talked about within popular literature as something that sort of determines your future, I don't know. I think really you have to ask the Holy Spirit whether your particular child needs that conversation. I prefer to use the word challenge. I like the word challenge because challenge can be broader and more encompassing and we can talk about how we're acknowledging the truth that this is a really hard thing. **Speaker 1** [[3:48]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=95hqpZBNNd0&t=228s) Man, I wish you had never experienced this. I'm really sorry that this happened to you. And yet I want you to know that this doesn't make you marked or that you're damaged goods. That we serve a God who redeems. And so I believe that, that God is going to use this for his glory and your good. I remember a particular time when I was, I was young and I had had an extreme illness. My appendix burst and they didn't know it. **Speaker 1** [[4:18]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=95hqpZBNNd0&t=258s) And so of course that creates challenge. And this is about a year long process. And I remember laying in bed one night with my mom and I'm just honestly ranting like I was very upset. And I remember her looking at me and she said, nicole, I believe that God is going to use this. He's going to use this to make you who he wants you to be. And she said, she said, I think he's going to make you a public speaker. **Speaker 1** [[4:44]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=95hqpZBNNd0&t=284s) And I was like, I don't want to be a public speaker. But it was about in that moment, her calling out that this could be redeemed, that I couldn't say that as a 13 year old because 13 year olds are going to say that to their moms typically. But I, it stuck with me. There was something in my heart that said, this is not for. Not. And so I think using the challenge language with our children, acknowledging the really hard, the difficult, but we can't stop there. **Speaker 1** [[5:13]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=95hqpZBNNd0&t=313s) We have to both say, yes, I'm here with you, I'm in it right, I'm in it right here with you. But we're going to come through this together. **Speaker 2** [[5:22]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=95hqpZBNNd0&t=322s) We're not diminishing that this is a hard thing, but we're giving them a higher vision and a more long term vision of what God can do through it.