0:02 welcome to my brand new podcast parenting and you with me Dr shaali now this isn't your typical parenting podcast my message you see isn't about fixing our children or creating that perfect child it's about helping you the parent discover how you can get out of your own way and consciously connect with your children so that they grow to be the most empowered resilient and

0:33 worthy in this podcast I speak directly to real parents who are the throws of their parenting struggles and I help them in real time like you The Listener I have never met these parents before so it's completely unscripted spontaneous and organic it is raw real deep and so relatable even though you may not be going through through the exact same challenges as my guest there will be

1:04 Universal teachings that will transform your life parent or non-parent this is a podcast to help every human who has been a child or is Raising one in this episode we're going to be talking about something that every parent does making endless schedules and Tim taes we parents fill up calendars because we believe we can predict our children's every move we have these visions that

1:35 they will be in bed by 7 o'cl so that then we can talk to our girlfriends or watch a Netflix show have some wine or dare I say a romantic dinner but when all these plans go to bust because you know our children they don't follow any script then we lose our minds we yell we scream and everything falls apart in today's episode I'm going to be sharing with you the reason why our best laid plans with our children may not be going

2:05 quite as well as we hoped and what we can do about it instead my first guest is a mother struggling with sleepless nights in a household that is filled with toddlers And there's a baby on the way I always say that if the first 10 years of your parenting are not a ha of exhaustion confusion sleep deprivation then you are doing something wrong add a

2:37 few more children into the mix and now we have a roller coaster ride everything is on steroids it's a tsunami of emotions overwhelm and fatigue well that's what my next guest Amy is in the midst of she has a three-year-old daughter who she says is experiencing night terror and bad dreams and every night is endless stream of taking her to the bed and then bringing her back oh I

3:07 know so many parents are going to relate and then she has another one and a half-year-old daughter and another child on its way so Amy is in the throws of it welcome Amy I know you have a lot to share with us hi yeah definitely a lot to share and I think you explained it perfectly to a tea um we have been very sleep deprived my husband and I and between the two of

3:37 them it's been hard to sleep you know two children in the same bedroom together is hard enough but when one is um let's say not into it not into sleep as much as she used to be which she was a very good sleeper when she uh was a baby we never had any issues so it was a kind of shock to the system to now start dealing with this with her yes so when would you say her sleep issues

4:05 started um the second that we moved her from a crib to a bed how old was she she she was it was before she had turned three so I want to say I think she was about two and a half I felt like it was a little bit early for her but my child is very active and for her to not even start climbing out it was around Christmas because she jumped out of her bed Christmas morning saying I want to

4:31 see uh Santa and that was you know not safe anymore we can't climb out of the crib right and now where is your one and a half Yee old does she sleep with you no she is in the room with her um we moved her in there when she was about seven or eight months old so they've been sharing a room for over about a year now um and when they were in cribs it was really not a challenge I mean of

4:55 course there's the couple nights here and there and there's the illnesses but ever since we've started with her being able to let's call it Escape it's been a challenge right so you are of the mindset right of the agenda you have an agenda and your agenda is a keep her safe B can you please go to sleep already so I can sleep but your child as is often the case has a different agenda and her agenda is to answer to an

5:25 emotional need she has an emotional need to feel safe to be with Mommy and we have to remember that your three-year-old has been through a lot of changes when she was a year and a half your other child was born so already she was experiencing where's mommy mommy's not mine anymore mommy doesn't belong to me I have to share her and you know I just want all parents to understand that there are some key developmental phases

5:56 that we cannot ignore and one of the first ones is around the age of a year and a half around 18 months to 24 months our children experience what's called separation anxiety what that means is that for the first time in their life they are exploring their worlds separate from Mommy but they need Mommy to return to they need that secure attachment so look what happened to your three-year-old exactly during her

6:26 separation phase what happened you had another child although she took to it well obviously she was always been a mommy's girl it's always been me as the um priority parent to her and obviously I was nursing and there was a lot of things going on and we read all the books did everything we could to prepare and there's always going to be some things that we can't um tend to exactly so she's going through a transition

6:55 which is why we prolonged the bed as long as we could um but like you said as soon as safety came into the play you know she we had to change her yes now I can give you a real quick solution which I will at the end don't worry I will give you something to do but I first want you to understand something deeper whenever our children go through a transition be it even at 13 or 17 there

7:20 is going to be an emotional Fallout even though we have mentally and logically prepared for it you see we adults work on logic children work work on emotion it's like we are one brain and they are another completely different brain children work more from the right brain which is intuition abstraction dream feelings we work from the left brain which is you know the lb brain linear logical we are constantly talking in

7:50 language that they cannot understand because they're operating completely differently so I want you to understand that and agenda on the side of the parent will make it harder for the parent to adjust so your agenda is that she needs to sleep in her bed right yeah yeah and every night is a constant back and forth struggle isn't it yes getting her down and then staying

8:21 I mean we definitely have our nights that are great but um she comes out every night at least um every every other night we should say and she's either looking for me um she isn't currently potty training so she's also looking for the bathroom which we bring her to and then um like you said with the night tears I had her one night which was devastating for me come out and say um Mommy why did you and baby leave me

8:50 in the elevator hi like why did you leave me and so I'm now consoling her because you know that's terrible to feel that way right um so I think that she's like you said having a lot of emotions and that separation anxiety a little bit so let's reframe a night terror to something more emotional it's not just a night terror it's an fear of Abandonment and that's exactly consonant with where

9:21 she is developmentally see when our children act out we give it a label which somehow makes them feel to us that they are the problem they are having an experience that they shouldn't have and I'm here to tell you that children actually in their own abstract way are always quite attuned to what they're going through they just don't have the language to express it and we label it in a way that makes us feel that they

9:52 are wrong so they're not having a night terror because they are quote unquote crazy they are having a DE deep fear of Abandonment which comes out at night because it's unfamiliar it's dark you know they're so young they can't grapple with the shadows and what's real right and they live in a world of dream anyway so their imagination is on override so any Shadow she sees she thinks it's a monster so it's very understandable once you understand a child's brain to

10:23 understand what they're really communicating so let's go a little deeper so every every time she comes out of the bed you Amy are going through some interpretations some some belief systems in your mind oh I can't believe she's doing this or H why doesn't she so can you give us a little peek into what's going on in your mind as a reaction to when she doesn't listen to your command well actually recently because I

10:54 am pregnant and about a little bit more than halfway my husband is quicker to jump out out of bed than I am so he's been the one who's kind of been battling with it more than me um but as far as what I'm thinking during it I just I'm a little just confused like what could it be that's not keeping her in bed and why do you want to get out um we've thought a little bit about you know the potty

11:18 situation like is she not going enough during the day is that something that like you know you're going through every little detail that you could have missed to make her more comfortable at night right so your trying to figure it out and when your husband gets up and I want us to pay attention to the word you used you said he battles it out right so now look at the energy behind that word right a big strong man right for a

11:44 three-year-old any adult is a big strong person and then men are more masculine in their energy now he's going to battle you used that word I didn't yeah so he's going to battle with a three-year-old what do you think she must be experiencing when this big guy who's upset you know a little bit on the edge coming at her right so imagine what she must be feeling that's what empathy is when we put ourselves in our children's

12:12 shoes and imagine the world according to them and tell us what your husband typically does you hear him what's his tone what's his Vibe he he usually comes in Palm at first I mean if it's a rough put down beforehand he's a little bit I hear him huffing and puffing a little bit like here we go again um and usually it's a Charlotte what's up what do you need you know because she kind of meets us at the door um right we can we are we

12:42 hear it because all of a sudden the sound machine is much louder than it was um and sometimes she'll just say I have to go potty which is you know bring her to the bathroom she goes we bring her back and typically those nights she kind of just goes back and that's it but sometimes she'll say I want to go downstairs and um you know she has been we battled a lot of illness this um winter uh nothing severe

13:09 but just you know as they're in daycare uh 4 days a week so they're getting sick a lot um and when they are sick my husband tends to take them down to the couch and sleep with them so I think she's associating being with my husband downstairs on the couch well she's also associating him with the possibility for body contact and physical safety you see she's associating oh maybe I get to sleep with Daddy you know our children

13:39 need so much closeness and in this Western model of raising children we've created this idea that children should be separated from us this is a complete new modern Western invention and our original design you know I I went to visit a tribe in Africa in Tanzania it's one of the last hunter gatherer tribes in the world and I observed how they are with their children their children never leave them there are no rooms everyone

14:10 is together and there are so many mothers uh consistently present and available for children so anytime a child feels unsafe there's no question that they can just crawl into their mother's lap and the Beautiful Thing is we couldn't figure out who the mother was what that means is that there's availability of maternal energy and in this Western World we are like go to your bed we have created this idea that autonomy needs to start very early and

14:42 that is a very big mistake on our part because conversely the more you cut the cord earlier and tell our children to be autonomous separate beings before they are ready they actually become more codependent more clingy more whiny because children are supposed to be with their safe harbors with the adults in their lives especially with their mommies they are designed they came from your womb they are looking for home so

15:14 you know here we are with an agenda and our children are clearly telling us what they need from us and we're not listening right we are asking logically what do you need well she children are not logical they are emotional so as you're listening to this Amy and now you're understanding the answer to your confusion right you had confusion what does she need so rephrase back to me what you're hearing me say that your child needs so that you are never

15:42 confused again because it's quite clear so tell me what you're hearing yeah she needs emotional attachment she needs physical attachment and it all lines up I um typically so I work part-time and during the fall months I work less during um the like springtime I'm working more so she is getting less of mommy she is to the point where um we're really uh gracious my mom helps in the morning and she sees me for about 15

16:12 minutes in the morning nowadays so I can send the fact that my husband is the one that's coming to her so I know that she's looking for me which is part of the reason why we kind of defaulted over to him is when I would go it would never end it would be I want to be with Mommy and I'm not going to sleep unless mommy's there as soon as I right you know she sees my face right right so

16:38 again we are looking for it to end that is your agenda you're looking for her need for her most beautiful companion you to end she will not end by you deciding it's 3:00 in the morning it needs to end you I just want us to observe how many agendas we have as parents and we're coming down on these little beings with so much linear expectation okay it's been 30 minutes and now Mommy's going there and now you

17:09 go to sleep it doesn't work like this childhood is circular there is no end it's constant right and and what a beautiful thing she's saying to you what she's saying is I feel safe with you I need you to calm my nervous system you are my home and my Harbor you are the one who regulates me you make me complete and guess what young children till the age of six or seven are

17:40 supposed to be saying that and that's why when we grow up as adults we are chaotic we are disregulated we are seeking substances to soothe us because in the earlier years our attachment Figures were disconnecting too fast and let me remind you when you are stressed about a project at work when you are overwhelmed or overthinking something from your day doesn't that keep you up at night yes definitely so so why

18:10 shouldn't she be different she's like you know but but the most beautiful thing about children is they know they're missing something we just don't know how to decode their language to figure out what they're trying to say because we are coming from our head we are talking lot like oh her she went to the bathroom she ate enough she went to school she should be tired right we are going based on our perspective and we are just failing to attune to our

18:40 children so I'm going to give you the solution now okay it's very very simple but Western trained parents don't like this solution so let's see if you you're going to resist it okay all you need to do is get into bed with her right so at 2:00 in the morning when she wakes up you tell her as soon as she gets out oh you woke up here I am and don't even fight with her just go I understand

19:10 you're you're a little scared here's Mommy and you get into bed with her and you fall asleep that's all you need to do I mean I I will be honest um I'm a little selfish in this that if I sleep with her I will not sleep and I will be up the whole night okay and why do you have that fear um I just I'm a very light sleeper I'm very uncomfortable now um it being the

19:34 third pregnancy and okay so I'll give you another solution another variation move your other child's crib to the side put a mattress in between one child and the other child put a little scarf between her and you and put her one scarf end on her wrist and one scarf and under your pillow and tell her look we're connected look we're we're totally together you hold that and I hold this and anytime you need mommy you tug at

20:02 the scarf it's a symbol of the umbilical cord of our attachment and you're right there and you're look I'm sleeping right here in fact I would tell you except if you want to you know have some fun with your husband that should be your bed at night because you're too exhausted you have a little one who's one and a half you have another one rumbling in your tummy mommy is exhausted you are making your life harder sleep on the mattress

20:29 right there the child just needs to know that you are right there and you're going to make it guess what Mommy got a new bed she's going to put it right here and I'm going to be here till the new baby comes don't worry and then put a scarf put a chime put a whatever there's so many ways to show that connection symbolically but really it's that you are available to her and she doesn't have to leave the bed ever look you just

20:57 pull this or you ring this Bell and Mommy's right here and that's how we quote unquote train her to stay in bed every child wants to sleep beautifully the reason they don't sleep is because their emotional regulation is off is because they're so anxious and you need to start regulating her by being right there and now for the next say four weeks every time she gets up you're

21:28 going to just reach out and Pat her and go I'm right here you don't need to get up I'm right here you don't need to get up and that consistency and that soothing is just going to regulate her and you are going to get a child in six weeks or eight weeks who learns to stay glued to her bed because her needs are being met and it will take a few weeks now and don't expect it to end tomorrow

21:53 but you're going to be a better slept mother so you're going to be more rested she's going to be more soothed your husband is going to be calmer and the whole household is going to change in its energy yeah and do you feel like I'm willing to put in that work and I'm it's actually less work no it's less work yeah but just I think for me personally and like you're saying like just the Western Way of the world is just it's

22:20 it's a hard thing to now okay am I creating something else that when does it end am I taking que from her or when when does that end you have a fear that if you do this you will soon have a 25-year-old who doesn't sleep on their own of course you do because that's what we parents do we go straight into the future you know when I tell parents you know sooe your child now immediately they go well what if they're 35 and they

22:47 are in a different country and they ask me to get up and come and visit them at night I mean we we we have such irrational fears because we magnify and catastrophize the problem and talking about right here right now now what does my child need right now in our fear of the future we stop meeting the present need don't think of the future is it working right now let me ask you is I always ask parents well okay exactly so

23:17 what are we talking about is your solution working no so follow my lead meet your child's need for as long as it takes now put in the work at the front end is what I always say so you put in less work at the back end the more you meet your child's needs 0 to 7 the more free you are after they are 17 got it now that should be your goal your goal is not to create autonomy now because this

23:48 is not the age for autonomy this is the age for interdependence you're trying to cut it short we westerners are so quick we are like okay when am I going to be off the clock when is this going to end see that's our question and whenever we're looking for something to end we are not present to the moment before us you're already coming with the energy when is this going to end so surrender surrender to the child's need meet it and in a few

24:17 months you will have a better adjusted child yeah and because I hear that because I see on the nights that we do just um I don't want to call it give in but you know give to the needs of just her wanting to be with us and those are the nights that we have right but again but I love the words you're using because you're you're thinking this is a battle and you're thinking who's going to win

24:41 so whenever you quote unquote give in it's like you're losing you are winning meeting your children's needs is the most beautiful concept philosophy in the world but again and I don't know a little bit from your husband because men don't like sharing their wives at night with their children he's well yeah he needs to get with the program because okay a more rested mommy is a you know more fun loving wife so we all just need

25:10 to surrender let's call it an act of connection an act of surrender don't use the words battle and giving in because then you're going to feel like you're a bad parent and you're actually the better parent when you meet your children's needs yeah no I hear it in everything that I'm saying so I mean you're bringing a lot of things to light that have always been there but just not thought about in that particular way so

25:36 it makes a lot of sense yes so thank you so much for participating and for going along with the ride thank you so much thank you didn't you all relate to Amy's experience I certainly did I've had so many moments in my parenting Journey where I felt I was in a battle with my child I felt that if I gave in then I would be losing and what I did not realize is that I was already losing

26:08 what I was losing was my connection with my child you see when we parents get into this power struggle with our children when we fight with our threeyear olds or our 12y olds we are believing that we are educating them that we are training them that we are teaching them but I'm here to tell you that those power struggles are typically a sign of a deep and abiding disconnection between ourselves and our

26:39 children joining me next is a young woman who's currently pregnant and she has been consuming so much information on social media that it is actually crippling her joining me now is Sandy who's pregnant with a boy and she says that she doesn't want want to be a boy Mom I don't even know what that means but she's going to tell us welcome Sandy so what are you talking about what is this boy mom that you're afraid to become

27:09 when I first found out I was pregnant with a boy almost like an influx on social media Facebook Tik Tok Instagram influx of information about being a quote unquote boy mom she's a tiger she's overly involved in her h son's life she's overprotective and very much so attached and one of the things that I noticed is that there are two sides to

27:41 it there are the boy moms who are like that's my son and it's very possessive and one of my fears is I don't want to start that you know even now where I'm like my son there we go right and I think a lot of the information that's being shared has brought me to think introspectively of how can I love my son protect him raise him but

28:12 also not push that boundary line of where we're in meshed yeah great great concerns that just shows how aware you are How concerned you are and how you're really trying to show up the best way for your child I wish I was like that when I was pregnant I did not have all this information that you have but I can also see how too much information can be a little bit debilitating right in this world of Tik Tok and social media

28:40 there's so much psychological data out there that I think it can be overwhelming for a new mother like yourself too much out there don't do this and don't do that and now you're introducing me to this whole term I didn't even know about boy mom like there's a whole category called a boy mom so now you pregnant with a son you're so scared about not being that so sometimes ignorance is bliss and too much information can be debilitating so

29:08 we want to make sure that we're not overly consuming too much information out there that actually debilitates and paralyzes us we don't want to get stuck in some you know fear around how we're going to be before the journey is even started yes exactly and it's hard to filter out what is good parenting information and what's in parenting information that could potentially be paralyzing and what I'm trying to do now

29:39 is like take a step back see what will let me enjoy my journey because being a boy Mom shouldn't have a negative um Association it should be something celebrated something exciting you're going on this new journey into Parenthood the exactly gender or sex of the baby shouldn't be a source of fear of how exactly exactly you're getting ready to be a mom period it doesn't matter if it's a boy or a girl that's

30:11 too much fixation on the child's gender and how their gender expression will be you're going to be a mother and let me tell you the best thing you can do for yourself right now is of course read a few parenting books about what to expect those generic parenting books but I wouldn't if I was you overly consume too much material and information about how you're going to be in the future and instead focus on who you are right now

30:44 what your child needs from you is a mother who isn't overly anxious is a mother who is present a mother who feels confident in herself so if you're reading all this data that is actually paralyzing you and crippling you making you feel less than a good mother that's going to actually show up in your parenting and your child is going to pick up on that so let's throw out all those parenting books right now because let me tell you no matter how much you

31:16 prepare for this journey it is ultimately the most unpredictable journey of your life the best preparation is to realize you can never be prepared the best preparation for motherhood is to realize that you need to be in the present moment so all this future planning all this anxiety is robbing you of these last few months you have to be with Sandy to be with yourself and to really settle into this

31:49 idea that you're birthing a new human being guess who you're birthing first you your own mothering energy your own motherhood so let's focus on that instead of thinking about being a boy mom or how you're going to be with that child or what your child is going to do let's focus on Sandy and your present moment awareness of yourself and use these next few months to really love who you are right now because you are going

32:21 to change the most no one is going to change more than Sandy and I often tell new mothers are you ready to embrace the death of your old self and a connection to a brand new you you know that's what's going to happen in your parenting that you have to connect to a new you and when you connect to a new you that's what's going to allow you to connect to your son not some idea of how it should

32:50 be or what it could be like I actually have not thought about it in that perspective as yet I think in the preparation of do we have the crib the bedside bassinet all of these material items I absolutely did not think of the perspective of going into this new journey in life as myself I thought of the baby that's coming along the way I've thought about my partner I've

33:21 thought about setting up a lot of the logistical aspects going into motherhood without actually preparing for myself emotionally oh my goodness and that's the key to Parenthood and you just hit the nail on its head we are always thinking about the logistics you know the bed and the bassinet or where the child will sleep or what they will eat and we're really good at doing all that stuff I mean many of us are not all of

33:52 us but we completely forget that what your children need the most especially from us mothers is our ability to connect to them to show up with energy with enthusiasm with calm with confidence that's what we need to be preparing for right now you know I teach young parents and I have so many courses about how to reclaim your inner

34:22 connection as a parent because that's what is going to show up in your relationship with you your child if you're not calm if you're disregulated if you're anxious and Sleepless and agitated and feeling like you're unworthy as a human being that's going to show up in your parenting you're going to be hesitant you're going to be confused you're not going to be confident and that Vibe is what your child is going to absorb very early on

34:50 so throughout all the extra books and just instead focus on meditation entering your Pres moment how do I regulate my emotions how do I leave my head and enter my heart how do I show up for Sandy with the utmost care and compassion because the more caring connected and compassionate you are to yourself and this is for every parent listening if we're not present to ourselves if we're not loving to

35:21 ourselves easy with ourselves we will show up with our children with that same disconnect with that same criticism that judgment that that agitation so these next few months are your last few months with Sandy as we know her and then a whole new being is going to be born the mother first the mother is born and then the child is born so are we taking care of the mother and the more we take care of the mother then the child naturally

35:54 blossoms from that nurturing of of her garden when her garden is blooming the Child's Garden is blossoming so it's so interconnected but I would really advise you to stay away from all these Tik Tok videos and social media videos because they're designed to make you feel like you're not doing enough or makes you scared of all the things you could do which didn't even cross your mind until you saw those videos and I think also

36:25 with social media it's very heavily anecdotal and at times because there's such an influx of information at any point in time even if it's anecdotal you're scrolling through and you're like oh my gosh this could possibly be me even though it's the furthest thing from your own personality exactly exactly so it creates this sense of insecurity and comparison right you're scrolling through these parenting Pages perhaps

36:56 and you're listening to one parent talking about homeschooling and you're thinking oh maybe I can do that then you're looking at another video of a mother teaching her child how to crochet and you're like oh I better learn how to crochet then and then another video is about mountaineering with your child you know in Tanzania and you're like oh let's go to Africa this is insanity and this is the insanity of modern parenting of the modern world and so it's really

37:24 important for every parent out there not just you you to realize that we have to get off this constant hamster wheel of social media because it is designed to be anecdotal like you said and these little bits and pieces of other people's lives have nothing to do with our life but they rob us of our peace and Sanity in the present moment so it's happening to you and your child isn't even born your child isn't even born and you're

37:55 already insecure about who you maybe in the future do you see the best approach to Parenting is really what I teach is the conscious parenting approach which is Moment by moment am I present am I showing up for the being in front of me and the being that I am with full awareness with present moment presence and I I attuning to both of us myself and my child in the most authentic connected and empowering way that is

38:27 your only focus and if you do that then all the rest you know will he talk will he sleep will he be a baseball player where will he go to college all that gets sorted out but the basic needs of a connection with you first needs to be met and just keep your focus there but again that comes from your connection to yourself yeah that's actually something that I'm trying to be very conscious and cognizant about especially as the days

38:58 start to narrow down before his arrival where building my connection with myself will help me build a stronger connection with him exactly balance exactly exactly so get off social media that's the best advice I can give all of us because it just creates this deep sense of not good enoughness I need to be doing more you know I need to become a different kind of human being and live in a different country on a different planet no that is

39:27 just going to crowd your head and divorce you from the present moment you have so much to look forward to you are going to be birthing a whole new you and that's what you need to begin to welcome before you even think about your future child be ready to embrace the new you thank you so much for joining us you've been an amazing guest I'm so excited for you for your new Journey thank you so much for having me this is wonderful the

39:56 most successful parent in my opinion is a parent who can show up fully present empowered joyful connected and authentic with their children and that takes inner work and that's what I teach in conscious parenting when we raise ourselves then we show up for our children in exactly the ways they need fully attuned fully connected fully present thank you for for joining me on

40:28 this episode if you liked what you heard don't forget to subscribe and share it and I will see you on the next episode of parenting and you with me Dr shaali parenting and you with Dr shaali is for educational and informational purposes only it is not intended as a substitute for professional medical psychological psychotherapeutic coaching health care or other qualified professional advice diag nosis or treatment