Sibling Solutions

0:00 hi everyone welcome welcome to my talk on sibling solutions amigo move on dia and I'm an instructor with hand in hand parenting hand in hand parenting is a not-for-profit based out of Palo Alto California and we believe in providing parents connection and support so that they're able to support their children I am a parent of two little girls age 8 and 11 and besar of Mumbai India my

0:31 journey with hand-in-hand parenting actually started with looking for solutions for their sibling rivalry it just seemed to take over my household and felt like nothing I was doing was working with them I hope over this next half an hour and able to provide you some concrete suggestions and tools that you can use in your house to help the situation I'd like to start off by talking a little bit about how the

1:01 children sense of connection is fragile a small thing like getting on a phone call or going to cook dinner can be enough to break their sense of connection if they see one child one sibling playing with a toy they want that toy and that does not mean that they're not able to share it actually means they need connection think about the sense of connection like a radar like like a Wi-Fi radar looking for a

1:32 signal and as it's going on looking for signal it's blinking it's blinking it's blinking and the moment there's a sense of connection and it turns green they're happy and they want to get alone those moments you see them playing together that's when the connection is green so how do we help them how do we get the sense of connection to work with each other I'm going to share with you two tools to talk about the scent that

1:59 helped promote the sense of connection in the family after that I'm going to talk to you a little bit about a policy that can work really well in your house and address some questions that you may have please feel free to post any comments and I will try to get to your questions as well I have some questions which users have which people have sent to me before and I I'll talk about those the first tool I would like to share with you is

2:29 special time special time is a wonderful tool and once you start introducing it to your children I promise you they're going to keep asking for it again and again the first rule - special time is it cannot be used as a reward it is a gift that you give freely and there are no back presents in it when you offer special time you need to be in a position where you're able to give them that time and connection and give them

2:58 special time do not give them special time if you're busy if you're multitasking or if you're just exhausted in special time we would like you to use a timer set up a timer for 5 minutes 10 minutes 15 minutes try to keep it within that time because trust me you need the time afterwards give your child one-on-one time undivided attention where you are not trying to manage both

3:31 your children together or 3 children when you are doing special time with one child the way I like to use this as I tell my children unlike a horse with blinkers on I can see nobody but you when I'm doing special time with you this seems to play off really well on their sibling rivalry often one child uses her type words buildings her time with me during special time to show the other sibling what fun she's having with

4:01 him the other one tries to disrupt the same special time while we're going on because I have blinkers on I am not paying attention to any of the disruptions the other child is causing except if there's an emergency and blood comes into the picture then I have to post special time and address to my child's emergency needs but safety aside during special time there is nothing that can come in the way of one child enemy there was this one time when

4:32 during the entire special time my younger one gets staring at her older sister while she was doing special time with me it was almost like you see I'm having so much fun and my older one kept talking about how that wasn't fair and this is not okay but I gave her all my attention when the timer went off I took a 15-minute break always hold a buffer between two children you are providing special time too because you're going to need the break

5:02 for yourself and sometimes if big feelings come up for your child you need that buffer to be able to address those big feelings before you move on to your second child after those with that 15-minute break when I went on to my other one she kept looking at her younger sister to say see now we're having so much fun so it almost became a competition between each other about who is going to do more exciting things with

5:29 mom during special time the end solution they're both getting connection they're both getting time with mom one-on-one as soon as I finished special time with both of them both their issues were forgot another dress and they went along and played with each other first they started playing with a game that I had played with my older one because that was a special tent that just got over and then they moved on to a game that they would play I was playing with my

5:55 younger one because there was something in it that my mother once found intriguing special time does not have to be done with both siblings on the same day I keep saying both because that's the default for me and my children but this works really well whether you have three children four children how many ever children but I repeat special times should never be done with two children together that moves on to another team called playlist thing which I'm not

6:24 going to address here today but that's just about fun and laughter where you could be you could be all members of the family while playing play listening the next tool I would like to share with you is stay Leslie if you remember I talked about that 15-minute buffer to address some big feelings that truly might wind up stay listening is one way we address that we use Taylor's thing when children are crying they're upset they're being

6:56 oppressive there being a withdrawn or they are fighting over something we walk in we hold we walking we address the child's feeling big feelings by saying I'm so sorry you feel like this I'm here for you we provide connection we provide empathy but we do not provide solutions we do not tell them how this can be better we believe our acknowledging their feelings

7:26 our empathy is all they need for them to start feeling that sense of connection to repair their sense of connection to become that to make that signal green so that they're able to figure it out for themselves instead listening some some anecdotes that I would like to share some experiences of my own with stay listening with my children are when there was this one time when they were fighting fighting like crazy over who

7:57 gets to play the piano fast over whose piano it is it is a family's piano I really cannot afford paying money or space to hold two pianos in my house my younger one is the one who's learning the piano as an instrument my older one is learning the cello and at that moment they both wanted to play the piano together I chose that time to provide stay listening first to my older one because since this was homework for my

8:28 younger one she needed to practice her piece I needed her to play with it at that time I took my older one aside and I said I'm so sorry of feeling nervous I'm right here for you and she started crying and kicking at me and pushing me away I want to play the piano and you never let me be the piano and this is not her piano and you said it's a piano and I want to bleed and I

8:52 want to play it right now she only wants to play the piano when I want to play the p.m. there were a lot of solutions going through in my mind said hey you know what you have cello homework you can play on your cello right now and when she's done with her practice you can go back to her but instead I just said I'm so sorry you're feeling like this I know I know you want to play the piano and I'm right here for

9:15 you I'm right here I'm with you well I know you wanna play the piano and like a broken record I just kept repeating that again and again and again and I didn't say it with disinterest like yeah you want to play the piano I know I said it with extreme understanding because here she did want to play the piano right but unfortunately only one of them could play the piano at that point of time as I kept telling her that again and again

9:44 it moved from being about the piano to being about that time when she used something of course when when my younger one used something of my older ones and she didn't like it and I wasn't there to intervene directly and I said I'm so sorry I'm so sorry I wasn't home when you when that happened and right here for you right now and as the story kept moving it moved into school it moved into an issue she was having with her friend in

10:14 school and how the teacher took the friend side and ultimately it just finished it just finished and she said okay can you read a book with me I said oh sure I'm right here and I can read a book with you and that's the power of stainless Lee when my younger one finished her piano and moved into it my older one got it my younger one brought out her feelings and she said you don't allow me to use the cello so why should

10:43 she be allowed to use the piano and at that point I didn't want to tell her sweetheart you're not able to use the cello properly you need to learn how to play on the cello it's a fragile instrument and the tuning goes off very quickly that was not the time for me to address that I just told him oh I'm so sorry of I'm here for you again the story is moved from moment to moment from issue

11:10 to issue but because she'd already had the piano she had looked much much much less to release during stay listening and we were able to move on to a game of Clue very quickly as a policy at Hannon Han we believe in helping your child wait we do not say that let's let's set a timer for children when they're playing with something if they want to play with the

11:40 same toy we take the other child and we wait with them in our waiting we are promoting two values the first one being life is not fair it's not necessary that every time in life there is going to be a timer available and you will get a fair amount of time to play with the same toy the second value we are promoting over here is by saying let the other one enjoy to their fullest and

12:12 when you can go and address it you cannot you can enjoy it to your fullest but what we are really doing beyond all of these is addressing the need for connection we believe when they're fighting for that yellow bucket it's really not about that bucket when my children were fighting about the piano it really was not about the piano it was about so much more other than the piano it was them telling me and letting me know that there's a

12:43 fragile sense of connection had broken right then and they needed me to help make it green to help make it connected again by taking them one at a time and providing them stay listening I was able to do that it is sometimes when they're fighting with each other I'm getting aggressive with each other you might need to bring in someone else to help you out it could be another parent it

13:15 could be someone else to help it could even be an iPad or a television choose one child who seems to have a more urgent need of connection and provide them the support try to make sure that your your constantly rotating amongst children they shouldn't feel that one child is always getting that first sense of connection that was a little bit about Sabine solutions from my side please feel free to ask any

13:48 questions that you have and I will try to address them you can type them in the comment section below I'm going to address a few questions that parents have already written into me before that they would like me to talk about you so one parent asked when both children are aggressive and hitting each other and I intervene they start to hit me how do I handle that solution yes that's really difficult you came in to help them and

14:19 now they have turned their attack on to you how do you intervene when children are being aggressive they are they have lost that sense of connection so the first thing I need to do at that point is come in and connect help them with that sense of connection I will take one child if one child has been hurt more badly I will pick that child first if it is the one who is being aggressive is looking like they're really lost and

14:49 this is this is almost the last resort of asking for help they bet this complete tango and it's almost like there's a red mist in front of their eyes and they can't see anything then I will address them first instead of addressing the child who has been hit it's not always a straightforward answer I will take the child out of that situation I will take them into the room if my into a separate room so that I'm

15:18 able to provide them that sense of connection I will hold their hand sometimes having pillows can be handy if they are being aggressive and they wanted it you protect yourself bad yourself with lots of pillows if you have to all their hands give them eye contact and say I'm so sorry you're feeling like this I'm right here do not do not at that point see how could you hit your sibling it's not okay how could you hit me what sort

15:46 of values are these and this is not okay and I'm going to show you a lesson and let me you need to go in for a timeout know at that point what I'm going to do is and so sorry you're feeling like this I'm right here for you but I can't let you hit me and yo for me but I can't let you hit and as you keep repeating that again and again you've protected yourself so you are not letting them hit

16:12 you you preempt though the Blues you preamp their ability to go to you you step in control and don't let them hit you at that point and as you're doing that you're pouring them in with love and connection the love and connection you're pouring in starts filling up that void that void which is that sense of disconnection which is exactly what they need to make it green again that connection side it becomes green again and you will see that that aggressive

16:44 child is not aggressive in it can take some time it can take a few tones before it starts happening faster and faster if you notice a parent with us a cattle between your two children that they're often getting aggressive and it's typically one child getting aggressive with the other or they're taking turns with each other start to preempt those moments is there a time of the day when this is happening yay can I provide them special time to preempt this break in

17:17 connection what can I do to buffer this sense of disconnection for me often when I need to go out in the evenings that's when the sense of connection is fragile actually it's most fragile when I am NOT home when they come home from school the moment they walk home and they don't see me available for them they are going to start fighting and I'm going to get calls from at that point what I have tried to do

17:49 what works well for me is number one of course try to be there for them even if it is just for 15 minutes before they come home at times when I'm not able to be them I call them before they call me to ask them how they are feeling and talk to them individually when this is not possible also I ask them to go into separate rooms I I tell my nanny to let them watch the television or let them use the

18:17 iPad not because that is a solution for me but that is some because I am not there to prevent this breakdown because I am not there to repair the sense of collateral connection I'm using it as a buffer to stop things from getting worse please understand iPads and televisions are not a solution they are my last resort for when things are not working out another question

18:49 that people have asked is when the older one wants to be mom I often face this that this parent asked that I have two daughters the older daughter who is 7 is extremely protective of a younger sister who is 4 so much so that she doesn't let me deal with her sister without intervention how do I deal with this so my daughter's I 11 and 10 innate and

19:19 often it's my 10 year old was telling my 8 year old what the rules are whenever I'm not around or many times even when I am around she starts to tell me that this is how you do things at that point I I need to step in and remind my older one sweetie I know I know you want I know you love your sister so much I'm the mommy and I just bring in that limit without getting

19:48 into explanations or reasons and stay with that when my younger one comes and tells me that she's telling me what to do all the time and I don't like it and I don't want to listen to Warren it's not fair I tell him I know and you don't have to listen to him all the time and I'm you and I'm here to help you so stay listening again for both of their big feelings to come out you will also notice there are times

20:17 when the younger ones very happy to listen to the Ottawa and that dynamic is what is helping them get along and that's happening because that sense of connection is free because they're getting along because things are going well for both of them another question a parent has asked me how do I get them to bond how can a parent help the kids born

20:49 when they have no common interest and I don't want to use a stereotypical when there is a boy or a girl or when there are two boys and one is quiet and one is outgoing this can happen in all combinations of children this is not necessarily a personality type this this is just two people and how do you make them get along when they don't have any common interests we repeat at this point your job is not to get the children to

21:23 get along your job as a parent as the glue holding the family together is to give each of them the connection they need as you feed them with this sense of connection as you pour them with this love and affection individually the bonding will come there are parents who come to me saying I had a second child so that my fourth child could have company that is too much pressure on a

21:54 child who cannot even speak yet we need to understand that the decision to have two children three children or even one child is based on my mind my planning of what a family looks like what siblings look like if I want to have two children I have two children if I want to have three children I have three children I cannot put that responsibility onto my firstborn that

22:25 for you I had another child because what is the responsibility I'm putting onto the second child and it's not fair because many dams is I never asked you to have an oil have another child my older one so many dance comes up to me and says I don't I I just want to spend time with you alone I want to go back to those days when my younger one wasn't around she was - she was - when the

22:50 younger one came in I know when she's saying that to me she doesn't really know what she's talking about sure she has certain memories but they're very very dim right now this is her just pushing against that feeling of disconnection and asking me to connect with her I often take take my children out on dates and my husband does the same thing and we always do it one-on-one he takes one I take the other on a date and they love getting mom time

23:22 or that time to themselves pouring us with that sense of connection when they come back together after that little bit of comparison and rivalry is out of the way they're happy to bond they're happy to go and bake cookies with each other they're happy to compromise and watch the same television show with each other they're happy to share their clothes trust me they happy to share their clothes with each other which doesn't happen often so as soon as we provide

23:52 children that sense of connection that radar they're happy to get along if you would like some more help and support with from me you can call on the number on the screen or email me on talks at tree of dot o-r-g am based out of Mumbai India and I'd love to help help you connect thank you so much for joining me on this Facebook