# Don't Get Mad, Get Curious: How to Set Limits Without Yelling **Creator:** Hand in Hand Parenting **Platform:** youtube **Duration:** 6m **Source:** https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Anya-Rt28No ## Summary Yasmin Mahi discusses the complexities of parenting, emphasizing the importance of setting limits with warmth and love rather than through punishment. She shares a personal experience with her daughter to illustrate how offering emotional support can help children express their feelings and resolve underlying issues. - Parenting can be a mix of highs and lows, requiring emotional resilience. - Setting limits is essential when children exhibit offtrack behavior, but it should be done with warmth and love. - Yelling or punishing can hinder communication; instead, approach children with understanding. - Emotional expression from children often stems from deeper issues that need to be addressed. - Parents should also manage their emotions and seek support from adult listeners to maintain their well-being. - A cycle of setting limits, listening to children, and offloading parental emotions is crucial for effective parenting. - Building a supportive environment fosters open communication and emotional safety for children. ## Transcript [[0:00]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Anya-Rt28No&t=0s) Hello, this is Yasmin Mahi. I'm a professor in the faculty of dentistry and handin-hand parenting instructor. Well, parenting is a roller coaster. Sometimes you feel like you are on top of the world, managing everything easily. Your children are sweet and everything's going okay. And sometimes you feel like you are having a nervous breakdown. Well, this is a parenting. Well, sometimes you need to set limits with your children when they go off track. I remember one time when I was overwhelmed in the kitchen, I had guests at my home and I needed help from my teenage daughter. So, I called her for help. And just like that, she went, "I'm not the only person here. Why is it always me? Why do I have to help? And she just went away. [[1:00]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Anya-Rt28No&t=60s) So I was just surprised by what she said. I mean nothing happened. Everything was okay. So before I was introduced to hand in hand, I would have yelled and shouted at her and you know and it would go very complicated afterwards. But uh after I was introduced to and learned uh handin-hand tools, I knew exactly what should I do this moment. [[1:36]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Anya-Rt28No&t=96s) So, I went after her at her room and I told her, "Uh, dear, well, this wasn't an acceptable way to speak with me, but I know that there is something upsetting you that I don't know. So, please tell me what's upsetting you. I'm listening." So when she saw me that I'm offering warmth and I'm offering love behind what I'm saying, she started to cry. I mean she cried a lot and with continuously offering warmth and I'm here for you, what's wrong? Um she said that she had a problem with her friends. [[2:28]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Anya-Rt28No&t=148s) Well, this problem was obscured by the offtrack behavior. So, when I offered warmth and love uh while I was setting limits, she started to feel safe to show me the emotions. But if you yell, she will be frightened and she will not show you anything. So I set limits and I clearly told her that it's not acceptable to speak that way but with lots of love. [[3:02]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Anya-Rt28No&t=182s) This is the message that is behind the setting limits with warmth. I love you even when you make mistakes. Well, setting limits is not about punishment. It's not about sending your child away. It's not about yelling or shouting at your child. Setting limits is that you stop the offtrack behavior. You stop the yelling, you stop the kicking, you stop the heat, and you you protect yourself, but you offer warmth. [[3:36]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Anya-Rt28No&t=216s) You offer love with that. That is how your child feels safe to show you what's inside. To show you what is going on, to show you what emotions and what things he is going through because sometimes he is not expressive enough. He cannot express what he's going through, what he's feeling. So offering warmth plus setting limits, do that. [[4:08]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Anya-Rt28No&t=248s) So you say the limit, you bring the limit, then you listen. You do lots of listening to bring the emotions out. But setting limits is not always easy. Uh offering warmth and love like that is not always easy. Well, what you need to do is that when you are having a hard time yourself, you need to offload those emotions too. But you do that with an adult listener. A listener that he will not judge you. A listener that will give you all the support he can. So you need to offload your emotions. You need to say what's bothering you yourself so that you can continue your parenting journey. So that you can offer love, you can offer warmth to your children. So this is a complete cycle because you cannot always control your temper. you you will not be always easygoing. You cannot always receive the yelling and the offtrack behavior from your children and just act warmly and just act cool. This is not the way uh it goes. So you need yourself a supporter. [[5:43]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Anya-Rt28No&t=343s) So you go to an adult listening partner. You offload your emotions. You say everything you need to say so that you feel light again. You feel the the support. You feel the love and you go to your child so that you can listen to him again. So setting limits, listening partnership, listening to your children and finding someone who can listen to you yourself. It's a complete cycle that you can live with. Thank you very much for watching this.