Blended Families: Becoming One Happy Family

0:01 Hey everyone, welcome to a new episode of parenting and you with me Dr. Shafali. What do you do when you and your partner are just not on the same page? How do you deal with your conflicts? How do you deal with your parenting? When we are parenting our children and if you're parenting a blended family, for example, then it becomes even more complex. But how do you handle the differences that show up in your parenting? I cannot tell you how many couples come to me with different parenting strategies and they really go at it with each other and this inevitably leads to the couple feeling more and more disconnected and many times couples come to me on the brink of divorce because they simply cannot be on the same page especially when it comes to their parenting. So if you've ever struggled with issues like this then this episode is the one for you.

0:58 Joining me now are Megan and Steve. They want help parenting their blended family of four children. Hello, Megan and Steve. How are you? Welcome. Good. Thank you, Dr. Shioal. Hey, Dr. Shvali. So nice to see you. Thank you. So, I believe you have four children. Two of them are yours, Megan, and two of yours, Steve. And they're all in the range of 11 and 13. All in that range? Yeah. Yes. Okay, great. You all have been together for 6 years now. Yes, that's right.

1:28 Okay. So, what are your challenges? How can I help you? Megan, why don't you go first? Okay. Thank you so much, Dr. Shafali, for having us and the time. So, we'll just dive right in. We started our ideal family, blended family. Everybody's happy. Steve and I were parenting together. You know, we were both of us parenting all the kids and disciplining and everything. And then slowly, you know, there was a lot of problems that started to arise, behavioral issues. So, we ended up sort of separating and then I would parent just my biological children and discipline just my biological children.

2:09 And then Steve would do the same. So now it seems like we have two completely separate parenting ideas going on in the same household and they might be completely different. So we have two very separate parenting strategies occurring at the same time in the same house. Yeah, that that's definitely challenging. So, do your children look to you both as their parents or do they say this is my parent and you're not my parent or does that happen? That happens. Okay. Okay. And Steve, let me hear from you. What is the top concern you have? I think Meg did a pretty good job of announcing it or sharing that. Initially we had this I guess a fairy tale where we tried really hard and it seemed okay at first when we thought the success was that we were on the same page or doing the same thing but it turns out that as we were doing that we were making small compromises internally and at some point it broke where we said okay you know what I can't do it that way cuz I don't agree and it's not that I want you to do it my way I just need to parent my children in a certain way and personally I feel like it's working better now because the issues are upfront and it's there instead of hidden and instead of pretending like the goal is to parent in one way. I think the problem that I'm running into like I don't mind the two systems. I think more now is that we get into arguments about why we do it a certain way perhaps or just the feeling of like maybe being judged about parenting a certain way. So, do you feel judged, Steve, that you're parenting in a way that Megan doesn't like?

3:50 Sometimes. Yeah. Do you feel judged, Megan? Yes. Sometimes, not all the time. Yeah. Okay. So, what impact is this having on the children in the house in real time? So, I know that sometimes I get feedback that my children don't think that the rules are fair or they're, you know, certain kids are getting certain privileges that it's not equal. And Steve, what about your kids? What do they say? I think there's a lot of misunderstanding or misplaced anger or resentment against Megan. And that hurts, right? to have my children say mean things about Megan where I feel like they just don't understand and perhaps the other way as well that Megan isn't quite understanding where my kids are coming from when they misbehave. So very challenging for me. Yeah. Well, I'm sure this has caused a lot a lot of strife between the two of you as a couple and a distance. I feel like most of our fights are probably around parenting. Yeah. I think it's actually taken us our relationship to the brink, you know. Yeah. I think this pathway you'll have chosen to parent your kids separately and her kids separately, I think will inevitably lead to the brink of disaster. So, it's not that you both need to be exactly the same, but it is that you need to both kind of agree in in the main about what your approach is.

5:20 And it is good that Megan takes the lead with her kids and you take the lead with your kids perhaps, but it isn't good that you'll act like you know what these kids are your business and these kids are my business. That approach is going to create a huge rift and it has and it creates disrespect for the other parent in those children because the parents are creating that distrust themselves. Right? So Steve, you're unconsciously communicating to your kids, you know what, Megan's way is not correct. So now if Megan tries to intervene, your kids are not going to give her the authority and vice versa. So this approach is definitely something that you will need to drastically alter right away. Yes, Megan again can take the lead with her kids and you can take the lead with your kids, but it can never be that these kids are not my charge. If you tell Steve, Steve, you are not allowed to talk to my kids and you are not allowed to deal with them and it's only me, that is very toxic and disempowering. And Steve, if you tell Megan, these are my kids, let me handle them my way and don't give her any authority in your kids' lives, that is extremely toxic. So we can't even really talk about anything about the real details until you both change your attitude toward your children. You two need to be a team. You both need to kind of come to a middle ground and you all cannot communicate to the children that the other parent is not equally in charge of them as you are because then kids pick up on that and they will drive a wedge between the two of you and it's not them, it's really you guys doing it to yourselves. Mhm. So if you have this attitude, these are my kids, that attitude is the wrong thing.

7:10 It's yes, they are my biological children. I can definitely be the one to communicate with them more, but all children are our children. We have to look at this as a unit. And I think that you two are not solid enough as a couple right now to do that. I think you both have allowed a lot of hurt and resentment. And I can see it in your body language. I can see it in the way you all are talking to each other. Y'all are pretty disconnected. So maybe I'm saying something completely wrong.

7:39 Megan, why don't you tell me what resonates in what I've said? Actually, you've completely analyzed and diagnosed exactly what's going on. And I think I'm just absorbing it and going, "Oh my gosh, okay, this is not great what we have to do." And now we need to rebuild it sounds like the way that we handle issues and triumphs too. Yeah. I think you are both in fear and distrust of each other. So what does this really mean? And that's why your children are picking up on it. It means that you all don't trust each other's styles. Y'all are not on the same page. Y'all are not intellectually, cognitively, emotionally, psychologically attuned.

8:24 And that is a problem. It's a problem whether these were your biological children or not. This can happen in a household with five biological children. It doesn't matter. Y'all are communicating distrust toward each other and a lack of respect and that is going to seep down. It doesn't matter that the fact is that you really don't have biological children together. Even if you had biological children together, this approach is horribly toxic. Add to that the fact that you don't have biological children together. Now your children are like going to feel why should I listen to the other parent at all and you all have engendered this?

8:59 You all have created this and I'm sure you both on some level feel very disrespected by the other person very hurt by the other person very excluded by the other person at least one more than the other. That's exactly how I feel and I've experienced the disrespect and I'm sure that Steve you have too. Have you? I don't know about that. I think the hard thing that I have Dr. is that when we disagree on something where it's like no we can't come to a compromise I say you know what I'll handle my kids right I'm not thinking about a particular issue in like specifically but just in general when we come to a situation where I'm like this is how I see it and me will say this is how I see it we can't find a compromise I say you know what in this case I'm just going to go with my way for now and I think that is how I'm creating this riff it sounds but how do I navigate that well you can If it's an emergency situation, you know, for right now, I'm going to go ahead with my way and the other partner can say, "Okay, I'm going to support you and back you up, but eventually you're going to have to resolve it because then resentment builds, right? So, what would you do if these were all your kids, Steve? You'd have to find a way, right? You'd have to find a compromise." So, I think you're taking the easy way out by pulling that card that these are my kids. These are my kids. And it is extremely toxic.

10:22 Right. In my first relationship, I let my former spouse make all the calls. And I felt maybe there was a bit of resentment there. And maybe I've gone too far the other way where I'm like, "No, I'm making the calls now." Yeah. But now you're creating resentment again in another way. Now you're the cause of the resentment. You didn't like it when your partner used to do that to you, right? You felt excluded. You felt disempowered. You felt disrespected. So now you're doing it to Megan, right? If that's what you're doing, then she's feeling disrespected, disempowered, and resentful like because she wants to be part of your life. She wants to be part of this unit. Especially a woman feels very I know I'm projecting here, so don't mind me. We want to mother. We want to take care of the partner's child. So, the fact that you're excluding her from that, I'm sure, is very painful. And if she's doing that, that's painful to you. that is very much a part of you know I'm a very affectionate person as well but one thing a little extra complication to this is because we have former spouses and some complications I can see how careful you are about your words about former spouses okay I understand it's not easy it's a difficult situation and one or both of your spouses are very difficult now go ahead okay thank you So there's a loyalty to the mother, you know, the biological mother. Yes. And then on top of that, there's a I've stumbled upon this term, the electric complex. Steve's daughter and I competing for his attention or if one person wants one thing and the other person wants the other thing, then you know, who's he going to choose, right? Yeah. And that's why you have to work extra hard to build that connection with her. You can't do it if Steve is undercutting that, right?

12:15 I think the four of you need to go to a family session or two or three or four and and fix this. Otherwise, your relationship will not be harmonious, will be under a lot of tension. Teenagers anyway are so incredibly stressful, even if they were all your biological children. The fact that yall don't see eye to eye in parenting, which is very common, is also stressful. Now add to that all these other complications. Your relationship will suffer if it hasn't already to a tremendously unreturnable place. So I'm just giving you a caution to not let this fester. This approach is not the right approach. So Steve, if you want to know whether this is working, this pulling this card is very hurtful, very disenfranchising to the woman, to the mother. It's very disrespectful to her and you're stripping her from her heart.

13:08 she wants to love these children and you're actually creating your own misery without realizing and I think you hit the nail on the head, Steve. And that was very insightful of you. I think it was your past trauma that you bought into this relationship and you became extra possessive of your children because you lost that in your last relationship, but you inadvertently took it out on Megan. She's an amazing person. She wants to be part of your life. And now you have this big abyss between the two of you. It sounds like I need to figure out how to still parent in a way that I believe is right without saying like, "Oh, no, you're not getting it. I'm just going to do it." Yeah. I think you go into a panic. I think you go into a territoriality because of your last relationship and you look at it as a us against them attitude, me against you. And I need you to maybe realize that Megan is on your team, right? That she wants to help. She wants to find a middle ground. But I think you take it like you get very territorial, very possessive, very militant, and you say, "That's my kid." Because you're coming from fear. Intellectually, I know she's on my team, but sometimes it doesn't feel like it when she's trying to do it in a way that I don't agree with or I don't feel comfortable with. You know, it's in those moments that I'm like, "This is the way I want it done." And if I feel a challenge to it's like nope this is my territory right I can give an example that kind of illustrates yes go ahead we have these chores there's a rotating schedule and I parent that the kids have to have made a reasonable effort on the chore prior to having dessert so this kind of break and then we after dinner and then we do the chores and my biological kids they just do it now nobody's even thinking about it it's no big deal. Whereas Steve's kids will often Oh, so they don't need to complete the chore to have dessert.

15:07 They can just come and have dessert and they may or may not do their chore and there's sort of this period throughout the whole evening of like are they going to do it? Are they not going to do it? They keep getting reminded, you know, and it's just very stressful. So that's one thing. And if I'm correct, you don't want to tie dessert to doing the chore. So, I'm not saying my way is the right way. There might be like a compromise that blends the two that we have to find. But that's an example where it's almost like a daily illustration of our differences. Okay, Megan, Steve, we're just going to take a quick break, but we're going to be right back.

15:48 So, we're back with Megan and Steve, and we're going to talk about how they can cope better with their blended family. Honestly, this would have been such an easy one to just compromise on, but both of you are headstrong. I think if her kids are already doing it, this was a good system, right? I agree with Steve that why are we tying dessert with chores? So, I agree with you philosophically, but it wasn't such a big deal. Like if she's gotten her kids to do this, this was a good thing for your kids to get on board with, right?

16:20 If you had gotten on board with it, it may have worked. And it was six years ago that you could have started this and they would have just learned the routine. It wasn't so terrible to let them do chores before dessert. But this is what I'm trying to show you. These were easy wins and you all created a problem around it. Like this was a good thing to teach your kids to do the chores. I agree. Philosophically, you don't have to tie it to the dessert, but like she said, just get them to do their chores, period. Don't tie it to dessert, but do your chores. So, say Steve's way was, you know what, I don't want my kids to tie it to dessert. No problem. But Steve, are your kids doing their chores anyway? Sometimes they are, and sometimes they don't, right? You know, it's part of the learning process. You know, but I want to build a different pathway towards chores and ultimately responsibilities. You know, I just think that tying anything to like a reward system with especially rewarding with junk food isn't something I want to do.

17:17 Yeah, I agree with you philosophically. So, the good thing about her approach is she's getting them to do the chores. The good thing about your approach is that we don't want to tie it to junk food. But this is what I mean. The two of you could have come together on this really easily rather than split apart. So these are things that you need to work on in couples coaching or deeper because these are issues that you guys are falling apart on when you all could actually beautifully come together. So this is an example where each of you could have said to the other one, I see the positive. I see your positive. Can we try this? And Megan could have said, she just said it could have been a compromise. And because both of you are right in your own ways. She got 50% of it correct. You got 50% of it correct.

18:06 Now, if you put it together, you would both be a powerhouse, right? So, this was a great example. Give me one more example and I'll show you again how you could have come together rather than go apart. It might not be the best, but okay. So, we have this nightly walk and sometimes people don't want to go into the Vancouver rain when it's dark and dreary out. And so sometimes there's people, I won't name names, who just take forever to get ready or who like are kind of refusing to go. So that's an issue where I've with my biological kids, there's no compromise. They will be going on that walk regardless of what excuses they put up. But Steve has a different strategy. Well, I don't like it when I nag. I definitely don't want to get physical. And not that I can cuz they're 11. I can't pick them up and move them like when they were four. So I basically tell them my expectation and they don't do it. And then I just wait and maybe it means we don't go on a walk. Maybe it means I take them out on a walk later. I believe in the walk. I make it clear, but I don't force it. I don't nag it. And so what happens is that Megan will sometimes say like, "Oh, you're letting them get away with it or they're breaking the family culture." Of course, that triggers me because that I don't want them to do that. I don't want to do that. And then also when my daughter's ready and I take her on a walk, she's like, "Oh, she's manipulating you to get one-on-one time." And that triggers me in some way.

19:35 So, it's hard. I don't know what to do. Okay. So, again, such a simple solution. If you all were biological children and one child doesn't want to go on a walk, I agree with Steve on this one. They shouldn't be pushed. But on the other hand, the whole family doesn't have to stop either because she's 11. She can stay at home if you don't want to leave her alone. One parent can stay behind, but the rest of you can still go. But let's not make it a bigger deal than that. Why does it have to be a a big fight? So, I think Megan, you know, your kids can still go or whoever wants to go. Maybe tomorrow one of your kids doesn't want to go, Megan. And are you going to say this is a family culture? I mean, you're going to be really stifling your children, too, if you keep pushing them to conform without having a a say in things. So, I think again, this is not a big deal as long as you both approach it with connection. You know, maybe Steve, you can tell your daughter, since you don't love going for a walk, you can have two nights of the week that you go later with me or you don't go, but the rest of the nights you go with me. Right. Megan has actually put in great policies. like she's got good systems. She may be a bit rigid, but she's got good systems that Steve, you may want your kids to get on board with.

20:54 So, how can you compromise? You're right, Steve. You don't want to be dictatorial. You don't want to be a tyrant. It's ridiculous to fight over this, but how can you merge her good values that Megan is bringing and also give the flexibility of a Steve, right? You want to be flexible. She wants to be rigid. She's got some good systems. Let's do it in a way that compromises. So Megan, if Steve is correct that you're saying things like, "Oh, she's just get manipulating you, then that is very unfair and that is going to create animosity in Steve and make him feel judged. That's not fair to say, right?"

21:31 And so what if his daughter wants alone time? This could happen with anybody in any system. Yeah, it's okay if she wants alone time. Say, "Sure, have the alone time. We're going on with our way." Don't create this negative feeling either because then that makes Steve feel overprotective and over territorial and defensive. Yes, I see that. So, Steve, why don't you tell your daughter, you know what, two nights of the week you and I can go separately or you can just chill and I'll just be home with you. End of story. But the other four or five nights you have to come with us.

22:03 You get to pick which nights you want and you give her some autonomy. You see, what may have happened is that Megan with her routines and her systems may have been too rigid for Steve's children or for Steve himself. So, we have to compromise. But both these things I've heard are the most simple solutions. And if this is what's coming in between the two of you as a couple, I really want to say that's really sad and you should go for therapy immediately so that you don't have to separate as a couple over this. I'm not trivializing it, but this is really simple stuff. And y'all are both acting a little immature and rigid.

22:41 Y'all are both acting territorial and pointing fingers when it's such a simple situation. So I try to stay away from highly processed foods. So one thing is that I again with the rigidness I'm seeing it. I make my kids like I limit them to how much of the like highly processed like Alfredo pasta or something that they can have and then they have to have vegetables and stuff like that. But Steve is less rigid with vegetables and the whole food thing is an issue and Steve's daughter is struggling a little bit with her weight too. So, it's good to lay down habits that are will support like a healthy weight. Yep. We definitely argue about food, you know, and Cheetos and those sorts of things. Okay. So, go ahead, Steve. I had the opportunity to work in a previous job with registered dietitians. And they said that it's not good practice to dictate food for children. It's better to model it. So if there's foods you don't want, you limit it and you be the example and you eat the vegetables, you eat the things. So I don't force my daughter to eat a certain way. I just try to make it like for example, if Megan has a problem with certain foods, I just make less of it and I go, "Oh, well, we're dividing this food equally amongst everyone." So there's just a limited amount of it. And I don't say that they have to eat certain amount of vegetables cuz I feel like that also stigmatizes vegetables.

24:16 So, I'm trying my best to eat the vegetables in front of her. Just make it always available, make it delicious. I agree with Meg that we should eat healthy and she is heavier than the other kids, but I also was a heavy child and I also feel like we come to it and we figure it out. And I think Megan feels like this urgency to to fix it now. And I'm like, I'm going to be her dad and I'm going to help her on this path to figure it out. And even though I agree that maybe she's heavier than the like the the BMI and everything that this is a slower journey than you know the the urgent like we have to cut off all super processed foods. Both of you are absolutely right and you are both good. Megan comes with amazing systems.

24:59 Her approach I think is a bit rigid. Steve doesn't come with amazing systems but his approach is kind of on point. He's relaxed. He's chilled if he's characterizing himself correctly. He's flexible. He's adaptable. He's got a good approach. I like it. But I like Meg's systems, right? And Steve, you don't have the systems. She has some good systems in place. So the two of you together can really execute beautifully. I agree with your approach, Steve, but I agree with Meg's systems. Meg, I don't know whether I fully agree with your approach. You're just lucky you have two children who comply and it does not work for everybody, but you can be a bit rigid, right? But you're very thoughtful. You've organized your life.

25:43 You are very mindful. I love that. I've never heard of this thing of taking a walk after dinner. Wow. I wish I had that system. Great. We love it. I love it. I love the walk after dinner every day. So, now let's go to just the deeper issue here before we wrap up. Do you see how childishly pouty you'll both have been for no reason? You'll actually good together. You'll actually need each other, right, Meg? You need Steve's relaxed, chill, lay fair, you know, more zen attitude.

26:16 And Steve, you need her systems. They're great systems. But I think both of you together can tell the children this. You know, one of us has the systems, one of us has the more easy approach. Sometimes we go this way, sometimes we go that way, but from now on, we're going to both look at all four of you as our children. And you both need to draw on each other's strengths. And I think in couples therapy or I do think you both need to go for a few sessions, you will uncover why it is you all have created this distance between the two of you.

26:48 And I fathom it has to do with your your childhood and being told what to do and fear. But what I see is an amazing combo. Amazing. And I do think both of you alone are not the answer. You know, we need somebody who's a little OCD like Meg and we need somebody who's a little bit flexible like Steve. We need both parents, right? And I think together y'all can come together, but if you'll judge each other, if you'll make each other feel defensive, then it is going to create a rift and y'all both need to own that. Right, Steve? In your own way, you may have put Meg's systems down and Meg in your way, you may have put Steve's approach down as well. Like just the the comment about his daughter, that was not okay, right? So that attitude will make anyone feel defensive. So I hope you got some clarity. I definitely think you guys need to fix this fast because I don't want you to lose each other over this nonsense. I don't want to minimize, but this is really nonsense, okay? And y'all are both being children about it. So I encourage you to see the beauty of each other. You'll have a lot of good things about each other. I agree with both of you. So thank you both for being honest and transparent and vulnerable. I really appreciate it. Thank you so much, Dr.

28:00 Shafali. This has been life-changing. We've been looking forward to this and it was better than I imagined. So thank you so much for your time. Well, thank you for being receptive and allowing me to give you very stern feedback. So I appreciate that. Bye guys. Thank you so much. Bye. Oh my goodness. I'm sure so many of you couples could relate to the issues that we just discussed, right? When we are in the couple dynamic, the issues seem so big. They feel insurmountable and each one of us in the couple gets stuck and feels like we've been done wrong to and we get defensive.

28:38 Add in the complexity of having a blended family and those issues become even more exaggerated. So, in every couple dynamic, I always tell my clients, listen, the parenting issues you're having are less to do with parenting and more to do with your own feelings in the relationship. They have to do with your communication, with your trust, with your respect. And if you build that up, then the parenting issues get resolved. You know, couples get confused because they have different parenting strategies. That is the issue.

29:14 But that is just the tip of the iceberg and is a mirror to their internal dynamics. So I hope you learned something out of this. I hope you're taking away some valuable insights for your own couple issues and don't be afraid to work on that. You know, I get so many clients who are couples and within a few sessions I can help them to see the forward path better. And just like with Megan and Steve, I hope they realize that their issues are surmountable. They are workable and they don't have to break up their whole family over these differences. If you are someone who is struggling in your own couple or in your own parenting and you are longing for better help, for more guidance, for more insight, have you checked out my conscious community?

30:04 In my conscious community, I offer daily insight and guidance for couples issues, for parenting issues, for life issues, for relationship issues. Check it out. It's called the Conscious Circle. For less than $25 a month, you can be part of an amazing and elevated and conscious community where we can all grow together. You know, in these isolating times, we need community more than ever. And this is why I created my conscious community. So if you want my help on a daily basis, if you want more guidance and insight, tools and strategies, check it out. For less than $25 a month, you can be part of this amazing, vibrant community where you can grow, elevate, and transform. Thank you so much for listening to this episode. I will see you on the next episode of Parenting and You with me, Dr.

30:58 Shafali. Parenting and You with Dr. Chafali is for educational andformational purposes only. It is not intended as a substitute for professional medical, psychological, psychotherrapeutic, coaching, health care or other qualified professional advice, diagnosis or treatment.