# How to Start Family Meetings Your Kids Won't Want to Miss **Creator:** Connected Families **Platform:** youtube **Duration:** 18m **Source:** https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BgKp-mKzIZg ## Summary Family meetings can be transformed from a dreaded obligation into a fun and engaging family tradition that fosters teamwork, responsibility, and connection. By incorporating creativity and a few guiding principles, families can create a space where everyone feels heard and valued, making these meetings a highlight of the week. - Family meetings help solve household challenges, promote teamwork, and build leadership skills in children. - Start with a fun activity to set a positive tone, such as snacks or a short film. - Establish clear goals for meetings, including coordinating schedules, growing responsibility, and developing a family vision. - Encourage kids to take ownership of their responsibilities and contribute to problem-solving discussions. - Use a structured agenda and ensure everyone has a chance to speak, promoting listening and compromise. - Keep meetings short and flexible, allowing for movement and snacks to maintain engagement. - Regularly revisit decisions made in meetings to reinforce accountability and expectations. - The ultimate goal is to foster a strong family culture that emphasizes connection, support, and shared values. ## Transcript [[0:03]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BgKp-mKzIZg&t=3s) Family meetings, how to make them fun. Yes, really. Family meetings. Woohoo. Or not. I get it. Those two words probably don't fill you with excitement. In fact, they might send you into a state of anxiety. Maybe they've been sitting on your mental list of shouldd dos. You know, things all the A+ parents supposedly do. You might even realize family meetings could solve a problem or two in your household, but you're wondering how to have a family meeting your kids don't want to run away from. I hear you. Next week, we'll have the Thatford family on who will tell us exactly what it looked like for them? [[0:43]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BgKp-mKzIZg&t=43s) So, be sure to tune in for that. But here's the thing. Who says family meetings have to be awful? Not only do they help build teamwork, solve household challenges, and grow responsibility and leadership in your kids, they can actually be loads of fun. What if you and your kids started looking forward to family meetings? What if they became the highlight of your week? Come on, dream with me here. You really can learn to plan and carry out a family meeting your kids enjoy. And here's the good news. There's no perfect formula. A few principles and a little creativity are all you need. So, what exactly is a family meeting? A family meeting is when the family meets. Okay, it's a little bit more than that because dinner time isn't a family meeting, although I guess it could be. A family meeting is anytime your family gathers to solve problems, plan events, or get on the same page. If you've ever worked in the professional world, you're probably familiar with these kinds of meetings. Someone calls a meeting. You chat about a problem or an upcoming event. You divide up the work and everyone goes on their merry way to apply what was decided. A family meeting can do the same thing. But here's the catch. Kids probably won't get excited about the boardroom approach. You're going to need something a little more kid-friendly or teen friendly, depending on your crew. Our humble beginnings. [[2:03]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BgKp-mKzIZg&t=123s) Fabulous family fun nights. Our first family meeting started when we had two kids. ages six and three. My wife and I knew fun had to be a part of it if the kids were going to participate willingly. So, we announced that Friday would become fabulous family fun night or FFN for short. You should have seen the excitement in our house. On that first FFFN, we popped popcorn, drank hot cocoa, and watched a Veggie Tales video. After the video, we briefly talked about what kind of family we wanted to be. We discussed teamwork and honoring each other. Then we got into the more practical stuff, day-to-day issues around the house. We identified that laundry, dishes, and clean rooms were important to mom and dad. Playdates, eating, and free time, well, those were important issues for our kids. It laid the groundwork for problem solving at future meetings. Was it chaotic and random? Absolutely. But it was a start. [[3:03]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BgKp-mKzIZg&t=183s) Now that our kids are adults, I can see how those years of family meetings became part of our family culture. They gave our kids tools to problem solve and make decisions that have equipped them well. And honestly, I can see now more than ever how family meetings can help families connect with God, with each other, and their purposes in the world. Why family meetings? There are lots of reasons families decide to start holding family meetings. Maybe schedules and planning have become chaotic. Maybe you recognize it's time to shift more ownership of responsibilities to your kids. Or maybe your family is humming along okay, but you don't sense a clear god-given identity and calling for your unique family. Family meetings can help address all of those concerns and more. [[3:49]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BgKp-mKzIZg&t=229s) Three goals for family meetings. Let's be honest, family life is busy. Work, school, sports, activities. The calendar fills up fast. And when your child asks for a last minute playd date on Thursday evening, it can feel overwhelming. That's actually how we got started with family meetings. For us, it began as a calendar problem. How could we be intentional about our time and be the kind of family we wanted to be? We started by looking at the calendar for the upcoming week and deciding what the yeses were and what didn't fit. When discussing the week ahead, we'd invite our kids to think about who they wanted a playd date with and what day might work. We would do our best to make it happen, but if they didn't plan for it during the meeting, we weren't going to go out of our way to make it happen. [[4:38]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BgKp-mKzIZg&t=278s) This really helped them learn the skill of thinking ahead. Pretty much every parent has that moment when you stop and think, "Hey, why am I doing this? My kids can certainly do this. Clean up their mess, fold their laundry, take out the garbage." One day, my wife and I realized we were doing a lot of things for our kids that they could do for themselves. We also noticed our kids would plead ignorance or inadequacy, which kept us stuck in our enabling roles. So, we took a step back and asked, "Whose responsibility is this?" [[5:08]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BgKp-mKzIZg&t=308s) Anyway, that started our journey toward growing a more cooperative family. We began paying attention to when we felt especially annoyed or angry about our kids' lack of responsibility in a specific area. With that awareness, we could ask ourselves a critical question. Who owns this problem? Here's what I've learned. The person most upset by the lack of follow-through on a particular issue is often the one who by default ends up owning the problem. And when I own my child's problem, I take the responsibility away from my child. For instance, if my daughter left a mess, I might snap, "When are you going to learn to pick up these toys when you're finished playing with them? I clearly have a problem with toys strewn out all over. My daughter, not so much. She might clean up because I'm upset, but not because she feels responsible." With this in mind, we started identifying age appropriate responsibility for our kids around the house. At family meetings, we began asking ownership questions like,"If someone makes a mess in our house, who do you think ought to clean it up?" Or, "How could you help make our house run as smoothly as possible?" We brainstormed strategies together, and our kids learned that they could bring their own concerns to family meetings for discussion. That really built a team mentality and a belief that their voices mattered. Even when we made the final decision, they felt valued because they got to give input first. So, we've covered coordinating schedules and growing responsibility, but there's a third goal that might be the most important of all. We'll get to that right after this. [[6:47]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BgKp-mKzIZg&t=407s) Hi [music] friends, Stacy here. You know, we have an online course that you could start today called [music] The Power of Questions. Less arguing, more wisdom. You know, we get lots of questions from parents every single day. Here's one [music] of them. My four-year-old son struggles to focus. I often find myself repeating [music] requests like, "Please go get your jammies on multiple times before I [music] believe that he's even heard my request. What can I do to help [music] him hear me sooner and encourage his follow-through?" Well, we have an answer for this parent. [music] My co-orker Chad Hang and I are certified coaches. [[7:27]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BgKp-mKzIZg&t=447s) We learned early that asking [music] our kids curious questions instead of telling all the time was a [music] complete game changer. Telling over and over, go get your jammies on gets really tiring, right? [music] Well, the power of questions online course will teach you how to make a big shift. Instead of the me versus you tone [music] where the parent feels responsible to get the child to do what they're supposed to do and then the child resists, instead Chad and I learned that we could shift the tone in our house [music] to a teamwork mentality where parents and children of all ages come together [music] to solve the problems. you know, problems like go get your jammies on. [[8:08]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BgKp-mKzIZg&t=488s) [laughter] The power of questions, [music] less arguing, more wisdom is a four session course that costs $35. You can sign up today. Take it today by yourself or grab a couple of friends and do it as a group. [music] Sandra said this after finishing the course. She said, "The Power of Questions online course gives [music] a solid foundation for why and how to ask thoughtful, meaningful questions. I love how the course takes you through practical steps [music] that helped our entire family start to build the life skill of asking quality questions that build understanding and grow [music] wisdom. We even watched parts of it with our eight and 10year-old children to ignite the problem solving. Man, I love that. Well, you can find the power of questions online [music] course at connectedfamily.org, of course, or just go to the show notes [music] and tap through. [[9:04]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BgKp-mKzIZg&t=544s) >> All right, we're back. And now I want to talk about the goal that honestly changed everything for our family. Developing a vision for your family's purpose. Kids hear our words and watch how we spend our time. They form their own values and priorities based on what they observe. Does much of your family life feel rushed and haphazard? Are you longing for more intentional time together? For a way to be thoughtful about passing on values and faith? We recognized this need early when our kids were young. Over the years, we discussed our family's unique gifts and talents and how we could use them to bless other people. We made an effort to learn about needs around us and became prayerful about what God was up to. We talked about our family's most important values and how those values guided our decisions. Growing a vision towards something beyond ourselves and seeing each family member as a vital part of God's plan helped us call our kids to something more than the rampant selfishness around us. But what did that look like practically? One of our first family meetings began with this question. If our family was the best hanggay family we could be, what would we be like? The answers ranged from having chocolate at every meal to playdates every day to helping each other out when help was needed. Our kids were young, so I wasn't expecting much depth, but it became a springboard for more thoughtful conversations about our purpose over the years. We regularly tackled new questions like, "If we were to be the best family we could be, not better than every other family, how would we do kitchen cleanup? How would we handle conflict? How would we serve at church? How would we decide what kind of movies to watch? We often added a weekly challenge to stretch ourselves. [[10:56]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BgKp-mKzIZg&t=656s) The week our middle daughter decided to opt out of the family meeting was the week we voted in no TV for the week. Well, she never missed another meeting. Basic rules for family meetings. From our own family and many others we've worked with, here are a few rules that make family meetings work. Everyone gets to be heard. A timer or a talking stick can help. Kids learn the vital skills of listening and staying on topic. Decisions are unanimous. This promotes unity as children learn how to compromise. It also keeps kids from voting for candy for every meal. [[11:36]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BgKp-mKzIZg&t=696s) Attendance is optional, but all decisions apply to all family members, present or not. Spontaneous requests during the week go on the next meeting's agenda. This decreases how often you say no because instead you say sure, put it on the list for our next meeting. Parents make it clear what is or isn't negotiable. For example, laundry ready by 10:00 a.m. on Saturdays or toys picked up before bed at 8:00 p.m. It's okay for kids to challenge expectations or even influence changes. Remember, a primary goal of problem-solving discussion is to help kids feel empowered about how to meet those expectations. Tips for successful family meetings. Select a meeting time and block it off weekly. Give your kids some options you know will work. Ask for their input and then put the meetings on the calendar. It helps if the meeting is at the same time every week. If that's not possible, make sure everyone has plenty of advanced notice since decisions affect all family members. [[12:39]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BgKp-mKzIZg&t=759s) Plan the agenda ahead of time. You can use a chalkboard, whiteboard, or an agenda list in your kitchen. Jot down notes beforehand about issues you want to discuss. If they're old enough, encourage your kids to do the same. You can even help preschoolers make a list. They dictate while you write. Start with fun to set a positive tone. A short film and popcorn might be just the thing for your younger children. If your kids are particularly rambunctious, start with a bike ride or big muscle activity to help regulate their bodies. For older kids, try questions like, "What's gone well in our family this week?" or "What was everyone's high moment?" or just start with a funny YouTube video. Keep the time short with low expectations. [[13:25]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BgKp-mKzIZg&t=805s) 15 minutes might be a good start unless everyone agrees to extend it. Accept lots of wiggling and movement. Offer a snack to help settle their brains while you talk and roll with whatever happens. This models the peace of Jesus in real time. Take turns planning and facilitating. Our kids joined us in taking turns leading the meeting when they were about 7 years old. This developed leadership skills in each child. Regardless of who facilitates, everybody can bring concerns or ideas. [[13:56]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BgKp-mKzIZg&t=836s) At first, use meetings to address only one problem area. For example, how do we want to do the laundry or how do we want to work together at meals? Refer back to decisions. Instead of lectures, when kids get off track between meetings, you can smile and ask, "What did we decide at the family meeting?" Help kids tune in to God's guidance. The early apostles met to address a problem facing the early church and recognized God's partnership with them, concluding, "It seemed good to the Holy Spirit and to us." You can pray with your kids and ask God to help you solve challenges in a way that honors all family members. A practical example, when it works well. [[14:41]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BgKp-mKzIZg&t=881s) When our kids entered elementary school, we expected them to have their dirty laundry collected and ready to wash by 10:00 a.m. each Saturday. Everyone understood the expectations, but there seemed to be a problem with forgetfulness. One week, we chose laundry as the problem area to address during the family meeting. We asked, "What does everyone need to meet this deadline?" Predictably, the kids suggested that we all just try real hard the next week. As parents, we knew we needed more, so we gently suggested a secondary plan just in case the tryh hard plan fell through. The kids requested a 10-minute warning for everyone. They then agreed that if clothes weren't where they were supposed to be at 10:00 a.m. on Saturday, those who were tardy would fold the rest of the family's clothes. We all agreed to the plan. At the next family meeting, we discussed how the solution went for everyone. It went quite well. Here's what I want you to notice. My wife and I set the expectation about the laundry. [[15:40]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BgKp-mKzIZg&t=940s) The family meeting gave our kids ownership of how to meet the expectation. The result was that all our kids began taking responsibility for their laundry. Parents can also choose to lay out a problem and invite group brainstorming. For example, mom and I work hard to cook meals. How do you think cleanup should be divided so the kitchen gets clean and everyone feels cared for? These are healthy parameters for family meetings. You figure out what expectation you want to address or situation you want to brainstorm. [[16:11]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BgKp-mKzIZg&t=971s) Determine these parameters before you go into the meeting. Clear is kind and it sets your kids up for success at problem solving. What about when it doesn't go well? I know some parents of four teens who decided to give family meetings a try, but their first one was a fiasco. Mom and dad had prepared a list of chores the kids should do, and dad told them the expectations. The kids took the list, headed out to the garage, pinned it up, and used an airsoft gun to turn it into a target practice. The oldest son smuggly handed the shredded paper back to dad. The good news, these parents didn't give up. They stayed calm and harnessed their kids' strength to make family meetings enjoyable and productive. If family meetings aren't going the way you anticipated, don't lose hope. It's worth the effort to regroup and try again. The benefits of family meetings. Your family can benefit in so many ways, just like ours did. [[17:10]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BgKp-mKzIZg&t=1030s) You'll grow in heartfelt connection and a deep sense of belonging. You'll learn to problem solve effectively as a team. You can brainstorm family rules based on mutual values. You'll clarify expectations, roles, rules, and rewards or consequences. You'll prepare your kids for wise, compassionate leadership. You'll provide emotional support when someone has a challenging week. You can grow a heart for ministry together. And you'll build confidence by recognizing and building on each person's qualities and strengths. Over the years, our times together provided lots of opportunities to practice love for each other that is patient and kind and not arrogant or rude, does not insist on its own way. [[17:54]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BgKp-mKzIZg&t=1074s) When our oldest daughter was heading to college, she said, "Family meetings gave everyone in our family an opportunity to participate and have a voice while allowing our family to stay connected." That's a legacy I'm so grateful to have given our children. Ready to get started? Keep it simple and fun. Don't try to do too much at first and let us know how it goes for you. Or if you have questions, we'd love to hear from you. [[18:20]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BgKp-mKzIZg&t=1100s) Thanks for tuning in today, friends. Connected Families is a nonprofit ministry made possible by The Table and other donors. The Table is a group of people from around the world who are committed to Christc centered transformation in families. Their monthly giving equips parents and caregivers with biblical and researchinformed resources that cut the overwhelm and guide parents well. [music] Would you consider joining us at the table today? For more information about Connected Families, follow us on Instagram, Facebook, or YouTube, [music] or go to connectedfamilies.org.