How to Stop Toddler from Snatching Toys | 5 Tips for Teaching Kids to Share

0:00 nothing gets our heart rate pumping fast as it does when we witness our children fight and scream over toys whether it's with their siblings their friends their peers uh or their cousins i mean it can be so exhausting and frustrating to be a witness to their endless toy battles so in today's video i'm gonna be sharing five important things to keep in mind when it comes to sharing and toy battles so let's discuss

0:30 [Music] hi welcome back to my channel i'm dr jasmine i'm a clinical psychologist and mom of two and after this video be sure to download my free positive parenting checklist bundle it's full of practical tips and scripts on how to handle the most difficult parenting moments like tantrums aggression and not listening so check the link in the description or in the comment section to download your free bundle okay so the number one thing to consider and to remember when it comes

1:01 to sharing which sharing by the way is when there's only one thing right there's only one of the item or the toy that they want and they want the other person wants it right so when it comes to sharing it's really important to remember and keep in mind that especially for the little ones i'm thinking the babies and the toddlers it is developmentally inappropriate to expect children to share and be in the reason why is because

1:30 children are naturally around this age very egocentric okay they're very focused on themselves so you often hear mind mind mind it's all about me me me me me because that is the developmental stage that they're in right they're coming to form their own identity they're coming to understand themselves what they like what they don't like and so when it comes to toys i mean it's theirs right if they can see it if it's yours it's theirs if it's theirs

1:59 it's theirs and so a lot of the times us as the adults i think what happens is when we see that another child wants it whether it's our other child or it's the our cousin you know the child's cousin or a peer we feel this internal pressure for our child to share and so we will exert that control exer try to exert our own influence on that situation but forgetting that developmentally speaking it's not appropriate to expect your child

2:27 to share now it's not to say that your child will never share when they're when they're a toddler right or preschooler it's just that it takes time and it takes practice and don't expect it to be a consistent practice um and so around four and five is when they can come to understand that oh other people have different wants and needs and feelings than i do right they begin to understand that okay i uh my needs and wants and feelings are

2:55 different they're separate from somebody else and so that's when they're more likely to share when they can actually have that empathy and put themselves in that other person's shoes to be like okay i want to share now right and it comes from a good place because the thing about it is if we force our child to share they're going to develop the scarcity mindset right because they're like oh my gosh there's never enough time there's never enough toys for me

3:22 everything's always getting snatched away um i don't have any control over it and so they're gonna want that thing even more right think about us in our own lives right when we feel like there's not enough of something we cling on to it even more and our children are no different especially in that egocentric mindset so the second thing to to consider and to keep in mind um is that children and the way that i operate is children are allowed

3:51 to have or play with the toy for however long they need it's more about taking turns than it is about sharing right it's more about okay when i'm done with the toy i'll let you know rather than okay now you've got to share right up timer's up now you've got to give up what you're playing with and give it to somebody else the important thing that i want you to keep in mind about play is that it is

4:19 our child's form of work when they are playing they are working they are learning right they are thinking about complex things like cause and effect right like logical reasoning uh they're learning important concepts like counting when they stack up the blocks right and find and do other things um and so i don't want you to lose sight of that so when you force a child to give up what they're playing with give up what they're using as a tool to

4:48 learn you're interrupting that learning process right and so um instead it's more about helping them learn how to take turns and the other child right who is is um on is waiting for that toy is learning a very valuable thing and that is patience right how to wait your turn because in life you're not always going to get what you want right away there's going to have to be some patience involved in the process and so

5:17 what an important invaluable skill to teach your child if they're the one that wants the toy how to wait their turn so very important right how to take turns right how to give up something when you're done with it and how to wait their turn when they want something but somebody else is using it number three really important thing to keep in mind when it comes to sharing and toy battles is to teach the child who is waiting one

5:41 how to wait patiently um and that might be something very often that you'll have to to help them with right and coach them along be right there with them redirect them to another activity uh validate their feelings of frustration and patience right um anger but also you want to teach them how to communicate with the child who is using the toy that they want so you can teach them how to say things like let me know when you're done

6:08 you know i'd love to play with it let me know when you're done or hey would you like to trade right how about this for that right so you're teaching them a very valuable skill negotiate negotiation so this can start as early as toddler years right they can learn how to communicate and negotiate with that other person and if the child's like no i'm i don't want that i'm still done i'm still playing with this then they

6:33 they learn okay it looks like they're not ready yet let me know when you're done okay the number four thing to um keep in mind when it comes to uh watching your children play is to really tune your mind in and train your mind to notice when they do share when they do take turns when they do communicate right when they do all the things that we're hoping that they will learn i think we miss those opportunities a lot of the

7:00 times because we're focused on the bad right we're focused on the negative like okay they're fine i can step away and then we only come in when they're fighting and screaming and grabbing things but it's really important to be mindful of and point out uh when they are playing well with each other and to verbally say wow i love how much teamwork you guys are are having i love how you guys are taking turns you guys

7:23 are talking this through i knew you can do it um because that's going to make them want to do it even more the other thing to uh point out is the positive effects that come out of their teamwork and they're uh playing well together and communicating wow he or she looks so happy when you gave um the trade when you were done with it thank you so much for uh for doing that right um so that they can begin to learn again

7:51 those pro social skills and the positive impact of their choices now again it's not to say that we're rushing them along and we're sending that message you want to be careful in your praise that you're not sending them that message of oh yeah you should be sharing all the time no it's hey you can play with it for however long you need and you know when you're done let her know let him know it looks like

8:12 he's very excited to do it or maybe you guys can play with it together you want to get creative but you don't want to praise or over praise the sharing or the taking turns to the effect that your child's like oh okay this is what i'm just supposed to be doing this is the this is what i'm it is expected of me to do so there's a balance there okay and you always want to also be praising the

8:35 other child for waiting their turn i know this is frustrating but i know you really want to play with that oh i get it oh that looks so fun yes and thank you so much for waiting your turn she looks so happy playing with it and then it'll be your turn to play with it now let's talk about um number five which is the toy battles and the snatching okay because i know that's really hard in the moment you're like ah

9:00 what am i supposed to do you kind of feel like you're caught in the middle and you don't know what to do a lot of the times so let's talk about that okay so whenever there's a conflict my overarching principle is to do less as the adult right do as little as possible in terms of the conflict and here's why if we are the adult that's always jumping in to save the day decide who's right and who's wrong who

9:26 gets the toy and who doesn't um then they're going to depend on us to solve their conflict and that is gonna actually backfire right it's gonna make it more likely that when they're having a disagreement you're gonna hear mommy daddy grandpa grandma you're gonna hear them calling for you because they're used to you jumping in and always deciding what happens right always solving the conflict for them so of course the younger that they are they're gonna

9:55 need more of your help but over time and especially as you practice this you want to get into the mindset of i'm gonna step back and i'm going to observe and i am going to support and encourage but i'm not going to solve for them okay very very important distinction so what you can do as your observer self and the number one thing to help slow things down because oftentimes when we see these snow this this toy

10:24 snatching we feel like it's an emergency right i've got to solve this right away they're screaming children especially sometimes when you're out in public you're like oh my gosh what do i do all eyes are on me um and so we very often will rush in with a lot of urgency because we feel like it's an emergency and we want to make it stop so we have to fight that urge and one of the helpful things to do in

10:44 that moment is to simply describe what you see slow down it's going to help you slow down it's going to help your children slow down and just describe what you see wow you guys both want that toy wow you are playing with that toy and then he wanted that toy and now you guys are upset whatever you see now if you didn't see it um you can describe what you see in that moment and then invite them to tell you

11:10 the story can you tell me a little bit about what happened because so often too we're rushing and we're making assumptions about things we didn't even see okay and that's a very good way to make the other child feel left out feel judged to feel like you're not on their side okay so it's really important that we keep in mind as adults our job is not to decide who's bad and who's good who's right and who's wrong who gets a toy who doesn't

11:36 a lot of the times um and so sportscast slow yourself down slow the children down in that moment now i want to preface this by saying that if it ever becomes aggressive or hurtful or dangerous of course you want to always step in those moments and keep everybody safe establish some boundaries establish some limits so of course i'm not saying okay if they're getting aggressive just sit back in sportscast no because always when there is issues of safety we it's

12:06 our job as adults to establish safety and and also i will say if it becomes a pattern right and over and over and over they're fighting over the same thing that's your cue that they need some more adult um intervention if you will and one of the most important things to like keep in mind if it's especially if it's repetitive and it's a pattern is what are they trying to communicate right what's what's motivating that behavior what are they

12:33 trying to get at or what is their unmet need so i'll give an example so a lot of the times especially for the little ones they'll snatch toys not because they're trying to be mean or malicious it's because they're trying to initiate play with the other child but they just don't have the language they don't have those skills to do that and so a lot of the times it looks like snatching things away and so you can invite them oh i think

12:57 you're trying to play with them is that right oh okay you can say hey will you play with me or do you want to play with me or do you want to play this or do you want to play that so you want to try to work with them to increase their social skills by learning new ways to get their needs met from others new ways to communicate what they want and what they need so keep that in the back of your mind

13:20 and maybe it has nothing to do with the interaction maybe they have an unmet need like they're tired or they're frustrated or they need more connection from us but really they're lashing out from their you know with their sibling or their cousin or whoever so you want to kind of in the back of your mind especially if it's a pattern is think about okay what do they need maybe for me or what what's driving this behavior um

13:43 let me look let me peel back the layers and not just look at the behavior but what's driving it right because remember and like i always say behavior is just a form of communication so always ask yourself okay what are they trying to communicate to me if that behavior is a communication um a way to communicate with me what what what are they trying to say to me what are they trying to say to that other person

14:05 if you will and other times what is needed is for us to stay close by get on their level and help them through these interactions so even before they happen you know if we're close by and we see our child trying to reach for somebody else's toy you can slow them down oh are you trying to play with that oh you want to play with the elephant okay you can ask hey can i play with the

14:29 elephant and if the child even just gives you some nonverbal communication even if they don't flat out say no but they're like you know or giving you some signs that they they are still playing with it you want to help your child read those cues oh it looks like they're still playing with it okay you can tell him or her let me know when you're done right and so you're basically walking them through the process of what it looks like to ask

14:54 for a turn and to wait for a turn and how to communicate with their friends or their sibling or whoever so a lot of the times what happens and i'm guilty of this too is we walk away we're like okay they're playing we're gone we're in another room or we're you know in the kitchen somewhere and they're having all these arguments and we're so far away we don't know what's going on um and we're kind of removed from the

15:16 situation so especially if it's a pattern that's your cue okay if you can if you're able to maybe you can sit down with them and get and you know kind of help them through the process play along with them and teach them those skills um because that can go a long long way so let's talk about the scenario where your child has already snatched a toy away from another child and it's very clear to you that the

15:43 other child really wants that toy back and you really feel like okay i need to intervene maybe i'm thinking like in public for sure right where you're like okay i need to do something right i can't just walk you know stand by stand back and just sportscast so in that moment what i recommend you do is start with narrating what you saw i always will recommend this to be your first approach is to slow down that's the most important thing

16:08 because we can't think clearly and our child is going to have a hard time thinking clearly if we're rushing in right and everybody is panicking like this is an emergency it's not an emergency so narrowing what you saw right as long as you know people aren't getting hurt of course that's different um and then you want to say something like oh it looks like your sister or brother or your friend or whoever uh really wants that toy back what do

16:30 you think we should do okay very important step because what you're doing is you are one showing your child right you're labeling what that other child is feeling oh they feel really sad that they don't have that toy what do you think we should do then you're inviting them to problem solve which is so important again right because we our number one job as a parent is to work ourselves out of a job okay so you

16:55 want to more and more invite your child to get curious right to problem solve on their own so you can say something like what do you think we should do this also is really important because it is showing your child that you trust in them to solve problems which is really important right because so often if we're not careful we can just be conveying to them oh they can't be trusted to solve their problems i'm gonna come in and solve it for you

17:19 okay so of course a lot of the times they're not gonna know what to do and that's okay too but it's it's it's part of the process it's part of the habit that you're building to throw that ball back in their court and invite them to problem solve okay so you come in you narrate oh looks like your friend feels really sad they really want that toy back what do you think we should do about that

17:41 then you pause give them pause for a beat listen in if they say something um and if they don't if they don't know or they say something that is not to the effect of let me give that toy back then you can say something like i think we should give the toy back right and wait our turn um and here's the other crucial part would you like to give the toy back or do you need my help very important

18:06 you're giving your child control by giving them two choices one which you can control um and so you're not just snatching it away and being like hurry up give it to them right they're crying hurry up right we're saying hey i'm not flustered i'm calm i'm giving you a choice would you like to give that back to your friend or would you do you need my help now if they're like no no no i don't want to give it back okay

18:31 no problem i got you covered then you just gently right we're never grabbing toys out of our hand because think about the implications think about what that's modeling for our child right when we want something we can just take it away and grab it forcefully so we are being very gentle we're being very respectful and we're gently taking that toy out of their hand yes i know validating right yes i know this is hard it is so hard you guys both want this

18:55 toy i'm going to help you i'm going to help you okay and that spirit of validation empathy and being that helpful person um for them okay and then you get if in the case you know you need to help them then you give it back okay and then you can say something like hey bud let um so and so let your child or whoever right let me know let them know when you're done because i know she

19:17 really wants to play with that toy he really wants to play with that toy he's very excited thank you so much for understanding okay then your child probably likely is very upset still so you're gonna go and you're gonna comfort them you're going to still um praise them for giving the toy away even when they didn't want to even if you had to help them through this because most importantly it's really important just to keep a positive attitude keep

19:41 up i'm not flustered i'm that calm confident leader we gonna get through this okay i'm gonna help you through this thank you so much for understanding thank you so much for giving that toy back i'll help you wait right and um it looks like they're going to let us know when we're done so when they're done i'm sure they're going to give it to you and it'll be your turn um and then you know what you're doing

20:02 is you're kind of you're ending on a positive note and it's okay if they have those feelings right it's okay for them to be upset again you're like okay do you have some other unmet need met needs are they hungry are they tired are they ready to be done with this park um or maybe i need to just redirect them to another activity and we can be okay but if it's ongoing fussiness and toy snatching maybe they're trying to communicate

20:25 something different to you so always be mindful of that um so i know it's really hard to witness our child um having trouble with sharing right which remember is not developmentally appropriate for the little ones or toy snatching and getting into those toy battles and i know oftentimes it feels like an emergency right we as the adults feel powerless we're like i need to take back control i need to fix this situation and oftentimes that's not what our child needs um now of

20:57 course unless it's a situation where they're getting aggressive or dangerous of course then we need to step in but a lot of the times when those those little squabbles they need our help with communication and problem solving and conflict resolution which is what we're doing when we take time to slow down and teach and not choose sides so very important so give this video a thumbs up if you got any value from it if you learned anything new

21:23 let me know in the comments below if you're struggling with this with struggling with toy battles if you decide to give these tips a try let me know how it goes i love to hear um what insights or what stories you have after you try the tips let me know what other videos you want to see from me next down in the comments i'm always paying attention to your guys's questions so that i can offer you guys uh helpful

21:44 videos uh be sure to subscribe to my channel if you haven't already um because i upload videos every week um so you don't miss an upload um and i will see you guys in the next one bye