Transcript
0:01 There was this idea in the 1960s that all behaviour was instrumental. Some of you will remember the psychology classes then. In fact, it's still prevailing today; that what we do, we do on purpose and therefore the way of controlling it is to be able to control the consequence. And so that's when the idea of consequence was born. But it ends up that most problem behaviour - probably 90 percent of problem behaviour - is emotion and instinct based; it is not done on purpose. In fact, the emotion or instincts are controlling the child. Consequences here usually only aggravate the problem and so they’re not the Panacea that we thought.
0:43 For instance, if a child is aggressive and we add a consequence, we increase the frustration. It's as if we're saying, "I see you're having problems handling frustration today; let me give you some more to handle." It doesn't even make any sense that we would do this. So children can learn from consequences, but it ends up that they have a very narrow range of effectiveness. One, the behaviour has to be done on purpose; the child must be able to control it. Secondly, they must feel sad about whatever happened, because they won't learn from it unless there's an emotional counterpart of feeling sad about what didn't work. And they must be able to think twice. Now, if a child could feel sad about what didn't work and was able to think twice, they would need very few consequences in life. That is, they're learning from all the consequences that are around. So, the problem is that when children don't learn, we're upping the ante. We're using more and more and more consequences instead of going to the root problem. Much more important is emotion and motivation. The two most important motivations in the child is one, that they want to be good for us, and that is a function of attachment. We only feel like being good for those to whom we're attached.
1:56 I would always ask parents when they'd say well, "How do I get my child to be good?" And I said, "Well, can you feel in his heart his desire to be good for you?" That's sacred, that must be there and that's a function of relationship. If you have that, you need few tricks, you don't need anything else. And secondly, is that a child is aiming in the right direction, in that you've actually inculcated your values inside of them, and you get that by soliciting good intentions in a child. "Can I count on you to do this?" "Will you give it a good try?" And you've got to get the nod. If a child is aiming in the right direction and the child's heart is in the right place, wants to be good, you don't need any tricks. 95 percent of the parenting literature is about tricks, according to some estimates. We don't need those tricks if the relationship is right and if we reached for the roots of problem behaviour, which is in emotion and motivation.
Summary
- The prevailing belief since the 1960s is that behavior is instrumental and can be controlled through consequences.
- Approximately 90% of problem behavior is driven by emotions and instincts, not intentional actions.
- Adding consequences often exacerbates issues rather than resolving them, especially for children struggling with frustration.
- Effective learning from consequences requires children to act purposefully, feel sad about their actions, and reflect on their behavior.
- The key motivations for children are their desire to be good for caregivers and the strength of their emotional attachments.
- A strong relationship fosters a child's intrinsic motivation to behave well, reducing the need for behavioral tricks.
- Parenting literature often focuses on behavioral tricks rather than addressing the root causes of problem behavior, which lie in emotional and motivational factors.