7 Things Dads Should NEVER Say To Their Sons | Dad University

0:00 If you're a dad to a son, you're going to want to pay attention to this video of seven things that you should never say. I love creating these lists because there's always a couple of guys who love to comment about how they say this or that their parents said that and they're okay. But I love the comments and so keep them coming. In this video, I'm going to explain why these words are not a good idea and then I'll offer some suggestions on what you can say or do instead.

0:33 Hey guys, I'm Jason Kreidman, creator of the Dad University parenting program. If you are a father of a young child and you want to go from overwhelmed and confused to calm and confident parent, well my parenting course can help. Set up a phone call with me to see if my program's a good fit. I'll put some information in the description below. All right, let's get into the seven things that you should never say to your son. Number one, boys don't cry.

1:00 This is usually said when your child gets hurt, either emotionally or physically, and they're right about to cry or they're actually crying. And as a father, you might say, "Hey, boys don't cry." Dads say this because they think that crying is a form of weakness and boys shouldn't show weakness. Here's the problem. Generations that it was bad to show emotion. So what happens? You are going through life not showing emotion and then guess what happens as an adult. You're not very good at showing emotion or dealing with emotion or managing your emotions.

1:44 So instead of saying, "Boys don't cry." maybe show some empathy, support them, allow them to show their emotions. You might say, "Hey, I can see that you're really upset and maybe things didn't go the way that you thought they were." And then maybe put your arm around them or give them a hug. Your child then knows that you are there to support them and help them. They also feel listened to or heard because you're letting them know that it's okay to show emotion. Over time and as they get older, their emotional intelligence grows. You know, being allowed to show emotion, well we also want to show them how to manage their emotions and and deal with them.

2:26 And part of that is allowing them to express their emotions. So as I said, as they get older, they begin to understand their emotions more and as a result, have better control over them. Number two, you throw like a girl. You might be playing catch with your son and maybe he doesn't look very good, he looks a little awkward or maybe the ball doesn't go very far and because you don't think that a girl can throw a ball, you might say, "Hey, you throw like a girl." Besides being extremely dismissive of women and their capabilities, it doesn't help your son learn how to throw a ball.

3:06 If you really want to help him get better at throwing, then instruct him how to do so. You might say, "Hey, you want to make sure you're planting your foot while you're throwing the ball or lifting your elbow." However you instruct to throw the ball more effectively. Criticism and judgement are not a good way to teach. If you want to bring out the best in your child, offer them instruction, not criticism. Number three, stop acting like a baby. This phrase would come out when you think that your son is acting much younger than they should be.

3:40 Remember though, your son is not an adult. Children regressing is totally common. Your toddler might be doing something that seems sort of babyish. Maybe they forgot how to do something that they were already taught and you feel like they should know how to do this. Or they begin crying for some reason that you don't understand. It just seems like something that a baby would do and not necessarily a toddler. Or your young child is actually acting like a toddler, throwing a tantrum and not listening and you thought that this behavior was behind you. Instead of telling them, "Stop being such a baby."

4:20 use the techniques that we have been teaching here at Dad University. If it's a tantrum, we know not to reinforce the bad behavior by paying attention to that. This is negative reinforcement and we don't want to do that. When you are trying to communicate to your son, tell them what to do instead of what not to do. Telling a child what to do is a much more effective strategy. The number four phrase to never say to your son, boys will be boys. This is often said to explain and excuse boys behavior that might be inappropriate, aggressive or undesirable. And we say it because we just expect that this is how boys are going to act. Just because boys might act this way and some people feel like it's part of the male character, but that doesn't make it okay. I did an entire video about the phrase boys will be boys. I'll link it right here. You can go check that out and see for yourself. Expectations or not, we we shouldn't reinforce bad behavior or make excuses for it. Instead, we can communicate to our son and say, "Hey, how could you have done that a little bit different or in a better way? Or what's a different strategy for handling that?" Make them think about a positive way to handle those kinds of situations.

5:43 Let's help our sons display good character and defy negative expectations. Number five, that isn't for boys. It could also be, "Hey, that's for girls." Now this is said when you feel like your son is doing something that in your mind is traditionally for girls. Now that could be playing with dolls, playing house, dancing, uh baking, cooking, cleaning. It really depends on how deep your gender stereotyping really is. In any case, telling your son that something that he is interested in is not for him could be stifling his emotional development, his creativity or even just something that he feels is really fun to do. Why limit your son? Instead, encourage him to try different things and explore things that he likes. Someone who is saying, "That's not for boys." will likely not be convinced that they are in the wrong.

6:47 I'll keep trying but not expecting that a 10-minute YouTube video will change everyone's mind. Number six, be a man. You might also hear different versions of this, "Suck it up, be a man or grow some." The situation here is that a dad is trying to get their son to be tougher, stronger or more resilient. Again, the problem with this approach is that we are then telling our boys that you can't feel scared, you can't cry, you you aren't allowed to show emotion. If you are an emotionless man, then yeah, you probably had a father that told you to be a man and be tough at all costs. Yes, we want our boys to grow up to be resilient and be good men.

7:32 But that doesn't necessarily mean strong and tough. Not everybody who is a good man has to be strong and tough. I'm not indicating that those aren't positive or good characteristics for some. But we also have great men who don't fall into that category. Programming men to deal with everything this way creates pressure to be aggressive, to repress emotions and to always be strong. Not only is this unrealistic, but it's bad for our mental health. Next time you're in a situation with your son and you have the urge to say, "Be a man." or "Suck it up." or "Be stronger."

8:15 Instead, think about how you can help and support them. We want to be careful about expecting them to act in a certain way in those situations. We don't always have to be strong. We have to be able to show our emotions and manage them. Number seven, you are too sensitive. We discourage our boys from being compassionate, warm and sensitive. Being too sensitive can also be said sometimes when a child is overwhelmed by sights or sounds or activities. According to Psychology Today, 15 to 20% of children are highly sensitive. This means that they're actually born with higher sensitivity. You criticizing them about being sensitive is not going to help their situation. In fact, it's most likely going to make it worse. If you feel like your son is overly sensitive, then you have to shift the way that you perceive it. Instead, perceive it as a gift. Sensitive children are highly aware of their environment. They're usually pretty perceptive or intuitive.

9:26 And often, they're much more intelligent at an early age. As with all the words and phrases in this video, going down the direction of criticism is not the way to go as a parent. We want to encourage and support, not criticize and judge. Think back to your own childhood. There may have been something that your father said that was critical or judgmental about you. You probably still remember those words today as an adult. So think about the impact that your words can have to your son. In fact, I love to hear from you.

10:02 What is something that your father said to you that you know you will never say to your own child? Leave your feedback in the comment section below. Also, it really helps us spread our message and get this video to more people if you can give this video a thumbs up. And if you know anybody that might enjoy this, please share it with them. We'll see you next time.