RELATIONSHIPS 101

0:01 hey everyone come on in i'm doing a live on relationships and i cannot wait to go into this topic with you many of you sent in questions that i have right here hey hey everyone come on in we're going to talk about relationships so if you have any questions write them in here i would love to explore them with you come on in come on in let's talk about relationships

0:34 what is a healthy relationship what could it look like what is a toxic relationship when to leave when to stay how to make it better um so let's talk about your questions we are going to be drawing from my book uh a radical awakening so come on in guys it's the relationship instagram live that we are going to delve into so for the next few book clubs i'm going to be

1:04 going into different topics and taking your questions so i think i only have six or seven left so uh come on in everyone loving your book how do you deal with a partner who doesn't work wow okay let's cover that how to make communication better hi everyone hi from uruguay from kansas city from india dragon official can't stop reading your book

1:34 um so let's talk about relationships so uh as a backdrop to this topic i want us to really understand that and i'm going to talk in terms of just you know mostly straight relationships male and female mostly traditional stereotypical so please i know i'm talking just cisgendered and just about a diet okay but relationships can be

2:06 bi can be straight can be all sorts of relation different uh polyamorous different configurations but just for the most part you know you're male and a female i'm going very traditional but you can extrapolate to your own relationship please i'm not excluding anyone just for the sake of colloquial ease i'm keeping it traditional um so when two people come together in a relationship we have to understand what that really means okay when two people are coming together in

2:37 an intimate relationship you must understand that they are bringing with them a whole [Music] you know host of baggage they are like coming with bags and bags on their shoulders that the other doesn't see right you think you're just falling in love with samantha or with jacob or you know no you're not you are not you are not falling in love with them at all you first and foremost are falling in love with

3:07 their persona with who they are presenting to you which is their outermost shell their outermost veneer you don't even know who it is they are because you don't know who you are so understand that right from the start you are first initially attracted to people's persona and how it matches your persona so it's it's your egoic self to their ego itself does that match and that's why in the beginning of a

3:39 relationship it's typically form based it's typically based on attraction right do i find you attractive and it's chemical no problem that's natural it's our it's our human instinct to to want that chemistry but the first part of a relationship is form based where it's based on what the presentation is based on what the outside look is so then you think oh i really like samantha and savantha says i really like jacob and

4:10 you think you're going to now start a relationship but here's what you don't understand perhaps is that you're not even aware of who the person is so this notion of falling in love in itself is a flawed notion falling like we shouldn't be falling right we're already starting unbalanced right so this idea that there is a like i have there's a there's a surrender uh implies that you're you're entering or you're falling into

4:41 this sort of other person so this other person becomes the quote-unquote apple of your eye all these are false and flawed ideals the other person cannot be the apple of your eye right the other person cannot complete you the other person isn't your salvation because you don't even know who the other person is for a long long time and this idea of falling in love is flawed you shouldn't be falling at all if anything you should be coming more

5:12 into center you should be coming more into your power the falling feeling is the chemical reactivity but you have to understand that it is a chemical reactivity right so now you are quote unquote in chemical reactivity right it doesn't sound as sexy as falling in love oh i am in a chemical uh phase of my horniness with you it is just chemical horny i am in the face called chemical horniness i mean that's really what it

5:39 is yes okay for a long time it's chemical horniness then it's oh i'm in love with the fake persona of the other person and they are in love with my fake persona but because we're pretending we're real when we're really fake we're pretending they're really real when they're fake but the next phase should be called oh now we are in the hello ego phase i'm meeting the ego and i'm kind of stuck here for a long time

6:06 yes that's the phase so this [ __ ] that you know this other person this is your soul mate doesn't happen for a long time and anyway cannot happen unless each person does the inner work to be authentic right so okay so when you are uh in the chemical attraction phase you have butterflies in your stomach you're sweating and you're like and you're thinking that is love okay that is not love that is called chemical attraction it will happen many

6:36 many times in your life if you wanted to it's very easy to happen we human beings are sexual creatures we're very very sexual beings so the institution of marriage has acted like we're not sexual beings so the institution of marriage and the institution of monogamy has put a clamp on our inherent sexuality and told us we're not really sexual beings and we can only like and be attracted to one person chemical horniness only with one

7:08 person right so the two things we make a mistake in the beginning is mistake chemical horniness for for love and the second thing is that chemical horniness can only happen with us okay so now we are on the way in our relationship we're chomping down the the bit we're walking down the path toward commitment yes women are like commitment commitment right we the guy

7:39 is like uh i just said i liked her and the woman especially as if she's over 25 next thing the guy knows he has a ring on his finger or he's being called the bad guy because he's not committing right so women are like only looking at at their wedding dresses right from when they were five years old so the women are like come on let's start a family you be daddy i'll be mommy okay and let's play house i've

8:05 always dreamt of a white dress and i've always dreamt of living by the ocean and my kitchen will be this way so the women we don't realize that we want to play house so badly you know all of us played house right when we were we played teacher and house and we're so cute and so we're just waiting for the first bait right the first guy who likes us after 25 that's it now guys we need to understand on some other

8:32 path okay women guys are slower to evolve right i mean look at a teenage boy and your teenage girl the teenage girl is already ready to like take charge of life and the teenage boy is just like get you know dealing with his pimples and his penis so very different developmental tracks right and so here the the poor boy i'm not i'm not having pity for no reason really they don't know they're like okay i'll get married right

9:00 so then the guy commits to you but what are they committing to what are we committing to what till death do us for life forever and the guy you know he just wants to drink with his buddies at the wedding party and look at all the girls he's like yeah sure till death do us part i'll be monogamous right he's so cute right he doesn't know what he's talking he doesn't know he's like 26 he's like oh it's nice to have a woman

9:28 in my bed every night i'm so cool okay but at the bachelor party he realizes oh oh am i doing the right thing like what am i doing oops oops oh [ __ ] okay so if everything goes well he will show up at the wedding although he has a niggling sense that maybe i'm too young for this maybe i'm not ready for this like i'm not ready but the woman oh we women are on a

9:55 mission have you seen us like we're like put the ring on the finger put the ring on him right and he's like gagging and he's like i love wearing rings and then on to the next goal let's have children okay so everything is working for the woman the woman is like on a mission she's going straight to mars she's like on her rocket ship but what what she may not realize is that she doesn't even know who this guy is

10:26 and the guy suddenly doesn't know who she is because the guy certainly doesn't know who he is that we know for sure yeah so nobody knows who anybody is right and now you've come home opened the gifts the gifts weren't that great you're like does no one see the registry like did no one read what i put on the freaking registry like what are these statues what are these statues of horses and and cats i don't like horses i don't like

10:51 cats but these are the gifts you got so you're like oh now what right so now you confront the other person and their mother and you're like i don't even know who this person is because you really actually only thought as far as the wedding okay after the wedding no one thinks because the have you seen cinderella ends ends the book ends like the fairy tale ends right so no one has talked about then what okay

11:20 then you realize oh this person is like my brother slobby untidy dirty clumsy where is the prince and don't worry the prince too when the hair weave comes out the eyelashes come out the fake boostier comes out the prince is like where's my princess okay so now and then we're like don't worry the woman has a solution the woman is like don't worry we shall

11:50 now have children somebody wrote so what do we do after 15 years you're realizing it took you 15 years yes the ego is so sneaky you can keep faking it for 15 20 years but eventually it's going to crash so then we have children okay the women are like don't worry don't worry i will keep us distracted i will keep us busy because i want to join the mom's club you know i see all the moms

12:19 dropping the kids off at school and i want to be part of that club so we will have children so the guy again says okay the guy is a kid the guy is like eight nine years old inside what is he saying yes to again again he's saying yes and then he's like i didn't know what were you thinking right you know how many times in my couple session i go what were you thinking they're like i wasn't thinking i go

12:43 honest i like you you're honest you were not thinking okay now you have children here's where it becomes real that's why i love children i love children because children have a way of blowing it up if anyone out there thinks if they're in a marriage right now without children and they think children will save the marriage no children will take the best marriage and

13:14 rip it apart okay so if there are chinks in your armor now don't have children because children are like an explosion okay it's hiroshima nagasaki okay it's like insane okay churnable it's not a good situation okay stop like close the vagina okay so then we have children and the reason i love children is because children make us realize oh we've been living in our ego that we thought we could play house and replicate our dysfunctional families and maybe we

13:46 would heal our dysfunctional families but now we realize we can't so most relationships follow this kind of trajectory which is like no one knows what they're doing okay now i say this with humor not with shame because it's a fact okay most of us marry people who end up becoming our siblings you know like a brother or your sister and you're like who are you you know why are you annoying me and most relationships just become annoying

14:13 because there are replications of your initial family system okay we don't realize that we think it's true love now the reason why it cannot be true love it's just purely mathematical it cannot be true love because you don't love yourself it's just so simple i'm 49 i'm just starting i got married i was with the same guy from 21. what was i thinking right i love somebody else when i can't even love myself but all of us are doing this now

14:46 it's okay to do it but it's not okay to not realize you're doing it right to really pretend like no i love the other person no you don't you're following society's ways you're checking the boxes and you want approval and that's why you take the beautiful emotion of quote-unquote love or sexual horniness and you put a prescription on it called marriage you bring in the legal institution and you sign contracts okay how is that love i don't understand and

15:16 i did it too so no shame we all do it so we we bring in the legal institution and we sign contracts i love you but i own you okay and you own me and i want to be possessed and now i control you i control everything about you your eyeballs your eyes and your imagination and all your body parts i own you see it's written here in the contract you see let's sign the contract okay and we

15:39 do it because we're young and dumb okay so we bring in the legal institution and then we have the religious institution which now makes it moral so if we break the contract we're not like oops it's not a mistake you are now not a good person right because we bought in god now god is in the marriage so god is like bad bad bad

16:10 so when we bring in god and the judge oh my goodness that dries up the vagina right there so before you know it you're not having sex now what now you're not having sex the children are in your bed you the woman is exhausted trust me she's exhausted what is one to do right so you have to figure it out you have to go for counseling you have to go for coaching you have to do the inner work because

16:35 you realize that you didn't know what you were doing you were like i didn't know what i was doing i had a couple children i thought it would be easy my mom said it was easy i shouldn't have believed my mother what was i thinking no problem right there is still hope don't worry there is hope when both in the couple can kind of figure it out right the other day i did a session with the couple

17:00 and i had to send the man out of the room so i could kind of correct the wife and when the husband left i went what are you thinking what were you thinking and i said to her i said your expectations of your partner like he's here and your expectations are here yola like way off and her face fell and i said if you don't begin to expect accept him for who he is and ruin and shred your expectations

17:29 you will not survive this marriage so we enter these relationships because we have expectations based on false premises based on the ego or based on culture we enter relationships based on false expectations and fantasies and ideas around what love is and we don't even know who we are and because of that we have sexual issues and because of that we have

18:01 parenting issues it's natural have compassion if you're experiencing this it's impossible for two people to who are different sexes who don't know each other who don't know themselves to now parent children right so everything comes into the bedroom how your parents treated you your relationship with your body your relationship with sex your relationship with your childhood your relationship with your children understand that the marriage now is no longer between fake self and fake self it's got all the

18:32 baggage in the bedroom so the bedroom becomes the acting out place for all the emotional drama right and because culture has given us so many rules we we become confused about how to go about this thing called marriage and relationships so if you are in a place right now where you're confused the place to begin is this you take a hiatus you take a moratorium and you be you tell your partner i just

19:03 need to figure this out healthy relationships can withstand a break and in that break each one of you needs to do the work on yourselves if you wish to and if you can then you begin to unravel all your childhood conditioning that brought you to this place and let me tell you guys when you do the partner you chose you unconsciously chose let me tell you is the perfect one

19:34 to work on your baggage the reason you chose your partner is because it's an exact replication of the [ __ ] from your childhood i'm telling you at least marriage number one i don't know about two and three but relationship the first intense relationship you have will be a petri dish to repeat your childhood patterns it is the perfect place for you to see how you were living in fake self now that doesn't mean it's a disastrous

20:05 thing because the couple can have enough chemistry or enough commitment to grow through but for the most part you will see that if you don't look in the mirror of the relationship and realize that this is an exact replica of your childhood pattern you won't be able to go forward so if you have a if you have a partner that is willing to look at his or her issues and step into the inner work then you can

20:36 take a time out and begin to explore your deeper self because you're bringing dynamics to the relationship that are inevitable that are impenetrable from childhood so what happens when one person awakens yeah what if it's only me who's doing the work so here's what happens typically is one person wakes up if one even wakes up typically no one wakes up in a couple no one you just go on into

21:07 the it's you're doing the business of the marriage right marriage is a business it's it's the busyness of the day-to-day life it's the business of the busyness right did you do that did you do that and you think you're sharing intimacy but you're just sharing tasks many relationships get watered down to just basic survival because you're exhausted you're dealing with children you're dealing with bills that's understandable no shade on you but when one wakes up

21:37 typically only one does right so it's scary when that one person wakes up and the other person does it because now the one who wakes up is outgrowing the container of the relationship so what i would encourage people who are in that situation to understand that nothing should stop your awakening you cannot regress or [ __ ] your own growth because of a relationship whether with your children whether with your friend whether with your parent or

22:05 your lover your marriage is not more important than your wake up but it's scary because you've been enmeshed you've been codependent you're right you've been in this contract that kind of says we got to grow together understand the marital contract says do death do us part it kind of implies that we're going to grow together right there that's a mythology how can you grow together no two people can grow together

22:36 now you can grow in the same direction and the same pace but each one is growing idiosyncratically you're blessed if you are both growing in the same direction and the same pace so the marital contract is a block to our awareness that we cannot grow together so we shouldn't be afraid when that happens many people panic like oh my goodness i'm growing apart of course you're growing apart everyone is growing apart that is that's life do trees get upset with the

23:07 neighboring tree everybody this direction no trees are always growing in in vivacious ways in vibrant ways so it is with humans we're not supposed to grow together guys now what can we aspire to that both freaking grow but together at the same pace in the same direction is unrealistic it's a fantasy it's a cinderella mythology it doesn't exist

23:37 right a realistic understanding of relationships allows you to see that no we cannot grow together and the best we can do is grow now when a couple is committed to growth right then they both immediately begin to understand that they were in love with an illusion they were filled with fantasy they had enormous expectations of each other and of themselves and these cannot come true

24:08 so somebody asked how will we have kids if we don't get married very easily you don't need to get married if you have a true connection you don't need to get married so what you're saying is that oh i don't believe in the connection so if you don't believe in the connection don't have children we should be able to have children without the legal contract that speaks to the binding nature of our connection the fact that we need marriage means

24:34 that we don't feel strength in the connection right people think that marriage is the ultimate pedestal of a long-term commitment i say it's the anti-podesta right it shows that you're actually not committed a true connected relationship doesn't need a marriage you don't need it culture has told us that we need it that's fine you can do it but that's not the prerequisite it doesn't mean anything right so now when two people in the in the relationship begin to do the work

25:03 they begin to realize that each one came with brokenness each one came with emptiness each one came looking to be filled within the container of the relationship and now they can begin to truly understand each other so true love is freedom true love is unequivocal acceptance true love is clarity negotiation communication right how many couples really communicate about what they like in bed

25:34 about how their needs should be met they don't do it because they themselves are not aware of how to meet their own needs so you have to ask yourself do i want to be authentic do i want to be honest or do i want to be married right now you can elevate your marriage into authenticity but don't compromise your authenticity because you want to stay married so relationships are at their best when both people understand that it is

26:06 not based on longevity but it is based on connection it is based on growth it is based on transparency and that doesn't mean we have to think alike feel alike grow alike it doesn't mean that but it does mean that we got to grow so the ideal relationship which you want to ideally have is with a partner that values inner growth that is and should be the only key

26:39 ingredient an awakened mind is the answer to all our issues so you're probably in a relationship with a partner who doesn't communicate or partner who doesn't want to do the inner work and that becomes really frustrating when we women don't feel we can communicate when we women don't feel we are understood no sex sorry i tell all men do you want to have sex at night why are you talking over your wife why aren't you zipping it

27:10 and nodding your head and trying to understand do you want sex or do you not want sex but the men don't understand because they keep talking rubbish right so i go okay that's it i can't help you anymore i really i was trying but you're actually now not gonna have sex for a week do you understand what you just did you said the wrong thing so men don't understand because men in general in general in general not the

27:39 men on this chat in general are trained and conditioned to not be connected right men are trained and conditioned to be very cerebral to be protectors and providers and to go and hunt so they have to go into the head just to survive but we women we are breastfeeders we are givers we are nurturers so we go inward and we connect so part of our biology is our advantage but don't blame the guy it's not part of his biology and not

28:10 part of his conditioning so here you are you know you married to this guy perhaps who is a poor communicator and you're like banging your head against the wall well don't blame him because he just didn't learn right he didn't understand what it means to be a communicator so a lot of our relationships fall apart because of our unrealistic expectations like what were we thinking so the guy is like before we had we were committed she was having sex all the

28:38 time now she's not having sex at all yeah because you're not communicating you stop talking you stop taking your flowers you stop paying attention you go there and you sit on the couch and you watch your game no and he's like no i tried to give her flowers but she doesn't want to have sex yeah guess what it takes a lot to get a woman excited you didn't realize that she was horny for you now she's not now she's seeing

28:58 you as the eight-year-old you are everything is dry you have to work harder so men don't understand who women are and women are like he doesn't communicate right he doesn't come he doesn't know how to talk he's just like his mom oh my goodness right because once the facade of the horniness fades you're like who am i with right the guy is thinking he's going to get like oh great sex and the woman is like oh i got my marrying my best friend

29:27 he's my best friend what okay so anyway you know i'm just kidding about men and women but it's a problem so we have to really be aware we have to really be aware of what we're entering guys okay we really don't have realistic fantasies we really expect a lot especially we women i mean really what are we expecting like do we do you understand who the typical male is

29:59 like not only in his wiring but in his conditioning the typical male it's not his fault i'm talking lovely to men i mean i know i'm sounding like i'm denigrating them i'm understanding that and a really authentic man will say yeah i don't want to talk you know there's a there's a meme of a man clipping grass with a clipper and it says i told my wife i would talk to her after mowing the lawn she wanted to talk to me so i told her

30:28 after i mow the lawn and he's mowing the lawn with the clipper you know because he doesn't want to talk he doesn't want to talk you know every male partner i've been with when i say we need to talk he's like oh really like really now this week this year why we just talked last year why do we have to talk again like no but but we women we're like that's what turns us on but then we need to maybe go to our

30:51 girlfriends right we maybe maybe maybe we shouldn't be thinking and you're like but he used to talk to me when we were dating i'm like yeah because he had a goal he was hunting he wanted to get the the gazelle in the cage and you're like horrif when i say that to women they're like what it was just for that i said well has he stopped talking to you since he got you they're like yeah i'm like aha hunt is

31:16 over sorry guys i mean i i think guys will agree with me you know guys are not in this to talk guys are not in this too like connect this is a female need not a guy need right why do they have the man cave and the man dungeon and why do men go away on boys trips and they should fishing according to them but again see it's fishing hunting a strip club this is where they are again

31:42 you know this is their level we women want deep connection right no we should go to guys for the horniness the horniness factor and then say bye bye and then go to the women to talk to connect to have deep deep connection right anyway i'm just saying what it is so we have unrealistic fantasies about relationships and because of these unrealistic fantasies you know males and females who haven't evolved who haven't discovered who it is they are trying to be in an evolved

32:12 relationship i mean like hello what are we thinking but what it is is that we're conditioned you see we're conditioned to find our prince charming i mean i'm just like speechless right my 18 year old would tell me why are guys so dumb i'm you know and again i'm not putting guys down they are going to evolve later later always later so wherever you are there later but it's

32:43 not even that that's not who they are that's not who they are so my daughter will be like i want a committed relationship i'm like with an 18 year old boy like what are you thinking please like go with a 28 year old i mean no 48 year old guy no so anyway we have to really understand the male and female psyche and how our conditioning is setting us up for unrealistic expectations and therefore failure and therefore suffering right it

33:14 is not the male's fault and it is not the female's fault it is our conditioning fault we enter relationships you know you do to get your needs met there is no such thing okay they can try to meet your needs but if your needs are bottomless pit or a a bucket with holes how can they meet your needs so at the end of the day the relationship becomes an echo of how you need to meet your own needs

33:43 right that is the key that's why i said you cannot grow together and you cannot grow it at the same pace but you got to grow so relationships where there is no growth will ultimately stagnate will ultimately end up as some sort of quibbling back and forth brother-sister relationship because it will fall back to the old pattern okay so i'm going to take some questions i have your questions on this phone okay navigating the awakening process with

34:11 your partner should we take a break while doing the work yes advisable but it doesn't have to be a physical break you can just take an emotional break you can both make a commitment to doing the work with private therapists or coaches on the weekend right what what awakening means is that you make the time and you dedicate the effort to look at your patterns because if you don't the patterns will overtake override and obscure

34:42 our childhood patterns are deadly what is this women want money first and foremost they're shopping for lifestyle like i am looking for sex very honest that's part of it that could be part of it right no joke i have so many women coming to me going you know i'm looking for a wealthy guy but then but then they're like oh i want love i'm like uh okay you want love or you want wealth you know it's not it's not necessarily

35:10 either or but it's kind of what you put first right so what are we putting first guys right we're not honest with ourselves you know oh i want love you know but then he has to be this he has to be that he has to be this he has to be that so i you know so then be honest about your list right the other day i was with a friend for dinner who's single and i was like show me your

35:33 list okay because he's like i have a list the list i swear to you had categories number one set of categories and then 10 more and in each category there were like 20 things and i looked at him i said you must think you're a superstar because you think you're gonna get all this like who do you think you are do you live on the moon like are you special and his face fell and he was like why do you think

35:59 this is unrealistic i said it is compared to you and he was he threw through the napkin at me so here's another thing we do guys we have unrealistic expectations and we are not that in order to even touch upon your expectations guys you got to be that you understand you got to be that whatever you want in the other

36:29 you got to be it you can't just want it no oh i made my list that is a whole bunch of [ __ ] okay your list is just showing that you're grandiose i want money i want cute i want nice i want compassion i want evolved i want communicator i want intel educated and his mother should be amazing and is this what now don't make a list for who you want make a list for what you're not and how

36:58 you need to evolve and how you need to go on a quest in a journey you know what arrogance people have all of us me included i want this you know no are you that and i look at some people i go you're not that you know just by how women say they want wealthy men sometimes oh i need my man to be successful uh and i'm like um when is the last time you had a

37:22 job are you successful but women think that they're entitled to successful men you see what i mean and then men they're like oh i want a hot wife and i'm like have you seen your punch like where's your hotness i don't see it now part of it is biological yes we're wired to want the protector and they're wired to want the hot chick but hello have you seen yourself you know you have to become that so

37:46 everyone wants the fancy thing and wants amazing communication but on their own are none of those things you know so how are you going to do that yes i said good luck attracting a perfect woman good luck indeed anyway so when you do the work it's it's it's a good idea to take a break because you need to do the work and to do the work you have to take a time out okay next question importance of sex in a relationship

38:15 is it really needed what is the role of sex in life itself aside from reproduction what is the point of sex so is sex needed in a relationship we're talking about an intimate relationship i imagine and not with a friend so if you are in a relationship called a relationship called an intimate relationship which is not your brother-sister relationship or not a relationship with your dog then i would imagine sex is the only defining factor right what makes a relationship intimate

38:44 you know i my housekeeper comes every day i practically live with my housekeeper but it's not an intimate relationship right but i could be in an intimate relationship with someone else what is the defining factor is really sex right isn't it like that is really the linchpin so is it needed no but then it's not an intimate relationship but it's okay it's not a bad marriage most marriages are not intimate most marriages are not intimate that

39:09 doesn't make it a bad marriage just know that you are not in an intimate relationship right the other day i was with my with my friend who's in a marriage that doesn't have sex and she's like she keeps calling it a marriage i said can you say marriage but no sex it's not a marriage technically you're in a marriage because there's a sexual component right if it isn't then say marriage without sex no problem great marriage most

39:33 marriages are without sex at least in my country like everyone is sleeping separately different lives because it's a social contract so in a healthy sexual relationship sex is very important yes and uh sex in the human is both for reproduction and for pleasure right we humans enact sex for pleasure we have erogenous zones

40:03 that are highly pleasurable people have pleasure out of their toes right foot fetishes our body is highly pleasurable so sex is beautiful sex is pleasurable sex is enjoyable but because culture has put such taboos around sex we don't know how to handle it and religion right in orthodox religious groups sex is only to enact god's will for procreation so one in one out bang bang bang thank you ma'am bye bye right

40:36 the human body is wired for desire and for sex as being pleasurable this is what makes us unique very unique they're not many primates that have face-to-face sex like we do not many primates do what we do it's beautiful it's has high potential there's nothing um blasphemous or shameful about it so why do we see totally unmatched couples when one is wealthy and the other is gorgeous they're not equals well that kind of couple is is a very

41:09 transactional couple and it's very prototypical it's based on biology right women want providers men want sex so they want the sexual object and women want the money you know the resources it's all over the animal kingdom nothing scandalous about it it is the way of biology so don't look at that couple as oh look at that it's very natural it's very typical however that couple shouldn't act like it's not you know that couple should

41:40 enact this is high love no it's transactional and most relationships are transactional okay most relationships are not high love we'll talk about high love maybe tomorrow again how to empower to how to be empowered in a relationship when you are an empath so an empath needs to understand that they can be extremely harmful to themselves because empaths typically don't have good boundaries because empaths are trained to be

42:12 they are empathic by nature but they are also people pleasers and because they're people pleasers they have poor boundaries so empaths need to realize that their part of their development is to grow boundaries is to grow the masculine spirit in them and to employ the masculine energy to have boundaries okay next question i'm single and happy is this possible how to explain it to others if you're single and happy own it claim it you don't have to get

42:41 married you don't have to be a parent marriage is not for everybody parenthood is not for everybody please it is so not for everybody and owning that it's not for you is an empowered choice you can make and don't succumb to to cultures ways because culture says you need to be married culture says you need to have children it's an institution that says you need to your instinct about who you are is more

43:12 important than what culture says so for all of you out there who are not following culture's ways if you're gay if you're bi if you're polyamorous don't fall into the trap of feeling you need to be in this little narrow box that culture calls a good relationship you have the right and the freedom to enact your own life and if you can be single and happy all of us want to be you okay all of us

43:39 okay all of us who did the marriage thing we go oh my goodness why didn't anyone tell me what this was about okay um why is a toxic relationship so seductive um the only reason why any toxic relationship sticks and is seductive is because it is a recreation of your past because it is a replay of your old patterns that's why it sticks and that's dangerous

44:10 right if you're in a in a dangerous dysfunctional relationship and you're feeling the magnetic attraction to dysfunction that means you are in a pattern and the best relationships are the non-toxic ones the non-dysfunctional ones where it's kind of boring not sexually boring just no drama right where there's peace where there's harmony where there's flow where this uh synergy where there's compassion and an understanding of each other

44:42 those are the most powerful whole relationships so if you are in a dysfunctional relationship and finding yourself in this dramatic pattern and feeling like the endorphins are at a high it's because this is how your childhood was you know you were on highs and lows and this became your addiction that became your safe zone you're like that's what a relationship is fight and make up and all this turbulence and but that is not healthy and you need to get

45:11 help right away so um so this is another question how do you stay in a relationship when you are trying to evolve and awaken and there's so much changing between us or just in me so i get this question all the time it's hard because our current relationship models are based on longevity but along the way one of the other changes so how do you how do you manage and negotiate right that's why the relationship model needs

45:38 to change from a longevity based model to a growth based model we have to make a paradigm shift so that when we're entering the marriage and we're taking our vows we do not take a vow for sickness and in health till that do us part we take the vow for sickness and in health for this moment forward for this moment now right we we become aware that it's moment-to-moment based we give ourselves the freedom and the

46:05 understanding and the release and the permission and the freedom to evolve the current paradigm of the marriage doesn't allow for evolution it doesn't allow for changing the mind or changing our sexuality or our interests it doesn't allow for it and therefore it is a control based model based on scarcity and fear it's really hard for people to understand this but it is and you only realize this when you begin to evolve as long as two people are staying the

46:33 same no one really feels it but catch it catch one evolving first and foremost many of the men who quote unquote cheat have already realized that they have no room to be honest and transparent therefore they start cheating because there's no room for them to be in an honest dynamic so they're already cheating it's just a matter of getting caught and then when they get caught everything blows up as if they are the worst people in the world but they're

46:57 not they're caught in a dynamic which was based on ownership and possession and control which they did not bargain for they didn't understand what they were signing up for so if we understand that the marriage model needs to evolve to a growth based model then when you evolve and the other person doesn't then you allow for that you are compassionate you're not angry with them and they're not angry with you and each

47:27 of you allow the other to release so the best relationships are those that are compassionate that understand that there is no ownership there is no possession there is no control only understanding only evolution only growth these are the best relationships but we can only enter those relationships when you enter that with yourself so i'm going to do part two of relationships uh sometime this week tomorrow i'm doing an ig live with a

47:58 wonderful woman she's the author of this book and we're going to talk about her journey and i'm i'm gonna keep coming here and taking your questions and having great discussions i cannot wait to see you next time probably tomorrow and uh take more questions and help you delve deeper into the concepts of a radical awakening get the book bye guys thank you for joining me