How to Reduce Separation Anxiety in Children?

0:00 pearl hunt and I'm the interim CEO of hand-in-hand parenting and welcome to listening to parents everything you wanted to know about parenting but you were too afraid to ask and Hannity on parenting our focus is warm loving families our parents are supported you listen with respect people are always first we're open and honest about our feelings and we appreciate each and every one of you the current events have affected people around the world in different ways in the Hannah

0:29 diem approach of listening connecting and being patient is even now more than ever children and families experience separations in their life every day whether it's a day care drop-off divorce a death in the family immigration or other situations these separations can be hard and even traumatic for everyone anything today we are giving we are tackling the topic of separations and giving you helpful hints and tools from henan and parenting on how to deal with these feelings that come up during these

1:01 difficult times today I'm honored to be joined by Mary Lou Bay one of our certified instructors she describes herself as a Mexican mother living in the US with her husband and her two beautiful children my Lupe thank you so much for joining us today thank you the honor is mine the honor is mine I lost talking about having had the fun of my passions and this topic is very dear to my heart I've worked with this

1:29 topic in my own family with my daughter's in myself and I think it's so relevant today because having hand offers support tools lots of encouragement but today I think we are offering something really really crucial which is hope yes how bad um separations as hard as they are can be overcome and this is why we're here so the honor is mine and I really want to thank every single person who's listening to this because it speaks volumes that they're

2:00 here because they want to see what we have to offer it today so thank you thank you thank you so much for joining us and why don't we start with a real simple question well simple but also very complex so why is separation I'm so difficult for children and parents and everyone involved yes great question no separations big or small can be really hard on children because we're social animals were social creatures and we depend on each other we rely on each

2:31 other our brains grow and sync with each other and this is exactly why one of the worst possible punishments in a prison is solitary confinement we are designed to be in sync with each other being by each other felt by each other and our brains actually grow and thrive when we are in sync with each other so especially when we're little and when we're vulnerable we depend so much on others to take care of us so much that if we don't have

3:01 someone taking care of us through loving us making sure that we're okay we note that we don't survive that's as simple as that and we know that deep deep down we know that so when we're little we are constantly scanning the environment like a radar our ring has a huge portion called the limbic system that's designed mostly for that to see am i safe am i seen are you here with me we depend so much on the adults to love us and to

3:27 care for us that we need to know that we are attuned and connected and in sync with them almost all the time to feel safe to feel like we can be okay you can relax we're okay in this one so when the separation happens it can be a small separation or a big separation this can send an alarm in the system saying hey wait a minute where's my adult am I gonna survive am i okay and

3:53 this is why I told her can really freak out when somebody knocks on the door and you you break that sense of connection that you were just establishing we were playing with them so separations can have a big impact even in when we're discoverable especially when were so little because we're vulnerable and small separations can be I don't know you can can see how how they are affecting our children and big separations like the ones you were

4:21 mentioning when there's an adoption when there's a death in the family when you lose those can make a big and in the sense of safety and they don't just evaporate all those fears can accumulate and the beautiful news is that we can overcome that we can help them they have tremendous power as parents and caregivers to help our children overcome that and expel it from their system so there's not interfering with those mics but they think this is

4:47 what we're going for today right right it's exactly what we're going for today and you know let me start off with the question that probably a lot of parents are asking I know that you know as I said before on our show of a 23 year old daughter she's just 23 a couple weeks ago and one of the things that she came to me with was that she was having a really difficult time seeing those images on the news it was bringing up a

5:14 lot of big feelings for her so how would you suggest that a parent approach that when a child comes to them and they're kind of attached in their own fears and worries about separation to those things that they're seeing in the news yeah so ideally they will be watching these things in the news but things happen and kids through them so I think the main thing for a child to know is that they're safe so the first thing I would

5:42 try to do is to reassure the child verbally that you are okay and right here with you and it I think it depends on the age of the child and how much the child is asking I wouldn't expose them too much to to hard news in any traumatic event and you try to explain things in a way that's truthful but also to their level so you don't give them more information than the one they're asking you can say stuff like we are we

6:10 are trying to figure things out we're working really hard to make sure things like this don't happen anymore just to see if this is a child has been exposed to the news it's different if the child has actually suffered this separation I think it would be a little different but I would try to give as much reassurance I could that things will be better that we are working really hard we could say stuff like mm-hm sometimes adults haven't found a way yet

6:37 to make things work and we can do better and working really hard to make sure that you were and then this there's one point about talking that can be reassuring but there's another feeling that it's not going to go away with the verbal reassurance that I'm going to do so here's where the beautiful and intentions can come into play because we tackle that feeling in the limbic system more than the blah blah blah we could do

7:02 that it is important we do need to reassure children as much as we can as best as we can but here's where laughter and play and special time we we do their magic because this is where the child feels safe eel soon feels like they matter and then of course in traumatic separation so you've been in small separation this is for the beautiful tool of stay listening which is when we stay and listen to the passionate

7:29 feelings this is where the true healing can happen because all those fears when they're locked in their systems aren't interfering with with their everyday life and they're popping up in unexpected ways sometimes it's obvious that our child is suffering from separation when a toddler who's clinging to your to your leg and it's dropped off at preschool it's obvious that the working separation with sometimes separation can be interfering in other ways that are not so obvious so a child

8:00 is aggressive a child who's really picky or rigid or not wanting to share or having a lot of trouble getting ready in the morning for school it's not that they don't know how to do that or they want to really be annoying or to push our button this is that sometimes maybe it could be that I'm really actually afraid of bleeding or this is where you see really long bad time that mommy I need another story mommy I need some

8:29 water daddy like where are you so sometimes issues that I don't look like they're related related directly to separation can we actually we feel but deep sense of oh my god what am I gonna do if you're not here with me so when we reassure with special time when we reassure with playfulness and laughter we plump their sense of safety in the world and if we allow big feelings of separation to come out of their system when they're crying

8:58 passionately when they're having a big tantrum about I don't want to lose you that's where the healing happens because those yucky feelings that were interfering with them can actually be expelled so as I was saying before we have tremendous power to help them heal we do need a lot of support and good information and this is a hand in hand can come in and this is why we're here for but the beautiful thing is that traumatic events traumatic separations

9:24 and small separations can be healed can be expelled and they're not going to evaporate on their own not with age and I've seen them from you've seen it two adults were carrying tremendous amount of debris in your emotional backpack and the beauty of it even if adults we can feel that I've done that personally working on underneath and huge separation that happened when I was little and also I've seen it with my girls and it's those things that I used

9:51 to those words that I used to describe them as anxious or shy or angry sometimes rigid they don't they don't apply to them because they were not they're not but they're real qualities this was just a fear that that would try to again reassure the reassured children that were taking care of them and be the most calm voice that I could find and I would also encourage parents to use another one of my listening to little

10:19 choose to support each other through listening partnerships because this all this wonderful tools are very healing and very powerful but not easy because we are carrying our own emotional baggage around these issues and when we have a chance to upload all the frustration or the fear will the rage with another adult who can listen without judgment without advice just offering space for for our feelings to have a safe place to go after we clear them then we can come to our children

10:49 and offer that playfulness that laughter or that safe space so that they can show their passionate feel and conquer them and expel them what's up that's actually really really helpful and I'm glad to hear that what I did was the right thing you know I really my daughters in Fullerton so I was able to really listen to her and get out sweeties to talk about how it was really upsetting for her we have a bunch of

11:15 people watching all over and we had a question in our comments so I want to first of all encourage people to ask questions we have Julie Anjana from our staff who are answering questions and the facebook comments but I wanted to address a question Kathleen Babli Katherine asked about she has a three-year-old going through it people keep going back and forth to kids and she was asking about if there were

11:45 articles that were that we had in writing but I thought maybe that could address this because when it comes to you know shared parenting which he and let me just say I think that every a child who goes through of course we got family deserves to be both parents and equal in long time it's important for the who they are I think that it's also difficult though to you for them so can you address how maybe we can use the

12:11 hand in hand tools to address that anxiety or that separation that they might go through now yeah so separations are hard for little children that's that's for sure but the beauty of it is we can repair the sense of connection we can repair it again and again so I would try when it's my turn to have the beautiful child with me I would start by offering special time which is a set of a set amount of time that you say what

12:36 you say sweetie have you decide to time five minutes ten minutes but when you say I'm right here for you what do you want to do and you bring all the delights and you bring all the love that you have for this precious being that sir child and you follow their lead and they let you they show you their world and they let you know what the world is about and when they're seen in this way

13:00 when they're felt that way this is exactly the type of attention that they're craving and this is where the attention that they they're wanting every single minute you cannot give this every single minute but how about for ten minutes you forget about the phone you forget about the laundry you you really devote yourself to be there and to be delighted by their presence and of course they take it all in and this is what feels and fuel defensive connection

13:29 the sense of well-being the sense of Pi I'm cared for I am valuable I matter and from this place they can feel how much you love them sometimes separations the interesting thing about separation in room and children could still feel a sense of separation so I would just reconnect and reconnect that was great thank you so much I know that you know a lot of parents go through that and it's sometimes hard when you see your kids

13:59 going through that upsetness and you know encouraging them what you're saying um to have that special time would be as a fantastic any other question so we have a question about a little boy it looks like our little girl he is sick and they're very keen on being with the father so there's so many very keen with the being with the father or the mother are attested child care person he continually asked not to go to school

14:28 even though he's often having fun it appears that being in a group of anytime is really difficult for him as far as they can tell he would never voluntarily go or do a class like swimming her art class unless they were there too the question is how do they encourage him to try and do these great things without them being there yeah so this sounds to me like like is what we call an emotional project there are

14:57 hearts that can be easily offloaded not easily but in in a short period of time and there are issues that are fears that are big and they need and require many many emotional episodes in order to be cleared and they can be cleared completely but this is what it looks to me like it's not like an emotional project that takes several several emotional moments and my emotional moments I mean expressions of laughter or expressions of deep grief and tears

15:26 and tantrums and of course this is not easy but it requires many of the tools together so it's a different like a multi-step approach I would try to propose the idea let's let's try this new class let's try this new group without actually enforcing it right away but you're the proposal if this idea could bring the feeling if I can because it's not for you even in those moments when you stay and you listen to that you little by

15:51 little he could be offloading all that tension until it's it's not there anymore so I would start also with play because play and laughter pains away beautifully for the deep feelings that are hiding to come out more easily so I would I would maybe engage in a little bit of play listening in which you the adults are the one that's afraid and you can't even approach the gym classes penny has described beautifully with with one of her I think granddaughters

16:21 about like oh I can't go to the classes they've been you the adult can pretend to be so so scared and just peek out peek into the door and run away because this is too hard so you are taking a less powerful role while they laugh and that laughter can be really feeling so I would try to pave the way with laughter to try to propose the idea and see where feelings come and when feelings do come

16:43 makes me play that because this is where the kidding happens and sometimes I've seen this with my daughter as well it's not like school he's not a good place it's not like they could not have fun is that she had so much fear around it that she couldn't even enjoy this beautiful opportunity they were there for her so sometimes our children would love to be able to participate stuff like that but they're just saying I can't this is too

17:07 hard because this is what fear is letting some is impeding is not it's interfering with them and they cannot fully enjoy sweet environment around you class or a new hoof so things can be overcome sometimes they just take up a lot of time though and this is what we call an emotional project several cries about the same issue with the same intensity until they clear and now as that were able to say really quickly my daughter used to be terrified terrified

17:34 of drop-off very nice preschool and she would she would throw up from some panic she completely desperate so he took it took some months I did my own emotional work with my listening partnerships around my own offering it was hard for me to go to this fabulous preschool how hard it was to separate from my mommy even though she worked in the same school and after doing my emotional work and listening to her and playing around it we came to a

18:03 point maybe one or two months later into which she just ran to the playground with where they started school ones just stay by mommy like see ya I don't know I was crying for like hey do you miss me she just feel the safety because she clear that from her system yeah that's brilliant well you know and it sounds like you've done a lot of emotional work on an emotional project for your daughter an emotional work for yourself and

18:31 that's really what it is about its understanding your own fears and concerns are things that happen in your own childhood because those kind of reflect and bounce onto your own parenting and it's it's it's amazing when you're able to really clear it and connect with your case in that way another agenda here so my my almost two and a half year old is very clingy and wants me to constantly play an

19:01 entertainer and no joy and and the other heart as it's never in being playing with her for me to her communication skills are good so she talked all day long and is constantly asking questions as soon as I answer one question the next question just comes automatically know what kind of behavior so that sounds really familiar because one of my daughter used to do that and when I learned from patty that sometimes when the children talk and talk and talk

19:29 they're actually trying to tamp feelings down and by talking and talking with it's just a way of managing feeling that's what I want like this this is why so when when a child is clinging and talking and occupying space and meeting your attention and like I need you there could be a feeling they're around separation about like I cannot survive if I have your attention in my daughter's case it's them from her own sir because these difficult experiences

19:59 when we're so vulnerable we can impact the way our Persis reality and there's this limbic system and we're talking about it's active and very accurate since we were born so there are memories that we're not conscious about but then that they are actually interfering with the way we see life in her during her birth she had this experience that was pretty traumatic for her about if I don't have my mom's attention I might die so everything was everything had the same

20:27 taste in inter toddlerhood in her infancy about I need the attention or I can't survive that was not the case now but it was the way she perceived reality so little separations she she couldn't handle if I gave my attention to something else she couldn't handle it so he didn't look like he was about separation but it stemmed from this big fear that was like imprinted in her brain when she was even being born so big separations when we're so vulnerable

20:53 I don't know if this beautiful child had a difficult birth or Hospital interventions or kids who have to go through through adoption all these big things are there in the brain and we might no be conscious about it but those are the ones that could be interfering years later when we have a toddler who's clingy or or a picky eater or a poor sleeper and so when the child is clingy is basically saying I cannot feel safe

21:20 if you're not with me so again this looks like another emotional project that might take a while but stay listening is where where this beautiful child can offload that feeling and you could practice separating the child just like slightly insane sweetie I'm not gonna hold you right now when you're in a good emotional state to listen to feeling and the child is gonna flip because they're gonna really believe for a moment I cannot survive if I'm not clinging to your leg and you can

21:47 listen to that and you can help and see that you are okay right here you're safe and then let them just lose it completely and the more panicky that you look the more you're going to think Ava's guys that kind of hungry crazy but the more they're actually working on the heavy feeling if I cannot survive an attention but then after this emotional storm passes and it could take a while especially when there's deep fear involved you could take like more than

22:13 half an hour is normal an hour of the passionate feeling expression which is by the way the the mechanism that we naturally have that we haven't understood in our society but this is our natural way our bodies don't want to carry all those feelings we have an and just a inborn beautiful process to get rid of them just like we have a digestive system that gets rid of what we don't need we have a an emotional

22:39 system that wants to get rid of all those things so when we allow for that process to unfold with calm and with space then they come to the other side and then they think they can actually see that oh I did survive or oh okay I'm actually safe with Daddy - or vice versa I'm safe with mommy like they can see for themselves like I am okay I survived and then they might you might see a

23:05 beautiful changes afterwards after the episode you're gonna see a child who can't play independently for a walk or that has that developmental leap so you see miraculous things when you allow for the natural process to unfold and this is again what we call stay listening you know Toddie talks about this antidote where there was a child who had been in an orphanage and the mother had adopted and they were part of a playgroup that Patti was doing with the parents and the

23:34 child she really couldn't have focused on but playing with other kids and being able to separate from the mother and this little boy had you know was just clinging on to his mother that and Patti was encouraging him to you know kind of slowly each time the thing I've got to have gotten together to be a little bit further away further away and what we don't think about is that you know like you were saying their past things that

24:03 have happened even at the child at the time is super safe they're in a great loving home they're connected with their parents that are still affecting them she went on to talk about how this little boy at some point was further away from his mother and the mother was still in the room howdy was holding on to him and he just burst into tears crying crying crying letting that emotion out just look you know it's following that emotion and then looked

24:29 at partying said I was in the orphanage and I cried and cried and cried 80% and then he cried some more and then I think it she said about ten minutes later he was off running but the kids in a totally different room playing and that has never ever happened before so we know that these hidden hand tools work we know that they clear you're living proof we have multiple stories a living proof you also know that it's

24:59 difficult to be parent and that parent support is a huge thing for us to be able to go through it and you can do that through listening time you have an amazing parent club here on Facebook and on the web that people can join for a small amount of money to be able to address problems suddenly about separation but you know problems all types of problems but today we're addressing those separation problems I have one that actually I'm sure a lot of

25:26 parents go through my child keeps on coming into our bed at night and no one is to see well what can I do to make that stop and have them in their own bed okay so please haha another big topic right so sleepy separation right there like we know that we're gonna lose consciousness even if we're sharing the same room or the same bed we're going to separate and that can be truly frightening because when were sleeping we are not in control

25:54 of our emotions like we can keep them down if we have big feelings that are interfering with our life at least we can keep them down with rigidity or we can attempt to keep them down but when we're asleep we can't so it's really scary it means I'm gonna separate I'm gonna lose consciousness so of course many many children fear separation fear sleep so there's a few things we could do there's again another emotional project here and a very counterintuitive to what

26:26 you've heard idea that I love about parenting my connection is that you can actually plump their sense of connection right before bed with roughhousing with the giggles with pillow fights with with laughter because laughter relaxes and they can feel okay um well I don't know like we can feel their cup with special time or with roughhousing and this type of playing that's active because that actually can relax the system and let them know you're safe you're seeing you belong because we feel

26:58 like we belong when we laugh together and then that this could be a good and good segue into sleeping believe it or not but then if the feelings are actually huge how also after playing they're gonna come up right away because the fear and laughter don't click this right I've heard that before but then when we're laughing and laughing and laughing it paves the way for the deeper feelings that are behind to come up so it's very common guys wide

27:27 after roughhousing in special time with having lots of fun then your child's gonna find a small pretext to have big big big prize and then he comes all this out full of passionate feeling that this is what actually needs to come out and when we have that when we provide that before bed then they can have better night sleep again this is not gonna happen overnight but it's a process about connecting paving the way with laughter and connection so the big

27:54 feelings that are interfering can be expelled once or expelled it's like removing a panel from your shoe you can walk straight he's not bothering you and then you can be just super to me free and relieved so yeah sleep that's a huge one also here at home and it stems from from the same fear of separation it's the same thing yeah definitely I know that I know that roughhousing and that physical activity the laughter really does help

28:20 before bedtime is something that we use here and making sure that that sleep confidence we talk about you know one of the things that my older daughter had was she had a great sleep confident she singing herself to sleep she read a little book until she would fall asleep but then asked when I went through my divorce she was older as a middle schooler all of a sudden she ended up in my bed about 95 percent at the time that she was with

28:45 me and now looking back on it I know that it's that separation anxiety that was going on in her mind and that's a big thing so no smart so I haven't got a question it's about grandparents well kind of about grandparents we'll come around to the question so it's my son refuses to be left biggest friend canons and it breaks their heart you know three and it's happy at their house as long as we're there but if you try to leave he gets

29:16 really angry and refuses to stay and it's just so nasty and it's people for the entire family what is so yes again this is one of the circumstances in which the house of the grandparents it's a lovely place and he would actually enjoy it if fear was not interfering with with this proposal of let's go to see Grandma and Grandpa so big emotions need to be shed and offloaded before he can feel that safety and that love and just walk into that

29:48 house I had a friend dropping off her son and he could not enjoy any of the things that we had we had play we had snacks we had up warned the whole nurturing environment so the first thing I did when he came to me and his mom had to leave was just say listening and nice they listened and he was angry and he was saying he missed his mommy and he couldn't be okay and he didn't refuse

30:16 the snack mentor sat down and they just listened and listening to all he had to say if he was very passionate he wanted to check the door and I gently stopped him from kicking the door and I'd reassured him there mommy will turn back so in this particular case I would try to propose the idea let's go to Grandma and Grandpa before I actually have to really go so I would I would provide extra time maybe 15 minutes I would

30:40 start by doing some type of play to warm up the relationship and the connection to bring that sense of connection really really to a strong level and and right after play I would say sweetie let's get your shoes on it's time to go to Nana and when you're really when you don't really have to go right then but maybe you have to go in an hour so I would provide time for the emotional release at home so that Nana and ramp I don't

31:06 have to witness all that because we can't explain also like this is not about youth who loves yet but we love you and we're working and this you can explain your plan but it's also witness when a child is rejecting you they're not really rejecting you and what they say you don't have to take the face value because it's not true it's just a fear coming out and I'm sure that after many episodes or a few

31:29 episodes of I don't want to go I can't be there they're mean I can't be without you and on this emotional episodes and the tantruming and the passionate crying when when we allow for that to clear this is like the cleansing mechanism that's going to allow for him to see oh I'm actually safe and actually I had a great time again I've seen it many many times like kids who can enjoy and take all that love and I guess I would

31:55 explain to the grandparents what I'm trying to do and I will try to provide opportunities for the child to upload when they're not there but sometimes actually the kids needs to be right there to feel that feeling kind of load them that would try to explain and make them for that time I did that with my daughter in preschool I would arrive way before the starting time of the day and then we just when she would see that

32:17 fence you start freaking out so again it looks like an emotional project but it's totally doable hey answer I have some more questions and then I want to shift it in a couple minutes but let's ah let's finish with these questions if anyone who's watching us online has any questions please feel free to put them down in the comments below and we'll be able to not only answer the questions you're live with mare Lupe but also we

32:44 have staff that will be able to answer answer really quickly before we answer the next question um we have Facebook clubs like this that happened often at least once a month with patty with where our founder we have one on Tuesday in our parent club and it's a part of the parent club you get that and in hang on live basically free in the parent club where you're able to ask the creator of this great tool questions about the

33:13 techniques so and our certified instructors like nearly BAE who are who have gone through the training to be able to ask them question so I have a in here about us a little boy he's born in half and he doesn't like to talk to adults our children outside of his immediate family and close friends he sit next to someone he doesn't know even if the mother or the father is on the other side of them I figured he will

33:40 become more confident over time but now I'm wondering if there's fear behind this behavior and how can I help he said yeah probably probably because fear does not dissipate or evaporate and some people say oh kids will grow out of it but when there's fear involved you cannot outgrow it it's there I mean I've seen like very old adults carrying less amounts of fear I have my myself have worked and massive amounts of feeling fear that I have been carrying since I'm

34:07 a baby and I'm like oh okay I feel liberated after releasing them so there's probably theory it's a it's a good guess we cannot know for sure but it looks like it because children naturally want to engage and want to cooperate and one's food for their environment and they do when they have like a good emotional release releases over time so I guess I would approach it again slowly sometimes just to propose a little bit we're gonna see Johnny today

34:33 he's gonna come for playdate I don't just to propose the idea of moving out of the comfort zone that sometimes he's did not to bring feelings and that's actually perfect you can actually have to go and then put the kid and then making like push him but just to bring him close to the edge of that beer and when they can feel it with you next to them which is K of course or no and we're not trying to frighten children

34:58 we're trying to to be with them as they expel the fear that they have inside so this is why we need to be as calm as possible as confident that this is gonna be okay even if it looks so difficult to see your child in the throes of fear when they're expelling it it looks devastating because they're gonna be it's gonna be us Isis wet and wild they're gonna be shutting their eyes and arching their backs and screaming and

35:24 this is just the body getting rid of tension we are another thing before we're mammals and we're designed to expel it they say that so mammals in the wild after their they were almost attacked by a lion or whatever a predator they they survive but then they go and shake and tremble this is this is their natural mechanism to get rid of trauma we are one of a few species if not the only one that actually carries all those

35:49 experiences with them because we've been told for centuries that we need to repress them and then a tantrum is bad and that crying is it's gonna make us hurt but it's actually the opposite it's like crying is what heals our hurt and those Tantrums are very loud and agitated movements are designed to expel those feelings from our systems so we can be liberated you see in children after those episodes um you see them like ah like some weight

36:15 has been lifted and and there's a shift that happened from the brain when we float feelings we can see more clearly we can try again and we here in resilience so where the child who's afraid of something it would propose just that but it's but slowly I mean it would be right there with them and and allow for those feelings to come out little by little and just when when they upload about like oh I can't be I can't

36:40 go to the birthday party you approach and say let's just get the birthday present we can do this and then you can cry and cry about that and then when he's done you can propose a little further okay let's now let's go and get your outfit for the birthday party's coming and you propose exactly what they're afraid of when you're right there with them as they go through this so once again take it slowly in it's a

37:03 step by step foot so I have one other question we've had previously if anyone has any questions please feel free to ask them below after this question I wanted to append it to turn it a little bit to try to address some of the issues that are in our current events but first let's um this is the last question that we have in the series and it's what is the best way to care to take care of the

37:29 emotions of a young child when a parent has to step away for a few minutes hmm they need to take care of something maybe take a shower because they haven't taken a shower on a couple days because they've been you know parenting and in the trenches what can a parent do to really kind of take care of those things emotions so that they're able to do that yeah so I wouldn't notify the child what I'm about to do

37:54 some experts say Oh sneaked away because they're happy I would never advise that I'm the kind the kind will never say that because it's really frightening for the child when when they don't see you all of us on and you're here and then you're not that's deeply frightening because where did you go and am i safe again but they need to know that you're leaving even if it's just like I'm gonna take the trash out and I'll be right

38:14 back you're like wow they're happily playing maybe I sneaked out don't do that I think it's important is to let the child see you and communicate I'm going and I'll be right back and before you would do and leave them by themselves but you would leave them with some other adults even if she if he or she of things that she can not survive if you feel like there they are with another caregiver that's gonna be safe

38:37 if you feel like the school is it's a safe place if you feel like you know that they're safe they don't know it yet but if you know you trust the other adult you can say you're gonna be okay with without soon see right here I'm gonna go you give me to notify I'm gonna come and then allow for those feelings so a good a strategy sometimes is to announce that you have to go way before

38:59 you actually have to go I know of another instructor who actually got the purse and and the umbrella and said yeah it's time to go eat what really wasn't time to go but the babysitter was there already so they arranged it they talked about it beforehand so the child could have this big emotional episode right there with mom and the safety of Mama's arms but just with the proposal so if if I need to do a quick errand I wouldn't notify

39:29 the child and I would let them know I will always come back I would notify them exactly what I'm doing any feelings come I would listen to them sometimes we can't listen to the feelings right then but ideally we would hand them to a caregiver who would be continuing the listening process so truth I would I would speak with the truth to the child never tricking them into like disappearing quickly and coming back that's deeply frightening and unsettling to watch I'm

39:54 I absolutely agree it's frightening for me isn't involved they don't let me know what's going on so I can only imagine what it's like for our child so I wanted to shift so we kind of dabbled in it a little bit and talked about the current events that have been happening one of the things that I've been seeing in the current events is when children are rate unified with their parents they are usually

40:25 stiff as a board yeah there are stiff parents are holding on to them there it usually takes about three to five minutes and all of a sudden you see then the child turns into a month needle and there's a lot of emotions that come out her little bit I'm wondering if you can tackle this and tackle it in a way well number one you know trying to talk about it but can you use speak to our

40:50 Spanish speakers now I'm full that they could be used in order to get through those moments because we know that it's devastating watching what they're going through I would really love to be able to kind of speak to them now to tell them you know just talk about the hope that we were talking about but also that it is fixable so one day you can take a few minute to talk and and seething Spanish for us so that

41:18 we just a you running - greetings vanish I would absolutely love yeah we'll be fantastic so please do legacy glass hey bueno el primero de que se this game is for Elsa okay lasse Palacios Hispanic with me and oh and 0 de las palabras to put in they have one name Christian dramatic a movie four days after the Spanish community knows Ben okay in space people let alone say puedes enough if the people have a lot se puede remedy podemos ayudar

41:50 anastasios tenemos una pelea Gigante nosotros para lo que podamos on this meaning then I'm some on tape are you da Luz as Anna is - tani physica stand with indo para que no lo carryin no commas but I can save all - sentirse gurus and este mundo by Leo Sasuke poem printer cualquier cosa lo bonito vistas are a means of the hand-in-hand escape moon for Telugu roki agency go las experiencias que tenemos no signal meant ad basta

42:15 matically facility they were stellaris that's podemos Anna come come conexión con let's represent yeah con mucho polio people system exactly and enhanced aqui para productive he también con Larissa con el juego con con le intend emitted como functionalist Amos Amos and Esther see hostess he goes cuando está no Mia su stavos no piensan correctamente Susu cerebral Stockholm in por uno momento pero pero como para el estado por el

42:46 nido completamente rev estado told me oh no pueden who guard and kill there's no prints and recesses and trances cuando cuando nosotros invitamos con Calma bad hey Eve on the school channels so yeah no super benches are passing else ie is on the staff in father mahi konasana it's awesome sentiment to spend my PC list in football you know six police' conan junto con el DaVinci gonna restock on your suit or understand movie i he

43:17 tells you know super suppose prover listen espacio seguro para que los expressing i use on this IE who cemented on the star information about they they step it's a process emotional use playing soccer rose for complete over super yet I'll bet necessity 10 muchos episodes esto cuando ella es tan Grande for loyal in fact with me or see based and elastin - s it had mucho promotional Nene okay yes it's just you know a super key terminal pop I never - Tom oh stop

43:47 oh yeah no somos outros a charm is 2 centimeters per se como no I wanna sky mile an end of them are all those atomos come me an emotional mental I'll go no sky melosa Thomas see aprendemos entender is - super sister Sonya - Tom process ok yah team to protect wait see puede contar vamos a poder apollyon monster see cuz your loss I can no curry missed a stack targa emotional 1040 para post vida y los Fortaleza yes all is has

44:13 evolved era recuperar La Senza sein de esto viene nervosa la sensation day yo / tennis cough WeDo us tree solo y yo y para delante con con la cabeza para ribbon pero se valet yo are similar guitars a valet Mary Sarah you are he a companion are two secrets in the mystic process of can't and importantly sack care they super mosquito if the motion is under fifty years on the goal burner up work on a data center we can

44:39 run it out FEMA the involve a record I said it is Pasadena Calif quieres Vicki Vicki my study any given for telepathic vamos a legal Allah for that son did you know I'm say a little bit about in what you said in English to you so that some of our viewers who don't speak Spanish ten that's really so what I was just saying is that we have tremendous power to help our children when you understand that the emotional expression

45:11 is what heals hurts like this hurts that can be devastating for the brain the brain does not when we sploded with feelings of fear we cannot think properly you cannot live a full life this could be interfering in in massive ways but the beauty of this emotional release mechanism is that we all happen when we can all support our children to express those big big massive feelings so they don't carry them anymore so when we allow for those Tantrums for those

45:41 tears for that laughter for those giggles foreplay this is where the actual healing happens that we've been told to repress them but what we're saying quite the opposite we're saying you have tremendous power when you are supported when you upload your own feelings you have the power tremendous power to support your children so that they can have a full life with their their their chin up and then forward because no matter what happens in life we can

46:04 overcome it and we can support it you're ready to go and enter steal from this from this massive amounts of hurt so again the same message of hope that's so helpful you know I and this is so difficult and it's affecting so many different families not just Spanish speakers but all over the world you know immigrants who are here who have given so much to our homeland my own month us it's it's very for me it's a devastating

46:34 thing wondering if you can also answer this question in Spanish how can parents no way the issues of the possibility of this separation are partition or how can they interests it with there are little ones when friends or family are being deported or date well I know a lot of families are just being affected and maybe you could talk a little bit about some of the tools that we can help or

47:05 they can help use in order for them to get it with us yeah if you want me to repeat the question in Spanish to that why you couldn't man and then answered in Spanish and we'll come back to English again okay here's a la pregunta es como podemos comatose kimonos con nuestra liga de la passione imminent AE Litella most an cerca he having hand ochio francais it's opportunity honest emotional mental Kumar Gupta's nuclear mom of asparagus

47:33 escucha or listening partnerships because a look at yes a most escape they become assume it's passio de tiempo don't the dosa boys don't understand London is present it promises could charm nosecone compassion con attention sink whose God's indicate any moon Canseco so look on every n del espacio para que la otra persona for that they still okay gimmicky receive do not look at the Cadillacs and logically tired and look on sale as who stands they love the

47:58 persona solo this which I assume call calm a chronically this he didn't ever P P Kuusamo schools in tiempo y matado cuando is imported me not as the most low question to the person está hablando escucha he visa versa yen tone says our a lockpick now it's a personal thing look up the middle de trabajar in in lo de physique cases the citizens Paris era in incredibly pero cuando tenemos apoyo emotional de esta calidad de donde Nelligan knows

48:30 his kucha lo de physique is lara ya estamos viendo las cosas say say voir un poquito menos difíciles podemos until apoyo de l'autre persona podemos romper con la soledad no Santino's ke ke Esperanza podemos encontrar soluciones podemos eclair un poco lament a yeah Dimas apollyon owes to see cause you nominee Thomas Clara porque most and even is fastest and most obvious person a super female in Nunavut a Brophy I will believe that it that is special mostest emotional for municipal

49:00 purposes you mustn't move the discus so what I was just saying is describing the listening partnership process and how valuable it can be when things are hard because when we have a safe space to upload the healings to be heard and seen no matter about how the hardships that we're facing we can make them a little less fun and we can have a clearer mind to think of solutions and to support our children with this the intensity of

49:27 what's going on because we are creating support for each other so mainly listening partnership so we can support each other tremendously in times for lean times like this by listening to each other and allowing safe spaces for our feelings to be hurt well I just want to put it out there you know a hand in hand is really focused on making sure that children and families get through this difficult time and me and if you can translate this for me to

49:58 do in Spanish any person who wants to gain these materials is going through this time of separation to use.you an immigration deportation can contact us our phone number will be below along with emailing admin at hand-in-hand parenting about organ will be able to get you the information that free booklet at no charge for separation in regards to this in Spanish

50:29 so exactly which which book layers you're saying about them it's a booklet that addresses yeah separation so people don't people know that the phone number and the email below for one mm-hmm look if someone's clear enough respect for my own hand is a mucha for you Muslim life you see it is when a person makes time easy and effective edict that means they only recommend before is the official process so they're the professor customers we live for power

50:59 contact and the cinema cinema telephonic of Columbus are and the Periclean was commentary Deming gave tenemos mucho tres Cruces where a treatise cater for the most oppressor I pollito he specifically separación que queremos I serve Lipton gonna talk stay so the vinegar Lolita Vicky Nemo's estar aqui para ti somos una organización infinity Lucho que lo que busca support a y este tema SES mundo para nosotros y es algo que queremos apple Ibuki sabemos que podemos a you got a moon Imani

51:31 remove particular is that a boy on emotional maintain those ministers familia see tenemos infamous in Bali you're such a fool that you gotta enough yogoro que estamos viendo i solution get a masseuse correctly practices busca knows Montano some choreo and meal time in person only think of exactly for we have some response I'm gonna eat ya que estamos I guess I'm a thank you so much so let me ask you one last question and I'll tweet about the

52:00 English in Spanish I guess your experience is a real key one I think that he hybrid water he had a difficult time with separation I think that it provides a lot of hope to parents I know that this is a difficult time and we're kind of you know repeating it over and over again but I think that in times of difficulty this is really like what Karen seemed is here so I'm wondering if you might be able to kind of elaborate a

52:30 little bit more on things that they can do that they might not know the hand in hand techniques currently and once they reach out to us they can but in that you know that trauma time that time of turmoil how can these parents to bury you know in order to make sure that they so they know that that they're doing the right thing but also they can start to see that change in that comfort in their

53:00 a child too so maybe you can talk a little bit about that okay in English first Spanish your book why don't you do both yeah so in English when the main idea whether you know a lot or a little about hand in hand is to connect so think of ways for your child to feel you there through play through eye contact through genuine interest for what they're doing yes we have tools and we can go really

53:29 deep in them but the main idea is let your child feel you there when your child feels you through your attention with with the delight that you brings with the patience with the tone of voice when they feel you they're gonna bring whatever is there whatever is bothering them to you with the hopes a really high hopes of uploading it and clearing it out of their system so the main idea is to connect and connect and in subtle

53:53 ways and in vague ways special time can be a fabulous way to connect and play so follow the giggles if your child is giggling follow that if your child is playing pay attention if your child needs you say I'm right here because I know that sounds time-consuming but we're talking about children who are deeply frightened and need to know that you're there and their sense of safety is broken so we need to repair that and we can with prescence more than with

54:20 words we can say in reassuring words that would again try to save your endless but mostly connect and connect Internet and then when there's feelings when and sometimes children who are gonna bring the big feelings packaged and disguised in small pretext so if your child's sleeping out because this tiny thing did not come out the way they expected that's a really good use of a pretext they're not really working on that little thing so that's what we call

54:45 the broken cookie effect syndrome or there's working yeah they're gonna flip out because of a little thing it's not really about the filling cookie so if we try to fix it and bring in bring them a another cookie and try to prevent them from crying was making we're doing at the service but we what they really need is for us to say yeah sweetie have back cookies playing and this is the one again so then they can have this massive

55:09 meltdown and this is a massive meltdown that's gonna heal so being the lookout for emotional planes about the signals about like I'm gonna explode and I'm gonna cry because that's actually where the healing happens that would connect connect connect in the best possible way and then when I see flare ups of upset to actually let them have their curses in their curses like a big red balloon that's gonna be inflated in the lay of the room and then it's gonna do play

55:35 and you're gonna see a child that's less trapped by the grips of fear on the other side I'm gonna say same thing in Spanish and que podamos I say this one loneliness necesitan draconic that the high personas kids having much of an insane person thump Oh thump Oh Cooper said but look again emos a serious hand in hand in a una perspectiva muy bonito they connect - and so this que pueden ser alguien people care Familia trotter iconic star

56:05 concertina cuando yo men to attention when listing jugando con the saintly and cuando muskan - presencia must be from paulo brazil las palabras on importantes de minimus podamos a lesson package kalos Frankie's and commercial story just a tweezer get take care of me preocupa 6 taken pillow so smoo importante para lot apart important pieces parody comprehension condo stuck and shown in it away go econ don't piss and once a web game moist ran it was a

56:31 connection lo que hace escape try ptosis and sassy on isn't immune to this PC list to move kill me new caney fact transistor sistema - a little condo is a connection click antonio gonna boost carpet textures i whistle van a buscar protects escape erasing ridiculous como is a cat yo no se lee mirman a metal coil dado itõs assassin un drama heat on tape una cosa keep re-seeing significant look a basque alignment see that del mio que tenga and

56:59 Randy you know Lacroix demanded frente pro seafood and Oh Harman Formica Sita ridiculous como que no se maybe sooner agita cassava Rosa okay Lea Loomis Casteneda ridiculousness casting carry the money cooler it's K laggy means she own the locust understand grande que no lo pueden be here in the friendly person necesitan who protects this condo in prison as I can on Marian checking on the film at Casa Bonita simpler Mo's that is passive or active sucking it's a

57:28 wedding Shiva ah there's the gram they're gonna make this prints back yeah they remove a kalma in the process they allocate a meaningful su sitio cynically using anonymous in the veterinary use one opponent in my soul veil is big specifically the expression emotional even a 11:42 must fixing this Mustang to live I'm not belittling it is it getting a dependence so it's just saying about like although small pretext they're not

57:58 they're not trying to money for years they're not trying to be ridiculous they're just using sometimes what's happening is so big that it cannot fully comprehend it or get mad at it it's too frightening to feel numb in a front front way so what I do is as a child is that you look for the little tiny pretext to get upset about those because that I can manage so I that's one little thing that I haven't said well thank you

58:25 so much I you know this is a very difficult topic for us to tackle you know and when it comes down to it the feelings that the troops are having it's not a political thing those are big feelings of this regard separation from the parents I'm glad we were able to address them in a safe really loving space here on Facebook life these Facebook lives the more support we have our parenting club that we do it's on

58:53 Facebook and you're able to perfect your CV Facebook Likes there there's more information about our parent club down below you can try it for 30 days free a a money gap back guarantee if you will in regards to the wonders that hand in hand and the tools for our families and then I just want to repeat any families that are dealing with any type of separation in regards to the integration that's happening here in the US are

59:22 anywhere around the world where they're being isolated from their families please feel free to contact us reach out to us our information is down below and you'll be able to receive our materials for free free little bit thank you so much and we appreciate you know why don't we end with something you know we just did a really heavy topic so why don't we end with one good thing so what's one good thing that I'm here

59:53 really it is I don't know this is it delights me to be able to share this information with caring and loving parents all over the world so being here it's my absolute highlight for food well thank you my highlight is being able to share the space with you to you so I thank you again we we loved it and we will see you all next time when we're here listening to parents show thank you so much

60:21 everyone have a great day goodbye