Why Demanding Respect From Kids Doesn’t Work | Ep. 48

0:00 [Music] hello and welcome to the connected families podcast I'm Stacy belward and I'm so glad you are joining us today as part of our year and fundraising campaign we are highlighting how connected families resources are making a global impact I recently had a great conversation with a couple in South Africa who are learning to use the connected families framework in their own home with their children as well as within the nonprofit child care village

0:31 where they live and work called live Village I think you'll enjoy their story here it is so n and danan you guys are in Durban South Africa thank you so much for letting me interview you and coming on to Connected families and talking to us about your experiences with discipline that connects with your child's heart and the connected families framework so tell me about who you are and your family first and then will go into where you live and what your

1:02 ministry is like Joan and I have been married for we're going for 12 years and we've got two little children Isabelle is seven years old and Emma is five and we've lived in the boand which is in Western Cape South Africa the most beautiful part of the country and we've lived there for my whole life we worked at a private school or mostly in private schools up until I'd say almost two years ago go and then we felt the move

1:32 of God the call of God on our lives that he wanted us to step out of the boat and live a life of faith and yeah we' we've known God both individually before we got together and we got married having both strong relationships with God yeah so being in private schools we've we've taught the richest and the just the best kids the best circumstances we had everything at our disposal and then God said right well we

2:01 were very frustrated with our walk and we just felt like right we want to we want to step out the boat of a bit we we want to see where we can go and then we prayed for 3 years and then eventually God moved us to live Village which is in the opposite side of the country which is a place that's started by titch and Joan Smith it started 10 years ago and it's a place for Orphan and vulnerable

2:25 children at the moment we've got about 220 kids here it's ranging all the way from babies up to students now we've had two sets of Tricks grade 12 as we call it here in South Africa Finnish school and uh yeah I'm currently heading up the primary school and my wife is heading up the therapy department therapy department so we very much very much in it here we've moved here onto onto the village and uh we're living with the

2:56 mothers with the children we're about probably 50 staff Liv living on the village so it's it's a big change um we trust in God for everything here there's she doesn't get paid I've half my salary so it's it's a massive walk of Faith wow so you move from teaching the richest most resourced kids probably in your country to serving in live Village that's the name of the organization there's some millions and millions of

3:26 Orphans in South Africa and the teach had this Vision that God gave him about to to build this village where God is going to come and he's going to give a a whole another way of of raising this generation that the world has forgotten yeah so it's it's very exciting to be part of the vision and to be part of the way things are still being worked out on the village but it's it's also really tough but it's extremely rewarding we

3:56 really enjoy being with the children so recent ly you became informed and started to learn discipline that connects through child's heart you came you came to know connected families tell me how you came to know who we are one of my best friends she's a Miss missionary in Kenya Nairobi they they recently moved back to South Africa and we usually chat every two weeks or so and we just go through mommy struggles together and I told her listen I am up

4:28 to here I don't know how to handle certain situations and now just me as a as a mommy as a parent and I said I've been praying crying out to God for an answer because we've even done a parenting course which has helped up to a certain point we didn't experience breakthrough in terms of just connecting with the heart of the child and really understanding where they're coming from we we got taught a lot of methods but we

4:53 never like dealt with the underlying issues so I was frustrated very very frustrated I literally cried out to God at night sometimes and said please just help me give me a tool and then she sent me this link so Lynn had a talk listen to one of her messages just about parenting and she started off by sharing all her parenting fails and what she did how she shouted at her children at times and so on I laughed so much and I

5:21 started crying because I I could just so relate with their personality and I kept on listening and the the Holy Spirit just minister and ministered and ministered to me so much about my underlying issues and oh I just experienced so much Freedom so that was a year ago and then only a year later the two of us decided we'll approach you guys and yeah we'll enroll in the DTC qus you're taking it because this relates to your own parenting of your

5:50 two daughters but it relates to your positions at Liv Village you know and working with the 220 children yeah so tell me when you first started learning about the framework and discipline that connects like what struck you as like significant after we we gave our lives to Jesus obviously your whole life starts changing and now you when we got married you think about like okay so how are we going to discipline our children and we like oh well we got God we're

6:19 going to make this thing work but then before you know it the way that you experience discipline it comes through in the way that you discipline your own children especially with Nita the way that she received discipline from her mom and the way that she's relating to especially our eldest Isabel so it's exactly the same so that that whole thing while we were watching the first session so I knew she needed help I'm more the relaxed disciplinarian very

6:48 very chilled in the house very peaceful but obviously given our um current situation we can't afford to put our children in in a good school so we are now a need to is homeschooling so n spending a 24/7 with Isabelle so you can imagine if you spend the whole day with the girls there's a lot of tension for me it's easy I go to work and I come back and then I miss them for n is like

7:13 I've been with them the whole day can you just give me a break so it was very significant seeing the framework because her entire approach was coming hard come in big and loud and loud and definitely you know I've spent I'm I'm like sacrificing my my life to teach you homeschooling here can you just please behave I feed you every single day just be grateful exactly that's the main thing I think she needs it so I'm just going to

7:42 do the course with her oh that's how it went okay oh sacrificial husband that's wonderful when I was watching it I didn't to be honest with you I didn't expect a lot I was like oh another parenting course let's see what what the Americans have to say now yeah right but then when they first put the framework on there I was like after the

8:13 first we just said no no we got to watch the first one again and we did and we did and then I was like this is unbelievable it was like so because I've been through a very tough Journey at the school so used to coming in big into a situation with the children and and sort of you just demand your respect you know look I'm a Man I'm the teacher I'm the principal can you just please be quiet

8:41 now this is me here I am you know and here it just doesn't work yeah you know I'll never forget my First Assembly I walk into the assembly and no one wants to keep quiet and I couldn't understand what was going on and I sit next to this one boy and he's would refuses to listen to me and I made so many mistakes with the these children where I'd go into a situation and just blast them you know

9:03 the louder you shout at some point these kids then keep quiet but you don't achieve anything so it's it's a work in progress our pray Village on how to discipline the children because it verbalizes the way that a lot of the staff that is pioneered and have persevered have found this is what works and we've lost so many good teachers or The Villages lost so many good teachers over the years because you get here and you just you know you're just so shocked

9:36 by everything by the trauma and the behavior of the children that you just you just no one LS more than two years because at some stage you just think well I I don't I'm not winning so I'm just going to give up now that's that's literally what happens it's too tough It's too tough it's literally too tough to work with these kids for me if I can just add personally as a mommy to my two girls the biggest breakthrough for me is

10:02 almost realizing how God deals with me and the amount of Grace that he has on me and that I do not have to ex expect perfect behavior from my children and that my children are not my report card that I can have Grace on them but I can also have Grace on myself and my parenting skills and where I'm at so if I make a mistake and I lose it um today I can actually do a do it again what do

10:31 what do you call that again a do over a do over I can have a do over and we can try that again and we can even make it fun and I can buy time where if I literally don't know how to handle it I can quickly just go and pray ask God Holy Spirit please just give me the wisdom please help me and then every single time the Lord comes through for me it's to me it's it's a parenting

10:55 approach where God becomes part of the the most difficult part of parenting and he shows me his grace for me and and I can return that Grace to my children and I've struggled with that for years is about seven years old so i' I've struggled with that for seven years so to me it's also literally revelational isn't that just beautiful and it's it's who God is and it it's accessing that part of who God is and bringing it down

11:23 into our daily lives and letting it transform the way that we think and then the way that we interact with our kids that's beautiful so let me ask you guys so you mentioned Johan you said this like you're like okay let's sit down and see what these Americans have to say about parenting right so we've got some cultural differences to go through as you learn this so it comes from American culture into your Africans culture and

11:49 into your home and with your children but then also into your work with Zulu children which is another culture so can you speak to the framework and how it it's going from culture to culture have you experienced difficulties with that any kind of changes that you've had to make have you bridged those differences I think what I'll say to that is culture is one thing but we all God's children and we all separated from God by sin so

12:19 at the end of the day we're one human race so if you apply God's plan and a Godly way of discipline it's going to work no matter where you are so again with our children if you go in loud and big the fight and flight they fight immediately it is one big me versus you and eventually you'll see you know who's who's the stronger one yeah and then but you you won't gain anything with that child there's just no relationship no

12:49 respect nothing but the moment you communicate you're safe with me doesn't matter whether you're white black Indian what doesn't matter what color you are is all of a sudden is like I didn't expect that wow this person actually wants to listen to me and for our children who's experienced a lot of trauma that's actually you know first time you know this is actually just how it should be done you know you cannot go in with a loud attitude where they've

13:18 already their experience of older people and adults in their lives have just been of abuse so now when you go in with this framework with an opposite Spirit which is not easy because it takes time and self-control um because as a teacher you know we want to discipline quickly and we want to get on with it but you're on the village with a lot of with these children when you sit and you spend time

13:48 look academics is important but let's now spend if the more you you use this way of discipline the more fruit at the end of the day you're going to see in the children and academically as well and that's the thing academically the more they they feel Lov then the academics will actually follow so cross culturally I think it's just we we all have to thank Jesus for his blood I mean the only reason why we are sitting here

14:18 is because of him and we are adopted into his family so who are we to to not love children from other cultures because he loves them so and um I could just add to that what I've realized as a mommy is that all children have the same needs doesn't matter what skin color they are they all crave love they crave quality time with you they crave being accepted and if you give that to them and you you kind of you more mature than

14:49 the crazy situation in front of you you just calm and relax your behavior is not throwing me right now immediately makes him feel okay I'm not out of control there's somebody that understands then they start to calm down and they start doing it less the the bad behavior it starts lessening definitely do you have any stories how it's played out in Practical daily life oh every day I can give you 10 just today I mean since

15:15 we've been doing this I do this every day at least 10 times I get called into classes every single I mean every half an hour where they call me in and say this kid is misbehaving they don't know the teacher the teachers lost control of the classroom so usually I would walk in boom here I am everybody sit down shut up I'm here now I walk in calmly I I first connect with the class and then I

15:43 connect with a student that's misbehaving and then I calmly say come outside I don't even recognize myself while I'm doing it sometimes I I want to start laughing because of the way that I'm behaving now because he's so used to doing it in the other way mhm so two recent episodes on Friday we we lost the mother that's been with us for the longest more than eight years when you say when you say mother you're talking about like a house mother

16:11 so you your live Villages that we talking about Foster mothers yes sorry it's the Foster mothers and they're in charge of like seven or eight children in each home uh anything from three to six children in a home okay uh two two of them can be biological and yes so they live in in clusters and very much like dulu Huts the round formation some of them were built like that so the mother that's been with us the Foster

16:37 mother that's been with us the longest she suddenly passed away on Friday so it was a very very traumatic incident and the village was shaken to the core and then we had a prayer time for our older children in a in a prayer Hut in a prayer house and the one girl came there were other things bothering her and she started crying but she's she's very loud she like loses it completely cuz all the trauma starts coming out and she was

17:05 actually angry at me because she didn't want me to spend time with her she was angry at me for something else as well and I I just felt God say stand firm just show her unconditional love make her feel safe make her feel safe just stay there and she started like falling on the ground crying and she wanted to go outside and she was at a stage uncontrollable and I just kep my hand on her back and walked every time walked

17:32 with her and eventually she calmed down and then she actually half an hour for her to even start opening up and say one word that's how traumatized she is and that's for how many years she's kept everything inside so I could make her feel safe I could make her feel loved and then just through questioning and kind of guiding her I helped her to just get the emotions out she couldn't tell me what happened she was it's still too

17:58 traumatized just to get the emotions out and she left with a smile on her face beautiful and so the change in that story is that you might have just been like well oh well like she doesn't want to be around me and so just walk away I nearly walked away I nearly walked away CU she she was very disrespectful and I did nothing wrong but she she's very sensitive so she just flips her her mood with me just

18:25 like this it's one of the the girls in my discipleship group and flips her attitude just when when it suits her and then I'm just constant I'm not phed I'm just levelheaded and then I just constantly show her that I care about you doesn't matter what you do see that's way every every opportunity is an opportunity to show God's love and that's so difficult because our it we don't want to to do that we want to H we

18:55 want the easy way out you know what I'm realizing the more I'm thinking about you know it helps so much when you watch the the course it helps me process the way God's love loving me actually and because I can process that now I see discipline in a completely different light completely different It's actually an I want I mean I'm not there 100% yet but when you're facing a discipline scenario you must actually be excited because now wow here's an opportunity

19:27 for God to come and do something something in this child's life in the most unexpected and undeserved situation the child is actually very undeserving of Grace and love at that point and then you show them that love isn't that the gospel isn't that our faith it is just exactly our faith in action I love it and your story was about a girl in the village you know was not your biological daughter and the thing I I'm just

19:52 thinking of is how many families you know when we have multiple children there's a child that's difficult there's a child who's struggling sometimes more than others and are harder to connect with than others and at Connected families we always say move toward the struggling child not away so you had a choice right there am I going to move toward this child and stick with her through this hard emotion that she's walking through even when it's coming

20:18 off as complete rejection to you which honestly in our own homes with our biological kids you know or adoped kids or whatever the kids in our homes it can look exactly the same and we have the same Choice what are we going to do in that moment so good did you have another story n yes I do that's between me and my eldest daughter so over the past few months to be brutally honest I've literally built up a grudge towards her

20:44 and felt so bad uh for feeling this way towards her and I I tried every day to treat her just exactly like I treat my other daughter but I I never dealt with an underlying issue and the second session that deal with the parents' issues and dealing with yourself first and then God touched on quite a few things through that session and I prayed about it late that night and the next morning I just asked God to give me

21:11 opportunity to minister to my child and actually ask forgiveness and I sat down and I went on my knees like lower than her and I I could just ask forgiveness for for every all the words that I've said and all the times that I've lashed out in anger towards her and that I've been unfair towards her and she's actually the most beautiful sensitive intelligent sweet lovely girl so it was absolutely unfair of me and I asked for

21:40 forgiveness and I started crying oh sham and she I forgive you Mommy and she also started crying and there was such a connection and I could feel like God's spirit just healing our relationship in that moment and from that day onwards I told her Isabelle please keep mommy accountable I need to go low slow and listen I explained to her what that is and she started keeping me accountable so she would joke about it when we eat

22:05 together so I was in in our room and I heard a situation erupting in the living room in the living room between Emma and Isabel so I hear so I heard Nita go in so I was like oh my goodness this is going to be an explosion they're going to get it and all of a sudden Nita is just quietly talk talking to them and I can't even hear what she's saying to them and and then after 5 minutes the

22:35 kids are laughing and playing and there they go on again and I said to Nita what did you just do it was the most amazing thing I said to her that was incredible and uh we saw the fruit of the of that go slow um and listen go low slow and listen we saw that immediately so by I mean I'm not the the angel in the house in terms of discipline I'm also I'm also changing the my way a lot but I'm not

23:06 the main disciplinary in the house because I don't spend all the time with the kids yet so good well thank you so much for taking the time to talk with us and to share your story with discipline that connects and we can't wait to just keep partnering with you in your journey as a family and also as professionals and missionaries working at live Village so thank you very much Jan and Nita thank you for your time thank you Stacy

23:33 thank you for your time thank you for giving us the course for that's right yeah you guys got it on scholarship and that's just fantastic thanks to all of our donors for [Music] that