Video #1 • Connection

0:02 every parent struggles with their kid being defiant and challenging welcome to messy loud real life parenting it's sometimes inconvenient it's definitely frustrating on top of all the organizing cooking driving cleaning snot wiping and overall caretaking you do you don't want to ask for things to be done a million times and you don't want to feel like the bad guy for having to ask right okay well today I'm going to share with you a way from getting your child to do

0:31 exactly what you want them to do a way that makes you both feel good I'm Veronica Castro and for the last 30 years hand-in-hand parenting has reached over 10 million parents all over the world our booklets have been translated into 15 languages and have sold over a million copies in short we help tons of parents handle the situations that make them want to pull their hair out parenting is like trying to hit a moving Target you never know

1:00 what your son is going to do next or why one day your daughter is so cooperative and the next she wants to throw her socks all over the floor and wipe pudding all over the walls now if you can arm yourself with some tools that help you handle any situation your kid puts you in you'll be well equipped to handle whatever comes up and feeling confident in your parenting all right so let's get down to it the number one question parents ask

1:28 us is this my kid won't listen or isn't Cooperative I have to ask repeatedly for things to get done how do I get my kids to do what I want them to do so there are two tracks you can take you can manage the behavior as it comes up how many of you have done something like this you pick your kid up you put them in the car seat you put their shoes on for them and they're being

1:56 resistant well when you do this for them you're managing that unruly response and I admit I'm guilty of the same sometimes I just have to get out the door and I don't have time for all that daddl or maybe you've tried to get your daughter to cooperate through timeouts or threats or even yelling those methods work for a minute but then before you know it you are right back in that cycle of threats and punishments not only is it exhausting

2:27 but it hurts your relationship with your child and it makes you both feel bad now let's talk about the alternative to that at hand in hand we believe that no child wants to be uncooperative resistant or aggressive and if they are acting that way it's because they've gotten stuck and they aren't thinking clearly in fact in a way they can't even hear you so no wonder they don't listen why do I say that they can't think or can't hear you

2:56 well let me explain by telling you a little bit about how brain brains work I won't get too technical but the short story is that in order for any of us to think clearly cooperate be logical Etc all parts of your brain need to be working well now in order for that to happen your brain has to be able to sense that you're safe the same is true for kids when your son or daughter feels safe in your presence they are able to

3:21 think very clearly bottom line when your kids have your full relaxed attention and feel connected to you they can cooperate but that attention can't always be there your connection can break for a million different reasons like you stop playing with them to answer an important phone call or say you spend half an hour cooking dinner it can even happen because you're driving them home from school but can't give them your full attention because you're driving when

3:51 that happens your son or daughter's emotional brain goes kind of ballistic and takes over effectively shutting down their logical and rational part of brain when that happens it's next to impossible for your child to understand things like taking turns sharing and doing your chores now if you want your child to cooperate the first thing you need to do is connect one of the fastest and most effective ways to connect is by laughing and playing go figure now if

4:19 you think about a recent time you laughed really hard with a friend I'm sure you can remember how connected you felt as you share that good time the best thing you can do when your kid isn't cooperating is to try to recreate that connected feeling so how do you do it try something called play listening it's a tool we've taught to parents all over the world with kids of all different ages the secret is for you to take the

4:44 less powerful role and attempt to do something ridiculous or goofy if you have tried to get your kids to clean up after themselves you know try is the operative word it can be very trying you know I hate it when my son leaves the place a mess and won't clean up his clothes shoes and do his school work constantly reminding him and begging him was making me tense so I decided to try some play the next time I encountered my

5:08 son's clothes on the floor I challenged him to shoot his clothes into the hamper while I tried to block his shots we ended up having a big laugh about it because I was completely NE at blocking him and within minutes his dirty clothes were all picked up and we had a great time when I'm playful especially in the midst of what could turn into a power struggle we can reconnect and my son will most often easily do what I'm

5:32 asking connecting with your child through physical play can be even more effective if you're dealing with an attitude problem or Defiance you can get right in there with a vigorous snuggle to snuggle the attitude right out of them you can play a Chase game where you almost catch a child but at the last minute you miss and of course they get away and a good pillow fight where your kiddos get to Pummel you works wonders if you first create that safety

5:59 by getting getting really playful you can help your disconnected uncooperative child do what you want them to do and have lots of fun and laughs along the way these are all delicious ways to reconnect so your child can feel safe and loved by you and when that happens your child can finally hear you when you set a limit or ask them to do something threats and yelling never make anyone feel good and they don't work in the

6:24 long run it may take a few seconds to carry your daughter inside if she's not listening or put some books away for her but what about the bigger ongoing struggles you have now imagine if you added up all the hours you spent managing and fixing the unwanted Behavior I think you're going to see that time heavily favors you dedicating yourself to learning how to connect in a way that changes that behavior take for example it's your son's night to set the

6:50 table and he doesn't want to maybe you make a game out of it and play goalie at the dinner table and it's his job to get past you and put the plates down now you're having fun and the task gets done that's called a win-win and remember don't beat yourself up if you don't have the patience or bandwidth for play every time your child gets challenging just know that investing in connecting when you can is always going to be time well

7:15 spent now that you know how powerful play is you might find yourself looking forward to the next time your child gives you attitude uh yeah okay that might be a stretch but the next time it happens you'll have a little insight into why and some playful ways you can deal with it now that I have you all excited about what it looks like to get your child to do what you want what happens when the issue is multiplied by

7:38 two later this week I'm going to roll out the second part in this teaching Series where I'm going to give you the framework for how to tackle sibling rivalry that's right we'll talk about how you can prevent fights and help your children have positive interactions with each other now all of us at hand-in-hand parenting have a common goal and that is to enhance the lives of parents worldwide if you share this vision and believe that parenting should be playful

8:02 and Cooperative too I'd love for you to spread the word about these free videos to other parents you know now before you go I would love for you to hit that Facebook like and share button but what I really want you to do is to leave a comment with your thoughts about today's video together we can make a difference [Music]