Kids’ Arguments: Establish Peace with 4 Steps

0:00 [Music] hey everybody welcome back I'm Stacy belward host of the connected families podcast Welcome to our community we are people committed to pursuing God's grace and truth for ourselves and then daily working to pass that Grace and Truth onto our children I'm so glad that you're here today well I have a question have your children been bickering lately if they have this podcast is for you you know last fall one of our partner churches hosted a connected families

0:31 parents Summit that's a one day event where we bring the speakers and the partner hosts the event well during that parents Summit Megan Thorp a connected family certified parent coach did a workshop on sibling conflict and we wanted to bring you an abbreviated version of that Workshop today you know before I bring Megan on though I want to make sure that you've heard about the two free resources that we've offered in the last couple of weeks they have been

1:00 hit everybody like many thousands of people have gone and grabbed them both of the free resources are un calming one is for children and one is for parents which make them very applicable to our conversation today about sibling conflict tap through to our show notes and you can get both of those free resources well without further Ado Megan Thorp welcome to the connected families podcast hello thank you I'm so excited to be here today I'm happy to have you

1:32 on too this is your first time on to the podcast it's great it is I love the podcast there's so much information so I feel honored to be able to give a little piece of that to to people today so thank you for having me yeah well give us a quick intro of your family I want to hear the ages of your kids and all the things okay yes my husband Chad and I have been married almost 18 years we

1:57 have three kids my oldest son Caleb he's turning 13 in two days so I'll have a officially have a teenager which is really crazy to think about my middle son Reed is 10 and he's in fourth grade and then my young youngest daughter Quinn is she is in second grade and she's eight and a half so that is our little family and they are 13 10 and eight and a half that's sweet yes very fun age super fun age busy but fun it

2:22 actually sounds also Megan like you are in the throws of sibling conflict we we get our fair share of it here we all do every one of us as we have raised our kids so we're all together in this world well you are a certified parent coach and you are accepting clients for your own business but you also work on staff don't you Megan yeah I get to um help train in New Coaches who are coming

2:48 through the coaches and training we call them it's our phase two part of the coaching process and it has been so fun to walk with these coaches and training through the process of becoming a certified parent coach with people from all over the world all other their stages of life it's it's just a blast it has been fun to see how that program or branch of connected families has just exploded so many parent coaches so hey

3:14 anybody want to meet you know if you want to meet with a coach go to our website because there's a page there and you can look through all of the coaches that are certified and there's there's contact information to get a hold of them so today we're going to talk about sibling conflict based on the workshop that you gave last fall at the parents Summit and so I'm just going to start off with this question Megan do you have

3:36 siblings and did you fight with them oh do I have siblings and did I fight with them yes I have grew up with two brothers I was the middle girl older brother and younger brother and I remember specifically after school sibling fights was like the thing that just comes to mind is like we would get home and it was just like no holds bar and we being having both boys too there was just it was a very physical time as

3:59 well the conflict ended up being more physical than words where maybe girl families ends up being more words but yes we had our Fair sharei of s conflict growing up that's for sure I sure did too I was the oldest of four but it was my sister was number two and her and I wo we would get into it way too much for sure and I really think my mom would have loved to have had the peace process

4:25 which is what we're going to talk about today it's in our sibling comp course but it starts off with the parents and the kids all up on crazy mountain and I feel like that describes my childhood there's mom on crazy Mountain like you can see her there perfectly all her kids running around we're all in Crazy Mountain together moms kids dads everyone's there so then the peace process that we have at Connected families just allows us to get

4:52 across and four steps and you know it's not taking away the conflict but it gives us these tools which I think is so fabulous so fabulous and I love that it's four steps and we're going to get there we're going to walk across the river that's the little picture of the peace process there's just four steps it's one of my favorite tools actually here at Connected families because it's easy to remember and anyway we're going to get into it in just a little bit but

5:19 let's talk just for a minute because you know sibling conflict raises so many emotions in US parents and if there's anything that causes us to have even more difficulty staying calm I think it's sibling conflict I mean maybe lying is one of them that could be it too but when our kids start fighting it just raises a lot of emotion doesn't it yeah I think there's just gets to be so much anxiety in the home and like there's so

5:46 it just gets so heightened you know we as parents just want to shut it down so quickly we're like nope stop done there's no more of it like I can hear myself saying that all the time and we try and match them our anger gets high and we're we come in like fast large and loud it's very common it happens but it kind of creates that environment in the home where it just breathes more and more almost when that happens because I

6:08 feel like I need to get as louder louder than them because they're being so loud I need to make sure I'm heard yeah yeah two against one or three against one where you're you know working against them instead of working together so yeah right and there's so many Dynamics to it all in that we've covered in other podcasts and in lots of blog posts but it raises I think so much in us as parents cuz you know we started off you

6:34 and I talking about our own childhood there's a lot of baggage from The Sibling conflict we experienced as kids yeah that comes into how we deal with the sibling conflict with our with our own children so that's for another podcast we didn't prepare ourselves to talk about that yes but I know that actually Lynn does talk about it in the sibling conflict course yeah and I was going to say Stacey I think like you and I were both both better for the wear

7:01 because I did recently see a study that said that scientists are now confirming that fighting between brothers and sisters actually increases social skills vocabulary and development so it was this study that was done at Cambridge University and it found a link between childhood sibling arguments and future success so I think there's hope right like it's it's a normal thing and the part I they don't say in this study is that we have an opportunity to do

7:27 something with it too like it's not just the skill skills we're learning but we are teaching them here and that's kind of what I love about the peace process and really viewing sibling conflict As A discipleship tool that we get to use in our home so think of the power that we'd have when we have this Cambridge research and then equipped with our connected families tools like our kids are going to come out rock stars oh I

7:48 like that so yes so if your child is learning to be articulate in the midst of a fight like using the words to fight we are actually taking that and we're training that in a way that is useful that is blessed to be a blessing we use that phrase around here a lot too so I like that it would take parents to have kind of a mind shift though wouldn't it like because I think many of

8:14 us is like I need to shut the fighting down because it's too much and it's not good and if we really got deep down we don't like fighting we just don't want it to happen and that's why parents can react quick you you mentioned fast large and loud like we just need to shut it down you said that too but it takes a brain shift to say okay whoa this this could be good this could be an

8:40 opportunity yes yeah say more about that yeah I think when we can shift our idea around sibling conflict as an opportunity to disciple our kids in our home around how to handle conflict in a healthy way like we are just giving them so many amazing tools that they'll use forever you know you think about we are relational beings like God created us to be in relationship so we have relationships when we're at home with our siblings but that's going to carry

9:08 out for our relationships with co-workers with in-laws and so when we're teaching them at home how to handle that and how to handle that conflict that will inevitably come it's just it's better it's what we're called to do I feel like you know what God wants us to be in right relationship and that's a big thing with the sibling conflict is we want to restore the right relationship that they have with each other and so just for me it was so big

9:31 to have that shift in perspective to see this as a really great opportunity to disciple my kids in that way yeah and this is a skill they're going to use forever you talked about co-workers this four-step process that we're going to walk through can be used with their future partner yeah so that feels really good that we're teaching our kids a skill they'll use forever let's talk about the biblical side of it our faith and how that integrates with sibling

9:58 conflict yeah think you know I said that you know God had created us to be in right relationship and so it's really even a Biblical mandate in Matthew 523 through 24 it says therefore if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother or sister has something against you leave your gift there in front of the altar first go and be reconciled to them and then come and offer your gift and so

10:22 when we're making sure that we are in right relationship with our siblings we're obeying God and what he wants and what he has for us in that relationship so it's pretty powerful and we can look at it that way too yeah and that's another thing that I love about this tool is that sometimes we see these verses in scripture but the how is kind of missing like how do I do that how do I teach my kids what does that look like

10:47 it can feel like a weak effort that that you do so so I just love that this is sort of a complete process that we're going to be teaching and you know if anyone wants to hear more about just this idea of the value of reconciliation I did a podcast with jimy ly it was fantastic episode 140 is called restoring relationships empowering our kids to want to reconcile and heel so you can go and check that

11:17 one out too Stacey that made me think of is like I love the peace process and like I I think I've already mentioned it really gives me a tool to help with the kids but I I think it's important to say too that the peace process doesn't remove the conflict it's not we're not saying that like this you know four-step process do this and you will no longer have sibling conflict like that's just not realistic there will be conflict but

11:42 I just love that I'm equipped now as a parent to kind of know how to go into it that's just kind of really hopeful for me we're shifting a perspective as parents that this conflict is good because it's not going to go away it is something that we will always live with as long as we are on this Earth we are not in heaven we are people who are dealing with our own sin with our children's sin and and so we're going to

12:08 have conflict with one another because we are really at our core of selfish people but you're right this peace process does equip us to work through that and to make right the places that we've made wrong and we're going to talk about that okay so let's talk about the peace process let's talk about the crazy Mountain that we mentioned in the beginning of the the podcast here so we're on crazy Mountain things are crazy it's actually a volcano I think in the

12:34 image you can see the smoke and the fire and the bubbles are coming up and we've all been there right in ourselves and our kids and all the things and so in the picture which everyone can tap through the show notes and see a link to it we have to come down off the mountain and there's four rocks to get across the river yeah you get across the river to I don't know we I think we named it Megan

12:58 is it reckon ilation Oasis I think that's where we that's where we're headed that's where we want to be is reconciliation Oasis that's right okay what's the first stop well the first stop the first rock is calm but I actually like what you said Stacy is I have to come off of crazy Mountain first before I even get to that first one so I'm like throwing in like awareness is actually like before like hold on I'm on

13:22 crazy Mountain here so the first step the first rock is calm you know and so it's really important that we as parents in this whole process stay one step ahead of our kids you know we can't come in and say you guys need to calm down I mean that's not really going to work because I'm not calm myself so if I can stay calm ahead of them that's kind of the first process the first step okay

13:46 well I mentioned in the top of the show that we have a few free resources that we've been offering to our community one is for helping your kids calm down one is for the parents for us how to calm down how do you calm down Megan yeah I mean it's been a learning process for sure I think knowing what's going on inside of me is big and why am I getting so upset about this but big things for

14:10 me calming down is I have to like and my kids are old enough now where I can remove myself I kind of have to walk away and collect myself breathing is really big for me I mean just saying a little prayer like Lord can you please help me as I interact with these kids right now just help them you know to teach them your grace right now and give them your grace and truth so breathing is really big for me stepping aside

14:32 coming back to it and praying those are really the big things that help me to calm down in the heat of a sibling conflict that's good we did do a podcast too mentioning a few of them but it's episode 110 why calm down saying calm down just doesn't work yeah there's a lot of brain science around that yeah we'll have these in the show notes including those those resources so anyone can tap through but okay so now

14:58 you've recog recognized we're on crazy mountain right here I'm even not feeling calm like I'm getting elevated so you've worked to calm yourself down by taking a breath and praying asking the Lord so then how do you help your kids calm down yeah I think for me it's knowing your kids really well and what works for them right that's a big a big part of it my boys specifically are very physical and so I know that what's going to help them

15:27 to calm down is to like move their body that is going to be the best way so when there's conflict with the boys we separate that's huge is for them to get apart and then we usually say can you go out to the garage and shoot 50 pucks when you feel like you've been able to calm down we can come back and talk about this or can you go outside and rollerblade for a while and come back

15:48 take a breath you know fresh air is so good for them physical activity is so good for them my daughter she's a little different she likes more alone time and like to like color or Draw or go up and her room and read she just needs to like retreat herself in that way so she'll do that in the boys it's definitely more physical activity do you have a calm down word in your family we don't I

16:10 think it would be so fun I think the one I gave in the workshop as an example was marshmallow it's a cold word it's a calm down cold word when things get really heated and you kind of just need to have everyone stop it's just a word that your family agrees on ahead of time like when mom yells marshmallow we know that we have to stop and work to get into our calm place and so marshmallow is a fun

16:33 one you know I think a stop sign if you have younger kids that can even be on like the fridge or where you experience conflict most where you can just even point to the stop sign and be like okay we need to we need to calm down we need to take some breaths and figure out what we're doing lots of great tricks and even like you said the the link at the beginning with all those great examples

16:52 knowing your kids and what they need is huge for that and try one and if it's just not quite as effective as you'd like then try another one yeah the PDF the free resource for kids has lots and lots of ideas in it but it does strike me that if you're going to have a stop sign there or you're going to do a calm down word that means you've had a conversation ahead of time yeah I think

17:15 those that can happen in family meetings that can happen or should happen most of the time it's best to happen when things are calm we don't want to introduce these things when it's like when we're on crazy Mountain it's not going to be very effective if we're trying to implement these things but it's something you agree on ahead of time when the kids can talk about it when they are in a place and in a state where

17:35 their body's calm they're thinking rationally we're thinking rationally and we we've got a plan to help us when it gets heated and I love it and I'll bring in a little bit of what we teach in the power of questions course because that family meeting you can come to the kids with Wow we have moments when things get real crazy and we can even all laugh about crazy Mountain like did you see Mom I was bubbling like a volcano

18:00 yesterday and I didn't like that and I don't like it when I feel that way and I think things do get crazy and I'm wondering if we all have some ideas for what we could each do and maybe it's different each one has their own idea what we could do when things start to get a little bit crazy and we recognize that we're all on crazy mountain and then it's it's fun it's a fun conversation because we bring everyone

18:24 in and yeah let's explore ideas together and it's really a team at yeah it feels it feels like we're all in this together when we do it that way I love that works a lot better than whoa you're on crazy Mountain you need to go rollerblade right now right well I'm on there with you so I should probably go rollerblade too yeah for sure oh I like that okay so we've gotten to calm and we move to the

18:54 next Rock what's that the next rock is understand and so with understand we need to look at a lot of things like I mentioned before we need to stay one step ahead and before we can expect our kids to understand how their brother or their sister feels we have to understand how our kids are feeling and so thinking about outside factors that are coming into play with the kids so are they de-stressing from a really hard day are

19:18 they hangry um are there sensory issues are they feeling discouraged this discouragement was a big one for me I knew when my son was sitting at the counter doing his homework he was feeling so discouraged and if his brother or sister even looked at him wrong it was not going to be good but I knew that about him knowing that about him I can help understand that okay this is a sibling conflict could arise because of this so that's a big one even

19:45 you know marital stress even excitement like Christmas and vacation those kind of things can be breeding ground for sibling conflict so when we can understand our kids then we can help them understand themselves first and also really increase empathy by understanding their brother and or their sister and where they're coming from too I think that's so good because we can be in the middle of the sibling conflict and you know can't you see you hurt your

20:12 sister or brother or look at you know look at your sister she's crying don't you feel bad like about what happened and those kind of phrases are actually pouring on shame and what's wrong with you don't you have empathy can't you see you know what happened and and so you're flipping that and saying our kids will have a hard time showing that empathy toward their siblings if we're not giving it to them so in in the way that

20:43 I was just describing I was not having empathy for my child right yeah so if we can come in I think to the conflict once they're calmed down and and really be able to empathize like oh this is so hard like the game you lost with your brother that was really hard and that's a big deal for you and understanding where they're coming from that that's that's a big deal and not dismiss it or you know shove it under the rug that

21:05 it's not a big deal because to them it clearly is and we can say that right here we're on the rock of understanding because we know we're going to solve which is going to be they're gonna make right what they made wrong y but at this stage we want everyone to know that we get to yeah we get you we get what's going on here the other pieces that's really great in the understanding rack is thinking about what skills we want to

21:29 build in our kids too so we talk in Connected families about you know that your kids are called incapable and this is kind of where I see that in this process for example I have one child who he can get pretty quiet and not stand up for himself as much as when he needs to he can you know fall victim a little bit more easily and so I know and I see in him like I want to build this skill of

21:52 him standing up for himself for this confidence that he has and for you know him being able to advocate for himself self and so when there's sibling conflict with him I really work on helping him to use his voice can you tell your brother how that made you feel can you do you know instead of telling me about it I want you to talk to him about it I think that could be it could end up being a thing you know long term

22:15 or maybe he never learns how to stand up for himself when he was wrong so that's a skill I see that I want to build in him and then I can use that when there is sibling conflict to help show him that he can do this and I remember that sometimes that the working through understanding would things would start to get heated again and maybe then we'd have to jump back to calm rock yeah yeah not necessarily linear there can be some

22:38 back and forth yeah yeah we we can skip around a little bit and that's okay and it's also messy and that's okay too but once we've worked through understand is there any point that you know you're ready to move to the next Rock that's a great question I think when they're both at a place where they understand each other I know that seems really easy but you know if if you sense that you're not having to go back to

23:03 calm again like are we continuing to get worked up and go back do we feel like we're both in a good place of understanding where we know our kids so well I think parents don't give themselves enough credit for just knowing your kids like is it showing true empathy do you really see that they're able to connect with their sibling on this and understand where they're coming from and that looks different for all different stages you

23:26 know my kids are a little bit older so they can verbalize that like what do you think that made him feel like and young kids can and sometimes with younger kids we might have to give them the words a little bit do you think that made him feel sad or having them use a feeling chart but you can sense it I think there's I think parents need to be confident in knowing like okay I think we I think they understand where the

23:45 other person is coming from and knowing that it naturally almost just moves towards okay I think we're ready to to go to the next Rock I think you're right and sometimes it takes a little bit of time and sometimes it can be quick yeah and so to just to really be ready to flow with how the conversation goes I think is important to say thing I wanted to mention too is I think there was one of the families that I actually talked

24:09 about in the workshop too is they stayed in like the calm we're kind of backing up here but they stayed in calm for weeks they didn't even move to like learning how to understand yet because they knew that they really wanted to teach their girls how to calm down and how to do that well and that might be with each of the rocks where it's like okay we might not be to the solve Point yet but we really are working on empathy

24:33 and understanding each other so we're going to hit this hard for all sibling conflicts for the next couple weeks so it's okay it doesn't have to be this like mathematical formula that you work through I love it because it gets back to one of the principles that we just teach over and over again like we are here to grow wisdom in our kids there's so much wisdom in each one of these steps or these rocks that we're working

24:57 on that is lifetime skill that we're growing in our kids so don't be afraid to stay there for a little bit I like it okay we're going to move to the next one the third one which is solve and so the big idea with solve is we want to restore the relationship you know we want to make right what was wrong that's the goal for all of this it's not just to like wrap it up in a cute little bow

25:20 and be like oh we solved the problem when relationships are broken we want them to be made right and so you mentioned asking questions and ask asking questions is a huge tool that we can use in helping kids solve problems and so you know even you know simple questions like what's going on in here when we do that our tone and our body posture is really important when we're asking those kind of things how do you

25:42 want to solve this so that everyone feels cared for you know so then they're giving both parties the opportunity to to talk about that or even like have you solved this conflict before what did you do that solved it before why can't we take turns or what would it look like if we took turns what would you wish you would have done differently and that's something you can ask even at the end but the questions are such a great way

26:03 to build wisdom in our kids and knowing that they have it in themselves so if we can ask those curious questions to them to help them solve that can be a huge a huge piece in the solve that's really good and I mean if kids are really little sometimes they need ideas to help sometimes they don't sometimes when they're little it's just like well you have it first and I'll have it second or I'll have it first and you'll have it

26:25 second or you know the the solve comes really quickly and easily sometimes when they're older it can or it can get a lot more complicated I don't know it goes back and forth yeah but I think what I want to say is that as parents we want to help as much as is needed and not more so that's why I love that you said we start with questions because we can ask them questions and see if they have some answers yeah and

26:52 then if they're struggling then I can offer some options what about this or what about that if we're doing the solve and there needs to be you know some consequences that are in place for something attaching it to what happened is always so important so if you've got little kids or big kids who end up hurting each other by hitting so okay you know we talk about like you used your hands to hurt how do you use your

27:15 hands to heal now and that might be drawing a picture for your brother that you hurt or it might be you know he he needs to go pick up this is personal example 100 pucks I can go help him do that I can make it right by going help him do that what ways can we mend that words can be a hard thing in our house right now too as they get older that tongue can be so sharp and so we really

27:37 teach them to try and do the four true and kinds you know if there was something that was said that can be really hurtful how do we say four true and kind things about your brother or sister and making the difference between a compliment and an affirmation we can be like I really like your hair I mean yes we really like your hair but let's can we go deeper I really loved when my kids got a little bit older and had

28:00 money and it was okay I'll take you to Starbucks and I'll buy you a coffee that is so great yeah when they're willingly giving up their hard-earned money to bless the other one that can that's pretty sweet right to make it right and and then if I was in it then when I would get a coffee date it was like Mom how can I make it right you can take me to Coffee that's what you can do I love

28:26 it well another one that we had with our boys is like making the relationship right like we said is the main goal so it was this summer and one of the neighbor boys came up and knocked on the door and wanted to to play with one of the boys and he was like yeah I don't have anything going on let's go he's ready to run out the door he's like Mom I'm going to go play and I'm like have

28:46 you made right what was wrong with your brother before I don't want you to invest in this other relationship before you make right this relationship that's really important at home so I'm like I'm I would love for you to go play with your friend but this needs to be done first you know being able to and it's not just a quick I'm sorry then like what does that look like is going to be different for everyone but how can they

29:06 make that relationship right again because we care so much about restoration and making right and bringing our relationships especially in our family unit it's with everyone but in our family unit these are the important places that we invest and so that's good okay we we are at the last Rock the last rock is celebrate so we have come through calm calm down worked to understand each other and how each

29:36 other is feeling and then we've solved it so how can we solve the conflict and so the kids have come to a solution they made a plan and so now we get to celebrate that so let's talk about that yeah celebrate I think it just gets overlooked a lot you solve and you move on right but this is what gets celebrated gets remembered and I love that because I just think of like I want you guys to remember this like you can

30:01 do this you can work through this so we're going to celebrate it and celebrating can look so different and all different levels you know it could be physical affection if you're you know comfortable with a hug or a high- five or a fist bump if if there's time allows you do a fun activity together like you guys worked so hard to do that how about we play a game together and I'll help you we I'll be there with you ones that

30:20 I've used with my kids not that they're older is taking a picture together and sending it to me so they were playing a game together and it got kind of out of control we did the piece process and I was like when you guys are done I want you to play the game again together and then when you're done send me a picture of you guys having fun and they did that and it was just so it's so sweet and now

30:40 we have this like memory of it too of them celebrating that they did it and they were able to work through it so it's just it's a big thing celebrating is something that I think we miss a lot I remember giving them both like a dollar to go into McDonald's and get an ice cream cone to together you're dating yourself but that would be great it might have been a little bit more than a dollar they love that or I

31:05 would just give them money to go and get what they wanted at like run into the grocery store on the way home from school and you could get something what you want yeah they were a little older to be able to go in by themselves at that point but yeah celebrating is so important for all that we do the changes that we want to make in ourselves in our kids like when we can celebrate even even small wins because I think about

31:33 when I was just starting to learn the peace process and using it with my kids there were probably times that I would say I got to the end and I was like I don't know I I think we got through it I think this was good we sure bounced rocks back and forth a little bit but you know but I would just say like you got through it like there was work that was done to to even understand the four

32:00 rocks to work through the Rocks there is celebrating to do we can celebrate any little bit of progress and that will Propel us to further growth in the future yeah and another thing too is celebrating along the way I think you know one of the ideas even with younger kids and I'm bringing up the hitting again but recognizing that if your child is prone to hitting and they didn't hit like call that out and celebrate that

32:27 sounds so silly but it's like oh look at that I know that it's really hard for you not to hit your brother or sister but I just saw that you didn't and that's so great so we're celebrating even though we haven't come to this full Utopia but we're celebrating along the way and that builds confidence in our kids too I like that yeah so as parents like this is why that shift that we talked about in the beginning is so

32:52 important the shift away from all conflict is bad to now no conflict is an opportunity conflict actually could even grow some really great skills in my kids that they will need in the future this conflict is actually offering me the opportunity to teach them a tool that they're going to be able to use for the rest of their life so I have this brain shift which means that now I can stay calmer and I can look for the good in what's going on

33:20 throughout the process and that's what allows me to be able to celebrate those wins all along the way to recognize my child didn't hit wow that's great last time he might have so I really want to celebrate that that's the celebrating all the way and then this rock of Celebration is really for your kids yeah like let them celebrate in whatever way you guys all decide seems great yeah yeah it's fun I like that okay so we

33:48 were talking about the peace process which is what we suggest the tool for walking through conflict in the Heat of the Moment but what about helping our kids with sibling conflict outside of the moment yeah I I think it's a huge benefit to us as parents and to really Foster the relationship your kids have with each other outside of that conflict it kind of makes you think like why would they want to restore something that wasn't really good so really

34:15 focusing on the good and like example I have is my oldest and my youngest were having a hard time with each other it was just they were butting heads a lot and so I could see that we needed to work on their relationship a little bit and so the opportunity or goes were they happen to be the only two home and so I was like okay you guys are in a good place what would be something fun that

34:35 you two can do together and they chose to play a game and so then I was just really intentional about them setting this up with each other and like you guys can play this game together and then when you're done you can do your own thing but knowing that I'm building that relationship with them ahead of time is going to help during the peace for us to be like oh I really like them I do want to resolve this so we kind of

34:56 give them something that to go back to I remember when I was thinking about that and just how can I set my kids up to deepen their relationship with each other and I remember there were some birthdays coming up in our family extended family and so I would give them the money that I would spend on the gift and they would have to decide what gift to get and then go buy it this is they were a little bit older probably more

35:23 like Middle School at the time but they had to work together to do that and I loved just trying to be creative yeah in figuring out ways in our daily life that they could work together on something and to even bring out their own skills like you know one is good at this and the other one is good at that so instead of just helping out like I think you need to go ask your sister she's really

35:44 good at that can you work together I love that like we're big on we're very busy with all the schedules but if you're around and your brother or sister has a game we're going to go support them you know like we get to go do that it's not a have to like we get to go cheer them on and celebrate that you know it's just keeping that family unit intact and that way is super important for us instead of us all end up ending

36:07 up being this island on our own good well I know parents have asked me I remember asking this question also but I think I'll ask you Megan just to pray for parents because this is this is a highly emotive issue but the question is this like we've walked through the process it can take time so I can hear the parents saying whoa that is a lot I mean we have fights all day long sometimes so do you have any answer to

36:34 that question of like do we do this every time my child is my children are having a conflict that's a great question too because it it can seem overwhelming and exhausting to be like I don't have time in the day to do the peace process every time that there's a fight I think knowing when there is a broken relationship knowing when that relationship has been severed is when we want to do the peace process because we

36:57 want to make right what was made wrong and repair and restore the relationship so that's the filter I tend to use it through there can be a lot of scuffles where we may move past like the understand s celbrate pretty quickly and not spend a ton of time on it but when I can tell that one of them is hurt you know really bad by what happened that's when we're going to like dig into it and

37:19 really put the time in so yeah that's kind of I when the relationship has been broken is kind of when we want to focus on it I like that when the relationship has been broken when feelings are really really hurt yeah and I think I introduced it to my kids outside of a conflict so I printed off the page the picture and we just talked through it and so that they knew the next time we had a big conflict this

37:46 is how I wanted us to practice walking through it and what I loved is that they learned it really pretty quickly and started doing it themselves until it got to a point where I was like do you need me to help you walk through the peace process or I would even say is this a peace process conflict like so that language of how how bad is this right now and sometimes they'd be like no it's fine it's not that big a deal yeah

38:12 teaching them I think is a huge piece of it I'm so glad you mentioned that it's like they're capable of knowing and like we have those great graphics of helping kids understand what we do and that's the goal is not for us to be there every time walking them through the process but to equip them to walk through it with their conflict themselves well Megan thanks for being with us today we'll have your information in the show

38:35 notes to in case anyone would like to get a hold of you but because I know that this topic does raise a lot of emotion in parents I would just love it if we can end our podcast today with you just praying for our community and anyone that is walking through a hard time yeah absolutely I'd love to um heavenly father thank you so much for um just this connected families community and just for the parents who are

39:01 listening parents who are in the trenches who are walking through a lot of conflict when things seem really really hard at home I pray Lord that you would see these parents that they would feel seen that they would feel known and that they would feel loved I pray Lord that you would help them to shift their perspective on sibling conflict as an opportunity to show your grace and truth to their kids just to think of like how

39:24 much grace and truth you give to us and that um we can just overflow that into into our homes Lord I just pray for the the tired worn out parent who has really just had enough of the sibling conflict I pray for peace in their home knowing that you can restore all things I pray for right relationships within siblings within marriages within homes within all relationships Lord I pray that you would just help us to use these tools for to

39:49 build your kingdom which is in right relationship with you and with those around us in Jesus name amen amen thanks for being on the podcast has today Megan thanks for having me it was so fun well thanks for tuning in today friends we are a listener supported organization over 50,000 parents like you listen to this podcast every month individual donations make the work to equip and encourage families possible for more information about connected families follow us on Instagram or Facebook or go

40:20 to Connected families.org I will see you next time