3 Discipline Mistakes Parents Often Make | Why Positive Discipline Isn't Working

0:00 so we all know discipline is hard especially if you are trying to be a positive parent you're trying to stop yelling and punishing uh using bribes and threats to try to get your child to cooperate um and you might be wondering as you're on this journey to be coming and maintaining positive parenting you know am i being too mean am i being too inflexible am i being too permissive i mean how do i keep setting limits in a way that you

0:31 know gets results and sets you know effective boundaries but also doesn't compromise the relationship right so if this sounds like you this episode is for you um because if you were to ask me you know okay dr jasmine what does it take to discipline effectively i would say some of the magical components of discipline are an understanding of your child an understanding of what they can and they can't do from a developmental perspective i think

1:01 that is really important and something that often gets missed also a connection ideally we connect before during and after we set limits regulation of our emotions so that we can help our child regulate their own emotions because oftentimes these moments are difficult and we are if they're charged emotionally speaking so being able to regulate our own emotions is so important when we think about discipline of course we're not always going to get

1:31 it right but that is something to keep and stay mindful of also clear instructions we have to make sure that we are clear and that we have thought out right boundaries and consequences right that we've taken some time to think about this beforehand so that we can um be consistent uh when we set boundaries and they're more thoughtful and intentional so in this episode i'm gonna share three of the common mistakes that i see happen all

2:01 the time uh when it comes to disciplining young children and be sure to stay until the end because i have a bonus mistake that i don't want you to miss hi hello and welcome back to my channel if you are new here i am dr jasmine i'm a clinical psychologist as well as a mom of two little girls with one on the way and around here we love to talk about all things positive parenting especially discipline

2:26 um tantrums child development and how do we keep our own sanity as parents i mean it all just kind of flows so well together so that's my jam that's what i love talking about um and real quick before we dive into the episode i just want to share that i have something really special coming up for you guys um and that is my eight week uh live intensive group coaching program for parents of children between the ages of

2:54 two to seven so young children who are struggling with discipline and particularly struggling with their child's intense behavioral difficulties like aggression and tantrums not listening uh all of that fun stuff right the stuff that really keeps us up late at night and really stresses us out and gets in the way of life i love to help parents transform the way that they see their child the way that they interact with their child and the way that they feel

3:24 as a parent so i am launching this live group coaching program where you get to work one-on-one with me so it includes uh one-on-one sessions with me as well as weekly group coaching um where it's less focused on the content i think of course content is important but oftentimes we reach a ceiling right and it's more that i want to help you and your particular issue and answer your questions and give you insights that you may not even be

3:51 thinking about right that you might not even have considered um and so i'm really excited it's for a very limited amount of families because i want to be able to uh coach and work with these families on a more intimate level and so i'm opening up the waitlist this week for a limited time so if you are interested if this at all sounds interesting to you and you want to learn more be sure to sign up for the wait

4:17 list so that then i can email you more information when the um coaching program opens up it will be opening this summer so if you're interested go to themompsycologist.com forward slash wait list and that's where you can put in your information and i will email you when the application process opens up so you do have to apply um and only a limited amount of families will be accepted for this first round so i hope to see you inside i am so excited

4:47 about this program i think that we are going to do such amazing work together all right let's dive into this episode uh without further ado let's talk about the three biggest mistakes with a bonus at the end i'll share a fourth one but three biggest mistakes that i see parents do when it comes to discipline so mistake number one is not being consistent okay this looks like one day you're enforcing a rule and then the other day you're like ah

5:16 whatever go ahead and do it or one day you're okay with your child doing ex behavior and then the other day you're not okay with it right so i'm now i'm not saying that it's not okay to ever change your mind right of course we change our mind of course things change of course we feel different from different you know in different contexts around different people but overall if you're not being consistent when it comes to your expectations

5:46 your boundaries and your limits for your child then that is a huge mistake right because then your child gets really really confused um and i like to equate what happens to gambling right we all know like let's say we're going to a slot machine putting our pennies in or whatever quarters um and sometimes it rewards us with a little bit of extra uh money and sometimes it doesn't right and you never know

6:17 when you're gonna put that magical quarter in and receive this huge payoff right and that is why gambling is so addictive because we don't know when we're gonna get the reward it's called um intermittent reinforcement right and so obviously the slot machines they know that it's highly addictive and that's why they do that right where you just it's so random you never know when you're going to be rewarded and that's the same thing that happens when we are inconsistent with our kids

6:49 right they never know you know at what point you're going to give in and just be like okay it's fine right just take the candy or whatever it is right and so they will keep pushing our buttons they will scream louder and louder they're going to up the ante because they know at some point you're going to give in they just don't know when right they keep putting their quarters in the slot machine if you will

7:14 and so it's so important that we stay consistent even if our child uh pushes our buttons right and especially if our child pushes our buttons now of course again this does not mean that there's gonna be this huge bat oh you know backlash if we change our mind or we you know are flexible about our limits but it's important that we come to that conclusion on our own not because of our child if that makes sense right that we internally reflect

7:45 and we think about it and we're like okay actually i changed my mind here and this is why and you can come to your child and say you know what i changed my mind i'm thinking about this differently here's the plan right that's much different than okay johnny just go take the candy bar right so it's really really important that we are consistent because if not if we are inconsistently rewarding them or worse we're rewarding them for their whining

8:14 and crying and demanding then they're learning something right all i have to do is do this behavior enough do this behavior consistently do this behavior loud enough and it will eventually pay off so be consistent what i love to recommend is choose you know a couple family rules a couple non-negotiables i'd say no more than three that you can consistently set limits around um like a brick wall right very consistent

8:46 so maybe that's j you know rules and limits around gentle touches rules and limits around respectful language or you know going to bed at a certain time whatever it is just choose two no more than three consistent rules and reinforce those and consistently enforce them i should say consistently enforce them like a brick wall okay let's get into mistake number two which is confusing punishing

9:17 with having a stern voice okay and i think this is a common concern right i think many parents fear that they're be they're punishing their child um and being really mean when they have to change their voice when they have to change their voice from hell yes to okay i need you to listen right or whatever it is right to a very stern voice or many parents will avoid setting boundaries because they're afraid that

9:49 they're going to be too mean right that they're going to be too punishing um and too stern with their kids often times parents will struggle with this because they had very punishing parents not all the time but this is often what i hear right it's like i don't want to repeat this cycle i don't want a parent the way that my dad or my mom did or my grandma or my grandpa right i don't want to be that person and

10:14 so because they were super mean super stern um and punishing i want to do the exact opposite and then they go to the other end of the spectrum and so it's really important that we we know the difference between punishing and you like a punishing voice and a punishing attitude versus being stern with our kids and oftentimes i feel like positive parenting um gets a bad rep because it's confused with permissive parenting right that i

10:46 if i am a positive parent i can't use a stern voice with my children and that's not true because here's the bottom here's the bottom line about tone right it's really an important part of communication actually 70 of communication is our non-verbal cues which includes the ways in which we express ourselves through our our facial cues the our tone right a lot of our message um is going to be understood through those things not exactly what we say but how we say it

11:17 right and so our tone must match our body language and the words that are coming out of our mouth right they all have to kind of go together and it's really important part of getting our child's attention right if we are always using this one way to talk with our child and you know the friendly and okay then when we change our tone it it helps them pay attention right oh something's different i need to pay attention right so it is

11:48 perfectly fine and sometimes necessary in most cases to use a stern voice in a stern tone when setting boundaries with your little ones this helps children know okay something has changed it's time to pay attention what is being said is important right now what is the difference between a stern tone and punishing one when we're punishing we are upset we

12:20 are angry we are flying off the handle we're not even being mindful of what we say um and we're more so focused on getting our child to um obey us um some oftentimes inflict pain to get them to pay attention and obey us that is very very different than using a stern or let's call it serious tone of voice where we are mindful of what we say we are we have again going

12:51 back to the beginning of this episode um an essential part of discipline is is having thoughtful boundaries and consequences so while we are using our stern voice we are using language that is intentional that is thought out and we are focused on being very clear on what we need and helping our child with that while staying connected of course so it's a dance if you will but

13:21 don't miss don't confuse the two don't think that because you're using a stern or serious voice that you are being punishing or you are being mean okay again this is oftentimes necessary in getting our child to pay attention and understand the ways in which we are communicating all right mistake number three is not determining the consequences ahead of time now we've been talking about this a little bit um in this episode but i want to go into

13:49 this in more depth because this is a common common mistake right so often we are coming up with consequences on the fly right we are flustered uh and all we want or all we are thinking about is the here and now and we haven't thought about what we wanted to say and how you know and been intentional so what happens is then we end up threatening right then we end up using using that punish that punishment

14:17 uh flavor if you will right if you don't do this then you're not playing with this right or stop doing that or we're leaving now right that's a threat right or i'm leaving you here bye you know like threatening to leave them threatening to take things away uh all of that you know using those threats because we are flustered we are in the moment and we are upset right and we think okay i've got to do something

14:43 now right it's like an emergency and oftentimes if we step back behavior happens in a cycle right behaviors tend to repeat themselves there tends to be a pattern but we won't really see the pattern or recognize the pattern if we don't take a step back right and think about this when everybody is calm especially you all right when you're calm think about the patterns that are happening um because you'll see that oftentimes your child tends to do similar behaviors

15:14 in similar situations and when you notice the patterns right when things start to happen over and over again then that's your cue that it's time to plan ahead right whenever something has happened more than two times it's time to plan ahead or even more than once right you're like all right this has now happened again this is something that i should pay attention to and determine okay what is going to be the boundary what is going to be the

15:42 consequence to determine that ahead of time so that you're prepared in that moment right so let's use an example to kind of drive this home let's say that your child often refuses to clean up their room right you go to let them know hey it's time to clean your room i need you to put your books on the bookshelf i need you to do x y z right you try to use very clear language break up a big task into little tiny

16:05 tasks so your child doesn't feel overwhelmed you even try to like you know do it with them and make it fun like you're trying all these things right and you're like okay what gives this is not working okay we've got a pattern here so then you want to think about okay so how can i set my child up for success the next time that they refuse to clean their room so you want to think about the

16:32 consequence beforehand and oftentimes that looks like not being able to do fun things uh that they enjoy let's say watching screens right or playing outside or whatever it is right until they clean their rooms and this is important right because this is not done in a pu in a punitive way this is not done out of anger because we have thought this out then what we are

17:04 basically saying is okay i get to decide the schedule here right what i do get to control is your access to screens or whatever right um and so we cannot have you know x i'm using screens as an example we cannot have screens until we clean our room now this is not a threat this is okay i understand i can't control you right you might not feel up to cleaning your room totally fine i just need you

17:32 to know when you clean your room then we can watch our screens and that's a very different it's subtle but it's a very different tone it's a very different energy right now i will say again caveat here if your child is struggling with with um cleaning their room think about developmentally right what what they can and cannot do and a lot of times especially for the little ones they struggle if things are not broken down for them into tiny tasks right it feels

18:02 very overwhelming we might just look at it and be like just get it done right you've done this before do it again put your toys in the toy box put your books on the bookshelf blah blah blah right but to them it's very overwhelming so just be sure and be mindful and make sure that your approach is developmentally appropriate and that you've broken down the task i'm you know going with the cleaning your room example break down the task of cleaning and

18:26 and get involved especially if they struggle with this um or let's say another example they often refuse to leave the park when it's time to leave right they throw tantrums they run away they yell when you're like okay it's time to leave so then what would you do in that situation okay i this is a pattern again right this has happened more than once i would even say what happened one time we can start to um think about this in a different way

18:58 you're like oh okay you're showing me you're struggling with this so let me help you out here one of the key things is to plan ahead by setting clear expectations before you even get to the park okay so i had this issue happen a little story time this happened one time with my youngest daughter after she saw somebody else another child throw a tantrum at the park so then she wanted to do the same thing because she's like okay look i just saw

19:28 that kind of modeled for me i want to try this out you know so we had so right in that moment um i got down on her level i i moved her to the side of the park right so she had some privacy we all had some privacy got down on her level and i spoke in a very stern tone and said it's time to leave would you like to hold my hand or would you like to walk on your own

19:55 and i even said i know you saw your friend have a hard time leaving the park and i understand it is a it's hard to leave the park we're having so much fun so you offer that validation and it's time to leave the park okay with that we were able to leave the park without incident but of course do you think i just left it there no so when we got home everybody was calm we talked about it again

20:21 and talked about her feelings that came up talked about how we can work as a team when it's time to leave the park and then when we go to go to the park that next time i'm setting clear expectations hey we're gonna stay here um for a while i will let you know when it's almost time to leave the park so definitely give your child uh warnings you know like okay five more minutes one more minute

20:48 and then it's time right you don't want to give them too many warnings but give them one or two just like heads up that it's almost time to transition and so okay going back to before you go to the park you let them know and when it's time to go it's time to go right and that i wanna this is what i told her i said i love coming to the park with you i wanna keep coming to the

21:12 park and having fun but i can't keep coming to the park if we're not having fun and if it ends in this way it doesn't make me want to keep coming to the park with you so how can we work as a team so that we can end on a good note okay and there it's not a threat it's just we're not going to be able to have this fun privilege if every time it ends in a

21:34 big catastrophe right and the overarching message is i want to work as a team right i'm on your side i understand this is hard and how can we move us along and so you get their ideas but basically what they're learning is okay this is the expectation here right this is the limit and i understand where i am i understand where my parent is and i feel safe in this boundary right this my parent has this boundary they've clearly

22:05 communicated it with me so anyways i'm kind of going on a tangent here because this is really an important part of discipline all these all these different components right there's so much that goes into it but number one like a huge mistake is not determining the consequence or the limit ahead of time and not really coming up with a plan when behaviors start to repeat themselves okay so more and more if we can move from reactive parenting to intentional

22:33 parenting we are going to feel more confident and our child is going to feel safer because we are not going to be responding in anger and threats and punishments now i promised you a bonus one bonus mistake is going back to that angry and reactive parenting well huge mistake here and i know we are all human right we are all learning we're never going to be perfect at this but a mistake that i often see is disciplining and making choices when

23:01 we are angry right nothing good ever comes um out of trying to discipline when angry have you have you noticed that right that oftentimes we end up regretting what we said regretting what we did regretting the ways in which we did things because we had such charged emotions because we were so frustrated and angry um now of course caveat here there are moments where we have to be reactive where we where there is a true

23:32 emergency and we have to establish safety so i'm not talking about those moments when there is a true threat to your child safety or somebody else's safety then of course we need to throw our intentional parenting out the window and do what we can to establish safety but very few things in parenting are true actual emergencies right they feel like emergencies they feel like we need to handle them in the moment but often we end up saying and doing

24:02 things um that we later regret when we try to discipline when we're angry so from here on out what i like to say and what i like to recommend is just having a role with yourself that you don't make you don't make decisions when you're angry right that when you're angry and you notice that you're angry your first step is going to be to calm yourself down not to try to make decisions and think rationally right

24:27 because it's really hard to do that in these in these moments and and knowing and just having some trust that you don't need to handle everything in the moment that it will be okay you will still be an effective parent if not more effective i would say but there's a fear that if i don't handle this right now if i don't say something if i don't do something then they're not going to learn and they're going to think they can get away with

24:54 this right there's that fear and i think that's what drives us to react right and have that reactive parenting approach and so there takes an element of trust of you know i trust that we will get back on track but first i need to take care of my first myself right first i need to calm down and i need to model that for my child so that they don't so that they learn that it's okay to take care of ourselves first before

25:19 we make decisions right because that's kind of what we're trying to teach that to our child too right that they can first calm themselves down before they make decisions in their life right and again discipline means to teach it means to guide with instruction and it's very hard to teach it's very hard to be our child's guide when we are angry when we are when we are experiencing intense emotions like anxiety fear frustration um sadness right all of those emotions

25:51 right it's hard to do that it's hard to focus on being a teacher when we ourselves need some help right and need to regulate ourselves um so just have a simple rule with yourself you know i don't make decisions when i'm upset that could be the family rule and that's such again such a powerful thing to model for your child and this is something that you can talk out loud about you know in the moment when you

26:16 are feeling frustrated and something is happening this is not an emergency i'm gonna take some time to calm down so i can think clearly and we will get back on track right i'll let you know when i'm ready i will be back or whatever it is if you need to go take a break but again such a powerful modeling opportunity that is it for this episode i know it was a lot let me know what mistake kind

26:38 of stood out to you let me know if you have other questions about this i'm happy to make more videos about discipline again this is what we talk about on this channel so be sure to subscribe if you're not already and if you are interested in my live group coaching program be sure to hop on the waitlist so you're the first to know when the program is open when applications have started because i will only be accepting a small amount of

27:01 families so that i can serve in powerful ways and again this program is for you if you're struggling with discipline if you're struggling with your child's behaviors and you want to feel like a more calm but also connected and confident parent who disciplines consistently right and not reactively um so if that sounds like you be sure to hop on the waitlist for my live group coaching program that will be starting very very soon um you can go to the

27:31 mompsychologist.com forward slash waitlist for more information and to hop on that wait list all right i will see you guys in the next episode bye