Summary 08: What Is Collaborative Parenting? Real Parent Story

0:07 [music] Hello and welcome to the Your Parenting Mojo podcast. Today I'm talking with Miley and I first met her in the Taming Your Triggers workshop last year. She's a therapist and a parent of two who's been working to bring collaborative parenting ideas into her daily life. And we're going to dig into something I know a lot of you are dealing with right now. this kind of big tension between caring about what's happening in the world and also having the energy and capacity to show up for your kids in ways that match your values. In this short episode, you'll hear Miley talk about how her window of tolerance gets smaller when she's paying attention to global crisis and how that affects her parenting. And we'll work through a real example from her day, a power struggle over putting sheets back on the bed after a meltdown before dinner. So, this is an edited version of our much deeper 60-minute conversation where we looked at ways to build connection with others, even when you're in a place where you aren't fluent in the local language. We explored the idea of reading your child's body language and catching their micro signals before difficult situations escalate. And the Miley had a really big insight about how she holds her four-year-old more accountable than her husband sometimes. So, full episodes about 60 minutes. is available right now when you join the parenting membership at your parentingmojo.com/parenting membership along with a whole library of membersonly content an amazing community monthly coaching calls with me and so much more. So again, if you're not a member yet, you can join at your parentingmojo.com/paringmembership and get immediate access to this full episode. And also just want to briefly mention enrollment for the Taming Your Triggers workshop where I originally met Miley is open from February 22nd to March 4th, 2026. So we can all start together on March 9th. You can sign up for that and learn more at your parentingmojo.com/tamingyoutriggers.

2:05 Okay, let's jump in. So welcome Miley. Firstly, it's so great to have you here. >> Yeah, thank you so much for having me. And so I wondered, can you just tell us a little bit about who you are and some of the things that are important to you? What what's what's uh important in your world right now? >> Oh yeah. Um that's hard to locate because it feels like so many things are important, but um first and foremost, I think my family uh is incredibly important. My two kids, uh I have a 1 and a halfyear-old and a four-year-old.

2:41 um and my partner um my work is really important to me as well. Um and also everything going on in the world feels really important and incredibly um urgent I I think is the word I want to use. So in your email to me, you had initially mentioned that sometimes it seems as though you get bogged down in news from Gaza, which was, you know, very prominent at the time, and other other crises have come up since then as well. And so there there's this broader stuff that's happening in the world. And you're a working mom who has to get dinner on the table every day. And I wonder, can you tell us a little bit more about that that tension, that stress that you feel in between those two the two the way those two things show up in your life?

3:35 >> Yeah, I mean tension is a great word for it because it does feel like there is a lot of tension. Um, and I think this is a phrase that we hear a lot in psychology and I think that you use it as well, but this idea of window of tolerance, um, you know, feels so present for me often. And um I notice how much the world events um as well as like my own outside stressors affect my parenting and and the patients that I show up with and how um non-compliance-based I can show up um with um and in so I think that those are those are the biggest like tensions. I think that it's a lot easier for me to go into a compliance uh based framework. Um it's it's I I mean I think for for most of us or many of us it's really easy to default to that space. And so if I don't have a lot of capacity and particularly dinner time, right, it's like it's the end of the day. You're already like you've already used up a lot of your capacity. Um, and so I think that, you know, if I have just watched the news or um, you know, have spent more time on social media than I usually do, then I really notice um, I mean, it just feels like a a power drain. Um, and so, you know, snipping at my kids more often, having less patience about things, noticing myself falling back into um really like behavior focused parenting. Um, and getting really stuck on things. Uh, I also find that just my general like I think my irritation is higher, like my rage is higher. Um, this sense of like everything being the biggest deal in the world. Uh, I think that I noticed that a lot in my body.

5:29 Um, and and yeah, um, so having to find ways to ground, which is not always successful. >> So tell me about a challenging time that didn't go the way that you hoped and and how did you come back around after the woods and what what might you do differently next time? >> Yeah, I mean, um, I'm sure I could think of like a thousand examples, but maybe I'll just share one from today actually because it feels really present. Um, we have been having a lot of problems with hitting and scratching um, still and just kind of the impulsivity of that. Um, and so it's not my favorite way to handle it, but we're at the point where we're we kind of take a pause. Um, and so that pause can be on the couch or in his room. like we don't necessarily have a set point, but we do generally stop what we're doing and we take a pause. I'm always open to talking. Um, but if he doesn't want to talk, then we generally have a pause. Um, and so the pause in his room turned into him destroying his room, essentially taking all the pillows and the sheets off the bed, um, and feeling really disregulated. And so I came back and tried to talk to him again. Um, which was really unsuccessful. Um, and it kind of just became this power struggle of oh, and then dinner was ready. And so, you know, we were called to the dinner table. And then it was like, okay. Um, so I think I at that point really felt in invited into that power struggle of like, well, you have to put the sheets back on the bed before we go eat. And now that I've said that, I have to commit to it in some way. Um, and so then there is this like weird I think tongue twister that happens in my head. Um, you know, this fight of if I don't follow through on this, am I going to be seen as um I'm not even so worried about being seen as like the disciplinarian or the, you know, but more just the person that follows through. And I'm actually kind of thinking a bit about your um your podcast episode on lying and just this idea of when we follow through, right?

7:41 And so I'm thinking like, okay, if I don't follow through on this, am I going to be a liar? Like, is it going to, you know, be this bigger trust thing? And then there's the other part of me that is like, this is so not a big deal. Like, you know, let it happen. And at some point, someone will put the sheets back on the bed and we will move on with our lives. And so there's kind of these two fights happening. Um, and I was able to stay regulated and I think in my window of tolerance, which was one win that felt good about tonight. Um, but we basically just left the blankets and the sheets on the floor until bedtime after we did dinner and shower and uh, a little bit of TV time. And uh finally after I asked him, you know, maybe for the fifth time, he put them back on the bed and uh we moved on with our night.

8:33 Um >> so I think that uh it could that could have been a lot worse, but it also didn't feel like a, you know, a huge win because we we weren't able to really have that conversation around needs and and it didn't feel like a problem solve. We just sort of got through it, >> right? Well, it's hard to do in the moment, right? [laughter] >> Yes. >> Yeah. Um, I'm curious about that moment when you said you put the sheets back on the bed before dinner time.

9:04 >> What was happening in that moment for you? >> Yeah. I mean, I think just kind of that fight that I was sharing, you know, the like the pressure starts building for sure. And I think that there is this this invitation into the anger of um you know wanting to um wanting I mean I think you you referenced power and control like I think those are moments where um it's like am I going to somehow try to force this or make him you know am I going to grab his hands and we're going to put the blanket on together or um am I going to do it angrily and cause a scene?

9:48 Um, so I think um, yeah, I think that those are things that start to come up for me in that moment. Um, yeah, and certainly this desire to control the situation. >> Yeah, for sure. >> I mean, I think that I think I was feeling really frustrated that he wouldn't talk to me. And so, I think that my frustration actually came from like, I'm trying to do this the right way. Like, let me do it the right way. like let's have this conversation even if you're not ready for it because that's what I need. So I think that I really wanted to have the problem solving conversation and I certainly heard you speak about this before, right? That if we're like forcing them into the problem, you know, if we're like forcing them into negotiating, then that's [laughter] kind of like totally missing the the point. Um but I find myself doing that a lot actually. like we're going to sit down and talk about this and we're going to make a plan and figure this out and it's going to feel good for everyone, you know, and then I either hear myself starting to say that or I hear myself say it and um and I'm kind of laughing at myself and I'm feeling really frustrated at the same time.

10:59 >> At the same time. Yeah. Yeah. And so um so I I'm thinking about Yes. How so how do we go about navigating this? I'm wondering if you can imagine it if you and your partner were having an argument [laughter] and you were feeling super frustrated with something your partner had done and your partner said, "We are going to HAVE THIS CONVERSATION RIGHT now even if you're not ready." [laughter] >> Yeah. >> What would it be like to be on the receiving end of that?

11:27 >> Oh, yeah. I mean, not good. I would get incredibly angry and shut down and Yeah. And I think that's where like the humor of it comes up for me where when I'm I'm I'm laughing because part of me is like I can understand logically that this is this is so not the right way to go about this and my blood is boiling and my heart is pounding and it feels so consuming in that moment. >> Yeah. Okay. Um thanks for for walking through this. I think we weren't expecting to go into as much detail in this example. Um, I'm wondering if we can backtrack. You you said this came from some sort of hitting, scratching, some some sort of difficult behavior like that. Where did that come from? Do you know what led up to that difficult behavior?

12:18 >> Yeah. I mean, um, well, there's like a a long history, so I'm trying to figure out how to like what is um what feels helpful to share. So, I mean, I think a lot of it comes back down to quality time. I think that um you know, we're really grateful that Elliot has a super awesome relationship with his brother and I feel super grateful of that, but I do think that he gets jealous of the attention that his um little brother gets and um and so I think quality time is probably a big need that we're not meeting for him. And so, a lot of that is showing up there.

13:00 Yeah. connection. Um and and I think that there is autonomy. Um what actually sparked the hitting today uh was that I picked him up and asked to snuggle him because I was trying to meet his need for connection. But I think that I probably uh in doing that um wasn't meeting his need or interrupted his need for a >> physical space. Yeah. >> Yes. Yeah. Mhm. Mhm. [clears throat] And I think that I notice those kinds of things coming up a lot where my intention is to be needs based and to meet one need um but I haven't considered >> all of the needs that could be happening in that moment because of course we are >> multi multi- needy people that [laughter] >> we are you know >> which is a good thing.

13:53 >> Yes. [gasps] >> Yeah. So, I'm wondering, do you know of some strategies already that he does find super connecting and that that don't sort of intersect with the sensory challenges that he has? How how does he like to connect? Is it playing with toys, Legos, dolls? Uh what kinds of things does he like to do with you? >> Yeah, he loves Legos. Um that's probably his favorite activity right now. Um he loves art a lot but that gets messy really quickly so I tend to not have the capacity for that um all days. Um so I would say Legos uh is probably yeah the biggest thing or or imaginary play. He's starting to get really into imaginary play. So um sometimes like you know he loves to be the big bad wolf and um run around his room and things like that. So yeah >> I'm hearing autonomy there as well.

14:47 Right. I'm the one [laughter] who gets to be the person who chases who's in control of the situation. So >> yeah, so so there are some things that you might be able to do for 10 minutes or so on a on a more regular potentially daily basis that could help him to stay more regulated and then you're not getting into the hitting, scratching, biting kind of stuff which so often can be a call for a connection with a parent, right? Which sounds so totally hyperintuitive. It's like, why would you do something that I've told you three million times not to do? And to the kid, it's right. It's the fastest way I know of to get your attention. What's not logical about that?

15:25 >> Of course, I'd prefer if you weren't screaming at me, but I'll take you screaming at me than doing whatever you're doing in the other room. >> So, >> yeah. Yeah, absolutely. Thank you for that. I will I will. >> Yes. It's like where to fit it in to our very tight. And I think that's the other challenge that I have that I'm sure other parents go through, but I think I feel particular pressure in Portugal. We have a pretty late evening. And so, um, you know, usually the kids are getting home kind of around 6:00 and then we try to eat by 7 and then, you know, Liam is doing kind of an 8:39 bedtime and then Elliot like right after. Um, and so it just really feels like everything is um, but we do have a little chunk of time usually at the at the beginning of of the evening that >> um, that we could probably try to do something or before bedtime potentially.

16:24 >> I'm wondering how long the meltdown process took. The quiet time in your room time, the navigating >> a lot of time, >> sheets time. [laughter] >> Yeah. Yeah. I mean, probably like at least at least 20 minutes. >> There was a real pivotal moment when in that moment when you said, uh, put the sheets back on the bed before dinner. And with the benefit of hindsight, right, you're you're calm now. You've had a chance to reflect on it. Uh, this is obviously a very different moment from the moment when you were in when you said it. But in in that moment, if it comes around again tomorrow night, what might you do differently?

17:07 Yeah, I I mean I think the thing that was coming to mind even almost in that moment or very shortly after was this idea of just dropping it and or um play and I think that it can feel really inaccessible for me to get into a play space but um >> yes. >> Yes. [laughter] Yes. Um but there are some techniques that I have had um which I had actually I think tried um I can't remember if it was a little bit earlier a little bit like there was a lot of little moments in there but um yeah that that I think just maybe saying something playful and being able to like essentially what I'm getting to is trying to um build off that need for connection and and refocus on the connection. piece that might have not been there. Um, and I think I had offered a hug before. Um, and he seemed really like he was kind of going back and forth of like wanting the hug and then pushing me away. And so there were like a lot >> his thing, right?

18:18 >> Yes. [laughter] Yes. So like we were having like a lot of little moments where there were like little releases and then the frustration was back. And so, um, I do think maybe that I know this isn't really what you asked me, but I think there now that I'm looking back, there were a couple of wins in the in the sense that I think I was really in a a thoughtful space of like, okay, how can I keep trying different things? Um, even if they're not exactly right, like, you know, I know that I don't want to show up in this way, and so how can I just keep trying to navigate? Um, but I guess the real answer is I'm not totally sure. Um, aside from play or >> May I make a couple of suggestions?

19:01 >> Yes, please. >> Yeah. Um, so a first one would be I'm sure you know the term co-regulation, right? The idea of almost having a child borrow our sense of regulation and that would could have been accessible because you said you were relatively settled in that time. Obviously, if you're on the verge of exploding, it's going to be really hard to co-regulate. >> And and what that essentially means is coming into the space where the kid is and sitting quietly and maybe not saying anything, maybe saying, "Oh my goodness, we're having a hard time right now."

19:35 >> Um, and the one one inspiration that I have started to use actually is my my daughter has what she calls her chickies. But you know the little towels that the little infants put over you put it over their head. It's got the corner and it's got a little chick thing on the corner. >> And uh we we stuffed them under the doors for smoke suppression during a really bad fire season. And she pulled them out and she's like, "These are mine now." [laughter] >> And so she has these three chickies and she sleeps with them every night. And she loves how they get her smell and it feels really comforting to her. And one night she said to me, "I just love chicks so much. They never ask anything of me and they're always just there and they're so comforting. And I was like, okay. So, when she's having a hard time, that's how she wants somebody to show up for her, right? And so, so that's really the I I almost envision myself being a chicky, [laughter] bringing that chicky mindset of I'm just going to be here and present for you.

20:32 Um, so that was idea number one. Idea number two was, I wonder what would happen if you kept sort of some Legos out on the floor in his room and if you just sat down and started putting some Legos together um and said something like, "Hey, you can come over and join me if you want." Do you think he'd be receptive to either of those things? >> Yeah, potentially. Um sitting I have tried sitting quietly not a lot of times. Um like I I definitely could do that more. Um that sometimes I think feels like a little bit triggering for him.

21:13 Like I think even having that attention sometimes feels frustrating. But >> not looking at him, right? You're not standing there looking sitting at there looking at him. You're sitting side by side. >> No. But I I I do think that I haven't fully given like the sitting there quietly just being um a real shot. So, I definitely think that's something that I could try to resource more. Um, and I think that's also like I I mean it's in the name, but the the co-regulation piece I think is a good opportunity for me also to check in because it it isn't I'm at the point and I feel really grateful for this where um your ideas and the podcast and a lot of my values are really close to me, but they're not yet integrable. And so if I can just have that pause, then I can usually get back to my grounding pretty quickly. Um it's just being able to get myself to be able to have that pause. Um so yeah, I can try that. And the Legos thing, that's interesting. Yeah, I think I think that could have um I could see him getting frustrated and coming over and like throwing the Legos at me or at the wall or something um and then playing.

22:27 Or maybe he would just come play like Yeah. >> worth a try. Yeah. >> Yeah. And I so appreciate you're letting us dig into that because I think it's beautifully illustrating uh how to shift from this power over dynamic, right, of of you will do this thing before dinner. Okay. Can we let that go? Beautiful. You did that in the moment. And now can we uh next time this kind of thing comes up because it's going to happen again, right? If they're in this phase right now, it's going to happen again. What kind of practices can we put in place to meet his need more often? Then there's going to be less scratching, hitting, biting, whatever is is happening because his need for connection is going to be met more often, in a way that feels really good to him. And also, you have some new ideas for how do we repair afterwards?

23:16 How do we come back together in a way that doesn't require that you do a certain thing, perform in a certain way before I'm willing to, you know, invite you back to the family and to the dinner table? Um, and so you're like at that point you're living the idea of really shared power. It's not I'm going to tell you how it's going to be. It's let's be in this together. >> Um, and in the sense I'm getting is that that that is really aligned with your values.

23:42 >> Yeah, absolutely. And I think I mean as you talk about the repair that is something that has been challenging for me as well but I'm trying to lean into is >> oh I mean it's challenging because I think that there are a lot of dominant narratives around um perfectionism or showing up you know perfectly or not being accountable or being scary to be accountable or um doing something wrong is failure and and all of those things which I think it's really easy for me to fall into as a parent um and have my own shame and probably also like dominant ideas of power of of being invited into things of like well I'm the parent and I shouldn't need to say that. Um and so I'm really trying to re you know relearn and and teach myself um how important it is. Thanks so much to Miley for being vulnerable with us about the hard moments as well as the wins that we discussed in our full conversation. And if you find yourself getting triggered by your kid's behavior more often than you'd like, I hope you'll consider joining me for the taming your triggers workshop. You'll get a 5 to 10 minute video once a week for 10 weeks to help you see the real origins of your triggered feelings and so much support to help you put the ideas into practice, including an online community, coaching calls with me every other week, the option to match with an accountaber buddy, and a whole bunch of threeinut practices you can use to re-eregulate yourself when things get off track. We have sliding scale pricing and a money back guarantee. I mentioned I first met Miley through the taming your triggers workshop last year and through preparing for our conversation, she actually realized she'd become a little bit disconnected from her parenting values and saw how having these principles top of mind again helped her through the situation with the bed sheets which happened the day of our conversation.

25:41 And she's actually agreed to come back as a peer coach for this time around. So, you can learn more about the workshop at your parentingmojo.com/tamingyout triggers. Enrollment's open from February 22nd to March 4th, 2026. And we have a special offer for folks who are on the wait list. So, head on over quickly to your parentingmojo.com/tamingyoutriggers if you want to get that. So, if you want to be less triggered by your kids and your partner and your parents and all the other stuff that's going on in your life, I really hope to see you there.

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