Steal My Go-To Parenting Phrases For the Most Challenging Situations

0:00 I'm just such a huge fan and I say it over and over mistakes are how we learn when my child is frustrated and they're like yes I know you made a mistake that's how we [Music] learn so as humans we're more likely to trust a message if we've heard it repeatedly over and over and over again and that's why as a mom of three and a

0:30 psychologist my secret to not only staying calmer in the moment but also teaching my kids and setting boundaries is to repeat the same phrases over and over and over again so I have a few you know go-to phrases that I want to let you in on because if you know it then I think it's going to make parenting so much easier for you now like I said it helps me remind myself In the Heat of the Moment when tensions are high what

0:57 is most important to me it reminds my brain to stay calm to stay centered and focused on what really matters and it also helps my child because they get used to hearing these phrases from me over and over and over again so they're more likely to trust what I am saying so let's go ahead and dive in now the first phrase is let it out this is like one of my top favorite phrases let it out I

1:21 like to say this phrase when my child is in the heat of an very intense emotion like sadness or even anger let it out it reminds my brain that it is okay for them to have this feeling it is okay for them to express it to me this is all okay this is not an emergency I don't need to control it I don't need to get them to stop crying I don't need to do anything but stay regulated stay

1:49 grounded and also allow them a chance to vent and express their feeling to me it also helps them trust me when I say it again cuz I say it over and over and it's their cue okay I'm not alone in this feeling I have a witness my mommy my daddy they're not judging me they're not trying to control me it is safe right safety is what cues our child to calm down and regulate their nervous system if our child feels unsafe they

2:16 are more likely to have trouble with coming back down to Baseline so safety is what we want to cue our child to and when we say phrases like let it out we're queuing them that is this is safe this is a safe emotion this is a safe environment and I am a safe caregiver for you I am a witness and actually it's counterintuitive but it actually I've found in my experience it helps my little ones calm down quicker but like I

2:42 always say I try not to put a timetable on emotions right emotions need to be felt in order for our little ones to move on so this is not my process to control but I have found that it helps calm them down but it's more of a phrase for me okay it's more I say it out loud so that that they get the benefit of hearing it but it's more to help my nervous system remember that it is safe

3:05 remember safety is what brings us back down to Baseline so when we can cultivate a feeling of safety in our mind and also with our child we are chef's kiss we're golden okay so use that phrase repeatedly and try it and let me know if it works for you guys okay so the second phrase is we will get through this together we will get through this together key word together right we we're using language that says I we're a

3:32 team right this is not me versus you I am on your side again the theme here so far is safety we create safety when we let our child know we're in this together okay we're not against them we're not upset and I have hope I'm going to hold the hope for us during this moment it's okay I got you boo I got you you don't need to have the Hope cuz I got it we are going to get it

3:56 through this together okay this also reminds my that the most important thing in this moment is to stay as connected as possible and to be the leader in this situation so when I can say we will get through this together I am saying I have hope I have confidence in us and we are a team right we work as a team This Is Us Against the issue and we got this so teamwork is one of the core values of

4:26 our family system teamwork is a theme that we come back to over and over again especially In the Heat of the Moment especially during conflict right it's really easy to work as a team when everybody is Happy cool calm collected things are going smoothly there's no bumps in the road yeah that's easy right that's easy to be on each other's side it's much harder and it's more important to stay connected and as a team during the hard moments so this again it cues

4:54 my brain it also cues my child's brain we're in this together so it lets my child know in a very concrete way that I as their parent I'm not against them I'm not going anywhere I'm not threatened or intimidated by conflict right I still have the hope and the confidence that we will get through this together okay phrase number three that is my goto okay during intense difficult moments is I'll help you I'll help you yeah we got this

5:23 I'll help you this phrase is perfect in the moment when your child is distracted they're dottling they're other wise not super Cooperative or they're just not going in the direction we want them to go I'm thinking you know routines right we're trying to get them out the door we're trying to get them ready for bed etc I'll help you mhm I'll help you now what's most important about this is that we're coming in with an energy that is

5:48 grounded this is an energy type thing where we are confident but we're not flustered or upset or aggressive right we're grounded we're the leader and we know exactly what needs to happen next so we're going to come alongside of our child and we're going to help them so this means for little ones maybe we're guiding their hands but again we're grounded this is not aggressive okay this is going to be very confusing for your child if you're saying I'll help

6:18 you I'm on your side we're going to get through this together but your body language your energy your tone is aggressive okay that's confusing and that's disregulated for children when our words don't match up with our energy right cuz they can sense our energy more than our words that's what they're going to trust is our energy our tone so if we're coming at this as aggressive I'll help you you know it's like who okay this doesn't feel safe I don't know

6:46 what's happening I'm a little confused I'm a little concerned okay so we have to make sure that our words are matching our energy and vice versa for young kids again this might look like gently guiding their hands okay I'll help you right or let's say your potty training I'll help you I'll help you get to the potty and you pick them up gently okay calmly okay and maybe they're fussing and squirming around I know I know I'll

7:10 help you now you know potty training we can talk more about that because there's things you don't want to get into the habit of forcing your child to do things they're not ready for but again it's just that gentle energy it's not for every situation but it helps again it cues our brain that we're the leader here and we're coming to help we're coming to guide we're coming in to do this alongside of our child cuz often

7:34 times I don't know about you but I can get into the bad habit of trying to parent across the room parent from downstairs when my kids are upstairs you know I'm trying to parent and communicate when we are too far from each other and it's not effective so I'll help you gets me involved it gets me close and it gets me to guiding my child versus you know screaming at them from miles away which is not as

8:00 effective so this is really helpful in preventing us from yelling criticizing punishing you know saying things like why aren't you doing this or what's wrong with you or how many times do I have to tell you right do I have to say it again you know those kind of phrases that don't really move the needle along it just helps to remember and remind our brain that it's more effective to take action we don't want to be repeating

8:22 oursel over and over and over again if we find that we are it's our cue that our child needs something different from us and often times they need more help and guidance and so if we come alongside of them just reminds our brains that we're there to help not yell or criticize or punish and then it also tells our child in very direct ways that we are the leader we're here to guide them we're going to take the lead also

8:47 this task is important it needs to get done right now and they're not alone in the task now just be sure to reserve this only for time sensitive tasks you don't want to be always coming alongside your child and doing this this is for those moments when it's like all right it's time to get out the door all right it's time to put her shoes on all right let's move this along let's start brushing our teeth that kind of thing

9:10 okay number four go-to phrase I'm always saying this one y'all is mistakes are how we learn I am such a big fan and I've talked about this in other episodes but I am just such a big fan of normalizing quote unquote failure quote unquote mistakes it's such a good reminder for me as well as the adult that mistakes are how we learn right that learning is messy sometimes and it's not going to always go as we plan

9:37 and it just helps plant those seeds for my little one of resilience flexibility and self-confidence right I know that I'm still good enough I am still sturdy I am still capable even if I'm faced with the challenge even if things don't go the way that I hoped they would go like I have confidence in my myself and so I know that the more I remind them of it and it's so helpful to use everyday moments right whether they're drawing

10:07 and it just didn't come out quite the way they hoped it would or they're working on a puzzle and they're getting stuck in a certain area or they're learning a new skill like reading or riding a bike and it's just messy they're falling down they're struggling they're confused whatever it is like just using those everyday moments which happen so often to capitalize on that and remind them what's important and there's so many great books like the

10:32 magical yet I think it's called the one magnificent thing I'll go ahead and Link some of my favorites but there's some really good children's books out there that further this conversation in a way where children are engaged and they can relate to the main character so you definitely want to use books to also you know enhance this message but I'm just such a huge fan and I say it over and over mistakes are how we learn when my

10:55 child is frustrated and they're like yes I know you made a mistake that's how we learn you're about to learn something new I know it's hard and you know often times they need a break they need help they need a snack you know but I can also offer them those tangible things by also sending that message to them also use your own mistakes to remind yourself and your child again of this message it really helps a lot when they can see you fumble

11:22 and struggle with learning something bonus points for that okay so phrase number five that I'm always saying okay is I'm sorry or you're right you know what I didn't think of it like that but now that I think about it a little bit more carefully I like the way you're thinking about this you're right on this or the other day I um was talking to my daughter about body boundaries and I was setting consequences and then I circled

11:47 back because I was like you know what that's not really what I want to do no that's not the lesson I need to guide you through this and that consequence is not really going to be effective so now that I think about it we're going to do it differently so the essence of this is to either apologize if we've made a mistake this model's taking accountability for our child which is huge it also enhances trust but also

12:12 when we're able to think of something differently or to take more time cuz often In the Heat of the Moment when we're trying to set a consequence it's not the best time but our brain wants to go there because we're trying to problem solve but often when we sit back and when we're calm and we self-reflect and we think about what's going to be the most effective in the long run we're often like I could have did that a

12:31 little bit differently so whenever we can take that moment to actually say you know what I thought about this a little bit more carefully and this is the new plan or you're right on that Etc it's going to model so many things again taking accountability but also changing our minds and thinking more carefully about the decisions that we make instead of acting impulsively this is going to show your child that one the relationship is really important to you

12:57 and that you think carefully about about it right you take your time and you're not afraid to Circle back and let them know you've changed your mind and that this is the new more effective plan it is just such a great modeling experience on so many different levels and a huge part of being a confident leader for our kids is being able to take in feedback right as Leaders that's one of our biggest qualities and skills is to be

13:25 able to take in feedback from those that we have the privilege of leading AKA our children and when it makes sense being like you know what you're right I like the way you're thinking about this and that boosts their confidence now they're like okay I have good ideas right and my parents take me seriously this is so important to take in feedback and use it when it makes sense and phrases like this directly tell our kids they're an

13:51 important part of the family that we value their ideas their contributions their experiences their feelings right we value we take it seriously also it tells them in direct ways that it's important to take accountability for our mistakes and it's important to apologize and mend our relationships whenever we you know make mistakes and we screw up which we are going to inevitably do in all relationships so might as well teach them that skill so they can transfer

14:18 that to friendships with their siblings and you know other relationships also it directly tells them you can trust me right I am your ally I am on your side and our Rel relationship is what matters most to me at the end of the day not being right not winning the argument no our relationship staying connected and working together that's what really matters to me also you know it tells them it's better to stay connected versus proving other people wrong this

14:46 is a good one this is a big one it's better to stay connected it's better to communicate in healthy ways and change our minds when it makes sense versus being the one that's right right right it teaches them a valuable lesson about What conflict is really about conflict is about learning about the other person learning about ourselves working through an issue or a problem in a constructive way and so we teach our child exactly how to do that when we take time to say

15:16 you know what I'm sorry that was not how I wanted to say that you know what you're right you know what I thought about this and I changed my mind teaching them What conflict is really about and how to have healthy relationships with others so drop in a couple I'm sorries and your rights whenever it makes sense okay you don't want to be over apologizing but as parents I think we can take our control and our power for granted you know do

15:43 too much with it and we can not be as reflective on the ways in which we impact our children and their experiences in the relationship okay phrase number six that I'm falling back on is that's a fixable problem this was actually a phrase that I picked up from one of the moms inside of my private membership which if you are looking for coaching and community and classes by a girl check out my membership it's private away from social media and it's

16:13 such an amazing place to be if I do say so myself it's you can go to the mom psychologist. membership to check it out and learn more but anyways I got this phrase from one of the moms who was sharing about her child I think she was sharing a win that she had had and she was talking about how she tells her little one about it being a fixable problem and I thought that is just genius yes fixable problems yes it's a

16:39 problem but it's fixable we can work on it we can problem solve through it so now I'm always saying that whether they spill their milk spill something make a mess there's a disagreement they can't find something they're feeling really frustrated about something nine times out of 10 is a fix problem and so that helps just remind my brain to focus on helping my child find the solution versus getting flustered in their emotions and it also helps them know

17:09 that you know it's it's fixable we're going to work through this together and it tells them you know I'm not stressed about this mishap I'm the leader I'm going to help you I'm on your side okay so it's a fixable problem or HM that sounds like a fixable problem let's think about this okay so in summary my go-to phrase Es are let it out okay when there's very intense emotions also we will get through this together number

17:36 three I'll help you number four mistakes are how we learn number five I'm sorry or you're right or I've had some time to think about it and here's what I think and number six that's a fixable problem if you're tuning in on YouTube let me know what is your go-to parenting phrase that makes you feel you know like a pro it helps ground you it helps you solve problems it helps you get through the moment let us know okay we need to

18:03 continue this thread so that we have more inspiration and go-to phrases because again In the Heat of the Moment it's important to fall back on what works it's important to fall back on what helps remind our brains what's most important which is the relationship that we have with our little ones and remember consistency consistency consistency this is what helps children trust the messages that we are giving giving them also make sure that what you're saying is aligned with the energy

18:35 and tone that you're you're bringing to the situation or else it's going to be confusing okay so say what you mean and mean what you say I hope that this episode was helpful again if you're looking for more coaching from me looking for more classes and more community and support along your parenting journey be sure to check out my membership you can go to the mom psychologist. comom slmh the link will be in the description below as well all

18:59 right that is it for this episode I'll see you in the next one bye [Music]