Dr. Sheryl's PodCouch - Episode 003: Authenticity with Molly Grantham

0:03 dr. Cheryl show where we will be talking about moving beyond burnout I believe that in order to truly address today's mental health crisis we need to create community and solutions around all aspects of our life that affect anxiety and depression today I will be talking with Molly Grantham an Emmy award-winning journalist in Charlotte North Carolina she's the author of small victories the off-camera life of an on-camera mom and also the creator of Molly's kids a popular grassroots concept that

0:34 highlights kids with uphill medical battles Molly is big on authenticity and recently did a TEDx talk called the real we are hi Molly welcome hi Cheryl how are you I'm so good I'm so happy to be talking to you and so there's so much to talk to you about but the first thing I want to talk about is this book I have the book look at it I love that I love the cover and I love

1:03 actually everything about it but so for people who haven't read it can you start with what inspired you to write it yes I didn't know I was writing the book as I was writing it I believe with my second child and I missed me I missed me I work a lot I love my job I love my kids I love my family but I really love my career as well and not being at work was a huge adjustment with one kid I could

1:27 sort of still be me and deal with one baby but with a three and a half year old and a six day old or seven day old it was impossible and so I wrote on Facebook I was just crawling out of my own mind and I wrote on Facebook one day small victory I showered today and I put it out there and then went to go do whatever child was screaming and take care of whatever needed to take care of

1:52 and that's all I did at a shower and I thought that was a victory and I put it out there for no reason I guess really and people were splendid people got it you know and that me too I wrote something else than week three I wrote something else and I did all through maternity leave and I went back to work and I couldn't do it weekly but it started be like month four month five months six these stories that were easy

2:10 to digest but we're Facebook oriented and then by the time I got to month 30 I was like I think I might have a book because the community really responded and people told me their own stories and it was just saving myself really by having this community of people say you're not crazy you're not crazy to miss yourself because no one ever says that no one ever says they miss them no one ever says like I love working

2:31 sometimes more than I like my kids yeah so I was gonna say and they're really happy well-adjusted and they were and probably reassessment you know like it's working and I'm a better mom because I work and no one was telling me that so it ended up becoming a book without even yes I think that was when Molly and I have talked on the phone we've never met in person but there was an instant synergy between us and I think that's

2:56 part of it was this feeling of it's okay to love work and it's okay to love your kids and work and try to get rid of the taboo around that you have to pick because I think that's part of your message right right it's absolutely you know I've got my daughter and my son and my career and of course my husband and family as well but I say I've got these like three big things I'm in charge of

3:20 everyday and one is not like the other two but all our pieces of and I just live that way and they live that way and we're all okay yeah and do you feel like you are back are you here to me different me you know so many children and one just turned eight and then the new boring that when I started this book is now four and I am back to me but it's very different me

3:47 I'm a reporter and I'm a journalist and I'm like a dog with a bone when it comes to a story and I've you know helped change state law with things have been embedded in gang units and done all this really cool wonderful stuff that I that makes me tick inside but it's a different version of me now that's still a journalist but also a mom and also an author and also getting to meet people like yourself and having conversations

4:08 about different things in just news and I like that yeah so it's different you and how how often do you think we evolved let's say just as women in terms of the the path of our lives what are you finding is happening with a four and an eight-year-old and where you are career because you're not new and your career any longer no number of how many times you've evolved I think right like

4:42 you've involved tons over your stuff and you're not open to it then you become stagnant and evolution is part of sustainability and to be out there and be sustained you have to be willing to change yeah I love the way you just said that what surprised you most about that online support that helped you realize oh these Facebook posts I think are a book well I think Cheryl I don't know month 28 or 29 when I finally thought it

5:12 might be a book it was never I was never writing them for a book I'm still not writing them I just put my 54 out a couple days ago so it's it's not about a book it never was about a book the books in came I've always wanted to be an author I've never thought I'd write about parenting I have made a brilliant fiction novel one day never parenting and it just sort of happened I think

5:35 because the community especially here in Charlotte was responding in such good ways not everybody agreed with me you know I'm saying the good the bad the always real it's not sunshine and roses and so not everybody agreed with everything but people were responding and there was touching a nerve of talking about this real life of parenting and the real stories you guys get to see this shiny happy hair sprayed moly every night you know on the news but the

5:58 real moly behind that was was raw and I was putting it out there so I really appreciated the response and the response made me think maybe I should make these Facebook posts into the book obviously it was a lot of professional editing and things that go on it wasn't a cut and paste but I put a lot of the community responses and comments from Facebook in the book too because that's what it was it was a conversation the

6:19 whole time it wasn't me and then people just absorbing it was us going back and forth and then at what point did that launched into a TEDx talk well the TEDx talk was not even really about the book um I I've always wanted to do a TEDx talk and I know you did one as well and as this girl process it's a lot to go through and more than I maybe thought it was going to be and the talks would have started

6:44 with authenticity which is a part of the book for sure but it just evolved more into how I think women in particular all where everybody but especially women in corporate America have to wear masks and costumes and we all sort of have a role that we're playing and to peel off that mask and costume and get to the essence of who we are is the real that we are and being real is a hard thing to do for

7:12 a lot of women and a lot of jobs like quintessentially for a news anchor I get my lipstick color every darn day and that's the least of what I'm worried about so I think that there's a lot of realness in the pen talk and the book but I look at them as separate thanks interesting cuz I think that your your message is so much about though being authentic sharing with people who you really are and I and I feel like you are

7:41 giving shedding light to like look past my lipstick color there's more here that I'd rather you see then what I'm wearing or what my makeup looks like right thank you thank you for saying that because I do think that there's I mean I'll put myself out there with no makeup and jeans and ratty t-shirts and kids crawling all over me and messy ponytails and on a weekend night not showered for two days I mean whatever because I don't

8:03 care about that I really don't but the job sort of dictates I have to I certainly go on air looking like that and I understand why the job it's that people don't take a messy woman seriously society's not ready for all of that but feeling back into the real that we are I think is very very important and I give a lot of talks from Charlotte and talk to a lot of groups and been really lucky to talk to some really

8:26 wickedly smart awesome women and female power groups and everyone you're talking to like that's it because you can't just roll into work in jeans or yoga pant you just can't and you have to wear concealer I mean you have to if you're so to actually conceal parts to yourself to even have a seat at the table sometimes to say something in the meeting right men aren't doing all that right so where do you think we need to

8:48 go do we need eventually to get to the point where journalists don't have to have their mascot like where do we need to go to move things in your opinion I don't think it's I'm just journalists either it's more the concept of we all have these roles that we're playing and I do think men have to play them as well I just think women have a much higher standard it's pretty non-debatable I think we we need to we need to realize

9:17 everybody's false bolts are what make us different and unique and special no one's perfect but faults are what make us interesting I think we need to check ourselves you know men need to help us check ourselves but we need to stop judging people try really hard like if you watch the news tonight whatever Channel I don't care about any of the networks or channels or local or whatever before you start predicting that woman's hair or her outfit or say

9:42 like she doesn't look good I think that's just a woman at her job and is she saying things that I can appreciate and is the language what I want to absorb or do I want to switch the channel I mean this is so instantly image it's so instantly immersed I think checking ourselves and recognizing flaws is really important so I want to I almost want to restate that I think that's such an important point so that

10:06 the tendency that we have I get asked a lot about women's tendencies towards bashing each other bringing each other down two weeks ago I was doing an all-women's conference and somebody asked the question like how do you deal with women who are inevitably trying to drag you down and make sure you don't get promoted and they're not lifting you and although I don't feel like I've had either I haven't really had that experience or I've somehow just chosen

10:33 to be in denial about them I'm not sure which it is but I know that it happens all around me and I get asked about it a lot but I love what you said the second we feel that judgment coming the second we think even to ourselves like who was she wearing today what'd she do to her hair she needs to get her roots done whatever it is we think we have to check ourselves and say like either this is my

10:55 friend or this is this an intelligent woman or this is person is super funny or whatever it is if we have to start within ourselves a tsunami may take the mask and not wearing as much about the costume you know we're all trying to encompass his roles and the TED talk could have been the roles we play but that's so overused and the flipside of that I'm what I'm really trying to say is the real we are and so that's where

11:17 the headline next came I mean I don't I think we all play roles all of us men and women but in particular women feel this need to just hit a certain level before they can even be accepted into the room or have conversation will be smart enough to talk I'm going in an editorial meeting right after our Skype conversation I'm heading to work I work late to the midnight and so this meeting every day and you know I have TV clothes

11:46 on because I'll anchor the 4:00 or 5:00 or 5:30 or 6:00 whatever the shows are that day we always switch up in I did 11 o'clock you know in the meet in the meeting I've never worn me all the high ponytail or a pencil stuck at my hair and I'm fine with that because I've usually come from school or doing something with kids or whatever it means to be done and so I feel some sense of

12:06 small pride and other people in that meeting and especially a lot of the younger women who are in their early 20s and this is only their second job are coming in now not worried about having on fake lashes perfect makeup and instead they're giving really good sporty and to me it speaks volumes because I'm up there at the front of it with a pen in my hair and looking you know half homeless except that I'm dressed nicely but it's like you're

12:32 hearing Molly and we're having smart discussions no one in Charlotte seeing that it's a behind the scenes thing but it feels really good because I think that's the first step they feel comfortable to come in without makeup and they won't go out there that way but we're having really smart discussions no one's late because they're putting on mascara I love that you know I I will say there are certain times where I somewhat strategically but then also

12:55 naturally do the same thing I'll go to meetings with no makeup on or this morning I had sessions and I was like okay I have time for either hair or makeup and I don't have time for both so I usually will choose my hair can look decent but no makeup and there's something that I think I have no validation this but I feel like what I'm meeting with other just women and they see me no makeup on there's a little like a

13:20 it's like yeah good like oh my gosh I love her that she didn't have or sometimes if someone gives me a comment all I might say something and I'm gonna stop doing this but I might say something like oh that's so nice of you I always feel like I look tired without my concealer on right so I'll say something like that and you know they'll say to me you know oh that's ridiculous you still look you know

13:43 beautiful or lovely and I just think yeah look what I just did to myself when I make little comments like that I make it seem like oh this is a priority to me or maybe the next time you should be self-conscious so that's where I'm checking myself is I'm trying to accept the compliment and even though I might feel like I mean that's how I usually feel I just look really tired without makeup on but I'm trying to just really

14:05 not give that message particularly to other women they're young women or even girls you know that I'm gotta like look a certain way I agree I love what you just said and I think that I had about checking yourself and applied it checking yourself and judging other people and checking yourself when you're being so self-deprecating to your own body because it's not necessary you know enough people are gonna judge and I don't think society's ready for us to

14:28 have mask sauce all the time I said that the TEDx talking people laughed go straight to our job you know we don't need cheerios our shirt that's not what we're trying to go for but just this level of high expectation like we just need to be normal just be real where I mean just be normal be real and everybody likes to get dressed up I think it's great sometimes to be dressed up and fancy and I go to these great

14:49 guys that's all wonderful but like on a daily basis just to be able to communicate and talk to you and share ideas I need to have this whole mask and costume interested yeah I have to my job so I understand that it's a funny thing for some people to hear me say that or maybe even hypocritical but I can tell you I'm not being a hypocrite it's required for my job but I believe in much more normal but you're also being a

15:14 spokesperson for saying like I'm doing what's required of this job but outside of here this is the real I mean in here this is the real journalists me with the face on and outside of here here's the real me and then I don't need the face so it's I think you are doing it a service yes of course so one of the things that you'd talk about in your book you talk about your mom and I know that she has

15:43 passed right and I know that you have become sort of I think a spokesperson almost or a leader in your community around breast cancer awareness and you've also got Molly's kids talk about how a you're able to fit that in how do you make the time for that and where the inspiration is for you and where you see that going or where do you want it to go so the two separate things again in my head so breast cancer my mom died of

16:15 breast cancer my dad actually died of colon cancer cancer runs in my family my grandfather died of pancreatic cancer and I've been with komen Charlotte which is a Susan G Komen national for a long time my mom used to go to race for the cures with me here in Charlotte she died two years ago and when she died I was already the spokesperson for come in Charlotte because breast cancer has run in my family for a long time my mom's mom had

16:38 breast cancer my mom's grandmother died of breast cancer so I'm the fourth generation but um well clear off right now so I it's just been a very natural thing to want to be at the forefront of that I've done a lot of research with them I understand what the goal is there's some big bold goals to try and reduce the number of deaths by breast cancer by 50% within ten years and that goal was made three years ago so there

17:02 was like really specific tangible things that I like about that organization and in Charlotte we have a twenty thousand person race in October every year and I love being up there with that it's just an incredible thing and my father's been a part of it and she's been a part of it with Grammy my mom and now without Grammy there and it's it's just kind of a part of our family it's very important and it is important for me personally

17:24 it's important because of Parker my daughter you know she will be the fifth generation regardless on if I end up getting breast cancer or not so there's just a lot of love and a lot of passion involved in the breast cancer cause and the cancer cause Molly's kids is kids with up low medical battles and many do face pediatric cancer but they don't necessarily have to it's just been a very Roots ping i years ago was doing many

17:47 many like tough gang military crime type stories and on the flip side i would get these families writing me about the aisle that have been diagnosed with neuroblastoma or osteosarcoma are like crazy big words for there's two and three year old bodies and i started following their families and doing some TV stories and then facebook got big and I started really enjoying Facebook and started writing about more and more kids as their parents would write me asking

18:12 me write about them when I out searching for sick kids and just lifting them up I mean it's a niche it's a family these families go through so much no one's paying that much attention to them but yet they're like going to the hospital three times a week or the other siblings getting left out or a family member has to lose their job because they need to be there with chemo treatments like it's just so many things and just writing

18:34 about it I don't collect money not a foundation but I do Network families together it's really grown so much but you can have a rare illness in a county in Charlotte and I write about it and four counties over a family will pipe up and say oh my gosh my eight-year-old has that same thing and then I connect them easy or like someone needs a specialized wheelchair and another family as a child that just passed that had that

18:57 wheelchair and they want to give it to a family that could use it so there's $10,000 in a wheelchair boom transferred over to a different place and it's just been really one time we found a boy at a kidney it saved his life it's crazy he was one of our mollies kids and he needed a kidney and no one in his County had the right match his family did on the right match his guidance counselor reached out

19:15 to me from his high school and lo and behold I wrote about him and a father of four in Louisiana saw the post and came to Charlotte and gave him a kidney and saved his life that's amazing and you should feel you should feel great about it I will say that you know one of the things that I'm passionate about talking about a woman's health kind of issues and stress and burnout in particular and what I just got from what you said was

19:43 one of the tips that I talk about in terms of helping burnout getting beyond burnout is creating community so if you if you have a community great stay stay connected but what you're talking about is you created a community it was almost by accident but what that's essentially what you done and I find that to be one of the key factors to regulating our stress I'm at preventing burnout or getting out of burnout if you had to say one small

20:09 victory that you've gotten because some of the things you talked about probably feel really big and if someone's listening to that they go oh but you know I don't I don't have the same abilities or same connections as you have what could I do so what would you say to end today you would say would be a small victory that you imagine anybody could do to engage in their community or help their own lives or kids I love that

20:33 question because the last thing I ever would want to give off is oh well because you have connections you can do this that's not it I mean the book happened the book titled small victories happened because I put a post on Facebook cuz I thought I was gonna call in my mind and I said I showered today small victory and other people strangers responded so it never was going to I was never writing that with like some

20:58 strategy or thinking that I was some great writer that's it's so far for truth I there's just a moving world outside and I felt trapped and so just reaching out ended up turning into something beautiful and the families that reached out to me about their own kids for Molly's kids turned into something beautiful and my mom's death has been really difficult in cancer my family's been really difficult but we're trying to turn it in there's something

21:19 beautiful in really small ways and I think just being open to it and it sounds too like lofty and cheesy be open and you know reach out but it really is that simple because you don't know what's gonna happen unless you let yourself be open to what might happen you know so I mean it was it was a big thing to put pictures out like I showered in a small victory I'm used to like running meetings and doing all this

21:43 cool big stuff and having editorial decisions and being on TV you know looking a certain way Mina and it was like oh my god I'm gonna die I only showered today that's all I did and everybody sort of lifted me up and so I think that if you're open to being vulnerable that you just got to see what happens I love that thanks so much for coming on you are doing such great things and are a great inspiration and I

22:04 appreciate you taking the time you are - Sheryl thank you you