How to Encourage Critical Thinking for Little Ones

0:00 [Music] hey everybody this is Stacy belward the host of the connected families podcast welcome to the community we are people committed to pursuing God's grace and truth for ourselves and then daily working to pass that Grace and Truth onto our children I'm so glad that you're here with us today well we're in the month of June and we're running a really fun offer we love to do a special offer every summer but this month is name your own price it's for the online

0:30 course called The Power of questions less arguing and more wisdom my colleague Chad H and I wrote the course it's for you if you are ready to cut down on the arguing and grow both responsibility and wisdom in your children well today's podcast similar to the last few episodes is about the shift from telling to asking and listen I was a teller so I know what it's like to do that shift but I also know that when I

1:00 did shift to asking more questions and listening it was a game Cher and produced so much fruit in the relationship with my girls over the years and that is why we are going to concentrate today's episode on asking questions with your toddlers this is going to be fun I have Lynn and Lydia here for the first half of the show and then for the second half of the show one of our parent coaches cam Thompson who

1:31 for 25 years has been an early family childhood educator she's going to join us after the break so hey Lynn and Lydia welcome to this podcast good to be here we always love talking about the Little Tikes with you and preschoolers probably I love this conversation we've been it's not a series but we have dedicated a number of episodes to the power of questions and different topics so we've talked about family meetings we've talked about how to cut down on the

2:00 arguing I had one of those with Chad that was already dropped today it's about Toddlers and preschoolers and Lynn and Lydia we just love diving into scripture I think the three of us though we just are like we love talking about scripture so I say we start there first what do you guys think love that idea first and foremost so let's just unpack Mark chapter 8 and how that relates to questions so Lynn would you like to just

2:32 read scripture for us in Mark 8 Jesus and his disciples went onto the villages around cesaria Philippi on the way he asked them who do people say I am they replied some say John the Baptist others say Elijah and still others one of the prophets but what about you he asked who do you say I am Peter answered you are the Messiah I mean you can almost hear the impact of his words the Thunder as he gives the answer to that and

3:03 certainly Jesus could have easily said okay you guys I know that some people are saying I'm John the Baptist other people are saying Elijah somebody else says this but let me just tell you what the deal is okay I'm the Messiah you got that he guided them through questions and he really kind of liked to do two general kinds of questions I call them reality and response some people describe it what's going on and what's you know what should we do you know but

3:34 it's really it's just about what's the reality here that we could consider and then how do we want to respond to that reality and it's not always a one twoo sequence you see different kind of questions in his different conversations with people but just really important to see this was not it's not like he couldn't ever tell him what to do but this was one of the many tools he used to follow the spirit in how he discipled

4:05 his followers and it was an important one what strikes me our listeners don't know but I did just get back from Israel I was actually at cesaria Philippi we I was there like sitting in that place and that was a place dedicated to A God Called pan it was where all kinds of yucky worship was going on let's just say that and so that is also what just strikes me that they were actually sitting in a place where the world's

4:37 culture was coming in and all the messages of the world and all the things that were you know and I I would think as a parent I'd be real tempted to tell right then hey kids can you see that this is why we don't this and this and that or we don't believe this and this and that and yet even in that place is where Jesus started with a question and I just think that's really really

5:00 powerful because you know as a parent I could feel the anxiety of the world creeping in and feel that need to tell and yet jesus' example was even in that time step back and ask questions yeah that's really profound wow well we want to talk about how do we apply this To Toddlers and to preschoolers and Lydia you got a story about questions do you want to share that story yeah so this is a story that came from

5:32 one of our certified parent coaches Lynn and I love that this story is about one of her grandkids and um because I I think oftentimes grandparents give us a little glimpse of what it's like to step out of that anxiety maybe that we have sometimes and into some confidence and like hey how can I be light-hearted and build wisdom here so she G gave us a great example she said before soccer practice my grandson was way too

5:57 distracted to eat a snack so I asked asked what is your daddy put in the car to make it run he said gas and thought it was silly that grandma didn't know the answer so then she goes what makes you able to run at soccer what's the fuel or the gas for your body did you know that the food you eat helps you grow strong muscles and is the fuel for your play she said well he ate right up

6:19 no more stalling so it's just such a great little story of how she used questions to connect and then to build some wisdom one of the things that I love when I'm coaching a family with young kids a great place to get started in moving into this mindset of asking questions is to prompt yourself am I telling them something they already know and that's a great little internal cue for us as parents and grandparents to ask a question instead of telling so

6:48 because we do it all the time don't we right you have to get your pajamas on before bed how many times have we said something like that a lot of times so so um my example would be instead of saying guys get your stuff get your shoes get out to the car to say something like hey is there something that your feet need before you go outside it's a really simple little shift there to ask a question instead of

7:17 telling am I telling they could figure out help them figure out the answer and build that capability build that wisdom it's sending a message hey I I think you've got great ideas we can figure this out together yeah I like it I also like the question instead of put your coat on Hey where's your coat find it where is it what are three things your body needs before they get out to the car uhuh oh great

7:45 ideas yes what do your teeth need before bedtime it's a little more leading for sure yeah that is a leading question but if you're laughing when you ask it you know it's still just connects well and gets them thinking I remember my first experience with this was with our daycare provider who had been a cooworker of mine at a church and she just took in Daniel along with her daughter and it was just this wonderful setup and she had worked so hard to

8:16 learn better parenting practices than she was raised with and so I remember the day that that Tony shared with me just something that had really helped our oldest son and he was playing with a ball near an antique cabinet that she really liked and she just said hey come here let me show you something about see this glass so she kind of explains some things this you know this is really special old glass that's why it's kind

8:46 of bubbly and stuff and if something bounces into it what do you think would happen so she's defining the reality and he goes it might break and then she goes yes so what do you think would be a good place to play with the ball and he pointed over there she said oh that's a great idea when she told me that story I was like whoa so there's an alternative to just telling my child if you play

9:14 with the ball here you're gonna break it so you need to go over there and I remember just sort of being incredulous like wow that's just a really good idea it seems so simple but you know when we shift to the goal of building wisdom and activating our kids thinking even if they're I mean I think he was two or three at the time and he could form his own conclusion and then he was invested in the solution that's good I hear some

9:45 parents trying to understand when to ask questions and when not to and what I've heard you both talk about were that what we're discussing today is asking questions that grow wisdom talking about do you want the red cup or the blue cup do you want macaroni and cheese or do you want to you know this or do you you know these kinds of things that sometimes kids can just get overwhelmed with and they need you to just make the

10:10 decision for them that's different isn't it we're talking about growing responsibility helping our kids brain really think and grow long-term wisdom in them and we're giving ideas around how to do that even when our kids are 2 three four five years old so toddlers and preschoolers do you have anything to add to that Lynn as we do ask questions and we're not saying don't ask don't give your kids choices but you know as you do ask them questions in a

10:41 light-hearted way it really does it it brings in learning from all over their brain and kind of integrates that and so kind of making a habit of asking light-hearted questions at different times and then just go oh you really had your thinking brain going on that one didn't you you about whether you like the red cup or the blue cup best and you made a decision that was awesome high five so simple little questions like that still activate you know some

11:11 critical thinking on their part and then you can affirm that and help them know you know as you tap your forehead wow you're really growing your thinking brain up there aren't you good let's move to problem solving questions with kids so that would be again back to we're growing wisdom and here's a little comment from somebody in our community named Jenny Jenny says when McKenna was small she loved blocks but hated it when

11:43 they fell down don't we all right um we worked on learning what surface was best to build on how high is too high and making them fall on purpose that that can be fun it was helpful in making her capable so she was not fr frustrated every time she played with her favorite thing that's so good the thing here is that that power of questions it works better when some learning has already happened then you can refer back to keep

12:11 growing that wisdom so maybe another question later on would be hey where would be a good place to to build your Tower some of this proactive work of asking questions not just in the moment when the tower fell but maybe before they were building the next time so as we're building this value of asking questions problem solving with our kids there's some really great fruit of that I have a a coaching family I worked with recently who told me about

12:39 their their little son they had been working on doing some problem solving questions together as a family their son's term for this was an idea sesh and so he would come up with his cray behind his ear and his piece of paper and he'd say Dad I want to have an idea sesh and um yeah one time they told me a story about he came up with a plan to help his friends with a challenge in one of his

13:03 idea sesh um moments with his parents so that is just when you're proactively building you know this value of asking questions and figuring things out together you're going to see some of those great moments with your kids as they step into that I want to see a picture of that kid with a piece of paper and a crayon behind behind his ear cute well you know I was kind of alluding to it before but I think

13:29 parents are wondering about maybe places that they might get stuck with this like how to apply it in the nuances of life I know that maybe one of them might be when kids are smaller is when they get silly they get silly and run around and they don't want to answer and you're just not sure then what to do what would you say to that and then what are other areas that parents might get stuck yeah

13:54 well when kids get silly it's because they're starting to get sort of ious and anxious frustrated and silly are all on one kind of arousal State together and so it's really easy if they're feeling like I don't know how I'm going to answer this or I think mom is trying to get me to admit I did something wrong that there can be a lot of Shame and embarrassment and so that's where just starting lighthearted being super

14:20 connective with questions and we'll talk about a specific idea for that at the very end of our session but just starting with plenty of connection and Light heartedness usually helps a child through that sense of anxiety and embarrassment so and sometimes they just need us you know if if it's maybe it's not silliness but you just get the classic I don't know they need help because they're concrete thinkers and we are more abstract thinkers and tend to

14:49 ask bigger questions you know I was working with a little guy in the clinic and he was playing Super rough with his truck I just went over to him and I said hey hey buddy so I connected first hey buddy cool truck huh yeah zoom zoom zoom I said what do you think might happen if you keep playing with it kind of rough like that I don't know zoom zoom zoom and so then it's like okay broad

15:13 abstract question I need to be narrow concrete well you know in a light-hearted way well what do you think might happen to those little kids over there oh might get hurt yeah good thinking so now I'm affirming him instead of confronting him and what do you think might happen to the truck might break yeah more good thinking and I could have then come in with you know kind of a command so you need to play safely or I will take it away and that's

15:41 like there's something wrong with that but I wanted to ask him another question so so then I that was the reality questions and then the response question was so how do you want to play with it he looks at me now I got eye contact and he goes slower and I said oh great idea I think that's gonna go I think that's going to keep everybody and everything safe now if he hadn't I could have come back over and

16:10 said oh buddy this was a little tough today we're going to put the truck on the shelf and I bet you'll do better next time you can see just being lighthearted being more narrow and concrete but in the end who owned the safety and the respect of playing with the truck that's right he did there wasn't a threat necessary like if I had said oh but you're going to lose it if you don't play well with it then his

16:37 motivation would have been selfish I want to keep the truck instead he understood and really wanted to be respectful and that's what motivated him so that's one of the real Beauty beaus beautiful things of questions it really helps internalize values and character I love it and and what it also did is his reaction also could have been then defensive like you named it selfish

17:07 defensive right now it becomes this me versus you struggle we talk about that in the course sure and so then you have the me I'll take the car no I want to have the car or the truck you know and so by asking questions you just totally bypassed that whole pattern that could be happening the other thing that you demonstrate in that example is some brain work Lynn right you were engaging that little boy's brain and not just

17:36 part of his brain his whole brain can you just talk about that a second well certainly you know there's there's a lot of language processing comes in on the left brain side the frontal lobe there's a lot of judgment there and then the right brain there's there's so there's executive functions in the frontal lobe and then the right brain enters into the emotions involved like the the feelings of the little kids so it really does draw on the language sections the

18:05 executive function sections and then the emotional awareness sections of the brain and integrates all of them as you're asking thoughtful questions okay let we have one more section and then we'll get to the break and that is kind of more digging into maybe the stuck places or what we like to say is we want our questions to be a just right challenge not too hard not too easy like how can we make them a just right

18:30 Challenge and so do you have any ideas on that Lydia yeah so I was just thinking you know I've got one of my kiddos who communication abilities go way down when that little nervous system is stressed out and so there have been many times where I've asked a question and I get or I get you know a little bit of shutdown or you know running away and sometimes the helpful thing is to ask later maybe I I might need to set a

18:58 boundary to keep everybody safe right in the moment or you know I might kind of join them in going and doing something else for a little bit and then later once there's a little bit more calm we come back to it and um can ask some questions then at a time when it's actually going to be productive when my child is able to engage another thing that's been really helpful is to give two choices or or present two possible

19:23 answers hey do you think it's like this or do you think it it's like this and put out my two hands and have him just touch the hand of his answer that's a really simple way to help kids just be able to step into a really simple question when they're struggling so you know holding out two hands and you know giving two options or two possibilities and letting them give their answer in that really simple way and then if

19:48 you've got a child who gets really defensive or is struggling with shame or doesn't want to engage with the questions make it hypothetical get out those stuffed animals do a little role play oh should teddy bear do now oh what what do you think piggy is feeling and that is often a way to kind of break the ice to lighten it up for everybody and help kids step into some wisdom building with questions and if they don't have an

20:13 answer it's okay talk about this again another time I really liked what you mentioned earlier in this episode is that questions can really build on times that you've already taught in the past so I like I like that too so you can grow we're going to go to a break but I just want to prep everyone for what's coming can't wait to bring on Pam Thompson she's a certified parent coach with connected families 25 years of

20:41 experience as an early childhood family education instructor she's going to join us and we're going to give some really practical tips we're going to talk about like I wonder phrases or the secret of three y we have a lot more coming up so we'll come back right after the break hey friends we have an online course that you could start today called The Power of questions less arguing more wisdom this month we have a special

21:13 campaign going on called name your own price that's right for this month only you determine the price and get full access to the course we get lots of questions from parents every day here's one of them my 4-year-old son struggles to focus I often find myself repeating requests like please go get your jammies on multiple times before I believe that he even heard my request what can I do to help him hear me sooner and encourage

21:44 his follow through well we have an answer for this parent my coworker Chad H and I are certified coaches we learned early that asking Our Kids Curious questions instead of telling all the time what was a complete Game Cher and right you guys telling over and over go get your jammies on it gets really really tiring well hey the power of questions less arguing more wisdom it's four

22:14 sessions and for this month only name your own price you can sign up yourself or grab a friend it's fun to do it as a group either way do it today before the name your own price campaign ends all the details are in the show [Music] notes all right we are here after the break Sam Thompson welcome to the podcast thanks I'm happy to be here

22:45 we're glad to have you you are a certified connected families parent coach we're happy to have you as part of our coaching community and you come to us with 25 years of exper experience working with families as an educator so we're we're excited to have your voice joining us on this conversation to talk about um how to ask more questions instead of telling our preschoolers and our toddlers so let me ask this what is

23:16 your top tip for parents who have little ones who struggle to answer questions yeah well I think it's important to remember where kids are at developmentally and there's a big difference between between a a one and a half or two-year-old and a 5-year-old and what they can understand and how they can and interact with questions but kids at these ages generally respond best when we talk slowly and use simple words and when we're close to them and

23:48 down at their own at their level as well also often young kids need time to process the question that we've asked and think through their response so we need to wait for them and not continue on or try to answer the question that we've just asked and the other thing to think about is that no one likes to be questioned no one likes to be probed and so we enjoy conversations and young children are the same way they like to

24:17 share their opinions and often they've got lots of opinions to share and there's lots to learn about them so if we can remain curious and take our cues from them we're going to be better off a lot of parents can relate to that that young children like to be heard they like to share their opinions as long as we create a safe space for them yeah they like to talk I think especially the five-year-olds Pam kindergarten is just a chatty stage of

24:46 life I remember that yep they've often got lot to say well what else can help kids grow wisdom if they have trouble with questions in addition to to growing in wisdom using questions with children develops their critical thinking skills supports their language development and builds problem solving skills and Sparks curiosity in them questions are so good with the kids and one of the things that I really like doing although it's not really a question is using I wonder

25:15 statements and these are often statements about everyday experiences so I wonder what that sound is or I wonder how an airplane flies or yesterday when we walked past this tree there were flowers and today they're gone I wonder what happened I wonder what would happen if we added vinegar to baking soda oh fun let's try it out exactly I love that my son spent hours One Summer doing that over and over again it was so much fun

25:42 so saying these things slowly and pausing so a child can think about it and then respond if they want to can help spark curiosity in that child that's really a respectful silence too because it says it communicates I'm not anxious about the rate at which you reply and I want to respect your process in coming to an answer yeah so it it really is a is an affirming respectful

26:13 encouraging silence to just wait and and even maybe to just come in and go oh looks like you're still thinking about that and just give them some time your IE wonderers statements I feel like my kids were in a stage of that Pam where they kept asking me like are saying I wonder statements right and I can remember some just goofy ones right like I wonder if elephants could float you remember when your kids are in

26:44 this this dreaming up like imaginary things and you're like I just don't know how to answer that it kind of puts the question out there without the interrogation part of it like you've got to come up with an answer it's like oh here's this fun thing for us to think about and I'm going to give you the space to decide if you want to respond I think there have been a lot of times where I've done an I wonder statement

27:08 and then just kind of left it to hang in the air and it helped this all process I I wonder what we might do different next time and sometimes there's just no need to for even a response we just we're all kind of thinking and maybe we'll pick that conversation up later but it kind of removes the urgency and just gets the wheels turning growing wisdom for sure sure well Pam what are some practical situations where questions can

27:33 help yeah those were more fun types of learning and curiosity questions but questions can really be good for kids too and helping them learn stuff about themselves and how to control their own behaviors and wisdom in that way young kids don't have a lot of control over their world typically so getting their input can help them feel more involved and capable which also invites cooperation which is one wonderful as a parent we enjoy that as well so a simple

28:01 question like do you want carrots or beans for supper or having a conversation about their favorite vegetables may help them feel more willing to try foods that aren't their favorites or when trying to keep their toys organized getting their input may help a question like where do you want to put your books do you want to put them next to your bed or do you want them in your closet can invite some helpful Buy in from from your child too

28:25 while helping them to grow in wisdom wisdom in thinking through how things work um a question can also be used to to ease transitions from going from one fun activities something that might not be as much fun or something where a child hasn't has trouble moving and give them some power so if they're at the park and they don't really want to leave and you kind of talked through that a little bit but what should we do when we

28:50 get home or at bedtime what book might you want to read before you go to bed or even do you need a snack before your nap can help move kids from one activity to another and we can also use questions to help kids understand how their actions affect others or how others might feel look at his face his eyes are looking down and he's crying what do you think he's feeling what can you do to help him

29:15 or Sally just moved into the house next door how do you think she might be feeling I wonder what we could do to help her feel welcome those I wonder statements that we talked about earlier also work to help kids build their socio emotional skills oh buddy today was tough you wanted that ball that your brother was using I wonder how he felt when you took it away from him of course saying that at call moment not in the

29:39 midst of their issue but later can help him understand how his actions affected his brother or I wonder if you're saying I'm gonna miss you when a child is clinging to you and crying at child care drop off can help them begin to understand Express their own feelings a lot of really good examples of using I wonder questions I remember in the course L you talked about an I wonder statement with your daughter I wonder if

30:06 your body is telling you right now that you you need a good cry about something know yeah that wasn't the sensitive and intense online course yeah so many good practical tips in there Pam this has been just so practical and helpful you know when kids feel understood their defenses almost always drop and that's just the goal of questions along with growing wisdom we're gonna end our podcast today with a

30:39 couple of role plays Lydia do you want to set them up yeah so Lynn and Pam are going to do a quick role play that shows how you can express empathy for your child with questions so I'm gonna let them take it away this is stupid it's stupid my I'm this picture is stupid stupid stupid I don't like it it's stupid oh Lynn your face is going like this and your body is going like this you look really frustrated am I right

31:08 yeah yeah I'm frustrated I'm mad it didn't it didn't work like I wanted it to that's really tough what happened to make you so frustrated ly well I was trying to draw on it and then it turned out really dumb looking and then I ripped it and now I'm just like mad mad mad oh that is so hard when things don't go the way we want them to go I wonder how we can fix it I don't know I don't

31:37 know what I can fix it just manad do you need a hug yeah I need a hug I need a hug too Lynn I love that question at the end yeah yeah that really felt I mean like I'm entering into the role of this frustrated kid and there was no judgment like it's just a picture we can fix it dot do dot you know it's just oh Pam entered in asked me questions about that I could feel myself getting more

32:05 rational as I processed it and answered her questions so in my little three or four year-old artists mode was really helpful for me there you go well I know we have another role play again Lydia will you set that one up yeah so one of the things we've been talking about is this kind of a little practice of we call it the three y and it's where you ask three questions to and the goal is to elicit a yeah response from your

32:34 child so it's like three questions that really help communicate hey I want to understand and you know bring you to a place of understanding so let's just maybe jump right into the role play so you can see how that looks so I'll be the toddler this time and and Pam is going to ask me three questions and she's trying to get a yeah out of me I want you to be mad about leaving the party first though give her a give her a

33:00 little fuss no no I won't leave I won't go no oh Lydia you're having so much fun at the park aren't you yeah it's really hard to leave when you're having fun yeah oh you weren't ready to leave yeah so three yes she got Pam you got three years from her I did and um you know it's it sounds almost silly because it's so simple right to ask three questions that get a yeah response I

33:30 have found this to be so helpful with my with my kiddos and it almost like kind of you can see the steam coming out with each yeah like yeah yeah yeah and then you get to that kind of place of understanding and empathy at the end and so yeah that's that's the the secret of the three y give it a try see how it goes with with your little preschoolers oh I love that yeah I just want to jump

33:54 in too and say this isn't like that we always caution parents on don't think that we're giving you the quarter to put in and get your Snickers of course I suppose the Snickers are more expensive than that now a lot morn a lot more but this the goal of this is to help your child truly feel understood and for you to ask the kind of question that they can enter into and go yeah I feel understood not the goal

34:24 of I'm want to get the perfect Cooperative Behavior from my child that's using questions to manipulate right so I just want to make that one super super clear as we wrap up here for sure Pam thanks for joining us this second half and Lyn and Lydia thank you so much for being here on the show and bringing your wisdom and expertise and I just know that this episode was really useful for parents especially those parents or those grandparents whoever's

34:56 caring for toddlers and preschoolers so thanks for being with me all three of you hey it was fun Stacy thanks thanks Stacy thanks for having me thanks for tuning in today friends these are the last few days to get the power of questions online course at the pay what you want offer here in the month of June well details for that are in the show notes or on our website so go grab that before the offer ends we are listener

35:25 supported organization over 46 6,000 parents like you listen to this podcast every month individual donations make the work to equip and encourage families possible for more information about connected families follow us on Instagram or Facebook or go to Connected families.org I will see you next [Music] time