Lewis Black Commencement Speech UCSD 2013

0:00 we at that Su Sublime moment in our program for our guest keynote speaker Lewis Black is a two-time Grammy and Emmy award-winning comic who has been a regular commentator on The Daily Show since its Inception I think he's the longest commentator in terms of tenure he has done six Comedy Central specials two for HBO and two for epics he's also hosted his own show the root of all evil on Comedy Central as an actor he's appeared in over a dozen

0:30 films including Man of the Year and accepted in a number of TV shows including the Big Bang Theory could we hear some noise please the New York Times bestselling author that's right the New York Times bestselling author has written three books having written over 40 plays his work has been performed throughout the country and on other planets in addition to his professional Pursuits Lewis is dedicated to a number

1:02 of charitable organizations including the cyric Fibrosis Foundation the Brady Center to prevent gun violence and the 52nd Street project he is also deeply committed to supporting our troops a seasoned USO tour veteran he's performed for the troops on three Christmas tours in Iraq and Afghanistan and was accompanied by the CH chairman of the chief joints of The Joint Chiefs of Staff it was just about 35 years ago when I enjoyed College days

1:34 and friendship with Lewis at Yale please make some noise and welcome to the podium Mr Lewis Black now with a a resume like that one I wonder why my more colleges haven't asked me to be their commencement

2:06 speaker seriously you're the very first school to have asked me and I'm not exactly sure what that says about you but it is an honor that I will not forget and since no one ever's asked me I wonder truly what were you guys thinking was no one else available who actually possesses knowledge wisdom and

2:39 a real job was I your last Choice before you had to go out and ask a mime are you sure seriously is this college even accredited my guesses is that no one has asked me because they were afraid I'd yell or scream or or dare I say it use profanity I'd say bad words like

3:09 Democrat Republican tea party or gun control they don't want someone speaking who has never gotten along with authority figures and believes that the most important quality a leader possesses is an ability to delegate responsibility and not the size of their paycheck or their need to bathe in the glory of their own ego and the luxurious sounds of their own voice it's 8 o00 in the morning I hope you got through that

3:40 sentence with me someone who believes since I was broke because I worked in theater till I was 40 years old I actually believe it is an this is going to shock some of the folks in the back it's a privilege to pay taxes and when and yeah and it's not a political question folks because we

4:11 have to pay for stuff and not only do is it important to pay taxes but when those taxes are collected they should be used judiciously and responsibly and I am someone who believes that rules that are stupid are made to be broken and before I forget I just want to say that I'm I'm really sorry that you might not be getting the Social Security checks that you will expect when you get

4:44 older our parents passed it on to my generation but no one seriously no one ever said to us that we were supposed to pass it on to the next Generation so we spent it but I've digressed I've got five minutes to impart my wisdom so let's get to it here's what I've got this is what I know these were the best years of your life it will never be this good again

5:19 it's why people say it it's true and if these weren't the best years of your life then start over everyone and I mean everyone has a funny story to tell except Mark Zuckerberg he apparently spent his college career designing a program to locate friends who didn't want to be found I want you to remember that your

5:50 sense of humor is your life Pro preserver in what can definitely be a veil of Tears relish it cultivate it it will keep you sane in the midst of the madness you will encounter nearly and I promise you nearly every day of your life it is vital to your existence it's so important that people pay morons like me to make them laugh I want you to remember that you are now entering a world that's filled

6:23 to the brim with idiots I'd use another word for that but it's considered by by many idiots to be too colorful and inappropriate at such an austere occasion since there are so many idiots out there you actually may start to think you're crazy you are not they are idiots it's at some point you will find yourself

6:55 interviewing for a job with an idiot who is in charge remember to just smile and be polite and pretend that you're listening like when your parents rattle on about something that they know nothing about and that you have no interest in just got it out you may know they are full of it but don't ever tell them that and whatever you do don't tell the idiot that they're an idiot there may come a day when you

7:25 may need that idiot and idiots may be idiots but they do have a memory this is no doubt obvious to most of you but I sure wish someone had told me and while we're on the subject of job interviews I'm just passing this on because it's true don't look at your phone when it buzzes or play something by Jay-Z while you're being interviewed when you go into an interview turn your

7:56 phone off jackass I only say this because apparently that's what some recent graduates have been doing at their job interviews they've also been doing stuff that is so stupid that I can't even tell you because it defies the human imagination which in a way brings us to the idea of multitasking it's not real if you're on the phone and reading your email at the same time you aren't

8:28 doing either of them it's not because I'm old and I can't do it it's because I'm old and I know it's a Croc the brain isn't built that way not yet you can only be in one now at a time it's why you can't drive and text if you're doing two things at once guess what you're not doing either you didn't quite get that I don't think I think you really think that that

8:59 that's true you're look at this I'm talking somebody's tweeting the most important thing of all now you armed with a degree for which there is probably no real job in sight and you've heard this a thousand times and the reason you have is because it is true pursue whatever it is that

9:31 you want to do with your life it's the only secret to happiness that I know except for maybe true love and maybe the amazing health insurance plan like our Congressman have pursue your dream I believe that is the path you should follow it's why you have the dream to sh show you the road that you should be on if you follow that road you

10:03 may not end up at your dream but you will end up doing something that gives you immense satisfaction you will spend most of your life working that's the truth and unless you win the Power Ball and if you do you'll actually need to live in a trailer those are the people who win the power balls but if you live in a trailer chances are you're going to be hit by a tornado or a flood this is the truth work

10:38 sucks so you want to do something you love doing not listen to me what your parents want you to do I know they paid money for many of you to have this education but that doesn't buy your life okay okay it's your life not theirs you're the one who has to live it they don't they'll worry that

11:08 you won't have enough money or that you're not ambitious enough or whatever else they need to worry about when it comes to filling up their day if we've learned anything over the past four years they're no guarantees and since there are no guarantees then your dreams right now are as good as gold no amount of money makes up for a job that grinds the life out of you and if there is a God I can promise you that the Supreme Being

11:40 doesn't give a damn about your cash flow if you're happy you won't think about money I seriously was as happy doing theater broke as I am making money as a comic I wouldn't be a comic if I hadn't pursued my dream which was writing plays for the theater and I will say if you you actually are writing plays for the theater don't go right to writing for television or film crack make more money than

12:10 playwrights but I'm not suggesting anything finally just because you get old doesn't mean that you have to to let go of your youthful inquisitiveness just because you get old you you don't have to let go of the beliefs you have now you have them for a reason it's called generally idealism there's nothing wrong with being

12:40 idealistic but you're going to run into a bunch of idiots ready to tell you that there is people will tell you that's too idealistic you're too idealistic as if it's an insult what's insulting isn't your idealism it's their lack of it their belief that nothing can be changed my generation truly knew what they had to do but in the end we didn't do it because we were too busy spending money on our

13:11 retirement be better than we were be better than my generation was it shouldn't be hard because we've left you no money to distract you so be better than we were and I truly believe you will be you are years ahead of a socially tweeting you have all the information that mankind has gathered right in your pocket in your phone now use that

13:44 information to find the facts to make a better world than the one we have today remember when you make the world better for everyone you do make it better for yourself a lot of people don't agree with that they are idiots you matter you are important don't let them screw with you get the job done take care of each other and thank

14:15 you for the privilege and the pleasure of speaking to you today go get them thank you

14:46 Lewis that was wonderful and if you're crazy enough to run for national office you have just won 12,000 votes on behalf of Marshall College I would like to present Mr Lewis Black with an award we're not allowed to give honorary degrees at the University of California but we came up with something just as good this is an award for quintessential aurbic wit in the field of political philosophy and social observation the college recognizes you and your artistic achievements and

15:16 honors your wrath please stand up if you find this on eBay buy it