Transcript
0:02 [Music] [Music] [Music]
0:40 whatever one now please be seated you is more than just a dream come true and everything that I do is out of Ling [Music]
1:19 you no one else can make me feel the colors that you bring Stay With Me we grow old and we will live each day in spring time cuz love in you has made my life so beautiful and every day and now it is my great honor to welcome Maya
1:54 Rudolph thank you wow I was not expecting that Green Envy you just blew my mind I am so honored you going make me cry and I'm supposed to be funny this is this is going to be interesting well well well here we are at all these beautiful faces and
2:25 iPhones thank you so much president Fitz the board of of two lane members and today's honorary degree recipients good morning graduates yeah families and friends of graduates mothers fathers Brothers brothers from other mothers sisters roommates [Music] roommates grandmas and grandpas mimas
2:59 and Papa Bubbies and Nanas and Bas Nani G's and their special friend herb Aunt Ronnie's Uncle Gary's and people who met on Tinder this morning I thank you for having me here to join you on this special day in this incredible City I stand Here humbled gracious and completely naked
3:29 under under this robe it really is a true honor to be with all of you as you begin this new phase of your life as you embark on this exciting and challenging journey of Being Sober during the day [Applause] yeah
4:00 it's going to it's going to be interesting I applaud you for being here today because it means not only have you earned a college degree but you have found this Arena despite still having a blood alcohol level of nine I'm looking at you School of Public Health and tropical [Applause] medicine you know fool
4:31 me from this day forward the world is filled with Endless Possibilities you're young you're in your 20s this is a great great day for you except for those of you leaving college with any student loan debt I don't I don't know what to say to you guys I'm sorry I hope you win the lottery I know what to tell you about that um well back in January when the university asked me to make today's commencement
5:02 speech I was delighted so when I started writing it this morning back at the hotel the first thing I did was go online and look up other commencement speeches and then I got tired so I took a nap I woke up cried a little bit ordered some wos rench Aros from room service and then I cried a little bit more and then I picked myself up by the
5:34 bootstraps and decided to go back to sleep and after I hit that snooze button like four or five times I got up again and I did what all of you probably did while you were pushing through finals week I made sure all the apps on my phone were updated because that felt like the most important thing then I checked Facebook Twitter Instagram and
6:04 Snapchat I periscoped my breakfast I took four quizzes on BuzzFeed and I I watched Game of Thrones and as I as I finished writing the speech on the car right over here this morning I thought I thought about just how deep my two lane routes are I am very proud to say that my father Richard Rudolph graduated class in 1968 right over
6:35 there and today my cousin Sabrina Rudolph is graduating with all of you Sabrina Sabrina I'd like to embarrass you by please asking you to stand up and wave at everyone in the super doome okay here she is I am so so so proud of you now please don't Sully the family
7:07 name it's very very easy to do that Benjamin Franklin Napoleon Jay-Z LeBron James Lucille Ball C3PO these are all graduates of tlane University according to my
7:38 [Applause] phone and they all graduated Magna Carta Holy Grail now I don't speak Latin so I do not know what that means but I do speak pig Latin so I know how to say I eeke IG Anon it just means I speak pig
8:09 Latin now I did not go to tane I graduated from UC Santa Cruz which is a yep oh you guys know it well it's a little hippie School nestled in the beautiful Seaside Woods of Northern California so so it's like this you guys have the Green Wave and our school Mas was the banana slug we did not have a football team but in fact we had an ultimate frisbe
8:41 team that's different right I majored in not washing my feet and advanced zigzag rolling [Applause] so so for a lot of my five year college career I was lost like actually lost Santa Cruz is is mostly Woods you make one wrong turn and you're gone for days but I didn't know who I was or or
9:15 what I was going to do with my life when I finished college and I wasn't any clearer about my direction than the the day I graduated high school I wore birken stocks and I smelled like a pachuli fart and I'm only willing to admit that now that birken stocks are sold at Urban Outfitters and then during senior Year my father asked me what I planned to do after I graduated and I told him I want to be on Saturday Night
9:44 Live it's true but it it wasn't until that moment I never wanted to admit that being on SNL was my dream I never wanted to admit that I was a thespian and this was back in the days when people were not talking about being thespians it was before thespians could marry and my dad did what any great
10:15 teacher would do he looked at me unfazed and said great and how do you plan to support yourself while you figure that out and when are you going to wash your feet he was realistic supportive deflected the responsibility back to me and subtly showed his support for his daughter's pursuit of a long life in fart jokes so I did what many of you will probably do I enrolled in more college and asked
10:47 my dad to pay for it at the Groundlings theater in Los Angeles I studied improvisation and in improvisation there there is one hard and fast Rule and that rule is known as yes and the term yes and to say yes and not just yes but to add information so in the adding of information you don't negate the other
11:18 person's idea but in fact you build on it so it's like this if I'm in a scene with you profess president fif uh and you say hey you're Oprah Winfrey and I say no I'm not then our scene would be over but president Fitz if you say hey you're Oprah Winfrey and I say yes I am and Today class of
11:49 2015 look under your seats because you are all leaving here today with a college diploma you got a diploma you get a diploma you get a diploma and you sir you get a diploma we're all getting diplomas almost lost my hat on that
12:23 bit so if I could give my 21-year-old self any advice it would be to take as many bikini photos as you can now because your body is smoking hot and let me tell you something it will not be this banging after child birth but seriously if I could give my 21-year-old self the advice I'm giving you
12:54 today and if I had a time machine well if if I had a time machine then I would go back in time and I would probably invent the iPhone because I think I could make a ton of money but if I must give any of you advice it would be this say yes say yes say yes and and create your own
13:24 destiny so hold on to your old friends it's good kiss your mama admit what your dreams are don't beat yourself up if you don't know what you're going to do tomorrow but work hard and don't be lazy and put away your damn iPhone once in a while and also be nice to jerks because we still
13:55 don't know the criteria for getting into heaven yet now go make your parents proud and figure out how to end global warming I love you class of 2015 now one more thing um if you would indulge me since we are in the Super Dome would you mind Rising one more time for the national anthem come on it's my
14:27 turn [Music] and by the ear light
15:05 [Music] what less blaming the who's Brothers arrives and right
15:41 right oh the ram rods we watched and the rockets red GL there the bombs bursting up in the air gave a little bit of proof through the
16:22 bite cuz it's one two knee Stacks in your out I will baby buy me some euts and Apple Jacks I don't care if cuz if you're likeing n ring on it said if you like it then you should
16:53 have put a ring on it don't be mad cuz you're see that he cuz if you like sh up on a ring woke up in the kitchen saying how the hell did this is happen [Applause]
17:27 oh [Music] [Music] the brave
18:02 B to the o to the a to the e to the V to the [Laughter] E play ball congratulations class of 2015
18:34 [Applause] I think I can say the Star Spangled [Applause] [Music] Banner [Music]
19:27 n St