Teaching Kids Forgiveness Is Essential: The Why & How

0:00 [Music] hey friends welcome back I'm Stacy belward the host of the connected families podcast Welcome to our community we are people committed to pursuing God's grace and truth for ourselves and then daily working to pass that Grace and Truth on to our children I'm so glad that you're here today well my guest attorney Melissa Coleman and I are going to have an important conversation we're going to talk about dealing with our past hurts she is going

0:27 to walk us through a mercy trial today I can't wait for that but first for a few weeks now we've been talking about our sibling conflict online course it teaches the easy to remember four-step pece process that your whole family can learn and walk through during conflict if you follow us on Facebook or Instagram you maybe saw the post that went a little bit crazy for us which talked about how normal sibling conflict is and then some steps and things you

0:58 can do about it well if you haven't tapped over to our website to check out that hor sibling conflict from bickering to bonding feel free to do that you can even just tap through to our show notes and you'll get a link for that well today's podcast is a perfect sequel to the conversation that Jim Lynn and I had which dropped last week on the value of restoration if you've not listened to it please do it's episode 140 we talked

1:27 about how sin breaks connection between us and God and it really is only Jesus dying on the cross to pay for that debt of our sin that brings us back into right relationship with him we also talked about how our sin also breaks our relationships with one another but because we believe in Jesus we get Abundant Life and part of that is restored relationships with each other okay so can you hear how sibling conflict online course and this

1:59 conversation about restored relationships weaves together you know in the online course Lynn Jackson co-founder of connected families she talks about how we as parents sometimes enter into our kids' conflict with our own baggage from our own past she gave her own example which was my big brother picked on me I'm not going to let my older son pick on his sister she talks about working through those things so that we can walk along side each one of

2:31 our kids free from the baggage of our past okay so this is where it all intersects with our conversation today today's conversation is important it's the what's going on in me work and you all know that we spend a lot of time here because we want to be free from the baggage and this is what we're led to with the connected families parenting framework okay so let me introduce my guest Melissa Coleman has been practicing law for 25 years she's done

3:04 extensive work in advancing human rights in both domestic and international Arenas as well as for advocating for the rights of citizens to freely exercise their religious beliefs in their public and professional lives Melissa and her husband of 26 years have five fantastic kids who I know wo they are great three adults and two teens and a village of young people in their lives what Melissa loves most in life is helping people get free and stay free Melissa welcome to

3:34 the connected families podcast thank you thank you I'm excited to be here I'm excited for you to be here too we have some of the same circles our kids have gone to the same school a few of our kids have been on the same basketball team but you know it wasn't until I went to a leadership conference here in our state of Minnesota you were doing a breakout that I heard about what God has been teaching you about getting free

4:01 walking through life without all the unnecessary weights and bondages I found Freedom through what you taught and I'm really excited to have you here today and teach everyone else also so welcome thank you yeah we're going to learn from you about a mercy trial which I thought was just like mind like it just blew my mind I thought it was so cool especially because you're an attorney and so just that connection I don't know felt really

4:28 powerful to me but let's just start off talking about Mercy I think that it's one of those words that people are like yes heard it it's in the Bible I know it's in sermons so tell us about that biblical concept as we start today sure I don't I think I was when I was growing up I heard somebody after I got saved I heard somebody say the difference between grace and mercy is Grace means god is giving us something that we don't

4:53 deserve and mercy is God is refraining from giving us punishment that we do deserve so I've always had those Concepts in my mind but really I think it's important just to start out with the understanding that Jesus came to Earth to pay for our sins as well as for the sins of those who hurt us he came so that people's sins are not counted against them we remember when he was on the cross and you know he asked the Lord

5:20 don't count those sins against them Steven was being stoned to death he said God don't count their sins against them that's what Mercy is that our sins will not be counted against us but Mercy is something that has to be applied I believe otherwise it's like it just sits there unus like a Christmas present that sits under the tree you know and never gets opened or enjoyed and I think it's important to understand that when someone hurts us wounds us that is a sin

5:45 and like all sin it creates a debt and that debt has to be paid for right now we can demand an eye for an eye a tooth for tooth right that's the principles of justice and I think that's what our flesh reaction for most of maybe probably all of us would want is for that person to pay for what they did to us right that's that's our sense of of Justice our sense of justice you know

6:06 wants to retain that sin against that person but the Bible teaches us that if we demand justice of our offenders God's going to use that same measure against us with respect to our sins Matthew 18 and I think sometimes we dance around this this reality because it seems pretty harsh but I don't know of any other way to interpret the Bible and all of its passages that that say this so I'll just reference Matthew 18 because

6:33 that is a crystal clear illustration of this principle the parable of the unforgiving servant right if you recall that Master was taking account of who owed him what that he realized that one of his servants owed him 10,000 bags of gold actually 200,000 years worth of wages totally unrep in anybody's life right yeah the master forgave that debt just like Jesus forgave our sin debt a debt that we could never ever ever pay off he erases it for all eternity

7:02 but if we act like the servant did in that Parable you recall He Came Upon a peer who only owed him 100 silver coins which was the equivalent of only a hundred days worth of wages he refused to cancel that debt or forgive that debt as you know in that Parable the servants told the master what happened the master summoned that first servant whose debt of 200,000 years worth of wage is 10,000 BS of gold he had just forgiven and he

7:29 said you're Wicked and he threw them into be tortured tormented by the jailers and this is where it gets very real judgment without Mercy will be shown to anyone who has not been merciful Matthew 18 says that this is how we will be treated if we refuse to forgive our brother and sister from our heart in James 213 It also says Mercy triumphs over judgment yeah so you know I think we know this to be experientially true even This Side of

7:57 Heaven when someone commits an injustice against us when they wound us when they offend us we see I mean I don't think I'm the only one who sees right we rehears it over and over in our minds and it occupies our heart and our mind space and it diminishes our dignity right and it's it's really a form of of torment and contrary to what some people believe I don't believe that time heals any wound I think that time buries it to

8:22 be resurfaced by the enemy at a later time when he can pile it on with a new offense but when we don't deal with Justice is committed against us we give the enemy access to us like inadvertently we find ourselves like in relationship with the accuser against that person and that gives him access to our hearts and Minds to torment us with hurtful emotions wounded Pride anger resentment fear is securing a whole bunch of other really ugly unwanted

8:49 rotten fruit that is you know probably saying too much but you asked what and it's it's really about partnering with heaven to not count people's sins against them and that is not a natural process that can be done of our own effort for sure and I feel like I get a stronger sense of what Mercy is when I really understand the depth of my own sin and you know for me I was a pastor's kid missionary kid I got saved when I

9:18 was little at times ask the Lord show me the ugliness of my sin I lived in this you know when I can get a grasp of my my own sin I can understand that I could never repay to Jesus what I owe him and so I love that and and that that has helped me that understanding has helped me be able to extend mercy and even walk through what you're going to be showing us today so I love that wow 200 years

9:49 worth of wages it's something we could have never never never repaid 200,000 200,000 years okay just like infinite amount of way yes just yeah can't even count okay so now we understand Mercy what is a mercy trial you've taught it to Mom's groups the leadership group conference that I was at even Retreats men's group churches even corporate settings Melissa can you tell us what happens and lead us through one yeah

10:19 absolutely well like I said when injustices and offenses are committed against us we need to deal with them and not bury them and as any good lawyer will tell you you need to sue those offenders but we're going to sue them not in the Earthly courts but in the Heavenly courts so you know as Believers as people who have benefited from Jesus's Mercy for our own sins we deal with these offenses in the spirit realm which is a real transaction that takes

10:47 place in the spirit realm and has impact on our souls on Earth and it has impact on the other person's soul and the atmosphere as well and I'm not sure if we'll have time to get into that but I've got some really rock in testimonies that that illustrate that but so there's some similarities and some key differences between Earthly courts and Heavenly courts as in the Earthly courts we have to start by creating what we call in the in the justice system a

11:14 charging document so a defendant cannot be convicted or acquitted of any offense it has not been specifically named and so this step is really really important and I give people a little yellow legal Pad but I was at the workshop J and Melissa hands everyone a little yellow legal pad and I love it because on the outside it says confidential and attorney client privilege you know everybody owns their own legal pad and the Holy Spirit is your lawyer right and

11:44 so as I'm teaching people about this I always have people tell me that names and memories start coming up and they start remembering these offenses you got to deal with this you can't just keep bearing this and so I tell them to flip open the first page and just write down every single name right and then at the end of the talk we take we say okay look at all those names and choose the worst offender which one like hurt you the

12:08 worst and you write their name on the top of the next page and then we start with the charges okay and so some charges may sound like you rejected me you excluded me you neglected me you violated me you abandoned me you lied to me or you lied about me you misuse my trust you stole from me you falsely accused used me you took advantage of me you stole my Purity you humiliated me you damaged my reputation these are the

12:35 kinds of things that we write down and the Holy Spirit is really good at helping us to really get at what exactly did they do and so once the charging document is complete we summons the offender to the Heavenly courts where we charge them with every single offense and once all the charges have been specifically named then we are faced with choice We can agree with the Accuser and demand Justice eye for an eye tooth for a tooth or we can agree

13:03 with Jesus and extend Mercy to the perpetrator even though they are justly accused guilty and deserving of punishment and again the Bible says Mercy triumphs over judgment PA you there a second Melissa because when you say our choice is to either agree with the accuser or side with Jesus say more about how that's agreeing with the accuser because I feel like I was wrong say more about that right so again like what we first talked about Stacy is you

13:32 know we our flesh reaction is to retain those injustices committed against us and demand payment well can payment ever really be made that makes us whole probably not but this is a process where we choose to relinquish our claim on those injustices and we transfer jurisdiction of that matter to Jesus to deal with that person they're not off the hook they still have to they still have to have their sins forgiven by Jesus okay Jesus is still going to deal

13:59 with that person but as it relates to us it's no longer our claim anymore we're transferring jurisdiction we've relinquished our claim on that Injustice and we said okay it's not mine anymore okay and so this is literally why Jesus came to die is to pay for the debts created by sin so that our sins wouldn't be counted against us but the key is he doesn't want us to count other people's sins against them either Jesus gave us

14:28 access to his Mercy I liken it to a mercy credit card you know he gives us the Visa right so we can use his Mercy to pay for the debts that are owed to us by others other people's injustices committed against us and when we release Mercy where judgment is deserved when we do this we relinquish our claim on those injustices which is the only way to heal and be set free and have a clean heart

14:54 and sometimes it's the only way to get out of relationship with people who don't deserve anymore of our heart and mind space right people who have hurt us or someone who we loved and they're not the type of person that we want in our lives but they are continuing to occupy our heart and mind space because we've been being tormented with those hurtful memories and and hard emotions and this is a way to cut the enemy's access to us

15:21 off and get out of relationship with people who we don't deserve to be in our lives yeah that's so good I it's the B AG that we talked about earlier and then I even talked about it in the intro you know I use the example of we're talking a lot about our sibling conflict online course right now and it's helping parents walk through the peace process but sometimes we have our own baggage that we bring into our kids conflicts

15:48 and one of the examples that our founder Lynn used is that she was picked on by her big brother when she was little and so she would go into her kiss's conflict with older son you are not going to pick on your little sister cuz I remember what that felt like and I am not going to let that happen and so she she's talks about having to work through some of that stuff so that she can come

16:11 without the baggage to fully support both of the kids so we're talking about here right so you were you were just saying the charging document and we might have that baggage from the memories from way back in the past of being a six-year-old and your little brother or your big brother you know bullying you and whatever that looks like and so what you just walked us through is start writing it out and let the holy write out help you remember the

16:37 things that you're holding in your cells really in your body and in your mind write them out and it legitimizes that reality that this was a wrong done to me that's powerful because we just often feel like we're victim and then the enemy you know starts sending messages like well you deserved it well you're really not wor you know you're not really worthy to be treated better and it gets all muddled with emotions but when we start articulating what exactly

17:06 are the charges that's very powerful process but then we can't stop there so you asked me to to share with you like what does a mercy trial look like and I'll give you a a real life example of a young wife and mom who shared with that her husband early on in their marriage had had an affair and had cheated on her which had happened some years ago and she had actually come to me to talk to

17:27 me about a friend situation but you know how the Holy Spirit kind of gives you a heads up sometimes that you know maybe there's something going on with you too and so I asked her about it and she's like no I forgave him I forgave him I'm like okay well how are things playing out your relationship and she's like oh I just I'm so suspicious all the time I can't stop checking his phone and his GPS and it's like she couldn't let him

17:46 out of jail and and I said well you you know I know that you have worked really hard to give him your forgiveness and your mercy but there's a difference with in releasing Jesus's Mercy to pay for a sin okay there's a difference so I asked her do you want to do you want to do this and she's like you know yeah sure so I just let her in a simple prayer and that is on the in the back of our little

18:11 notebooks I give people some sample prayers but it went it went something like this she said this she said loving father and righteous judge I'm gonna say Jack I summoned Jack to the Heavenly courts Jack I charge you with some of her charges were things like you violated our covenant you stole my S of security you brought another woman into our marriage and exposed us both to unknown sexual diseases and spiritual Darkness you s stole our children's

18:37 sense of security you violated their trust and she had a few other charges so she named the charges against them against Jack she said you are guilty of these charges and deserving of punishment however because Jesus chose to extend Mercy to me for death that I could never repay there's the 10,000 bags of gold I choose to extend the same Mercy to you for your offenses Against Me Jesus I ask that you not count Jack's sins against him I break the power of

19:04 condemnation off of you Jack and I declare you acquitted forgiven and free I also break every tie I have had with the accuser against you jack enemy you no longer have power over me and no legal right to torment me I will not be lured back in by you or commit Double Jeopardy which we can we'll talk about later I break off my relationship with you now against Jack for good father God I now choose to partner with heaven with

19:31 you for Jack and I ask that you bless him with every Heavenly blessing and then she prayed for her husband so she's choosing instead of fighting against her husband now she's fighting for him okay I can't tell you how many people I've met who have spent decades in counseling and suffering with heavy baggage of bitterness of fear of insecurity of shame but when they agree to relinquish their claim on those injustices that cause that torment and apply Jesus's

20:02 powerful currency of Mercy to pay for those debts they can finally truly forgive and heal and yeah I've taught this to women's groups I've taught it to men's groups to even to my legal clients I I have church clients and I say to them every time you hire someone make sure that you lead them through Mercy trials because you know what otherwise they're going to bring the same baggage that caused them to leave their old church into this new church M and you

20:30 know they're going to look probably look like the perfect candidate but that old junk is going to resurface if it's not dealt with yeah I think that's good I know you know in the notes from the seminar that you gave you said something really powerful about naming this Injustice and you said when when Injustice is not addressed so unaddressed Injustice diminishes us because I feel like so often we're like oh just get over it it was little it was

20:59 not a big deal it's some things are big and you need to deal with them but I'm talking about the majority of I we sometimes hold and so the freedom that comes with just saying I was hurt yeah this was not right what happened to me is is really so freeing in and of itself and um you know you've talked about Injustice really the standard is Luke 6:31 you talked about it in that workshop for me you said do to others as

21:28 we would have them do to you that's the standard Luke 6 anything less is Injustice Okay so we've talked a little bit about why it's important to acknowledge all of that but I'm wondering if you could talk about personal sovereignty and that whole idea as it relates to this yeah sure well let's first deal with the standard because it's a pretty high standard that Jesus sets out right for us to treat other how

22:00 the person that we're interacting with would want to be treated themselves so that is a very high standard I think in a in our culture we applaud the notion of toughness and having thick skin you know and and we fail to understand that every sin Demands a payment that's a spiritual law and no matter how much we act like we're not hurt by injustices committed against us our dignity is diminished and if we don't deal with

22:25 injustices the enemy uses those offenses to mess with us Jesus said we're to treat others as we would want them to treat us so this is the standard that he articulated for our human interaction but often we don't feel worthy to be treated according to the standard right how the person we're interacting with would want to be treated themselves or we become accustom to not being treated according to the standard but our god-given human dignity demands it

22:53 that's what Jesus said so when someone treats us less than they themselves want to be treated they are committing an injust jce against us now some injustices are small but others are grave and life-changing yeah I can remember just even praying with someone at church a few weeks ago and it was just he hurt me he hurt me but I just can't get over it I'm just trying to get over it you know I just want to move

23:14 past it and how do I know I've forgiven and so this concept of naming it it was not right I'm writing it down because I am a child of God like I am a sovereign person and then I can take that Injustice to court in the way that you've you've showed us so we've all R our best to try to forgive someone and sometimes there are serious offenses or I know as you say Melissa you say a

23:44 grave Injustice and even though we try our best if we're truly being honest we have to admit that we haven't really fully forgiven that person in our hearts despite our very best efforts we try and try do I know I've forgiven have I forgiven I I've asked myself that question so what do you say to that person like you and probably every other human alive I'm just not good enough of a person to be able to forgive some

24:11 injustices they just cut too deep into my Humanity my test is if I can truly pray for that person from my heart with a clean heart and desire their best if when I see them or hear their name if I have any ill will or a little twinge in my heart it's not a clean plate you know but I know that I can get maybe 80% there but there's still that residue and and I just went to the Lord and I said

24:37 I'm not good enough of a person to do this and he said yeah I know that's why I gave you access to my Mercy right I believe there is a difference a massive difference in the value of our Mercy which is sin soiled and Jesus's Mercy which has no spot stain or blemish and which is powerful enough to pay for every single debt so when I just can't fully forgive from my heart which is what the Bible requires of me 80%

25:04 doesn't get us there right yeah I have to utilize Jesus's powerful currency of Mercy to pay for those grave injustices you know I often joke that my Mercy is probably valuable enough to pay for the debt created by the guy who cut me off on the road and flipped me off much more than that I have to use Jesus's Mercy purchased by his innocent blood and that is why this is a Heavenly transaction you know when we look at our

25:32 offenders and say I just can't forgive that person Jesus is like hey remember you were holding a debt of 10,000 bags of gold compared to what you owed me this person really only owes you 100 silver coins yeah yeah so fix your eyes on what I did for you and that will give you the ability to relinquish your claim on those injustices and allow my Mercy to pay for those debts and give it to me to deal with that person we are a

25:59 listener supported organization over 50,000 parents like you listen to the podcast every month individual donations make the work to equip and encourage families possible for more information about connected families follow us on Instagram or Facebook or go to Connected families.org I will see you next [Music] time

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