Why Your Child Is Pulling Away

0:01 Hello everyone. Welcome to a new episode of parenting and you with me Dr. Shafali. If you are a parent who longs to be connected to their children but sometimes hits a road bump and doesn't know what to do and doesn't even know how to handle the child before you, well then you're going to learn a lot from this episode. They are two different stories that we're going to hear about two different kind of scenarios, but both of them point to the same foundational issue. How do I connect with my child in whatever they're going through? How do I relate to them? And how do I make sure that my child feels that they can be safe with me, that they can receive my input without feeling criticized, and that they can feel empowered in my presence. This is what every parent wants. So, tune in and keep listening because you're going to get a lot of great insights from this episode.

0:58 Coming up, a mother who wants to know how to help her 12-year-old son be more resilient. Joining me now is Marta. [music] She's the mother of a 12year-old son and she wants to know what is the best way to teach him resilience. Hi, Marta. I'm so happy you're here with us. Tell us what's going on. >> Hi, Dr. Shifali. Thank you so much for having me. Yes. So, I have a 12-year-old son. He has a great spirit and he's so much into sports. He has been having a series of fevers last year which prevented him from going to trainings, prevented him from playing his matches.

1:38 And so during that time when he didn't play his confidence kind of went down. So when he came to the next match, he didn't feel so confident with himself. The coach also give him some criticism and he just pulled back. I'm wondering what's the best way for a 12 year old to deal with criticism like how we can bounce back and how we can build this resilience. >> That's a great question. You know, so many parents want to know how do you build resilience and how do you build grit? Because on one hand, we want to keep our children feeling positive about themselves and give them praise and constructive feedback, but then on the other hand, you know, they also have to learn how to deal with criticism, right?

2:28 So, I think it's a double-edged sword. Too much criticism can ruin their initiative, can make them feel judged, can make them defensive and withdraw, which is what's happening to your son, right? And we all know that sports coaches are notorious at shredding the athlete and making them feel very, you know, conspicuous and they feel very conscious of themselves and that's the worst thing for an athlete. But I think maybe the way that we parents can help our children, you know, create that inner grit is to teach them the function of criticism, right? And that criticism sometimes can be a challenge rather than a characterological slur, right? When criticism is too much, we feel that somebody's judging our very essence and we feel ashamed. But when criticism is constructive, it can be a challenge that we, you know, fight through and we work through and that's grit and resilience.

3:33 The ability to push through a challenge develops resilience. But if the challenge is too much or too overpowering, if the criticism is too scathing, if the trauma is too overwhelming, then it shuts down the innate capacity to push through. Right? So it depends on how bad is the criticism. So let me first ask you, do you feel like the coach's criticism was very severe or was it something that we could reframe as a challenge?

4:03 >> Maybe from a parent perspective, it might sound like quite harsh. However, as a coach, I understand that you have to push your players otherwise there wouldn't be any results. >> Yes, I'm kind of in between. Like I understand that it needs to be done but maybe it's done from my perspective. Maybe it has been done on a slightly harsher level. >> Yes. And you can acknowledge that to your son. You know, yes, the coach was harsh. Yes, the coach is not the most amazing person to give feedback. Other parents feel that too. You know, you can make him feel that it's happened to other kids. You can show him videos of the NFL and, you know, NBA where coaches are screaming at their athletes to show that this is something coaches do.

4:51 Doesn't mean that it's amazing. Doesn't mean they're doing it right, but they're doing it not to make it personal, but to push the team forward. So, you can discuss these things with him that, you know, there is such a thing as positive critique and positive feedback that can challenge you. And what if the coach had said it this way? Would that have helped you a little bit? Well, the coach is not a therapist and the coach doesn't realize, so the coach said it this way.

5:18 Now, how can we take it? We could take it as a challenge or we could take it as a thing to be ashamed of. How do you want to take it? And you can make it a lesson about receiving feedback. Listen, we would all feel the way he feels. So I would ask you to normalize what he's feeling to validate that he's not wrong. He's not crazy. You feel also that the coach was too harsh and he didn't have to be so negative. But also then normalize that this is what coaches do.

5:48 It doesn't make it right. And he has a choice here, right? What can he do to transform his experience? He can make it as a personal challenge and show the coach what he's capable of or he can take it personally and go down. So this is how we have to teach our children. The way of the world is sadly never going to be the way we would like our children to be treated. But they have to accept if they want to be on a team.

6:15 Coaches are most of them harsh. I cannot tell you how many parents come to me saying the same thing. Why did my coach ruin my child's self-esteem? Now my child doesn't even want to try the sport. This is the nature of these athletes and sports and coaches. They're not the most mild manner. They're not the most sensitive. So what do we do? You know, how can we change them or do we change ourselves? >> Yes, we do have those discussions where we are talking about how we are responding to this criticism. However, I did notice that he doesn't pull back only when he receives the criticism.

6:56 Now, he kind of started adopting it internally as like if he makes mistake, he's not happy with himself. He starts being frustrated with himself which then creates the circle of him being frustrated with himself. When you're frustrated, you don't perform to your best abilities. You are not playing your game. And when you are not playing your game, obviously coach is not happy with you. So there's this circle happening. >> Right. Right. So let me ask you what is the attitude in your house around imperfectionism and failure and making mistakes and being easygoing around these things or are yall a family of high achievers and stvers and perfectionists? Well, I think to an extent there is a slightly competitive nature. Both me and my husband we played our respective sports.

7:48 So we kind of understand that but we try not to have perfectionism per se because I know that's creating troubles for yourself. >> Mhm. >> And we try to tell him mistakes are okay. That's how you learn. But he somehow after receiving those feedbacks, he sometimes somehow internalize that. >> Yeah. Well, when you have two very competent parents, that's really overwhelming sometimes for a child. What I would encourage you to do and and this is something that actually Sarah Blakeley who's the founder of Spanx she she once shared with us that this is what her father would do at home and I think it's such a great thing for parents to you know embrace that he would always tell them at the dining table okay let's go around and you have to tell me a mistake you made today right and whenever the child was like I didn't make any mistake he was like well I guess you didn't try anything new And it was about teaching children at a young age that in order to try something new, you must be okay with imperfection, failure, and making mistakes. And he wanted them to try something new so badly that he made it a thing like what mistake did you make today? And he would be disappointed if they didn't make a mistake because that meant they didn't try anything new. So it's a great way of teaching children resilience. Also, our children are always watching us. How are you when you make a mistake? How are you around your failures and imperfections?

9:23 Are you somebody who is easygoing and your first instinct is to say, "It's okay. It's all right. It's not the end of the world." Is that your first instinct? Or is your first instinct, "Oh my goodness, let me clean it up. Let me fix it." Right? Children are watching our attitude and they're absorbing whether we're easygoing about mistakes or we're very severe and harsh around our mistakes. So that's for you to tell us. What do you think he could be absorbing from watching you and your partner? I think we are you know I think we have progressed and I think right now we also evolve as a parents and as we might have been more competitive during our younger years but I think we are now quite easy >> and that's good that's really good so keep being mindful and intentional with a child like yours who's is sensitive right he's showing us that he's not one of those kids who actually thrive in criticism, right? There's some kids who want to become better immediately.

10:27 They're very competitive. They want to succeed. He may not have that edge, that streak in him, and most kids don't because they are kind of normal. Your kid is normal. You know, he's not extra competitive, extra trying to win and be the first, right? Those children can push through and plow through criticism and they actually thrive on criticism. But most of us quote unquote normal average folk who are sensitive, we don't like criticism. He's very normal. He's very sensitive. So now that you are mindful about it, I would make sure that I'm exhibiting more relaxation around mistakes and creating a culture in our home that we are completely absolutely ridiculously imperfect and we are all on a journey and we are all in progress and process and there is no destination. So be mindful of the messages you are passing on to him. Are you teaching him that life is about getting to the top and becoming better or is life about trying your best and whatever you do is good and already good enough. Right?

11:34 It's a subtle shift in messaging but children pick up on it. The messaging between you know you are amazing already as you are. Yeah, we can all improve, but you don't have to go crazy trying to prove something to us versus, you know, you have to try harder and you have to do better and life is about striving and achieving, right? It's the energy behind these messages that our children then absorb. >> There was something that you mentioned that some people might be kind of naturally better at resilience at, you know, getting back. Also wondering like is there a difference? Is resilience kind of a character trait or is it something acquired?

12:16 >> Well, I think it's both. I think resilience comes from other character traits. So, if one is very sensitive and very, you know, attuned to other people's emotions, maybe your son is one of those people. So, resilience as itself, I can't tell you whether you know it's nature or nurture. I think it's a combination. But I think resilience comes from other traits. So if one is extremely artistic, a dreamer, sensitive, attuned, you know, very plugged into other people's emotions, then their capacity to show up resilient when another is not happy with them is going to be compromised, right? Because their value is more in making people happy with them. So their value is not about self-absorbed competitiveness which can look like resilience. Their value is in oh my coach is not happy with me or oh my mother is not happy with me and that affects them and reduces their ability to show up resilient. Folk or children who are less thin skinned, right? More thick-skinned who don't really care or not so attuned about what other people feel. those children will actually show up more resilient because they're not bothered by other people's opinions of them. They can plow through that and they don't take it so personally. In fact, they want to fight back against that. Right?

13:42 So those things are inbuilt in how children come wired and you can't really teach that too much, but you can cultivate it more. You can tell your child, listen, you're a very sensitive boy and you really care about what other people think about you. And that is what makes you so beautiful, but it's going to harm you because you're going to over care about what people think about you. And then you won't be able to show up if they don't think about you in the best way. And you can ask your kid, is that what you feel is happening to you on the field? So this is all data. This is all learning. No child needs to be a particular way. What they need to do is embrace who they are and then progress from there. But there's no such thing as okay, be that kind of child and don't be this kind of child. We need to embrace who we are authentically. For example, I'm a very sensitive person. I will not thrive in severe competition, but I can still succeed. So competition is not for every child. And that's okay. We don't need every child to thrive in a competitive world. They can find their own way of thriving without being competitive. I literally stayed away from everything competitive because I don't like that and I didn't thrive in that as a child, right? Even though I may secretly be competitive, I don't like external competition. Every child is different. So if you and your husband were very competitive, maybe that's something you would want from your child. So be mindful that your child may not be like you.

15:19 >> Maybe there is something about that as well. >> What do you mean that we might see him following in our steps obviously like we support him. So from my side the most important thing is that he feels supported. I don't mind whether he succeeds like whether he will go into professional football or not. Like that's not my objective. I just want him to feel supported. Yes. And the best way we can support our children is to recognize who it is they are versus who it is we think they should be based on who it is we are. So if you can be mindful of that, you can then attune to him and meet him where he is at. Right?

16:01 So if your partner has come from a very competitive childhood or a competitive background, then it's quite natural that you are going to project this onto him. So be mindful of the fact that your child may not be inherently competitive or have that edge, that competitive streak. All children don't have it and it's okay and they can still be really successful in life. I didn't go for a single competition my entire life and I'm super successful. So just allow the space for your child to be who he is.

16:35 >> I think he's competitive but he does have this sensitive observant side to him kind of edging on being an empath. >> Yes, >> he can read emotions. >> Yeah. And empaths won't do so well in a competitive cutthroat environment because he cares about his teammates. He cares about how other people feel. You have to kind of have a less empathic side to you to become myopic about winning, right? Winning takes a myopia and a focus on your goal and yourself and your team. And empaths really complicate things for themselves because they think about other people. But I hope that helped you and thank you so much for bringing this very interesting topic to the forefront.

17:17 >> Oh no, thank you for taking your time answering my questions. Thank you very much. I hope every parent listening to this episode can examine within themselves if they are expecting their children to be something that they are not. Whether it is to be happy all the time or cheerful because they are cheerful people or to be artistic or competitive like perhaps this mother was struggling with because it's so easy to bypass who it is our children truly are and impose on them the attitudes the behaviors that we have grown up with because that's who we were. So really making the distinction, being intentional about the question, is this truly about my child or is this about me? Am I truly connecting with who my child is in their essence and nature or am I contouring them to become who it is I want them to be? And I I can tell you as a mother of a 22-year-old, I still make this mistake and have to correct myself consistently. Thankfully, my daughter is empowered enough to tell me when I'm overstepping and projecting my feelings and my attitudes about life, politics, behaviors, relationships onto her and when I am misatuning with her.

18:39 So, we need to be mindful at all times and not take for granted that our child needs to think, be, act, feel like us simply because that's who we are. Coming up next, a dad who's desperately searching for the tools that he can use to stay connected with his teenage daughter after having separated from his wife. We're now going to meet Vicas. He's struggling to stay connected with his 13-year-old daughter after separating from his wife. Hi, Vicas. I'm so happy you're here with us. You know, it's always so refreshing when I see a father here following my work. So, tell us how come you're such a fan of conscious parenting.

19:24 >> Yeah, Dr. Shafali, thank you for giving me this opportunity. I'm really happy to be on your show. I filled up a form I think a few weeks ago. I'm a big fan of your show of what the work that you do. The podcast I think drops every Tuesday and while on my commute to work in London, I always try to watch the show and share it with a lot of other single parents like me who are struggling and thank you for doing what you do because uh it really inspires single parents like me who I think with my new teenage daughter, I'm finding it quite challenging with the transition but really want to learn something from you today. I'm sure I will as I do from your amazing podcast every week and I'm looking forward to this conversation with you. uh so brave. Thank you so much for coming here and representing men and especially South Asian men because they're typically so resistant to getting help. So your being here really is an emblem. So I appreciate your presence here. Okay. So tell us what's going on with you and your daughter.

20:21 >> Yeah. So I mean our divorce has been a while now. It's been 6 years we have been separated. And my daughter who's now 13, she has been in two separate homes since she has been six or seven. So she's kind of used to this uh and we have equal parenting. I had a very difficult court journey in UK through family court to have a 50/50 parenting because I was a very involved father since my daughter has born and I wanted to keep that continuing. I didn't see why after being separated that I should have less parenting time you know and my daughter was already flourishing with both of us being deeply involved in her life and I wanted to continue that. So I did a bit of parallel parenting initially when my ex-wife moved out of the family home and that seemed to be working for 2 years and over the years I think things have gotten a bit better.

21:09 We are co-parenting quite well now until the time that my daughter moved to high school which happened last year and I do understand when also listening to your podcast I do often notice that a lot of other parents struggle with this transition phase. So having that initial knowledge I think I was quite well prepared for this transition to happen from primary school to high school. I think it's called middle school in United States but in UK it's called high school. So I was quite patient and things were going well. I think she had some initial glitches at school with bullying and all which we know because of our good co-parenting ethos we have been able to cruise her through that phase and now she's in year 8 and suddenly I see a a very vast change and I think I didn't expect this at the age of 13 that she would be so like for example the challenges I'm facing right now is like it's very difficult to have a very basic simple conversation about how was uh school you know what's happening in your life you know and I tried different ways of approaching this conversation. I nowadays just get one word answer. So how was school? School was good. Okay. So can we go in a bit detail and I find it very difficult to encourage her to speak about it rather than being a pestering parent and constantly bugging her. You know I have to give her that space which I do but I think I've been probably giving her too much of a space. Like yesterday I was having a WhatsApp conversation and I asked her about something and normally she would say good or okay she she said IDK which basically means I don't know.

22:38 So even the word is becoming into acronyms which I have to kind of get. So I really want to learn from you how to deal with this transition which has been over a year and I seem to be losing the very good conversations I used to have. Obviously I used to drop her to school. I changed my work life based on her school timing so I could drop her and pick her but obviously in high school they feel a bit embarrassed when parents drop them to school so I had to let that go and that again you know loses the time of the conversation that you can have with your child and yeah I'm really here to learn how to overcome this barrier obviously you know Instagram Snapchat and Tik Tok are not helping because they are connected with their friends on that those platforms and that is another distraction that we have to face here as parents So yeah, I will shut up now and I don't know if I've given you enough info on my situation.

23:28 >> Well, thank you. Yes. So, first I I will say that, you know, it's always important for parents to keep an eye out for risky behaviors, red flag behaviors. Is my child getting too depressed? Is my child, you know, comparing herself with other children on Tik Tok, Snapchat, Instagram, like that and having a negative impact on their well-being? This is having a negative impact. Always be mindful of this next phase because it's a very delicate phase especially for teenage girls especially in this age of increased madness with social media.

24:03 So I will tell you to be vigilant to watch to make sure that she's eating having a shower seems okay not locking herself up for hours in the room not harming herself not going to the bathroom after eating for example that's a sign often of bulimia or anorexia keep aware of these red flags for young teenage girls they are very susceptible they are going through a very hard time so I'm telling you to be mindful and watchful and you know keep an eye don't be uh blissfully unaware parent. Stay on top of it. But now having said that, what teenagers need more than anything is a safe and calm presence. They don't need to talk to you. They don't need to tell you things. In fact, they will not tell you things. And they will go through this phase at least till 20 21 where they kind of I say the aliens have abducted your child. like they talk like this mono syllables IDK everything is one or two answers you're lucky if you even get that so this is not unique to you this is unique to this phase and parents get confounded we feel like rejected like jilted lovers like somebody has betrayed us because the sweet child who used to come to us for advice and safety and look at us with adoring gazes has now disappeared because the aliens have come and abducted your child. This is the truth.

25:30 And they will only come back later. Like you're lucky if they even come back later. So it is very depressing for parents because we want to be connected. We want to have these heartto-hearts. And not only do they not talk to us, when they do talk to us, they will be irritated. They will snap and they will be criticizing and rejecting of us. So we take it very personally. Developmentally, this is exactly what they should be doing. they need to separate from the parents and go to their peers. However, their peers are mostly not that smart. So, we are very scared especially now on these social media channels. So, I'm not saying that this is a wise thing, but this is developmentally quite appropriate. But sadly, back then when we used to live in a tribe, they were going to other tribes where there were elders, where there was a community. Now they're going into this vast dangerous world of social media. So it's a little bit different now and more dangerous. So you have to be more mindful. But the instinct that our children have at this age to disconnect is the right instinct because they are launching into their own lives. So in a way it is healthy. The sad part is that they're going toward bad potentially negative influences. It's like we can say you know eating meat is a good thing for us. However, eating meat that is laden with steroids or hormones is not good for us. Right? So, the instinct is correct. But now we are living in a toxic world, right? So, we have to be careful. I wouldn't take it personally.

27:04 What I would do is be very present and attuned. And when she does come to you with a risky behavior or with a negative behavior or she's failing in a class, that's when you need to show up with the most amazing, safe, non-judgmental presence. Your test is going to come. The test is not going to be in the micro. How was your lunch? What did you do at school? Let that go and prepare yourself for when she does need you that you show up beautifully. So when you catch her with a boy, when you catch her in a lie, when you catch her with alcohol, when you catch her failing a class, that is going to come, right?

27:50 Because >> right >> adolescence is about risky adventure, taking steps out of your comfort zone, experimenting. So when that happens, how are you going to behave? Are you going to be the safe parent? Are you going to be the positive parent? Are you going to be the non-judgmental parent? I always encourage parents of teenagers, stop looking for the micro connections and wait for the big test because the big test is where you can show up and connect and cement the foundation of your relationship. So relax. Don't sweat the small stuff. The big stuff is coming. And are you ready for the big stuff? Right? And this is where you're going to have to check your attitudes around sexuality, your attitudes around failure and success and achievement, your attitudes around drugs and alcohol.

28:39 Now, even though your kid is going to experiment, most likely you don't have to have an easygoing attitude about drugs and alcohol, but the point is that you don't shame her, that you don't judge her, right? So you can still say no drugs, no alcohol, but if she does violate, you can also tell her she is safe with you, right? So you need to let her know that dad is a safe place. Dad is a non-judgmental space. Dad is easygoing. Dad also was a teenager. So that's what she needs from you. A parent who can relate to her if she needs, right? She doesn't need a buddy. She has enough buddies. What she needs is a presence that will be safe for her if she's in trouble. Right? So, if you appear very rigid, if you appear very perfectionistic, she's not going to want to come to you. So, can you be easygoing and chill and tell her that listen, you were a teenager as well. You did a lot of naughty things. You understand? And you're going to give her her space because you're a chill parent. Then, she's going to come to you. Now, a chill parent doesn't need to be a parent who has no boundaries. But a chill parent is a parent who understands, a parent who can relate, right? So, there's a difference. A chill parent isn't a parent who's smoking marijuana with his kids. A chill parent is someone who understands that children may want to smoke marijuana and may want to try drugs and they understand that, but that doesn't mean that they have to allow it, but they understand it.

30:11 >> Yeah. Everything you've said is has made so much sense, Dr. Shupali. Thank you. And I think I've made a lot of trips to Sephora recently [laughter] and I try to ask her what she's had at school. Has she had lunch or not? And I have a feeling that sometimes she skips lunch and you know things about anorexia and all that stuff that you spoken. I think subconsciously the social media they are exposed to is where I think they are being influenced. And I find it very difficult as a parent to I mean I don't want to bug her but I want her to make her her own. Thankfully in study she's still doing quite well. the school is happy with her academics and I'm happy as well. But is the other stuff which she's exposed to via Tik Tok and the influencer she follows to sharing the multiple makeup things and she sends me photos of that and then we make trips to Sephora and she empties my wallet and whatn not. So I didn't expect it at such an early age at 13 and I think that's why I'm finding it so difficult that at 13 if I'm exposed to this what's to come when she's 15 when she's 18. So, but I think you've already highlighted the things that she's going to be exposed with. So I have to be a bit patient >> and maybe you can start watching documentaries with her on the effects of social media and body image and you know instead of directly lecturing to her watch documentaries on this on the beauty industry and how it affects the psychology of girls and you know watch things on social media and how there's so much now on how social media creates depression especially in girls. Maybe she can read The Anxious Generation, the new book that has come out and you both can discuss it, right? Instead of her earning allowance just for doing nothing, maybe she can earn allowance by reading books with you or watching documentaries with you.

31:54 >> So that's another way that she can become aware >> because when we lecture our children, they tune us out. But if you make it about, you know, watching documentaries together or reading books together and talking to other people, maybe then she will be more open to receiving the wisdom. >> It's very interesting because I think just a few weeks ago on Channel 4, which is a popular channel in United Kingdom, they did a documentary about kids her age. I think they were all 13year-old kids and they did a experiment with Dr.

32:23 Chatty who's a popular doctor here in the UK. And um they logged their phones in the school for 21 days in a kind of a box and then they followed the lives of a few children who are 13 years old of how they cope with the 21 days without having their mobile smartphones in in their hands and and the teachers also did the same in the school which was interesting to see and I tried to watch the documentary with her which kind of had initially she was engaged but again I think because they have such a short interest span because of the kind of stuff they watch you know which are 10 seconds, 50 seconds, 30 seconds. After 15 minutes in the documentary, she lost interest. But I'm still positive at least she watched those first 15 minutes and as like we should do this experiment. I'm happy to do it with you if you're interested. Which she ignored.

33:08 But [laughter] anyways, I have to keep trying. >> 21 days is too much. But you could do a challenge. You know, the next time you take her out for dinner, you say, "Every dinner for 20 minutes, we're not going to look at our phones and we're both going to do it." And you can pretend like you're having even a harder time than her so that she can relate to you. You see, you know, get into her mind to relate to her instead of coming from a very hierarchical I'm better than you place. Children really don't like that.

33:36 They like to feel like the parent is on their same wavelength and so they feel connected to the parent. So you can go, "Oh my god, I really want to look at my phone. I really want to look at my phone. What about you?" So now they can talk to you like they would a friend even though you're not their friend. Right. >> Right. but they feel like they can relate to you. I think relatability and connection to where your children are at is so important, especially in teenagehood, as opposed to coming to them from where we are at, right? So, try to get into her mind. Now, you're not a girl and you're not a 13-year-old girl. So, you can only do that much, but at least do less of projecting where you are coming from and try to understand where she's coming from. I have had some really amazing conversations until she was in primary. We used to sp speak to each other for I don't know sometimes hours and you know we would go read books together and so it probably something I'm missing as well as a dad that you know being having such an active single parent with her being so involved in her life suddenly I'm in a phase where you know I get one word answers and >> I'm missing that connection with her and I feel a bit lost as a parent and that's why I've come to you and all these tips you have shared is >> are really helpful. Thank you so much.

34:53 Yeah, you're going to have to get a life and and and get some new hobbies because you are discarded now. You are not the pinnacle of her experience. You're not the apple of her eye. She is now not interested in you at all. And I said it feels like a jilted lover, but you need to go find your own new life. You know, get new hobbies and show her that you are trusting her more to make her own decisions. And the reason why you don't need to talk that much is because she has her own life. That's a good thing.

35:23 Thank you Vicas. Thank you for being here with us. >> Thank you. Thank you for your time. And I just want to end with a note to all the single dads or dads, you know, watching this podcast to really get involved with your, you know, watch your past podcast. They are also very helpful. You know, whether you're interviewing a mom or dad, I learn so much from every interaction we have. So please keep doing these podcasts and thank you so much for giving me this opportunity. Dr. Shalia.

35:46 >> Thank you so much, Vicas. >> Thank you. I think this story that Vicas was sharing is something that most parents of teenagers can resonate with. You know, we don't understand what our children go through all of a sudden at adolescence and it feels like such a drastic transformation and a shock and we sometimes react taking things personally. And I think the message that I want to highlight over and over again in this podcast and in my work is that our children are not here on earth to make us feel worthy or to make us feel relevant or significant. They are here on earth to figure their own life out and to figure their own emotional world and to live their own destiny. Now, of course, we are a big part of that because we set the conditions in the house. Where we live affects them. The choices we make about our house and our habits affect them. But ultimately, it's for them to struggle with and for them to go through. And we can only be a source of guidance, a source of support, and most importantly, a source of safety. So instead of trying to micromanage our children's achievements, their decisions, their choices, and their moods, their feelings, and their behaviors, let's shift the energy to ourselves. How can I best show up in a way that understands who they are right now? How can I best attune to where they are and what they're struggling with?

37:23 Instead of trying to constantly fix things or control them or defend against what they're saying about us, let's try to understand their experience. So in the first story, the mother is trying to understand, oh maybe my child is not as competitive as me, maybe my child is slightly different, more sensitive, more empathic. In the second story with Vicas, he needs to now understand that the little girl who was once the daughter that he could share things with and talk for hours with is now growing into a young woman and that comes with its own challenges. So, can he pivot?

38:02 Can he adapt? We are constantly being asked by our children to connect to who it is they are in the moment and that constantly shifts. It takes a lot of courage from us parents to do this inner work to make those internal shifts. But this is what conscious parenting is all about. It's moment by moment, day by day trying to relate to who our children are as they are and not as we wish they should be. The big lesson in conscious parenting is to raise the child before you and not the child of your fantasy.

38:36 So I hope that helped all of you listening out there. And if you want more support and more help, then check out my conscious community. It's called the conscious circle. I have a big group for fathers, a big group for single parents to support you on your journey. We all need support and this is why I created this conscious community. So check it out. It's called the conscious circle and it's for less than $25 a month. You get so many workshops, so many webinars, so much information. I think every parent in the universe should join this conscious community.

39:09 Thank you so much for listening to this episode and if you enjoyed it, I hope I see you on the next episode of parenting and you with me, Dr. Shafali. Parenting and you with Dr. Shafali is for educational andformational purposes only. [snorts] It is not intended as a [music] substitute for professional medical, psychological, psychotherrapeutic, coaching, health care, or other qualified professional advice, diagnosis, or treatment.