Why Your Child Refuses to Listen | Top Five Parenting Mistakes

0:00 we're kind of like robotic or analytical about it we're like oh yes you're very sad johnny [Music] so you think positive parenting isn't for you huh you have tried all the tips and tricks and you feel like nothing is working this is not effective if so this video is exactly for you because i'm going to be talking about um the five reasons why positive parenting may not be working for you so let's just

0:32 get into the video what's up you guys and welcome back to my channel if you are new here i am dr jasmine hi hello and welcome i am a clinical psychologist and i'm also a mom of two little girls now before we get into this video um i just want to say if you haven't already be sure to download my free positive parenting checklist bundle i know that was a mouthful but basically it is full of helpful checklists

0:59 on how to handle the most difficult parenting moments like tantrums aggression not listening um in positive parenting style now i know you might be like this doesn't work but maybe you haven't checked out my bundle yet mama so the link will be in the description box if you want to grab your free bundle um and that's it let's get into it okay so number one okay reason number one why positive parenting may not be working for you is because

1:30 you think that in order to be a positive parent you shouldn't or you can't have limits and boundaries and that cannot be farther from the truth i think there's this big myth out there that positive parenting really just means permissive parenting um and that is not true yes yes we should pour into our child and we should treat them with respect and love and we should connect with them right that our relationship with them is is one of the most important things

2:01 right but it is not true that we should not have limits and boundaries i think actually the secret ingredients of parenting success is having the love but also having the limits right kids need limits just like when they're babies and they need baby gates they need these psychological baby gates if you will where they know where they can't can go and where they can't go right they need to know these things right because it helps them understand the

2:31 world and how to you know best interact with others how to get their needs met in appropriate ways right how to functioning success society right so you know if you're struggling with giving limits and setting limits and really sticking with them it could be for so many different reasons one may be because you had really bad experiences as a child with discipline right that your parents um didn't know how to discipline with

3:02 love and respect and when you think about disciplining your child you're met with all these uncomfortable feelings and thoughts because you don't want to be like your parents right you don't want to discipline in the way that they disciplined you because you know that didn't work um so that could be a reason why or you think that like if you discipline your child you're going to be the mean parent or you really want your child to like you

3:27 you want to be friends with your child um you lack boundaries like in general right with yourself with other people um and so this is just really a reflection of a larger issue with boundaries um you could be operating from this myth that you know it's your job as a parent to keep your child happy all the time um which i think we all kind of have in a lot of ways because seeing our child upset seeing our child in pain is very

3:58 uncomfortable for us as parents um and so we may come to believe like if i'm not keeping my child happy all the time then i'm failing and that's one of the biggest myths i love to talk about and debunk because i think it keeps us stuck especially when it comes to discipline um and uh reason number two why positive parenting might not be working for you is because you're trying these trips and tricks half ass okay you're just like kind of

4:25 going through the motion um or maybe you're like you're like consuming all this information on social media but you're not really getting a deep dive into it um i recently heard how social media is kind of like fast food information and i think it's so true i think we can fall into this practice of consuming all this information and it's really great but it's really brief it's really surface level um and we don't really take a deeper

4:55 dive into it right we don't really actually work with somebody on our parenting we don't work around the issues in our childhood right that i just mentioned we don't do the deeper work and we're just trying to like get these quick tips and tricks because and we're just hoping that it's like the magic band-aid of it all and don't get me wrong sometimes it works sometimes we read a quick blog article or we try something that we've

5:22 seen on instagram or youtube um and we're like hey this this works this is great um and so don't get me wrong i'm not saying that it doesn't always work it's just if you are if you're coming to a point where positive parenting isn't working for you maybe it's because you haven't da diving diving diving um you haven't taken that plunge if you will to actually um do some more work some more inner work around parenting or

5:54 maybe you're trying the tips and tricks but you're doing it half-assed like you're just trying to like go through the motions um and you lack the real true intention of the truth feeling around it if that makes sense um you're just kind of going through the motion so example would be a lot of the times i hear like okay dr jasmine i'm trying these whole like validating things and it's not working or my child gets really angry

6:22 and says stop saying that okay so there's common reasons why one it could be because they're not used to hearing you talk like this so they're like they're like no this is not you this is not what i'm used to i'm used to you talking to me in a certain other way when i have really big feelings and this doesn't feel authentic or two and often kind of complements this we lack the true empathy behind what we're

6:47 saying right we're like we're kind of like robotic or analytical about it we're like oh yes you're very sad johnny but we don't we're not saying it with a tone that matches the words right so saying like oh you're really sad about that johnny you didn't like that versus oh my god that's so frustrating like i wish we could have ice cream too right isn't that you would believe like dang okay girl okay i see i wish okay now you really get it right

7:14 because i know you want ice cream too just like i want ice cream so it's two different things versus yes i know you really want ice cream now they're like uh what why are you talking like that right why are you being a robot and and that brings me to reason number three why positive parenting might not be working for you is because you haven't stuck with it long enough um i like to use the analogy of going to

7:39 the gym right trying to lose 10 pounds trying to get some abs trying to get some muscles we would never go to the gym or do a little homework out um for a couple days and expect us to have magically lost 10 pounds or expect to have these abs just overnight right we know in our head that it takes work it takes consistency um and it takes weeks months to get these results uh and that's the same

8:07 thing with parenting y'all there's no band-aid to success right there's no secret thing that you need to just do once and you're cured it doesn't really work like that and i know you probably are like yeah i know that but do you really know that like have you embraced that this is gonna be a process that this is gonna take time that this is gonna take consistency like discipline takes consistency uh we can't set up a limit once and

8:36 then expect our child just to magically get it right like this takes time and even even if they are pushing up against our limit it doesn't mean we're not doing it doesn't mean that we're doing something bad per se right just means that hey they're a separate person from us they have feelings and that's totally fine so you know it's a balance right and it's it's it's coming to an understanding and really accepting that this takes a lot of

9:03 consistency to see change over time reason number four that positive parenting might not be working for you is because you've lost sight of what really matters and i always say this right that our best you know parenting tool is our relationship with our child like that's what really matters at the end of the day not these real you know tips and tricks which i love to talk about y'all i'm all about the tips and drinks i'm all about the checklists and i think

9:32 that they are a good compliment to our parenting but the real essence of our parenting comes down to the relationship that we have and relationships take work they take daily effort right it's just like a relationship with a friend or our spouse or a family member like in order to have a successful relationship we have to constantly be pouring into it right we have to spend time with that person we have to go through conflict and come

9:58 out the other end right with you know more communication more understanding um it's a part of that's part of the process of having a relationship with some with somebody so you know really if you've you know if you've lost sight that this is an investment and that what we pour into grows then maybe that's why positive parenting isn't working for you and that's why i am a huge fan of play and that's why i created the play challenge

10:26 because i really think that that is like the secret to a lot of our woes as parents is that we're just we've just lost sight which happens to all of us myself included sometimes you know with the daily grind of life and everything else that we're trying to juggle as people as human beings especially in 2020 it's easy to lose sight of the fact that oh yeah my child needs my one-on-one connection and attention and play is the best way

10:53 to do that so i highly recommend if you're not already uh doing this and you're struggling with parenting to dedicate five to ten minutes of play time with your little one every day and you do it every day so that they come to expect it that they come to trust in it um and that will just message me later okay when you do it now again it takes some consistency that's why i say every day if you do that every day for

11:21 30 days message me back and let me know how you're doing thank me later okay number five last reason is that you are paying more attention to the bad behavior than your child's strengths then your child what they are doing right okay i know on my channel here we talk a lot about what's not going right right the tantrums the aggression the not listening right we love to talk about that all day long but what we don't talk about the actual successes

11:51 right their strengths what they're doing right and if we fall into this pattern at home we are uh it's it's just not gonna be good i mean think about like if we were constantly pointing out and looking for our spouse's shortcomings how would you feel about them you probably wouldn't like them and then how would they feel if you're constantly pointing that out they would feel bad about themselves and i fundamentally believe that

12:21 children um you know they do better when they feel better and that our job as parents is to pump them up right and to be their cheerleader to focus on their strengths and constantly be building them up and constantly be letting them know how brave they are how kind they are how good of a sister or brother they are um how hard working they are like our children are not going to become the things that we hope they are if we

12:50 don't remind them constant not constantly um but you know that that needs to be more of the emphasis versus okay you're not listening johnny put on your shoes you know of course those things are frustrating but if we're constantly just focusing on that then we're gonna fall into this hole right we're not gonna enjoy motherhood uh parenting is gonna be just a whole big struggle and we're gonna be on the struggle bus but our our child is gonna be on the struggle

13:18 bus as well right so just a little nugget there to always try to pay more attention to their strengths than their weaknesses and that's for you too mama pay more attention to your strengths and i think you know when we can come to get into a practice of doing this for ourselves then we can do this for other people right so if you know how do you feel about yourself right now i know i kind of took a little bit of a turn here i'm

13:44 trying to turn it back on you guys but you know how do you feel about yourself right now are you constantly beating yourself up are you telling yourself you're a bad mom you're a bad person you're a bad friend you're a bad wife or girlfriend or whatever um you're a bad employee whatever it is because pay attention to that right because not all of what we think is true and definitely not all what we think is helpful

14:06 and moves us towards you know where we want to be so start to pour back into yourself start to notice your own strengths your own wins as a parent and as a person in general um because that will help you focus more on that with others especially your little ones so i hope this video was helpful uh let me know down below what your thoughts or your comments are and don't forget to

14:43 this download is my passion and i am just such a strong believer in positive parenting if you if you haven't gathered that already so check out my free checklist um full of so much helpful information on how to handle the demands of parenthood in general in ways that are loving and respectful but also set some some good boundaries because those are important as well equally as important um don't forget to like this video if you enjoyed it uh

15:12 make sure you're subscribed to my channel so you don't miss any videos hit that notification bell that just lets youtube know you want to be notified when i post up a new video um alright friends i will see you in the next one bye