2 Tools to Effectively Set Limits with Children

0:00 in this segment I'm going to present two listening tools that you're going to use one right after the other in order to begin to allow your child to release the feelings that keep your child from feeling close to you from feeling safe from feeling um in sync with you so that you can win your child's cooperation more of the time these are very effective tools we've had thousands of parents use these tools with really

0:31 revolutionary transformative effect so I'm really hoping they'll work for you the first tool is to bring the limit what to do is this you want to bring the limit to your child if they're acting irrationally you want to stop the irrational action you want to use the language that a shut down prefrontal cortex um can still interpret so when your child's prefrontal cortex the thinking part of

1:02 their brain the Judgment part of their brain the impulse control part of their brain the part of the brain that allows them to flex in sync with other people around them when that part is shut down what they have left and what they're running on is their social emotional Center and the part of that brain that that part of their brain works on connection and it works on body language and tone of voice and closeness and

1:32 warmth it's like what you want to bring is connection a sense of connection with your body so you use your body to set the limit so and I'll give you several examples of how one can do this but mainly you don't talk or you say very very little five words at most honey no or sweetie I can't let you or come back or or it's time or here we go

2:06 or no no is a very good word by the way do not avoid the the use of the word no no is a is a very good word for bringing a limit now when you bring a limit what you want to do is bring it with a sense that you're bringing a gift to your child because you are they don't like being caught in an irrational Behavior they don't like feeling scared they don't like feeling wild they don't like

2:36 feeling like they want to hurt somebody none of these things are Pleasant for children they want out so badly they have no idea how to get out by themselves so you can you want to bring a limit like you're bringing the rescue squad you know so you get your body in there and you bring eye contact which they can still process you bring a tone of voice that's generous towards them that that still believes that they're a

3:03 good kid you bring a gentleness and not too much haste um except where somebody's hurting somebody else in which case you do want to get their Pronto and you bring yourself you bring your goodwi so you bring the limit without saying very much so if your child is across the room and they're starting to you know pester the dog you take three steps over and there you go oh honey no

3:33 and you put your hand on their hand and you you offer eye contact [Music] uh-uh and you wait their feelings will be right along know what needs to happen is you need to stop the irrational action and with you listening as soon as they sense that you're willing to listen their instinct to heal is encouraged and they May pop up with a tantrum with crying or with um

4:04 struggling and and screaming and sweating and all you need to do is stay with them if they're having a tantrum you don't necessarily need to hold them you just stay there and make sure they don't bang their head against the wall or against the furniture or you know hurt themselves in the in the wild you know vigorous protest that they're having um you just you want to stay you want keep them from hurting themselves you want to Parry any blows that are

4:34 coming towards you with children who are scared they will want to kick and fight and you just need to you know Bob and weave with all of that and you say very little and you allow the child to be in charge of the emotional release process the healing process so these are very powerful tools we really encourage you to try this just and but you do have to remember don't say very much um don't

5:05 punish don't bribe um don't give long lectures you don't have to tell all the reasons why just say what needs to be said no you can't have another ice cream or I can't let you do that or that's your brothers or you need to come here here sweetie or you know you're not playing so well let's let me have you on my lap for a

5:37 little while and add connection connection plus hurt driving a child's Behavior equals big feelings and then a clearing of the mind and you get such better Behavior afterwards you get a child who really wants to be with you and wants to be with others you get a child who can [Music] cooperate [Music]